ama: if you are searching for one final nighttime read, we picked something up for you. the proposal to build the largest cosco ever. the world's biggest cosco in fresno. it would be more than four foot fault field -- football fields in size. that story is up for you on the top new sidebar. thank you so much for watching. that's huge. dan: for all of us, appreciate your time. >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, kumail nanjiani, and pink. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: hi, everybody. welcome. thank you. i appreciate it. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. appreciate that. we have so much to get to tonight. of course, i want to start with a young presidential hopeful named donald trump. [ laughter ] the yell-ephant in the room, who is back by unpopular demand. i don't know if you watched this. it was quite the scene at mar-a-lago last night. starting with this entrance to a song from the musical "les mis." ♪ here they come. there's former first lady melania with her husband, jean valtrex. [ laughter ] i can think of no better way to kick off another trump campaign than with "les miserables." it's a musical about a criminal with a hot daughter who gets away with it in the end. [ laughter ]

should have said "spoiler alert." whatever the soundtrack, trump is waddling for president again. you know, he hasn't actually conceded the last election yet. if he won that, if he beat joe biden in 2020 as he constantly says he did, he shouldn't even be allowed to run. he's termed out now, that's eight years. [ cheers and applause ] one of the reasons trump is running again is to try to slow down the many, many criminal investigations he's at the center of right now. basically a bank robber on the run from the cops and the white house is a dumpster behind an arby's he's trying to hide in. he gave a weird, rambling speech with so many false statements, it makes you wonder where he's even getting them. i don't know if he's making them up. he bragged about many imagined accomplishments and seemed especially proud that he never got us into a war. >> they said during the 2016 campaign that if he becomes president, there will never be a war within weeks and we will

have wars like you've never seen before. it will happen immediately. and yet i've gone decades, decades, without a war. the first president to do it for that long a period. >> jimmy: he's gone decades without a war. even donald trump thinks his four years in office felt like decades. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] he poked a lot of fun at joe biden, but he seemed kind of out of it. he was so low energy, we might have to start calling him "jeb." [ laughter ] he was reading from a teleprompter, which you know he doesn't like to do. he turns it into a conversation with himself. he'll be like, "we promised to build the wall and we built the wall. we did build the wall. we completed the wall. and now we will build more wall." like he's chatting with his own words. [ laughter ] and while he may not have started a war for decades, captain bonespurs has a plan to strike fear in the hearts of our adversaries with the mother of all missile defense systems.

>> we need it. the power of these missiles and the power of a word that i refuse to say -- nuclear. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you just refused to say it, and then? when it comes to the type of missiles he refuses to say, trump knows how to build them. he's got the plans right downstairs in his basement at mar-a-lago. donald trump is mentally unbalanced and so are the dummies who follow him. here he is, musing about some grandpa-style solutions to america's drug problem. pay attention to the crowd's reaction here. >> in china when i was with president xi i said, "president, do you have a drug problem?" "no, no, no, we don't." he looked at me like i didn't know what i was doing. "how come you don't have a drug problem?" he said, "quick trial." "what is is a quick trial?" i sort of knew. "what is a quick trial?" "that's where if you get caught dealing drugs, you have an immediate and quick trial, and

by the end of the day, you're executed." [ audience cheering ] that's a terrible thing, but they have no drug problem. >> jimmy: they're cheering for quick trials and same-day executions? how sick do you have to be to clap for that? especially in a room full of secret cokeheads. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i have to say, if you love the idea of quick trials and immediate execution so much, what's with all the appeals and delays from your armies of lawyers for the many crimes you've been charged with? let's get you right up in front of the judge, and by the end of the day, let justice be done. [ cheers and applause ] it was a long night. the speech was an hour and four minutes long. at a certain point, people were trying to leave the ballroom, but security forced them to stay. it was like a room full of melanias, begging to be set free. [ laughter ] even fox news cut away from his speech before it was over. not only that, this was the cover of trump's beloved "new york post" today. you can see the only mention is

all the way at the bottom, "florida man makes announcement." [ laughter ] and then when you go to page 26, this is real. there's an article. a little article says, "been there, don that." and that's that. his cholesterol levels are unknown, but his favorite steak is served with ketchup. that's the story they put in the "new york post," for real. my, how the worm has turned. many prominent members of trump's inner circle were notably absent last night. three of his kids didn't make it. don jr., ivanka, and tiffany were nowhere to be found. eric was there hoping to be found. [ laughter ] really, just jared and eric. it's like "succession." jared is tom, and eric's cousin greg. [ laughter ] at least i think that was jared, it could have been a sherwin williams extra white paint swatch. i don't know. [ laughter ] ivanka trump announced that she will not be a part of her father's campaign. she wants to spend more time away from her family. [ laughter ] she said in a statement, "while i will always love and support

my father, going forward i will do so outside the political arena." [ applause ] most likely from the other side of the glass on a prison phone. but i don't know. he can't do this without ivanka. that's like rebooting "sex and the city" without samantha. [ laughter ] i mean, you need that character. only one politician showed up last night, north carolina representative madison cawthorn, but that's just because he heard there was going to be an orgy afterwards. [ laughter ] even creepy matt gaetz didn't go. he claimed it was because of the weather, but i hear he was online trying to get his girlfriend taylor swift tickets. [ laughter ] but you know who was there? none other than the pride of mankato, minnesota, mr. mike lindell. mr. mypillow was on the scene all fired and up raging against the machines. >> well, nowadays it's like, i'm sorry, you don't get to audit, you don't get to do nothing. you certainly can't look inside our machine. come on, that's proprietary technology in there. brian, if you told me there were rocks and knives in my pillows, you know what i'd tell you? take a look, there's no rocks

and knives, that's beautiful patented fill, here's the promo code. >> jimmy: for the record, there are no rocks or knifes in his beautiful patented pillows. there used to be rocks but mike smoked them all. there's a whole industry designed to fleece the trump faithful. i got this ad on twitter this morning. "return of the great maga king silver coin." a cherished family heirloom your children will dispose of immediately upon your death. [ laughter ] this is a great christmas gift for someone you no longer invite to christmas. [ laughter ] trump has already lost the support of some big republican donors, like stephen a. schwarzman and kenneth c. griffin. you know they're rich guys when they use the middle initial. [ laughter ] both schwartzman and griffin said they're going to support different candidates this time around. they don't know who yet, they just know it won't be him. [ laughter ] good thing trump doesn't care about money. or he would be very upset about that. meanwhile, his former secretary of defense today said he's unfit for office. his former secretary of state,

mike pompeo, said republicans need more seriousness, less noise, and leaders who are looking forward, not staring in the rear-view mirror claiming victimhood. even melania this afternoon was spotted arriving at trump tower in manhattan. she hightailed it out of there. but there are still plenty of swamp creatures on board for round two. trump picked up a key endorsement last night, before he even threw his wig in the ring. >> we know that president trump has a special announcement tonight, and i'll go ahead and say right now, president trump has my full endorsement and my support as our republican nominee in 2024. [ boos ] >> jimmy: he's got one vote. and i think i know why she's doing this. we know mike pence isn't going to be his running mate again. his own vice president won't even endorse trump. pence says he thinks republicans have "better choices." so maybe this goblin named marjorie taylor greene is hoping she gets the nod. >> you're a real american. you deserve a vice president as real as you are. someone who knows our history.

>> kennedy getting killed in the plane crash, that's another one of those clinton murders, right? >> someone who respects our democracy. >> flood all the government buildings, go inside. these are public buildings. we own them. >> someone who knows how to ask the tough questions. >> i've introduced a bill to ban it and make it a felony to mutilate children's genitals. do you stand by that? >> why -- that was a lot. >> someone who knows other things too, like words. >> not only do we have the d.c. jail, which is the d.c. gulag, we have nancy pelosi's gazpacho police. >> so many words. >> why their due process rights are being so fragrantly and horrifically violated. bill gates wants you to eat his fake meat that grows in a petri peachtree dish. >> marjorie taylor greene. real american. real stupid. real crazy. [ laughter and applause ] >> we've never studied in

history how much taxes people paid back in the ice ages to warm up the earth and melt the ice. >> uck, are you [ bleep ] kidding me? >> i'm marjorie taylor greene and i approve this message. also, hillary clinton is part of the deep state baby-eating cabal. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it makes you miss sarah palin. speaking of marjorie taylor greene, male fertility is on the decline. according to a new study, researchers found worldwide sperm counts fell by more than 51% since 1973. which is why we need herschel walker in the senate more than ever before. [ laughter ] down in georgia, herschel is gearing up for his run-off with raphael warnock, and he's doing it by tackling the issues voters believe matter most. >> overnight, i was watching this movie, watching this movie called "fright night," freak night, some kind of night, it was about vampires. i don't know if you knew vampires are cool people. let me tell you something i found out. a werewolf can kill a vampire, do you know that?

>> jimmy: senator, your time is expired. [ laughter ] he did not know that. did you know that? >> guillermo: no, i didn't. >> jimmy: we learned something, thanks, herschel. we've got a great show for you tonight. kumail nanjiani is with us. and pink is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] pink is an exceptionally talented person, one of the most talented people in all of music. tonight she's going to allow us to put that talent to the test. it's time now to "wing it and sing it." [ cheers and applause ] hello! how are you? >> i'm terrified. >> jimmy: don't be frightened. hello, jeff. hi, pink. [ cheers and applause ] this is pink, everybody. you said you're frightened. there's no reason to be frightened. this is very simple. >> okay. >> jimmy: we have some lyrics on these cards. these are lyrics you've not seen, correct? >> correct. >> jimmy: okay. so i'm going to reveal them to you.

>> okay. >> jimmy: all you have to do is sing them as you see them, okay? >> i apologize. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, no apology necessary. >> we're going to nail it. >> jimmy: jeff is going to be accompanying you. he is our pianist, or piano player as he prefers to be called. are you ready to do it? >> i think. >> jimmy: it's time to wing it and sing it. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ if you found out who i really am would you still want to be my man ♪ ♪ would you still love me if you knew ♪ ♪ the many sketchy things i do ♪ ♪ i drink ranch dressing straight out of the jar ♪ ♪ i look at my phone when i'm driving my car ♪ ♪ on halloween night i won't open the door ♪ ♪ i once wet the bed in a mattress store ♪ ♪ i honk my horn just to make

people mad ♪ ♪ i tell random kids "that guy's not your real dad" ♪ ♪ i flip people off on the 405 ♪ ♪ i believe jfk junior is well ♪ -- no, i don't, i don't. i do not. ♪ just in case you need more examples ♪ ♪ i get high at costco and eat all the free samples ♪ ♪ and once on a flight i was going to sydney ♪ ♪ i roofied a guy and took out his kidney ♪ ♪ another fact you should know i have a third nipple on my elbow ♪ ♪ in the heat of passion it sounds like i'm making ♪ ♪ oh oh ♪ ♪ snort gobble i'm not faking ♪

♪ de doo doo doo ahh ♪ ♪ gitchie gitchie ya ya ♪ >> oh come on. ♪ hey jambo jambo ♪ ♪ coo coo cachoo ♪ >> that doesn't happen also, this never happens. ♪ and one more thing i suck my thumb ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: pink, everybody! we'll be right back with kumail nanjiani. ♪ ♪

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hey, there, welcome back to the show. her new song is called "never gonna not dance again." you can see her in action at the american music awards sunday night on abc. pink is with us. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, patrick dempsey and nicholas hoult with music from the backseat lovers. and sitting in with the cletones, billy gibbons from zz top. [ cheers ] so please join us for that. our first guest is an oscar-nominated writer and emmy-nominated actor. he plays the real-life founder of the most famous strip club in the world in "welcome to chippendales." it comes out on tuesday. please welcome kumail nanjiani.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> wow, what a wonderful crowd. >> jimmy: well, everybody loves you. me included. >> oh. >> jimmy: i got to tell you something -- [ cheers ] >> how kind. >> jimmy: i remember reading about you being in this chippendales show on hulu. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i assumed because of your physique that you would be one of the dancers. >> no. >> jimmy: you're not one of the dancers? >> what a gift. i'm the only one that doesn't take his shirt off the entire time. they had to watch what i ate and i ate cheesecake the entire time. >> jimmy: you actually had to get out of shape for the movie, right? >> so this guy -- he can't look like someone who could get on stage and dance with them, and for a little point in my life i did look like i could. >> jimmy: yeah, still do.

>> thank you, thank you. so i was like, i want to change how i look. so i was eating four huge meals a day. i was eating fried chicken. i would get home at night and order a fried chicken sandwich with fries, eat it, and go right to bed. [ whoops ] it was glorious! oh, i remember those days. oh my god, i'm getting excited thinking about it. >> jimmy: you say that like i don't do that now. [ laughter ] >> i did it so much, jimmy. i started, like, having trouble breathing in the middle of the night. >> jimmy: oh, that's not good. >> yeah, i know. >> jimmy: is the chicken still in your mouth? >> yeah, i think that's what it was. that's what you do with bedtime chicken, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> you put it in your mouth, you go to bed. >> jimmy: you let it dissolve throughout the evening. >> that's right. you chew in your dreams. but i would walk -- wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath. i would wake up like -- like a woman who just moved into a creaky old house in a horror

movie. a little kid ran out of the room, who's that? dead for 20 years. so i did, like, a sleep study. and they said i have sleep apnea. >> jimmy: because of the weight gain? >> because of the weight gain. and they said i stopped breathing 15 times an hour. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> that is so many times an hour to not be breathing. [ laughter ] i don't know if you know, jimmy, you're not a doctor, breathing is very important. >> jimmy: it is one of the top most important things you can do, right, yeah. >> breathing, heart beating, and sex. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: water also, i think, maybe even above sex, but go on. >> what is? >> jimmy: water. >> what? water? >> jimmy: you have to have water. >> that's what is missing, oh, thank you. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you can only get so much hydration from cheesecake. what did you do? >> they gave me this machine called a cpap machine. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, i know that. >> have you ever used it? >> jimmy: yeah. >> you put it on your face, it

sort of forces you to keep breathing so you don't die in your sleep. and i used that for months. and one day i had it on and i just happened to look in the mirror. and i was like -- i turned to my wife, "i don't know how you'll ever be attracted to me again." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i had the same thing, yeah. >> and she said, "i love you." not "i'm attracted to you." [ laughter ] we haven't had sex since. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know, that's an -- because it goes in your mouth. it's not just, like, if you're a pilot in "star wars" where it's over your face. it goes into the face. >> no. >> jimmy: it's a terrible invention. >> it's not like being a pilot in "star wars." >> jimmy: no. >> that's right. [ laughter ] she was like -- yeah. >> jimmy: you did wear it? i did, and this is not a joke of any kind. the doctor said, if you wear this, it will extend your life probably by three years. and i said, you know what? after wearing it for a month, i'm okay dying three years early. [ laughter ]

i mean, what's going to be so great at that age anyway? >> right. >> jimmy: i am not going to sleep like this. because it looks like you're in intensive care. >> right. because you lose three years from the end of your life. that's like the worst time anyway. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, it's not like you lost from one to three. >> no, no. those were great years. >> jimmy: so you did that for the whole time, huh? >> yeah, for the whole shoot. i did that. but then i, you know, stopped eating like that. and i don't need the machine anymore. >> jimmy: well, that's good. >> people would be like, "do you use that machine and role play?" i'm like, "no!" [ laughter ] what would the role play be? "hey, you're a really bad worker at a retirement home." [ laughter ] "you're an evil nurse, it's my last week, i want to live." [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: "i'm about to die of emphysema." >> "i'm about to buy of emphysema, so i have one wish." >> jimmy: so then -- i also was wondering, because i know you worked so hard to become a marvel superhero, to get in that shape. does it feel -- does it feel terrible or good to just go crazy and start eating like that and head in that other direction? >> it really felt great for a while. it was when the, you know -- when i stopped breathing in the middle of the night. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's when it -- the breathing? >> that cut down my enjoyment by at least 50%. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're okay now. you look like you've gotten back in shape. >> yeah, i've gotten back okay. but when i was shooting the show, that wasn't the only thing that happened. like on the first day of shooting the show, it was an eating scene. and i ended up, like, breaking a tooth on camera. >> jimmy: boy. >> is that funny? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, no. well, you are a chippendale, so it's natural to do that, yes. >> that's right, i was getting into character. i broke a tooth. i was eating lentils. yes, that's right. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how did a lentil break your tooth?

>> you know lentils are very soft, but every now and then you get an uncooked lentil, have you had that? it's like, i'm going to -- it's my time to shine, baby, you know? >> jimmy: yeah, a hard lentil. >> avenge my fallen brethren. lentils are either the softest substance in the universe or there's a piece of a meteor in it. >> jimmy: okay, all right. >> it shattered my tooth, and i could feel it in my brain. >> jimmy: oh, really, wow. >> as soon as it happened, i looked, it was broken. i went to the dentist, had six procedures to get it fixed. i should tell you this. i didn't go for 15 years to the dentist at all. >> jimmy: wow. >> i did not go. then one day i was just walking on the street, i walked by a dentist's office, "oh, you know what i haven't done in a while? i should just walk in, see what's going on in there, you know?" i just walk in. and i'm like, it's just a regular dental checkup. she looks in my mouth and goes, "clear my calendar." [ laughter ] i knew it was going to be bad

because she was like, "do you have any symptoms?" and i said, "if i eat ice cream on the left side of my mouth, my spine hurts." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not good. >> no. and i see the spinning house from "wizard of oz." [ laughter ] that's bad, right? >> jimmy: yeah, that's generally bad. >> the entire soundtrack of "kill bill" plays really fast in my head. i had two teeth, jimmy -- i had two teeth that hurt for years. every day, morning and night. they hurt for years. and then one day, they just stopped hurting. which is sort of like when the check engine light in your car, after months of it being on, it just goes off, you know? it's like, you know what, don't worry about it anymore. [ laughter ] too late. >> jimmy: so just the nerve endings died? then you kept going? >> yeah. i won. i powered through it. >> jimmy: when you were a kid, did you go to the dentist? >> no. >> jimmy: no? >> no, i didn't go to the dentist. >> jimmy: your parents didn't take you to the dentist? >> my mom is a little bit of an anti-dentite. >> jimmy: she is?

that's a thing? >> yeah, she is, so it is a thing. i called her to tell her, i went to the dentist. and he said [ bleep ] up in there. and she was like, why did you go to the dentist? i'm like, that's not the right response to that. you know? [ laughter ] so i went to the dentist. and he's really good. i have a great dentist. and he was fixing my stuff up. and then he looked at me and he was like, "do you like your smile?" and i said, "yeah." and he said, "huh." [ laughter ] and then on the wall, as i'm sitting there, a huge picture of this gorgeous woman with a perfect smile. a beautiful woman, huge, head as big as this. and he's like, "huh. because that is a good smile." and i said, "yeah, that is a good smile."

he finishes up, "i'm going to go, someone's going to clean your teeth." he said, "actually, it's her." >> jimmy: what? >> and then he leaves, 30 seconds later that woman walks in. it was like meeting a celebrity. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> it's a huge picture of her, then she comes right in front with the same smile. >> jimmy: what a weird thing. >> yeah. i'm watching, looking at a massive version of her head as the normal version of her head is inside my mouth. [ laughter ] very hollywood. >> jimmy: yeah. are you sure they didn't give you some drugs and you imagined you saw that? >> no, man. it was her. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was her smiling like that. she comes in and she's like -- it was like this, then another face just like that, like "hi, i'm going to be cleaning your teeth." >> jimmy: your teeth look great. kumail nanjiani is with us. his movie is "welcome to chippendale." we'll be right back. that's why i take kesimpta.

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>> we could use an accountant. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is kumail nanjiani in "welcome to chippendales" which premieres tuesday on hulu. who's the actress in that scene? >> annaleigh ashford, a broadway legend. she's won a tony, been nominated many times. she plays irene, we end up getting married, and she's truly one of the best actors i have ever worked with. >> jimmy: she seems great. >> she's so good, man, she's so good. watch her in this, she's going to be huge. she's just so good. >> jimmy: huge in a cheesecake kind of way? [ laughter ] >> when i say huge, i just refer to cheesecake. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] we said earlier that you play the guy who founded chippendales. came up with the whole idea. >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is a crazy story. >> it's a wild story, you know,

and -- so that scene, by the way, that's sort of a scene of seduction. i know it's weird. we're both math nerds and that's how we sort of get aroused is by talking about numbers. so that's sort of our courtship is just being like, "oh, 20%, okay!" [ laughter ] really exciting. so the guy who created chippendales, i didn't know this, was this indian immigrant named steve bannerjee. came up with this idea, naked men, dollar will bills, that's what's going to happen. people don't know the story behind it is wild. like, there's like murders happen. behind the scenes he was setting fire to -- other people were stealing his idea and doing male strip clubs. he was setting fire to those strip clubs. ended up hiring people to murder -- like, it's a wild true story, it all really happened, and people don't know it. it's an eight-episode series that goes into all the stuff that happened. >> jimmy: yeah, seems like the perfect show for families to watch together on thanksgiving. [ laughter ] >> yeah, grandma wants to feel alive again, right? [ laughter ]

plop her in front of the tv. >> jimmy: will your family watch it? >> i've told them not to. >> jimmy: you have? >> yes. they don't listen to me. >> jimmy: i see, okay. >> so they do watch it. there's one movie i did where i'm almost completely naked. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> and my dad called me and he was like, "we are very disturbed." [ laughter ] and i said, "it's your fault for watching it, dad, i told you. you want to see your son like that? no? then don't hit play." >> jimmy: "maybe you should have taken me to the dentist every once in a while!" [ laughter ] i know you're originally from pakistan. is there a thanksgiving celebration, a holiday similar to ours there? >> yeah -- i mean, we don't do thanksgiving over there. >> jimmy: right. >> it's specifically, you know -- our relationship -- >> jimmy: north american. >> our relationship with indians is different. [ laughter ] [ applause ]

>> jimmy: not really. >> not really. >> jimmy: i see. >> but we have this -- we have a holiday. it's called eid. and you sort of go and you visit all your relatives. so we'd have 12 houses we'd visit. and everybody would have a bunch of food. >> jimmy: 12 different houses? >> 12 different houses. you go house to house everywhere, 15 minutes at a time, and you sort of knew which aunt and uncles had the good food so you'd pace yourself. except my brother. he would just start devouring. you knew it was time to -- like around house eight, his color would start changing. [ laughter ] house nine he's like -- and he would, like, still -- i'd see him going -- still putting food in his mouth. like, what are you doing, man? your entire body's telling you to stop. "i'm fine, i'm fine." then he would throw up every year. >> jimmy: he would? >> he would throw up every year.

we called him -- apparently i was told that if you give food in unlimited -- if you give a horse an unlimited amount of food, it just eats until it throws up. so his nickname was horse for many years. >> jimmy: really? >> horse nanjiani. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, it makes perfect sense that he eventually went to america. i mean, that's a very american thing to be doing. [ laughter ] eat until you vomit. >> yeah, now he's a banker, so good luck with that. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. the show is called "welcome to chippendales." it premieres tuesday on hulu. camille nanjiani, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] thank you. we'll be back with pink. with artificial intelligence, groundbreaking transparent hood technology, and intuitive design inside and out.

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: all right, welcome back. our next guest is a multi-platinum selling superstar and one-woman circus with a new single called "never gonna not dance again" and a new tour called "summer carnival." tickets go on sale monday. please say hello to pink. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: can i tell you something? that was -- i'm still blown away that you can do that. it's just crazy. >> at a certain point i was like, what's happening? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this just in, our single went to number one. >> oh, did it? [ cheers and applause ] we got one! >> jimmy: when you're not on the road, which i know you are from time to time, where do you live? >> i live about about 2 1/2 hours north of los angeles on a farm on a vineyard, i make wine. >> jimmy: you make wine? >> i make very good wine. >> jimmy: do you actually get -- do it yourself? or people making the wine? >> it's me and two other women. >> jimmy: is there any stomping that actually happens? >> no, i did that once. but there's a lot of little white spiders. >> jimmy: are there really? >> we're an organic vineyard, there's a lot of the wildlife. i don't stomp grapes anymore. >> jimmy: because you're scared of the spiders or you don't want to kill the spiders or both? >> i actually didn't think about

their welfare. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you did not, okay. >> not at all. >> jimmy: you have animals on the farm, besides the spiders? >> we do. we have two horses, chickens, though they're dropping like flies because they're old, and a dog named -- my 3-year-old at the time named him habanero mountain guy kadashi hart. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: your 3-year-old came up with that series of names? >> yep. >> jimmy: really? >> we call him habi. >> jimmy: habi takes care of the chickens or eats the chickens? >> no, habi's [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: habi's not a helpful animal? >> he's a pain in the butt. he's adorable, but ugh. he's actually so annoying that he got bit by a coyote two months ago and could have been eaten but the coyote was like, "you're annoying." [ laughter ] and it left. i'm not kidding. >> jimmy: this tour you're going on is a big tour, right? how many cities are you doing? >> well -- it's sort of --

steamrolls. then i'm there forever. but 21 stadiums in america. so it's my biggest -- thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: 21 stadiums. i believe that's all of them. >> huh? >> jimmy: i said, i think that's all there are in america. >> i mean, i think my biggest tour was 227. when i say 21 i'm like -- >> jimmy: wow. does the family come with you on this tour? >> always, everywhere. >> jimmy: they do? >> yeah. >> jimmy: does that make it a lot harder? >> it's impossible. it's ridiculous. but it's -- so they're older now. so now i tour around willow's theater schedule. >> jimmy: is that true? >> yeah. >> jimmy: really? >> we have lots of talks, and we collaborate. and -- yeah. but when it was just her and i was a new mom, and we're on a 200-day tour, it's amazing. because i'm super codependent and needy and i love cuddles.

>> jimmy: i see. >> so we're having a good time. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> but it's impossible also, because i get off stage at 11:30, and i'm like this until 2:30, i can't sleep. and i want to take her to breakfast, i don't want to miss the park in the morning. but you get to a point where you're like, i'm going to kill myself. >> jimmy: that's bad. >> if i keep doing everything, i can't do everything. so you have to decide, like okay, what is this one thing i'm going to give to myself? and try not to feel guilty about? for me it was breakfast. and i nailed it. i called these two women that were sleep trainers and i said, here's my schedule for the next two years, my flight times, time differences, can you write me a sleep schedule for my baby? >> jimmy: wow. >> and when we get to london, when did i put her to bed on the plane? when we get there, do i keep her up, put her to bed, let her do whatever? i'm not good at a free-for-all, i'm a virgo. you should know that about me. we wrote this whole plan, and it worked brilliantly. and you know, she's not damaged. >> jimmy: wow. >> i mean, we won't really know -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, no, we won't

really know. >> we won't really know, i feel like, till -- but then other mom pop stars started calling me, i heard you nailed it. i'm like, i did, i nailed it. they're like, can you write us a playbook of what to do? so i did, i wrote a playbook, how to tour as a mom. >> jimmy: wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean, it's a very small group, i guess publishing that wouldn't make much sense. >> maybe all of our kids are screwed, i have no idea. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: if they are, it's your fault, that's all you have to do know. >> or welcome. >> jimmy: i have to say -- i always look forward to your performances on these award shows. >> oh, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: because i think that you -- you consistently are the best. >> oh, wow. >> jimmy: the work that you put into these, the creativity. i want to ask you about what you did the last time you were on "american music awards." ♪ now, this shot is pretty impressive. especially when you realize you are actually on the side of that building.

>> that was a lot. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how high up are you there? >> i was a lot higher than i wanted to be. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i had just had jamieson, so i was so worried about -- >> jimmy: dying? [ laughter ] >> my core. you have to hold yourself sideways the entire time. and sing live. so you're really using every muscle in your body. and i was so worried about not being strong enough that i forgot to be afraid. and so i got up there and kerry, my husband's a daredevil, the words you can't say is "let me down." and that's exactly what i said when i got up there. "you have to let me down." my guy that was my bandaloop teacher he was like, wait, what? we have three days, you have a lot to learn. i was like, i need to get down now. >> jimmy: three days to do that? >> my manager's like, it's paid for, you get a five-minute break and you're headed back up there. i did rock and roll hall of fame last week, i went to that same

hotel, the guy helping me in the elevator, "hey, last time you were here, you were hanging on the outside of the building." [ laughter ] i was like, "oh, yeah, how many people do you say that to?" >> jimmy: you and spider-man, maybe tom cruise. >> there were people in their rooms. i could have been sued as a peeping tom. [ laughter ] there were people in their rooms like -- [ laughter ] pink? >> jimmy: oh, that's great. >> i'm like -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: are you doing this song at the show on sunday night? >> that's one of them i'm doing. >> jimmy: one of them. you're also doing some kind of a tribute to olivia newton-john. >> i am. >> jimmy: i almost said elton john. which i love olivia newton-john. >> i just found that out about you. >> jimmy: i'm right in the age group. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i've seen "grease" 45 times. i wonder what soon you're doing. >> i can't tell you. >> jimmy: you can't say. >> i will tell you my daughter did "grease" in her last summer production, and she is teaching

me the song. >> jimmy: will it be an uptempo song or a "hopelessly devoted to you"? [ laughter ] >> a song. like i did before. no. >> jimmy: yeah, no, probably not. >> willow's gnarly. when i forget the words to my own song, i made a bet with her, "i wrote it." she's like, "that's not the words." i looked it up and she's right. >> jimmy: they're always right about that stuff. will you do "let's get physical," will you do a medley, will you do "xanadu"? will it be "magic"? >> it will be magical. [ applause ] >> jimmy: there's one i heard this weekend, listening to the '80s station on sirius radio, they played "heart attack" which reached number two. that one's not a good one, don't do that one, that's a weird song. skip that one. >> good to know. >> jimmy: wasn't in the plan? [ laughter ] >> no, no. >> jimmy: all right. well, great to see you. thank you for being here. >> thank you. >> jimmy: can't wait to see what you do. actually, let's take a break, we'll be right back with pink. pink is here, this is her new single, "never gonna not dance

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thank kumail nanjiani, i especially want to thank pink. you can see pink, she's got something up her sleeve at the american music awards on sunday. if you're in your hotel room and you see a person dressed very sparkly -- >> i won't do that, it's dangerous but it's not that dangerous. >> jimmy: okay, all right. well, listen, that's a very honest sell, i think. thank you, pink. apologies to matt damon, we did run out of time for him. [ laughter ] "nightline" is next. thanks for watching, everybody, good night! tonight, a growingtonight, a gr crisis of what's being called the zombie drug. a horse tranquilizer or tranq infiltrating street drugs