♪ chicken finger, cheesy fries, chocolate pies, yum yum, num num, toot toot, pop ♪ . ♪ yum, yum, num num, toot toot, poop ♪ ♪ yum yum, num num, toot toot, poop ♪ this is "nightline." tonight, behind the spotlight -- >> look straight ahead! jeanette mccurdy, child star turned best-selling phenom. you pulled back the curtain on childhood stardom. it is not a pretty picture. >> not as i see it, no. >> we watched her grow up on nickelodeon. now living in gratitude after

sharing years of inner pain, and how she overcame unspeakable abuse. >> my mom wanted to keep me as controllable as possible, and me growing up was a threat to that. plus, destination unknown. the latest craze hitting the travel industry. surprise vacations. >> oh, you're going on a trip? where are you going? i have no idea. >> pack your bags, head to the airport. and then -- >> we have our envelope that has our destination. okay, it says no peeking. russia! >> would you trust someone else to book your vacation? and -- >> ♪ hey now, you're an all star ♪ >> remembering steve harwell, the lead singer of smashmouth. >> "nightline" will be right back. the purr-fect reminder th. life's more fun in the deep end. (cat 2) yeah! so never stop exploring... always keep it real... (cat 1) and do whatever floats your boat - just like we do. (vo) feed their fantasy. ♪friskies♪

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♪ >> juju: thanks for joining us. tonight an unexpectedly raw and candid memoir from nickelodeon star turned best-selling author jennette mccurdy "i'm glad my mom died" mixes humor that stayed on the best-seller list for more than a year. in it she details her struggles offscreen, including eating disorders and a complicated relationship with her overbearing mother. here again our interview.

>> on the outside, i was doing a lot of the performing, the tap dancing of the smile and the showing up and landing on my mark, and i'm going to just do what i need to do and be this happy-go-lucky nickelodeon kid. >> my name is samantha puckett, and i'm from seattle, and i love fried chicken. >> but inside i was hurting. it was painful. i was angry. i felt unsupported. >> juju: you pulled back the curtain on childhood stardom. it is not a pretty picture. >> not as i see it. >> reporter: at 15 jennette mccurdy was one of the most recognizable child stars on television, playing sam puckett in "icarly." to her millions of fans she was known as the funny bff. but she says behind that bubbly onscreen persona, nothing about her real life was funny. for you, what were the pitfalls of child fame? >> you're playing an adult's game. you're in an adult's world, and you don't recognize that.

you're incapable of being on that level, but you are confused and you think that you are. i think it really leads to stunted personal development. >> juju: her personal struggles eventually prompting her to abandon acting all together. you say quite frankly this was never your dream. stardom was never your dream. who's dream was it? >> my mom's. i think she wanted me to have a better life than she had, but i also think her approach was very unhealthy and informed by her own lack of self-work. and she lived vicariously through me. >> jennette had her first audition at age 6, encouraged by her late mom deborah. their mother-daughter bomb deeply disordered and chaotic. she says her family struggled financially. over time, like so many other child stars, her acting paid the bills. >> it felt like a lot of pressure. and then i think my mom saw my

career as a way out of that life of that way of living, of that constant grind. >> juju: how chaotic was that childhood home? you describe it with one line that stuck with me, that the air in the house felt like a held breath. >> it was really complicated. my mom also had cancer when i was 2 years old. it was the first time she was diagnosed. so not only was it chaotic because of the abuse that was happening and my mom's violent and erratic and unstable behavior, but also because we all lived in fear of her cancer coming back. >> juju: that volatile relationship is at the center of jennette's dark and deeply personal memoir, "i'm glad my mom died." what made you pick that? >> i think i earn that title through the writing of the book. but i wanted it to be something that would grab people's attention and get them to pick up the book and hopefully learn by the end of it why have i chosen that title. >> juju: from the tender age of 11, she says her mother taught

her the dangerous habit of calorie restriction, which would turn into years of eating disorders. in many ways, your child tried to keep you a child. >> i think my mom wanted to keep me as controllable as possible. i think she really wanted to have her influence on me, and me growing up was a threat to that. >> juju: is key to that was calorie restriction. >> absolutely. i think my mom encouraged and conditioned my anorexia because both she thought it would in some ways help my career and also because it served her goal of keeping me young and under her influence. >> juju: the book reveals dark episodes of her childhood that for years jennette says she blocked out. she describes how her mother would give her showers and touch her invasively until she was a teenager. she referred to them as medical exams on your private parts. >> yes. this is the hardest part of the book for me to write about it. it was a really emotional experience. i laughed during the writing of

it and i cried a lot after i wrote that vignette. >> juju: you talk about basically having out-of-body associations, out-of-body experiences when this is happening to you. >> yeah. >> juju: what do you think is going on? >> i've tried to understand, and that didn't lead me anywhere productive. i would just spin my wheels trying to understand my mom's motives. >> juju: this continued until you were 17? >> yeah. >> juju: and you describe in the book that you felt violated. >> yes, i absolutely felt violated. and eventually accepting that was the most i think integral piece to my own healing and recovery. >> juju: at the height of her stardom, she landed a spin-off, "sam&cat" starring alongside future superstar ariana grande. she writes about tensions on the set. >> say one more time? >> i said i'm really smart. >> juju: you literally wrote i frequently made the mistake of

comparing my career to ariana's. >> yeah. >> juju: and being everything jealous, of her childhood, jealous of a music career that you don't even want. >> sure. i was jealous specifically that she played charades with tom hanks. that's what got me. charades with tom hanks. >> juju: how dare she. >> i know! i was so young at the time, and i think it's really hard to not compare yourself to somebody at that age when you're in an environment around them all the time. so i made that mistake repeatedly. and i'm -- i'm glad to be at place now where i wouldn't trade positions with somebody. >> juju: as the show was airing her mother died of cancer. jennette says her life was spinning out of control, anorexia morphing into bulimia and example abuse. >> i was never aiming for bulimia. i was attempting anorexia, but i couldn't keep it up without my mom. i would starve myself for so long and binge and purge because i hated the feeling of fullness.

hated it. >> juju: it would take jennette years to seek proper help and start therapy to begin grappling with her drama. >> i couldn't initially accept the idea that my mother was abusive toward me because my whole way of life, my whole way of going through the world was -- i was operating through this lens of my mom wants what's best for me. even after she died, i'm nothing without my mom. i can't do anything without my mom. i'm incapable, i'm incompetent. what would mom want? what does mom need? that accepting that she was abusive would have meant reframing my entire life. and that felt impossible. i couldn't go near that for a long time. >> juju: jennette says building a new life without her mom began with a stunning decision, to leave acting behind. why quit acting? >> it was important for my recovery at the time. it represented my mom living vicariously through me. it represented something that my mom wanted, that i didn't want.

it was important for me to step away in a very definitive way and really just focus on completely on healing myself. >> juju: reflecting back on her career, jennette is critical of the hollywood machine and the world she was exposed to at such a young age. in her book she writes that after "sam&cat" was canceled, nickelodeon offered her a 300,000 thank you gift if she agreed to never speak about her experience at the network, specifically with a man she refers to as the creator, who on one occasion she says encouraged her to drink while she was still under age and gave her a shoulder massage. in response, nickelodeon telling abc news we have no reportable response other than a no comment at this time. >> i just said no, that's not happening. that sounds like hush money to me. not doing it. not taking it. and i do remember leaning against -- i think i talk about this in the book, i lean against my bed, well, shoot, that could have put my niece through college. that was some good money.

but i am ultimately proud of my decision there, wherever it came, from even if it was informed by self-righteousness, i think i did something that was really hard to do. oh my god, i'm proud of myself. >> juju: why? why proud of yourself? >> i think i've chosen integr integrity. and it hasn't always been easy. >> juju: jennette says she's recovered from years of eating disorders and found a sense of balance for the first time in her life. what's your body image now and what's your relationship to food like, and how do you sort of go about your day? >> i'm glad you asked this, because when people talk about eating disorder recovery, they talk about it being such an ongoing process that you deal with every single day for the rest of your life, and it's always a battle. and i think that kind of language, it doesn't help motive. i'm at a place now where i don't obsess about food at all. i haven't engaged in any

disordered eating behavior for years. i'm really proud of that. >> juju: jennette also says healing also comes through in her writing. she is working on a novel and a collection of essays. and while sees herself as a writer, she hasn't completely ruled out a return to acting. >> i just wish i could have shown my 20-year-old me now. i would have known what i was aiming for. i would have had something to hope for, something to be encouraged for. i didn't have that. >> juju: what would you have told your 20-year-old self? >> look at me now, baby. you're going to be fine, kid, i probably would have said. >> juju: and up next, destination unknown. where do you want to go on your next vacation? can't decide? a new travel trend is leaving it to chance,nd it may be just what you need. when moderate to severe ulcerative colitis takes you off course. put it in check with rinvoq, a once-daily pill. when i wanted to see results fast, rinvoq delivered rapid symptom relief and helped leave bathroom urgency behind. check. when uc tried to slow me down... i got lasting, steroid-free remission with rinvoq.

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your summer vacation may be over, but imagine ditching the stress of your next vacation. it's not just where you go, but what to do once you get there. but what if you could just leave it all to somebody else? well, now you can. our ashan singh takes another look. >> reporter: what if you could go on a vacation like this? one catch, you have no idea where you're headed. companies are now offering a new way to get away. >> for me, i think it's just why not have someone else do it? why not surprise yourself. >> reporter: erica silverman and lexy are young professionals living in new york city. but in four week, they could be anywhere in the country. >> we have no idea where we're going. essentially, it's a surprise

vacation. >> really excited to kind of, a, not plan anything, because all i do is plan things. >> reporter: the two are going on a surprise vacation, paying the company pack up and go to not tell them where they're going. this trend is a growing part of the travel industry. companies offering surprise trips saying they've seen the demand for their services explode post-covid. pack up and go sends 7,000 travellers a year around the country. how you explaining it to people at work? oh, i'm going on vacation. that's so fun. where are you going? >> actually, i think it's kind of fun. oh, you're going on a trip? where are you going? i have no idea. i'll find out when i go. >> reporter: is your guys' budget going in? >> the recommended budget for two travellers is $1700. so sticking to that. >> reporter: pack up and go has its clients fill out a comprehensive form. >> when you travel, what do you prioritize? >> definitely food and dining. >> reporter: laying out everything they would and wouldn't want for their dream trip. >> we have a real person who is looking to see where this

traveller has been recently, where they visit frequently, what they like to do, dietary restrictions, hobbies and interests, and we book it from there. >> maybe a week before our trip we'll get an envelope in the mail that has our destination and recommended itineraries and all of those things. and then we go to the airport and we'll open the envelope and find out where we're going. >> reporter: you guys know each other well. who is going to have the harder time not opening the envelope for that week? >> me. i'm the person that like reads what happens in tv shows. >> reporter: oh, come on. >> ready for our trip? >> i am. i'm so excited! >> reporter: two weeks later, after packing for somewhere, they arrived at the airport ready for the big reveal. >> we have our envelope from pack up and go that has our destination. okay, it says no peeking. ready? it is a town?

yay! >> oh my god, yay. >> reporter: after a short flight, arriving in nashville. ♪ explore. >> we're just going to end up in the wild. >> yes, probably. >> reporter: the day's events? visiting the country music hall of fame. >> oh, whoa. >> reporter: a must-see for music lover erica. and taking in national's iconic broadway strip. ♪ home of the late night honky tonks. ♪ but that late night stop them from a 13-mile bike tour in the morning. their trip a much-needed break from daily life. but for others, only a life-changing vacation will do. >> for me, when i travel, there has to be meaning behind it. so it absolutely soul-searching and finding meaning. >> reporter: ester spengler

booked a trip with black tomato, a vacation company that books clients on surprise trips to death-defying prices with a hefty price tag. >> i had this weird childhood fantasy my whole life being on my own, isolated out in the middle of nowhere. i really felt this calling on my life that i was going to go places where nobody had ever been before. >> reporter: the texas mother of two sent on an 11-day journey into the atlas mountains of morocco. were there some days that were just mentally tough? >> at the very outset of the second day, i had to do this scramble up a pretty steep rocky cliff thing. >> reporter: right. >> whoo! i was cold and numb when i started, and i was sweating by the time i got to the top. >> reporter: to pay the 13k price tag, she started a gofundme, even sold her plasma as a last ditch money making effort. but she says it was all worth it. >> for the first time in about ten years, something inside of me started -- it's like my heart

started beating again. >> reporter: but not everyone walks away feeling so good. for michael wade and taylor dedrick, that $3,000 surprise was unwelcome. when they signed up for a surprise vacation using a different company, they thought they listed all the places they didn't want to go. >> we got to the airport. we're sitting in the parking garage. >> i open it up and it's a sheet of paper that has a picture of one of the main buildings of austin, texas. and it says austin with exclamation marks, and i shut it. and i sid are you sure you didn't choose texas as place we didn't want to go. >> and michael, how did you react? when you saw 80 the paper aun austin? >> i didn't want to go. >> reporter: but the couple kept an open mind. >> we had a wine and barbecue tour that was schedule by them. and we ended up making really good friends with everyone on our tour. now we've gone to tennessee with them. >> reporter: even an unexpected envelope managing to turn

serendipitous, whether it's sending you to the cliffs of morocco or the bars of nashville or a place you've already been. whether you know where you're going or not. at the end of the day, it's still a vacation. >> there are so few times in our lives as adults that we are genuinely surprised. in a good way. and having something as fun as a vacation that you're already so excited about and already looking forward to and amplifying that by just adding one more element of an anticipation i think is really really exciting for a lot of travelers. >> juju: our thanks to ashan. coming up, "all star," the life and legacy of former smash mouth lead singer steve harwell. ♪ get the show on, get paid and all that glitters is gold ♪ feeling sluggish or weighed down? could be a sign that your digestive system isn't at its best. but a little metamucil everyday can help. metamucil's psyllium fiber gels to trap and remove the waste that weighs you down

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and finally tonight, remembering steve harwell, a founding member and former lead singer of the rock band smash mouth. they rose to stardom with walking on the sun in the late '90s ♪ walking on the sun ♪ >> juju: but "all star" was their biggest hit, appearing on shrek and other soundtracks. ♪ hey now, you're an all star, get your game on, go, play ♪ >> juju: chronic health issues forced harwell to retire in 2021. he died today at his home in boise, idaho, surrounded by family and friends. steve harwell was 56. and that's "nightline."