♪ this is "nightline." >> juju: tonight, kerry washington. the hollywood superstar shattering the flawless image she captivated fans with on the hit show "scandal." >> it's him. >> juju: all while hiding painful secrets under a shield of perfection. >> the behavior was tiny, little acts of trying to bestroy myself. >> juju: opening up for the

first time about her struggles with an eating disorder and a lifelong search for identity. plus, man on a mission. former nasa astronaut jose hernandez reach fog the stars. >> beautiful route, jose. remember 30 years ago you were picking cucumbers? look where you're at now. >> juju: overcoming multiple rejections. >> you can turn me down, but rest assured while be standing here again in a year. >> juju: his incredible journey told in the movie "a million miles away" hoping it will inspire young la teen nose. swiftie ticket flippers. facing a big tax surprise? is karma coming for those who resold their prime seats? ♪ (chef vo) fancy feast. chef-inspired. cat-adored. every silky broth, every impeccable paté, every delicious detail... brings you and your cat... closer together.

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♪ >> juju: thanks for joining us. tonight, a rare and revealing conversation with actress kerry washington. lifting the veil on her finely tuned image of perfection. exposing long-hidden pain and crises. why is she opening up now? here's abc's robin roberts. >> after being someone who was so private, guarded, that's all going to change. are you ready? >> i feel like i've never wante

to share my private life for the sake of fame or for the sake of attention. but i feel like this sharing is with purpose. >> you are? >> olivia. pope. >> reporter: kerry washington has spent over two decades in career-defining roles. >> it's handled. >> reporter: transforming before our very eyes from abc's hit crime time show "scandal" to blockbuster films like "save the last dance." >> you need to watch what you say, don't let me catch you at that table again. >> reporter: and "django unchained." cementing her place as a hollywood icon. now in a new memoir "thicker than water," she's telling her own story. sharing deeply personal revelations for the first time. getting candid about her

lifelong struggle to find her own identity. i want to talk about the young kerry. describe what a young kerry was like. >> she was this ball of contradiction. right? because she was filled with love and energy and art. but she was also afraid and struggling and searching. >> reporter: kerry was born in the bronx, the only child of earl and valerie washington. her father, a businessman. her mother, a professor of education. you said you lived among a family of performers and the magic trick was in pretending. what did you mean by that? >> when people ask me if i'm the first in my family to go into show business, i always say i'm the first person to get paid for it. in our family, we kind of had this appearance that i think people know, because it's what i've projected, what we've projected to the world, of being this kind of very successful

working middle-class, intelligent, elegant, graceful family. where everything was perfect. you know, they were perfect, and i was perfect, and we were all kind of living this perfect life of success and ease. and that was not the case. it was like a need to always project the best of us, like an aspirational version of us. not necessarily be in our truth. both to the world and with each other. >> reporter: in the book, kerry writing about bitter arguments between ■her parents overheard s she pretended to be asleep. emotionally charged fights about money, her father's drinking, and hardships in the marriage. >> as they slammed doors and shouted obscenities at each other, i could feel the tension between them vibrating through the wall. i developed panic attacks at night. >> reporter: you said that you felt that you had to be the one

to fix it? >> yeah, i thought maybe if i'm a little smarter, more successful, prettier, happier, thinner, eventually i thought. maybe if i could be better in some way, it will make things better for this family. and i want to be really clear. my parents are extraordinarily loving people. i have incredible patterns. because i didn't know what was going on with them, and it was me trying to make sense of this mystery. >> reporter: and there were so many things that you reached out to, to try and help you? >> yes. >> reporter: acting was one? >> yes. >> reporter: a lifeline for you in some ways? >> i was so lucky to find acting. it became an escape, right? from any of the fear and the anxiety and the feelings of not enough-ness that i was struggling with. i could jump into a character and not have to think about any of that. i could just be this other person. and then the characters started to save me in a whole new way. then they became not just a

place where i could hide, but they became a place where i could live through them. >> reporter: kerry found more than an escape. she found success in acting early on. performing with the star theater program, a group focused on promoting teen health, including teaching young people about safer sex in the midst of the aids epidemic. >> i lost it with eric. >> reporter: this work led to an appearance on an abc news special with peter jennings. >> a friend of mine told me that she heard eric had aids or hiv or something. how am i supposed to deal with this? i'm only 14. who can i talk to about this? what does all this mean? it's so confusing. i've got to get out of here. >> reporter: it led to you getting a nickname, correct? what was it? >> did it. i was a peer educator. i always had condoms in my backpack, and i was "condom kerry." >> reporter: but while she appeared to have it all

together, she was concealing her own struggles. you said, i was using alcohol and sometimes food and sometimes weed and sometimes sex to alter my brain chemistry and allow me a dangerously destructive escape i had to maintain this facade of the overachieving high school educator, performing on primetime television, my grades were good, i was the lead in the play. then after hours, i was acting out. >> reporter: sharing the depths of an eating disorder she describes as raging out of control. >> by the time i got to college, my relationship with food and my body had become a toxic cycle of self abuse that utilized the tools of star race, binge eating, body obsession, and compulsive exercise. the first time i got to my knees and prayed to some power greater

than myself to say, i can't do this, i need some help, was with my eating disorder. >> reporter: kerry struggling to maintain that perfect image on the outside as a secret battle brewed on the inside. >> i was good at performing perfect. i was good at control. i could party all night and drink and smoke and have second and still show and up have good grades. i knew how to manage. i was so high functioning. and the food took me out. the body dismore fee yeah, the body hatred, it was beyond my control. and i am in trouble because i don't know how to live with this. i could feel how the abuse was -- was a way to really hurt myself. as if i didn't want to be here. like, it scared me that i could -- that i could want to not be here. because i was in so much pain. >> reporter: so you actually contemplated suicide? >> yeah. yeah. >> reporter: that's how dark? >> yeah.

the behavior was tiny, little acts of trying to destroy myself. >> reporter: kerry says she has since sought professional counseling on the road to recovery. how do you not revert back t pattern that you had for so many years in your life? >> i wouldn't say i never act out with food. it's just very different now. it's not to the extreme. there's no suicidal ideation. but i know, like -- oh, i'm feeling a little manic, instead of sitting down and doing the work i need to do, i'm still at the gym. what is it that i am avoiding today? it definitely looks a lot more -- it looks a lot healthier. it's a lot easier. it's a lot saner. >> reporter: after a lifestyle of searching, the actor, wife, and mother says that she is living as boldly offstage as she does in front of the camera.

standing in her truth and moving forward and healing and in love. >> it's funny because i feel like i've come to a point in my life where the person, kerry washington, is now as important as any character i've played. and i get to have my truth. and i get to be myself no >> juju: our thanks to robin. for anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide, free help is available. text or call the crisis line at 988. kerry washington shares many more revelations in her conversation with robin. catch it all on sunday in a special edition of "20/20" here on abc. coming up, man on a mission. the inspiring journey of groundbreaking astronaut jose hernandez. with skyrizi to treat my skin and joints, i'm getting into my groove. ♪(uplifting music)♪ along with significantly clearer skin...

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♪ >> juju: jose hernandez has spent his entire life soaring to rare heights. overcoming rejection to become one of nasa's few latino astronauts. and the first migrant farm worker to go into space. now he's inspiring others to reach for the stars. here's abc's melissa adone making her "nightline" debut. >> two, one, zero -- >> reporter: the 1972 apollo 17 mission marked the most recent occasion where humans walked on the moon. >> this has got to be one of the top moments of my life, i guarantee you. >> reporter: watching in. >> his home in stockton, one 10-year-old inspired. >> i've wanted this almost 30 years. >> reporter: this moment

recreated on the screen in prime video's "a million miles away" was the foundation for jose hernandez's big dream. >> if you could picture a 10-year-old boy kneeling down, watching a black-and-white tv, watching gene cernan walk on the moon. i said, "man, i want to be like him." >> reporter: his humble beginnings proved the terrain ahead to be tumultuous. he's travel to the farms and then school. by age 10 learning english. what his peers didn't realize is he would one day soar to tremendous heights, a lesson he hopes to share with all latinos watching at home. >> never be afraid to dream big. just put in the work, and good things will happen. i always tell people, it's funny how the harder i work, the luckier i get. >> reporter: the nasa astronaut is full of pride during our interview in los angeles.

his accomplishments are truly out of this world. after earning degrees in engineering and working at the johnson space center, he was chosen to go to space in 2009 as a mission specialist. but getting there meant sacrificing and facing ugly truths which he faced by following his own north star. >> you know, i remember the very first time i felt discriminated at school. i went home and complained to my mom. my mom said a phrase that i'll never forget. [ speaking a non-english language ] "kill them with love." the reality is you do have to work harder to get the same amount of credit. you can do one of two things. you can put a chip on your shoulder and feel sorry for yourself and say, woe is me, they're discriminating. or say, i'm going to work harder. >> reporter: that tenacity, his

superpower and the key to his success. his acceptance into the nasa space program didn't come easily. it came after a dozen attempts. talk about perseverance. >> this is what i tell in my motivational talks. when you pick your goal in life, make sure you enjoy the journey along the way. because that's 80, 90% of your time and your everyday. and if you're not enjoying the journey, chances are you picked the wrong goal for yourself. yes, i was disappointed. question, i sulked for one or two days. then i propped myself up and said, hey, look around, jose. remember 30 years ago you were picking cucumbers for 50 cents a bucket? look where you are now. >> rest assured, i'll be standing here again in a year. >> reporter: "a million miles away" starring michael pena tells jose's story and one of so many migrant families. >> we have migrant families coming and they want their children to go to school. at the same time, they're trying to make a living. it is very hard.

your parents took a major sacrifice. how do you encourage other families in similar situations? >> i realized that parents, you know, are trying to put food on the table, and they're working long hours. but i think if they work as a team and sort of have some type of agreement, that there's a way to provide that environment at home. >> reporter: jose has already beaten the odds by all accounts. successful career, a master's degree, husband, father of five. but something if him and those around him pointed him straight to the stars. what do they have that you don't have? a boy raised picking vegetables in the fields of california one day becoming the first migrant farm worker to make it to space. he didn't just shoot for the stars, he found himself among them. i want to ask you, was it worth it? >> being able to see the earth

from a unique perspective, this is a little over 500 people have had that privilege out of 7 billion. this is a privilege bigger than being a president of a country or a nba or nfl football player. the odds are a lot harder. yes, of course it was worth it. absolutely. >> reporter: at this phase of life, jose says his mission is shifting. for you, i can tell. you light up when you say you're speaking to schools or engagements or kind of talking to youth about specifically getting into s.t.e.m. careers. why is that so important to you? >> kids see people, someone that looks like them, you know. brown skin, speaks english with an accent, came from humble beginnings. i want them to feel empowered and say, if he could do it, why can't i? >> our thanks to melissa. "a million miles away" is streaming now on prime video.

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>> juju: finally tonight, to those who pocketed rolls of cash by hawking taylor swift "er ras" tickets, the irs would like a word with you. remember last year when taylor swift tickets broke the internet? >> the tickets you've selected have been released, aahh!

>> the line has stopped moving. the website fully crashed! i waited in line for like six hours. >> ah, no, what just happened? >> juju: who could forget the chaos? millions of frustrated swifties plagued by lockouts on the ticketmaster platform, delays, and soaring after-market prices lost out on buying tickets to her stadium tour. some of those fans forced to buy tickets from scalpers. and now those ticket resellers facing karma. ♪ karma ♪ ♪ karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend ♪ >> juju: the irs promising swift justice. a new tax law taking effect for the 2023 tax year now requiring those ticket sites to report any third party sale over $600. whether that's for taylor -- >> welcome to "the eras" tour. >> juju: or beyonce or lionel messi's inter miami. the irs saying sellers will be

liable for income tax on any markup, even if it's just that one extra ticket you sell because your bestie couldn't make it. "vampire" singer olivia rodrigo revealing a new approach, tickets for her show will be delivered 72 hours before each show. this scalper-thwarting effort being watched by other artists intent on getting fans into the stands. that's "nightline" tonight. watch full episodes on hulu. we'll see you right back here same time monday. thanks for staying up with us. good night, america. have a great weekend. the golden hour of cold and flu symptoms. i'm feeling better.