streaming. all right. thank you so much for watching tonight. i'm ama daetz. >> and i'm dan ashley for sandhya patel. larry biehl. all of us, we appreciate your time right now on jimmy kimmel. stay tuned for amy poehler. >> have a great night everyone. previously on "jimmy kimmel live!" -- >> yay! >> keep going! >> oh! lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"!

tonight, amy poehler, bert kreischer, and music from wilco. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheering and applause ] >> jimmy: i appreciate that. hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for coming. thank you for watching. i'd like to relay a special hello to those of you who are still drunk after monday night football. we are coming to you from our home base, in the heart of hollywood. one of the strangest places in all the world, but we do get some competition from time to time. this is from the sunday service at st. john the divine cathedral in new york where parishioners were invited to bring their pets to be blessed in honor of

st. francis, the patron saint of animals. there were cats. there were dogs. a goose onion site. there was a giant snake. they had a baby crocodile. look at that guy. a sloth paid its first visit to church in a basket, as did a very reluctant little donkey, who is probably an atheist that wanted no part of any of that. there is also some horrific news over the weekend, our friends and allies in israel, innocent friends kidnapped and killed by the hamas organization. israel is now at war. it's a nightmare situation. leaders from all around the world condemned the attack as the millions of americans, including our super-duper former pro israel president donald trump who immediately found a way to make it about himself. he wrote the horrible attack on israel much like the attack on ukraine would never have happened if i were president. zero chance!"

that's right. if he was president, there'd be no war anywhere. we'd all be blissfully downing jiggers of bleach. and then, because he was so upset about this, tragedy, he posted a photo of himself from when he and his waistline were still in their 40s playing tennis. there is subpoena williams right there. can you imagine? i mean, seriously. can you imagine anyone else in the world doing anything even remotely like this? the guy who claims to be the most pro-israel president of all time, was in cedar rapids on saturday demonstrating the deep well of insight he has into the ongoing conflict in the middle east. >> and i sit proudly with our friend and ally the state of israel, and i will do it again. you heard about today, the hamas, hamas terrorist invasion. >> jimmy: yes, the hummus, the baba ganoush, the falafels. what they're doing is a disgrace. on the day one of our closest allies is hit by a devastating terrorist attack, trump is onstage talking about how much

better his body is than joe biden's. >> he's got a consultant somewhere. this is the worst consultant in politics that thinks he looks good in a bathing suit, right? no. he spends so much time at the beach. you know, how do you do that? and, you know, i have a much better body than him. but i'm not really sure that i want to expose it with the sun blaring down, the sand, the surf, the wind, you know. i mean, you know, it's not a pretty sight. >> jimmy: yeah. he makes some really good points. maybe instead of an election next year, we just have a wet tee shirt contest and end it. this is trump's focus now, that joe biden, who is only three years older than he is, is too old. >> different people vote, and they sort of locked into that vote, no matter how bad a guy is. if a man is grossly incompetent, he can't speak, he can't put two sentences together. he can't find his way off the stage. let's see.

i got there. i can jump off this one. i could actually do it. he couldn't. >> jimmy: yeah, all right. do it, then. let's see it. i would love to see you jump off that stage. [ applause ] i'd make a donation. like shamu flopping onto the observation deck. at seaworld. and if you're wondering, after all the dumb and terrible things trump has said and done, if there could be anyone left who still supports the guy? well, there sure are. >> president trump works for god, and god is all about america. and god is the one that's going save america. but actually, he's using president trump as one of his tools. so that's why we support president trump, because he works for god. >> jimmy: he's definitely one of god's tools, that's for sure. the biggest tool god ever created. trump has reportedly decided not to visit washington, d.c. this week, not to not throw his hat in the ring for speaker of the

house. trump bailed on that like it was dinner with eric. he is now backing jim jordan. he said jim jordan has his complete and total endorsement, or cte for short. meanwhile, rudy giuliani is having financial trouble. according to the irs, rudy owes $550,000 in unpaid taxes, he has a half million dollar lien on his condo in florida and he's being sued for millions by his own lawyers. i guess screaming outside a dildo factory isn't as profitable as it used to be. right, guillermo? >> guillermo: right, jimmy. [ applause ] >> jimmy: did you have a good weekend? >> guillermo: i had a great weekend, yes. >> jimmy: what did you do this weekend? >> guillermo: oh, jimmy, i went to homecoming. >> jimmy: what? >> guillermo: i went to homecoming, jimmy. >> jimmy: are you in high school? >> guillermo: no. i took my son to the homecoming. but we had a great time. football. we had a great time. >> jimmy: who -- who's homecoming was it? >> guillermo: oh, my neighbor's

son. >> jimmy: oh, your neighbor's. >> guillermo: his son. his son is in high school. >> jimmy: you think benji wans to play football? did you watch the cowboys? >> guillermo: what a disaster. >> jimmy: in minnesota, the world was wondering whether taylor swift would show up to cheer on travis kelce. i was watching the game. my 9-year-old walks and says is that traf tvis kelc? what the hell? i was flabbergasted. and then she lost interest because taylor did not make the trip. taylor swift was at the last two games cheering travis alongside his mother, who has become a celebrity as a result of all of this. donna kelce was even on the "today show", and you can tell she is very excited about all this. >> what was she like? so you got to know her a little bit? got to see her a couple of games. how was it? >> it was okay. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: blink twice if the swifties threatened your life. >> met her and we've always been delighted by her way. >> yeah, yeah. >> yeah? >> jimmy: yeah? if we saw that kind of reaction on a "bachelor" hometown visit, you'd go all right, somebody is not get agarose, i guess. today, by the way is both indigenous peoples' and columbus day. christopher columbus was an explorer who didn't exactly discover america, but he did yell "first" when he got here. and so today, we thought it would make sense to speak to some modern explorers, tourists out on hollywood boulevard, to ask them, foreigners to our land, to tell us what they find weird about us here in the u.s. ♪ >> what is the weirdest thing about americans? >> nosy. they're very nosy. >> do an impression of a nosy american. >> a nosy american, where you from? and then my name kieran, but i

always get karen, which is just so embarrassing. i've travelled the world, and let me tell you, nobody else says karen except americans. i could go to a starbucks and they scream out karen, and it's the most embarrassing thing ever, ever, ever. >> so let's say an american was walking down the street in poland, how would you be able to tell they're american? >> they're loud. loud. >> loud. and if you see them at night, they're usually drunk. >> if they come from here, they're most tanned in the skin and a little bit wider. >> tan and fat. >> yeah. >> they just eat and eat and eat. they don't care on the quantities. just the quantity. >> would you say they're a little fatter? >> a lot. >> when an american finds out you're from australia, what's the dumbest thing they ask you? >> someone asked me if there is kangaroos there. like if there is kangaroos there. obviously there's kangaroos there. >> can you do an impression of

an american? >> i'll have a cheese burger with french fries. oh, oh and what kind of sauce do you have? >> i'll take the steak. i'll take it well done with fries. >> who is your least favorite american? >> i'll be typical. i'll say donald trump. >> who is your least favorite american? >> donald trump. >> donald trump. i don't really like donald trump. i'm so sorry. >> draw the average american. >> the average american? i will get in trouble for this one! basketball shorts, obviously, and a larger than life drink. and then the baseball hat. >> somebody is happy. they love their country. they've got a nice family and they're enjoying the sun. >> and they're super fat? >> no. that's just bad drawing. there you go. >> is that a dorito they have for a vest? >> yeah, why not? a dorito, yeah. >> any advice for american karens? >> chop that hair off. it's so old. change your name. you can do it.

honestly. i'm bearing the brunt of it. >> you're the nicest karen i've ever met. >> oh my god, i'm not karen. it's karan. >> jimmy: well, that's just what a karen would say. thank you, kran. we have a fun show for you tonight. bert kreischer is here, we've got music from wilco, and we'll be right back with amy poehler. [ cheering and applause ] ♪ abc's "jimmy kimmel live!" brought to you by the lo ree barista and coffee system.

♪ >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back to the show. tonight he has a netflix stand-up comedy special. it's called "razzle dazzle," a very funny man. bert kreischer is with us. [ cheering ] then later, a great band, celebrating 28 years together and counting. their 13th album is called "cousin." music from wilco tonight. [ cheering ] this week with some excellent guests including with sean penn, josh duhamel, whitney cummings, nicole byer. billie eilish and finneas will be here. we'll have music from grace potter and megan moroney and

maneskin. our first guest tonight is a national treasure and a current emmy nominee with a new podcast called "say more with dr. sheila." new episodes come out every thursday. please say hello to amy poehler. [ cheering and applause ] ♪ >> hi! welcome back. >> jimmy: thanks for coming. gosh, it's been a long time since you're on the show. >> that's right. we were just looking up the last time i was here, and it was february 2020. >> jimmy: february 2020. that was right before covid kicked in. >> right before it all stopped. >> jimmy: so what have you been doing since february 2020? >> wow, well, i -- let's see. what have i been doing the past couple of years? i got a new couch. >> jimmy: that's great, yeah. >> and that's it. >> jimmy: that's all, huh? [ laughter ] so you kept very busy. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: but it's a good couch, i hope. >> i'm so glad you're back.

>> i'm so glad you're back. [ cheering ] and hopefully soon this actors strike will be settled. >> indeed. cannot wait. >> jimmy: we've had enough of this. and it's time to get going already here. >> yeah. i'm really proud of the work that my unions are doing, and i'm in full support of them. and i really think that everybody can't wait to get back to work. >> jimmy: and i also like to point out that during this downtime where we're not working, you haven't been just sitting around. you did something brave i think actually. you started a tiktok. >> that's right. thank you. it is brave. thank you. yeah. heroic even. >> jimmy: why now? and why also? >> well, i kind of lurked on tiktok for most of the pandemic for a couple of years. i just loved it. i thought it was really creative, and there are so many funny people on it. so i just waited a really long time to try to join it, because i didn't want to get it wrong. and i still might be getting it wrong, but it's just kind of fun. >> jimmy: is there a way the get it wrong? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: oh really? i don't know. i don't trust it.

>> that's smart. don't even go there. if you don't know, don't play. don't play. >> jimmy: really? >> but, engage with it because i don't really have -- >> jimmy: other social media accounts? oh, you got in with tiktok. >> i got in. >> jimmy: you really waited. >> i really did. i really did. >> jimmy: that's a long time to keep your toe dipped in that water. >> yeah, yeah. it's been super fun. and i kind of roped my friends in. >> jimmy: yeah, you made this video, dance video. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: in las vegas. >> with the great maya rudolph. >> jimmy: with maya rudolph there you guys are. >> the great maya. >> jimmy: what song are we not hearing right now? >> oh, we can't afford it. [ laughter ] >> can't afford it. [ cheering and applause ] >> but that, we were in your hometown during the cyber hack, and the funny story about that is we didn't even notice. >> jimmy: really? for real? >> oh, okay. i'm not a big gambler.

neither is maya. we were kind of walking through the casinos, it's so quiet. >> jimmy: for those who don't know, some hackers got in, and they shut everything down. they were even like the doors to the rooms were opening on their own. >> yeah. that's what i heard, that you couldn't adjust your own blinds, which to me, that's not okay. >> jimmy: that's not good. >> that's not okay. >> jimmy: the slot machines were not functioning. >> yeah. the slot machines were down, i guess. you couldn't use credit cards. >> jimmy: that's not good. >> no. >> jimmy: and you did not notice? >> we did not. >> jimmy: how long were you there? >> we were there for a good amount of time. and oh, let's post this tiktok. you know what? vegas is in the news. and it was the hack. and we were like oh, we survived it. because i think we probably have different las vegas experiences. >> jimmy: not only did you survive it, you ignored it completely. why do you say we have different las vegas? besides me living there and you not living there. >> do you like to gamble? >> jimmy: a little bit. not a ton. i don't do a ton. >> you don't lose your mind when you're there? >> jimmy: no, not at all.

i learned. one of the very few things my father taught me is he said you see these beautiful casinos? i said yeah. you think they built these from people winning? i guess not. that stuck with me. >> yeah. we didn't send any of it. and when i walked away, remember all those "ocean 11" movies where they had to contort themselves into a box and like duck under lasers? they could have just gone to linkedin and click two buttons and could have got all the money. >> jimmy: bamboozled an i.t. guy. the movie wouldn't have been as good. >> no, it's all the i.t. guys. it wouldn't have been as good. brad pitt as the i.t. guy would have been a little hard to buy bye. >> jimmy: did you do anything there? did you grou to sho to shows? heat east? >> no. >> jimmy: nothing? >> i saw the shows in the dome and all that. that looks a little steep. >> jimmy: physically steep? it is physically steep. >> have you been there?

>> jimmy: i went, yeah. it's a little scary. >> it looks a little scary. >> jimmy: there should be more rails than there are. i'm hope thanksgiving put in more rails, because the whole time i was nervous the guy in front of me was going to go over the rail. >> yeah. and that whole thing is like one intrusive thought. it looks like it's going to start to roll away. it might. but that would be fun. i'm sure if it does, it's meant to do that. it might be fun. >> jimmy: roll through the desert and a giant dog followed behind it. so you started a podcast. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: which i have to tell you something. the podcast is super funny. >> thank you for listening to it. >> jimmy: how do you pronounce the title of the podcast? >> it's called "dr. sheila" because you are to say doctor as a form of a question because she is not a licensed therapist. you have to say that it way or else everyone will get in trouble. >> jimmy: what you have done is you parodied something that i didn't realize could or should be parodied, which i think is a

great achievement. >> thanks. >> jimmy: we all hear people parodying npr. but you zeroed in on this genre of podcasts. >> i love podcasts. >> jimmy: you do? >> i love them. i listen to them all the time. i loved yours in the strike force five you did. >> oh, thank you. >> so great. >> jimmy: we actually released our final edition of that tonight. >> it's good. let's wrap it up. >> jimmy: yeah. we covered it all. >> it's time to wrap up. but it was so funny. i listen to them all the time. and i love that they feel very intimate. you have your headphones on, and in l.a. you're driving around in your car listening to it. and i'm kind of obsessed with this way in which people talk about their deep very personal awful like intimate couple things in realtime for everyone to hear. so there is this big trend couples therapy and all this stuff on shows and podcasts. and so i just wanted to play a therapist who was not a

therapist and -- but just like get into the fun of giving bad advice and not being particularly good at your job, not a great listener, and just saying all those things that i like to think real therapists wish they could say. >> jimmy: you picked up on the voice also very particular. can you do it without a microphone in your face? >> i think she -- we improvise the podcasts. so we have our funny friends come in, and they have a problem, and she just kind of -- there is a lot of mmm. there is a lot of mmms. she kind of gets -- she is very slow and she is very measured. she is a boomer, so she is worried she is not going to make to it shania twain, which she is going to. but she is kind of a little judgmental and a little checked out. and i think sometimes she isn't listening. so she asks a question to stall for time. because she hasn't been paying attention.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: would you be able to help me if i presented you as dr. -- >> me, amy poehler, i should not give advice. i have no idea what i'm talking about. and i really believe that true professionals have helped me in my life. but dr. sheila, yes, what do you want? >> jimmy: should i give you a real issue in my life with my wife? >> i mean, if molly is okay with that. >> jimmy: she doesn't get a choice. she is standing in the corner. i am a very messy person. >> okay. >> jimmy: and i order a lot of stuff online. and my wife is -- she is minimalist in a lot of ways. and it causes a conflict between us. not -- not every day, but like four or 500 times a day. >> mmm. so i guess my first question to you would be what is the hole you're trying to fill? [ laughter ]

and that's a good question to ask your wife too. [ laughter ] [ applause ] let's start there. >> jimmy: here is another one for you. >> yeah, okay. >> jimmy: that one was very helpful. >> yeah, it's a good question to always ask in relationships. >> jimmy: my wife insists on the pool being heated to at least 90 degrees. >> okay. >> jimmy: preferably at the same temperature as her blood. but also wants a cold plunge in the yard, which is about 38 degrees. >> sure. >> jimmy: should i jump off the roof or a bridge? which would be -- as try to wrap my skull around this? >> i guess what i'm hearing from you, and correct me if i'm wrong, but if you do correct me, think about why you're correcting me. [ laughter ] i would say that it's to me what is threatening to you is extremes, whether it be

temperature or -- and so i think you need to ask yourself what does it mean when my wife wants to get cold? and how do i feel abandoned? when that happens? and, you know, look, we've all threatened to jump off a bridge or a roof, but at the end of the day, don't talk about it if you're not going to do it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: amy poehler, everybody! we're back after a break. we'll be right back. [ cheering and applause ] ♪ i have moderate to severe plaque psoriasis. thanks to skyrizi i'm playing with clearer skin. 3 out of 4 people achieved 90% clearer skin at 4 months. and skyrizi is just 4 doses a year after 2 starter doses. serious allergic reactions and an increased risk of infections or a lower ability to fight them may occur. tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms, had a vaccine, or plan to. with skyrizi, nothing on my skin means everything! ♪ nothing is everything ♪

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♪ >> jimmy: hey, everybody, we are back. bert kreischer and wilco are on the way. amy has a podcast we just chatted about. you're on tour with tina fey right now. >> yes, it's been so fun. >> jimmy: the restless leg tour? >> that's right. >> jimmy: why is it called the restless leg tour? >> well, we suffer from it nightly. no, we're kind of celebrating our 30 years of friendship. >> aww. >> aww. >> jimmy: we've been together as long as wilco. and, yes, so we've been on the road. it's been a blast. >> jimmy: after 30 years, is it still a celebration? is there anything you don't know about each other at this point? >> there is. we do a q&a in the show where we ask each other questions that the audience gives us. and we do learn something new about each other all the time each after all this time. >> jimmy: so the audience comes up with good questions.

>> they do. like what is your favorite cheese. and i would have guessed feta for tina, but i didn't know. it's that kind of stuff you can come see us do. [ laughter ] i don't want to give it away. that kind of stuff. and explosions too and stuff. >> jimmy: based on greek, is that why you would guess feta? >> yeah, i wouldn't want to assume. but i would know it's her top one were to. and it turns out it's her number one. >> jimmy: you also have a master class, which we watched last night. >> yes. >> jimmy: it was really, you know, i have to say, some of these master classes, i like to watch them. >> you do? >> jimmy: yeah. i think that some of them are a stretch on how they apply to real life. and at first i thought maybe yours was too. >> sure. >> jimmy: but then i watch and i didn't think yours was. >> i appreciate that it's about like preparing to be unprepared. it's like using improv rules and applying them to your real life. and i just want to point out, i know it is weird i spent the first segment talking about how a lot of people unqualified give

people advice. and now i'm talking about master class. but i'm complicated, jimmy. you know what i mean? when you think i'm going to go right, i'm going go left. >> jimmy: you are very qualified, though, to speak on this subject. >> it was super fun to do. i think they do a great job producing them. >> jimmy: they come out really good. did you enjoy being in that position of power? >> yes. sitting in a leather chair and walking in and speaking, yeah. >> jimmy: unquestioned. >> you get why people like go crazy and lose their minds because when people call them experts, then you start to feel like one. it's kind of hard for comedy people to take it seriously, right? >> jimmy: right, yeah. you feel like you want to put a pin in it the whole time. but you're saying actually it's something people who are watching are interested in. speaking of improv, you've been doing that a long time, since you were a kid? >> yeah. i gas i did it when i was a little kid. i never acted when i was a kid. i never knew anyone who was an actor. but when i went to college, i saw an improv group, and i

thought oh, i can do that. >> jimmy: and that became upright citizens brigade. >> yep. that's where i met so many friends of mine. and that's what helped me get on to "snl." >> jimmy: do you ever miss those days where you're trying to make it? >> no. >> jimmy: before you were -- >> no. no, i do, i do. like i miss the schlep and the grind. but i've had so many bad shows, so many. >> jimmy: yeah. >> like really, really bad shows. >> jimmy: does one stick out in particular? >> one time when we toured with second city, we had to do an after prom. do you know like sometimes after your prom, you would get shut in your gym, and there would be activities? >> jimmy: oh, that's a great setup. that's the perfect setup. >> hey, guys, give me some suggestion from the audience. it was a nightmare. it was a nightmare. and also high school students are -- high school kids are the scariest people in the world. >> they are, aren't they? >> they are scary. they'll decimate you.

>> jimmy: especially when they're around each other in a group, yeah. >> you don't want to walk by a bunch of high school kids. or perform for them in any way. and i did both of those a lot. but -- >> jimmy: did you get paid for that gig? >> no! >> jimmy: oh really? >> i guess at second city we got like 50 bucks a show. you have to drive like ten hours there. so technically, no. but we did get something for it. >> jimmy: a memory. >> that full body shame of making big choices and just the breeze of the swing that you took just like oh, no, that was a bad swing. >> jimmy: and it probably also really hit you because you have that in high school where you're trying to be cool, and then you get out of high school, well, now i'm cool to them. >> well, and i came up with sketch and improv and stand-ups. and all the stand-ups were really cool and wore leather jackets and smoked cigarettes. and we were all bringing our props in and being really energetic. so they hated us.

and they didn't think we were cool. so we didn't even have -- we didn't even have that thing where you can fall back on the mic stand and be like i guess you guys don't get it. we didn't even have that. so it's kind of formed my entire life, really. >> jimmy: and yet now you are teaching a master class. >> you're right. a master class. >> jimmy: amy poehler, everybody. [ applause ] master class, and "say more with dr.sheila," new episodes come out thursdays, wherever you listen to podcast. amy poehler, everybody. we'll be back with bert kreischer. [ applause ] into saving money. cuz... cuz you paid too much for those glasses. next time, go to america's best where two pairs and a free, quality eye exam start at just $79.95. the exam is alone is worth at least 59 bucks. wow. i gotta go tell my squad! hurry! ♪ i don't see how that's hurrying. two pairs and a free exam starting at $79.95.

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[ cheering and applause ] >> lou: this week on "jimmy kimmel live!" billie eilish and finneas, nicole byer, whitney cummings, and sean penn. plus music from grace potter, megan moroney, and maneskin. some people just know there's a podcast about that.

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♪ >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. music from wilco is on the way. our next guest is a very funny and often shirtless performer. his new comedy special "razzle dazzle" is on netflix now. please welcome bert kreischer! [ cheering and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: now that's a shirt you want to keep on, right?

[ laughter ] where did you get that shirt? >> it was left after a threesome. i picked it up. that worked for him. >> jimmy: how are you? >> i am fantastic. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. for those of you who are not familiar with your work, you have led an adventurous life, is that fair to say? >> yeah. i'm the luckiest -- i'm a drunk forrest gump. >> jimmy: you had some unbelievable experience that are detailed in your specials. you somehow got mixed up with the russian mafia, a lot of drinking, some drugs. you fought a bear one time. but i have to say, the most shocking thing i think i've ever learned about you, and i learned this listening to you with tom segura on your podcast is how much kool-aid you dry. >> i didn't even think that was odd. >> jimmy: that's what i loved about it. that you did not realize that it was unusual to drink how much? >> 64 ounce growler. >> jimmy: a 64-ounce growler of

kool-aid every single day. >> well, during covid, they told us hydration was very important. so i took that literal. i still don't think there is anything wrong with it. it's really good. i swear to god, if you get a growler, take it on a plane, right. half a xanax, maybe a vape pen, and you have a treat. any time panic kicks in, go hey, i got kool-aid. i love it. and shout out to kool-aid. if you want to sponsor me, kool-aid and pop tarts, they give you the little skinny stick. zero calories. >> jimmy: oh, so you're mixing it in the plane? you're asking for liquid. >> bro, i am so weird on a plane? secret time. if i have to fart, i'll get one of those prepackaged coffee filters, shove it under my ass and let it rip the whole time. >> jimmy: does that work? >> the dude next to me is i could go for a coffee. good, captain.

that works. that totally works. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: an excellent tip. i'm surprised martha stewart didn't share that one with us. so you are -- are you able? i know you have two teenaged girls. as a father, are you able to discipline them in any way? can you tell them don't do something when you're -- >> yeah, i'm actually -- i'm not the dad you think i am. i think people are like -- i'm like oh, weed is cool and mushrooms. i am a very strict parent, overbearing. like my oldest, georgia, got caught smoking weed with leanne kotter. and i was working on a tv show at lunch. caught georgia smoking weed. immediately, where did she get it? are you being serious? it's my weed? i don't have 15-year-old virgin weed. i got high end, high blood pressure i'm having panic attacks in the middle of the night thinking about death it goes dark one day weed. that's the weed i smoke. and so i light up.

now sidebar. i'm having lunch with snoop dogg, okay. [ laughter ] swear to god. the night we hung out, the last time we hung out where i made you give 25 grand at that charity. >> jimmy: right. at the charity event, right. >> so i cleared this with snoop. i go, this is my exact words as a parent. i said this isn't over. i'm going to light her ass up. tonight this ends when she is crying, and i hung up. not my best parenting moment. >> jimmy: did your make your wife feel reassured? >> no. my wife was like you have weed in the house? what did you expect? we had an alcohol sponsor, they were stealing those from our podcast, shout out to -- i don't mention [ laughter ] >> truly, it was great sponsor. [ laughter ] well, we lost them. so snoop's sitting across from me. he hears me hang up. problems on the home front? and i go, yeah, real bad. and he goes can i ask?

my daughter got caught smoking weed. and snoop's like that's it? she's 15, snoop. and he goes okay. and he goes you're going to light her ass up? yeah. until she cries? yeah. how old were you when you first smoked weed? i said that's irrelevant. 14. and he goes okay. can i give you some parenting advice, one dad to another dad? and you forget he is a dad, right? you think he is just snoop. yeah, okay. he goes don't be such a bitch. it ain't pills. it ain't powder. it's weed, man. and then snoop dogg says to me, you just upset because your daughter doesn't need you anymore. she's growing up. right? and i'm sitting there like what the -- come on, snoop. he goes, yeah, man, i ain't going to let that happen to my

niece, at least today. you ain't going to light her up at all. you come into my trailer, i'm going get you high. you ain't making that call. and jimmy, he got me so high in his trailer, swear to god, i handed the join to the mirror. and i said take it, i think he is trying to kill me. gauge chappelle facetimed us that night. it was the craziest night of my life. we might have ended up in a shower. the point is snoop is a great dad. [ applause ] >> jimmy: wow. that's crazy. are you always like this with your kids? where you're like -- >> i was -- i was the -- i lied a lot to them. like on christmas one year, they put up a gopro on the mantle. i see it, and they're morons. >> jimmy: how old are the kids at this time? >> who knows. i don't remember how old they are. they weren't wearing wristwatches that old. so i go what's up? can we talk to you for a second?

yeah. they bring me into georgia's room. they go dad, we think mom is santa claus. and i'm like that bitch! are you serious? i'm married to her. what is happening? she is lying to us? and then dad, i hate to blow it up, i think she is the tooth fairy. i was what? all the lies. i'm going have to divorce her! what are we going to do? don't worry, we're going to catch her. they leave. i see this. i don't tell leanne. i don't do anything. at night christmas eve i get dressed in bells with a white glove. i get under the mantle. i walk in, jingle, jingle, jingle, under the mantle, reach up with the glove, turn it around so they can't see anything. we set up a perfect christmas, get back under, white glove, turn it back around, boom, i edited it on apple movie. that night, christmas might, they're like mom, we want you to watch something. we watch it and it is like james

cameron good. it is so good, it is so good that my daughter georgia sees it and starts crying. my dad's like next to me. what the [ bleep ]! my sisters are like we caught santa? and my daughter is like dad, we need to tell the news. baby, we can't. think of all the jewish kids that can't have hanukkah anymore. it's so sad. mommy, we're so sorry, we're so sorry. they hug her. leanne is what did i do? you got away with one today, leanne. my dad goes what was that? i said is it good? is it good? i'm 70 years old. i believe in santa. are you kidding me? buddy, i think you just messed up your kids. no, dad, that's how you get them to believe. there are 12-year-olds who don't believe in jesus. what are you trying -- you got to tell them. not today. >> jimmy: it's a job well done, i think. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: tell me about this. you have a cruise coming up.

>>ie. >> jimmy: and when i say you have a cruise, it's the bert kreischer cruise. >> bert kreischer cruise. i've wanted to do this for a very long time since i found out kid rock did it. i love cruises. i'm a typical bro, right? i love cruises. i love tailgating. i love football. and offensive been wanting to do this cruise forever. i haven't drank in 65 days leading up to this cruise. i'm not sober. i'm smoking weed like crazy. i'm not sober, but i'll be drinking 84 when we hit this cruise october 27th. it goes out of miami. i am so pumped, jimmy. >> jimmy: these are all your fans? >> all my fans and all my favorite comics. all the hard-partying comics are coming. i'll be shocked if we all come back. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. they're going to tear you to pieces on that thing. >> oh, bro, i plan on blacking out so bad that my michigan wife throws up. it's going to be i'm training for the cruise. i haven't drank -- since i last saw you, i think it's the last time.

i'm ready. >> jimmy: will you even bring a shirt on this cruise? >> no. i'm in my natural habitat with no shirt. i'm from florida, okay? i knew two dudes without tongues. that's florida, right? tongueless brett brent. >> jimmy: i hope tongueless brent is going to be a part of the cruise. it's great to see you. congratulations. the netflix special is called "razzle dazzle." it is on now, and tickets for bert's tops off world tour you can get at bertbertbert.com. bert kreischer, everybody. thank you. we'll be back with wilco! ♪

their epic losing streak continues. [dragonman]: a kick in the teeth would hurt less. but they'd probably miss that too. let's show 'em that someone here knows how to kick it... ...with fireball. (♪) fireball. ignite the night, with fireball.

>> jimmy: thanks to amy poehler and bert kreischer. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. but first, their new album is called "cousin." here with the song "evicted," wilco! ♪ ♪ oh i can take a joke but my clothes are all soaked it's too late

to be unclear ♪ ♪ i'd laugh until i'd die if it wasn't my life if it wasn't me in the mirror ♪ ♪ am i ever going to see you again ♪ ♪ ♪ maybe i'm a whistle on a lonely old train i'm crying all the time ♪ ♪ listen to the sound getting further away fading deep into the night ♪ ♪ am i ever going to see you again ♪ ♪ i'm evicted from your heart i deserve it ♪

♪ black against the shade shadow lovers embrace i look away i look away ♪ ♪ they say heartache always fades i look away i look away ♪ ♪ i'm never gonna see you again ♪ ♪ i'm evicted from your heart i deserve it ♪ ♪ oh i can take a joke but my clothes are all smoke

it's too cold to be unclear ♪ ♪ i'd laugh until i'm old if it wasn't my life if it wasn't me in the mirror ♪ ♪ i'm never gonna see you again ♪ ♪ i'm evicted from your heart i deserve it ♪ ♪ i'm evicted from your heart i deserve it ♪ ♪ i deserve it i deserve it ♪ [ cheering and applause ]

♪ tonight, israel at war. hamas' surprise attack by air, land, and sea. armed gunman flooding in from the gaza strip, killing hundreds, injuring thousands, including americans. one of the first targets a music festival. >> we're running, and we hear gunshots. i think that's the moment w