don't forget roku. download the app now and start streaming soon. can't forget roku. no never. all right. thank you so much for watching. i'm amanda. >> and i'm dan ashley for spencer christian, larry beil. stanford wins. we appreciate your time right now on jimmy kimmel, amy poehler, have a great night and a wonderful weekend. previously on "jimmy kimmel live!" -- >> yay! >> keep going! >> oh!

lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, amy poehler, bert kreischer, and music from wilco. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheering and applause ] >> jimmy: i appreciate that. hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for coming. thank you for watching. i'd like to relay a special hello to those of you who are still drunk after monday night football. [ laughter ] we are coming to you from our home base, in the heart of hollywood. one of the strangest places in all the world, but we do get some competition from time to time.

this is from the sunday service at st. john the divine cathedral in new york where parishioners were invited to bring their pets to be blessed in honor of st. francis, the patron saint of animals. there were cats. there were dogs. a goose on site. there was a giant snake. they had a baby crocodile. look at that guy. a sloth paid its first visit to church in a basket, as did a very reluctant little donkey, who is probably an atheist that wanted no part of any of that. there is also some horrific news over the weekend, our friends and allies in israel, innocent civilians killed and kidnapped by the terrorist organization, hamas. israel is now at war. it's a nightmare situation. leaders from all around the world condemned the attack as did millions of americans, including our super-duper former pro-israel president, donald trump, who immediately found a way to make it about himself. he wrote, "the horrible attack

on israel, much like the attack on ukraine, would never have happened if i were president, zero chance." that's right. if he was president, we'd all be blissfully downing jiggers of bleach. [ laughter ] there would be no war anywhere. and then, because he was so upset about this, tragedy, he posted a photo of himself from when he and his waistline were still in their 40s playing tennis. [ laughter ] there is subpoena williams right there. [ laughter and applause ] can you imagine? i mean, seriously. can you imagine anyone else in the world doing anything even remotely like this? the guy who claims to be the most pro-israel president of all time was in cedar rapids on saturday demonstrating the deep well of insight he has into the ongoing conflict in the middle east. >> and i sit proudly with our friend and ally the state of israel, and i will do it again. you heard about today, the hom-mus, hom-mus terrorist invasion. >> jimmy: yes, the hummus, the

baba ganoush, the falafels. [ laughter ] what they're doing is a disgrace. on the day one of our closest allies is hit by a devastating terrorist attack, trump is onstage talking about how much better his body is than joe biden's. >> he's got a consultant somewhere. this is the worst consultant in politics that thinks he looks good in a bathing suit, right? no. he spends so much time at the beach. you know, how do you do that? and, you know, i have a much better body than him. [ laughter ] but i'm not really sure that i want to expose it with the sun blaring down, the sand, the surf, the wind, you know. i mean, you know, it's not a pretty sight. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] he makes some really good points. maybe instead of an election next year, we just have a wet tee shirt contest and end it. [ laughter ] this is trump's focus now, that drum he's beating, that joe biden, who's only three years older than he is, is too old. >> different people vote, and they sort of locked into that vote, no matter how bad a guy is. if a man is grossly incompetent,

he can't speak, he can't put two sentences together. he can't find his way off the stage. let's see. i got there. i can jump off this one. i could actually do it. he couldn't. >> jimmy: yeah, all right. do it, then. let's see it. [ laughter ] i would love to see you jump off that stage. [ applause ] i'd make a donation. like shamu flopping onto the observation deck at seaworld. [ laughter ] and if you're wondering, after all the dumb and terrible things trump has said and done, if there could be anyone left who still supports the guy? well, there sure are. >> president trump works for god, and god is all about america. and god is the one that's going save america. but actually, he's using president trump as one of his tools. so that's why we support president trump, because he works for god. >> jimmy: he's definitely one of god's tools, that's for sure. [ laughter ] the biggest tool god ever created.

trump has reportedly decided not to visit washington, d.c. this week, to not throw his hat in the ring for speaker of the house. trump bailed on that like it was dinner with eric. [ laughter ] he is now backing jim jordan of ohio for speaker. he said jim jordan has his complete and total endorsement, or cte for short. meanwhile, rudy giuliani is having financial trouble. according to the irs, rudy owes $550,000 in unpaid taxes, he has a half million dollar lien on his condo in florida and he's being sued for millions by his own lawyers. i guess screaming outside a dildo factory isn't as profitable as it used to be. [ laughter ] right, guillermo? >> guillermo: right, jimmy. [ applause ] >> jimmy: did you have a good weekend? >> guillermo: i had a great weekend, yes. >> jimmy: what did you do this weekend? >> guillermo: oh, jimmy, i went to homecoming. >> jimmy: what? >> guillermo: i went to homecoming, jimmy. >> jimmy: are you in high school? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: no. i took my son to the homecoming. but we had a great time. >> jimmy: to the homecoming? >> guillermo: yeah. football.

we had a great time. >> jimmy: whose homecoming was it? >> guillermo: oh, my neighbor's son. >> jimmy: oh, your neighbor's. >> guillermo: his son. his son is in high school. >> jimmy: you think benji wants to play football? did you watch the cowboys? >> guillermo: what a disaster. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all eyes this weekend actually on minnesota where the world was wondering whether taylor swift would show up to cheer on travis kelce. i was watching the game. my 9-year-old daughter walks in the room, she looks at the tv, "is that travis kelce?" i'm like, what the hell? [ laughter ] i really was flabbergasted. and then she lost interest because taylor did not make the trip. taylor swift was at the last two games cheering travis alongside his mother, who has become a celebrity as a result of all of this. donna kelce was even on the "today" show, and you can tell she was very, very excited. >> what was she like? so you got to know her a little bit? got to see her a couple of

games. how was it? >> it was okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: blink twice if the swifties threatened your life. [ laughter ] >> we've both met her, and we've always been delighted by her way. >> yeah, yeah. >> yeah? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah? if we saw that kind of reaction on a "bachelor" hometown visit, you'd go, all right, somebody's not getting a rose, i guess. [ laughter ] today, by the way, is both indigenous peoples and columbus day. christopher columbus was an explorer who didn't exactly discover america, but he did yell "first" when he got here. [ laughter ] and so today, we thought it would make sense to speak to some modern explorers, tourists out on hollywood boulevard, to ask them, foreigners to our land, to tell us what they find weird about us here in the u.s. ♪ >> what is the weirdest thing about americans? >> nosy. they're very nosy. >> do an impression of a nosy american.

>> a nosy american, where you from? and then my name karan, but i always get karen, which is just so embarrassing. i've traveled the world, and let me tell you, nobody else says karen except americans. i could go to a starbucks and they scream out karen, and it's the most embarrassing thing ever, ever, ever. >> so let's say an american was walking down the street in poland, how would you be able to tell they're american? >> they're loud. loud. >> loud. and if you see them at night, they're usually drunk. >> if they come from here, they're most tanned in the skin and a little bit wider. >> tan and fat. >> yeah. >> they just eat and eat and eat. they don't care on the qualities, just the quantity. >> would you say they're a little fatter? >> a lot. >> when an american finds out you're from australia, what's the dumbest thing they ask you? >> someone asked me if there is kangaroos there. like if there is kangaroos there.

obviously there's kangaroos there. >> can you do an impression of an american? >> i'll have a cheeseburger with french fries. oh, oh and what kind of sauce do you have? >> i'll take the steak. i'll take it well done with fries. >> who is your least favorite american? >> i'll be typical. i'll say donald trump. >> who is your least favorite american? >> donald trump. >> donald trump. i don't really like donald trump. i'm so sorry. >> draw the average american. >> the average american? i will get in trouble for this one! basketball shorts, obviously, and a larger than life drink. and then the baseball hat. >> somebody is happy. they love their country. they've got a nice family and they're enjoying the sun. >> and they're super fat? >> no. that's just bad drawing. there you go. >> is that a dorito they have for a vest? >> yeah, why not? a dorito, yeah. >> any advice for american karens?

>> chop that hair off. it's so old. change your name. you can do it. honestly. i'm bearing the brunt of it. >> you're the nicest karen i've ever met. >> oh my god, i'm not karen. it's karan. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, that's just what a karen would say. thank you, karan. we have a fun show for you tonight. bert kreischer is here, we've got music from wilco, and we'll bert kreischer is here, we've got music from wilco, and we'll be right back with amy poehler. ( ♪ ♪ ) looks like it's grime time huh? dr. garcia? crest reality checkup. that grimy film on your teeth? it's actually the buildup of plaque bacteria which can cause cavities in months. and your toothpaste just isn't cutting it. most toothpastes quit working in minutes. but the antibacterial fluoride in crest pro-health protects for up to 12 hours.

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[ cheering and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back to the show. tonight he has a netflix stand-up comedy special. it's called "razzle dazzle," a very funny man. bert kreischer is with us. [ cheering ] then later, a great band, celebrating 28 years together and counting. this is their 13th album called "cousin." music from wilco tonight. [ cheering ] this week with some excellent guests including with sean penn, josh duhamel, whitney cummings, nicole byer. billie eilish and finneas will be here.

we'll have music from grace potter and megan moroney and maneskin. please join us for all that. our first guest tonight is a national treasure and a current emmy nominee with a new podcast called "say more with dr. sheila." new episodes come out every thursday. please say hello to amy poehler. [ cheering and applause ] ♪ >> hi! welcome back. >> jimmy: thanks for coming. gosh, it's been a long time since you were on the show. >> that's right. we were just looking up the last time i was here, and it was february 2020. >> jimmy: february 2020. that was right before covid kicked in. >> right before it all stopped. >> jimmy: so what have you been doing since february 2020? >> wow, well, i -- let's see. what have i been doing the past couple of years? i got a new couch. >> jimmy: that's great, yeah. >> and that's it.

>> jimmy: that's all, huh? [ laughter ] so you kept very busy. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: but it's a good couch, i hope. >> i'm so glad you're back. >> jimmy: i'm so glad you're back. [ cheering ] and hopefully soon this actors' strike will be settled. >> indeed. cannot wait. >> jimmy: we've had enough of this. and it's time to get going already here. >> yeah. i'm really proud of the work that my unions are doing, and i'm in full support of them. and i really think that everybody can't wait to get back to work. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and i also like to point out that during this downtime where we're not working, you haven't been just sitting around. you did something brave, actually. you started a tiktok. [ laughter ] >> that's right. thank you. it is brave. thank you. yeah. heroic even. >> jimmy: why now? and why also? >> well, i kind of lurked on tiktok for most of the pandemic for a couple of years. i just loved it. i thought it was really creative, and there are so many funny people on it. so i just waited a really long time to try to join it, because i didn't want to get it wrong. and i still might be getting it

wrong, but it's just kind of fun. >> jimmy: is there a way to get it wrong? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: oh really? i don't know. i don't trust it. >> that's smart. don't even go there. if you don't know, don't play. don't play. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? >> but, no. i'm still like learning how to engage with it because i don't really have -- >> jimmy: no other social media accounts? oh, you got in with tiktok. >> i got in. >> jimmy: you really waited. [ laughter ] >> i really did. i really did. >> jimmy: that's a long time to keep your toe dipped in that water. >> yeah, yeah. it's been super fun. and i kind of roped my friends in. >> jimmy: yeah, you made this video, dance video. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: in las vegas. >> with the great maya rudolph. >> jimmy: with maya rudolph there you guys are. >> the great maya. >> jimmy: what song are we not hearing right now? >> oh, we can't afford it. [ laughter ] can't afford it. [ cheering and applause ] >> but that, we were in your hometown during the cyber hack,

and the funny story about that is we didn't even notice. >> jimmy: really? for real? >> oh, okay. i'm not a big gambler. neither is maya. we were kind of walking through the casinos, it's so quiet. >> jimmy: for those who don't know, some hackers got in, and they shut everything down. they were even like -- the doors to the rooms were opening on their own. >> yeah. that's what i heard, that you couldn't adjust your own blinds, which to me, that's not okay. >> jimmy: that's not good. >> that's not okay. >> jimmy: the slot machines were not functioning. >> yeah. the slot machines were down, i guess. you couldn't use credit cards. >> jimmy: that's not good. >> no. >> jimmy: and you did not notice? >> we did not. >> jimmy: how long were you there? >> we were there for a good amount of time. [ laughter ] and oh, let's post this tiktok. you know what? vegas is in the news. and it was the hack. and we were like oh, we survived it. [ laughter ] because i think we probably have different las vegas experiences. >> jimmy: not only did you survive it, you ignored it completely. [ laughter ] why do you say we have different las vegas? besides me living there and you not living there.

>> do you like to gamble? >> jimmy: a little bit. not a ton. i don't do a ton. >> you don't lose your mind when you're there? >> jimmy: no, not at all. i do not. i learned. one of the very few things my father taught me is he said, you see these beautiful casinos? and i said, yeah. he goes, you think they built these from people winning? [ laughter ] i guess not. that stuck with me. >> yeah. we didn't sense any of it. and when i walked away, remember all those "ocean's eleven" movies where they had to contort themselves into a box and duck under lasers? they could have just gone to linkedin and click two buttons and could have got all the money. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: bamboozled an i.t. guy. the movie wouldn't have been as good. >> no, it's all the i.t. guys. it wouldn't have been as good. brad pitt as the i.t. guy would have been a little hard to buy. >> jimmy: did you do anything there? did you go to shows? eat? >> no. >> jimmy: nothing? no u2 or anything like that?

>> no, but i saw their show was in the dome and all that stuff. that looks a little steep. >> jimmy: physically steep? it is physically steep. >> have you been there? >> jimmy: i went, yeah. it's a little scary. >> it looks a little scary. >> jimmy: there should be more rails than there are. i'm hoping they put in more rails. because the whole time i was nervous the guy in front of me was going to go over the rail. and that whole thing is like one intrusive thought. it looks like it's going to start to roll away. [ laughter ] it might. >> jimmy: wouldn't that be something? >> that would be fun. i'm sure if it does, it's meant to do that. [ laughter ] it might be fun. >> jimmy: roll through the desert and a giant dog followed behind it. [ laughter ] so you started a podcast. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: which i have to tell you something. the podcast is super funny. >> thank you for listening to it. >> jimmy: how do you pronounce the title of the podcast? >> it's called "dr. sheila" because you are to say doctor as a form of a question because she is not a licensed therapist. >> jimmy: so "doctor" has a question mark. >> and you have to say it that

way, or else everyone will get in trouble. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what you have done is you parodied something that i didn't realize could or should be parodied, which i think is a great achievement. >> thanks. >> jimmy: we all hear people parodying npr. this or that. somebody did it first, obviously. but you zeroed in on this genre of podcasts. >> i love podcasts. >> jimmy: you do? >> i love them. i listen to them all the time. i loved yours in the strike force five you did. >> jimmy: thank you very much. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> so great. awesome. >> jimmy: we actually released our final edition of that tonight. >> it's good. let's wrap it up. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] we covered it all. >> it's time to wrap up. but it was so funny. i listen to them all the time. and i love that they feel very intimate. you have your headphones on, and in l.a. you're driving around in your car listening to it. and i'm kind of obsessed with this way in which people talk about their deep, very personal, awful, like intimate couple things in realtime for everyone to hear.

so there is this big trend, couples therapy and all this stuff on shows and podcasts. and so i just wanted to play a therapist who was not a therapist and -- but just like get into the fun of giving bad advice and not being particularly good at your job, not a great listener, and just saying all those things that i like to think real therapists wish they could say. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you picked up on the voice also, very particular. can you do it without a microphone in your face? >> i think she -- we improvise the podcasts. so we have our funny friends come in, and they have a problem, and she just kind of -- there is a lot of mmm. there is a lot of mmms. she kind of gets -- she is very slow and she is very measured. she is a boomer, so she is worried she is not going to make to it shania twain, which she is going to. [ laughter ] but she is kind of a little judgmental and a little checked out. and i think sometimes she isn't listening.

so she asks a question to stall for time. because she hasn't been paying attention. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: would you be able to help me if i presented you as dr. sheila -- >> me, amy poehler, i should not give advice. i have no idea what i'm talking about. and i really believe that true professionals have helped me in my life. but dr. sheila, yes, what do you want? >> jimmy: should i give you a real issue in my life with my wife? >> i mean, if molly is okay with that. >> jimmy: she doesn't get a choice. [ laughter ] she is standing in the corner. i am a very messy person. >> okay. >> jimmy: and i order a lot of stuff online. and my wife is -- she is a minimalist in a lot of ways. and it causes a conflict between us. not -- not every day, but like four or 500 times a day. [ laughter ] >> mmm. so i guess my first question to

you would be, what is the hole you're trying to fill? [ laughter ] and that's a good question to ask your wife too. [ laughter ] [ applause ] let's start there. >> jimmy: here is another one for you. >> yeah, okay. >> jimmy: that one was very helpful. >> yeah, it's a good question to always ask in relationships. >> jimmy: my wife insists on the pool being heated to at least 90 degrees. >> okay. >> jimmy: preferably at the same temperature as her blood. but also wants a cold plunge in the yard, which is about 38 degrees. >> sure. >> jimmy: should i jump off the roof or a bridge? [ laughter ] which would be -- as i try to wrap my skull around this? >> i guess what i'm hearing from you, and correct me if i'm wrong, but if you do correct me, think about why you're correcting me. [ laughter ]

i would say that it's -- to me what is threatening to you is extremes, whether it be temperature or -- and so i think you need to ask yourself, what does it mean when my wife wants to get cold? and how do i feel abandoned? when that happens? [ laughter ] and, you know, look, we've all threatened to jump off a bridge or a roof, but at the end of the day, don't talk about it if you're not going to do it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: amy poehler, everybody! we're back after a break. "say more with dr. sheila." we'll be right back. have heart failure with unresolved symptoms? it may be time to see the bigger picture. heart failure and seemingly unrelated symptoms like carpal tunnel syndrome... shortness of breath... and irregular heartbeat could mean something more serious,

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[ cheering and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hey, everybody, we are back. bert kreischer and wilco are on the way. amy has a podcast we just chatted about. you're on tour with tina fey right now. >> yes, it's been so fun. >> jimmy: "the restless leg tour"? >> that's right. >> jimmy: why is it called the restless leg tour? >> well, we suffer from it nightly. [ laughter ] no, we're kind of celebrating our 30 years of friendship. [ audience: aww ] >> aww. we've been together as long as wilco. [ laughter ] and, yes, so we've been on the road. it's been a blast. >> jimmy: after 30 years, is it still a celebration? is there anything you don't know about each other at this point? >> there is. we do a q&a in the show where we ask each other questions that the audience gives us. and we do learn something new about each other all the time

each after all this time. >> jimmy: so the audience comes up with good questions? >> they do. like, "what is your favorite cheese?" and i would have guessed feta for tina, but i didn't know. it's that kind of stuff you can come see us do. [ laughter ] i don't want to give it away. that kind of stuff. and explosions too and stuff. >> jimmy: based on greek, is that why you would guess feta? >> yeah, i wouldn't want to assume. but i would know it's her top one or two. and it turns out it's her number one. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you also have a master class, which we watched last night. >> yes. >> jimmy: it was really, you know, i have to say, some of these master classes, i like to watch them. >> you do? >> jimmy: yeah. i think that some of them are a stretch on how they apply to real life. and at first i thought maybe yours was too. >> sure. >> jimmy: but then i watch and i didn't think yours was. >> i appreciate that. it's about like preparing to be unprepared. it's like using improv rules and applying them to your real life. and i just want to point out, i

know it is weird i spent the first segment talking about how a lot of people unqualified give people advice. and now i'm talking about master class. [ laughter ] but i'm complicated, jimmy. you know what i mean? when you think i'm going to go right, i'm going go left. >> jimmy: you are very qualified, though, to speak on this subject. >> it was super fun to do. i really like those. i think they do a great job producing them. that was really fun. >> jimmy: they come out really good. did you enjoy being in that position of power? >> yes. sitting in a leather chair and walking in and speaking, yeah. >> jimmy: unquestioned. >> you get why people like go crazy and lose their minds, because when people call them experts, then you start to feel like one. it's kind of hard for comedy people to take it seriously, right? >> jimmy: right, yeah. you feel like you want to put a pin in it the whole time. but you're saying actually it's something people who are watching are interested in. speaking of improv, you've been doing that a long time, since you were a kid? >> yeah. well, yeah. i guess i did it when i was a

little kid. i never acted when i was a kid. i didn't know anyone who was an actor. but when i went to college i saw an improv group, and i thought oh, i can do that. >> jimmy: and that became upright citizens brigade. >> yep. that's where i met so many friends of mine. and that's what helped me get on to "snl." >> jimmy: do you ever miss those days where you're trying to make it? >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: before you were a master -- >> no. no, i do, i do. like i miss the schlep and the grind. but i've had so many bad shows, so many. >> jimmy: yeah. >> like really, really bad shows. >> jimmy: does one stick out in particular? >> one time when we toured with second city, we had to do an after prom. do you guys know -- after your prom you'd get shut in, in your gym, and there would be activities? >> jimmy: oh, that's a great setup. that's the perfect setup. >> hey, guys, give me some suggestion from the audience! . it was a nightmare. it was a nightmare. and also high school students are -- high school kids are the

scariest people in the world. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they are, aren't they? >> the scariest people in the world. they'll decimate you. >> jimmy: especially when they're around each other in a group, yeah. >> you don't want to walk by a bunch of high school kids. or perform for them in any way. [ laughter ] and i did both of those a lot. yeah. but you know -- >> jimmy: did you get paid for that gig? >> no! >> jimmy: oh really? >> i guess at second city we got like 50 bucks a show. you have to drive like ten hours there. so technically, no. [ laughter ] but we did get something for it. >> jimmy: a memory. >> that full body shame of making big choices and just the breeze of the swing that you took, just like, oh, no, that was a bad swing. >> jimmy: and it probably also really hit you because you have that in high school where you're trying to be cool, and then you get out of high school, well, now i'm cool to them. >> well, and i came up with sketch and improv and stand-ups. and all the stand-ups were really cool and wore leather jackets and smoked cigarettes. and we were all bringing our

props in and being really energetic. so they hated us. and they didn't think we were cool. so we didn't even have -- we didn't even have that thing where you can fall back on the mic stand and be like, i guess you guys don't get it. [ laughter ] we didn't even have that. so it's kind of formed my entire life, really. >> jimmy: and yet now you are teaching a master class. >> you're right. a master class. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: amy poehler, everybody. master class, and "say more with dr. sheila," new episodes come out thursdays wherever you listen to podcasts. amy poehler, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be back with bert kreischer. [rumbling] [rumbling] [explosions] [whooshing] [crashing] ♪ “nautilus" by anna meredith ♪ [swords clanging] [yipping] [music builds and fades] [distant crashing nears]

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>> lou: this week on "jimmy kimmel live!" --

♪ >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. music from wilco is on the way. our next guest is a very funny and often shirtless performer. his new comedy special "razzle dazzle" is on netflix now. please welcome bert kreischer! [ cheering and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: now that's a shirt you want to keep on, right? [ laughter ]

where did you get that shirt? >> it was left after a threesome. [ laughter ] i picked it up. "that worked for him." >> jimmy: how are you? >> i am fantastic. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. for those of you who are not familiar with your work, you have led an adventurous life, is that fair to say? >> yeah. i'm the luckiest -- i'm a drunk forrest gump. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you had some unbelievable experiences that are detailed in your specials. you somehow got mixed up with the russian mafia, a lot of drinking, some drugs. you fought a bear one time. but i have to say, the most shocking thing i think i've ever learned about you, and i learned this listening to you with tom segura on your podcast, is how much kool-aid you drink. [ laughter ] >> i didn't even think that was odd. >> jimmy: that's what i loved about it. that you did not realize that it was unusual to drink how much?

>> a 64 ounce growler. >> jimmy: a 64-ounce growler of kool-aid every single day. >> well, during covid, they told us hydration was very important. [ laughter ] so i took that literal. i still don't think there is anything wrong with it. [ laughter ] it's really good. i swear to god, if you get a growler, take it on a plane, right? half a xanax, maybe a vape pen, and you have a treat. any time panic kicks in, go hey, i got kool-aid. [ laughter ] i love it. and shout out to kool-aid. if you want to sponsor me, kool-aid and pop tarts, they give you the little skinny stick. zero calories. >> jimmy: oh, so you're mixing it in the plane? you're asking for liquid. yeah. >> bro, i am so weird on a plane. [ laughter ] secret time. if i have to fart, i'll get one of those prepackaged coffee filters, shove it under my ass and let it rip the whole flight. >> jimmy: does that work? >> the dude next to me is, i could go for a coffee.

[ laughter ] bet you could, captain. yeah. that works. that totally works. >> jimmy: an excellent tip. i'm surprised martha stewart didn't share that one with us. [ laughter ] so you are -- are you able? i know you have two teenage girls. as a father, are you able to discipline them in any way? can you tell them don't do something when you're -- >> yeah, i'm actually -- i'm not the dad you think i am. i think people are like -- i'm like oh, weed is cool and mushrooms. i am a very strict parent, overbearing. like my oldest, georgia, got caught smoking weed with -- leanne caught her. and i was working on a tv show at lunch. she texted me. "caught georgia smoking weed." immediately i'm like, "where did she get it?" she's like, "are you being serious?" i'm like, "it's my weed?" [ laughter ] i don't have 15-year-old virgin weed. i got high end, high blood pressure i'm having panic attacks in the middle of the night thinking about death it goes dark one day weed. [ laughter ]

that's the weed i smoke. and so i light up. now, sidebar. i'm having lunch with snoop dogg, okay. [ laughter ] swear to god. the night we hung out, the last time we hung out where i made you give 25 grand at that charity. >> jimmy: right. at the charity event, right. >> so i cleared this with snoop. i go -- this is my exact words as a parent. i said, "this isn't over, i'm going to light her ass up. tonight this ends when she's crying." and i hung up. not my best parenting moment. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did your make your wife feel reassured? >> no. my wife was like, you have weed in the house, what did you expect? >> jimmy: right. >> we had an alcohol sponsor, they were stealing those from our podcast. shout-out to -- i won't mention. [ laughter ] >> truly, it was great sponsor. [ laughter ] well, we lost them. so snoop's sitting across from me. he hears me hang up. he's like, "problems on the home

front?" and i go, "yeah, real bad." he goes, "can i ask?" i go, "my daughter got caught smoking weed." snoop's like, "that's it?" [ laughter ] "she's 15, snoop." he goes, "okay." he goes, "you're going to light her ass up?" "yeah." "until she cries?" "yeah." "how old were you when you first smoked weed?" "that's irrelevant." i go, "14." "canniv i give you parenting advice?" you forget he's a dad, he's just snoop. "don't be such a bitch. it ain't pills, it ain't powder, it's weed, man." snoop dogg just said to me, "you're upset because your daughter doesn't need you anymore, she's growing up." >> jimmy: wow. >> i'm like what the

[ bleep ] -- go on, snoop. he said, "i ain't going to let that happen to my niece, not today. you come to my trailer, i'm going to get you high. you ain't making that call." jimmy, he got me so high in his trailer, i handed the joint to the mirror. [ laughter ] and i said, "take it, i think ease trying to kill me." dave chappelle facetimed us that night. it was the craziest night of my life! we might have ended up in the shower. [ laughter ] my point is, snoop's a great dad. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. that's crazy. are you always like this with your kids? where you're like -- >> i was -- i was the -- i lied a lot to them. like on christmas one year, they put up a gopro on the mantel. i see it, and they're morons. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how old are the kids at this time? >> who knows. i don't remember how old they are. [ laughter ] they weren't wearing wristwatches, that old.

so i go, what's up? they go, can we talk to you for a second? i'm like, yeah. they bring me into georgia's room. they go dad, we think mom is santa claus. [ laughter ] i'm like, that bitch! [ laughter ] are you serious? i'm married to her, what is happening? she's lying to us? and then, dad, i hate to blow it up, i think she is the tooth fairy. i was, what? all the lies, i'm going to have to divorce her, what are we going to do? they go, don't worry, we're going to catch her, and they leave. i see this. i don't tell leanne. i don't do anything. at night christmas eve i get dressed in bells with a white glove. i get under the mantel. i walk right in. gopro's rolling. i walk in. jingle, jingle under the mantel. reach up with the glove. turn it around so they can't see anything. we set up a perfect christmas, get back under, white glove, turn it back around, boom, i edited it on apple movie. that night, christmas might, they're like, "mom, we want you to watch something." we hid it.

it is like james cameron good. [ laughter ] it is so good, it is so good that my daughter georgia sees it and starts crying. my dad's like next to me. in his 70s. he's like, "what the [ bleep ]?" [ laughter ] my sisters are like, "we caught santa?" and my daughter is like dad, we need to tell the news. baby, we can't. think of all the jewish kids that can't have hanukkah anymore. [ laughter ] it's so sad. and they go, mommy, we're so sorry, so sorry! they hug her. leann is like, what did i do? you got away with one today, babe. my dad goes, what was that? i said, i edited it. i said, is it good? is it good? i'm 70 years old. i believe in santa. are you kidding me? buddy, i think you just messed up your kids. [ laughter ] no, dad, that's how you get them to believe. he goes, there are 12-year-olds who don't believe in jesus. what are you trying -- you got to tell them. i was like, not today. >> jimmy: it's a job well done, i think. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: tell me about this. you have a cruise coming up.

>> yes. >> jimmy: and when i say you have a cruise, it's the bert kreischer cruise. >> bert kreischer cruise. i've wanted to do this for a very long time since i found out kid rock did it. i love cruises. i'm a typical bro, right? i love cruises. i love tailgating. i love football. and offensive been wanting to do this cruise forever. i haven't drank in 65 days leading up to this cruise. i'm not sober. i'm smoking weed like crazy. [ laughter ] i'm not sober, but i'll be drinking day 84 when we hit this cruise, october 27th. it goes out of miami. i am so pumped, jimmy. >> jimmy: these are all your fans? >> all my fans and all my favorite comics. all the hard-partying comics are coming. it is going to be -- i'll be shocked if we all come back. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. they're going to tear you to pieces on that thing. >> oh, bro, i plan on blacking out so bad that my wife throws up. [ laughter ] it's going to be -- i'm training for the cruise. i haven't drank -- since i last saw you, i think it's the last time. i'm ready.

>> jimmy: will you even bring a shirt on this cruise? >> no. i'm in my natural habitat with no shirt. i'm from florida, okay? i knew two dudes without tongues. that's florida, right? [ laughter ] tongueless brent. this cruise was meant for me. >> jimmy: i hope tongueless brent is going to be a part of the cruise. it's great to see you. congratulations. the netflix special is called "razzle dazzle." it is on now, and tickets for bert's "tops off world tour" you can get at bertbertbert.com. bert kreischer, everybody. thank you. we'll be back with wilco!

we made it! bmo has arrived. hello? you said it. hello to more ways to save money, grow your wealth, grow your business. just what we needed, another big bank. not so fast. how many banks do you know that reward you for saving every month? he's got a good point. did i mention bmo has more fee-free atms than the two largest us banks combined? uh, b-m-o? just "bee-mo", actually. quick question, will all this stuff fit in your car? ( ♪ ) should i get rid of the mug? ♪ bmo ♪

>> jimmy: thanks to amy poehler and bert kreischer. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. but first, their new album is called "cousin." here with the song "evicted," wilco! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ oh i can take a joke but my clothes are all soaked it's too

late to be unclear ♪ ♪ i'd laugh until i'd die if it wasn't my life if it wasn't me in the mirror ♪ ♪ am i ever going to see you again ♪ ♪ ♪ maybe i'm a whistle on a lonely old train i'm crying all the time ♪ ♪ listen to the sound getting further away fading deep into the night ♪ ♪ am i ever going to see you again ♪ ♪ i'm evicted from your heart i deserve it ♪

♪ ♪ black against the shade shadow lovers embrace i look away i look away ♪ ♪ they say heartache always fades i look away i look away ♪ ♪ i'm never gonna see you again ♪ ♪ i'm evicted from your heart i deserve it ♪ ♪ ♪ oh i can take a joke but my clothes are all smoke it's too

cold to be unclear ♪ ♪ i'd laugh until i'm old if it wasn't my life if it wasn't me in the mirror ♪ ♪ i'm never gonna see you again ♪ ♪ i'm evicted from your heart i deserve it ♪ ♪ i'm evicted from your heart i deserve it ♪ ♪ i deserve it i deserve it ♪ ♪ [ cheering and applause ]

♪ this is "nightline." >>. >> byron: tonight, the desperate mission to find the hostages in gaza. as many as 150 captured, including 14 americans.