right. that is our report for sandhya patel larry beil. all of us here, i'm dan ashley. we appreciate your time right now on jimmy kimmel. sean diddy combs. we'll see you tomorrow. have a good night. happy halloween. previously on "jimmy kimmel live!" -- >> we know you want to go big or go home this year. you know you want to impress your family. we know you want to have fun. i have my avocado one here, up to ten speeds. soft start feature. so it's going to give it a little bit. oh! sorry. but what i love is that i can decide how, you know, what do i want in my guacamole to be. do i want it to be really thick? do i want it to be chunky? do i want it to be really smooth? tonight -- sean "diddy" combs. pete holmes.

and music from jessie murph & jelly roll. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheering and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, thank you. hello. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. you know, let me tell you something. i think you'll agree with me on this, guillermo. with all the unpleasantness and division permeating just about everything in this country right now, i thought it might be nice to start the show with something patriotic. you okay with that? is it too corny? [ cheering ] in milwaukee last night, a superstar of music delivered what turned out to be a rousing rendition of our national anthem. i won't tell you who it was, because i'd like you to watch this clip, listen to it, and as

you do, see if you can guess who is delivering this beautiful ode to our united states of america. are you ready? >> yeah! >> jimmy: if you're wearing a hat, please remove it, and we will begin. ♪ and the rocket's red glare ♪ ♪ the bombs bursting in air ♪ ♪ gave proof to the n our flag was still there ♪ >> jimmy: oh, wow, look at that. that's flava flav. flava flav with a helluva cover of francis scott offkey.

♪ oer the land of the free the home of the brave ♪ ♪ of the brave, of the >> jimmy: wow, the land of the free and the home of the flavor. when you have a clock around your neck, you sing for as long as you want. they don't stop you. hey, speaking of big finishes, former vice president mike pence told a group of jewish republicans over the weekend that his campaign for president is no more. >> the bible tells us that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. in traveling across the country over the past six months, i came here to say it's become clear to me this is not my time.

>> jimmy: it's true. his time was 1956, and he missed it. mike pence made this announcement from the venetian hotel in las vegas. i didn't know mother even allowed him to be in las vegas. >> my wonderful wife karen, who is inspiring faith, strength, and love saw us through all of our years of service. we did it all together. and i could not have done it without her. >> jimmy: you could not have done what? you quit. you ran for president for four months and then gave up. in vegas of all places! mike pence ending his campaign in las vegas could be a sign that he's losing his mind. next time we see him, he'll be blackout drunk on tmz yelling, "the only god i believe in is criss angel!" it's a shame. that le never be president, because, i mean, well, for one, just imagine all the wonderful dancing that would have been

outlawed at his inaugural ball. and while the gop primary may have lost a principled man who commanded almost 4% of the vote, the space force just gained one hell of an intergalactic moon ranger. for that i applaud him. you know, mike's -- [ applause ] -- mike's former owner donald trump had a lot to say this weekend, despite the fact that a federal judge yesterday reinstated the gag order that prevents him from going after court personnel, the special counsel, or potential witnesses in the january 6th case against him. trump waited a full 75 minutes before violating that gag order, he lashed out as a potential witness, his former attorney general bill barr in response to barr saying trump's verbal skills are limited. trump didn't like that so he broke out the old thesaurus said i caught bill barr dumb, weak, slow moving, lethargic, gutless, and lazy, a rino who couldn't do the job." gee, what kind of an idiot would hire someone like that?

trump was posting angry messages furiously until 12:40 a.m., and then started right up again this morning at 7:30. at this point, he doesn't need a gag order so much as he needs a shock collar. to contain himself. carrot bottom was also in vegas this weekend where he unloaded some very self-unaware comments about two other lovers of the buffet. >> i remember with chris christie, a guy shouts out, "he's a fat pig." no, he shouted out "chris christie is a fat pig." then they shouted out bill barr is a slob, a fat pig. you're not allowed to use the word fat. you're not allowed to say that. bill barr, sewer i have a fat pig. i say listen, bill barr is not a fat pig. chris christie is not a fat pig, sir. i said that because i just heard somebody call somebody a fat pig. no. we're not allowed to call guys

fat pigs. >> it's a really good lesson. he is finally starting to mature. i'm starting to think he actually believes he weighs 215 pounds. scammy davis jr. put on quite a show for the vegas crowd, including a reboot of that alleged pee tape russia was rumored to have of him. >> how about going home to my wife in the shower, you know, the golden shower they called it. and i had to explain that to our great first lady. i said this thing with the golden shower, the golden shower was a problem for me. >> jimmy: well, admitting it's a problem is the first step. but good idea bringing that back up! i almost forgot about it. then rich little hands treated the crowd to a new bit he does, a dead-on impression of joe biden. >> and he goes, "thank thank you."

right? >> jimmy: right. imagine, you got beat by a guy who does that. it's incredible. [ cheering ] this is his new thing. he's been doing this confused old joe biden routine a lot lately, which made what he did the very next day in iowa even more perfect. >> thank you very much, and very big hello to a place where we've done very well, sioux falls, thank you very much, sioux falls. so sioux city. let me ask you. how many people come from sioux

city >> jimmy: perfect save! flawless. nobody even noticed. it was incredible. trump was all over the place this weekend, so we slowed him down to half speed for another edition of drunk donald trump. ♪ >> and i apologize for those lights. the only place i don't have a light is up here. so that means we're going to have to weaken tonight. no light. they give us plenty of lights, but not to read this crap. they wrote me a beautiful speech. i might as well throw it right out the window. >> jimmy: he's great. he is doing great. and despite all his many ridiculous flaws and the fact that he turns on almost everyone he knows, he still manages to drum up support from old friends.

in iowa, trump locked down a major endorsement from one of his own former cabinet member who is still willing to be seen with him in public. the formerly deceased dr. ben carson came out of mothballs to wow the crowd! >> you know, benjamin franklin was asked in 1787 after they finished the convention, what do we have here in a monarchy or a republic. he said a republic if you can keep it. the way we can keep it is we can put donald j. trump back in office. >> jimmy: so much charisma. he reminds me of a slightlythe carries himself. ben carson of course is famous for being both a brain surgeon and the model for the bear on the front of the sleepy time tea box. every time trump needs to prove he has a black friend, they pull ben carson out of cryosleep like wesley snipes in "demolition man." you know who isn't getting any big endorsements these days? george santos, who has been

charged with 23 counts including identity theft, credit card fraud, and conspiracy, and who could be voted out of congress as soon as wednesday thanks to a resolution introduced by his fellow new york republican, anthony d'esposito. >> whereas as a relative humidity of this accents, george santos is not fit to serve his constituents as a united states representative. now therefore be it resolved that article i, section 5, clause 2 of the constitution of the united states of america, representative george santos be and hereby is expelled from the house of representatives. >> jimmy: and i say this as a man wearing 11 shirts at once. george santos is getting it from all sides now. this was the scene outside the courthouse after he was arraigned. >> hey hey, ho ho, santos has to go. hey hey, ho ho, george santos has got to go. >> you killed my dog, george! >> put that liar in the fryer!

>> jimmy: almost makes it sound delicious. george santos has been running from the media, but he did sit down last week for a very revealing interview with meghan mccain. >> i had reporters send questions about what is your skin care routine? holy crap. and then i literally said i spread la mer on my toast in the morning if that helps. >> you use la mer? >> i do. it's so good. it could be better, i've been very stressed so i have been breaking out. the reality is i've been using botox since i'm 25 years old. >> really? >> and it's worked wonders. look, i'm 35. i feel like i'm okay for 35. i use fillers, and i don't lie about it. >> jimmy: i love how proud he is of not lying about something. is the one thing i don't lie about. with all these charges piling up and a motion to expel coming on wednesday santos clearly has a lot to think about so i thought we should probably check in on him. >> that's when i won gold in

women's greco-roman wrestling at the special olympics. >> jimmy: hello, congressman santos. hello. >> will you just leave me around. i'm mingling with my constituents. >> jimmy: what's going on with your lips? >> i don't know what you're talking about. there is nothing going on with them. >> jimmy: george, i just wanted to quickly ask you about -- >> look at this cute baby. can i hold him for a moment? goodness, babe. >> jimmy: what are you doing? >> he is so cute. i just have to show him to a colleague of mine. >> jimmy: he is cute. for sure. hold on, george. george! >> i'll see you tomorrow. >> jimmy: did you just sell that baby to a local scumbag? >> no, what are you talking about? that's my niece, first of all, i was protecting her from being kidnapped by the chinese again. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, the nypd said nothing like that ever happened. that was not truthful. i just wanted to ask you about this resolution to expel you from the house. are you worried about that?

>> listen carefully, jimmy. i don't have time for this. this man is seriously injured. i need to take him to the hospital right away. >> jimmy: that man is not seriously injured at all. >> somebody help that man! he is going into labor. >> jimmy: i wanted to ask you about the expulsion vote. they have to get two-thirds -- >> smoke screen! see you in hell, jimmy! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. this is serious. you could be voted out of office this week. >> no, please. congress isn't even in session this week because of a jewish holiday. >> jimmy: what jewish holiday? >> it's rosh hashanukah, dummy. how dare you question my deeply held religious beliefs, and this on my bubbe's birthday. >> jimmy: oh, this is your grandmother. what is your name? >> her name is grandma. >> how you?

>> jimmy: i don't think that's your grandmother, are you stealing this woman's purse? >> how many [ bleep ] sweet 'n lows do you need in here? i just -- my campaign credit card was in here. >> jimmy: okay. you have a trial coming up for fraud on your campaign. can you comment on that? you near vows about is that. >> why would i be nervous when i'm innocent of all the crimes i've committed and also all crimes i will commit in the future. >> jimmy: why you going to the roof right now? and what is that duffel bag full of -- this looks very bad, george. >> i can't hear you over the helicopter. i'll try to tell them to turn it down. >> jimmy: yeah, it kind of seem >> i'm not fleeing. i just got to go visit my constituents up in the sky. >> jimmy: okay, all right. you know you won't get away with this, right? >> that shows how much you know. to infinity and beyond! >> jimmy: oh, all right.

amazing, completely amazing special effects. [ applause ] >> jimmy: we have a great show tonight. we have pete holmes tonight and jessie murph and jelly roll. and we'll be right back with sean "diddy" combs. >> abc's "jimmy kimmel live!" brought to you by target.

♪ >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. so tonight, he's got a new netflix stand-up comedy special called "i am not for everyone." the always-wonderful pete holmes is with us. [ cheering ] then later, one of nashville's newest stars joins the cma's most-nominated male artist of the year. their song is called "wild ones." music from jessie murph and jelly roll. [ cheering ] this week, we've got new shows guests including with mike birbiglia, john wilson, octavia spencer, marisa tomei, alex edelman, and mariah carey. music from madison beer, allison russell, and devon gilfillian. please join us for all that. our first guest tonight is a billionaire. tomorrow night if you're trick or treating at his house, do not settle for anything less than a hundred dollar bill. this is his new l.p. -- "the love album: off the grid." please welcome sean "diddy" combs. [ cheering ] ♪

♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, welcome. how you? >> what's up? [ cheering ] love to everyone. >> jimmy: you are just as diddy as ever, and you look exactly the same, always. do not age one minute. it's ridiculous. >> thank you. god is good. >> jimmy: i guess so. to you especially. oh, by the way, speaking of that, you're honored in new york. >> yes. >> jimmy: with the key to the city of new york. >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: the mayor of new york. [ cheering ] >> jimmy: now, which is great,

and i'm sure exciting. >> it was a dream come true. i'm from harlem, new york. and it's like a neighborhood in new york, like, you know harlem, of course. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> but to dream my whole life to just, you know, make something of myself, to be able to come back home and get the key to the city is one of my biggest honors. >> jimmy: and a day in your hon for that too. >> yes, diddy day. [ applause ] >> jimmy: and that, by the way, that's impressive and congratulations. a great one. what i'm wondering is why isn't your name on this? why is the mayor's name on this? and why is there no mention of you on your key to the city? >> hmmm. >> jimmy: also, how are you supposed to use this key? it's attached to the plaque here. >> let me tell you something about the key. shout out to eric adams that he actually has his name here, because this really gets you into anywhere. i actually tested it. i was walking around. >> jimmy: where did you go? >> duddy, what's up?

i got the key, let me in. i just went anywhere. all types of places. >> jimmy: could you free all the animals at the bronx view? >> everything! everything. >> jimmy: you could start the ignition on the staten island ferry around take pirate ride? >> no, but i got the key to the city in miami. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i got the key to the city in atlanta. and i never got the key for my hometown. so that's a big honor. >> jimmy: have you received the key to the city from los angeles? >> no, i haven't. >> jimmy: you should get one in every city that would be fun, huh? >> try. >> jimmy: in each town. you know, you'd start a program called diddy city, all right? if you want to be part of the diddy city program, you have to give diddy a key to your city, and you'll come there and open door. >> without a doubt. >> jimmy: is it great to be a billionaire? do you ever think about it at night? >> i think about it every day. >> jimmy: you do? [ cheering and applause ]

>> nah. you have to understand me. i'm self-made. i come from just putting two quarters together, two dollars together. i was a paper boy when i was 12. i wasn't even allowed to be a paper boy. i was running a paper boy scam, you know what i'm saying? i was delivering papers for paper boys and splitting the money with them. you know, from cleaning, bathrooms in new york during the heatwave. just things that were just, you know, really painting houses. >> jimmy: yeah. >> doing all types of things. so you work hard. you get what you deserve. and, you know, i'm blessed to have had people who have supported me. >> jimmy: who in your life, going back to your childhood, your upbringing, who would be the most surprised that you are so successful, a billionaire, you have the key to the city? is there a teacher that comes to mind? is there somebody on your block? >> mmm, i would say my first

girlfriend. >> jimmy: your first girlfriend? what was her name? >> i don't want to say. >> jimmy: you don't want to say. how old were you? >> she messed with my best friend and broke my heart. >> jimmy: oh, she did. and what is she doing now? >> i don't know what either one of them are doing. they're not doing this. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i bet chevrolets in bed at night thinking about you being a billionaire more than you lay in bed thinking it. >> i'm not going to lie, i whisper to her, remember me? >> jimmy: have you ever written a song about her? have you ever worked her into the lyrics of any of your songs? >> yeah, i think, you know, all my heart issues i work into my songs. i take pride on being vulnerable about my love life. so that's why i made an album called the love album. >> jimmy: the love album.

>> this is about my love life. >> jimmy: is this the front or this the front? which is the front? >> no, this is the front. >> jimmy: okay, this is the front. >> this is an r&b masterpiece. i wouldn't say unless it's been proven, y'all. this is an r&b masterpiece. there is not a lot of r&b. the thing about it, it's the game that goes with it. it's the love album, which you have to go off the grid. that means you have to get with your significant other and turn off your wifi, lock the door, put on a red light, put on this album, have some delly on and go with the flow. >> jimmy: okay. >> and that's the love album. >> jimmy: and that's the love album? >> yeah. it's very important. this is the greatest r&b album. justin bieber, mary ba blige, john legend. >> jimmy: a lo of people. >> a lot of people and i'm on there. make sure you check it out. >> jimmy: make love to it.

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♪ >> jimmy: we are back with sean "diddy" combs. "the love album: off the grid" is his latest. love is your legal middle name now, right? >> yes. i changed my name to sean love combs. i'm serious about love, y'all. i'm all in on love. i decided i'm just going to be love all the way. >> jimmy: oh. >> so changed my middle name to

love. so sean love combs is my legal name now on my birth certificate and driver's license. i had a baby, y'all, i just had a baby. [ cheering ] yeah. she just turned 1 years old, and i named her love. her name is love sean combs. >> jimmy: oh. >> yes. and i just released a new album and it's called beloved album. >> jimmy: so love is really, could you trademark the word love and keep it for yourself? >> i am love. and this is love. >> jimmy: i saw a guy on internet the other day. he said he used to be your security guard who said that when you were dating j. lo, will smith and jada tried to pick her up on a threesome and you were going to beat up will smith. that true? >> this show has gotten crazier since the last time i appeared. no! >> jimmy: it's all about love,

though. that's not true. >> you really heard that? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, i watched it on the internet. you're telling me i can't believe everything i read? >> what? i don't know what you're talking about. [ laughter ] >> jimmy, i thought we was friends. >> jimmy: you i also read in "the new york times" that you tried toad -- what is it, toad poison or something like that? eric andre was here last week talking than. he ingested some kind of toad poison that gave him a psychedelic experience of some kind. and you tried this as well. >> okay. >> jimmy: did this not happen? >> no. this -- i mean, listen, i'm the type of guy, i'll try anything once with an ambulance outside. >> jimmy: oh, is that true? did you really have an ambulance? >> i had an ambulance outside. and i went through the best process. i would not advise this. don't do this, because most of y'all can't handle this.

so, but i had an experience. i had heard like mike tyson and joe rogan talking about it. you to be this the wave of just into looking for what's past here sometimes to be into psychedelics. it's something that i wouldn't recommend unless you know what i'm saying, you was using my man. i'll give you my man's number after. >> jimmy: you have a good toad guy? a great toad guy? >> i don't know -- i would not advise it to anybody. but i can speak on my experiences. i took the chance. >> jimmy: and was it a positive experience? >> i can't tell you about it. >> jimmy: you can't tell me? >> that's the rules. >> jimmy: oh, is that right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: eric told me all about it. [ laughter ] >> he broke the rules. >> jimmy: he broke the rules? that's terrible. i imagine mike tyson eating the toad by accident. it was delicious. >> also, eric didn't see what i saw. >> jimmy: well, eric said i think he entered through the

anus of the milky way. >> oh. >> jimmy: and he said he had thanksgiving dinner with god. is that what you saw? >> i didn't see that. >> jimmy: you didn't see that. is it true that you had a dream about god that moved you to record this album? >> no, no, no. i'm in constant conversation with god. i mean, try my best to be. and i believe god is a woman. and so when i was asked -- i haven't done music for 13 years. so this is my first album in 13 years. my 30th year in music. and i had -- i got away from music. and god one day told me, she was like "it's time." >> jimmy: god talks like michael jackson? >> let me see. yeah, a little bit. >> jimmy: little bit. >> and so that's what got me back into making music.

a lot of times you have to get pack to what you love. i love making music. that's the number one thing i love the most. >> jimmy: i'm surprised that it's been so long. and do you love still going up on stage and performing? >> yes, i love that. >> jimmy: and the crowd, and feeling that. >> i love entertaining people. i love watching people have a good time. you know what i'm saying? i don't like the concerts where everybody has a camera up. >> jimmy: yeah, well that's all of them now. >> at my concerts you dance all night. you can't even get to your phone. you so much into. >> jimmy: there is so much love going on. [ cheering ] you have it all figured out. you really. do you have a key to the city. you're licking toads. and patiently you survived it. did you have to use the ambulance? or was it just there in case. >> didn't have to use the ambulance. >> jimmy: any elderly people in the neighborhood perish as a result of you having the ambulance on call outside the house? >> no. >> jimmy: great. all right. great.

what you going to dress as for tomorrow for halloween? i know you have great costumes. >> oh, last year i was the joker, and i actually got a letter from the studio that i can no long better the joker. >> jimmy: why? >> it was copied. they said it broke their trademark. >> jimmy: what? >> that i did it too good. i swear i had this letter. i swear. >> jimmy: from who? >> from warner brothers. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. >> jimmy: well, then do it again, then! do it again! [ cheering and applause ] >> so tomorrow. >> jimmy: yes? >> warner brothers lawyers, can you see me? put the camera on right here, the head of legal. tomorrow, watch what i do. [ cheering ] >> jimmy: diddy, everybody. "the love album: off the grid" is out now. we'll be back with pete holmes. [ cheering and applause ] we'll be back with pete holmes. [ cheering and applause ] ♪ i told myself i was ok with my moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis symptoms. with my psoriatic arthritis symptoms.

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>> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. music from jessie murph and jelly roll is on the way. our next guest is a very funny man with a very funny new stand-up comedy special "i am not for everyone" is on netflix now. please say hello to pete holmes. [ cheering and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome, pete. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: have you worked with diddy before? >> oh, yeah. a lot of diddy work. that's not true. you know who i run into a lot is snoop dogg. >> jimmy: oh, you do? >> it's not the same, but it's similar. i asked snoop dogg 100% real to give me a nickname on the spot, and he gave me one. he said all whitey then. >> jimmy: did he really?

>> excellent. he was right in the middle of a celebrity basketball game. >> jimmy: that's great. >> it didn't stick. >> jimmy: it didn't? >> well, maybe now you'll get it going. >> national las vegas. >> jimmy: what about halloween? do you celebrate? do you like it? what are you going? >> first of all, this is nice. it's my mom's birthday. >> jimmy: oh, happy birthday. chier cheer. >> happy mom, happy birthday. are any of these cameras on? >> jimmy: no. but it's funny, because i thought you were looking around like she was here. it's mom's birthday. where is she? >> she might be. there is a man waving. that could be her. that's a very good deep fixer. no, my mom will be thrilled. my daughter andri going to be ninja turtles. it's going to be very exciting. >> jimmy: you are? >> yeah. she is going to be donatello. i'll be rafael because have i the most tude. i find new ways to party was i don't drink anymore. when you're 4 and dad and a husband, you find new ways to drink without drinking.

does that make sense? >> jimmy: what do you mean about that? >> i go to bed without brushing my teeth. you know, it's a very similar energy to drinking. you slide into bed with a stinky little secret. and it scratches the same itch. your head hits the pillow and you're yeah, no one tells me what to do. i'm the king of the castle. and i put q-tips deep in my ear. >> jimmy: oh. do you guys put q-tips in your ear? >> jimmy: now you're speaking my language. i love them. >> it's the best. >> jimmy: it's the greatest pleasure a human can experience. >> it costs what, one cent and it's pure joy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you can do it every day. it's amazing. but the reason i ask, have you seen what these lying sacks of [ bleep ] at the q-tip operation say? a q-tip is intended for? have you look at the back of the box? >> jimmy: i have, yeah. >> first aid, baby and beauty. does anyone know the third one?

keyboards. cleaning key -- what kind o gaslighting bull [ bleep ] is this? you think -- you think you have a multibillion keyboard cleaning company? they know what we're doing. you know they have their quarterly meetings and they're another profitable year of keeping keyboards clean. and they close the blinds. now for the devil's business. they stake 'stick it in deep and they hit that ear g spot we all have. you know what i'm talking about where your leg starts to go like a dog. but some dingdong in the 70s went too deep, touched his brain. now he eats fear and smells color. they can't put that on the box. but they know! keyboards. no, no. >> jimmy: oh my god. >> not done. keyboards? that's like mcdonald's being like you've been eating it? those aren't cheese burgers.

those are small wet pillows for dogs. if you're stupid enough to eat a small wet pillow for a dog what's what happened to your body is on you. >> jimmy: your real wink on that q-tip box that the lawyers concocted, isn't it? >> it's nonsense and here we are for all the people cleaning their ears watching their favorite show, you're not alone. >> jimmy: you're going to be such a good old man. you're ready for it. >> my whole life. i was like 80 when i was 8. >> jimmy: do you feel that way? >> i do. and i love it. >> jimmy: did your parents feel like that? you were an unusually mature child? >> i wouldn't say that. o. >> jimmy: no? >> i feel more comfortable this age. things are different. now that i'm 40, there are some things that i missing being younger. like five, six times a day, in fact, it just happened in the green room. i don't know if anyone will relate. but i'll eat something, and i just don't -- i don't have enough saliva to get it down. like it just stops here. that never happened. in my 20s, i was like a water

slide. coy eat a ball of sandpaper. it would go down, no problem. this just happened with a pringle. it lodges so six times a day i think i'm going to die. and based on how i react, jimmy, i am not going to have a chill death. >> jimmy: really? negative. i . >> no. i'm i'm not going to be chill. some people do. it's been my privilege to love you and they dissolve away. i'm going to be aghhh! it should be you! they're going to ask the nurse, what was his last words. well, he screamed "it should be you" and he pointed at his wife. so that's his legacy. >> jimmy: how old is your daughter now? >> she is 5. >> jimmy: she is 5 years old. >> she is 5. >> jimmy: okay. all right. >> she is amazing. in fact, that choking thing once happened. i was following her into a corn maze. >> jimmy: what? >> who would make this up? i was following her into a corn

maze raising money for a girl scouts. i followed her. i took a bite out of a roll, which was a risky matter for me seeing i didn't have a gallon of water. i chewed it. it wasn't 100% liquid. still in the danger zone for old petey. it lodged and i think i'm going to die in a corn maze. and i became like the blond woman in the matrix, not like this, not like this. i can't die in a corn maze, jimmy! that's what i'm saying. >> jimmy: somebody had to come and give you water like this? >> yes, the paramedics would have to enter, follow one wall, looking for me, passing a minotaur, answering riddles. i'm dead. >> jimmy: your wife is such a lucky woman. so blessed. your wife valerie, you had your wedding anniversary. >> it was. it was our wedding anniversary this past weekend. >> jimmy: how many years? >> six years thank you. >> jimmy: you guys got marry and right to work.

>> we did. a year later we had our baby. on our anniversary, this is to tell you that she is a good woman, not that i'm a bad husband. but on our anniversary, i was in bloomington, indiana telling wiener jokes. >> jimmy: oh, you were. >> and she didn't mind. she knows the deal. >> jimmy: that was fine? >> that was fine. we're going on a little trip tomorrow. we'll make up for it. >> jimmy: where are you going? >> mexico. you like mexico? >> jimmy: yeah, mexico is great. don't eat anything or you might die. >> is that true? >> jimmy: well, for you it is. i mean, not in general. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: where did you guys meet? how did it happen? >> my wife and i met at cobb's comedy club, you're seeing a trend, in san francisco. she waited in line. when i tell this story, i go i can't say it was love at first sight. but as the years passed, yes, yes, it was. in this blue polka dotted dress, and oh my god, and we hung out and stayed in touch and started

meeting in san francisco. then we started meeting in l.a. and then we moved in together. we went from long distance to moving in together. >> jimmy: yeah. >> which that doesn't. >> jimmy: typically work out. no, no. it also sometimes will indicate a sense of desperation. >> which is my krasinski [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's jack ryan you're talk about. >> that's right. that's true. it's not like buff krasinski. >> jimmy: well your netflix special is great. everyone should see it. it's called "i am not for everyone." i don't think that's true. i think you. >> i appreciate that. >> jimmy: pete holmes, everybody. [ cheering and applause ] >> jimmy: we'll be back with jessie murph and jelly roll. ♪ this week on "jimmy kimmel live!" marisa tomei, octavia spencer and mariah carey, plus

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>> jimmy: and now, here with the song "wild ones," jessie murph and jelly roll! [ cheering and applause ] ♪ ♪ yeah yeah got me wide wide open got a forty-five on him ♪ ♪ and he pushing 'bout a hundred-and-two always smokin' somethin' ♪ ♪ he ain't worried 'bout nothin' 'cause he ain't got nothing to lose ♪ ♪ i got a thing for

the hard liquor on ice short days and long nights marlboros out the window ♪ ♪ middle finger to the sky say you wanna get dangerous now you're speaking my language ♪ ♪ i forgot what your name is so i'ma call you mine i'ma call you mine ♪ ♪ got me wide wide open got a forty-five on him and he pushing 'bout a hundred-and-two ♪ ♪ always smokin' somethin' he ain't worried 'bout nothin' ♪ ♪ 'cause he ain't got nothing to lose ♪ ♪ i got a thing for the wild ones i got a thing for the wild ones ♪ i got a thing for the wild ones ♪ ♪ they like me too ♪ ♪ i'm attracted to things really crazy, coming from mind, no

stealing base s ♪ no back-and-forth bargaining no bitchin' and arguing a whole lotta problems ♪ and bunnie's my harley quinn was raised in the darkness ♪ ♪ forgive me i'm guarded i have no shame i'm in love with the heartless ♪ ♪ the police will never take us alive and cowgirls don't cry ♪ ♪ got me wide wide open got a forty-five on him and he pushing 'bout a hundred-and-two ♪ ♪ always smokin' somethin' he ain't worried 'bout nothin' ♪ ♪ 'cause he ain't got nothing to lose ♪ ♪ i got a thing for the wild ones i got a thing for the wild ones ♪ ♪ just like you ♪ ♪ i got a thing for the wild ones i got a thing for the wild ones ♪ ♪ they like you too ♪ ♪ they want the l-o-v-e i'm like damn that's fine with me ♪ ♪ i'ma ride all night till the sun come up i'ma leave that tank on e ♪ ♪ it don't matter where i go i'ma end up on that road i'ma do my thing ♪ ♪ yeah wild and free it's the only life i know ♪

♪ i like the way it feels when i can't let go when i like the way it feels when i loose control ♪ ♪ got me wide wide open got a forty-five on him and he pushing 'bout a hundred-and-two ♪ ♪ always smokin' somethin' he ain't worried 'bout nothin' ♪ ♪ 'cause he ain't got nothing to lose ♪ ♪ i got a thing for the wild ones i got a thing for the wild ones ♪ ♪ just like you ♪ ♪ the wild ones, they like you too ♪ ♪ i got a thing for the wild ones i got a thing for the wild ones, i got a thing for the wild ones ♪ ♪ they like you too ♪

[ cheering and applause ]

>> jimmy: thanks to sean "diddy" combs, pete holmes, jessie murph, jelly roll, and nelson franklin. apologies to matt damon.

ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. thank you for watching, goodnight. ♪ tonight, remembering matthew perry, the friend we all loved. delighting generations for fans as chandler bing on the iconic series "friends." >> i'm chandler. i make jokes when i'm uncomfortable. >> what we're learning about his sudden and tragic death. >> requesting two additional units and a supervisor respond to sail drive. >> how he wanted to be remembered for helping others battling addiction. >> when i die, i don't want "friends" to be the first thing that's mentioned. i want that to be the first thing that's