night. >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- john david washington, don johnson, and music from mxmtoon. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us here -- relax -- from our post-election headquarters in hollywood, where the race may be over but we are still processing the results, mentally, at least. this is interesting. now that the election went the way it did, all the geniuses are writing long diatribes about what went wrong, groups did wrong. turns out, kamala harris - would have won this thing - if she'd sent one more fundraising text. [ laughter ] they were one short. the crazy thing is, there are still two months before our long national nightmare even begins. it's like we're standing in the

middle of the road waiting for a bus to hit us - but it's still 40 miles away. [ laughter ] and as if we don't have enough to worry about -- >> some breaking news tonight. 40 monkeys are on the loose. they escaped from the alpha jenna sister facility located on castle hall road. >> jimmy: one day! [ laughter ] he's been the president-elect for one day, already there are monkeys on the loose! [ cheers and applause ] not just on the loose. from the alpha genesis facility which sounds exactly what an evil laboratory that unleashes an army of monkeys on a town would be named. apparently this company provides "nonhuman primate products and bio-research services." it's literally a monkey business. [ laughter ] and authorities in south carolina are warning residents to beware. >> going to give you a picture, an idea of what the monkeys look like. police are urging people to keep their doors and their windows secured, locked, to prevent these animals from entering

their homes. do not approach or try to interact with them. call 911 immediately. traps have been set up around the area, and the police department is currently on-site using thermal imaging cameras to try and locate these animals. >> jimmy: wow. thank goodness for that picture, otherwise, how would we know which -- [ laughter ] -- rampaging monkeys are the ones they're looking for? the local news said it does not know which trials the escaped animals were taking part in, or if they'd been exposed to diseases. so if one of these monkeys does make it into your house - do not have sex with it. [ laughter ] why not turn the world over to the planet of the apes? we're very anxious right now. according to google, searches for "moving to [ cheers and applause ] -- skyrocketed during the leak. searches were up by 5,000%. now it's just melania doing it. [ laughter ] moving to canada after an

election we don't like is one of those things americans are always saying we're going to do but never actually go through with it. like when you tell the vet you're going to brush the dog's teeth. [ laughter ] and it's not just canada. searches for "moving to mexico" also spiked as the results started coming in. probably from canadians looking to get away from all the americans -- [ laughter ] -- who are planning to move to canada. listen, here's the thing. if you're a democrat and you're that upset about the election, don't move to canada. move to florida. move to pennsylvania. where they need your vote. [ cheers and applause ] or another idea, state stay right where you are and calm down. you know what you do? get yourself one of these. [ laughter ] one of the signs that says live, that's easy. laugh. when appropriate, don't be weird. [ laughter ] and love. and that's all you need. it's all right here on these three pieces of beach wood attached to a rope. it just goes to show you, when times get tough, you can always count on tj maxx. [ cheers and applause ]

last night, i shared some of my thoughts and feel actions about what happened and how much i'm going to miss democracy and whatnot. and i heard from a lot of people about it. but none more prominent than the richest man in the world. elon musk, who this morning tweeted, kimmel is an insufferable nonsense propaganda puppet. which at least my children like me, you know? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the guy who paid people a million dollars a day to vote for donald trump is calling me a propaganda puppet? [ laughter ] listen, kermit. you bought twitter. you bought a social media platform that is literally a propaganda machine. let me tell you something. if i spent two weeks trying to come up with a four-word description of elon musk, i don't think i could do better than "insufferable nonsense propaganda pickup set." [ cheers and applause ] this guy, "the new york times" is propaganda, "the washington

post" is propaganda, the "atlantic" is propaganda. everything is prop grand ga to leechction. what sucks por me is the last six months, i've been working on a project, and i was hoping to announce it in january when trump takes office. but since the cat is now out of the bag, well, here it is, my new show. ♪ insufferable nonsense propaganda puppet ♪ >> jimmy: now the surprise is ruined thanks to elon musk. it's so embarrassing. hey, let me read you what your buddy donald trump said about you before you gave him $100 million. "when elon musk came to the white house asking me for help on all his many subsidized projects, whether it's electric cars that don't drive long enough, driverless cars that crash, or rocket ships to nowhere, telling me how he was a big trump fan and republican, i could have said, drop to your knees and beg and he would have done it." and you know what he means by beg. i'm sure you guys would be great

together, i'm sure his little hand will fit nicely in your -- [ cheers and applause ] at the white house today, president biden delivered his after the final rose garden speech. he addressed the media around 11:00 a.m. he only spoke for a few minutes. didn't want to miss the showcase showdown on "the price is right." [ laughter ] while many expected a speech about the peaceful transfer of power and moving on, old joe had another idea. he had a major announcement up his sleeve. >> i'm staying in the race! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who's going to tell him? the president gave a gracious speech. he told the nation, you can't love your country only when you win. which got a huge laugh in the lunchroom at mar-a-lago. [ laughter ] biden also had words of praise for paul ryan harris. >> she's been a partner and a public servant. she ran an inspiring campaign, and everyone got to see something that i learned early on and respect so much.

her character. she has a bam bone like a ramrod. she has great character. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's right, she's got a sternum like a shingle-banger. [ laughter ] i think that might be the first time anyone has used the word "ramrod" in about 50 years. [ laughter ] biden and trump are planning to have lunch together soon. the last time trump saw biden i think was at the debate. the last time most of us saw biden was at the debate. [ laughter ] biden is in a powerful position right now. thanks to trump's buddies on the supreme court, the president has immunity from prosecution for official acts. i say take that sucker for a ride. [ laughter ] i would confiscate clarence thomas' rv and go on a little potus immunity road trip, if you know what i mean. [ cheers and applause ] the other good news for trump is trump might not even have to pardon himself. the department of justice is said to be winding down the multiple criminal cases they have against him because of the longstanding policy that says a sitting president can't be prosecuted.

but don't worry, james comer, the chairman of the house oversight committee, is still on the important case of hunter biden. >> you're going to pursue more charges against hunter biden? >> we're going to see what the new trump department of justice wants to do. i fully expect joe biden to pardon his son. i think the most important thing for me, honestly, that is we hold people in the government accountable. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: with one notable exception. [ laughter ] poor hunter biden. is he in government? the saddest part is, his father isn't going to give him a pardon. if i were hunter biden, i'd start calling trump daddy to see if it sticks. the one going around now is that because trump won in 2024 means the election was rigged in 2020. they're claiming that the fact that turnout was lower this time is proof that biden cheated the last time. when the truth is all it professionals is how bored we were in 2020. [ laughter ] it was either voting that day or

going to another drive-by birthday party. [ laughter ] i have to say, i'm kind of jealous of these people. i feel like it would be fun to believe everything like ufos and 5g chem trails, aliens built the pyramids, the illuminati, pizzagate. it's like living inside a wild south korean netflix show or something. the real loser in all of this, besides everybody, is the mypillow man, mike lindell. because for years now, mike has been railing against and spending millions of dollars fighting early voting and mail-in ballots. all of which turned out to actually help trump this time around. so now he's in what they call a bit of a pickle. >> you hated early voting, really weren't crazy about it. clearly it worked to our advantage this time, sir. >> absolutely. this was a time in history where it did work, and it's only going to work once. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: right, that's right. like a condom. [ laughter ] or the match you used to light your crack pipe.

one time. poor mike. this is a disaster for mike. he doesn't have anything to scream about into those pillows anymore. trump versus harris wasn't the only item on the ballot. americans voted on a number of propositions and ballot measures. everything from law enforcement to legalized cannabis. in california, we actually ran out of stuff to legalize. [ laughter ] so we made gay marriage mandatory for all men with a moustache. [ laughter ] folks in maryland, montana, nevada, and new york, and colorado too all passed measures to protect abortion rights. voters in florida rejected propositions that would protect a woman's right to choose, and even rejected marijuana for recreational -- i didn't realize pot was against the law. i didn't know florida had laws in the first place. [ laughter ] but if you have trouble getting drugs in florida, you need a faster atv. [ laughter ] there are so many shenanigans happening in the sunshine state on a daily basis, and dare i say no one keeps track of them

better than we do. that said, we give you "this week in florida." >> right now the sheriff in jacksonville is on the defensive after video on social media shows his officers getting very rough with some fans at the georgia/florida football game. the sheriff says six officers were hurt during a game and a horse was punched in the head. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, you know what, if you're a horse, you don't want to get punched in the head, what are you doing in florida? [ laughter ] in international news, you remember that breakdancer from australia raybegun? there was news raygun has decided to retire. [ laughter ] can you retire from something you never actually learned to do? this is like you retiring from the nba. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: here she is in all her glory competing at the summer games. shortly after the performance the international olympic committee eliminated breakdancing from olympic competition. [ laughter ] a lot of people felt raygun made

a mockery of breakdancing, but i disagree. to me, she proves anyone who sets their mind to it can become an olympic athlete, even if they are not at all at their sport. [ laughter ] and the great news is she's not retiring. she's just taking a break from dancing. >> raygun not retiring? >> raygun's not retiring. but i think -- i mean, because it's different in breaking culture, i'm still going to dance, i'm still going to go to community jams, i'm still probably going to get down and dance. >> jimmy: she's going to go to community jams and get down and dance. [ laughter ] that's my plan for the next six months. [ laughter ] i'm glad to hear she's staying. we can't lose democracy and raygun in the same week. [ cheers and applause ] go get her, "dancing with the stars." one thing before we move on to our guests, to commemorate the end what was felt like an endless process, it is time now to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the campaign in a special election edition of "unnecessary censorship."

>> we just left new hampshire. we had 14 people in this race. i [ bleep ]ed the fellows one at a time. >> it should come as no surprise that i will not be [ bleep ]ing donald trump this year. >> you ever [ bleep ] your brother? answer the question. >> you want to know? >> i want to know. >> this is the kind of guys you like to [ bleep ] in the [ bleep ]. >> amalia, we're going to [ bleep ]. >> we knew vice president harris grew up in a middle class family, picked up [ bleep ] at mcdonald's. >> i have a [ bleep ]. i've had it for quite some time. >> well, that's a really big [ bleep ]. it's ten times the size of your mouth. how are you going to probably [ bleep ] the whole thing? >> this weird obsession with [ bleep ] sizes. >> phone numbers, i'd call them back. "mr. president, thank you. i couldn't get married, my [ bleep ] was so large." >> would you like for me to [ bleep ] your daughter?

>> we live in an area, an area dominated by social media, when all that matters is a ten-second [ bleep ] job. >> here's the thing. we like our [ bleep ]. [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> now look, i love [ bleep ]. >> let's bring in cnn's daniel dale, our resident [ bleep ], [ bleep ]er who can lay on facts here, some [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> in springfield, they're [ bleep ]ing the dogs. the people that came in, they're [ bleep ]ing the cats. >> he's going to tell them [ bleep ] he's currently [ bleep ]ing might be one of those black [ bleep ]s. >> good afternoon, denver! [ bleep ] you too! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight, don johnson is here. music from mxm toon.

be back with john david washington.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight, he is a legend of television and film. his new show "doctor odyssey" airs right here on abc. don johnson is with us. [ cheers and applause ] later, from the city of on the job land, her album, space," came out last week. mxmtoon from the snapdragon stage. next week, we've got new shows with top notch guests including kerry washington, jeff bridges, wanda sykes, mikey madison, ben falcone, jimmy o. yang and ted danson - with music from blxst,

anderson paak the red clay strays, mark amber and the one, the only sting will be with us too. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is an actor with enough talent for all three of his names. he stars alongside samuel l. jackson in a movie directed by his brother - it's called "the piano lesson." >> selling the land, say he want to sell it to me. that's why i come up here. now, i got one part. i say i didn't want it, give me another part. then i had a third part. >> buddy ain't gonna say all that. >> i'm going to talk to her. she'll come around. >> you get that thought out of your mind. bernese ain't going to sell that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "the piano lesson" opens in theaters tomorrow and on netflix november 2nd. please welcome john david washington. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> yes, yes, yes. >> jimmy: it's good to see you. the last time you were here, i remember this, it was a bit ago. samuel l. jackson, who's your costar, was the guest host of the show. >> yes. >> jimmy: so he interviewed you. >> yes, he did. >> jimmy: he's a friend of your dad's, denzel, your dad, for those who don't know. how long have you known sam, uncle sam? >> mr. jackson, my whole life. since birth. >> jimmy: since birth. is he the one who taught you to say mother f'er? [ laughter ] >> well, if he did, i failed miserably, because i can't do it like he does. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no one can do it like he does. >> for real, for my mom, i don't ever say that word. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you and sam did "the piano lesson" on broadway together as a play before you made it into a film? >> yes. >> jimmy: which had to be fun because you spent a lot of time together? >> yes. >> jimmy: when you spend time with one of your dad's friends,

do you learn things about your dad that you didn't know? >> yeah. i'm not going to share with you guys. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no. >> i would never, but yeah. a lot of things. yeah, he talked a little bit about how they came up on broadway, off broadway, what it was like doing plays back then. >> jimmy: is he less intimidating when you know him personally so well? or does that make it more difficult in a way? >> he's less intimidating when i grilled for him and he liked my food. that was great. it got really intimidating because the role i'm playing here originated in 1987. >> jimmy: he played the young man? oh, wow. >> yeah, he originated the role. lloyd richards and the great august wilson at yale. he created the role first. here i am doing the role he created. >> that's interesting. did he want you to do it the way he did it? >> he was instructed by latonya jackson, our director of the play, not to. he was very encouraging. even if he did, i'm not a

snitch. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i see. >> i would never say. >> jimmy: latonya did feel the need to tell him in advance, don't tell him to do it the way you did it? >> yes, that's true. >> jimmy: that's very interesting. and then the great thing about taking a play that you've tonight after night after night and making it into a film is you don't have to learn the lines at all, right? >> what? what do you mean? >> jimmy: i mean you know them. >> ideally, you'd think that's the case. i almost had to -- i had to relearn the play for the movie. you know, there was so many changes that were made. >> jimmy: oh, oh. >> it changed a lot. >> jimmy: that in a way might make it harder? >> i think -- for me, it did. can't speak for everybody. >> jimmy: interesting. so then if your parents come to see you perform? >> the play? yes. yeah, my mom, she showed up maybe 40 times. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: for real? >> like, for real. i might be shortchanging her. she showed up. she showed up a lot, you know. notes afterwards. breaking down what i did, what i didn't do. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she did? >> yeah, she's tough, she's

tough. she would sit in the audience and just try to hear people's feedback. she might start the conversation, "how was that boy willie, what did you think?" getting information. >> jimmy: could you see her in the audience? >> no, no. i wouldn't look for her, either. [ laughter ] no, uh-uh. no, no, no, no. >> jimmy: she went so many times, she could have been your understudy at the play. >> she got me ready for the play. like, we'd run lines getting ready for it. so i celebrated my birthday and studied for the character in north carolina because we got southern. we got family out there. we had a celebratory night, we'll say. a lot of toasting. i'll say i was drunk. [ laughter ] the next day, though, she got me up early. like sunrise. like a jedi. "if you can do august wilson hung over, you're ready." she'd read lines and i'm hung over, doing august wilson monologues. it was crazy. >> jimmy: do you think there's going to be any end to this? or is she going to do this for the rest of your career? >> this is life, this is for life. that's my girl.

no, i trust her. i show her all the scripts i do. >> jimmy: oprah came to the first opening night? >> yes. let me tell you real quick. sam -- before we go on, we say a prayer. then we break and go out there. he's like, "oprah's out there tonight." "what? why would you tell me that before?" get so nervous. >> jimmy: i wanted to bring up magic johnson. i know he came. i know that was not the first time you met magic. >> i got the same tithe teeth right now. [ laughter ] oh, my god. >> jimmy: very cute. [ applause ] did you -- was it just a photo thing? or did you get any actual instruction from magic? >> i -- he said -- [ laughter ] he said -- i can't -- i can't unsee it now. >> jimmy: you have good teeth. >> not the zoom. >> jimmy: there's nothing to be embarrassed about. >> for my -- what i remember, he was very nice. he was there, he was around. he'd show up for the kids. >> jimmy: was your mom there too? >> she wasn't there.

>> jimmy: was she like, mom right here going, "hide those teeth." >> right, right. see, now you -- no, she went there. >> jimmy: all right. we're going to take a break, come back and chat a little more about the film. john david washington is with us. [ cheers and applause ] >> lou: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by menage a trois. - i got you something. - we said no gifts! we had to get you something. [paper crumpling] - thank you honey - i got you this. did you do this yourself? yeahhh, i had a great teacher. happy birthday! [typing on iphone keyboard] - love you. - love you, too. love you. thank you, sweetie. this is from me. - oh? - to you. ♪ ten little toes ♪ ♪ she has his nose ♪ ♪ i am genius (whoaaa) ♪ can your pad absorb everything and stay fresh?

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[ cheers and applause ]

♪ >> jimmy: we are back with john david washington. "the piano lesson." we talked about your mom, we talked about your dad. your brother directed the movie. >> malcolm washington, directorial debut. >> jimmy: did you fight on the set? >> no, just on this tour. [ laughter ] i'm kidding. no, i didn't look at him as a brother. it was a director i really wanted to work with. i admire his work. >> jimmy: you never had a moment, all right, you're my brother, i've seen in your underpants a million times? >> wow. there was a moment where he kept having me do these stunts. i'm getting thrown around by a ghost. all right, this isn't art anymore, this is about when he was 7, i think. >> jimmy: retribution. >> i think so. >> jimmy: there's a ghost. >> i think we need one more. i was like, what? >> jimmy: do you believe in ghosts? >> hell, ya. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you do? >> i'm a grown man. on halloween, i sleep with a night light on. just on halloween. i'm serious. >> jimmy: for real? >> yeah, i was in savannah -- i just wa there, but i was there

first in 2018. and -- i forget the hotel. when i turned the lights off, i definitely felt a presence? you did? >> i felt something, yeah, it was crazy. >> jimmy: you sure it wasn't your mom? [ laughter ] she seems to be around a lot. >> that was good. >> jimmy: is the family getting together for thanksgiving? >> yeah, man. yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: you said you grilled for sam. do you cook on thanksgiving? >> nah, i leave it all to my mother. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> there's a strict menu. she needs to know how many people will be there. she needs to know head counts. there's a whole thing. >> jimmy: yeah, sure. >> candied yams, collared greens, cornbread, mac and cheese, honeybaked ham, turkey, we got it all. what else? we got cornbread and her sweet tea from north carolina. north carolina recipe. [ cheers and applause ] north carolinaens, right on, yeah. we going to see a movie usually. we saw "napoleon" last year.

we seen "creed." >> jimmy: you go out? >> the next day. >> jimmy: you see your dad's movie. >> absolutely, we might, actually. we might do that. >> jimmy: would that be strange? >> no. >> jimmy: would your dad ever take you to miss movies? >> i don't know if he -- not that i remember. >> jimmy: maybe go see "moana 2" instead. [ laughter ] the whole family at "moana." your dad is here i think the week after next. is there anything you want to share that maybe he wouldn't want you to share? [ laughter ] >> trying to get me in trouble. thanksgiving's around the corner. i don't need any controversy in my life. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, all right, i respect that. >> thank you. >> jimmy: pass me a little note on the way out. >> gotcha, when the cameras are off. >> jimmy: john david washington, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "the piano teacher" theaters. we'll be back with don johnson. e ulcerative colitis or crohn's disease after a tnf blocker like humira or remicade?

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. music from mxmtoon is on the way. our next guest is as cool as they come on land or sea. he is captain of a cruise ship on the new series "doctor odyssey." >> see you. >> you too, welcome.

>> this is adrie, nurse practitioner. you must be the famous brian. >> almost famous. >> brave man. it's a hell of a job, taking care of this one. >> and a thankless one, but somebody's got to do it. >> better you than me. >> i'm honored to meet my brother's better half. >> and clearly his better-looking half. >> ha, well. not quite half. >> hello, boys. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: watch "doctor odyssey" thursday nights at 9:00 on abc and the next day on hulu. please welcome don johnson! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: what a good-looking man you are. >> god bless you. if you're asking me on a date, i accept. >> jimmy: you, me, stamos -- wait a menage a trois there.

>> replicate the show. >> jimmy: i was learning things today. i learned that you and john david's dad, denzel, are golf buddies, right? >> well -- i don't remember playing golf. >> jimmy: oh, really? okay. >> it could happen. [ laughter ] we're friendly. we're friends. >> jimmy: ah, interesting. >> and he's amazing. >> jimmy: yeah, he's -- yeah. he's somebody that you -- so this is not like a situation where you've known him since he was a little kid or anything like that? >> who, john david? no, no. i would have ratted him out, otherwise. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is it true -- i've read on a number of occasions that denzel washington auditioned to play tubbs on "miami vice"? >> if i say yes, is that a better answer? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: 100%. >> i don't know that to be the case, but it very well could be. >> jimmy: okay, all right. >> so these are sort of maybe answers. >> jimmy: is there anyone like who did not get that role that comes to mind for you? >> i did audition with andy gar sia. >> jimmy: really?

wow. >> in miami. and it was in this little video studio in coconut grove or something like that. and andy came in. to this day, you know, we did "book club" together. >> jimmy: yeah. >> andy's got the funniest line. when i went to rome to do the recent installment of "book club" with jane fonda and diane keaton and -- murphy brown, help me out here -- >> jimmy: oh, yes -- >> candaice bergen. only known her for 40 years. anyway. i show up in rome and walk out onto the deck where everybody's gathered. andy goes, "we're still on the menu." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know if you're aware of this. your daughter, dakota, lives next door to me. >> yes, i'm aware of that. [ laughter ] it's terrible. >> jimmy: what was dakota like growing up? >> dakota was -- she was a very eventful child. [ laughter ]

she -- if i would leave my phone laying around anywhere, just kind of unattended, she would get on the phone and somehow get into my contacts and send obscene messages to random people. [ laughter ] and i would -- oh, and also, the other thing is you wanted to be very mindful about leaving blank sheets of paper laying around on your desk or stuff like that, because she would promptly draw a large penis on it. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i did that did my dad, too. >> that's why you're neighbors. >> jimmy: my son is doing it to me. that's the community we moved into. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> jimmy: so she told us that, growing up, your neighbor was hunter s. thompson, the writer. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: and i wonder what -- first of all, what it was like to be hunter thompson's neighbor. because of those who know who hunter thompson is, i think would find that to be exciting and potentially disturbing. >> well, we were just out of mortar range.

>> jimmy: good. >> so that's always good when hunter's involved. yes, hunter -- hunter was my best friend for, like, 25 years. >> jimmy: wow. >> and he would -- if i had a sick animal or anything like that, he'd come over and sleep in the stall with the animal. yeah, he was -- he was an amazing fellow. and he -- like dakota, he would always pull pranks and stuff. >> jimmy: johnny depp told us that he was -- i don't remember the story exactly. maybe you could fill us in. there's some situation where they called you over to the house? >> no, no, no, no. i called over to hunter's. >> jimmy: okay. >> to see if he had any weed. of course he had. [ laughter ] i think a ton. out back. so i said, "listen, i'm going to come over and get some weed because i've got a little group of people here." and so he said, "yeah, sure, come over." so -- i didn't go. i sent my assistant over. who drives up into hunter's driveway, and johnny depp and

hunter were hiding behind hunter's car with shotguns loaded with blanks. and my assistant got out of the car, and they both jumped out, "die, mother --" and blasted. and my assistant, god bless him, he peed his pants. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did he really? >> oh, yeah. wouldn't you? >> jimmy: yes. at least. that's the least thing i would do in my pants. [ laughter ] oh, my god. is that assistant still with you? >> oh no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that assistant still with us? [ laughter ] >> i think he's still with us. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm not sure in what kind of mental condition. >> jimmy: wow. this show, "doctor odyssey," is very popular. i'm sure you're hearing about this all the time. you play the captain. >> i am. >> jimmy: on the ship. is it fun to be even a pretend captain? >> um -- sure. >> jimmy: you're wearing the outfit. you've got the whole -- >> people do what i say. >> jimmy: right. >> crazy. >> jimmy: captains do have a lot of authority.

like, captains can arrest people. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: captains can perform marriages. >> yeah. >> jimmy: legal ceremonies. >> uh-huh. and we don't -- i -- so far, i haven't gotten off the ship. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. so i think -- >> jimmy: all your scenes are on the ship? >> yeah, i think the captain goes down with the ship. not on the ship. >> jimmy: right, yeah. [ laughter ] wait. are you guys on a ship? like actual -- an actual ship? >> paramount is our ship. >> jimmy: i see. so it's a big studio. >> the entire studio of paramount. >> jimmy: and it's made to look like -- it looks like a ship. >> oh, yeah, we're good at it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so then -- >> we have another set that's the leisure deck set that's north of l.a. about 250 miles, it seems like. >> jimmy: would it be easier to just be on a ship? >> until you had to reposition it, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, i guess that's -- >> it's half a day. "let's move this down here, turn

it around." >> jimmy: if i could get the conversation back to penises for a second -- [ laughter ] >> i'm always available. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: in the pilot episode of the show, there was a broken -- one of the passengers had a broken penis. there was an operation. >> yes. >> jimmy: then in tonight's show, somebody's penis got stuck in somebody else. >> i was not in that scene. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you were not in that scene. >> i know nothing about it. >> jimmy: can we look forward to more penises as the season progresses? [ laughter ] is this something that -- >> well, well -- i'm not allowed to divulge any future episodes. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> you know. you got to -- if it's playing, you got to stay with it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you must get offered all kinds of things, you know? and like -- so i would imagine, right? you get offered a lot of different tv shows. how did you decide which one you're going to do?

>> um -- hm, that's a very good question. you know, it's more about who i'm working with. >> jimmy: i see. >> than it is about the material. and it's about -- and television, as you know, is a bring it and bring it now business. and so when i -- when i look at the project, i look at the character, of course. and then i look at the people that are involved. then i try to -- i try to drink that all in and see if i fit. >> jimmy: okay. >> you know? >> jimmy: all right. >> and if i feel that, if i feel like that i can contribute and be of value, then i most likely. >> jimmy: if they tell you john stamos is going to be your brother, then you're like, okay, yeah, i can do that? >> that's next week's episode, and yes, you must watch that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: john same mess' penis? >> john stamos takes it out. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he does. wow. that's -- that's big.

well, it's very good to see you. >> good seeing you. >> jimmy: thank you for being here rather "doctor odyssey," watch it thursday nights, 9:00 here on abc. stream it the next day on hulu. don johnson, everybody. >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is practiced by snapdragon, at the heart of the devices you love. a cherished tradition set in 1915 san francisco. delight in a fun-filled holiday experience. ♪ tickets on sale now at sfballet.org

>> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by snapdragon. at the heart of the devices you love. >> jimmy: thanks to john david washington and don johnson. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next, but first, her album is called "liminal space." here with the song "rain," mxmtoon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ window-shopping houses up on clinton street ♪ ♪ i'm dancing down the block with the autumn breeze ♪

♪ bright eyes in my ears i forget my fears it's the first day of my life ♪ ♪ and it's so sad to think that i won't be here forever going home going home but i'll always remember ♪ ♪ when i'm sitting in the sun i think about the rain ♪ ♪ and the snow on the window pane when i'm cruising down the one ♪ ♪ dreaming i'm back east til i end up in long beach ♪ ♪ cause i said i'd go back home but i don't really know ♪ ♪ where to go cause when i'm sitting in the sun

i think about the rain i think about the rain ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm feeling pretty small among the redwood trees i wanna count the rings deep inside of me ♪ ♪ cause brooklyn made me young so i said goodbye ♪ ♪ now i'm growing old in oakland ♪ ♪ and it's so sad to think that i won't be here forever ♪ ♪ when i'm sitting in the sun i think about the rain ♪ ♪ and the snow on the window pane ♪ ♪ when i'm cruising down the one dreaming i'm back east til i end up in long beach ♪ ♪ cause i said i'd go back home but i don't really know ♪ ♪ where to go cause

when i'm sitting in the sun i think about the rain i think about the rain ♪ ♪ ♪ i think about the rain and it's so sad to think that i won't be here forever ♪ ♪ going home going home but i'll always remember ♪ ♪ when i'm sitting in the sun i think about the rain ♪ ♪ and the snow on the windowpane when i'm cruising down the one ♪ ♪ dreaming i'm back east till i end up in long beach ♪ ♪ 'cause i said i'd go back home but i don't really know ♪

♪ where to go 'cause when i'm sitting in the sun ♪ ♪ i think about the rain i think i know i'm not the same ♪ [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. tonight, who is the delphi killer? >> delphi was the safest place any of us felt like we could be. >> the shocking crime that rocked a small town. >> who would kill two teenage girls? >> the grainy video taken by one