and i'm dan ashley for sandhya patel, larry beil. all of us, we appreciate your time right now on jimmy kimmel tyler perry. >> we hope you have a great night. we'll see you tomorrow. >> lou: from hollywood. it's “jimmy kimmel live”! tonight -- tyler perry. anthony jeselnik. and music from lauren mayberry.

with cleto and the cletones. and now -- jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for watching. thank you for joining us here in our studio in the heart of hollywood, which i have to say is such an interesting place to work. this morning i'm driving in. i'm about to make a right at the corner here on hollywood boulevard. and i see something that few people get to see coming into their workplace. at the end of our block i see a guy who dresses up like spider-man -- having a conversation with a guy dressed up like jesus. [ laughter ] it's just spidey and jesus standing there, chewing the fat. “oh, you walk on walls? i walk on water.”

[ laughter ] and i have to say, it's nice. it makes you believe anything is possible, it really does. did you guys get your "spotify wrapped” list this morning? [ cheers ] every year, spotify sends you a report adding up everything you listened to this year. whether you like it or not. [ laughter ] this started in 2015, when someone at spotify asked, “why shouldn't corporate surveillance be fun?” [ laughter ] and it is fun. they're right. my top artist of the year, my number one artist this year was taylor -- thought swift, but rather, james taylor -- [ laughter ] was my number one artist of the year. i think my number one last year, too. i'm not going to tell you how many minutes of james taylor i listened to, but let's just say i'm not legally permitted to be within 500 feet of his home. [ laughter ] my top five are james taylor, bruce springsteen, tedeschi trucks band, the doobie brothers and zach bryan. [ cheers ] these reports from spotify have

become a gently yearly reminder that i'm white, and i will soon be dead. [ laughter ] the doobie brothers are my number four. what can i say? when a band tells me to “listen to the music,” i listen to the music. [ laughter ] one thing they do need to fix these lists start to get weird when you share a spotify account with your kids. like, it'll say “your top tracks were 'starting over' by chris stapleton and “poop in a taco” by “poopy man.” [ laughter ] personally, i prefer poopy man's earlier work, but this one is not bad. "poop in a taco" song. we asked guillermo to share his top five. were you surprised by it? >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: i was surprised too. guillermo's top five artists are “heroes del silencio.” "guns n' roses." “def leppard.” “survivor.” and “madonna.” [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: yeah, yeah! >> jimmy: that's an eclectic mix. his top five songs are, “pour some sugar on me.” “sweet child o' mine.”

“cum on feel the noize.” “burning heart” by survivor. and “rock you like a hurricane”" whoops ] sometimes i feel like i don't know you at all. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: that's what i like! >> jimmy: maybe the hairspray is getting into the brain a little bit. >> guillermo: maybe. >> jimmy: wait. “burning heart” by survivor? your faub four of the year? >> guillermo: my number four, yeah. my number five is madonna. >> jimmy: of all the survivor songs. i'd think "eye of the tiger" might be the one? >> guillermo: i chose that one, i like that one. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he likes that one. you get burning heart, eat some role laids and you'll be fine. this is interesting. the eight most streamed albums on spotify this year were all by women. [ cheers and applause ] that has to pi is. s kamala harris off a little bit, right? [ laughter ] "oh, so you'll listen to our music? okay, i get it." you know, i've been thinking about this hunter biden situation because i don't love the idea that the president said he wasn't going to pardon him.

and then pardoned him. but i am also having a hard time digesting some of the outrage. over the past whatever, three four days, i've heard every republican screaming about this 24/7 on fox news. not just republicans. democrats too, prominent democrats, including adam schiff, gavin newsom, tim kaine, the list is long, and a lot of them are mad. but what i don't remember and maybe someone can help me with this? was hearing anyone from the right. i don't remember hearing any republican currently serving in the senate or in the house. wagging their fingers and clucking their tongues when donald trump pardoned his buddy steve bannon, who swindled a bunch of maga supporters out of money "for the wall." or paul manafort. or roger stone. or michael flynn. or ivanka's father-in-law, charles kushner. who hired a prostitute to blackmail his sister's husband. not only did trump pardon him, he named him ambassador to france. [ laughter ] and i have to say i don't remember any republicans, i

don't recall anyone on fox news or newsmax or anyone express a single negative thought about those pardons. but i am hearing anchors on cnn and msnbc and i'm reading pieces in "the new york times," "the washington post," "the atlantic," lambasting joe biden for pardoning hunter. isn't that curious? i mean, how can it be that the biased, liberal media is asking people like chuck schumer questions like this? >> questions, yes. >> do you agree with some of your democrat caucus that president biden pardoning hunter biden was wrong, unwise, puts personal interest ahead of duty? >> i've got nothing for you on that. >> are you concerned about the lack of transparency, lack of honesty? >> as i said, i got nothing for you on that. >> that too? >> nope. >> pardoning on the way out of office family members sets a poor precedent? >> thank you, i've got nothing on that. >> we talked about pardons. this is a playbook for incoming

president trump. >> jimmy: a playbook for incoming president trump? he already did this, he doesn't need the playbook. he wrote the playbook. [ laughter ] he drew up the plays. here's the thing. [ applause ] i'm not defending -- i think joe biden made a mistake. instead of explaining this by talking about what happened to hunter in the past, what he was convicted for, he should have been talking about what might happen to him in the future. he said he was pardoning his son because he was selectively prosecuted. what he should have said is, i'm pardoning him because i know if i don't, you animals are going to keep tormenting him for the rest of his life. and the reason i know this, that you're going to do this, because you are currently doing it. the house has been investigating hunter biden since january of 2023. almost two years. they still haven't come up with anything that amounts to anything. you think that was going to stop? so did joe biden do the right thing? no, he did not do the right thing. if my son was this situation,

would i do what joe biden did? you're [ bleep ] right i would. [ cheers and applause ] the truth is, if kamala had won, hunter probably would have got a pardon. there's a pretty good chance hunter voted for donald trump to make sure this happened. [ laughter ] meanwhile, while all this tumult is tumulting, joe biden says, "you fight about this amongst yourselves, it's getting on a plane and getting the hell out of here." you can see the president here touching down in -- let's see, i believe that is cheyenne, wyoming. [ laughter ] no. angola? that's angola. that is not cheyenne, wyoming. he was greeted by locals on the tarmac. and then he took part in a summit with leaders from all around africa. where he promised to support a new railway project. and closed things out with a promise to one day return. >> mr. president, i hope you can closing remarks to adjourn this meeting. >> mr. president, i'm coming back.

all the way from end to end. i've ridden a lot on trains. i commute every day. 212 miles a day on amtrak from washington to my hometown in wilmington, delaware, as a senator. and so i like trains. [ laughter ] a lot. >> jimmy: boy, he really knows how to get a crowd going, doesn't he? [ laughter ] the train is out of steam. [ laughter ] meanwhile, biden's successor, our president-elect, made an important announcement today, and he is all business. >> my new trump fragrances are here. [ laughter ] they make a great christmas present. i've named them, fight, fight, fight, because they represent winning. we all have to be winning. we have to win as a nation. this fragrance is all about strength and success and confidence for men and for women. get yourself a bottle, and don't forget to grab one for your loved ones too. they'll thank you, and they'll

even smell good. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, you thought after he won the election that was going to stop? [ laughter ] he's selling fragrances like j. lo. [ laughter ] for anyone who is buying this crap he sells, just give the man your atm card and pin number and get it over with. [ laughter ] he's going to shoot these in the oval office, isn't he? and when trump is not selling cologne he may be looking for a new nominee for secretary of defense. his current nominee pete hegseth - who he picked from tv like a necklace from qvc -- looks like he's about to be pentagone after allegations of sexual misconduct and drunken behavior that reportedly got him forced out of two different nonprofit groups for veterans. in one incident pete became so intoxicated at a work event, he had to be stopped from joining dancers on the stage of a louisiana strip club. [ laughter ] i don't know what that was. hegseth says it's all a lie and also promises that if he gets confirmed by the senate, he will stop drinking.

[ laughter ] but if not, he's storming the capitol grille at happy hour. [ laughter ] the “new york times” got hold of a very damning email pete's mother sent him about the way he treats women. so, this morning his mom went on fox and friends to do damage control, which funny. has a nominee for secretary of defense. has a nominee for secretary of defense ever put his mom on tv to help him? [ laughter ] did donald rumsfeld's woman? leon panetta? so now trump is looking for backup and has reportedly tapped florida governor ron desantis. and if you're wondering what qualifications ron desantis has to run the pentagon -- you are correct to wonder that. [ laughter ] but at least ron desantis is the governor of a state, and he does have military experience. he served in the navy as a jag officer. he's a real jag officer! [ laughter ] and later he served as commander

of the fashion marines. [ laughter ] here he is rallying the troops before they stormed the beaches of boca raton. but desantis has work to do before he can leave his state. he needs to appoint someone to replace marco rubio. in the senate. the favorite for that position is lara trump, wife of eric. lara was in buenos aires, speaking at some event for terrible people, where she got down and danced with the president of argentina. ♪ stay at the ymca it's fun to stay at the ymca ♪ >> they have everything that you need to enjoy. >> jimmy: i thought people in argentina were good dancers, no? [ laughter ] let that be a lesson to all foreign dignitaries. from this point on, you want to get in good with trump, you're going to have to dance with his daughter-in-law to "ymca." a lot of people have wondered aloud and otherwise, why trump would pick a song so closely associated with the gay community to be his theme song.

at one point, the village people sent a notice telling him to stop. but they had a change of heart, i guess. one of the village people, the cop, whose name is victor willis, went on cnn last night. we've got it all wrong. >> people in the media has ymca, just said that it's a gay anthem. but in reality, ymca is more than just a gay anthem. ymca is an anthem for -- for parties, bar mitzvahs, wedding, sporting events. it kind of disturbs me when they just try to say ymca is just a gay anthem. >> jimmy: right. it's not just a gay anthem, it is "the" gay anthem. [ laughter ] [ applause ] it is the number one gay and could soon be our national anthem. [ laughter ] i like that he wore the cop outfit on cnn, even with the

star. and the fact that donald trump loves ymca, i don't know, it's kind of cute in a way. i would love to see his spotify playlist. say what you want about the man, he loves music so touch much, he has a new christmas album featuring all the fun holiday characters from the magaverse. >> this holiday season, trigger the lips in your life with the bigliest album in santa's sack. have yourself a maga little christmas. jingle all the way to the capitol with red-blooded holiday classics like "rudolph the disbarred lawyer." "twitchy the snowman." "the little dumber boy." "rfk just ran over a reindeer." "the malibu unvaccinated children's choir." and so much more. ♪ melania melania ♪ note oh why don't you sleep with me ♪ ♪ melania melania ♪ ♪ contractually you must kiss me ♪

>> call now to receive a copy of melania trump's new holiday book. >> i don't give a [ bleep ] about christmas. >> have yourself a maga little christmas. and who gives a [ bleep ] about christmas stuff and decorations? available exclusively in the back of hobby lobby near the cisgender bathrooms. >> gave me cash, just give me money. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a good show tonight. anthony jeselnik is here. we've got music from lauren mayberry. and we'll be right back with tyler perry. so stick around!

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back to the show. tonight, a very funny man who has a new stand-up comedy

special called "bones and all." anthony jeselnik is with us. then later her new album "vicious creature" comes out friday. all the way from scotland, lauren mayberry. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, our guests are -- billy eichner and chris martin with dick van dyke, and plus we'll have music from thee sacred souls. so join us for that. our first guest has as many hyphens in his job description as madea has wigs. he's a certified billionaire and creator of many things. his latest movie, “the six triple eight” opens in select theaters friday and december 20th on netflix. please welcome tyler perry! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you for being here. >> yeah, been awhile, been awhile. >> jimmy: did you bring the

list? >> i actually do have a list of my songs, yes. >> jimmy: you printed them out? >> i printed them out. i don't have them in my phone. >> jimmy: okay, all right. this is very old-school. >> she old-school. >> jimmy: what do we got there? >> my top is beyonce. [ cheers ] c.c. winans, last album was amazing. luther vandross. [ cheers ] chris stapleton. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: you know what, i really feel like this is the perfect summary of you in a lot of ways. >> is that right, is that right? yours was like, i'm old and my dying? what did you say yours was? >> jimmy: no, i'm old, white, and dying. [ laughter ] yes, got a little bit of religion in there, got some luther in there, beyonce. have you ever pitched a project to beyonce? >> i have not. >> jimmy: you have not? >> no, i have not. >> jimmy: does your son like your music? do you force your music on your kid? >> i do not not. his mom's ethiopian, so she has a very different style of music

he likes. he's into rap music now. >> jimmy: how old is he? >> he's 10. just turned 10. him trying to rap is really funny. >> jimmy: who does he like? >> 50 cent and jay-z, and he's trying to rap, but he doesn't -- he's got the clean version. ♪ you can find me in the club bottle full of bub ♪ i'm like, "bro, this is not how it goes, you've got to have some soul to it." he just turned 10. >> jimmy: what kind of a birthday party does tyler perry's son have? do you get 50 cent to come -- >> absolutely. >> jimmy: -- blow out the candles? >> absolutely not. this kid doesn't have any money. [ laughter ] he has a very simple birthday party. his birthday party is 30 kids playing soccer with him, all 9 and 10 year olds. >> jimmy: that was the birthday party? >> that was the birthday party. okay, do that, stay away from me. they're so cute, and they smell so great. but at about 9 or 10, they start to smell like horses. [ laughter ] and, you know --

>> jimmy: i know what you mean. when they don't wash their hair, it smells like a horse. >> and under the arms. 10 years old, just thinking -- we were walking, like, "is that you smelling like that?" "mom doesn't want me to use deodor deodorant, she wants me to wash with tea tree oil." "brother, i'm going to get you some brut." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i remember like that, pretending to shave when i was a kid. you know. deodorant, when you get deodorant, you're a man. [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah, he's really enjoying participate fuzz on his face. he's doing this all the time. >> jimmy: have you thought about getting him a bottle of trump cologne for christmas? [ laughter ] >> no, but i have wanted to ask you, have you looked into homes in other parts of the world? [ laughter ] might be a good idea, jimmy. >> jimmy: i'm going to be swimming to your eye land. [ laughter ] >> you and guillermo, i've got room. >> jimmy: would i be able to swim to your eye land?

>> no, you would not. >> jimmy: if i were to make it to your eye land, you have an island, would i be welcomed on the island? >> it depends on who's after you when you get there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i see. >> so no is the answer, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: wow. you -- by the way, you have a replica of the white house. you own a replica of the white house. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's on your studio. >> yeah, i don't live in it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't live in it. have you ever taken a nap in the lincoln bedroom? >> no, i don't. it's 80% replica, and it's very much -- you could live in it if you wanted to, but no. i just thought it would be really weird. >> jimmy: that would be reared to live in it. 80%. 80% size-wise? or 80% of the white house? >> it's 80% scale of what the actual white house is. i don't have the east and west wing of the white house itself. >> jimmy: okay, so you have the working area. >> yeah. >> jimmy: not the living quarters. >> even the oval office is in the basement, so we have most of the things you would see in a movie. >> jimmy: wow. that's kind of great to have that. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i've heard the secret

service actually trained in your white house? >> can you believe that? i thought that was so strange that, the secret service has to come and train for some calamity at a replica of my white house because congress won't fund for them to build one for them to train. so when they're in virginia, they're training in these open fields with barricades saying, "okay, now you're in the oval office." instead of actually being in the white house. so i think that's really, really weird. >> jimmy: it's weird also that they need to be in -- i don't know, why do they need to be in the white house itself to train? >> i think that anybody who's training tactically, you want to be in -- exactly in the place that you are training to have combat in, for sure. >> jimmy: right, right. >> where walls are and doors and windows. [ bleep ] i've never done any of this. [ laughter ] i'm just trying to tell you what i think. >> jimmy: you own the place where they come to train. were you there? >> i shoot movies, bro. no, i wouldn't there during the time they were there, i was working somewhere sglels you said yeah, of course you guys

can go there and do it? that had to be a weird call to get. >> it was really cool. she was really, really wonderful. wow, you guys are really going to come and train? don't break anything, just have a good time. >> jimmy: did they break anything? >> no. >> jimmy: they broke nothing? >> no. had they broken anything, what i found with the government is, you can charge $50,000 more for anything. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: all right, tyler perry is here with us. his movie is called "the six triple eight." we'll take a look at that when we come back. we'll be right back. >> lou: portions of “jimmy kimmel live” are brought to you by starbucks. the holidays are here! find joy in every sip at starbucks. kelsey: hey aaron: hi elin: aaah maria! ♪ hold on, i'm comin... ♪ kimiko: thank you so much gar-ye: maurice! (music plays throughout) ok, ebay.

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make no mistake, ladies. they did not send us because they thought we could do it. we are here because they are sure we cannot. one day there's no mail, there is no morale. this is our mission. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: back with tyler perry. "the six triple eight," what a crazy, unbelievable story and a story that you feel like kind of embarrassed that you didn't know. >> yeah, i didn't know either. >> jimmy: you didn't know about it? >> no. ava sent me this -- kerry and peter had done, producers on the

movie, 855 black women in europe during world war ii, and i was embarrassed not to know that. there were surviving members. customerand carlotta were in touch with one in particular in touch with a few, but lena derek king, 98 years old, i flew immediately to meet with her. i sat down, not knowing what to expect. 99 years old, is she all there? the woman comes down the stairs. she floats. she walks in. makeup, hair done. "he "hello, mr. perry." we started talking about the war in 1942 and how she experienced it. memory was amazing. that's where the story came from. true story. >> jimmy: that is fantastic. did she get to see the film? >> i was rushing to get it cut. she had just turned 100. >> jimmy: yes. >> she's at home in hospice. and i got it rushed to cut, flew to vegas, showed to it her. i actually am so proud to see that she got a chance to see it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. that's pretty exciting, yeah.

and oprah is in the movie? >> oprah's in the movie, susan sarandon, sam waterson. >> jimmy: oprah, and they're great. sam waterson, susan sarandon, but only oprah is oprah. [ laughter ] you've known oprah for a very long time. your first time directing oprah? >> yeah, she's not a madea kind of girl. [ laughter ] i don't see her going to the next madea. so i had to have something that was worthy for her. and "six triple eight" playing major mccloud bethune, oh, yeah. >> jimmy: when did you first meet oprah? was it on her show? >> yeah, it was on her show. i got a call -- it was april fools'. "they want you on the oprah show, they're doing a segment called "remembering your spirit," they want you on the show." "this is april fools'?" "no." i flew to chicago, i was on the show, i saw her, whoa. >> jimmy: was that the first time you'd ever seen her? >> the first time i'd met her.

no, i saw her in new orleans when i worked at a hotel. i knew she was checking in. i worked in housekeeping. i knew she was coming. i was out in the hallway vacuuming. [ laughter ] i was vacuuming so long, people started to complain. [ laughter ] i was waiting for her to come. i vacuumed that hallway for about two hours. she finally comes off the elevator respect i was just like, aahhh! >> jimmy: did you speak to her? >> i didn't but i knew she was leaving and i was vacuuming and it was time for me to get off. and she was like -- i called the room, "hello, this is the bellman, would you like -- when you're going to check out -- "i'll let you know." she's leaving, i stand up against the wall, say something, she's passing me. "excuse me. can i have your autograph?" "why didn't you say that when i was walking past you?" she walks over, gives me the autograph. >> jimmy: you still have that autograph? >> you don't. >> jimmy: nobody saves those. as exciting as it is. >> no, no, i got -- i was broke and put out of an apartment, all

my things were lost. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> sorry to take you down a really bad road. >> jimmy: i bet that apartment you got kicked out of had a very clean rug. [ laughter ] >> exactly right. but there was no vacuum, so i had to sweep. >> jimmy: no vacuum? >> stay with me, stay with me. >> jimmy: was it a hotel where a lot of celebrities stayed? >> four star, five diamond hotel in new orleans. this was during the napsy convention. i got a chance to meet a huge celebrity before oprah. >> jimmy: who? >> pat sajak. i was blown away. there is pat sajak? it's so cool. >> jimmy: did you talk to pat? >> i did not. >> jimmy: did you show him how good you were at vacuuming? [ laughter ] >> no, saved that for oprah. >> jimmy: when is the last time you vacuumed? [ laughter ] >> what's your next question? [ laughter ] what's your next question? a long time. >> jimmy: it feels like you

probably did enough in your whole life. >> yeah. >> jimmy: at the hotel. >> yeah, exactly right. i never want to vacuum again. >> jimmy: the movie, you've got to see it, "six triple a." it opens in select theaters friday, and december 20th you can watch it at home on netflix. tyler perry, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] thank you, tyler. we'll be back with anthony jeselnik. same. discover the power of wegovy®. with wegovy®, i lost 35 pounds. and some lost over 46 pounds. and i'm keeping the weight off. i'm reducing my risk. wegovy® is the only weight-management medicine proven to reduce risk of major cardiovascular events such as death, heart attack, or stroke in adults with known heart disease and obesity. don't use wegovy® with semaglutide or glp-1 medicines, or in children under 12. don't take if you or your family had mtc, men 2, or if allergic to it. tell your prescriber if you are breastfeeding, pregnant, or plan to be. stop taking and get medical help right away

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back to the show. music from lauren mayberry is on the way. our next guest is a very funny man with a new comedy special to prove it. "bones and all" is on netflix now. please welcome anthony jeselnik! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: what's going on, how are you? >> look at you. >> jimmy: you look like you're here to kill me. >> i know. this is the suit that send as message. that message is, i hate lamb. >> jimmy: is that lamb? is that a lamb skin? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: may i smell it?

>> please. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah, lamb, for sure, yeah. [ laughter ] how you doing? how's it going? >> i'm great. >> jimmy: thank you for being here. congratulations on the special. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it premiered just in time tort family to gather around netflix and watch on it thanksgiving weekend. >> yeah, i think i ruined more thanksgivings than smallpox. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. yeah, it's not -- it's not for the kids necessarily. >> no. >> jimmy: maybe not grandma either. >> no, no one really should be watching it. but everyone has to watch it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you've been doing stand-up, which is crazy to think about this, for 20 years now. >> 22 years. >> jimmy: 22 years. >> yeah, the two-year tour. i don't know if you remember this, jimmy, you were instrumental in me making it this far. >> jimmy: i was? in what way? >> you were the first person to ever put me on tv. >> jimmy: okay, great. >> in the very beginning, i didn't know if i could get on tv. my jokes were all about killing children. [ laughter ] i thought, i'm just going to be a niche performer. then one night i was at largo.

and i got offstage and i hear this guy go, "great set." i turn, i look, it's you. you're wearing a hat, incognito. "thank you, jimmy, it's great to hear." "we've got to have you on the show." "oh, thank you, i'm working with people on your show, talking to them, we're going to look at a set, edit it down." the whole time i'm talking to you, you're going like this. [ laughter ] it's my show. this was a monday night, and on wednesday night i premiered on "jimmy kimmel live." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i was worried conan might swoop in ask take you from me. that's right, you've been doing stand-up exactly as long as we've been doing this show. then you moved to new york shortly after that, correct? >> yeah, i moved to new york. i wrote you an email. you had asked me to write jokes for you. you were refor the espys -- >> jimmy: i was hosting the espys, right.

>> i needed that money. "hey, jimmy, thank you for everything you've ever done for me, you've been huge. i want you to know, i'm taking a writing job in new york, i can't help you out anymore." you wrote back, "thank you, i appreciate it. so you know, you belong in front of the camera." and i never forgot. you didn't have to do that. but you reached out, and you crushed my dreams. [ laughter ] all i wanted to do is be a writer. [ laughter ] i could be wearing all hemp right now. sitting backstage, thinking of ways to ruin the business of 12 years. instead, i'm a star. >> jimmy: i know. oh, you think the writers for this show are still here? no, no. they're long gone, they've gone home. >> i didn't know you had writers. >> jimmy: oh, yes, there are a couple of them. you -- i think i was right. i really do. you know, and that's true. i do remember that. i also remember when i paid you for the jokes, you were shocked that you got paid.

what did you think, i just wanted you to do this for me as a favor? >> i mean, that's what jeff ross does. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: you are -- you did a 27-day tour of all different countries. >> yes. >> jimmy: we're talking countries where most of the people don't speak -- where were you? what countries were you in? >> i was everywhere. i was australia, india, i went to like hong kong, i went to athens, london, everywhere. i went everywhere. >> jimmy: that -- was that something that you were like -- you saw as a challenge, to go to hong kong and -- >> it's something that sounded like a good idea at the time. >> jimmy: uh-huh. [ laughter ] >> then i'm in the hotel room in hong kong, trying not to break any rules, and i'm like, i've got to get the hell out of here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you took all those trips on spirit airlines, correct? >> i wish i'd taken spirit airlines. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i splurged. i was like, i want to get --

what's the best flight you can get? united emirates. flying back from india after the indian tour. i'm going to spoil myself. and i got food poisoning. 17 hours. it's one of those first classes where you have your own bathroom. >> jimmy: oh. >> so i could throw up in privacy. [ laughter ] for 17 hours. it was the worst travel experience of my life. >> jimmy: that does not sound great at all, no, yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: 17 hours of vomiting is no good. at least you had your own bathroom. i remember seeing your own bathroom in a plane like that. >> if you saw it, it would be covered in puke, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what, of the places that you went, what was the best, and which was the not -- the worst? >> there was so many great places. amsterdam was one of my favorite cities in the world. i absolutely love it. but they had me in this weird theater, the amsterdam theater. it's beautiful. i'm like, it's an interesting place. why? "we made this ten years ago just to show one play every night."

"what play?" "the diary every night. and after four years, somehow, this business failed. [ laughter ] and so now they do comedy shows. >> jimmy: wow. >> in the theater that i cannot stress enough is not built for laughter. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm not making fun of the diary of anne frank. i'm like you guys. those were some weird shows. the craziest place i played, the craziest place you can go in the world was glasgow. >> jimmy: really? >> ever been to glasgow, scotland? >> jimmy: no. >> in glasgow, they slash your face. >> jimmy: what? >> if two people get in a fight in glasgow, the fight's not over until somebody's face gets slashed, then everybody goes home friends. they don't have the tooth fairy in glasgow. if you lose a tooth, you put it under your pillow, you go to sleep, you wake up, someone

slashed your face. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so when you say slash your face, you mean like the joker deal? >> yeah, just like that. go to the left, boom, face slashed. >> jimmy: that's a thing there? >> they love it. it's the national pastime. >> jimmy: remind me not to go there. who took care of your dog? i know you have a dog. while your all over the world? >> i got a dog during the pandemic. i rescued a dog. when i say rescue, i don't mean i got a free dog. i mean i got a dog from korea. it was rescued in korea and was sent to me. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. and he does not like new people. so i couldn't put him away when i went on the road. i had to hire a full-time assistant just to watch the dog while i'm gone? you hired a full-time dog watcher? >> full-time dog watcher, yeah. >> jimmy: and that personalive. [ laughter ] she's never been bit. >> jimmy: when you came home, you fired the person that watches the dog? >> she's been so good, but i still want someone to walk every morning. i'm very passionate about dogs now, jimmy.

i feel like if you got a dog yo to own an animal again. >> jimmy: agreed. [ applause ] i agree. >> if you got a dog during the pandemic and you abandoned that dog, you should go to jail. [ applause ] if you adopted a dog during the pandemic and you outlive your dog, if you die before the dog does, you should go to hell. [ laughter ] i talked to the pope about it, he said it's cool, it's great to see you. congratulations on the show. >> thank you. >> jimmy: on 22 years of comedy magic. [ cheers and applause ] anthony jeselnik, everybody. "bones and all" is on netflix now. we'll be back with laurie mayberry! is now on disney+. game on espn+ content looking forward to being on the same team with you!

the greatest stories live here. can you believe it? ♪ with espn+ content on disney+ for bundle subscribers.

>> jimmy: thanks to tyler perry and anthony jeselnik. apologies to matt damon. “nightline” is next, but first this album "vicious creature" comes out friday. here with the song "something in the air," lauren mayberry!

♪ crashed into a man on a mission hands up in my face instead ♪ ♪ of acting surprised or questioning why i say you're a little late ♪ ♪ eye for an eye x marks the spot will i atone for my mistakes ♪ am i sobering up will i be pious enough and build castles for a saint ♪ ♪ screaming through a red a white a blue megaphone go to hell or go home or you will die on your own ♪ ♪ you come up with your stories conspiracy theories of why we're all here ♪ ♪ oh oh oh i just want to be someone someone who's happy ♪ ♪ but why do you even care

must be something in the air something in the air ♪ ♪ don't want to spend today obsessively wishing to know what happens next ♪ ♪ if you want to believe then that's your prerogative i wish you the very best but there it goes ♪ ♪ that funny feeling reeling me back in can't tell if it's a blessing ♪ ♪ or a sin you come up with your stories conspiracy theories ♪ ♪ of why we're all here oh oh oh i just want to be someone ♪ ♪ someone who's happy but why do you even care must be something

in the air ♪ ♪ something in the air must be something in the air something in the air ♪ ♪ screaming through a red a white a blue megaphone go to hell or go home or you will die on your own ♪ ♪ i just want to be someone someone who's happy but why do you even care ♪ something in the air must be something ♪ in the air something in the air

all that static ♪ ♪ down the megaphone too much noise might leave you on your own all that static ♪ ♪ down the megaphone too much noise might leave you on your own ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

this is nightline. >> tonight, the urgent manhunt for the shooter responsible for a brazen murder in new york city. >> every indication is that this was a premeditated, pre-planned, targeted attack. >> gunning down the ceo of unitedhealthcare outside a popular hotel, then escaping. >> i saw him after he shot him. he ran across the street. >> the big apple on edge. beefing up security for the

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