for sandhya patel, larry beil, all of us. we appreciate your time right now on jimmy kimmel, edward norton, and chris destefano. >> have a great night. >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- edward norton, chris distefano, and music from m.j. lenderman. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on a rainy day here if l.a. i'm glad you're here. i'm glad -- [ cheers and applause ] i've got to say, i am -- [ cheers and applause ] please sit down. i'm going to be honest, it's too much, it's too much. [ laughter ] you know, in the future, we -- i have to say, we need to enjoy our time while we're here. because the end might not be so far away. nasa is warning that the chances of an asteroid striking our planet this planet we live on, at some point over the next decade has doubled over the past three weeks. how long ago was the inauguration?

[ laughter ] >> guillermo: oh, like five weeks, i think. >> jimmy: no, no, it was three. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: oh. >> jimmy: you know things are tough when you read that an asteroid might be headed at us and my first thing is, "oh, finally, some good news." [ laughter ] the chances of an asteroid hitting the earth over the next ten years is 2%. you know the white house is trying to figure out how to blame this on dei, right? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they come from the blackness of space, these aster asteroids." so anyway, might be time to pull ben affleck out of the dunkin' donuts, get him back on the rocket. [ laughter ] crank the aerosmith folks, we're going for a ride. [ laughter ] and then we have the flu knocking everybody out. anybody have the flu? [ laughter ] good thing i didn't see hands. they say in california for the first time in five years, the flu is killing more people than covid. which, yay, i guess? [ laughter ] the flu, covid, and norovirus are all on the rise, and those are only a few of the diseases you were exposed to when you

entered our theater here from hollywood boulevard. [ laughter ] why we've got a little music. we've got -- ♪ strep throat and mono and the norovirus rsv, herpes gastro-enteritis ♪ ♪ monkeypox, syphilis west nile and aids these are a few of our deadliest strains ♪ guillermo! >> guillermo: you have amazing voice. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] and by the way, i want to mention, you can hear the rest of that song when i open for beyonce on april 28th at sofi stadium. did any of you try to get beyonce tickets? people were very mad yesterday. people were mad because they didn't get beyonce tickets. they were mad because they did. [ laughter ] well, the reason they were mad because they didn't, they had problems with ticketmaster. on the site, it wasn't working. ticketmaster had an interesting reaction to this. after they were seeing an outpouring of rage, their spokesperson blamed the fans and their computer settings.

they instructed -- they said, don't open more than one tab, clear your cookies, and turn off your vpns. it's like a conversation with your dad when you're trying to get him to buy something. [ laughter ] and then there were those who did get tickets. this is an actual text flurry between one of our writers and his wife. she wrote, "i'm buying tickets to beyonce and they are insanely expensive." "to go with aisha." "but i'm doing it." [ laughter ] "you get in my way, i will kill you." [ laughter ] beyonce elicits some very dangerous gusto. if your wife wants to go see beyonce, don't say -- just curl up in a ball and protect your organs. [ laughter ] meanwhile, kanye west is a nazi. [ laughter ] and he's looking for new management. in the wake of his anti-semitic spinout this weekend, ye-dolph twittler was cut by his talent agent. [ laughter ] his agent issues a statement saying, "effective immediately, i'm no longer representing ye due to his harmful and hateful

remarks that neither myself nor 33 and west can stand for." effective immediately? [ applause ] how about effective two years ago? how about effective friday when he wrote," i am a nazi" on twitter? you needed the weekend to think that one through? [ laughter ] meanwhile, kanye east has been gobbling up the spotlight at the white house, holing court with reporters in the oval office. he's -- donald trump has been very generous, sharing some of the wisdom he has gained from his 78 years on earth. >> you know bullies, you know what a bully is, right? you know the bully -- i've always -- and i found it throughout my life. a bully is the weakest person. >> jimmy: does he have any self-awareness at all? [ laughter ] the character of biff in "back to the future" is based on him. and that was 30 years before he became president. [ cheers and applause ] and i hope this isn't bullying, but what the hell's going on with the color of his face?

[ laughter ] he looks like the vest you wear to go deer hunting. [ laughter ] do you think he knows you're supposed to take the makeup off? i think they keep shellacking on more coats. it's like he saw his makeup person this morning and said, "give me the circus peanut!" [ laughter ] blob the builder is still going all in on his ridiculous, and potentially disastrous, plan to force nearly 2 million palestinians who live in gaza to go live somewhere else. there seems to have been no thought put into this plan outside of just what he says at the press conference, where trump was asked something to the effect of, "what if the palestinians don't want to leave?" >> we're moving them to a beautiful location. they're going to be in love with it. i did very well with real estate, i can tell you about real estate. they're going to be in love with it. >> jimmy: this is not what you say to people you are evicting from the place where they live, this is what you say to your parents when you're about to put them in a retirement home. [ laughter ] "trust me, you're gonna love it, it's great, you'll get all your meals, they have

pickleball, it's going to be --" and the way he goes from subject to subject. he's busy -- one minute he's with ethnic cleansing, the next he's tweeting about shampooing his hair. "i am hereby instructing secretary lee zeldin to immediately go back to my environmental orders, which were terminated by crooked joe biden, on water standards and flow pertaining to sinks, showers, toilets, washing machines, dishwashers, et cetera." here we go with the water pressure again. my water pressure is fine. guillermo, how is your water pressure? >> guillermo: very strong. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's good, it comes out? >> guillermo: very strong, yes. >> jimmy: i would suggest, mr. president, that if you have to flush your toilet nine times, it may not be the water pressure. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you might want to take a look at your diet, you know? [ laughter ] maybe you don't need the triple whopper with cheese is all i'm saying. you know, he's in the bathroom when he's posting this stuff. [ laughter ] and as silly as all this stuff

sounds, the teat-suckling sycophants, like larry kudlow of fox business, are lathering it up. >> i can't thank president trump enough. he's going to make showers great again. for the first time in four years, i can take a real shower with the water pounding down on me. not some puny biden drizzle. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i am so turned on right now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] what is going on with larry kudlow? somebody get this man some flomax! [ laughter ] >> not just a great shower. but in the sink, too. you can really wash your face. get a better shave. wash your hands as often as you want with real strong, live water flow. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. larry's definitely having trouble peeing, right? [ laughter ] this is a cry for help? stand up and let us see the front of your pants. what is happening? this is the business news. when did we turn into north korea? who gets this fired up about water flow?

>> omd director russell vogt. welcome to the show. i hope you look forward to one of these great pounding trump showers again. >> i do, larry, thanks for having me on. >> jimmy: we've reached a point where old bald men are openly fantasizing about getting a good pounding in the shower. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thanks to donald trump. but that is the level of fealty required right now. the white house, yesterday, banned reporters from the associated press because the outlet refuses to call the "gulf of mexico" "the gulf of america," which is the name trump has given it, because he is dumb. [ laughter ] so they kicked them out of the oval office. "you cannot report from here anymore." they're going to keep kicking journalists out until all they have left are fox, newsmax, oan, onlyfans, and "golf digest." [ laughter ] that will be it. both google and apple maps have both fallen in line with this gulf of america thing. google put out a guide for what people will now see when they

search for it online. if you're in the united states, it's called the gulf of america. if you're in mexico, still the gulf of mexico. this is basically the equivalent of google maps giving him a binky and hoping he shuts up. [ laughter ] and the other bigly change to the map trump wants involves greenland. trump, as you know, wants to buy or just swallow up greenland, which is such an obnoxious idea. but since it's a trump idea, it's a great idea! there is a representative from georgia, a guy named buddy carter, who introduced a bill, a real bill, on the house floor that would give trump the power, not only to try to purchase greenland, also to change the country's name to "red, white and blueland." [ laughter ] here's buddy with more. >> you know, there's a price for everything. and renaming it, we -- you know, they should love to rename it after the freest country in the world. that would give an indication to people that now they're a member of the freest country in the world. >> jimmy: well, congratulations, buddy. that might be the [ bleep ]

headedest idea i've ever heard in my life. [ laughter and applause ] let's see. "how do we let a country we've just taken against their will know how free they are? i know, we'll force them to change their name to red, white, and blueland." [ laughter ] do you think trump ever wonders, "are these people making fun of me?" because this too much. meanwhile, denmark's like, "why don't you red, white and [ bleep ] us. [ cheers and applause ] [ rim shot ] we want no part of this. there are so many nutty ideas coming from so many corners now. and the democrats -- they're doing their best, i guess. on capitol hill, there was a protest. hakeem jeffries and some other congressional democrats led a group of civil servants in a rally to fight back against evil elon's plan to gut the government and put them out of work. ♪ we'll fight against doge ♪ ♪ we'll fight elon musk ♪ ♪ scab within our walls ♪ ♪ we'll fight from dawn to

dusk ♪ ♪ oh which side are you on which side are you on ♪ >> jimmy: the losing one? [ laughter ] it seems like -- oh, my -- we are not going to stop these people with a senior singalong. [ laughter ] trump this week announced that he's ordered the treasury to stop minting the penny because it costs 3 cents to make, and his doge bros see that as a way to cut down on wasteful spending, which okay. but the experts say that if we lose the penny, we'd need to make more nickels, and nickels are more expensive to make than pennies. the increase in nickel production would not only wipe out the savings we get from eliminating the penny, it would actually cost more than if we keep the penny. and if you understood that, you've probably never bankrupted a casino. [ laughter ] either way, one way or another, trump's going to make sure that at the end of this -- we're penniless. [ laughter ] whereas he is making a fortune. on trump's crypto coin, his family and their partners have already pocketed a hundred million dollars from trading

fees. just those trading fees. they stand to make billions on the coin itself. nobody seems to have a problem with this. if anything, others seem to be focused on trying to figure out how to do it themselves. i've seen -- >> guillermo: do you have money? but you want so much money? bro, it's me, guillermo, from "the guillermo and jimmy show." i'm launching my own coin, the g-mexi coin. we all want to be rich! >> how does it work? >> who cares? i'm feeling -- >> famous. >> guillermo: anyone can invest in g-mexi-coin. cool dudes, nerds, tech bros, even the president of belarus. >> why the president of belarus? >> guillermo: that's none of your [ bleep ] business, that's why. >> how this is legal? >> guillermo: how this is legal? women. >> women! >> guillermo: only the best people have their own coin. donald trump, melania trump,

ugly is zale yeah, and a hot girl. >> you've got to sit on this opportunity. hop to it! >> guillermo: so disgusting. >> gross! >> guillermo: but about don't take my word for it. listen to this huge celebrity. >> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. i got so rich by the g-mexi coin. now i got so many neck -- necklaces. >> guillermo: wow, i trust him. >> this says g-mexi coin went down 90% since i invested. >> guillermo: when did you invest? >> 30 seconds ago. >> guillermo: that's good, buy the dip, bro. >> this isn't a rug pull, is it? guh -- no [ speaking spanish ] who cares, i already cash out, cha-ching. don't be stupid, buy my coin!

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, i am going to buy it. >> guillermo: all right, jimmy. >> jimmy: good luck with that, guillermo. we have a good show for you tonight. a very funny man, chris distefano is here. we've got music from m.j. lenderman, and we'll be right back with edward norton.

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with music from sia. so please join us for that. our first guest is an abnormally gifted man who is nominated for best supporting actor at the oscars once again for his work playing folk music legend pete seeger. his movie "a complete unknown" is in theatres now. please welcome edward norton. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how you doing? >> good. >> jimmy: good to see you. does everyone call you edward? because i was thinking about the name edward. i think it might have more variations, nicknames, than any first name. >> you think? >> jimmy: there's ed, eddie -- >> fast eddie. >> jimmy: teddy. yeah, if you want to add other for sure. ned i didn't realize is -- did you know that? >> nope. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: ned is a name for

people named edward. you could have been ned norton. [ laughter ] you could still be ned norton if you really want to. >> ned norton, you know -- >> jimmy: of course. >> i think we're aging "the honmooners" crowd. a lot of people don't know that reference anymore. unless you loved eddie murphy's "raw." my high school nightmare. i was 95 pounds as a freshman in high school. eddie murphy's "raw" came out. >> jimmy: come in, norton? >> come in, norton. i walked into school. and there were division i-a football players in our school. and i walk in. and i had no idea what had happened. but i was pretty sure i wasn't making it through the day. >> jimmy: is that when you said, it's going to be edward? >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: wow. that's really funny. boy, i hope people don't forget "the honeymooners." maybe the best show ever. right? [ cheers and applause ] >> great, great. >> jimmy: i'm glad you're here.

are you worried about the asteroid? because this seems alarming to me. >> my son is 11. and he said -- he heard us talking about it or somebody was making some joke at dinner. he was like, "dad -- on the chance that that would happen, it would be nice to finish the harry potter books." [ laughter ] it's like, wow. not maybe my priority if it's coming. >> jimmy: are you reading the books? >> yeah. >> jimmy: me too, i'm in the middle of it also. >> i'm in book five. >> jimmy: i'm in three. >> i sound -- i'm losing my voice. and it's because i'm on this constant schedule of command performance of that. >> jimmy: i do the same thing. it's a half-hour per chapter. and i'm wearing invisalign during it. [ laughter ] so i'm lisping the whole time. >> that's hot, that's really hot. >> jimmy: i'm learned to lower my voice because i was really going for it and acting through it. now i've learned to just kind

of -- only hagrid do i do a voice for. [ laughter ] >> i get no appreciation, no love. do you have any idea what i could charge for this? [ laughter ] [ applause ] fy laid this out. literally, if i try to repeat an accent, if i do a certain accent, "you're doing that -- you can't repeat that." i'm like, "regional dialects can be applied to many characters." i literally got such shade the other night that i said, "i know you don't know what the oscars are." i said, "this is my fourth time i've been nominated." literally, they were like, "it wasn't y"it

"no, that's illegal. "dad, i'm going to sue you." "i'm going to sue you for

defamation, always making fun of me." i have a picture of the shirt. people think i make this up. >> jimmy: he made his own merch? >> people think i'm making this up. he was selling this t-shirt outside my show. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, wow, yeah. oh, beautiful shirts. >> beautiful shirt. [ applause ] and it's a piece of tape over it. >> jimmy: is that what's going on? >> and he undercut the price because my shirts were $30, he sold his for $25. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how is his health? last time you were here, you said he overdosed on lasagna. >> this guy, let me tell you something. he came and stayed over our house recently. and he's got this glucose monitor now. >> jimmy: okay. >> now he's got this monitor on his arm where it's crazy. he -- his blood sugar gets like measured in realtime. and the blood sugar gets texted directly to his wife's phone. my stepmom. in realtime will know what my dad is up to.

but he didn't tell us. then when it gets above 100, which is always, it beeps. and it's just beeping and beeping and beeping. then we went to -- i took him to the world series when the yankees were in the world series. he tells me as we're going, "hey, listen, don't be a rat and rat me out to your stepmother about what i'm eating at the ballpark." "i said, "she can see it in realtime, she'll know what you're doing." "don't tell her." first inning, he ordered a jumbo hot dog, a cheeseburger, a cotton candy. this guy's 76 years old. i was like, fbi's going to think you're doing something. cotton candy. like this is illegal. cotton candy and a diet coast. of course. calories. his thing is going to explode off his arm. i see my dad's phone ringing. my dad's hanging it up. hanging it up aggressively. my stepmom calls me. "what is your father eating? "dad, diane wants to know what

you're eating." "tell her i'm having a salad." [ laughter ] and i was like, "he says he's having a salad." [ laughter ] she was like, "it must be a big salad!" and he goes, "yeah, it is." then we get back to my house. and my stepmom is there waiting for him to just give it to him. and she's like, "so you had a salad, you really had a salad?" "you don't believe me?" no, of course not." unzips his pocket, he had a piece of lettuce and tomato in his pocket, "there's the salad." his shirt, a white pinstripe jersey on, mustard, ketchup, hershey's syrup in the belly button. he walks up the stairs to the room and rips the loudest fart i've ever heard. i'm like, there's my dad. that's tampa tony. >> jimmy: i hope he makes it september 11th. "it's just unfortunate" is the special. it premieres february 21st on

hulu. thanks, chris. we'll be back with m.j. lenderman!

norton and chris distefano.

apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next. but first, his album is called "manning fireworks." here with the song "joker lips," m.j. lenderman! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ coward cutting joker lips into a rubber mask ♪ ♪ please don't ask how i'm doing ♪ ♪ draining

from hotel showers hoping for the hours to pass a little faster ♪ ♪ ♪ please don't laugh only half of what i said was a joke ♪ ♪ every catholic knows he could've been pope ♪ ♪ ♪ kahlua shooter d.u.i. scooter with a rolling start on the hill ♪

♪ 'cause this morning's tryna kill me this morning wants to kill me ♪ ♪ and you know i love my tv but all i really wanna see is see you need me ♪ ♪ ♪ yeah you know i love my tv but all i really wanna see is see you need me ♪ ♪ see you need me

see you need me see you need me see you need me ♪ [ cheers and applause ] lines of sweeping immigration changes. right there. you see the beginning of the border wall between the us and mexico. >> alongside law

wasn't your best night." [ laughter ] "it wasn't your best night." nolo. no love, no respect, no respect. >> jimmy: that's great. they know that doesn't make a difference to them? >> i'm like, bring on the asteroid. i'm done with this. >> jimmy: yeah. >> not getting to "deathly hallows." >> jimmy: you need that oscar. you need that to show them, "look at this beautiful trophy that i earned from doing this thing right here." by the way, i thought you were great in that movie. really so great in the movie. [ cheers and applause ]

i felt like -- i was interested in -- you know, because i know about bob dylan. but i didn't really know much about pete seeger. i knew the songs, everyone knows the songs. i found myself looking into pete seeger afterwards. >> yeah, he was a titan of -- as a musician, as a music historian, as a -- as an impresario of folk music. but then also as a -- you know, really as an activist. he, in many ways -- if you were coming up in new york in the '90s like mark ruffalo and i were, pete seger, he was the original artist and environmentalist. he cleaned up the hudson river. so he -- he had a -- he had a huge stature in our circles. whether or not you were into folk music. >> jimmy: would you go see him? >> no, i never -- did i ever see him perform? i may have. but i never met him. >> jimmy: how could you not remember if you saw him or not? >> well, because he would -- this is the crazy thing. mark ruffalo sent me a picture.

he might show up at a party where you were fund-raising for some cause. you know, he was such a man. >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah, he -- he really was one of those people who -- i don't think we have many of today who are -- they view their art as an instrument of public service. you know? and he -- he never was about attainment of fame or money. he believed in using -- in using music to bring people together. >> jimmy: and little did he know that so many years later, two hulks would get together. [ applause ] >> yeah. fanboys. >> jimmy: to appreciate him. >> but you know, i will say -- number one, a lot of people knew pete -- >> jimmy: i always make it dumb. [ laughter ] >> no, it's okay, it's okay. >> jimmy: thank you. >> we'll breeze right on by it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> i think that many people knew pete seger's songs as sung by

others. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> dylan, he wrote -- >> jimmy: peter, paul & mary, right, yeah. >> and i -- but i -- i mean, really was one of the great invitations ever. and it was an enormous privilege to get to hang out in the world of pete seeger and bob dylan and joan baez and get invested and play that mousse glick yeah, yeah. >> you know, it was very special. very, very special. >> jimmy: when we come back are we're going to see a clip of you as pete seeinger in the movie "a complete unknown." edward norton is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back. >> lou: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are delivered to you by pringles and mustaches. ♪ ♪ sometimes the greatest rush... ♪ is not rushing at all. ♪

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♪ ♪ all right? ♪ ♪ there we go, very nice. ♪ add back in the loop. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is edward norton in "a complete unknown" which is in theaters now. nominated for an academy award. is that fun? is it more scary or more fun to

sing in front of an audience? >> much more fun in front of an audience, yeah. you get that experience of the feedback. and all of it. that falsetto, i -- you know, it's like, that's when you get the tight underwear, you know what i mean? [ laughter ] you go to the wardrobe people, you say, "look, just go all the way, i want kid size tonight." [ laughter ] even when i watch it now i'm afraid i'm not going to hit the notes. you know what i mean? >> jimmy: what about the banjo? did you learn to play the banjo? >> i played guitar a long time, so i -- i developed a certain level on the banjo. not kind of steve martin level. >> jimmy: steve's good, yeah. >> and pete seeger, there's one or two things we do where we recreate some of pete seeger's really complicated banjo solos. and i -- i learned -- i'll say this i learned the left hand. the right hand is really, really tricky. but -- >> jimmy: yeah, you -- >> it was great fun. it was great fun to -- >> jimmy: did his family weigh

in? did they see it? >> they were very -- i met his daughters. >> jimmy: oh. >> i didn't get to meet his son, but his daughters were so generous and invited me up to the old family cabin. >> jimmy: so the cabin is a real thing? >> still up there near beacon, new york. >> jimmy: and the toilet, the compost toilet? >> that was a story they shared with us. the people in his life were so incredibly generous. his family, his friends. and it's -- it's difficult to think of people in your life -- like we share norman lear. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> as a friend, i was very close to norman lear w. >> jimmy: yeah. >> there are not that many people that you can't find a person who will say a bad thing about them. >> jimmy: how did you get to know norman lear? >> i knew norman through my grandfather. >> jimmy: oh. >> they were old friends. and -- and when -- and i think when i met him, i was a young actor in new york. kicking around in downtown

theater. and my grandfather said, "norman, this is my grandson, he wants to be an actor." norman said, "terrific, if you're out west, you come see me." i thought, well, this is norman lear, an absolute giant in our trade. and then my first film was called "primal fear" with richard gere. [ cheers and applause ] thanks. i was 25 years old. shooting on the paramount lot. and i am in my -- i'm in a prison, you know, uniform. walking on a break. and i see norman lear's offices on the left. and i just -- i walk in. and i said to the secretary, "would you you tell mr. lear, just tell him his friend --" i give him my grandfather's name. "i'm here, i'm working on the paramount lot, i wanted to say hello, he said to say hello if i'm ever here." suddenly the door burst open, and he comes running out. he says, "you're jim's grandson,

i met you in new york, what are you doing here?" "i'm working on stage 5." "do you have any lines?" [ laughter ] "i've got a few lines." "if it ends up on the cutting room floor this time, don't be worried, you'll get another one." "i don't think this one's ending up on the cutting room floor." [ laughter ] "that's just terrific, i'm glad you got a gig." then i saw him at the oscars that year. and he goes, "you weren't kidding." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but you know, you met him later, but norman, he really was one of those people -- like pete seeger. >> jimmy: yeah. >> he didn't care if you were famous. my point is i was 25, i was nobody. and he treated me like i was family. and he was interested in me. he was invested in me. he was just a beautiful, beautiful human being. >> jimmy: well, it's great to see you. thank you for being here. >> yeah. >> jimmy: the movie, you should see it, it's great. it's called "the complete unknown." it's in theaters now. edward norton, everybody. [ cheers and applause ]

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i found a beautiful latino woman. now i'm proud to say i have three kids, puerto rican. three puerto rican kids. their names are nina, pinta, and santa maria. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there. music from m.j. lenderman is on the way. our next guest is one of the

finest comedians in america. he has a new stand-up special about his life, his family, and overdosing on mountain dew called "it's just unfortunate." >> my girl wants a guy who knows how to build stuff. i don't know how to build anything. i can build walls emotionally. [ laughter ] i'm good at that. you want a wall up? i'll do that, you cannot get in. it's like, no, i've no idea how to build anything. [ bleep ] lululemon. like, i can't help you. she gets mad. the other day i came into the house, she was putting up sheetrock. [ laughter ] i don't even know what sheetrock is. she was putting it up. "are you going to help me?" i was like, "uh, yeah." [ laughter ] i went to the kitchen, i made us lemonades. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "it's just unfortunate" premieres february 21st on hulu. please welcome chris distefano. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> thank you. >> jimmy: this is my guy. >> yeah. >> jimmy: how are you doing? i haven't seen you since you got engaged. >> look, got engaged, folks. [ cheers and applause ] whoo that's it. i did it, baby. i did it finally. we've been together for ten years. we have three kids. [ laughter ] so it was finally time to get serious. and that is the truth. >> jimmy: can i ask how you proposed? >> so, how i did it was -- first of all, we kept going on multiple trips. we would go to italy and puerto rico. i would just never do it. "i really got to surprise her." you know? so i did on it a random monday morning at 7:00 a.m. while she was getting the kids ready for school. it happened to be january 6th. [ laughter ] yes. i stormed the engagement. so i -- i swear, i really did this. and here's the thing. i didn't tell -- i couldn't tell my kids because they would tell her. so i tell my daughter, you know, five minutes before i do it, "i'm going to propose to mommy." she's like," yeah, you solved

your commit many issues." [ laughter ] "yes, i did." "great, we're finally going to be a real family." i was like, "yes." and i was like, "it's going to be great." then my 3-year-old was running around with cheez-its. she was good. then my 14-year-old stepson, "buddy, listen to me. i need you to just sit and film. sit on the couch. i want you to film mom walking in. i'm about to propose to her. so it's a big moment, you know. mom's going to be happy." and he was like, "all right." he was like, "i'll do it, but, like, i'm late for school." [ laughter ] and i was like, "i'll get you an uber." he's like, "all right. i can't be late again." "okay, you won't be late." he's like, "all right." so i have all the kids set up. down on one knee with the ring. jazz is in the kitchen. it's monday morning, 7:00 a.m. she's making the kids sandwiches and doing all this mom stuff. "jazz, can you come in here for a second? we have to talk to you."

"chris, not now, stop messing around, the kids are going to be late for school." "it's going to be fine, come in here." "why do you want to always play games when i have to get the kids out of the house? ." i'm down on one knee, she starts crying, it's amazing. we captured this beautiful moment. it was like this thing, i'm so happy i did it this way. then i get my stepson an uber. [ laughter ] and i ask him to send me the video. i'm like, this is going to be amazing. i was going to post it, send it to my family. it was just the top of our heads. [ laughter ] he just filmed the top of our heads moving. no idea what's happening. all you see is the top of our heads and hear us crying. [ laughter ] you have no idea that there's a ring. nothing at all going on. and i was like, thanks a lot. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: you know what? maybe he's against the marriage. >> you know what? he might be. and honestly, i would understand that.

your job as my stepson is to hate me. [ laughter ] and just constantly say, "hey, you're not my dad." i is. that. >> jimmy: will you have a big wedding? have you started thinking about that? >> so here's the thing, here's the thing. we're trying to plan the wedding. and then i'm doing -- i've had one dream in stand-up comedy ever, and it's so headline madison square garden in new york where i'm from. and i'm headlining madison square garden september 27th, 2025. [ cheers and applause ] i swear. that's true. headlining september 11, 2025. >> jimmy: september 11. >> i know, i propose on january 6th, the show on september 11. so jasmine, i'm talking about the show. doing my podcast from my house. i'm talking about my big show on september 11th, 2025. and she goes -- she pops in, "you know what would be a good idea? let's get married at your show at madison square garden." and i was like, what? i was like, i don't think -- that's not a good idea. "yes, it is." she was like, "your

your family gas going to be there because you have to give them free tickets." by the way, good luck getting tickets. all the tickets are taken. nobody's paid for them, i've given them to my family. i'm going to lose money doing morg. "why don't we just do it at madison square garden?" at first i thought it was a horrible idea. now i'm like, that's a great -- >> jimmy: that's a great idea. >> either that or we were going to get married to my backyard. [ laughter ] if you come to the show, you might see a wedding. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: can i tell you something? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't know if i'll be invited, but i've seen a wedding at madison square garden. >> really? >> jimmy: the ringling bros. circus. they had these two little people named mishu and something else. and they would have them get married, like sometimes twice a day on saturday. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: you could be just like them. >> that's it, i'm chrissy the circus. [ applause ] >> jimmy: so your family, you have a very interesting family. your dad is a real character. >> one of those guys, one of those guys, my dad.

you know, he's watching, i'm sure, if he's not asleep. [ laughter ] i have a show in tampa coming up. i call my dad tampa tony. everybody calls him tampa tony. i'm bringing my whatever. the last time i did tampa theater, "we're going to have to delay the show about 20 minutes, there's a commotion outside." "what's going on?" "your dad's out in front of the theater selling merch." [ laughter ] "it says tampa tony on the shirt." "what?" "he's selling t-shirts outside the venue."