[ female announcer ] ...or this huge. new fiber one 80 calories. yes, you can actually love breakfast. he was tossed from place to place. a child of the streets who never knew love. and now he's found it. >> i see myself being married. >> but the demons from his past -- >> i grew up with anger and hate. >> -- are threatening his future. >> he came in a scared frightened young man. >> tonight a dateline exclusive

will take you inside. >> all i needed was love and all i got was hate. >> painful secrets, raw emotions. you were there on this powerful journey. and you remake his life for love. >> it's amazing. people get their life back. >> back from nowhere. good evening. and welcome to "dateline" i'm ann curry. you're about to see a transmission. the journey of a young man whose childhood was effecting his relationships. and he decided to change for the woman he loved. "dateline" cameras were there getting access to a therapy program that experts claimed could heal the wounds of years in just one intense week. here's keith morrison. ♪ when something is broken and

you try to fix it ♪ ♪ trying to repair it ♪ any way you can >> his name is john. he is up in there somewhere doing his part to build a new wing in a hospital in boston. you'll meet him in a moment. not quite yet. this is what he does. he disappears. he hides. you'll see he has good reason for these things. something that comes from the city. there are some places in baltimore you don't want to go. alleys where commerce is illegal. corners where a person's life story can go one way or it can go another. but the secrets, those go along for the whole ride.

unless -- here he is. this is john. tonight he'll tell his secrets, some of them. as we watch, he'll risk maybe everything for love. >> i'm angry. i'm angry! >> and if it doesn't work, will he ever have the life he wants? he is 30 now, a plumber, engaged to be married. we can see from the start that he is painfully shy. >> you're sitting here kind of an accomplished guy and you've got a nice house and you live with a beautiful woman and you're planning to get married all this sort of thing. how did that happen? >> i don't know. >> given, that is, where he began. >> i started running in the streets, using at 10 or 11. it was a means of taking myself out. just because the drug i started

off with was a very hallucinogenic and took me to another place. >> and yet the story of john, what happened to him, how he got back from that other place changed his life. it's frankly inspiring. given where he was, the nowhere he was headed. >> what was high school like for you? >> i didn't make it to high school. >> oh. how far along did you get? >> eighth grade. >> and after that? >> i just stopped going. >> what'd you do? >> i started working and selling drugs. >> so he was 11, 12, 13. using, dealing, getting by.cc1: >> you don't look like a dealer. were you always this charming and kind of boyish and nice? >> no. not as -- no. not at all. >> so describe yourself to me as a kid out of eighth grade now graduating to a very scary occupation.

what kind of person would i meet? >> angry, angry person. very angry. >> how'd you express that? >> violently. >> problem. you're a problem. >> yes. >> he knew very few people. sold to.bought from orcc1: losers he met on the street. and as he entered his teens in this ugly desperate world -- >> for the most part i was alone. i used and i was a violent person. >> nobody wanted to be with you. >> pretty much. >> he went for years that way in his rage. chaos all around him. he was headedn one direction. only.ctioncc1: an early death and likely prison along the way. >> why do you want to change? >> because i was tired. i was exhausted. of living the life that i lived:

>> it was an older brother getting married, having babies that made him see the possibilities. gave him an idea that maybe there was hope for him too. >> i guess the hope that there drugs.e outside ofcc1: there was life outside of the chaos, the abuse. >> then you found out there was. >> yes. > starting when he was aroundc: 17. day by day, little by little he'd beat back the drugs. and he began to pay attention to some positive things. maybe if he looked and acted more like regular people. >> i would learn manners from tv. respect women and open doors for women. i would pick up little stuff here and there. up.'s how i grewcc1: >> and then he got a job sweeping floors.cc it wasn't much, but at least it was legal.1: and it took awhile, but he was clean for the first time he could remember. and one day somebody on the job needed extra help. and turned to john, the floor sweeper. >> i didn't plan to be a

plumber. it was introduced to me. then i started doing it and i liked doing it. >> more years passed. and then through a friend he met this girl named shannon. and she seemed to like him. >> two months later, i finally got the courage to ask her out.: >> of course when he took her out, it felt like a disaster. >> how'd it feel to be on that date? >> very uncomfortable. >> ask him now about his shannon, the woman he intends to marry, and he doesn't need to say much to tell you how he feels. >> i've learned so much from shannon. she's a wonderful person. >> the fairy tale version of his story would end here happily ever after. but that isn't the story at all. john's been clean now for over nine years. but the past did not go away. he hides, his zones out, or he

rages. what if it ruins his life with shannon? a therapist has recommended he try a treatment called breakthrough. it's intensive group therapy. there will be television ours,cc1: everywhere. we're going to watch. and john, he's come for help keeping the past at bay. will he break through his old emotional habits? or will the habits break him? scary.s cc1: coming up. >> john what will happen? >> i will try. >> what kind of program is this? and what kind of demons will surface now? when "back from nowhere" continues. you could save a bundle with geico's multi-policy discount.

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once, john was a teenage addict and a pusher. a lost boy. then his own doing became a success engaged to the love of his life. but they don't always tell you that the past keeps getting its hooks into you. pushing others away. by driving into southeastern

pennsylvania, john has decided to take a huge risk to try to break that grip to describe hosts at the breakthroughcc1: program house. his stomach was in knots. >> fear. there's a bunch of different feelings. >> but what good might come of it? breakthrough founder and director ann smith. >> it's as if we've put the whole world on hold and people get a chance to say what am i doing? >> here she said john could unlock emotions of the past, leave them, and move on to a better life. maybe. john is the first to show up. and then it's wait for the others. >> when people arrive on sundays, they're in a daze. everything in us wants to run.

>> ellen hawn will be his therapist for the week. she noticed he disappears. behind the baseball cap. >> it was on his head and it was pulled way down. so it was difficult to see his face. it was a great way of hiding. and there was a lot of fear. >> by mid-afternoon, everybody's arrived. there will be nine of them altogether. ranging from early 20s to 60. they've come to deal with problems many of us have. the fallout from failed marriages, addictions, and for a few like john toxic childhoods. we are here, too, of course. cameras, lights, wires, boxes. john and the others are going to allow us to record everything that happens here. the participants have all

received a break on the price. they're introduced, shown their quarters, read the rules. >> do anything like that you like. >> there will be no phones, no blackberries. all time together. and john, he trips up right away. on his phone away from the group. far as he can be. and he is in trouble. it's flashbacks that get to him now as he sits alone on the bench. flashbacks of his violent youth. finally they're called to dinner. where john sits apart. right after dinner, counsellor pat has an assignment for them. and it's a bit odd. she asked them to draw a

representation of their childhood homes. >> those are my brothers. they're chilling because they were high and they were never really coherent. >> my dad died of a brain tumor when i was seven. three years after that, my mom had a new boyfriend and stuff. but i wanted to stop right there for now. >> wendy and tiffany had begun their stories. john sketches a lot of boys with sad faces. and like the others, he opens just a crack, the storybook of his life. >> i got a lot of bunch of different houses because i never stable. always move. >> everything he'll explore this week is hidden here. >> i have five brothers. my mother's boyfriend that we grew up with, he was loud and y cc1:e and abusive towards m mother. as a result of that, my mother was a very angry, addictive person. i got clouds around it because

it was very dark growing up. my dad, i don't have him on this. my real dad. because he died when i was nine. >> i put tears here -- >> each of them has a story. leeching out on to an emotional limb. >> i thank you for getting this good start. i hope you get a good night of sleep. >> next morning, john is up early, cheerful. by the time breakfast is over, he has sunk back into himself. then breakthrough begins in e n earnest. the point suspect to assign blame. the focus is on perceptions of the past. marilyn who's gone through the program herself describes their unusual techniques. among them, family sculptures

designed to help visualize things and how they felt when they were small. >> it's a head thing. hearing it and seeing it, it goes directly to the heart. >> marilyn uses her own family, her own troubled past as an example. >> i will do my sculpture with my mom and dad. i need somebody that's willing to play my dad. somebody to play my dad. okay, ted. thank you. and then i need somebody to play my mom. she didn't want to do it either. [ laughter ] my dad was an alcoholic. it was my job to keep my dad happy so that he wouldn't beat up on my brothers. and that's a big job for a little kid. >> now john and some of the others worked on a sculpture of his family.

>> basically all i did was -- you know. i just went like this. >> if you stayed down there longer, john, what would happen? >> i would cry. >> yeah.cc1: for some people it's huge. they have no idea that some of the emotional stuff they've been carrying around is so big. >> just a few short days to pull it out. there will be more exercises on shame, anger. there'll be emotional letters home. each digging deeper building to the raw intensity of individual breakthrough sessions. >> wednesday and thursday are the big days. that's the big piece for them. >> one thing is very clear. there'll be no privacy. they'll bare their souls, their flaws, their terrors to

everyone. will it save him? or is it more than john can manage? >> okay, john. come out, come out wherever you are. >> they've lost one. john skipped lunch. he's gone. >> did you find john? >> not yet. we're looking. coming up, facing the pain of the past. >> i mention his name and it's like i hit you or something.cc1: cc1:cc1:

it's just after lunch on the first full day of the breakthrough program in southeastern pennsylvania. and they've lost john. he's pulled away again. vanished. >> are you concerned that john's missing? >> they asked us to stay

together as a group. want to try to do so. >> is he hiding today because he's embarrassed, afraid? >> you sort of disappeared there for awhile. >> i went and took a nap even though i wasn't supposed to. just a way i hide and try to get away from people because i'm uncomfortable. >> just easier to be alone. >> very much. yeah. >> he does it at home too, with shannon. he disappears. >> i could have a conversation with shannon and i'll take myself out. just because i'm so used to doing it. >> he has good reason to shy away from the facts of that first home drawing. that uldn't hide from allcc1: on?cc moved from one tenement to another, surrounded by sad and angry and frightened little boys. >> who are these guys? youcc1: have from here up is m brothers. and my mother and my mother's boyfriend. >> paul. >> yes. >> tell me about paul.cc1:

>> what do you want to know? >> that wasn't a happy reaction i saw.cc1: why not? >> he was just a very abusive person. just very abusive. >> i mention his name and it is like i hit you or something.cc1: >> john told us how hurt he'd derisive word paul had for him and him alone. >> i looked up this word of what he called me. and the look of what it was basically stupid. >> did you think he must be

right? >> his father absent, john spent several years in foster care and says his mother was a drug cc1: addict. >> she was more stand offish, no attention. just no love. no love. >> did you ever have family times when everybody was around together having a good time? christmas thatnecc1: i had presents. i don't remember anything else. >> one christmas? >> yes. >> so on that first day at breakthrough, it's no wonder he was hiding. does he want to get all the way into that with these eight people he's known less than a day? the ones who are now trying to find him. >> we're going to give him a group hug. the most uncomfortable thing in the universe. >> oh, he's there. >> hey. >> if you go off by yourself alone again, everybody has to give you a hug then we got to do a group hug. >> all right.

>> reluctantly, john joins the group and heads back to the breakthrough mansion where the work is about to resume. where marilyn and the therapist will poke and prod. >> for this session we're really going to focus on a specific feeling. and that's going to be anger. . >> april goes first. >> i'm not not comfortable at all doing this. >> then wendy. >> it feels silly. >> i know. >> john hangs back. can he do this? he watches the others. >> i'll do it. >> okay. >> i'm angry. >> angry! >> i'm angry!

>> maybe something is giving way. john isn't running now. >> stay connected. all right? that's what a lot of healing is. looking for that acceptance. i can be angry and still be part of this group. >> but the group is about to go to a place called shame. an address john knows very well. >> i'm stupid. those old insults bring new insights. >> i am smart. i am smart. i am smart. >> is john beginning to heal? >> i am so proud of you. >> when "back from nowhere" continues. lysol knows a real clean isn't just something you see... ... it's something you smell. new lysol no mess automatic toilet bowl cleaner

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♪ there's a rule here at the breakthrough program in

southeastern pennsylvania. everyone together all the time. and hour by hour, little by little, john's impulse to flee subsides. it's monday afternoon and though it seems like ages, he's only been here one day. now therapist marilyn hawn tells them the subject is shame. urges feelings of self-loathing and doubt. and she has a curious way to get rid of it. >> close your eyes. start thinking of the shameful messages that you received about you that isn't true. let it seep out of your bodies, out of your arms, and when you're ready, when the pillow is full, let it fall to the floor. >> this time no wavering. john volunteers first. >> doesn't belong to me. >> who does it belong to? >> my mother's boyfriend.

>> what's one message you don't want to carry anymore. >> i'm stupid. >> yes. we're getting rid of it. what would be the opposite of that message? smart.c1:cc1: >> do you believe in that? do you believe that message that you're smart? >> look at each person in the eye and say i am smart. what happens. >> i am smart.cc1: i am smart. i am smart. i am smart. i am smart. i am smart. i am smart. i am smart. >> could it be the old insult meant so much that he really believed it? the therapists have seen how hard it was for john to let that go. and they're pleased with his progress. >> john was very isolated as a kid. he came in a scared, frightened young man. and as he is becoming more vulnerable, he's really making a

connection emotionally with the group. . . morning, tuesday now. despite yesterday's gain, he seems to have taken a step back into his shell. >> good morning, everybody. >> today's assignment. they are to write letters to their parents and read them aloud. >> these letters are open letters and they are not sent. >> they are long letters, brutally heart felt, just as well no one sends them. >> i wish you would have encouraged me not to drink and use my sexual promiscuity to have relationships. >> you witnessed this violence. and is listened to thiscc1: clearly moved. but join in? this time he has almost nothing to say. >> i'm a little embarrassed because i haven't put much effort into it.

all i wrote was -- >> can i just stop you for a minute, john? >> you probably put as much effort into your letters as your parents into parenting you. >> marilyn coaxes him out on to that emotional limb.cc1: where he gets some comfort. >> so let's hear your letter we'll continue on with some feedback, okay? >> my letter? >> uh-huh. your letter. >> there is no letter. it says, you know, all i needed was love. and i all i got was hate. that's it. you know i grew up with that. anger, hate. that's what i picked up. you know? the violence. >> has anybody in here

experienced john as a hateful, violent person? >> no. >> they don't experience you the way you experience you. you grew up with hate and violence and you are not that person. i am so proud of you. and your letters were perfect. >> the group all together of course shares a round of kick ball. john seems relaxed, almost happy. by night fall, a storm rolls in. today was painful. but tomorrow, that will bring a two hour session devoted just to him. either he will have his breakthrough or he won't. >> if we brought people in and went right into tomorrow, it would be too scary for them and

they'd shut down. and nothing would happen. >> john says his flashbacks are now coming fast and hard. is he up to this anymore? >> i was lost. i didn't know i was lost. coming up. a breakdown. >> i just wanted love. ugh?ill it lead to "d breakthrough? when "dateline" continues. covergirls -- it's time to set your lashes free. new natureluxe mousse mascara! luxurious volume with a light-as-air feel. we took out a heavy synthetic and put in a light touch of beeswax. up with the volume, down with the weight. lashes are 20% lighter than the most expensive mascara. new natureluxe mousse mascara. so free your volume! and...your easy breezy beautiful covergirl. and try natureluxe glossbalm.

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it's wednesday morning. right away counsellor marilyn hawn notices something different about john. >> john, congratulations. to be here without your cap on this morning. >> he's taken off his cap. >> to me removing the hat was like becoming free for john. realize it myself. and i was surprised. >> we're going to start working this morning. >> marilyn explains what's in store. she and randy will ask them to role play for one another. to make the family sculptures she demonstrated earlier in the

week to help them visualize what they family looked like when they were small. >> you don't have to be an actor or actress. we'll give you lines if necessary. we might not be using lines. i don't know. >> she asks john to go first. >> do you know how old you are with your first memory? >> maybe five, six. >> marilyn asks him to close his eyes and imagine himself as a 5-year-old. >> what's he wearing? >> shorts and cowboy boots. >> cool. does he like his cowboy boots? >> he loves them. they're the best thing he's ever got. boots? got him the cowboy cc parents.ster1: >> what's he feeling right now? >> sad. lonely. >> is there anyone around him? >> no. >> marilyn begins to tug at what it was that made this little boy so sad. >> what's little john's dad

like? >> real dad or -- >> real dad. >> i don't know. >> you don't know him? >> the only memory i have of him is we bailed him out of jail. >> that's your first memory. bailing him out of jail. >> then death. >> and he died? >> he was murdered, yeah. >> who can play your real dad? >> would you like to do it? >> she tells john to choose someone to play his murdered father. he picks ted. >> is there anything you want to know from your dad? >> what happened? you know? i just want to know why? >> marilyn directs them to trade roles. >> now little john, ask him why? >> why? why? what happened? >> now john is speaking as his own father. >> i was scared.

lost. and i didn't understand myself. >> so ask your dad again. >> the men switch back. now ted again plays john's dad. >> did anything you did have anything to do with your son? >> no. >> do you believe that? >> yeah. it's hard to, but i can believe that. >> yeah. what he did had nothing to do with you. what he did wasn't your fault. did you hear that? >> yeah. >> who can play your mom? >> beth. >> describe your mom. >> she didn't care about us. or about me. she was very violent, angry.

i didn't understand why. >> what does this hand say to you? >> you're not important. >> what does this hand say to you? >> she hits me. it's anger. why are you so angry? >> now john and beth, the woman playing his mother, trade places. >> be your mom. be him. go ahead. >> why? why are you so angry? >> do this. >> it's all i know. that's it. it's all i know. i care, but it's all i know. >> okay. ask your mom. >> why are you so angry? >> john, it's all i know. >> she wasn't that quiet.

>> john, it's all i know. i care, but it's all i know. >> i just wanted love. i tried everything. i just wanted love. >> what do you want to say to her? >> bye. i'm tired. i don't want it anymore. >> john, that's all i know. >> and all i know is to leave. that's it. leave. i'm done. >> so that was what your mom taught you. when you don't know what to do, you leave. who can play your foster parents? >> april. >> as a toddler, john says he was removed from his mother and placed with foster parents. >> can you describe them?

>> they were loving and caring and they cared about me. >> they bought you cowboy boots. >> they bought me cowboy boots. >> john says he was forced to leave those foster parents when he was a little boy. he believes his mother went to court to get him back. he says he missed his foster mother terribly. >> my sense is your foster parents were heartbroken when they had to give you up. so ask her how she feels about you. >> how do you feel about me? >> i love you. >> and after that, john says, came the moment when as a child his heart was broken. >> i do remember one thing about them when i was a kid. >> what? >> that i was taken away and put

with my mother. and i kept calling because i loved them and they told me to stop calling. and it hurt. >> that little kid was so disappointed. he was ripped away from the only love he ever knew. and put back in the abuse again. >> marilyn wants to know, what did john do with all that hurt? >> what did he do? >> running. >> he started running. however he could run, he would run. what a brilliant little kid. >> and there it is. john running away. the core behavior he fears will destroy his life with his fiance

shannon. >> so we're going to de-roll her from your foster mom. now she's your mom of choice, that brought a smile to your face. >> now the rest of them surround him. an imaginary family he doesn't need to run away from. the dreaded group hug isn't so terrible after all. >> you're a great guy. >> there's an energy in the room that you just feel. it's amazing. people get unstuck.cc back. get their life1: >> what did it feel like to open yourself up like that? >> it was like a natural high. i felt free. >> free. something he has rarely felt before. but will it last? >> first thing this morning i wanted to do was leave. coming up. first steps. >> that's a big thing i learn.

>> and second thoughts. >> was it a courageous thing to do? >> back to the real world. when "back from nowhere" continues.

i'm so scared. please help me. >> over the next two days, as the other members in the group have their own individual therapy sessions -- >> who can play your brother? >> john. >> -- john will stand in as family for them too. he'll be father, brother, boyfriend. then it's time to wrap it up. it's thursday night, the last evening at breakthrough. and they are celebrating. there's a power john discovered in a circle such as this.

he is hapless now. grinning even. and he's among new friends. there's a new word for him. >> i would say joy. the joy when we were sitting around the drum circle, i let myself enjoin the moment. >> joy thursday evening. by friday morning, car packed up, he's back to his old emotional tricks. all he wants now is to skip the final meeting and get the hell out of dodge. >> first thing i wanted to do this morning was just leave. >> glad you didn't. >> that's how i felt. just past behavior. running. you know, running. because i didn't want this right here. >> but this time, this once, he stayed put. he made it. >> with john it was wonderful to

watch him blossom. to start speaking all his feelings. and finding out who he really was and removing his cap. >> the therapist who guided him through it offer advice for return to the real world. and most important, begin or continue with therapy right away? there's a group photo. nine smiling, happy people. strangers just a few days before. john tries to hang on to what he's gained. >> that i could be a loving, caring person. that i'm a great person. i have a great child side of me. ♪ i hope everything is going to be all right ♪ >> and so he drives off. the pain of his lost childhood receding further in the rearview mirror. running, not from something, but

to something. his cats, his home, his shannon. where he's found that some of it has carried over. >> having that very, very intensive, raw emotional confrontation with the source of the pain that you've felt for so many years, has it stayed with you since then? >> of course it stayed with me. i opened up a bit there. that's a big thing i learned. i learned that i have a playfulness and i need to enjoy life. >> afterwards, any regret about going through that process and in that kind of public forum? >> yeah. like today. like i still think about it and think why did you do that? now the world is going to see that. people might see it at work. yeah. it's just i guess a regret. >> you regret it because? >> because i opened up to the world. and that's what i did. >> does it strike you that it was an immensely courageous thing to do?

>> people keep telling me that, but i don't look at it like that. >> doesn't feel like that? >> no. because it helped me. so i don't know. i'm not sure why i don't think it's a courageous thing to do. >> and john has continued to work at it with a therapist of his own. he has, by the way, long since reconnected with those foster parents of years ago. the people who bought him the cowboy boots who showed him for the first time what it felt like to be loved. >> i met up with them when i was 18. we have a great relationship. they're my family. >> and now with shannon's help, he is building a life. he can look forward now. >> what do you hope for? >> i see me being married, having a family, my own children. >> how will it be different? different than your upbringing? >> love. they will have love.

>> once he was a lost boy in a world of streets of poverty and dangerous adults. he was one of the neglected. the kind who are so frequently doomed from the start. but there was something in john. he made a choice, took on his troubles. and bit by bit, he's winning. >> it's a pretty amazing resurrection isn't it? >> yeah. it was unbelievable years ago. it was definitely unbelievable. >> did you ever think you'd get this far? >> no. >> and here you are. >> here i am. here i am.

>> and that's all for now. i'm ann curry. for all of us here at nbc news, i'm ann curry. for all of us here at nbc news, thanks for joining us. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com this sunday, america's credit rating is downgraded for the first time ever. it's washington dysfunction that drove the decision. the dow fell more than 500 points in a thursday sell-off. the big question now, are we headed toward another recession? america's out look as the jobs report beats expectations, but unemployment is still above 9%. >> what i want america to know is this, we are going get through this. things will get better. >> analysis from what it means

from austan goolsbee. his last day advising the president was friday. forman chairman of the federal reserve, alan greenspan. and the rest of the panel, the focus? with the economy the way it is, how will it affect the race for the white house. >> with us, msnbcs rachel maddow and alex castellanos. first, the washington debate over jobs, growth and the economy. what can government do? the toxic debt debate, does america trust their leaders to make the tough choices ahead? with us, two former presidential nominees for their party, senator john kerry, democrat of massachusetts and senator john mccain, republican of arizona. captions paid for by nbc-universal television