okay eddie you're on your own. ah come on son after four years. can't you favor us with a smile on your graduation day. [honk honk] hi eddie! [laughter] hi smiley. what's the matter boss, couldn't you tear yourself away.

[laughter] [engine revving] how was the stretchiest time boss--tough! nah! which is why i didn't crash out like always. i was sure expecting you to. nice car. it's all yours. ours. everything we've got. your a swell pal eddie. [sound of crickets] yea i heard all about it. you done a good job while i was gone. and i ain't forgetting it. i did big eddie you're a lot richer than when you went in. we're a lot richer. thanks eddie. oh i forgot to tell you we got a couple of new spots downtown. real class i got the guy waiting to show you the books.

i'll take your word for it, like always. course we got troubles too. i'll take care of the troubles like when we was kids. me and you against everybody eh smiley. sure. got my rod? wearing it right next to my heart. let me have it. sure. [bang. bang. bang. bang] [music] [music]

[dramatic music] [fire roaring] [bubbling noise] [music] [bubbling noise] [music] [music] [music and chanting] [music and chanting]

(woman's voice) just can't understand it walking down the street minding my own business. i step off the curve car comes tearing around the corner against the red light. the cop should have picked up the driver of that car not me. say are you a trustee? yes. how long have you been in this stir? three hundred odd years. gosh it's hot here! gets like this in florida sometimes. florida nah florida never smelled like this. like rotten eggs. precisely young man rotten eggs. the unpleasant odor is caused by h2 s 04.

hydrogen sulfuric acid the most common compound of hydrogen and sulfur. am i right? i poisoned my wife with a sulfur compound. my young wife she was unfaithful. i was a chemist. what do you mean was? before they hanged me. where are the rope marks? young man what is the last thing you remember before they brought you here? smiley. smiley that slimy double-crossing rat. plugging me with my own rod.

where are the bullet holes? well how do you like that!-- he missed. sitting right next to me and he missed. he didn't miss, you're dead. what? we're all dead. listen to this mug will you. it's true only the soul exists down here. gee they always said i'd wind up down here. look i don't care where i am i got to get smiley. there must be some way to cash this can. [music] abandon hope all ye who enter here.

lay off of me screw lay off of me i tell ya. i got to get out of here, i'm getting smiley. lay off of me i tell you i got to get smiley. [music] [music] brrrrrrr

what sort of temperature is that? it's the labor shortage sire especially the boiler room personal. there has been a fearful drop. we are operating at but seventy-three percent of normal. do you want me to catch my death of cold? no sire we're short of condemned souls i abjectly suggest. warden i have no need of your infantile suggestions. i'll attend to this matter myself. my opponent has always through some favored mortal of his tested my prowess. this time it happens to be one judge fredric parker. of the new world. we'll see who goes down to defeat. my beloved sire your powers are wondrous to behold. i have lately been beset by great problems. my adversary is working overtime. but superior though he may be. and though he set up a thousand judge parkers to thwart me.

he must recognize that i am still master, of my own sphere. attitude sire. [kagle yelling] what in my domain is that? [door bangs open] [music] let me go let go of me you dirty coppers! i'll get every one of you. quiet! you can't hold me here all i want to do is get a rat. you can't keep me i'll crash out of here. [struggling] [dramatic music] what is the meaning of this? how dare you bring him here! we had no choice warden. [music]

[music] cast him down into the fire room. into the fifty-fifth circle of darkness. [laughter] [music] i apologize for the intrusion sire. not at all warden pour me a drink. you're not angry? angry? on the contrary i am very pleased. frankly i am delighted... to, what was his name? you mean the doomed soul that was here kagle eddie kagle? eddie kagle. you drink to him a cheap gangster? why not... i love him. [papers shuffle] [thud] ever see that face before? of course he was just here in this room eddie kagle.

wrong warden that happens to be a picture of judge fredric parker. impossible they look exactly. precisely they look exactly alike. and this likeness is just the weapon i need to defeat mr parker. eddie kagle. [music-and chant] [shovels scraping] [music-and chant] [shovels scraping] how hot do they want it down here? it never gets hot enough to suit the boss. you think this is bad wait till they stick you in them hot clay pits way down below.

you mean we ain't at bottom now. there ain't no bottom in this joint. ahh. back-- back to your work! ahh! i ain't taking this no longer. i'm crashing out of this college. nobody crashes out of here. nobody but eddie kagle. he breaks out from every place. i'll crash out with you eddie. who are you? a pal. i don't like pals. you mean like smiley. how do you know about smiley. grape vine i can help you get him. i got somebody i want to get too. we can help each other, is it a deal?

we got to crash first. i know how. nix...the screws. [shovels scraping] well eddie? okay but watch your step one false move and i slug you. i'll be extremely careful. rub that smile off of your mouth. a guy smiled once when he plugged me. certainly come on now. hey are you stir nuts or something that's the furnace. it's the only way come on. [music]

[music]

how long you been down here? since time immemorial. the way you talk you musta had a good education. a most liberal one. i only went to third grade. i went through the whole gambit of learning i know everything. stuck on yourself eh, what's your name?

well i have a number of aliases. i have a long record under the name of mephistopheles greek uh? well there are some who claim i am more of one nation than another. but that's not true eddie i am of all nations play no favorites. you look let a con-man look 'metapopalus' call me nick. you married? millions of women have adored me. quite a guy with the ladies eh? i am a fascinating fellow. look mug playing around with dames is dynamite. but delightful dynamite eddie. [music] live fully while you my and reckon not the cost. deny yourself nothing flame and blaze like a torch and toss the fire about you. omar khayyam said it i'll make the most of what we yet may spend. before we too into the dust descend. you're talking screwy. [laughter] oh is it alright if i laugh occasionally. there ain't nothin to laugh about! i never saw nothing to laugh about my whole life. from the time i left school and ran away from home. on account of my folks was always drunk and fightin i ain't laughed.

all i been doing is trying to be somebody and i did pretty good. worked myself up from where i had nothin to eat. and no place to sleep to top guy in my business. splendid you're a man after my own heart. i wish the world was filled with eddies. how long is it going to take us to get up there? any moment now. [car horn] [street sounds] [footsteps] [knock knock] alright down there send it up. ew, old man schmalhauen must be baking with rotten eggs. smells like the devil too doesn't it? wow them ashes are still hot! hey janitor dash them ashes with water before you send them up. hey i don't feel nothing. of course not you haven't got a body. if i ain't got no body how am i going to get smiley? [sizzle] hey you mug look out what your doing.

no one can see you or hear you until i find you a body. now come on eddie. how you gonna find it? well everyone has his physical counterpart his double. i happen to know where your double is. you mean a guy which looks like me. spitting image. well supposing he don't want to give me his body? he'll be asleep he won't have anything to say about it. what happens when he wakes up? when he wakes up he'll be you. and who will i be? you'll be him. huh? to everyone else you'll be him of course to yourself you'll be yourself. oh!-- hey give me that again will ya. oh stop worrying about it eddie leave everything to me. i leave nothing to you con-man! i am sorry eddie it is this cold air it makes me irritable. i don't like cold climates. i don't feel nothin. and if you ain't got no body neither how come you feel cold? i've been down below so long that even my soul has grown accustomed to the heat.

hey, if i ain't got no body i ain't got no fingers right? right. no fingers no fingerprints, right? right. i can get away with murder. not exactly without fingers you can not squeeze a trigger. yeah i sure want to squeeze a trigger. hey what is this a double-cross this ain't st louie. smiley is in st louie. the body we want is here. and don't you forget you have a little job to do for me first that was our deal. okay i ain't reneging. come on. [street sounds] [voices mumbling]

hey what's the idea of bringing me here? i'm going to get you the fingers to squeeze that trigger. how do you figure getting it in a criminal court? how did i figure getting you out of that jam down below but i did. yeah that was neat. this will be even neater trust me. okay let's go. hey there ain't a seat in the joint. let's sit here. what's the matter with you there are cops in them seats. they won't mind --they won't even know. (attorney) your honor the defendant in this case has failed to establish an alibi.

e testimony nclusively proves at this man was at the scene of the crime. and at the exact time it was committed. therefore i respectfully request the court. that's a lie i'm not going to take anymore of this. [gavel knocks] [murmuring] get a doctor quick! what happened? he collapsed eddie. no judge ever passed out on me. [murmuring] (voice) this court is now adjourned. come on eddie let's go. hey don't give me no orders i do all the leading get me. yes eddie. don't you never forget i'm boss. yes eddie i shouldn't have been so brusque

i've given him a sedative let him sleep awhile then get him home. he will be alright. sure doctor. alright gentlemen. holy smokes. i told you i knew where your double was. if this guy'd a hung around st louie he'd a got bumped instead of me. to bad he didn't. is he the guy you wanna get. yeah what'd he do to ya send ya up. i was sent down not up. hey this guy is a judge. i ain't muscling in on no judges body. what difference does it make it will serve your purpose and mine.

yeah what happens when he gets up and finds i'm him. when we're through him he won't know a thing. not a single blessed solitary thing. what about you ain't you gonna find yourself a body? yes i get one but you first. you're the important one. yeah don't you forget it. i won't forget it eddie. [music] alright what cha doing. fusion eddie the power of heat. i'll fuse you into this man as steel can be fused into steel. relax relax.

[music] [music] oh albert. yes doctor. is miss foster still here? yes sir she is making coffee. oh fine. may inquire how the judge is sir oh good night's rest he'll be alright. oh that's good. run down to the druggist will you? and get this sedative just in case he wakes up. yes doctor. it'll be ready for you. is he still sleeping? yes. there you are. oh thanks.

it's nothing serious i hope matt? hum excellent...no i don't think so. however i have been expecting this for some time. why do you say that? one can only do so much especially one of fred's temperament. when he awakens in the morning. i suggest you pile him into his car and get him away for a couple of weeks. i am only the judges secretary not his wife. if that ring means anything you soon will be. fred can't possibly go away now. why? well with the election only a few days off. the speech at the auditorium tomorrow. now barbara you have always had your own way i suppose you will now. that's not fair matt nobody can stop fred and nobody can push him on. i am the last one who wants to see him hurt or sick. you believe that don't you? of course. i'll bring him to your office first thing in the morning. no no that wouldn't do at all. not all people are ready to accept psychiatry as a normal branch of medicine.

the general impression is i believe that a man who needs a psychiatrist must be crazy. hum ridiculous of course but there you are. and some people are rather reluctant to cast their votes for lunatics. i hadn't noticed. it'd be better if i came here. bye barbara. goodbye matt. albert. yes miss barbara? i'm going home and if the judge awakens during the night please call me. yes miss barbara.

[clock chimes eight] [whistling] [whistling] judge! please sir your appointment is for nine sharp. judge your honor. hum. i hated to wake you sir you were sleeping so peacefully. he did it i got one!

one what sir? you got one too i hope so sir. i can feel myself i'm solid. solid like i used to be. are you quite alright sir? alright sure i'm alright. hey hey what where's nick, hey nick, nick where are you? hey nick. did nick sleep here too. i am afraid i don't follow you sir. you better not i don't like being followed. who are you anyway? really sir. are you gonna tell me or do i slap it out of you. i know, but your man sir and if you'll pardon me your bath is ready sir. i don't need no bath they cleaned me up good

when they laid me out. where's his duds? i beg pardon. his duds-- his rags-- clothes! whose clothes sir? the judges i got to get dressed and get to st louis quick. what am i a judge or an undertaker? ain't he got nothing with fancy strips? fancy strips? ah never mind i'll wear one of these. alright you double-crosser i'm coming for you. here you are sir. what are you gonna do? help you into them sir. scram! but sir i scram! yes sir. [door opens] hello miss barbara this is albert. i don't wish to alarm you but the judge is definitely not himself this morning.

i'm terribly worried about it. oh that'll be splendid and do hurry please thank you. hey you you! yes sir. get me a ticket on the next plane to st louie. but you you i. you work here don't you? really sir? do you! for a good many years. well get it. but your appointment sir. i got an appointment in st louie which comes first. but plane reservations are hard to get especially on such short notice. okay then call the airport and get me a special plane all to myself. come on. hey i'll need some dough, is there any around? why in the usual place. don't give me no double talk, where is the dough. in the safe sir. i don't see no safe. if i seem to be baffled by your. will you shut up and do like i tell you.

where is the strong box? behind the picture sir. there's a flock of pictures. the one with the boat sir. the button sir. got any sand paper? have you forgotten the combination. i don't need no combination this is duck soup. [metal clanging]

please sir. [snap] hey where's the nearest hock shop? you can't possibly leave town today sir. [plane engine]

hello eddie. how did you get here? i never explain my actions. you better explain to me i don't like no surprises. i have many more surprises in store for you if you try to run out on me again. i ain't runnin out on nothin. i was just hopping over to st louie to take care of that rat. that rat can wait parker comes first. besides being up so high makes me uncomfortable. i am much happier down below. scared huh. i abhor altitudes. [engine sputtering] hey what's that? engine trouble sir we'll have to go back to the field. what a strange coincidence. wipe that smile off your mug. i apologize must humbly.

are you sure he said st louis? yes miss barbara. st louis st louis? i can't image what could take him there. and at a time like this with a thousand things to do. you should have done something albert. phoned me or stopped him or something. i tried to miss barbara but he gave me a push and out he went. that's ridiculous the judge is gentility itself he never pushed anybody. he never did any of the things he did this morning. from the first time he awakened he acted peculiarly. go on. when i went to help him dress he told me to scram. the judge said scram! that was the very word he used miss barbara. you're certain you weren't having hallucinations alber i only wish that were true its been most disturbing. i would have called dr higgins but i didn't have the opportunity. i'll call him now. very good miss barbara.

[rotary dial] [music] hello dr higgins please this is barbara foster. not a word to anybody albert. oh heavens no miss barbara. hello matt look i'm at fred's-- no he isn't here. he took a plane for st louis. well that is extraordinary. well don't be unduly alarmed it may be only a passing aberration we'll see when he gets back, let me know the moment he arrives. and let me warn you barbara no matter how strangely he acts don't antagonize him. humor him indulge him. remember you're dealing with someone who is ill perhaps very ill. now you understand now don't you barbara the important thing is patience. i understand matt goodbye. well albert we must be very patient with him.

we will miss barbara. [door buzzer] [music] remember now, not a word to a soul [door bell buzzes] [door slams] your honor did you miss your plane. yeah. albert who is it? the judge is back. darling! oh darling i was so worried about you. who is the dame? your fiancé the girlfriend or rather the judges. go ahead eddie make the most of it she's all yours. hey this is okay

it ain't only a trigger i can squeeze. why darling you've never talked like that before. why are you staring at me? just sizing you up. not bad plenty of curves and all in the right places come here babe. please darling! you don't have to be afraid of me, how bout me and you steppin out tonight. it's been a long time. please fred. fred! your fred. oh that's the judges handle. um hum. who are you talking to dear? nick. oh nick? beat it, scram! yes sir. why fred you never talked to. never mind what i never there's gonna be lots of things you never seen the judge do. you better get used to it. yes dear i'll try.

please fred you're hurting me. eh playing hard to get eh? [laughter] what's so funny? sorry eddie sorry. what's your name? oh really fred. what's your name? oh now you certainly know my name. i wouldn't ask if i knowed. i'll call you rosy. rosy! yeah a little number i used to run around with built just like you. come on come on relax i ain't such a bad guy. now stop it fred! hey who you yellin at. you! i sorry dear. okay. you'll be late. i got lots of time. of course but you're due at the auditorium to deliver your speech. come again. your speech dear it's getting late. i do all my speechin with my rod. i want you to make the speech eddie i'll be behind you.

whispering in your ear it's all part of the plan. hey i think your doing a little too much plannin. on second thought dear maybe it would be best if we postponed it. what do you mean best, if i got to make a speech i'll make it. uh, it'll smell but it's okay. perhaps you better take a few days rest. i'll call the campaign committee and explain. what's the matter what's the matter think i can't do it. i know you can only. only nothin, i can do anything i put my mind on. of course. where do we go? the auditorium. come on we'll give it to them good. come on nick. just who is nick. a con-man i tied in with.

(9 judge parker collapsed on bench now ain't that just too bad. [laughter.] and listen to this editorial, dare we leave the helm of our ship. in the hands of a man whose physical condition is in question. now in the stormiest period in own states history certainly not. and as patriotic citizens we gotta do something about the situations. yeah, now back in st louie. never mind st louie shaggsy, whatever you did back in your hometown we'll do it better here. the point is that we've got to see that the judge stays sick. we got to see that his condition maybe even gets worse. sure boss that's the idea. and we got the judge hanging on the ropes now we got to deliver the ko.

yea. all of which is only to protect the people. now with our boy-- people can go about their business in the pursuit of happiness. which is coming to them with out worry. sure with out worrying. that's right. now he is speaking at the auditorium at two that'll give you plenty of time. put on a good show shaggsey, one more cave in like he had in court yesterday and we'll be dusting off the governor's chair for our boy. [phone rings] come on boys. [phone rings] wait a minute. hello hello sweet heart. it's my wife go ahead and remember i want to hear that the judge has taken a turn for the worst. we'll bring back his teeth come on. [crowd talking] hey imagine me running for governor. darling your too modest come on let's go on the stage. wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute i want to case the joint first. [crowd talking] hey look at that turn out.

[laughter] hey what are you going backwards for stick close. you're giving me the words remember. oh there is his honor now excuse me. hey where are you? please darling. well your honor we are all ready to start. where's nick? their waiting. let' em wait! hey where did he go? is there someone with his honor, i am sure we can find him a seat. oh that'll be fine. darling darling please darling everyone's waiting. i need nick to help me with the words. you have your speech right there. [crowd cheers and applauds] glad to see you got here i was getting a little worried about you.

children you're all ready, come on now, now is the time go ahead. your honor. stand up dear. your honor on behalf of all the boys and girls who are members of the parker clubs. and in gratitude for all you have done for them regardless of who they are. regardless of who they are. and where they come from. and where they come from we want to present you with. [crowd talking] i lost it. [clamoring] oh there it is! gee this watch.

[applause] thank the children darling. thanks kids. your welcome your honor. alright children this way [knock knock knock] fellow americans as the campaign for governor of this great state goes into its final phase. it is an honor and a privilege to speak once again in behalf of the candidate. of the citizen's better government committee. judge fredric parker. [crowd cheers and applauds] the whole country knows of the famous parker youth foundation.

created by our candidate ten years ago. this one organization has reduced juvenile crime 97 percent since it was founded. [crowd cheers and applauds] because judge parker is a man who understands. that juvenile delinquency is not a matter of bad boys and good boys. but rather a matter of bad conditions and good conditions. he is a man revered and loved by his friends. respected and feared by his enemies. a man of countless virtues. [clamoring] ladies and gentlemen as we have just seen one of judge parker's numerous virtues is his modesty. what's the idea of letting me down.

i'm not letting you down far from it. what about this? throw it away go out there and tell them off. tell them off what'll i say? surely i don't have to tell you that. these people sent you to prison eddie they are your enemies. the thou shalt not gang, the law and order brigade they hate you, they have always hated you. now is your chance to tell them what you think of them. you're not afraid i ain't afraid of nothing. then go out there and give it to them. call them by their right names call them every name you can think of. yeah it is my privilege to introduce the next governor of this great state judge fredric parker. i'll tell'em. [crowd cheers and applauds] [knock knock knock] [cheers, applause]

[knock knock knock] [cheers, applause] [knock knock knock] [cheers, applause] [knock knock knock] listen all of you i gonna tell you a few things. [commotion] [crowd screams] hey you! he's using jujitsu [fight sounds] [fight sounds]

stop it eddie stop it they are your friends! you're crazy [punch] see that! take it eddie take it! [girls screaming] it's not you there after it's the judge. yea but i'm getting the punches. but you're making a hero of the judge. do ya want'm to make mincemeat of me. [thud] [screams] idiot. [sirens] the cops beat it beat it. on your feet get out of here get going. [music] no i won't need that now mr kramer thanks. are you hurt very much your honor? nah. are you sure you're alright dear? are you able to walk? sure sure. gee judge your honor you're a champ.

may i kiss you? the judge don't want girls to kiss him. you go right ahead dear if you want to. [music] come on babe hey where's nick? oh never mind nick now dear please. well he was with me. [door squeaks] albert get me some antiseptic and some bandages quickly. yes miss barbara. darling you were magnificent but you know you weren't cut out for that sort of thing. you know somebody who could have done it better? no dear but i'm afraid of the after affects i know you're goinna be ill. hey i ain't never been sick in my life. but fred you were just. i'm glad nick ain't here. darling what's come over you. oh.

what's this hey get that junk out of here and get me a drink. mineral water sir. i said a drink bourbon. but fred you don't drink! you just watch me and some cigars. but fred you can't smoke or drink, you know that. are you kidding what are you standing there for? get! darling please you'll only make yourself ill. stop worrying rosy. fred! hey how about some smooching. darling you have changed--oh [glass clanging] [glass clanging]

want a shot? i wish you won't dear you've had enough excitement for one day. i ain't started yet, take a powder. take a powder sir? oh you mean scram. here's luck rosy. be careful dear. i can do this all day. [coughing] [coughing] that's funny i never choked on this before

[coughing] what kind of a body did that lug slip me any how? i better have albert put you to bed. hey i ain't sleepy-- you feel good. i've got to get home dear. home don't you live here? you know perfectly well i don't live here. that judge must be screwy, or something. you ain't going home rosy. i am going home and the sooner the better. hey what a minute hey! darling oh fred i told you. that's alright i'm alright you don't have to worry about me. [babbling] [thud] miss barbara what happened?

his honor just passed out.