technology designed for you. so you can easily master the way you bank. five seconds!! >> tank you, tank you, tank you. welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to "the lawrence welk show's" tribute to mother's day. coming up later, the marvelous jugglettes. wonderful. well, now, before we continue our mother's day show, i'd like to say something to my mother, "mother, tank you."

did you notice i can say the t-h in mother, but when i try to say "thank you," i say "tank you." that's weird. and now here to sing a semi-nice mother's day song is gary corndeensen, accompanied by the maharelle sisters and a very special guest. a one, and a two, and a three, and a... [ mid-tempo music plays ] >> ♪ it comes once a year ♪ a whole day for mother dears ♪ ♪ i'm talking mother's day >> thank you, young man. [ cheers and applause ] >> ♪ well, hello, how are you? >> ♪ i'm a kinder mother, too >> ♪ then happy mother's day >> ♪ it's the best job

in the world ♪ ♪ i've got four gorgeous girls ♪ here come my daughters now ♪ daughters? >> ♪ i'm janet >> ♪ i'm peggy >> ♪ i'm clara >> ♪ and i'm dooneese >> ♪ and that's dooneese >> ♪ i'm sure you have a lot to say about your mother on this day ♪ ♪ tell me why you love her >> ♪ her apple pie is the best >> ♪ she tucks me in at night >> ♪ she gives me good advice >> ♪ i'm only allowed upstairs >> no! no.

>> ♪ before this day comes to an end ♪ ♪ we'd like to say once again >> ♪ we love you >> ♪ we love you >> ♪ we love you >> ♪ i had a worm in my hair ♪ and i slept on the worm ♪ and then i found it in my soup ♪ ♪ and then i sat down on a hot piece of tin ♪ ♪ and then my skirt inched up ♪ and my panties got hot ♪ so i went in the freezer, where i ate a big onion ♪ ♪ is that bad to do, do, do? >> that was wonderful, but i really think that girl should consider bangs. coming up next, tiny tamatrina and her traveling face organ. and one more thing -- >> live from new york, it's "saturday night"!

[ music plays ] >> it's "saturday night live"... with...

featuring... musical guest...jay-z. and your host...betty white. ladies and gentlemen, betty white. [ cheers and applause ]

>> thank you, thank you, thank you! thank you very much. i can't believe this. i just can't believe i am hosting "saturday night live." i'm not sure, you -- many of you know that i'm -- i'm 88 1/2 years old, so it's, well, it's great to be here for a number of reasons. you know, i'm not new to live tv. in 1952 i starred in my first live sitcom, which was "life of elizabeth." and, of course, back then we didn't want to do it live. we just didn't know how to tape things. so i don't know what this show's excuse is. you know, i have so many people

to thank for being here, but i really have to thank facebook. [ cheers and applause ] when i first heard about the campaign to get me to host "saturday night live", i didn't know what facebook was. and now that i do know what it is, i have to say, it sounds like a huge waste of time. i would never say that people on it are losers, but that's only because i'm polite. people say, "but, betty, facebook is a great way to connect with old friends." well, at my age, if i want to connect with old friends i need a ouija board. needless to say, we didn't have facebook when i was growing up. we had phonebook, but you wouldn't waste an afternoon

on it. facebook just sounds like a drag. in my day, seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment. and when we were kids, we didn't say we were single. we were just kids. it was weird if you weren't single. yes, we had poking, but it wasn't something you did on a computer. it was something you did on a hayride, under a blanket. oh, sorry. things were a lot different when i was growing up. my father, horace, was a traveling salesman who moved our family to california during the great depression. i mean, that's the kind of stuff you only read about in novels. and, to think, i've lived through a world war, worked on radio, and films,

on "mary tyler moore," and "the golden girls." [ cheers and applause ] and now i'm here tonight because you wanted me to be. [ cheers and applause ] i really just want to say i feel so loved. thank you. if i could, i would take you all on a big hayride. starting with you, sir. no, not you. you. guess what -- jay-z is here. [ cheers and applause ] and if i had a dime for every time i've said that, i'd have one dime, which wasn't anything to shake a stick at in my day. we have a great show for you tonight, so stick around and

we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] >> ♪ macgruber ♪ making life-saving inventions out of household materials ♪ ♪ macgruber ♪ getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations ♪ ♪ macgruber ♪ he's working with his grandma now ♪ ♪ macgruber [ siren blaring ] >> macgruber, this door is sealed shut. >> and from the looks of that time bomb, we've only got 20 seconds. >> okay, don't worry, gang, the only bombs we're gonna have to watch out for are the saki bombs that we're gonna drink after we get out of here. and we will get out of here. >> fifteen seconds, macgruber. >> okay. vicky, hand me that bottle cap. >> you got it, macgruber. >> okay. nana. >> macgruber, what do we say when someone does something nice for us? >> right, right, thank you, vicky, for the bottle cap. >> you're welcome, macgruber. >> nana, scooter me over that gum wrapper. >> macgruber? >> please, please. okay, vicky, please, that eraser, thank you. >> you got it, macgruber.

you're welcome. >> okay, let's see what we got here. >> you know, he used to finger-paint on the walls with his little poopies. >> nana, now is not the time. >> we called him "poop-casso." >> she didn't say that. >> he breastfed until he was 12 years old. >> okay, can we focus, please? >> he had his first kiss when he was 16. how is barry, by the way? >> nana, i'm asking you very nicely, please, thank you, stop. >> did you know, when he was born, they thought he was a girl for two whole months 'cause they couldn't find his wee-wee. >> nana! >> it's called micro-penis. >> shut the hell up, you old lady, with your white hair and your walking problem. >> macgruber. >> i'm sorry, nana. i'm under a lot of stress here. i mean, i gotta defuse this bomb. >> ♪ macgruber [ music plays ] ♪ hey... hey! ♪

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[ classical music plays ] >> hello, i'm margaret jo mccullen. >> and i'm teri rialto. >> and you're listening to "the delicious dish" on national public radio. >> well, teri, tomorrow is the first sunday in may, and it's one of our favorite holidays on "delicious dish." >> that's right, margaret jo. every year, for one day, we

celebrate and say thank you to... >> dietary fiber. >> as you all know, sunday is national dietary fiber day, and we've celebrated that together for years. >> yeah. and even though we've been friends for a long time, you could say our shared love of fiber keeps our relationship "bran" new. >> that's funny. >> thanks. >> you took the "d" off brand and made it bran. >> bingo. >> did you just come up with that joke? >> no, i got the idea the day after last day's -- last year's dietary fiber day show, and so i had to wait till now. so, teri, what's your favorite kind of fiber? >> i like quinoa. >> whoa. >> i threw you, didn't i? you thought i was gonna say barley. >> yeah. that was a real game changer. >> more like grain changer.

>> good one. you're lucky you thought of that joke today. >> yeah. it's neat. >> it's fun. >> good times. >> happy fiber day. >> oh, to you, too. >> thanks. our guest today is a little bit of a rock star in the confectionery world. >> no kidding. she can shake it, break it, and sprinkle it, child. >> please welcome florence dusty, from dusty's old-time bakery. >> hi, florence. >> hi, florence. >> thank you for having me. >> florence, what delicious treat are you going to share with us today? >> well, a lot of people like my pumpkin pie, and of course, my carrot cake is obviously legendary. but if there's one thing i'm known for, it's my muffin. >> wow.

get a whiff of that. >> pretty intense, right? >> mmm, i can't wait to taste your muffin. mmm, wow. warm. yummy. >> it's surprisingly salty. i mean that in a very good way. >> your muffin is remarkably velvety. >> it's true. i think we both assumed, and i think wrongfully, that a baker of your generation might tend towards a more dry or crusty muffin. >> well, that's true. many bakers from my era have dry or even yeasty muffins. >> a yeasty muffin can really ruin your whole day. >> sometimes your week. >> wow, the phone lines are really lighting up. >> we can get to those later.

>> florence, there's a tangy taste in this muffin. is that a cherry? >> no, no, my muffin hasn't had a cherry since 1939. >> your muffin sure has seen a lot. >> mmm, your muffin just squirted in my mouth. >> it happens. >> i guess i'm eating it the right way. >> yeah, go to town. >> you know, i don't talk about it a lot, but i went through a pretty major muffin phase in college. >> i would have guessed that based on your appearance. >> it's the haircut. >> now, you're unveiling your new muffin today. are you nervous about how it will be received?

>> well, you know, girls, when i was younger, i was so concerned with how my muffin looked. but as i got older, i started to think, "to heck with it. this is my muffin, and i don't care how it looks. i'm just gonna let it all hang out." >> that's really progressive. >> you go, sister. >> that's right, child. i'm florence dusty, i'm 88 1/2 years old, and i'm proud to unveil my giant dusty muffin. >> that's gorgeous. just look at that. >> timeless. a lot went into that. >> a whole lot a business. >> well, ladies, as i used to say to my loving husband, irving, of 55 years, "what are you waiting for, stupid? eat it." >> god bless. good times. >> god bless you. >> well, thank you so much, florence, and, to our

listeners, don't worry, we'll be sure to post some really sweet muffin shots online later. >> good times. >> that's all for "delicious dish." join us next week, when we'll be talking about... >> pork buns. >> not a fan. [ classical music plays ] >> ♪ macgruber ♪ working with his grandma's put a strain on their relationship ♪ ♪ macgruber ♪ she's telling lots of stories that are really embarrassing ♪ ♪ macgruber ♪ he's losing all his street cred ♪ ♪ macgruber [ siren blaring ] >> macgruber, this door is magnet-locked. >> and from the looks of that mini-hydrogen bomb, we've got about 20 seconds. >> don't worry, gang, we will get out of here. and we'll do it together. right, nana? >> fifteen seconds, macgruber. >> okay, vicky, please, hand me that paper clip. thank you. >> you got it, macgruber. >> macgruber? do you still have scars from

when you had your breast reduction surgery? >> nana, no, i don't, because i never had one. >> oh, he's embarrassed. >> we have gone over this before. this is not story time. we are trying to defuse a freaking bomb here. so just stay over there and keep your mouth shut. >> ten seconds, macgruber. >> okay, vicky, please hand me that cord. thank you. >> here you go, macgruber. >> nana. >> oh, my god. >> she's just playing dead. she does this all the time for attention. good job, nana. really mature. 88 years old. really freakin' mature. everyone knows you're still alive. check her pulse just in case. i saw that. ha ha! i win. ♪ macgruber [ music plays ]

♪ ♪ long live the pioneers ♪ rebels and mutineers ♪ go forth and have no fear ♪ come close and lend an ear ♪ and i said hey, hey hey hey ♪ living like we're renegades ♪ renegades

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>> whatever. >> yeah, simultaneous "whatever," okay, all right, look. somehow you still don't get it, do ya, huh? so i invited two representatives from the scared straight program to come talk to you animals. macintosh. grandmammie macintosh. you want to get in here? >> all right, here it comes. you all right, grammy? all right now. my name is lorenzo macintosh. >> and i'm his grandmother, loretta macintosh. >> but you can call us yo' wedding day, 'cause you gonna get something old, something new... >> something black and something blue. >> now, what are they in here for? >> we beat up a kid 'cause he's poor. >> hey. boy, shut yo' -- shut yo' damn mouth. what, you think we've never been poor? when i was young, my family was so poor that all four of my grandparents had to sleep head to toe in the same bed. >> i remember that. >> then one day, i was eating

a bar of chocolate and i found a ticket inside of it. i believe it was silver or bronze or something like that. >> it was golden. >> that's what i said. it was a golden ticket. pretty soon me and four other kids are touring a funky candy factory and some little orange dudes are teaching us lessons via song. is that what you want? hmm? hmm? you almost die from fizzy lifting drink and slugworth wants your everlasting gobstopper? 'cause this here is real. >> okay, so, yeah, that's just "willy wonka and the chocolate factory." >> whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. >> oh, no. >> whoo, man! >> no way, no way. >> boy, you better close yo' damn mouth, or you be wonkin' some willies, all right. and they gonna be touring your chocolate factory and ving you an everlasting butt-stopper. >> no. >> man, they gonna ride you like a wonka-vator. sideways, slantways, three ways, and ten ways. >> and the tiny people won't be orange, they'll be freaky hispanic and chinese dudes. >> yeah, they gonna dance

around you in the communal shower and sing, "prison, prison, doopah-dee-doo. a gang of jamaicans is coming for you." >> they'll take you to the boiler room and lay you down flat. >> what does your rear end think of that? it doesn't like the looks of it. >> hey, macintosh! come on, man, you can't do that to a children's song. >> oh, hey, that's on me, chief. here's the ocean, i crossed it. now all the natives got small pox. [ laughing ] >> now, which one of y'all is the ring leader? boy, get up here. >> ah, so you think you're the bees' knees? you hippie. >> yeah, so what? i'm fed up with this one-horse town. >> now hush up. you think i've never felt stuck in a small town? >> uh-huh. >> well, i recall my childhood in rural kansas. i was bored to tears. till all of a sudden a twister hit. it carried me to a magical land

full of witches and wizards. is that what you want? is it? you're following a lion, a tin man, and a scarecrow down a yellow brick road. because this here, this right here, this is real. >> okay, that's "wizard of oz." >> [ screaming ] no, it's not. ain't no "wizard of oz." no. you do not interrupt one of grammy's stories. >> you keep that up and you'll be playing twister on the floor of the prison bathroom. >> yeah, that's right. and it won't be no lion, a tin man, and a scarecrow. it'll be you lying down, while ten men make you a scared ho. >> and don't look behind the shower curtain or you'll meet the wonderful wizard of ass. >> whoa! hey! macintoshes. come on.

good lord. you kiss your grandmother with that mouth? >> yes, he does. >> aww. >> i love you, grammy. all right, we out. >> uh-huh. okay. thank you. thank you. yours? >> wizard of ass. >> hey! >> ♪ macgruber ♪ he's still working with his grandma but it's gotten really tense ♪ ♪ macgruber ♪ they haven't really spoken for a couple of weeks now ♪ ♪ macgruber ♪ he never had a breast reduction ♪ ♪ macgruber [ siren blaring ] >> vicky, the door's locked. how many seconds before macgruber fails to defuse the bomb? >> okay, this has gone far enough. look, seeing as it's mother's day, i think it's time to end our little feud. nana, you are so special to me.