? >> jimmy: get me the hat. and the bush. all right, and the stakes. >> no, no, not the stakes. >> give me the stakes. >> okay. and the wig. the sensible pantsuit and the statement pearls. the e-mails.

anthony weiner's laptop too. >> guillermo: jimmy, you're crazy, you cannot burn all of this. >> jimmy: i have to. it will set us free. >> guillermo: i cannot believe it's over. >> jimmy: it's over, guillermo. and i'll tell you something. no one will ever build a wall between us. >> guillermo: that's right, jimmy. >> jimmy: let's go do the show. >> guillermo: let's go do the show. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, robert de niro. co-host of the amas, gigi hadid. and music from willie nelson. and now, for the most part,

[ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: very nice. appreciate it. welcome. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. i have to tell you something. i had the weirdest, weirdest dream last night. remember that guy who used to host "the apprentice"? i dreamed we elected him president. and you were there, and you were th [ laughter ] cleto, you weren't there either and your father wasn't there either. but everyone -- wow, what the hell happened? the hats worked. those stupid hats. those hats that looked like they were printed at a kiosk in the middle of a westfield mall. turns out they were magic, like frosty the snowman. last night donald trump reached out and grabbed america by the -- virginia. [ laughter ] to somehow become president of the united states.

about this? i don't want to spoil it. [ laughter ] should have said spoiler alert. i watched news coverage all night last night. it was especially interesting to watch the change in tone as the night progressed. they started out upbeat. as the evening went on and the results came in, every anchor looked like a child slowly realizing that no one was showing up to his birthday party. [ laughter ] it was a big surprise. i think it was even a big surprise to donald trump. did you see his victory speech? he didn't want this. he wanted to win but he doesn't actually want to be president. this was not the plan for the remainder of his life. his plan was to go home to miralago, play 5,000 rounds of golf, phone into trump tv every morning for ten years, then die on the toilet. that was his plan. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there's no way he thought he was going to -- there's just no way even he thought he was going to win this. he totally wrote that victory speech on his hand 30 seconds before walking out. did you see his son? his little son baron on stage?

there's his son. it's very cute kid, but it looked like they told him he was going to have to move away from his friends two minutes before they pushed him out on the stage. [ laughter ] he's not excited about any of this. trump won the electoral college by a fairly wide margin, even though hillary clinton won the popular vote. turns out it's not a popularity contest, folks. it was a stunning upset. i think in hindsight, i think the problem for hillary was -- it's easy to say now but she didn't have enough celebrities supporting her. [ laughter ] that really was -- so many people said they'd move to canada if trump won. all over hollywood today, movie and tv stars were googling, is there gluten in pouti in. e? hillary underperformed among women, african-americans, hispanics and young voters. really the only place she did very well was among pollsters. she's polls, all these polls,

"washington post," bloom bearing, reuters, they all had hillary clinton ahead. they were all completely wrong. they should shut that fivethirtyeight.com down. that website should be closed in disgrace, like abu ghraib. turns out these poll numbers you're refreshing in your browser constantly are no different that those experiments where they make hamsters ring a bell for a dropper full of sugar water. it's meaningless. nate silver has been downgraded to nate bronze. the only poll that got it right was the even that, predicting who's going to be president is like people who tell you they know what sex your baby is going to be. these women are like, it's a girl, i'm telling you. yeah, there are only two choices so it's not exactly a leap. give me some lottery numbers that will win, we'll talk. we thought we were having a girl. and we got a boy instead last night. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] one thing i do know is i'm never trusting these polls again.

somehow i feel like this is all ken bone's fault, right? actually, we do know where the scales tipped. let's go now to our magic wall to show you how it happened. come over here and i'll explain the whole thing. [ cheers and applause ] this is the united states of america. so let's take a look at the state of california. okay, we'll zoom -- okay. where aet where'd it go? zoom in on l.a. county. let's move in even hollywood. you can see that's hollywood. and let's zoom in even close over hollywood. okay. now this is our theater. [ cheers and applause ] so that's us. and let's zoom in even closer now here, because now this is -- you see this guy? this is the guy who tipped the scales in favor of donald trump. right there. [ cheers and applause ]

this election really divided people. even families. this is a good indication of that. cnn caught up with a couple in line to vote in pennsylvania who when it came to politics seemed to have irreconcilable differences. >> why are you voting for donald trump? >> he's the best there is right now. come on, we need somebody strong, we need our country that can be our country again and not owing all the other countries. >> aren't you excited for the first female president? >> no! >> i am. >> jimmy: someone slept on the couch last night, i'm just not sure who. a lot of voters woke up this morning happy donald trump won the election. the other half of them, especially in california, were very upset, shocked, despondent, crying. there was a lot sorrow in the air today. and it's natural, when everyone goes through this sort of thing at some point, we're not so different. so i thought it might be helpful to take you through what they

stage one is of course denial. as in, no, the host of "celebrity apprentice" is not our president, he can't possibly be cnn must have the map wrong, they must have missed a county or something, wolf blitzer, please tell us you missed a county! but of course wolf didn't miss a county. he's wolf, he doesn't miss counties. and then when denial passes we move to stage two which is anger. who do i blame for this? bernie supporters? the fbi? gary johnson? jill stein? how is it boss that i believe half the country was too b even vote? they all managed to play pokemon go. then you go on facebook and you curse at the uncle you used to love when you were a kid. when that's done, the next stage, bargaining. maybe this needed to happen to wake everyone up. maybe this is a good thing. maybe he'll only build the wall waist-high to keep short people out. [ laughter ] search for a ray of light that kind of thing. but then depression sets in. stage four.

and start eating peanut butter out of the jar. a whole box of froot loops in bed. rou you wallow until you reach stage five, acceptance. no matter how you feel about it, donald trump is the president of the united states of america, so thank god we legalized marijuana yesterday. [ cheers and applause ] this was a fun moment from nbc's election night coverage. live report from democracy plaza where freedom and chaos reigned. >> i want to take you through the crowd here and show you some of the voters. we've got a lot of clinton voters over here. we've got some trump supporters behind us. and what we find is about 50% of this country, 60% of this country, believe that this country will be divided when we wake up tomorrow. and so this is an area -- oh! >> jimmy: he voted for boozeman.

new york for election day. donald trump went to the polls with his wife melania, the news cameras caught him on camera looking. a lot of people speculated that he was looking at her ballot. he wasn't looking at her ballot, he was looking down her shirt. poor melania, i've been thinking about her a lot. she had it made. except for the part where donald trump claimed on top of her between four and seven times a month, she had it made. now she's got to move out of their apartment in new york, she has to host diplomats and spearhead initiatives, she has to hug poor people, which is gross. she can't go to barney's or saks or bergdorf goodman. she'll have to cut back on nannies. this is a disaster for her. bill clinton, he had big plans the moment that air force one left the tarmac, he was ready to celebrate. and -- but it's not to be not to

one guy hosel greating is russian president vladimir putin. he has some kind of weird long-distance relationship with donald trump. he was quick to congratulate his new friend from moscow today. [ speaking russian ] >> translator: this was so much easier than we thought it would be. [ speaking russian ] >> translator: congratulations to mr. spaghetti hair on his hilarious victory. [ speaking russian ] >> translator: i look forward with him to destroying the moon. >> jimmy: well. he's such a good boyfriend, he really is. we have a strong post-election show for you tonight. the great robert de niro is here. [ cheers and applause ] on a personal note, my birthday is on sunday. and mr. de niro is one of my favorite actors, kind enough to take some time out of his busy schedule to record a special message for me, which i'll share it with you, very sweet. >> he's so blatantly stupid.

he's a dog. he's a pig. he's a con, a bull [ bleep ] artist, a muck, he's an embarrassment to this country. it makes me so angry that this country has gotten to this point that this fool, this bozo, has wound up where he has. i'd like to punch him in the face. >> jimmy: oh. well, thank you, robert. [ cheers and applause ] supermodel gigi hadid and music from willie nelson. [ cheers and applause ] a lot happened last night. and there are a lot of questions to be answered. but none of them are bigger than a question that has been presented to me multiple times today. that is, what does the result of this election mean from my historic solo bid for vice president of the united states? and the answer is, it doesn't mean anything at all, because i'm still running. hillary can give up. i don't give up. i don't concede. i run until i win. so i hereby announce that the committee to elect kimmel vice

will heretofore be known as kimmel for vice president 2020! thank you! [ cheers and applause ] and this time i'm going to sell hats! all right. we have to take a break. when we come back we have legalized marijuana in california for everyone, not just those with a fake doctor's note. and we close out this election "animal house" style so stick around, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ? coming up on "look! famous people!" we catch flo, the progressive girl, at the supermarket buying cheese. scandal alert! flo likes dairy?! woman: busted! [ laughter ] right afterwards we caught her riding shotgun with a mystery man. oh, yeah! [ indistinct shouting ] is this your chauffeur? what?! no, i was just showing him how easy it is to save with snapshot from progressive. you just plug it in and it gives you a rate based on your driving.

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so you can give a little more this holiday. kohl's. there is no typical day. there's nothing typical about making movies. i'm victoria alonso and i'm an executive producer at marvel studios. we are very much hands on producers. if my office becomes a plane or an airport the surface pro is perfect, fast and portable but also light. you don't do 14 hours a day 7 days a week for decades if you don't feel it in your heart.

>> jimmy: hi, there. thank you, welcome back. robert de niro, gigi hadid, music from willie nelson on the

first an update on local politics. in addition to the race for president we had a number of measures and proposition on this bat lot here in california. yesterday we voted to legalize marijuana for recreational use. it used to be -- [ cheers and applause ] -- for medical use only, now it's for recreation. just like michelle obama said. when they go low, we get high. [ laughter ] yesterday, california, massachusetts, and nevada voted to legalize pot. which is very good, especially for nevada. i'm glad they finally came up with a way to cut loose in las [ laughter ] normally this kind of thing would get a lot of attention. but donald trump's victory overshadowed that decision. even for the people here in california to whom it mattered most. >> [ bleep ]. i may move to canada, [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. they show you what they really give a [ bleep ] about. >> do you understand we just legalized marijuana in california and snoop dogg so is upset he wants to move? that's serious.

we just legalized marijuana, smoke weed every day. so finally snoop dogg can smoke weed every day. on the ballot, prop 60, which is the one that would have required use of condoms in porn graphic films. that did not pass which is significant because it would have been a huge to the adult film industry. and they have plenty of those already. porn actors will not have to wear how weird would it be if that's the first thing trump overturns? you put these on right now! donald trump may be president-elect but to me the big winner last night was the young man you're about to see. this is from nbc chicago's coverage of a local election there. the victory party that the whole family could enjoy. >> he was ahead in lake county, he was always ahead in cook county, and he ended up pulling out this win feeling very good about this. he talked about the win and the

a lot of people felt like that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the question now is, what's next? trump is expected to meet with president obama tomorrow at the white house. our first african-american president will be forced to pass the keys to a man who questioned his very citizenship, which will be very awkward. at the very least i have to imagine obama will let beau his dog go to the bathroom a few time on this the rug in the oval office building the wall and assembling his cabinet, taking down the paintings of the previous presidents, replace them with portraits of himself playing golf. no matter how you feel about the result of this election, the good news is the election is over. it's done. [ cheers and applause ] finally we can look to the future. what will the future hold for those we've got to know know so well the last 18 months, the characters from this election? nobody knows for sure. fy had to guess, that guess

? well ? and it wasn't her fault! ? you make me want to kick my heels up ? >> stand up, melania, come on she took a lot of abuse. ? ? jump ? >> the price of coal is down worldwide. >> the thing that people tell me is this. well ? ? say that you love me say that you need me ? >> you look like hillary clinton one of one of those long answers, rrrrrrr! ? come on now i still remember ? >> what do you think you took away from today? >> my luggage!

>> we're not doing the obligatory political stand there with a gun, finger on the trigger. >> geez. ? i want you to know ? >> so here i am. a little new to the convention scene. ? >> everything's right in the world again. >> we beat hillary clinton now by 2 points -- ? ?

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a good show tonight. . we have music from willie nelson, gigi hadid is here, we'll be right back with robert

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