>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- zach galifianakis. from "dirty grandpa," aubrey plaza. and music from weezer. with cleto and the cletones. and now, you may or may not know, here's jimmy kimmel!

>> jimmy: thank you. thanks to all of you for coming to visit us here. in california where award season upon us. academy awards are not until next month but there's a major controversy. this year for the second year in a row all the acting nominees are white. some of them are very white, like -- some of them are like unforgivably white. and so jada pinkett smith made a video about this and spike lee made a video and even snoop dogg is upset. >> watch the [ bleep ] oscars. no, why do i watch that [ bleep ] for. it ain't got no [ bleep ] nominated. all the great [ bleep ] stealing from us, [ bleep ] you, [ bleep ] you. >> jimmy: he doesn't mean us. he means them.

still upset about getting snubbed for "soul plane." while there's a lot of actor directed at the academy right now whose fault is this? is this the academy's fault, hollywood's fault for not giving them enough roles to warrant more consideration, or is it matt damon's fault which i kind of think some of it -- -- is on him. to get a sense of what's going on with all this we have academy of motion picture arts and sciences pr director stewart bloom with us to talk about the controversy via satellite. first of all, thank you for joining us. >> thank you for having me, jimmy. >> jimmy: i know this is a big issue for you. something you take very seriously. what will the academy do now? what action will it take and which action is it taking? >> well, our plan is to make this right. not just in the future, now. >> jimmy: how will you make it right now?

the oscar nominated films to be more inclusive. modifying? >> well, for instance, the "big short" is being changed to "the big shouty." right? >> shawty, yes. it's like the song" bayou a drink, shawty." >> jimmy: yeah. is that little bow-wow? that is little bow-wow. it is. >> jimmy: how are you going to itself? >> through cgi, jimmy. you can do anything. >> jimmy: all right. >> i just -- here's at one bep added some flava to. >> jimmy: you did? >> yes. the film "room" starring larson and jacob, here comes "crib" starring queen latifah.

"room" is not a comedy. >> "room" is not a comedy, you're correct, but "crib" is and it's hilarious. kid. i think he can win this one. >> jimmy: is that it? what else are you working on? is that it? >> no, no, no. we have "the revenant," that is going to become "the revenant al sharpton." you know, jimmy, his hair is like that because he got attacked by a bear. >> jimmy: i've always wondered that. makes sense. >> oh, and "the martian" becomes "the martin." >> jimmy: i like that. okay. >> and did you see the movie "steve jobs"? >> jimmy: yes, i did. >> for purposes of award consideration that will now be called "steve harvey." >> jimmy: okay. doesn't that completely change the movie though?

steve accidently announces the iphone 5 instead of the iphone 6, then he has to go back and apologize. >> jimmy: all right. that's even more fun in a way. [ applause ] stewart, do you think these changes will solve this problem? >> oh, jimmy, i am sure of it. in fact, we are launching our own hashtag, it's #gettingjig #gettingjiggywithit. >> jimmy: thank you, stewart. i appreciate that. i tell you something, if you wrk on a problem you come up with a solution. so thanks to stewart for that. [ cheers and applause ] hey, you know, the governor of new jersey chris christie was in counsel bluffs, iowa, looking to drum up support ahead of the iowa primary and he did that by holding a town hall meeting in a restaurant where an 11-year-old boy grilled the governor about school lunch.

about the lunches, because, okay, it was fine when mrs. bush was the first lady but now that mrs. obama is the first lady, they've gone down. and i used to eat all the lunches, square pizza, not gluten-free stuff. >> jimmy: the first thing is we have an 11-year-old who says he -- his school lunches were better when laura bush was the first lady which was the bush's left office seven years ago which we he would have been, best case scenario, 4 years old. for argument sake let's assume he was a genius and got in kindergarten when he was 2 and has fond memories of the crisp pizza he used to eat when his baby teeth was still coming in. how do you as chris christie

houser. >> the first lady has no business being involved in it but using the government to mandate her point of view of what people should be eating every day is none of her business. it just isn't. so i want people to eat more healthy. i'm trying to eat more healthy. we all should be trying to do that. better, live longer, better quality of life. but in the end, it's your choice. >> jimmy: if kids had a choice they would eat nothing but skittles all day. they would have skittles for breakfast and slurpees for lunch. what kind of position is this? why in the world would chris christie. even comment on this subject? this is an enormous man. he's taking a stand against healthy school lunches? just from a pure pr standpoint, chris christie standing up for pizza is like bill cosby doing an ad for lunesta.

oh, thank you. do you think once you have a rubber band surgically tied around your stomach maybe you would shy away from a subject like that. to me seems pretty clear, chris christie is in the pocket of hot pockets. donald trump got a major endorsement today from none other than sarah palin. she agreed to endorse him and he agreed to let him shoot that animal on top of her head. it's important you don't want a low-quality crappy people who conk out right after the warranty expires endorsing you but here's sarah palin in iowa just a few hours ago. >> you quit footing the bill for these nations who are oil rich we're paying for some of their squirmishes that have been going on for centuries, where they're fighting each other and yellingal la akbar, calling jihad on each other's heads forever and ever.

sort it out. [ applause ] by the way, in case you don't know, a squirmish is what war. it's called a squirmish. [ applause ] i hope i'm pronouncing his name man, he's not anymore. he passed away today. he was 112. i guess in retrospect the surprise party was not a good idea. but there he is. pretty sure he's the one in the middle. he said one of the secrets to his long life was to, quote, not overdo it. and i don't know, isn't living to 112 kind of the definition of overdoing it? his dream, this is very sweet. his dream was to live long enough to see the movie "ride along 2" and he made it.

[ applause ] it's bittersweet, i know. television history was made this weekend. sesame street which has been airing on pbs public television for free for the past 45 years, on saturday officially made the move to hbo. new episodes will air first on hbo and reair on pbs after that. of course sesame street is a family show and hbo has a very adult audience bep did something to help them satisfy audiences of all ages. we combined the audio from "girls" the, hbo show, with the video from "sesame street" and the result is everybody wins. >> what did he have to say for himself? quickly before you start i told you so. i just want to get that out of the way. >> you didn't tell me so. >> beg your pardon? >> you didn't tell me so. >> i'm sorry. i seem to recall actually saying to your face that your father was a homosexual. >> yeah, but you say that everyone is a homosexual. >> most people are.

>> he reads "bi." >> jimmy: all right. i like it. we have to take a break. when we come back the worst online passwords of the year have been announced. yours is on the list. and i had a sleepover with barbie which i will share after this, so stick around. [ applause ] mr. watson, come here. i want to see you. it started with a single connection. and the network was born. then, we connected more and morepeople until it became clear that thenetwork was not a fad or aluxury but a basic human necessity. and so, at&t built a network, just for you. one that connects your family and friends... your businesses, devices...

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>> jimmy: tonight on the show we have music from weezer. aubrey plaza is here, and we'll have zach galifianakis. "penthouse" magazine which has been in business since 1965 will

for those of you who were too young to remember, magazines were like paper versions of the internet except instead of clearing our browser history you would hide them under your mattress. "penthouse" magazine will still be available online, same deal as "playboy" who is going to stop printing soon. "penthouse" was more of an anatomy lesson. it's sad to me because i guess it means my dear penthouse forum is never going to get published. it was all lies anyway. it's okay. there was a twitter outage this morning. a global twitter out an. twitter was down for six hours which is scary because, you know, the only social media outlets we had for six hours was facebook, youtube, snapchat, instagram, and vine. i thought of something very clever this morning. i was forced to share it with my wife. didn't even get a like.

i actually think -- i actually think it's good when twitter goes down. it's nice. i think it would be great if all social media went down at random times for a few hours every couple days just to remind people there's a world, like a real one where hashtags are pound signs the way god intended them to be. this is good. toronto raptors beat the orlando magic in special nba game, they played in london. third time now that raptors guard rosen played in london. before the game he took time-out to crunch the numbers. >> i'm trying to walk out of here 1 -- 1-3. this will be my third game here. 1-2. you know what i mean. >> no, i don't. >> you played two games and you add one, that means -- >> three games. >> but you said 1-3. >> if we win -- >> 1 for 3.

>> 1-4-3, that's what i meant. >> ufc, baby. [ applause ] >> jimmy: those two guys are a show. i have some important information regarding your cyber security. the annual list of america's worst passwords is out. once again the worse passwords of the year is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and password. who does that? these must be the same people who have children name their teddy bear teddy, right? this year om passwords inspired by "star wars" made the list including solo, princess, and "star wars." "star wars" which i guess it makes sense when you think about it the whole first "star wars" movie is about a stolen password. but experts are saying do not use the word password in your password and definitely do not make your password 123456. if you can remember your

speaking of online -- may i have that? i mentioned this. this is the hello barbie. this is a new doll from mattel. it connects to wi-fi. it actually interacts with your kid. it records your child's voice in realtime. sends it over wi-fi to the cloud in a bank of some sort of artificial intelligence servers generate a response to what your kid is saying. it gets sent back and spoken by barbie. like this. hello, barbie. >> hello. hi. i was just playing around with different hairstyles. can you help me pick out the perfect one for today? >> i think the one you have is fine. >> thank you so much. i always love your look. how do you think i should wear my hair today? >> jimmy: anyway. so it's -- it makes me nervous when a toy comes to life because when a toy comes to life you don't know if you're going to get like a buzz light year or

i've been spending time with hello barbie and she interacts but i wish she interacted a little bit less. remind me to take your car in tomorrow morning. >> what's something you would enjoy about being in bed? >> jimmy: about being a what? >> it's a terrific goal. have you always been so helpful? >> i said remind me to take your car in in the morning. >> hey, you know what? let's pretend that there's a sick puppy and i will be your veterinarian's assistant. okay. here we go. oh, dear. doctor, look at that adorable puppy. his eyes are watering. his nose is stuffed up. and he just looks so tired. what's wrong with him, best veterinarian ever?

would talk if you were my veterinarian assistant? >> hey, i just thought of a song about being a veterinarian. check it out. >> jimmy: no. you grow up you're going to be a vet everyone will want to bring you their pet so don't worry if you're not quite there yet there's plenty of time to live your dream whether saving animal or eating ice cream tomorrow is coming quick and it's here before you know it let's hear it for the vet and let's show it meow meow meow work work work >> jimmy: tonight on the show we have music from weezer. aubrey plaza is here, and we'll be right back with zach galifianakis. [ applause ] one... two... three... cheese! yeeees! hey! paparazzi parents! you're welcome! now that t-mobile has double the lte coverage,

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>> jimmy: tonight, from the new movie "dirty grandpa," aubrey plaza is here. then, their new self-titled album comes out april 1st. it's self-titled but known as "the white album," weezer from the samsung outdoor stage. you can see weezer live on tour with panic at the disco all summer. tomorrow night, casey affleck will be here, vanessa hudgens will join us, and we'll have music from savages. and on thursday, zac efron, malin akerman, and music from ben harper and the innocent criminals.

our first guest tonight is a very talented actor, comedian out of north carolina. he has a great new show called" baskets" that premiers on fx on thursday night at 10:00. please welcome zach galifianakis. [ applause ] it's very good to see you. it's been a long time since i saw you. >> it's been a few years since i've been here, jimmy. >> jimmy: kind of a long time. you had a baby since then. >> yeah. i have -- [ applause ] i have a 2-year-old son. i forget his name. but, yeah, it's fun. my son likes political humor. >> jimmy: he does? >> yeah. this is one of the jokes that i do for him. do you mind if i -- >> jimmy: go ahead. >> it's a usual.

>> jimmy: i'll be the -- >> yeah. okay. knock knock. who's there? >> jimmy: i didn't know if he was speaking or not. >> sorry. >> jimmy: start over again? >> take again. knock -- it's a political joke. knock knock. >> jimmy: who's there? >> benjamin nanetya -- >> jimmy: benjamin netanyahu? he likes that. how, that's -- do you feel like you're a good father? >> yeah, i like being a dad. it's a lot of fun. >> jimmy: what's the best part about being a dad? >> just getting up and making breakfast with him and i'm trying to get him to be a try athlete right now. >> jimmy: you are? how do you do that? >> just force him to do it. >> jimmy: it's only way. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what's the worst part

>> just getting up and the triathlon triathlon, that whole thing. >> jimmy: it's tough. >> yeah, it's tough. >> jimmy: can i just -- real sorry. i don't want to say anything. your eyebrows seem -- they seem fuller than i think the last time that you were here. they have -- >> it's showing a bit? i'm half greek so that's probably it. yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. i'm getting -- really, it seems like they're -- i don't know. maybe you could use like a trim or something like that? >> all right. i'll just be honest with you. beards got really popular, and i was trying to set myself apart. and my stylist -- my stylist and eyebrowist told me that -- >> jimmy: you have a eyebrowist? >> i have an eyebrowist. and they're a team. they told me to, you know, let it grow out. and this is new look that's -- that's going to be sweeping the nation.

and did they split like each take an eyebrow or how does it work? >> i have four people for each brow. >> jimmy: you do? i was thinking a two-man. >> no, in all seriousness, this whole thing, i didn't know it was going to show up. i'm a little embarrassed. >> jimmy: it does read on camera. you can -- >> they told me it wasn't going to read. but it's a side effect for some medication that i'm taking. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i didn't mean to -- >> i have body dismorphia. >> jimmy: y do? that's where you don't like certain parts of your body. >> well, i think i'm short. >> jimmy: so you think you're short? >> yeah, i think i'm short in real life. i know i'm not. in real life i'm like 6'5" but this condition i have i think i'm short and i take this medicine called -- i can't remember the name of it. >> jimmy: you can't remember the name of the medicine? that's another one of the side effects. >> yeah.

>> yeah, loss of memory. i have sausage toes. >> jimmy: oh, no. it sounds delicious. >> rainbow shaft. >> jimmy: you have rainbow shaft? i'm so sorry. i didn't -- >> candy ass of the penis. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. do you want to -- maybe we should take a break because i feel like i've traveled into territory i shouldn't have. we'll let it all out. zach galifianakis is here.

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n, voice-over: last summer, my new dad took me on vacation. [throws up] first, we went deep-sea fishing... i'm so proud of you son! [throws up] then we went on thunder shark. three times! [throws up]

to be a perfect parent. thousands of kids in foster care will take you just as you are. what do you want? >> tangerine fanta, please. >> tangerine fanta, please. >> we do not have that. >> they do not have that. >> tab, that's fine. >> just a tab then. >> no. >> no. >> pepsi lime? >> pepsi lime? >> we have coke. >> we have coke.new or classic. >> regular coke. >> just a schweppes then. >> did you say -- say it one more time. >> swhweppes. >> i thought i heard two people. >> okay. swheppes.

>> zach galifianakis, brand new show called "baskets" and premiers on thursday night on fx. so last night i got the screener copy of the show and i was intending to watch one so i knew what was going on before you came on. and i watched all five of the available shows. >> five of them? >> jimmy: there are five of them, yeah. all of them, too. >> wow. >> jimmy: it's very funny. my wife was angry with me. she came home from dinner and said, i watched all five and i watched them all without her so we're going have wait a month and half to catch up. >> it's a strange show as i have hair glued to my eyebrows. where i play -- >> jimmy: is that your own hair? >> yeah, from other parts. [ applause ] >> jimmy: it looks -- >> we need an applause break. >> jimmy: it looks like you're going through some sort of radiation treatment now. >> sorry.

>> that looks better? >> jimmy: you look like you should be in the new star trek movie. >> but -- what were we talking about? oh, the tv show. >> jimmy: the show. >> it's about a weird -- it's a weird show about a bitter rodeo clown who studies clown theory in france and moves back to bakersfield to become a rodeo clown. louie anderson plays my mom in it. >> jimmy: i was going to ask you about that because louie anderson, the comedian, best known perhaps from his performance on the celebrity diving show "splash." >> i heard about that. >> jimmy: he was great on that. he plays your mother and he plays it very straight. he's, you know, a woman throughout the whole show. >> yeah. and we -- i couldn't figure out who to cast in it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then the producer i said, i don't know, i just keep

i'mmitated the voice and louie said you mean like louie anderson's voice? i said, yes. he said, should we call him? i said yes. that's how he got cast in the show. so, we're lucky to have him. >> jimmy: is this the first show you worked on with louie ck? >> yes. i mean, a few years ago louie -- i don't know if he would remember this but he called me to go across-country with him and his dog. but that -- we never got around to doing that. so now we're just -- >> jimmy: instead you're doing this? >> we're doing this instead. >> jimmy: who is the woman that the clip? >> her name is martha kelly and she's the worst improv actress i've ever seen in my life. fantastic in the show. the show. she's a friend of mine. we used to do open mikes together in culver city. i just threw the years always wanted to try to use her in something.

but i think she said yes to this because she was living with her parents in torrance. and that kind of motivated her j. >> jimmy: solid reason. >> lucky to have her. >> jimmy: why do you say she's the worst improv actor? >> you take a suggestion xwoond the yes and move it. this is martha. i would say a line and she would go, well, um -- that would be it. that was her improv. but we kept a lot of the well, umps. she's the voice of ambien. >> jimmy: of somehow it works out well. you and louie have known each other for how long? >> well, i mean, he -- he was kind of established comedian in new york when i was first starting. so he was -- i think he was writing on the david letterman show and i would see him and gigs and through the years i

to do this and i didn't have any confidence in doing it and i still don't have any confidence now that i've seen it. but it's -- i'm just real lucky and happy that it's just this weird show that, you know, i'm kind of even tepidacius. it's weird enough that people will think it's interesting enough to think it's interesting. >> jimmy: with mainstream america it's not going to be the "big-bang theory" but i liked it. i consumed it like raceisinetes. >> thanks, jimmy. >> jimmy: not just for the movies, either. you can have them at home. >> what are raisinetes, hold raisins? have chocolate over them? >> jimmy: yes. you don't know raisinetes? >> i knew the california raisins years ago. >> jimmy: this is different. >> i used to hang out with them. >> jimmy: no, no, no. those guys are totally different guys. >> they had drug problems. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. i'm so sorry about your health problems. >> thank you. thank you for understanding.

understanding. >> jimmy: watch his show. it's called "baskets," it premiers thursday night at 10:00 on fx. we'll be back with aubrey plaza. (ding) (ding) (ding) (ding) (ding) (ding) sfx: (countdown) 3, 2, 1 (ding) (ding) (ding)

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>> jimmy: our next guest is yet another funny person. we are so #blessed tonight. on "parks and rec." starting friday you can see her and with zac efron in "dirty grandpa." please say hello to aubrey plaza. [ applause ] that's nice. how are you doing? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: that's really nice of zach.

it's hard for him to do. this is an injury. >> that's right. >> jimmy: what happened to you? >> i tore my acl playing basketball. i had knee surgery. and i'm recovering. and -- >> jimmy: are people nicer to you now that you have a cast? do they have sympathy and do they react in a positive way? >> yeah. they -- i think they feel weird, like they -- i don't know. i don't know. >> jimmy: you don't know. >> no. >> jimmy: you brought a photograph. you were in -- this is a serious thing. you were in a wheelchair for a while. >> yeah. >> jimmy: how long were you in a wheelchair? >> i was only -- basically i tore my acl and the day -- the next day i went to a bachelor weekend for my gay best friend and we did wine tastings. so they put me in a wheelchair and if you've never done a wine tasting in a wheelchair you should try it. >> jimmy: seems like the best way to do it. >> yeah, it's great because you don't know how drunk you are

so you just -- >> jimmy: why may i ask is he dressed as santa claus? >> he's dressed as santa claus. first of all, he wanted to go to mexico and we surprised him and we told him to just pack bathing suits and flip-flops but we actually took him up north where it was very cold. and then we packed him another suitcase with just a santa costume in it. and that's all he had to wear all weekend. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> so we were -- yeah. he was wheeling me around. and people were very afraid of our group. >> jimmy: i would think they would be, yeah. >> they stayed away from us. yeah. >> jimmy: by the way, you're very funny in this new movie. >> "dirty grandpa." movie called "dirty grandpa." >> jimmy: how would you describe your -- you're in it. you're attracted to robert de niro. >> that's right. >> jimmy: how old is robert de niro? >> i believe bob is 73. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, bob. i didn't have sex with him on film. >> well, i did, so.

experience. >> well, you know, the movie is -- my character of lenore is -- for me it's a love story. we're soul mates, you know. i'm going to spring break with my friends. and robert de niro's character lies and says he's a professor and my character has an obsession with having sex with a professor. so i zero in on him and i'm going to [ bleep ] you, he's like, i'm going to [ bleep ] you, too. and then we do. >> jimmy: spoiler alert. but, yeah. >> what was the question? >> jimmy: i think, you know, i think it was -- well, it's crazy to see robert de niro in a situation like this where you're really saying very, very filthy things to him. >> that's his character, you know. it's kind of like he's met his

he's a dirty grandpa and i'm a dirty girl. >> jimmy: young lady. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you have a sex scene with him. >> we do, yeah. it was fun. >> jimmy: was it fun? >> yeah. >> jimmy: people always say it's not fun but it was fun -- for you it was fun. was it fun for him as well? >> i can't speak for him. you know, we -- it was a long day. they allotted an entire day for it. >> jimmy: they did, really? like how many hours? >> i would say about nine, a solid nine, maybe ten. and there was a lot of interesting stuff that went down, you know? one thing in particular was the director who's british, dan mazer, who is awesome and i loved him, he -- you know, it was a little bit of like oh of we didn't totally plan out the scene. we didn't know how it was going to go down so there were moments where dan would call me over and be like, in the next take, aubrey, why don't you suck on

i would be like, you want me to -- robert de niro? and then he goes, yeah, suck on his nipples. i would go and try to do it and i would try to get in there and suck on his nipples. he was like batting me away. and i didn't know if it was like in character or not because you never -- you never know. >> jimmy: right, yeah, sure. >> and then they cut the camera and then dan called me back and he's like, bob does not like his nipple paid attention to. so don't do that. and i was like, great. well, now he thinks that i wanted to do that and -- it was a lot of really fun moments like that. >> jimmy: do you feel like you earned his respect as an actor because i mean, he's one of the all-time greats? >> i don't know. i mean, how could i know? but i hope -- i had a couple moments with him, like i mean, the first half of the shooting

that -- who had spoken to his agent that he was legitimately scared of me. like i think because, you know, in the movie i'm playing a 21-year-old and i've got like a wig and i'm all like bronzed up and i'm acting like a drunk slut. and i'm not really like that. you know, in real life. and i think every time i was around him it was right before we started shooting so i was all over him and i really freaked him out. but i had a couple of moments with him like there's one scene where i have to throw up and in the first take i threw up and then i like tried to kiss him and he -- he really like had a reaction where he was like, uh, like get away from me. and then when they cut the camera he was like, that was very good. i believed that you had thrown up. >> jimmy: that's all you can really dream of as an actor is making robert de niro branch

the idea that the guy from "cape fear" would be scaried of you. >> i'm terrifying. >> jimmy: where did you get the cane? >> my sister sent this to me as a joke for christmas and then it turns out that the joke is on me. >> jimmy: it could be your new thing. >> yeah. i don't know. canes.com, i don't know. >> jimmy: very good to see you. you're very funny in the movie. it's called "dirty grandpa." it opens friday. we'll be right back with weezer. [ applause ] [ applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel

presented by samsung.>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: thanks to zach galifianakis, aubrey plaza, and apologize to matt damon we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first, their new self-titled album comes out april 1st, here with the song "thank god for girls," weezer! [ cheers and applause ] the girl in the pastry shop with the net in her hair

to take on your hiking trip in the woods with your bros that you've known since second grade and you may encounter dragons or ruffians and be called upon to employ your testosterone in a battle for supremacy to females glued to the tv and even if you are victorious you may receive many cuts bruises and scrapes and you will require band-aids and antiseptic ointments and tender loving kisses on your stab wounds and when you come home she will be there waiting for you with a fire in her eyes and a big fat cannoli to shove in your mouth and that's why you thank god for girls holla jesu christe from tennessee to la thank god for girls on your reckoning day you better bow down and pray

she's so strong she's so energetic in her sweaty overalls thank god thank god for girls for girls thank god for girls thank god for girls i'm so glad i got a girl to think of even though she isn't mine i think about her all the day and all the night it's enough to know that she's alive she says i give her sweaty palms she almost had a heart attack the truth is that i'm just as scared i don't know how to act i wish that i could get to know her better but meeting up in real life would cause the illusion to shatter i carved her name into all the trees sang a song down on one knee looking at the underwear page of the sears catalog like when i was fourteen i'm levitating like a magnet turned the wrong way around i'm like an indian fakir tryn'ta meditate on a bed of nails with my pants pulled down

for girls holla jesu christe from tennessee to la thank god for girls on your reckoning day you better bow down and pray she's so big she's so strong she's so energetic in her sweaty overalls thank god thank god for girls for girls thank god for girls thank god for girls god took a rib from adam ground it up in a centrifuge machine mixed it with cardamom and cloves microwaved it on the popcorn setting while adam was like woo woo that really hurts going off into the tundra so pissed at god and he started lighting minor forest fires stealing osprey eggs messing with the bees

until god said i 'ma smite you with loneliness and break your heart in two and adam wept and wailed tearing out his hair falling on his knees looked to the sky and said thank god