finally, trucking. >> i'm going to need you to knock over one of these big fellows, and you stay on your feet and keep going. ( laughter ). >> stephen: hut! ( cheers and applause ) and time for my final rating. what is my player rating? and the important thing is that i need to really know. and this is important. this is on television. you have to tell me the truth. and don't worry about my feelings. i have a successful career. i have a beautiful wife. i have wonderful children. just be honest. it's important that i-- i-- i know what the truth is, and you're not going to hurt my feelings. >> okay.

so, uh, officially, 19 overall. >> stephen: stinging from my unfair rating, i switched to an activity i excel at-- sitting in a chair. to create my digital player, certified e.a. nerd ben hamiller entered my test results. speed, strength, agility-- what has he got me for elusiveness? >> 47. >> stephen: i can be way more elusive than that. you want to... i'll show you how elusive i can be. >> okay. >> stephen: tell me you love me. >> i love you. >> stephen: i don't deserve you. ( laughter ) see, you have no idea whether i love you or not. >> i don't. >> stephen: and, yet, i haven't said anything bad. okay. that's elusive. ( laughter ) okay. let's take a look at me. here we go. okay, that looks like me. let's do-ey. oh, good, i'm wearing glasses. so few football players do. is there any way to take this

uniform off? >> so, we are an e-for-everyone game. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> actually, would you like to run a play? >> stephen: sure. there i am as a quarterback, and i already have a penalty. what the hell just happened? what did i do? there i am... >> you're not... you're not happy as a coach, either. >> stephen: wait a second. how old did you make me as the coach. >> oh, come on. you're smoothed out right there. you're looking all right. >> stephen: you look like you carved my head out of an apple core and let it dry in the sun. good god, man. all right in the pocket. bullet. and i suck. i suck in real life. why would i want to suck in the game? look, even i'm mad at me. i agree with that guy. now, ben. >> yes? >> stephen: this is all just zeros and ones, right? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: well, what if i gave you one with two zeros behind it? would that help change my profile? >> i like this. >> stephen: thank you.

>> stephen (narrating): with that and just a few clicks, ben pumped up all of my stats and gave me a tight end. oh, yeah. bo-bro-donk-a-donk back it up like a tonka truck i'm magnificent. and go. here we go. drills it! here comes the pain train! all aboard! >> touchdown! >> stephen: wooo! how do you like me now? boom. >> right there. >> stephen: wooo! wooo! oh, come on! wooo! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you to e.a. sports. thank you, new york jets. we will be right back with conan o'brien. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) get out of it? you our broccoli cheddar is made with aged melted cheddar, simmered broccoli, and no artificial flavors.

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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight has written for "the simpsons" and "s.n.l.," and after 25 years, he's the elder statesman of late-night hosts. please welcome back to "the late show," my friend and yours, conan o'brien! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers ) >> thank you very much! >> stephen: conan o'brien. nice to see you.

>> thank you very much. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> a lovely crowd. >> stephen: very dpietd see conan o'brien. >> what a day. what a day. >> stephen: back on the east coast. so a treat for us. >> back in town. big day. super bowl. that was a crazy game. >> stephen: it was. ( laughter ) you have exciting news, the new conan. >> it's really not. it's the same conan. you're the same cona cone conant it's a new format. >> it's a new format. i've been doing it for so long, let's do half an hour. we noticed our crowd after a half hour, "we're good." ( laughter ). >> stephen: really? >> anyway -- >> stephen: i think-- i think in show business we call that, "leave them wanting some." >> even at half an hour they're like, "you know, you can go to 15." >> stephen: tonight, obviously, you're dressed beautifully. >> thank you. >> stephen: but suede-- a suede jacket. >> yeah. >> stephen: i'm seeing-- i'm

seeing a lot more leather jackets. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: denim, a lot more denim. no more suits-- >> i like to look like a prosperous farmer, you know, a farmer who has invested well in high-tech. that's the look i'm going for. >> stephen: uh-huh... >> it's important to me. i got tired of wearing a suit, and i think the suit is great. i've done it for so many years -- >> stephen: you said that like you're afraid to hurt the suit's feelings. >> there's a suit here going, "come ogive me a chance." no, it looks great. it looks terrific. >> stephen: sure. >> but i feel like you're interviewing me for a bank loan. and i wanted to just sort of-- i'm a real hard worker. ( laughter ) i i wanted to kind of just wear the kind of clothes that i do in real life. the only thing that's important to me is that i wear a jacket. i have to wear a jacket. >> stephen: why is this? >> thank you for asking. >> stephen: it's my job. it's my job. ( laughter ).

>> i wear-- i have to wear a jacket because i have to break up where my-- the middle of my body is because i have a-- and this is a confession-- i have a very disproportionate body. >> stephen: what do you mean? >> when i was 14 years old, i had a massive growth spurt, massive. i am 6'4". i went from being a kid to 6'4" overnight, literally overnight. my legs grew and grew and grew, and my torso never did. i have the legs -- the legs-- of an n.b.a. center, and i have the torso of a little girl. ( laughter ) and you know what? she's not even a healthy little girl. she was born in the 1840s help her name is molly and she has ricketts. >> stephen: we have a picture. >> that's my torso right there from a long time okay oog. thanks. thanks for showing that. thank you. that's funny. no one mentioned you would be showing that photo. >> stephen: keep up the b-12. >> but it is, i have-- and so i

have very, very long legs, and this then tiny little torso that sits atop. and people think i am exaggerating but i can prove to you that i am not-- ( cheers ). >> look at this-- this... ( cheers and applause ) this is my natural... and, look, stephen. >> stephen: yes. >> i look like a shore bird avoiding an oil spill, don't i? ( laughter ) it's just a freak show. and then i are this little r2d2 body on top. it's a freak show. >> stephen: it is. >> it's a freak show and it's caused me -- >> stephen: it is. >> and i have -- >> stephen: no-- no photographs. no papier-mache. he is alive. >> he is alive. he is alive! and my pants, i'm always pushing them down. they're pushed down now. they are artificially pushed

down. my penis is here. ( laughter ) when i use a urinal, i have to flip the tie back! ( laughter ) unbutton two but orngz lady, not one. lean down, take care of business. >> stephen: sure. sure. sure. >> it's a bad scene, man. >> stephen: sure. >> a real bad scene. >> stephen: so no more suits. no more suits. >> you break it up a little bit. i realize i just undid all the good i'm trying to do by displaying my body. but it's been a source of great shame for me and i want other kids out there -- >> stephen: i'm glad, i'm glad. >> you're glad i feel shame. >> stephen: yes, a little shame is a good thing. >> it's a very good thing. >> stephen: after 25 years on the air, the show has changed. what else-- what else have you learned about yourself over the years? because, certainly, when you do one of these shows, you learn what you're capable of. >> right. >> stephen: but then you'll find out things about yourself

that you never knew. >> yes. i found out-- and this isn't even through the show. this is just life, as you go on in life, when i started my show, i had just turned 30, i didn't know who i was yet. i've grown up and become sort of a man. ( laughter ) on television, over these last 25 years. but i'm finding out new things all the time. i found out-- i went to see my doctor a couple of months ago. and-- just fair physical. he was doing the physical. and he said, "by the way, conan, i don't know if you're into this, but i do d.n.a. testing. i'm very good at it. we could find out about your heritage." i think some people have done that-- 23andme. i said sure, let's do it. he took a d.n.a. sample, and i left. two weeks later he called me up. and he said, "i have never, ever, ever had a d.n.a. result like this before, and i've been doing this for 10 years." and i said, "what is it?" he said "you are"-- and this is

true-- "you are 100% irish." ( cheers and applause ) now, listen, there's more. hold it. he said, "you are 100%." he said, "i've never seen 100% anything. i've done this with lots of people. i've seen 93.5. i've seen 96.1. there's no such-- no one is 100% irish." he said, "if you go to ireland"-- and i looked it up and it's true, you get their d.n.a. sample and you find they're 84% irish. the lucky charms leprechaun-- true fact-- 11% spanish. ( laughter ) and i-- he said, "you're 100%." and i said-- i didn't know what to make of this. i said, "what does it mean?" he said, "what does it mean? it means you're inbred." and he said it-- he said it just like that! he said it like that, ""you're

inbred." and i was like, "what!" first of all, that's very rude. but then all this stuff started to make sense to me, you know what i mean? suddenly, everything came together. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well, can i ask-- if you don't mind me asking, in your generation, is your wife irish? did you-- >> here's what whereit gets crazy, okay. because i-- you know, i looked into it, and i found out the reason i'm 100% irish is my people-- we came to boston around the time of the civil war. we just all moved into a very small area, a korbe corner of worcesterrer massachusetts-- won't wooo worster. nobody wooos worster. they moved into a small corner of worcester, massachusetts, and married each other for 180 years. that's what they did. and i realized -- and then i saw that my brothers were marrying 100% irish women. and having kids that looked like those kids that would be like, "we're off to get on the

"titanic." it will all go well." so irish looking. and so i-- i-- i stopped the madness. i stopped the madness. let me tell you about my wife-- i've been married for 17 years. i love her to death. my wife is 50% irish. ( laughter ) ( applause ) 25% scottish. 25% welsh. and i swear to god, in my family, they act like, "conan god jungle fever." ( laughter ) ( applause ) my brother's are like, "what's it like, man! you went crazy!" >> stephen: "conan" airs weeknights on tbs, and new episodes of the podcast "conan o'brien needs a friend" are available every monday. conan o'brien, everybody! when we come, back i share some personal space with steve when we come, back i share some personal space with steve carell.

than i'm on the pill, too. but it's not birth control. it's truvada for prep®, a once-daily prescription medicine for adults that, when taken every day along with using safer sex practices, can help lower my chances of getting hiv through sex. i use condoms. but i talked to my doctor about doing more. he said that because i had a higher chance of getting hiv through sex, truvada for prep could be an option for me. she also told me that truvada alone may not keep me from getting hiv. and it does not prevent other stis or pregnancy. you must be hiv-negative to take truvada for prep. so you need to get tested for hiv immediately before, and at least every 3 months, while taking truvada. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. they may do more tests to confirm you are still hiv negative. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, kidney failure, and bone problems, which may lead to fractures. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. tell your doctor about all the medicines you take,

if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney, bone, or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking truvada without talking to your doctor. common side effects include stomach pain, headache, and weight loss. ask your doctor about your risk of getting hiv and if truvada for prep may be right for you. i wanted to do more. that's why i'm on that pill. truvada for prep. eligible patients may pay as little as a zero dollar co-pay. find out more at truvada.com. the best of both worlds how do wewith sprint? they get how 'bout we get two-sport legend, bo jackson... s'up. ...holding a mermaid ...playing a keytar... ...and a bird-horse. woah. why don't you just tell people sprint can save them more than $1,000 on an lte advanced network that's now up to 2x faster than before. bo does know. this is the best robot analogy i've ever been in. with a great network and savings over verizon and at&t, you get the best of both worlds with sprint. yee-haw!

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remember the way we used to do things? hey man... like connect with friends? dig it! or get in shape? or sell a house and pay a real estate agent a big commission. [crash] at redfin, we charge you a 1% listing fee. and because redfin.com is america's #1 brokerage site our agents get more eyes on your home so you sell for thousands more than the one next door. don't get stuck in the past. sell with a redfin agent. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. now, steve, obviously we've known each other a long, long time. but you're a very private person. >> so are you. >> stephen: but doing these interviews can sometimes feel

false or kind of force forced it of an audience. i know you're being honest and telling me how you feel, but there's an audience watching us. >> right, and you have to monitor what you say. >> stephen: i'd love to take a moment to talk to you in a more personal, like, up-close way, like in a private space. >> i would really love that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, i'm so glad to hear that. join us now in "the lat "the la" personal space. ( cheers and applause ) steve, longtime viewers will know this is "the late show's"" personal space. steve carell, i'll see you in the box. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we've known each other for 30 years.

right? 1988. >> it's been a long time. >> stephen: yeah. honestly, steve, what was your first impression of me? >> well, if i'm completely honest, you were very handsome. you were talented, intelligent, and there was a certain joir des have vie, that you had, that was different from the other guys at second city. >> stephen: thanks so much, man. >> what was your first impression of me? >> he is going to be so handsome in his late 50s. ( laughter ) really, that guy is going to blossom. >> that's so nice. >> stephen: why did you wait so long to get sexy? >> you know what? i just-- i just figured it was-- it was about time. ( laughter ). >> stephen: uh-huh. you are aware that now you are a hot salt-and-pepper zatty, right? you have to have heard this,

right? >> no. >> stephen: can't get out of the box. you're stuck in the box. >> you're embarrassing me! >> stephen: are ever sick of people quoting "the office" to you? >> no, i love it. >> stephen: that's what she said. ( cheers and applause ) >> can i admit something to you? >> stephen: it's personal space, steve. >> the components of both of our breath is really warm. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it is-- it is getting a little steam nehere. would you-- would you-- would you like-- you used to be-- you're famously a bet of a sweater? >> yeah. >> stephen: would you-- >> it's happening. >> stephen: it is. it is. would you-- would you like a fan? >> sure. do you have a fan? ( laughter )

>> stephen: how's that feel? is that good. >> that's actually a lot better. >> stephen: that is really dangerously close to my right eyeball. ( laughter ). >> is that a rubber-tipped fan? >> stephen: let's find out. >> let me check. ( laughter ) >> ack! yes, yes! would you-- would you like a mint? >> yes, i would like a mint. oh! ( cheers and applause ) >> i have a feeling-- i have a feeling that this is going to be a meme. maybe we shouldn't do that anymore. >> stephen: okay.

( sighs ). >> it really is-- it's really good to see you. >> stephen: it really is good to see you, too. can i ask you a question? i want you to be honest. >> sure. >> stephen: i mean it-- i was joking before, but you look fab task. you have aged like a fragrant cheese. >> thank you. >> stephen: you look fantastic. i do... do i look old to you? >> do you look old? no, you look fantastic, too. >> stephen: steve-- >> you look exactly. >> stephen: steve, you're not going to hurt my feelings. just be honest. it's important to me. you're not going to hurt my feelings. >> okay, i'll be honest. you do look great. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: why did you switch to drama? you're the-- you are one of the funniest people i know. you can make anything funny. why did you-- is it-- why did you become a dramatic actor?

>> all i want is to be respected and to be pretentious. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're halfway there. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: steve carell, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) moderator: this is the chevy equinox. various: beautiful. wow. ooh, this is fancy. moderator: that's the available hd surround vision camera. the top of your car? moderator: mm-hmm. it helps you see dangers around the vehicle.

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