good morning. welcome to mosaic. i am honored to be your host this morning. we would like to invite you into a serious conversation this morning about domestic violence and in particular domestic violence in the jewish community. i'd like to introduce you to naomi tucker, the executive director, founding executive director and the youth program coordinator. welcome. >> good morning. >> thank you for having us. >> let's jump in and talk about

what this is and why is domestic violence such an important topic of conversation in general in our culture and in particular in our jewish community. >> sure, sure. this started 25 years ago because there was a robust domestic violence movement in the united states and we noticed jewish women were not accessing services. in the jewish community people weren't talking about the issue and bought into the myth that the jewish community doesn't suffer from those problems. we knew from domestic violence statistics that that in fact isn't true and one in four women in their adult lifetime may be a victim of domestic violence regardless of background or religion orey l t wanted to abto figu could geth agnd how we could help them. that's why we started a program specifically in our faith and cultural community to talk

about the issue and break through the denial about abuse in our community and be able to have a communal conversation so we can make it safe for women to come forward and get help. >> in a moment we'll ask you to talk about particular activities. the history has a unique aspect to it in that it began if i remember correctly as a woman's collective in the east bay. i am wondering since you are founding executive director if you can talk briefly about that history? i know it's vast, but just a couple sentences. >> sure. we started at a kitchen table. we actually worked as all volunteer group and moved to san francisco in the early 1990s where we just started by going community ogueand lkthe issue to

anyone who would listen. eventually so many women were coming to us for help and so many jewish groups wanted us to come and speak that we had too much business unfortunately to be a volunteer collective anymore. about eight years into the organization, we actually looked for funding, hired a professional staff, and opened our main office which is now based in east bay. we have both east and west bay offices and we provide services in all nine counties to jewish and nonjewish woman who are survivors of domestic violence. also i would love to have you talk about our youth program because in addition to helping women who are or who have been in these relationships, in 2002 we started our program. our third program is our community outreach and education which is really all

about engaging the community in a broader response to domestic violence and providing the training and education so everybody can be on board with the societal changes that need to happen in order to create a world where we don't have intimate partner violence at home. >> what a beautiful segway. >> thank you. yes, you asked why this is such an important issue and why people are bringing us in. one of the things i always say when i start my educational workshops is because we know one in four women will be affected by domestic violence, that means all of us are affected. if i am not the one in four, i will know one of those women. the name of our program is love shouldn't hurt. we start with middle school students in 6th grade and talking about what it means to be a good friend. we know understanding friendships in a healthy

dynamic and what like impafu relationships. we work with high school students, parents, educators, teaching them to recognize what is domestic violence, how to prevent it, how to support a friend. one of my main passions, teaching about healthy boundaries. we see understanding where our lines are not okay, where we wouldn't want someone to cross, it is an extremely part of preventing abusive relationships, being able to recognize subtle abuse that starts early in a relationship. if we haven't learned the warning signs and tools we may not recognize the relationship until we are further into it and it is much harder to leave a relationship at that point. >> we're going to take a quick break and come back mosaic in t conversation about domestic violence.

good morning. welcome back to mosaic. i am rabbi eric weiss and honored to be your host. we started a conversation about domestic violence in general particuln the sh to reintroduce

you to naomi tucker and safire, the youth program coordinator. shalom bayit means peace in the home. it's a kind of play, if we can use that word, on the importance of a jewish value that we have in general and in that by using that particular jewish value to apply to issues of domestic violence within jewish families. >> it's really our vision that every woman and child have the right to have peace in their own home. that is a basic foundation of any healthy community, to be able to be safe in your own home. >> naomi, what have you seen over the years in terms of community changes in response, changes in community impact, changes in ways in which the community perceives this issue and is willing to talk about the issue? >> i think there has been enormous change. in the beginning when we started, nobody would talk

about domestic violence in the jewish community. now i think the jewish community here in the san francisco bay area is very much aware of the t estion safowomeo. when theturiend or clergy person or a teacher to get help, that person is more likely to believe them and connect them to supportive environments. we have an active 80 member advisory council now with so many clergy who are supporting our work in many ways including speaking about it publicly within their congregations. i think that changes the communal conversation about how we think about domestic violence and makes it possible for us to both change behaviors and also encourage women to come forward if they do need help. i think that the community response has completely shifted over time and my hope is that if that keeps going in that direction, some day we will

live in a world where people are fe in ye whev talk ic violence, there is such an important aspect of impact in education that has to pay attention to the sensitivity of particular cultural frames. i am wondering in your work with youth, what are cultural jewish value frames that you pay attention to in this particular way with domestic violence? >> that's a great question. one of the things that makes work unique is looking at this, how can we take jewish values, jewish traditions and use it towards healing in our women's program as well as prevention. one of the things i do that i love is taking ancient text and looking at how can this apply to our day to day life interactions? for example this idea that we are all created in god's image?

each person should be created equally. get youth to look at this and how it is with our lives today. >> when you use the word text, you are referring to an excerpt from the bible or an excerpt from other jewish sacred text. >> exactly. from ancient jewish scholars. rabbi hill is one we talk about a lot. talking about how we should treat each other equally. the rest is commentary, go and learn. he is telling us the core jewish value is that we deserve to be treated equally. >> can you talk a little bit about how you see changes in the youth that you work with? >> one of the tangible places where i see change is when you

have opportunity to work with youth over the years. i will reach students in 6th grade and do a follow in 7th , 8th. i have teens saying because of your workshop i realized the relationship i was in was not healthy and i was able to get out of it. now i am supporting my peers and having healthy relationships. that's when i know this is the work i am supposed to be doing. >> i am wondering if for the youth you work with who come to the self reflective insight, do you have a sense of how act of self reflection affects them in other s of their life outside of range of domestic violence and issues. >> i think giving people the opportunity to learn skills about how to communicate, how to have difficult conversations, how to be uncomfortable and get through it are skills and tools they will use. i say to teens math is very

important. sometimes you don't realize how you will use it day to day. this is like talking about healthy relationships. focusing on peer, intimate relationships i use skills i teach in relationships at work, in talking with people on the street. this work applies to so many parts of our lives. i see it as beneficial to youth not just in peer relationships but all parts of this are work. >> what you are saying is so important because there are so many aspects of human life where we must focus on a particular aspect and come to understand from the particularism what the holistic issues are as they apply to a healthy lifestyle no matter what people are dealing with in particular. >> right. domestic violence is really about power and control and one person maintaining that control systematically in a relationship. when we teach people tools to prevent abuse in their lives, we are teaching them tools to

empower themselves and to have autonomy in their lives, to value independence, to not allow themselves to be controlled by another person. similarly we are teachingyoun to n harm someone e ss in a re else also. those are skills that we absolutely can apply in our lives to be happier healthier humans. there are other issues that are related. while we are doing prevention youth with work around dating violence of course we are also giving tools to prevent sexual assault and child abuse and other kinds of issues that might come up in their lives because they're the same basic tools. we think that's important in terms of preventing all kinds of abuse. >> thank you so much. we are going to take another quick break. we're going to welcome another guest from shalom bayit with naomi when we return to mosaic.

good morning. welcome back to mosaic. we are in the middle of a wonderful important conversation about domestic violence and domestic violence in particular in the like to re to naomi tucker who the

founding director of shalom bayit and coordinator of professional services. welcome back. >> thank you for having us. >> can you tell us what a coordinator of counseling services does? >> sure. we get calls from a wide variety of mostly women. there are male victims of domestic violence as well but statistics show us the vast majority are women. women call us whether they're sotimes they've been out for years and are now processing the trauma and needing support because of some of the repercussions whether they're financial or related to other legal issues in their lives. most of the women that call are jewish but we serve women from all faith communities and women not affiliated religiously. some of the women who call us have children and are looking for help for their family and

others are single individuals. we see people from all over socioeconomic status and all over the bay area. >> you mention children. i wonder if you can talk about what you see from your perspective about impact of domestic violence in particular on children? >> yes. children are really impacted by domestic violence. women cite the number one reason they leave an abusive relationship is for the sake of their children's well being. but it's also the number one reason women choose to stay, because they want their children to have two parents. they believe they're doing the best for their children. studies show that children especially when they're young and learning so much about the world, it can be very dangerous to be in an environment where what's taught is your trust can be violated, seaworthy unthat loves you can also hurt you, and to be under the level of cronic stress of having that kind of fighting in the home. it's a sad story for children but also the good news is

children are incredibly resilient. when they have modeled to them that their parent is leaving and no longer tolerates the abuse and usually mom gets help and often children need therapy, they can heal. they can learn violence isn't a normal thing. their brains are still absorbing new information. that's a great time to focus on intervening and helping the whole family unit. >> we live in a part in the bay area and country with a versit serv no matter the profile of the abuser? >> i guess i am wondering what you mean about the profile? >> sometimes in a same sex relationship or a relationship with somebody who may or may not be a married partner or even a domestic partner. an abuser can be a member of one's family across the board or an abuser can be a friend or

some other adult in one's life. >> we primarily focus on inte partner relationships which does indicate dating, married, having a child together, having once dated, having once been married. we will provide support and some counseling or direction for anyone calling us about abuse in any form from anyone in their family unit or community. we are very lgbtq friendly. we are a really diverse staff. we are open to different ethnic groups. we speak a couple languages on our staff. we try and be welcoming for anyone who gives us a cause. >> thank you. we need to take a break but can you talk about what i think is naturally on people's minds when they hear about the service which is the fee structure. >> all services are free. that's incredibly important because battered women often don't have access to finances even if they have a is probably

controlling the income. financial control like physical violence or emotional abuse or other forms of isolation is a common part of the pattern of abuse. it is extremely important that finances not be a barrier for women getting services. women can come to us and all our services are free. they can know they can get whatever help they need for as long as they need and we will walk with them all the way. >> wonderful. we are going to take another quick break and return to mosaic in just a moment.

good morning. welcome back to mosaic. we are ending a really important and lovely conversation about domestic violence and domestic violence in particular in the jewish community. i would like to reintroduce to executive director of shalom bayit. can you talk about the concrete services provided to people? >> the first service is our phone counseling line. it's not a 24 hour hot line but

during business hours we try as hard as we can to answer the phone. anyone answering the phone is able to provide guidance, emotional support, some kind of concrete planning for next steps when someone is calling us. two main counseling programs are really lovely. we have support group services both in the east bay and throughout the rest of the bay area on a rotating basis. support groups are a chance for women who have been abused to come together and feel they're less alone and some of the shame and secrecy is broken down. we have women who have experienced bad physical violence, women would have financial abuse, women who have verbal and psychological abuse. they all get together a work on healing. i offer individual counseling focused around trauma and healing from the abuse and navigating spirituality within a jewish lens after something atrocious like this has happened. then the other services we

provide are around navigating systems. sometimes women have to go to court, have to lito geon publi benefits the loa lot lable asso to help navigating system. small grants of financial assistance for women who need money to start fresh, to heal from their abuse. >> you remind us that domestic violence is more than physical contact. it's more than hitting. >> i hear from a lot of women that it's not really that bad or "i am not sure i count" because he only hit me once. that's really sad that that's a stereotype of what domestic violence is and who a victim is. domestic violence is so much more. it is exerting power and control over someone. if you don't need to hit the person, they may never strike you but it is still an abusive relationship. >> can you talk about issues of

confidentiality and exquisite ways in which shalom bayit works in that way because among the many barriers for folks to call is a degree to which somebody can feel that they're not going to get suddenly a return phone call that might alert somebody to what they have done. people have a very reasonable concern about confidentiality and those kinds of issues. can you talk a little bit about that piece of it from the shalom bayit perspective. >> confidentiality, safety are incredibly important. we ask what women's names are and what caller's names are. no one has to provide a name if they don't feel comfortable. when we ask for phone numbers in case we are returning a call, we ask is it safe is isaf any we are? would ay soinelse? perhaps calling with a medicine

refill. >> thank you so much. we have honestly just a minute left. i am wondering if you would like to add or i am curious to know what you would radioic to say about what any individual might do to support this issue in general. >> sure. in the state of california all domestic violence programs are protected under statewide confidentiality laws. women should know we don't give out their names or information to anyone else including law enforcement. that i think is really important in order for people to feel safe to call. >> thank you. >> also i think it is important for the community to know that what each person does matters in helping us to stop domestic violence. a few things people can do are help. s. th starts as soon as our kid can talk. i think that's important

through their lifetime. >> thank you so much. we need to put a comma in the conversation. we can see there is so much more to talk about. please take the issue seriously and talk among yourselves and thank you so much for being with us here on mosaic. the 7pm news, weeknights on kpix 5.

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