(upbeat music) . good morning, and welcome to mosaic. i'm rabbi eric weiss. we are going to have a serious conversation this morning about domestic violence, and in particular, domestic violence in the jewish community. i would like to introduce you to naomi tucker,

the executive director of shalom. welcome. >> good morning, thank you for having us. let's talk a little bit about why is domestic violence such an important topic of conversation for us in general in our culture, but in particular, in on you jewish community? >> sure. shalom started 24 years ago. although there was a robust domestic violence movement in the united states, we noticed that jewish women were not accessing services and that in fact the in the jewish community, people weren't talking about the issue and sort of bought into the myth that the jewish community doesn't suffer from those problems. and we knew from domestic violence statistics, that that, in fact isn't true and that 1 in 4 women in their adult life time may be a victim of domestic violence, regardless of their ethnic background or religion or where they live in the world. so we

wanted to be able to figure out how we could get the message out to those women and how we could help them. that is why we started a program specifically in our faith and cultural community to be able to talk about the issue and breakthrough the denial about abuse in our community. and be able to have a communal conversation so we could make it safe for women to come forward and get help. >> in a moment we are going to ask safir to talk about it. i'm wondering since you are the founding executive director to talk briefly about that history. >> sure. we actually started around the kitchen table in foster city on the peninsula, where i was working at a battered women shelter and not

seeing jewish women coming forward. we actually worked as an all volunteer group and then moved to san francisco in the early 1990s, where we just started by going to jewish community groups and synagogues and talking about the issue to anyone who would listen. eventually, so many women were coming to us for help and so many jewish groups wanted us to come and speak, we had too much business, unfortunately, to be a volunteer collective any more, about eight years into the organization. >> so we actually looked for funding, hired a professional staff and opened our main office, which is now based in the space. so we now have both west and east offices and we provide services in all nine counties to judicial nonjewish women who are survivors of domestic violence. we also, i want to have

safir talk about our youth program. we want to ultimately teach the young people the skills to not have to become our clients in the first police. d ogram is our community outreach and education, which is really all about engaging the community in withocietages that o domestic i need to happen in order to create a world where we don't have intimate partner violence at home. >> safir, what a beautiful way to talk about what you do. >> reporter: sure. you asked why is it such an important issue. and one of the things i often say when i first start my educational workshops is because we know 1 in 4 women in their lifetime will be affected by domestic violence, what that actually means is all of us are affected. even if i myself is not that 1 in 4, i'm going to know one of those women. when i

walk into my classroom. our program is love shouldn't hurt. we work with as young as sixth grade talking about what it looks like and what it means to be a healthy friend. we know understanding friendships and what that impacts absolutely impacts future dating relationships. we work with high school students, college students, parents, as well as educators, and teaching them what it recognize what is domestic violence, how to prevent it, how to support a friend. and one of my main passions, teaching about healthy boundaries. because we see understanding where we wouldn't want someone to cross in a relationship is an extremely important part. being able to recognize subtle types of abuse that often start early, early on in a relationship. but if we haven't learned those warning signs and the tools, we may not recognize the relationship until we are much further into it and it is much harder to leave at that point. >> we are going to take a quick

break and come back to mosaic in just a moment. please return to this important conversation about domestic violence.

. good morning, and welcome

back to mosaic. i'm rabbi eric weiss and honored to be your host this morning. we have started a wonderful and very important conversation about domestic violence in general and domestic violence in particular in the jewish community. we'd like to reintroduce you to naomi tucker, the founding executive director of shalom. and safir, the youth coordinator. it is a hebrew phrase that means peace in the home. within a jewish cultural countability, it is a kind of play, if we can use that word on the importance of a jewish value we have and using that to apply to the issues of domestic violence within jewish families. >> well it is really our vision that every woman and child have the right to have peace in their own home. this is a basic foundation of any healthy community. to be able to be safe in your own home. >> so naomi, what have you

seen, over the years in terms of community changes in response? changes in the ways in which the community perceives this issue and is willing to talk about this issue? >> i think there has been an enormous change. in the beginning, when we started, nobody would even talk about domestic violence in the jewish community and now, i think the jewish community here in the san francisco bay area is very much aware of the existence of domestic violence. people don't question it as much, and that actually makes it much safe forewomen to come forward. and when they do turn to a friend or clergy person or a teacher to get help, that person is much more likely to believe them and connect them to supportive environments. we also have an active 80 member council advisory now with so many clergy who are supporting our work in many ways, including speaking about it publicly within their congregations. and i think that changes the communal conversation about how we think about domestic violence, and makes it possible for us to

both change the behaviors and also encourage women to come forward if they do need help. so i think that the community response has completely shifted over time x my hope is, if that keeps going in that direction, some day we'll live had a world where people really are safe in their own homes. >> yes, safir, whenever we talk about an important issue like domestic violence, there is such an important aspect of the aspect of impact and education that has to pay attention to the sensitivity of particular cultural frames. so i'm wondering in your work with youth, what are the cultural jewish value frames that you pay attention to in this particular way with domestic violence? >> yeah, that is a great question. how can we take our jewish values, jewish traditions and use it toward healing in our women's program as well as prevention? so one of the things i do is taking

thousands year old texts, even texts from the torah, the bible, and looking at how can this text apply to our day-to-day life interactions? for example that each person deserves to be treated equally? and thinking about how can i take this text and look at how it applies to my relationships today? with friends, with peers and romantic relationships. >> and when you use the word text, you are referring to an excerpt from the bible? or an excerpt from other jewish sacred texts like the talmud? >> exactly. talmud from ancient jewish scholars, rabbi hilal is one we quote a lot. talking about the golden rule and talking about the entire torah is all about how we should treat each other equally. the rest is commentary, go and learn. he is telling us the

core jewish value is that we all deserve to be treated equally. can you talk about how you see changes in the youth you work with? >> one of the places where i really see change is i have the opportunity to work with youth, and often i'll reach students in sixth grade and do a physical up program in seventh grade and eighth grade and keep going in high school. i have teens come up to me afterward and say because of your workshop, i realized the relationship i was in was in the healthy and i was able to get out of it. now i'm supporting my peers and having healthy relationships. those are the moments i go yes, this is the work i'm meant to be doing. >> you remind me how important self reflective learning is. i'm wondering about the youth who come to that insight, do you have a sense of how the act of self reflection affects them in other parts of their life, outside of say the range of domestic violence and healthy relationship issues? >> i think giving young people

the opportunity to learn skills like how to communicate, how to have difficult conversations, how to be uncomfortable and get through it. they are skills and tools we will use in all parts of our life. i always say to teens math is very important. sometimes you don't realize how you are going to use it day to did i. just like talking about healthy relationships. even though we are focusing on peer relationships, intimate relationships, i use the skills i teach in my relationships at work, and in talking with people on the street. this work really amaze to so many different parts of our lives. i see it as beneficial to youth, not just in their peer relationships but in all parts of their life. >> you know what you are saying, i think is so important. because there are so many aspects of human life where we must focus on a particular aspect. and ultimately come to understand there that particularism what the holistic universal issues are as they apply to a healthy lifestyle, no matter what people are dealing with in particular.

>> right. so domestic violence is really about power and control. and one person maintaining that control, systematically in a relationship. so when we teach people the tools, to prevent abuse in their lives, we are actually teaching them the tools to empower themselves. and to have autonomy in their lives and to value independent and to not allow themselves to be controlled by another person. similarly, we are teaching young people the value of how they have skills in a relationship to not do that. to harm someone else. those are skills we can apply in our lives to be happier, healthier human beings. >> while we are out there working with youth around dating violence, of course we are also giving them the tools to prevent sexual assault and child abuse and other kinds of issues that might come up in their lives, because they are the same basic tools. so we think that that is really important in terms of

preventing all kinds of abuse. >> naomi, safir, thank you so much. we are going to take another quick break. we are going to say goodbye to safir and welcome another guest with naomi when we return to mosaic.

. good morning and welcome back to mosaic. we are in the middle of a wonderful and very important conversation about domestic violence and domestic violence in particular in the jewish community. i would like to reintroduce you to naomi tucker, who is the founding executive director of shalom, and introduce you now anew to sarah, the director of counseling services. >> thank you for having us. >> sarah, can you let us know who calls shalom and what you do? >> sure. absolutely. we get calls from a wide varieties of mostly women. there are some male victims of domestic violence as well, but statistics show us the vast majority are women. women call us, whether they are in an abusive relationship, thinking about getting out. or sometimes they have been out of a relationship for years and are now processing the trauma and needing support because of some of the repercussions, financial, or related to other relish use in their lives. most

of the women that call us are jewish, but we do serve women from all faith communities and women who are mott affiliated religiously. some of the women who call us have children and are looking for help for their whole family, and others are single individuals. so we see people from kind of all over socioemic statusnd from e bay area. >> you know you mentioned children. i'm wondering if you can talk a little bit about what you see from your perspective about the impact of domestic violence, in particular on children? >> yes. so children are really impacted by domestic violence. and actually, women cite the number one reason they leave an abusive relationship is for the sake of their children's well-being. but it is also the number one reason they choose to stay. they want their children to have two parents. they believe they are doing the best. but what studies show is children have especially when they are young and learning so much about the world, it can be dangerous to be in an

environment where what is taught is that your trust can be violated. that someone that loves you can also hurt you. and to be under the level of chronic stress of having that kind of fighting in the home. so it is a sad story for children, but also the good news is, that children are incredibly resilient. so when they have modeled to them their parent is leaving and no longer tolerates the abuse and when usually mom gets help and often the children need therapy, they can heal. they can learn that violence isn't normal in relationships. their brains are still absorbing new information. it is a great time to focus on intervening and helping the whole family unit. >> we live in a part of the country in the bay area with a vast diversity. does shalom provide services no matter the profile of the abuser? >> yes. so i guess i'm wondering what you mean? >> sometimes people are in domestic violence relationships

with the same sex relationship or with somebody who may or may not literally be a married partner or even a domestic partner. so an abuser can be a member of one's family across-the-board or a friend. >> yes. >> or some other adult in one's life. >> reporter: so we primarily phoning cuss on intimate partner relationships, which does indicate dating, married, having a child together, having once dated, having once been marriee will provide support and some counseling or direction for anyone who is calling us about abuse in any form from anyone in their family unit or their community and we are very lgbtq friendly. we are a diverse staff, open to different ethnic groups. we speak a couple of happenings. so we try to be welcoming for anyone who gives us a call. thank you, sarah. naomi, we need to take a quick break but before we do, can you talk about what is

naturally on people's minds when they hearing about your service, which is the fee structure? >> all our services are free. that is incredibly important. because battered women often don't have access to finances, even if they have a job. their abuser is probably controlling the income. financial control, just like physical violence or emotional abuse or other forms of isolation is a common part of the pattern of abuse. so it is extremely important that finances not be a barrier for women getting services. so women can come to us and all our services are free, and they can know that they can get whatever help they need for as long as they need, and we with ill walk with them all the way. wonderful. naomi and sarah we are going to take another quick break and return to mosaic in just a moment.

. good morning and welcome back to mosaic. i'm rabbi eric weiss and honored to be your host. we are ending a really important and lovely conversation about domestic violence and domestic violence in particular in the jewish community. so i would like to reintroduce you to naomi tucker who is the founding executive director of shalom and sarah, the director of counseling services. welcome. >> sarah, can you talk a little bit more about the concrete services shalom provides people? >> so the first service we provide is our phone counseling

line. it is not 24 hours, but during business hours, we try as hard as we can to answer the phone. and anyone who is answering the phone is able to provide guidance, emotional support and some kind of concrete planning for next steps when someone is calling us. and then two of our main counseling programs are really lovely. we have support group services both in the east bay and throughout the rest of the bay area on a rotating basis and expert groups are a chance for women who have been abused to come together and fell they are less alone and some of the shame and secrecy is broken down. we have women in those groups who experienced very bad physical violence, women who have had financial abuse, women who have had a lot of verbal and psychological abuse and they all get together and work on healing. of course i offer individual counseling focused on trauma and healing from the abuse and sort of navigating spirituality within a jewish lens after something atrocious like this has happened. and then the other services

we provide are around navigating systems. sometimes women have to go to court, they have to file police reports, they ned to get on public benefits, if they have lost a lot of income, and i'm available as a social worker. and lastly, we are lucky enough to have some capability to provide small grants of financial assistance for women who need money to start fresh. to heal from their abuse. you know you remind us that domestic violence is more than physical contact. it is more than hitting. >> i hear from a lot of women, that it is not really that bad. or i'm not sure i count as a domestic violence victim, because he only hit me once. and that is really sad that that is a stereotype of what domestic violence and who a victim is. because domestic violence is so much more. it is exerting power and control over someone. if you don't need to hit that person to control them, the batterer may never actually strike you. but it is still an abusive relationship. >> can you talk a little bit

about the issues of confidentiality and the way shalom works? among the many, many barriers for folks to call any domestic violence help structure is a degree to which somebody can feel that they are not going to get suddenly a return phone call that might alert somebody to what they have done. people have a very reasonable concern about confidentiality, and those kinds of issues. can you talk a little bit about that piece of it? >> confidentiality and safety are incredibly important to us. so we ask what women's names are or callers names are when they call us. no one of has to provide a name if they don't feel comfortable with that. >> also when we ask for phone numbers, in case we are returning a phone call, we and ask is it safe to call you? is it safe to loaf a message? or would you like us to call and say something else? perhaps we are calling with a medicine re'til. thank you so much. naomi,

we have honestly just a minute left. so i'm wondering if you would like to add to whatever sarah said. also i'm curious to know what you might say about what any individual might do to support this issue, in general. >> sure, i want to say also in the state of california, all domestic violence programs are protected under state wide confidentiality laws. women should know we don't give out their names or information to anyone else, including law enforcement. that, i think is really important for people to feel safe to call. but also, i think it is important for the community to know that what each person does, matters. helping us to stop domestic violence. in our society. so a few things people can do are to listen and support and believe someone who tells you they are being abused. and connect them to services. also talk to our kids. talk about how to have healthy friendships. that starts as soon as our kids could talk. i think that is important

throughout their lifetime so they learn the skills to have healthy relationships. thank you so much. we need to put a comma in the conversation. we can see there is so much more to talk about. please take this issue seriously and talk amongst yourselves. thank you so much for being here with us on mosaic.

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