♪ so no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪ ♪ your job's a joke, you're broke ♪ ♪ your love life's d.o.a. ♪ ♪ it's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪ ♪ and it hasn't been your day ♪

♪ your week, your month, or even your year ♪ ♪ but i'll be there for you ♪ ♪ 'cause you're there for me, too. ♪ hey, you guys, you guys chandler's coming. he says he has incredible news. so when he comes, let's all act like... hey. never mind. but it was going to be really good. what's going on? what's up? it's a typical day at work. big al calls me into his office and says he wants to make me processing supervisor. that is great! congratulations. so... i quit. why? this was supposed to be a temp job. chandler, you've been there for five years. but if i took this promotion it'd be like admitting that this is what i actually do. is it a lot more money? it doesn't matter.

i just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until 12:00 at night worrying about the weenus. the... the weenus? "weekly estimated net usage systems." it's a processing term. oh... that weenus. so, what are you going to do? i don't know. i just know i won't figure it out working there. oh! i have something you can do. i have this new massage client-- steve. anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef. um... hi, there. hi. oh, yeah, i know, you're a chef. and i thought of you first. but chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so... i just don't have a lot of cheffing experience. unless it's an all-toast restaurant. yeah, yeah. what kind of food is he looking for? he wants to do something eclectic. so he's looking for someone

who can create the entire menu. oh, my god! yeah, i know. so what do you think? thanks, pheeb. i just don't really see myself in a big white hat. okay. oh, monica, guess what! can you see my nipples through this shirt? n-no. but don't worry-- i'm sure they're still there. where are you going mr. suity-man? well, i have an appointment to see dr. robert pillman-- career counselor a-go-go. i added the "a-go-go." career counselor? hey, you guys all know what you want to do. i don't. hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. you have goals, you have dreams. i don't have a dream. ah, the lesser-known "i don't have a dream" speech.

oh, i love my life! i love my life! brian's song! rachel: the meeting with that guy went great? it was so great. he showed me where the restaurant's going to be. it's not too big, it's not too small. it's just right. was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears? i'm cooking dinner for him monday night. kind of like an audition. phoebe, he really wants you here. which is great, 'cause then you can make yummy noises. what are you making? yummy noises. and, monica, what are you going to make? i don't know. it's just got to be so great. oh! i know what you could make. you should make that thing with the stuff. you know that... thing. with the stuff. okay, i don't know. does anyone know a good date place in the neighborhood?

uh... how about tony's? if you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free. okay. hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma? who are you going out with? oh! is this the bug lady? ( buzzing ) "i love you, ross." her name is celia. she's not a bug lady. she's curator of insects at the museum. so what are you guys going to do? we'd go out to dinner and then maybe bring her back to my place and i'd introduce her to my monkey. and he's not speaking metaphorically. sooo... back to your place. you're thinkin' maybe... heh-heh? ( clears throat ) well, i don't know, heh-heh. i'm hoping, heh-heh. i'm telling you-- that monkey is a chick magnet. she's going to take one look at his furry cute little face

and it'll seal the deal. ( screaming ) soothing tones, celia. ( screaming louder ) marcel, marcel... i can't stand this. he's got his claws on my... yeah. okay. try this salmon mousse. mmm. good. yeah? is it better than the other salmon mousse? it's creamier. yeah. well, is that better? i don't know. we're talking about whipped fish. i'm just happy i'm keeping it down. oh, my god! what happened to you? eight and a half hours of aptitude tests intelligence tests, personality tests and what do i learn? "you are ideally suited for a career in data processing

for a large multinational cooperation." that's so great 'cause you already know how to do that. can you believe it? don't i seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? i just always pictured myself doing something... something. oh, chandler, i know. i know. oh, hey! you can see your nipples through this shirt. here you go. maybe this will cheer you up. i had a grape about five hours ago. so i better split this with you. it's supposed to be that small. it's a pre-appetizer. the french call it an amuse bouche. well, it is "amoozing." ( phone rings ) hello? oh, hi, wendy. yeah, 8:00.

what did we say, ten dollars an hour? okay, great. i'll see you then. bye. ten dollars an hour for what? i asked a waitress at work to help me out. waitressing? uh-oh. well, of course i thought of you. but... but... but-but? but, you see this night has to go just perfect, you know. well, wendy's more of a... professional waitress. oh. i see. and i've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that i can waitress in the olympics. you know, i don't mean to brag but i waited tables at innsbruck in '76. amuse bouche?

( moans ) talk to me. okay, uh... ( clears throat ) a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning. no, no, no, no. talk dirty. well... here? ah... say something... hot. uh... um... what? wh... what? ( snarls ) um... what?

"vulva"? all right. i panicked. all right? she... she took me by surprise. but it wasn't a total loss. i mean, uh, we ended up cuddling. whoa, you cuddled? how many times? shut up. it was nice. i didn't... i just don't think i'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know? what's the big deal? you just say what you want to do to her and what you want her to do to you and what you think other people might be doing to each other. look. i tell you what. try something on me. please be kidding. why not? come on. just... just close your eyes d e what you'd like to be doing right now.

okay. i'm, uh... i'm in my apartment... yeah... what else? that's it. i'm in my apartment. you're not there. we're not having this conversation. i'll start, okay? joey, please. ready? look. oh, ross... you get me so hot. i want your lips on me now. huh? hmm. all right. now you say something. i, uh, i really don't think so. you like this woman, right? well, yeah. you want to see her again, right? sure. if you can't talk dirty to me how you going to talk dirty to her? now, tell me you want to caress my butt. okay. turn around. i just don't want you staring at me when i'm doing this. alright. oking. i just don't want you staring at me when i'm doing this. okay. ( clearing throat )

i want... okay, i want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips. there you go. keep going. keep going. i, uh... i want to take my tongue, and... and, and... say it. say it! run it all over your body until you're... ...trembling with... ( chair scraping ) with... with..?

funny story. you're not going to believe this. it's okay. it's okay. i was rooting for you two kids to get together. while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again. again? and again and again and again. and again. ( phone ringing ) hello. and again. hi, mr. kostelic. how's life on the 15th floor? yeah. i miss you too. it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? well, that's very generous. uh, but look this isn't about the money. i need something more than a job, something... and that's on top of the year-end bonus structure? dream. dream. this is a rejection. no... no. stop saying... stop saying numbers.

you've got the wrong guy! i'll see you monday! nyah. huh? oh, wow! it's huge! this is so much bigger than the cubicle. this is a cube. look at this. ( gasping ) you have a window! yes, indeedy. with a beautiful view of... oh, look. that guy's peeing. okay. that's enough of the view. check this out. look at this. okay. sit down here. okay. this is good. this is great. now? helen, could you come in here for a moment?

thank you, helen. that'll be all. last time i do that, i promise. wendy, we had a deal. yeah. you promised. wendy... wendy... wendy! ( groans ) who was that? wendy bailed. i... i have no waitress. oh, that's too bad. bye-bye. ten dollars an hour. no. $12 an hour. mon, i wish i could, but i've made plans to walk around. when you ran out on your wedding i was there for you. i put a roof over your head and if that means nothing to you... ...$20 an hour. done.

well, hello. welcome to monica's. may i take your coat? hi, steve. hello, monica. hello, greeter-girl. this is rachel. yeah. okay. mmm. mmm... everything smells so delicious. i can't remember a time i smelled such a delicious combination of, of... okay. smells.

well, itbuall right.apartmr?s jt what..? what's up? i... in the cab, on the way over steve blazed up a doobie. what?! he smoked a joint. you know, lit a bone-- weed, hemp, ganja... okay, okay. okay, i'm with you, cheech. okay. is it dry in here? let me... let me get you some wine. i think we're ready for our first course. okay, um, these are rock shrimp ravioli in a cilantro ponzu sauce with just a touch of minced... ginger. well, smack my ass and call me judy. these are fantastic.

oh, gosh, i'm so glad you like them. like them? i could eat 100 of them. oh. well, that's all there is of these but in about eight and a half minutes we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets. tartlets? mm, uh-huh. tartlets? tartlets? the word has lost all meaning. excuse me. can i help you with anything? you know, i don't know what i'm looking for. ( sucking ) oh, cool! taco shells! these are like a little corn envelope, you know? you know what?

you don't want to spoil your appetite. hey, sugar os! you know, if you just wait another six and a half minutes... oh! macaroni and cheese! we got to make this. no. we don't. we... oh, okay. hey... oop! sorry. why don't you just have a seat here. okay... okay. give me the gummi bears. i... no. give them to me. i will share. no. give me the bears. then you can't have any. oh! oh! bears overboard! they're drowning. hey, fellows! grab on to a sugar o. save yourselves. ( imitating gummi bears ): help! help! we're drowning! help! help!

that's it! dinner is over. what? "what?" why? i've waited seven years for this and you can't wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet? ( timer rings ) hey! what a tool. you don't want to work for a guy like that. i know. i just thought that this was, you know, it. you'll get there. you're an amazing chef. yeah. you know all those yummy noises? i wasn't faking. ( clearing throat ) so, uh, how did it go with celia? oh, uh, i was unbelievable. all right, ross! i was the james michener of dirty talk. it was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. i mean, there were characters, plot lines

themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers. oh, ho-ho, and, uh, huh..? by the time we finished with all the dirty talk it was kind of late and we were both exhausted, so, um... you cuddled. which was nice. you guys want to try to catch a late movie? shouldn't we wait for chandler? whoa. where the hell is he? yes, fran, i know what time it is but i'm looking at the weenus, and i'm not happy. let me tell you something. you will care about it because i care about it. you got it? good! whoa... (male) there are many voices in today's world. everyone is voicing their opinions about everything, and jesus is no exception to that. what if there was a clear voice telling you exactly

who jesus is? (male announcer) join dr. david jeremiah as he teaches who jesus is and what that means for your life. tune in to dr. jeremiah's new series, "christ above all", on the next "turning point", right here on this station. how's this? ( yells ) sorry. how 'bout over here? ( groans ) see? that means it's working. does this hurt? no. how 'bout this? ( screaming ) there you go. [captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation] ( grunting ) ah, ooh, ah... oh, i'm going to throw up.

♪ ♪ this is the cbs news special report. the coronation of king charles iii. good morning, everybody. i'm michelle miller at westminster abbey in london. the westminster bells are tolling. 10 a.m. here. it's much earlier back home stateside, is it not, jeff? >> it is, indeed. the rain has held