we all got to grow up and toughen up. just be nice to the next person. >> the officer originally set a $500 goal, but the fundraiser raked in $700. >> good. >> this is karma at its finest. >> that's a nice tip. >> people say gen z is it lazy. >> middle of the snowstorm, oh, i don't want to go out of the house. i'll have somebody else go out and bring me the food i'm too lazy to get. good for that guy. >> i would like to think if they learned what he went through, they would have increased the tip, but i don't know. >> i doubt it. >> at least he gets $700 now. thank you for watching! "the late show" with stephen colbert is n >> this supreme court ruling on all law that could ban tiktok. >> users have moved to an app far more chinese than tiktok.

it's known as red note. it translates into "little red book." as in i'll take tong's guide to communist ideology. users are rushing to read note in a kind of defiance. they want to show they like chinese apps despite lawmakers trying to ban it. >> looking to protest the imminent tiktok ban? have we got the app for you. introducing, give us your xi-screts. participate in viral trends like #recordprivateconversationswith friendswhoworkingovernment. or this lit makeup tutorial. don't forget to show us your dance moves while holding up your commonly used passwords. give us your xi-crets, now available in the app store.

>> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight... mast hysteria! plus, stephen welcomes adam scott! and treasury secretary janet yellen! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: oh! ♪ ♪ good to see you, friends. thank you, thank you. welcome. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen, you know we do our best to do a good show for everybody at home but i have

no illusions about what people watch this program. i know that at the end of the day, people just want to come home, lay down, and relax with some erotic constitutional debate. well, you're in luck, folks. because today, the supreme court heard a challenge from pornhub to a texas law that requires age verification. no surprise they heard the pornhub case on wednesday, it is hump-day. gotta get over it. gotta get over the hump. now, if there are any children watching this with you, please send them out of the room. they're far too innocent to see an uncensored image of samuel alito. the case here is about the first amendment rights and privacy, because if folks are forced to upload their i.d.s to see the porn, it creates a host of privacy issues and risks data theft for everyone who's ever visited pornhub, aka no one, according to everyone.

[laughter] justice amy coney barrett pointed out that pornography is everywhere these days. >> it's been 20 years since ashcroft. the iphone was introduced in 2007, and ashcroft was decided in 2004. i mean, kids can get online porn through gaming systems, tablets, phones, computers. >> stephen: and, most disturbing of all, through their calculators. it's happened to all of us. addressing the lawyer for pornhub, justice thomas took a moment to reminisce about the olden days. >> you would admit, though, that we're in an entirely different world. i mean, playboy was about squiggly lines on cable tv. [laughter] >> stephen: squiggly lines? sir, we're all adults. it's called a vagina. but the highlight of this

hearing came when justice samuel alito revealed his knowledge of pornhub. >> one of the parties here is the owner of pornhub, right? >> yes. is it like the old playboy magazine? you have essays there by the modern-day equivalent of gore vidal and william f. buckley jr.? >> stephen: no, justice alito, no vidal or buckley, but a fair amount of dickens. thank you very much. thank you very much. by the way, nice cover, bro. "uh, again, uh, what's the name of this website that i've never been to? is it "prawn...hug?" full of trenchant essays about a loving embrace of two married heterosexual shrimp?" what else is going on? oh, here's something. monday, donald trump will be inaugurated president of the united states.

[booing] i know, but he won. let him have his special day. it's one day where he gets to feel pretty. but there's been an exciting development, 'cause you know how the flags at all federal facilities are at half-staff out of respect for the passing of president jimmy carter? well, trump didn't like that on his big day. so yesterday, speaker mike johnson ordered u.s. capitol flags raised to full height for trump's inauguration. to show he means no disrespect, johnson ordered that "the flags will be lowered back to half-staff the following day to continue honoring president jimmy carter." yeah, it is traditional to interrupt people's mourning with a little celebration. "next up, we'll hear from barbara's son tom, who will share memories of his beautiful mother. but first, karaoke! ♪ love shack ♪ ♪ is a little old place ♪ ♪ where we can get together! ♪ ♪ love shack, baby! ♪ tom?"

[applause] there's going to be one person notably absent on monday, because michelle obama will skip trump's inauguration. [cheers and applause] and so far, no explanation has been given. what could it be? some are speculating it's health-related, and that she came down with an incurable case of integrity. you know what she always says? "when they go low, i go 'byeee!'" hi. are you guys doing? you guys okay? one very special guest has been confirmed, because reportedly, the garbage truck that trump used for a campaign photo op will appear in his inauguration day parade, which personally i find surprising for several reasons. first, those trucks usually take out the garbage. second, you'll recall that

trump almost fell getting into the truck. and i assumed he had the door handle executed. of course, a lot of corporations are bellying up to the all-you-can-smooch trump butt buffet. but this next corporation stings. yesterday, the ceo of coca-cola made the pilgrimage down to mar-a-lago and gave trump this inaugural diet coke bottle with a picture of the white house and trump's name right on the label. it's not the first time an autocrat has been honored with a soft drink. who can forget the failed roll-out of dr stalin? dr stalin. [laughter] dr stalin. a trump spokesperson declared it was the first-ever presidential commemorative diet coke bottle. which is technically true. because while "the coca-cola company has a tradition of creating commemorative coca-cola bottles in celebration of u.s. presidential

inaugurations dating back to 2005," all those were regular coke. there's nothing more flattering than someone announcing, "hey, you! yeah, no, just you. you! go on a diet." yeah! you with the face, you. well, you know what? that is it. if diet coke is cozying up to an authoritarian administration, i am never drinking diet coke again. [cheers and applause] give me that [bleep]. [whispers] i'm sorry.

[laughter] [cheering] i want to personally thank whichever member of the crew shook that up before the show tonight. message received. this week, the senate is holding hearings for trump's cabinet nominees. first up today was trump's nominee for attorney general, florida a.g. and dance mom finding out kinsleigh didn't get a solo, pam bondi. now, while the attorney general is in the executive branch, of any administration it's very important that is an independent role. it's the people's attorney, not the president's personal attorney, which is why trump nominated bondi, who was his personal attorney. "and for secretary of

transportation, i'd like to nominate my uber driver, mark. he'll be here in five minutes. folks, i'm sorry, no, now it says 8 minutes! mark, that's a one way! wait. it's changed. now it looks i'm nominating maria, who will be here -- maria's car just spinning why is that happening?" bondi spent her confirmation hearing refusing to say whether she'd do trump's bidding, but she's certainly done it before. she defended trump in the first impeachment trial, spread his 2020 election lies, all over the place, and is also against marriage equality, arguing in 2014 that affirming same-sex marriage rights would "impose serious public harm." and gay marriage has definitely imposed serious harm at least on don jr. imagine, imagine hearing that

some people have two dads, and they both love you. [applause] the big hearing yesterday was for trump's pick for defense secretary, former fox news host pete hegseth, seen here begging his trainer for herring. one of the big issues yesterday was hegseth's statements attacking the military's attempts to promote diversity. republicans tried to defend him by claiming it was about standards. take missouri senator eric schmitt. >> in 2022, the air force couldn't meet their standards, their numbers, even though they lowered their standards. they have lowered their standards to meet numbers they still can't get to. mr. hegseth, we got to fix this. >> stephen: he's right. we do got to fix this. not only in our military

but also our "mil-tary." we must uphold standards in every branch of the mil-tary: not just the marins, the amy, and the air fork. but also the cost gurd! hegseth had some whoopsies of his own. illinois senator tammy duckworth gave him a little quiz on the association of southeast asian nations, or "asean." >> can you name the importance of at least one of the nations in the asean -- in asean -- and what type of agreement we have with at least one of those nations? and how many nations are in asean, by the way? >> i couldn't tell you the exact amount -- >> no, you couldn't. because you have not bothered to do -- >> i know we have allies in south korea and japan and in aucus with australia, trying to work on submarines with them. >> mr. hegseth, none of those countries are in asean. none of those countries are in asean. i suggest you do a little

homework. >> stephen: yeah, hegseth, do a little homework! all right? please. everybody knows that the asean countries are... come on, wikipedia. come on. no, i don't want to donate. fine, i don't know what the asean countries are either. so, it is with a heavy heart that i withdraw my nomination to be secretary of defense. i am not qualified to run the "mil-tary." evidently all i'm good for is wearing a suit on tv and reading off a prompter. just like pete hegseth. we got a great show for you tonight! my guests are adam scott and treasury secretary janet yellen. but when we come back, my tech segment, cyborgasm! oh, it's spicy tonight.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ >> stephen: give it up for louis cato and "the late show" band, everybody. welcome back.

there you go. [cheers and applause] i'm refreshed. i am refreshed. back on the planet. folks, i am continually amazed by modern technology. it allows us to put satellites in space, beam medical images to doctors across the planet, or for some rando on the plane to airdrop me a pic of his junk. thank you, 12b. it was unsolicited but better than trying to watch "black adam." and i like to bring you all the latest tech news in my tech segment, cyborgasm! ♪ ♪ [groaning] oh! [applause] first up, "a u.s.-based tech company has launched a female ai robot that can act as a companion while delivering

nearly human-like expressions." you know that robot was designed by men because they got as far as the boobs and went "we're done." all good. the company's ceo said his hope was to make robots "indistinguishable from humans" which could also tackle the male loneliness epidemic. i think you're overestimating the amount of realism men need. bear in mind, this is the gender who looked at a flashlight and thought, "i can work with that." i don't know what he means, honey. prawn hug? next up, in fast food news, chick-fil-a's lemon-squeezing robots are saving 10,000 hours of work. a spokesperson for chick-fil-a said, with the hours saved, employees can now spend more time doing what they really love: murdering chickens.

[laughter] die! one. that's how they do it. that's why it's so delicious. every chicken's hand-murdered. cows don't care. next up, in florida, peta has deployed an ai-powered robot calf to inform shoppers of the mutilations and violent deaths that are behind every leather jacket. that could actually be very effective, because calves are so cute, and i would imagine this version -- oh, god! kill it! kill it, jimmy! even more upsetting, the cow says to shoppers "are you wearing my mom?" to which the obvious answer is, "no, but she wore me out last night!

[applause] you can't change that? next up on the 'gas, ces, the annual consumer electronics show. this year's ces got spicy with the best sex toys of 2025. first up is "the handy," an automatic interactive stroker designed for penis owners. [laughter] penis "owner"? in this economy?! it's cheaper to lease. the same company that makes "the handy" debuted something for vagina owners called "the oh!" which uses audio signal processing to control the motor's vibrations, which means you could use spotify to create a different experience as the device synchronizes to the beat. but make sure you have spotify premium or your vibrator is gonna sync to the better help commercial.

"no! i do not want to be connected to a therapist right now!" next up, "scientists have built tiny virtual reality goggles for mice." the mouse vr goggles and this trackball "could help reveal how the brain deals with spatial navigation and memory." cool. jim, do we have footage of what that mouse was seeing? [pinging] finally, over in asia, a moon rover-inspired robot could be a game-changer for japan's aging farmers. which is good news because is there a more brutal profession than "aging farmer"? "all my bones hurt all the time. but on the bright side, i get up at 5 a.m., make no money, and never will." the semi-autonomous robot is able to carry picked produce across difficult terrain as well as cut grass and spray fields with pesticides. so robots have become farmers.

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>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the late show." thank you, my friends. please have a seat. folks, my first guest tonight is an actor you know from shows like "party down," "big little lies," and "parks & recreation." on friday, he returns for season two of "severance." >> so what are you going to do? >> well, i've got to get ready here. right? if she is my life. >> of course. assuming she's still here. though technically, strictly speaking, she's not your wife. >> sure, except we are the sameish person. >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show," adam scott.

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> adam: thank you very much. it's nice. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> adam: nice to see you, sir. thank you. >> stephen: i know this is a strange time it must be for you. you live in los angeles. you're from california. how are you and your family doing in this unbelievable, unimaginable disaster? >> adam: we are incredibly lucky. everybody is safe. my sweet, dear mother and father-in-law lost their home in altadena. but they're okay. and we're just going day by day and helping them out. a lot of people hurting and in need.

so really appreciate you every night kind of putting access to charities up on the screen and helping out. there's a lot of people in a lot of trouble out there. >> stephen: that's a good point. if you see that qr code right now, if you want to click on that, that will take you to the links on our home page that have further links on to california fire foundation, wildfire disaster relief fund from a world central kitchen, california community foundation, wildfire community fund, and the pasadena humane shelter. there's a couple suggestions for you right there. it's almost been three years since "severance" went off the air. the season finale was extraordinary. unbelievable cliffhanger. folks desperate to know what happens next. did you -- for all that time when you're

working on the new series and going over strips, how many people tried to pry information out of you? >> adam: you know, a lot. and it was nice when we finally had a release date. because it's been three years, which is a long time to make people wait. then finally when we had a release date, we can actually answer the question out of the world that is january 17th. the new season is starting. but yeah, even my daughter was trying to get information out of me. but the thing is -- >> stephen: holder she? >> adam: she is 16. >> stephen: at least she'll talk to you. >> adam: that's exactly right. it's the only thing i've ever done she's remotely interested in. my son who is 18, same thing. never cared at all. never seen "parks and recreation," anything. this time there are actually interested in trying to get information from me. but you know, i mean, if i tell them it takes all the fun out of

it. and you don't actually want to know. no one does. they just want to feel like they want to know. so i tell them that. she's like fine, do you wear a gray suit? i'm like well, yeah. she's like, fine. so that's as far as the interest goes. >> stephen: i've got a question about the release date. 1/17. january 17. something happen in room 117? >> adam: of course there is. no, i don't know. >> stephen: seems like you'll be the sort of thing you would do. you do incredible things like this yesterday? yesterday you did a pop-up office of lumon in the middle of grand central terminal. >> adam: this was super fun. we were in there for three hours. >> stephen: during macro data refinement? >> adam: we were just in their working and none of us peed at all for three hours.

it was fun. people gathered around and watched us do boring, monotonous office work. still one of the amazing things as i got a chance to years ago . we shot a thing there. you can actually do macro data refinement. those computers actually do -- they taught me how to refine. open the thing to get the numbers to go down. i could do that for a living. you could have joined us yesterday and helped us out in grand central station. i wish you did. >> stephen: i wish i did. no one invited me. >> adam: whose fault is that, stephen? >> stephen: ben stiller's. we do that's right. >> stephen: a lot of action to look forward to this next season which i really love. is he giving anything away to say the first -- >> adam: that's fine. still in the first thing we see is he running like hell. you were dashing like mad, really well, by the way.

really good running. >> stephen: you thought the running was good? >> stephen: my wife and i both said the running was good. not just convincing but kind of -- >> adam: like i know how to ru? >> stephen: with the intention and with urgency. >> adam: you've got to think about where you're going. you have to have a reason for going. >> stephen: you're not just running. you're running to some place that's very important that we not tell anyone where their places. >> adam: that's right. >> stephen: i'm just curious, we have our favorite people to watch run. did you pick someone? >> adam: tom cruise. he's the best runner in the world. >> stephen: a little bit of the blade hands. >> adam: the blade hands, the niece out. he's always running in uncomfortable clothes. >> stephen: he runs in a suit often. >> adam: right, so i had a suit and dress shoes and had to run under norma's amount. it took almost five months to shoot that sequence. often on for five months.

>> stephen: that one running sequence? question markets really beautifully done. >> adam: that is all ben stiller. we had our own wrap party we finished the running sequence. >> stephen: i'm a big fan of ben's. he's directing five episodes. you've also worked with other impressive directors, including martin scorsese. what is it like to shoot with marty? >> adam: it was wild. a small part in "the aviator" years and years ago. but it was so much fun. [laughs] >> stephen: that's a really good look. >> adam: [laughs] >> stephen: you make a really great 1920s sleaze ball. >> adam: i grew a mustache for the addition i was so excited. it was great. he would have screenings every sunday and put it on the call sheet, invite everyone to come

to see these old films. after the film you just get up and turn around and talk to everyone about the movie, lead a discussion about the movie for an hour and a half. >> stephen: what were you watching? >> adam: "on the waterfront," old classics. times of place would be full. sometimes it would be me and four other people. no matter what, he would stand up and lead the discussion of the film afterwards. really fun. >> stephen: "severance" focuses on a pretty terrible job. >> adam: yeah. >> stephen: have you had a terrible job? >> adam: yeah, i mean, sure. my first job i was making candy at the santa cruz beach boardwalk. >> stephen: like the hot bubbly stuff they put on -- >> adam: salt water taffy. i would make it from scratch. i was 14 years old, make it from scratch. >> stephen: on the polling thing? >> adam: yeah, you would cook it and put it on the thing and it stretches out. then you stretch it out and you put it, feed it into the thing

and chops it up and wraps it. i would go from soup to nuts, i would make salt water taffy. >> stephen: so you have a fallback position in case the acting doesn't work out. >> adam: you know what they called us. they called us candy boys. there was actual job title. i feel like i can carry that title with me for the rest of my days. >> stephen: i would have cards made up. adam scott. candy boy. >> adam: that's right. >> stephen: wow. adam, lovely to see you again. thank you so much for being h here. season two of "severance" premieres this friday on apple tv+. adam scott, everybody. we'll be right back with treasury secretary janet yellen. ♪ ♪ this skinny pop is amazing. and only three simple ingredients. we never have to stop. we never have to stop! hey guys i picked up some... surprise!

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>> secretary yellen: than thank you. >> stephen: secretary yellen, good to see you again. are you ready for this? i'm bringing out hot and hard. on monday will be the dramatic conclusion of the biden administration with a bit of a twist ending. are you sad to leave? are you ready to relax? what are you going to do? >> secretary yellen: it's bittersweet. i have a wonderful team. we have worked so well together. i'm going to really miss them. we will all miss one another. but we feel proud of what we've been able to accomplish. recently the economists of the u.s. economy is the envy of the world. [applause] is firing on all cylinders. >> stephen: why do you think -- this past election made it clear that 49.9% of american voters don't agree with you or don't

agree with the economist and that the economy was, according to polling, one of the biggest reasons why people put donald trump back into office. why do you think that message about the good economy, as you say, the best economy in the world right now especially of the advanced nations, came out of covid and the best shape regards of our inflation. could you have been a better cheerleader for the economy? >> secretary yellen: tried, tried to explain why were doing the best we could. we did see a huge increase in prices, something like 20% increase in the general price level over about three years. every advanced country saw exactly the same thing when russia invaded ukraine, energy prices rose. food price increases were associated with that. this was a shock to americans. it came on top of a long period

in which people have been really struggling with high housing costs, high health care costs, energy price bills, child care, making so many people feel it's tough to lead a middle-class life. now, when i look at the data, what it tells me is that wages also were increased. according to our calculations, the typical wage earner is able to afford no the same basket of goods and services as back before the pandemic. with $1600 left over to save or spend. [applause] so the typical worker is better off. >> stephen: you are handing over the keys to a good economy. trump says immediately wants to start something called the external revenue service. instead of the irs, the ers, to collect tariffs. why didn't you think of something that stupid? [laughter]

because we already have one. we have customs. they collect tariffs. >> secretary yellen: that's the deal. we have that agency, and trump has been saying it's important to have government efficiency, as his doge commission. stu and it's not a department even though they call it the department. department have to be established by congress and that hasn't been done. >> secretary yellen: if they're looking to save money for american taxpayers, setting up a duplicate of agency doesn't seem like a good first step. so, as you say... [cheers and applause] >> stephen: not the best idea. trump doesn't seem to understand the tariffs get paid by the american companies and then pass on those costs to american consumers. what will these tariffs as described due to our economy and do to the consumer? >> secretary yellen: well, it's like a tax increase for the american consumer. you go into a walmart, whether

you want to buy a t-shirt or a washing machine, anything that we buy, we buy a lot of imported consumer goods. they are going to be higher by the amount of the tariff. >> stephen: trump is also threatening economic force to make greenland and canada part of america. did you guys ever consider that? [laughter] >> secretary yellen: um... >> stephen: blue sky thinking, no rules, anything you want. what would you do to canada? >> secretary yellen: we were trying to make a lot of friends around the world and strengthen our partnerships. >> stephen: it makes you seem needy when you try to make friends. >> secretary yellen: yeah, no, we hadn't contemplated. making canada the 51st state, that wasn't part of our plans. >> stephen: so you don't like canadians? >> secretary yellen: we do

like canadians. >> stephen: if you do like somebody, why wouldn't you want them to be americans? what could be better than being an american, madam? >> secretary yellen: we are friends and their neighbors across the border and we have a long-standing positive relationship. >> stephen: okay, okay. we have to take a quick break. we're going to be right back with more treasury secretary janet yellen, everybody. my moderate to severe crohn's symptoms kept me out of the picture. now i have skyrizi. ♪ i've got places to go and i'm feeling free. ♪ ♪ control of my crohn's means everything to me. ♪ ♪ control is everything to me.♪ and now i'm back in the picture. feel significant symptom relief at 4 weeks with skyrizi, including less abdominal pain and fewer bowel movements. skyrizi helped visibly improve damage of the intestinal lining. and with skyrizi, many were in remission at 12 weeks, at 1 year, and even at 3 years. don't use if allergic. serious allergic reactions, increased infections,

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>> stephen: oh, hey, everybody. we are back with treasury secretary janet yellen. a couple of fun things to hit before we let you go. this was a fantastic headline from your time in office. this is from fox business. it says "treasury secretary janet yellen admits to eating hallucinogenic mushrooms during china visit. "delicious." secretary, legally i'm required to ask you, are you high right now? do i have a wolf head and a spider body? what's going on? tracers? >> secretary yellen: i asked for some hallucinogenic mushrooms before coming on but i haven't had them. so you're safe. they were delicious. we landed in beijing for very high stakes meetings. the first release unit economic meetings in several years. went out to dinner, arranged by our attache at the u.s. embassy.

he speaks mandarin. he ordered. we went to a restaurant that serves yunnanese food. what i later discovered after having some very delicious mushrooms is that, and disappeared the next day in chinese social media and became quite a tweet-storm. these particular mushrooms, if they're not cooked correctly, or hallucinogenic. well, it was a great restaurant. they were cooked properly. we had no idea that there was anything about these mushrooms until we realized this had become a media frenzy. but they were delicious and i recommend it. >> stephen: okay, good. [applause] while i've got you, you ever partake for real? i mean, have you ever...

your leaving office. you're not running. have you ever inhaled is what i'm asking? >> secretary yellen: well, i think the answer is yes. [cheers and applause] i mean, it's been a long time. i did have an opportunity to smoke pot when i was in college. >> stephen: okay. >> secretary yellen: the thing that happened is, i had never smoked. >> stephen: smoked at all? >> secretary yellen: at all. i never had a cigarette. here i just graduated from college. i have this opportunity. i was really looking forward to it. people said really, to get the impacts, to feel it, you need to inhale. well, i had never even smoked a cigarette. i'm the kind of person, i like to be prepared. i always prepare. i thought, what can i do? to prepare for this. i realized i should just go out and buy some cigarettes and try to learn to inhale. and so i did.

the first time i smoked these cigarettes, it was awful. i was coughing. i was terrible. i couldn't imagine how anybody could inhale. i thought while, a couple weeks, i can practice. i bought a lot of cigarettes. i spoke to them. i learned to inhale. well, so we smoked pot. it was okay. neither here nor there. i didn't really do it again for the rest of my life. but within six months, i was smoking three packs a day. >> stephen: how long did that go on? >> secretary yellen: for a decade, and then i quit cold turkey. [applause] >> stephen: good for you. secretary, thank you so much for being here. treasury secretary janet yellen, everybody. we'll be right back.

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♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ kia. movement that inspires. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be kate winslet and jharrel jerome. now stick around for "after midnight" with taylor tomlinson! good night! ♪ ♪