whe a judge said punishable by death, i lost it. >> theymoving, funny, and surprising. inmates perform their own stories. >> when you're in prison for so long, you're used to one costume. and it's blue. we all look like smurfs in here. >> hello and welcome. i'm uy vu. tonight we bring you a kqed newsroom special. "stand up san quentin." inmates heree doing time for crimes like murder and assault. once known for violence, today san quentin has one of the most rehabilitative programs in the prison system. later w'll talk to a victims rights advocate whose husband

was murdered. she'll tell us what she learned while volunteering in san quentin. first we'll look at inmates participating in a unique program. one that's helping them tell their words.in their own ♪ ♪ >> when a person decides to change, they want everyone to know that they've changed. so it's important to that out. television portrays prison as this negative place where people are just running around being violent. but san quentin is actually totally opposite from that. these guys are going to college everyay. they're going to self-help groups. they're going to religious services. everyone here is trying to get out of prison, not stay in

prison. >> i got to san quentin in 1984 via l.a. county jail. i was told -- >> since 2012 we've been working on a storytelling project anda y the overarching idea is to tell the hidden stories of life inside told from the perspective of those who live it. as soon as i got off the bus, i got extra cold because i wasn't wearing underwear. that's how they transported us back in the day, buck naked with a red jumpsuit. if the bus crashed and you escaped, you would be running around naked. >> this project was put together by the san quentin media prodtion team. >> i'm nervous, that's what this is. >> we helped the men edit their stories and present them. >> so i covered myself in in tattooste of h and violence. >> it gives guys a little more courage to say, okay, i might be able to do that one y.

>> more than anything, that really scared me. >> i think it also makes vulnerability lok okay. because if you can be vulnerable in front of this group and tell your story, it's another way of breaking down the barrier. >> i didn't wanto disappoint pops and get kicked out. i took it. ne that moment i t around and walked away and a tear came t of my eye because i felt like what have i gotten into.lf >> i hate mornings. there's nothing worse than waking upur from y dreams to a cell whose 6x9 confines stretches to the horizon of your future. 's like waking up in a tomb. it's a reminder that toty soc your friends, to your high school sweetheart, you're dead. >> peopleave their own preconceptions about what people in prison are about.th i thinkse pieces break down

the walls. it's more complex than what yo prejudices are. >> we did a skit where i portrayed someone living an alternative lifestyle. surprisingly enough, i really had the time of my life. i was onstage talking about, uh-uh, no you didn't, hold up, hold up, hold up. mow, i am all woman, honey. and still than a man that you will ever be. okay? [ lauter ] people.le in prison are there are some very bad people. and there are some people who made some mistakes. but ultimately they're people. and they're as complex as yu and i and the rest of society is. >> one thing i amom not is goodie goodie who thinks he's these uy for taking all groups at san quentin. because when i look ati' what

done, which is commit two murders, i know i could never call myself a great guy. i've taken lives. i've hurt two families in ways that i can never fix.'v hurt my family. my community. m so callingself a great guy just isn't possible. >> people, we work hard change our lives. we want to be different. wdon't want to be tha same person that we used to be. >> they taut me to connect my mom's cries to the cries of the victims of my families. >> i'm here to help everybody tell their story. >> it p me on a path to see these painful truths about lyself. but it showed me that being able to change my life isn't just a mandatory pt of my sentence. it's a blessing, which does not make me a great guy. just the best that i can be. thank you. [ applause ]

♪ >> and joining me now is someone whose family was shattered by violent crime yet has become a vocal supporter of evalue of rehabilitation. dionne wilson is from californians for safety and jusce, welcome. thank you. >> i was watching you while watching that piece, you were visibly deeply moved. you yourself are a passionate advocate for rehabilitation. how you got there, though, has be u anexpected journey. your husband was a leandro. ten one night you got a knock on the door. >> yeah, dan was answering routine calls, guys were out in

front of an apartment complex. one of the irving ramirez, had a searchable probation because he had been cycling in and out of the system for some time. had two guns andrugs on him. so instead of running or going back to jail, he decided to shoot my husband. >> and he shot him seven times. you made a powerful statement to the jury. what did youay about irving ramirez? >> i said he was a monster and thathe deserved to die. i wanted him to burn in hell. i wa so angry. i was full of rage and vengeance. and i just -- i didn't know want to -- i didn't know what to do other than just -- i just wantef him to s as much as i was suffering. >> and yet you became involved in working with prisoners. why? >> after about 4 1/2 years of feeling that way, i became so

exhausted, itouldn't do anymore. it takes a lot of energy to hate like that. and i wore myself out. i couldn't do it ymore. and i needed a different path.an i was -- a lot of things happened in between, but i was introduced to insight prison project. they invited me to go insidea o rison and share my story with people who had committed murder. and i thought, ooh, this is my chance, i'm going to tell them, you know, that all of the consequences of their actions. and when i sat there with people who had caused this level of harm, and then told them my story, and they -- they cried with me, they were -- you could tell that there was something going on there that was so far beyond what i thought was

possible. and i wasm looking at transf people and their stories helped heal me. >> what is the single biggest life lesson which you've learnek through your ith inmates? >> i think the biggest lesn is that people are redeemable, that we're not the worst thing'v w ever done, that unresolved trauma, trauma that isn't acknowledged in people's lives from when they were very young has a profound effect on people and causes them to do things they wouldn't othersedo. and i just believed that barring extreme mental illness, that we're all, we're allredeemable. and we all deserve that chance to transform our lives and do something better.

there is definitely positive value in hearing their stories. what would you say to those who are reluctant tor hear th stories, saying these are men who did terrible feelings? >> i know how you feel, is one of the things i would say. i was there. i didn't wantto hear it. i didn't want to hear all the things irving had gone through in s childhood, how that had affected his life, how his mother struggled to dot be ule she for him. i didn't care. i didn't want to hear it. at some point it broke through. and i would just say, think back on your own lifendhow negative experiences have impacted you, and maybe made you do something that you weren't -- that you didn't really think you were capable of doing. and how that impacts others. and just open up a little bit. >> dionne wilson, wein cer are thankful you took the time to be with us today and share

with us yourstory. >> i really appreciate it, thank you. >> let's go foyou to a few of the stories these inmates have written and performed from inside san quentin. ♪ >> hello, la my name is azraal "big ass"fo . i grew up in southern california where drugsnd crime ruled the day. by the time i was 21, every one of my friends had been to prison already. t wasn't a placehere a kid could grow into a good man. i covered melf with thattoos of hate and violence. in the state prison system, my world was validated. i was embraced for hating. i was embraced for being

violent. i worked through the world liar a knight, i let people know, if you mess with me, i'll mess you up, because that's how life is in here. or that's what we tell ourselves. but then i hear about the shakespeare group. san quentin shakespeare, you have to be kidding me.r alht, i'll check it out. they're like, okay, we're going to pretend to be nature. bee.end to be a i'm 280 pounds, how am i going to be a bee, rit? just pretend. i'm like, all right, i'll pretend. now i'll be a butterfly. who, me? i'm not a butterfly. but i tried it. i flapped my wings. people aredeing rabbits people are being rocks. here i'm this butterfly flying around. itart to laugh,t's like, okay, this is pretty cool, because when you laugh, you experience something that takes you beyond the negativity. i start to go, and then they give us the play they want to do, and it's "julius caesar,"

everybody is like, you'll make a great julius caesar. i guess, but i don't think so, because i've never acted before. here's my resume, i've been a bee and a butterfly, now you but okay.o be juliuscaesar. so i get cast at julius caesar. >> mark antony. >> caesar,my lord. >> and there was a guy, his name is lee, they call him maverick. he was playing mark antony, caesar's best stfriend, alm like his brother. lee maverick is black. i'm white. right? that usually doesn't happen in prison. so now we're acting, we have to be best friends, we're comrades, webre you know, like hers. so they bring in the cotumes. y i put it on. the tunics really tight. everything was for small people. it's riding up. all right, cool. we do theplay.

the senate kills caesar. i'm laying there on the stage dead. maverick comes up and heaves me on his shoulder, he gets me up there, i'm playing dead. when he slid me across the stage, that tight tunic pulled up. now my butt is hanging out. i can't doything because i'm supposed to be dead. acting is an ouart. ave to be dead when you're do dead. i'm over maverick's shoulder. i hear this laughter. they're not laughing at me. they're laughing at what we're sharing with them. it's something people don't expect prisoners to do. it was at that moment that i realized, you know what, the goodness is back, i found it. f ind it in myself but also found it in the community at san quentin,me with the n who -- you know, they inspire that in each other. ehey're bent on reaching that goal. want to be good people

again, they want to give back. it was just like, i looked at the people that had acted in the shakespeare with me, i saw their beauty. i saw those roses. so if we would all just take time to nurture t wt rosethin us, we could all be beautiful flowers. thank you. [ applause ] ♪ >> my name is eric. i got to san quentin in 1984. it was told to me san que was one of the most violent prisons in california. all i need to know is safety first, keep me head a civil, and as soon as i get situated, get a knife. a lot of guys tougher than me didn't make it. a lot of guys weaker than didn't make it. a lot of guards didn't make it. after running with the for so long, my bad behavior and actions, my nonhumanitarian thought i got lucky. i got transferred.

i made my way through the different prisons. now i'm back to the 16, the more rehabilitative san quentin. they have volunteers coming in, teaching nonviolent conflict resolutions. they taught me the word,stop, think, observe, process situations, situations that are alreadviolent, how not to overreact. i love you wte people coming in here teaching me this stuff, i love it. now, in here, we live in a closet. a one-man closet with two men in it. sink, a toilet. no window. all get the guys sometimes that don't want to go nowhere, they just want tohe stay in cell 24 hours a day. they moved me with this cat, he tell me, let me tell you something about myself. i said go ahead. he said, i don't do self-help. i don't go to the yard. i don't work. when i go eat, i come back. when i go tctthe r, i come

back. when i go shower, i come c i said, what about me? don't i get some time or something? he said, get it any way you can. now, the old m at that precise moment, i would have slapped him, i would have initiated cont wted. no matt he was, who he knew, i would have initiated the get-down. but the new me, the soft eric, i said, do you like football? he said, yeah, i like football too on sundays. but when i watch foball, i watch football naked. and when i'mahing football, i eat nachos, naked. i call ited na nacho sunday. you should have seen his face. he looked at me like, uh-oh. at that precise moment, chow time, time to eat.

one of my boys was coming do, he said, eric, you moved in witc th that don't go nowhere. i just look t inre and there's nothing in there but your stuff. i said, i guess he went somewhere. nonviolent communication. i'm so dedicated to nonviolence, the new eric, you got all those websites out there, i'm going to get me one.ws www.whoknoimebetter. ask the convict eric. thank you. [ applause ] >> i'll never forget my first morning at san quentin. it was breakfast time, i step into this noisy chow hall. i'm wondering, wh do all these ?eople have to talk about at 5:00 in the morni the correctional officers says to me, how are you doing this

orning? at first i gave him a double take, i think he's messing with me. i justt have the precedent to process this kind act. in high desert, a maximum security prison where i did most of my time, an officer wouldn't ask me how i was doing. it didn't happen in that environment. i'm looking at this guy as i've moving through the chow line. he'snodding, he's encouraging. i realize, this guy is heseriou eally wants to know how i'm doing. i tell him, i'mlike, i'm good. you good? he's nodding his head, thumbs up. he's smiling. i'm smiling. i move ahead in the line, move to the next section of the chow hall. the enc ends. but the smile continues. this officer probably didn't tow it. because he took te to connect with my humanity when he

didn't have to, i suddenly felt inspired to connect with everyone around me. i asked more people that day how askedere doing than i had since i had been incarcerated. and i learned something. the power that an individual has to change the world with something as small as how are you doing this morning. see, because hisft words my mood, and because i was happier throughout the day, i was so i envisioned this cycle where myindness makes someone else kinder, which lifts someone else up, until we're all smiling on top of the world. now, i don't want to repatsent all correctional officers are humanitarians. because they're ghst not. [ lr ] but i also think it's important to note that this wasn't just like a fluke. see, i live in west block on the fourth tier. every night i hear this officer as he's walking down the tier at last count time.

the reason why i hear h is because he's stopping at guys' cells, asking them about their day. he's just doing the things that human beings do when they wante each otto know that you matter. and so every night when he comes by my cell, i stop whatever i'm doing, watchiad tv, g a book, i'm like, good night, brother. he continues with the count, getting ready to go home to his family. before he leaves he says, good night, brothers, gentlemen, lady, good night. [ applause ] ♪ >> endo yoin ddubitably, man. >> i'm joined now by troy williams who was an inmate a

san quentin and was paroled in 2014, nice to have you here. >> nice to be here. >> you know every one those men we just saw. you were there yourself at san quentin. what is it like to watch them tell their stories? >> myeart goesout. i see a bunch of men who deserve a second chance, who need another second ance. and seeing so much that they can contribute out herend >> you spent nearly 20 years of your life in prison. >> yes. >> and you're getting a second chance. you participated in many rehabilitation pyograms while were there. was there a single turning point while you were on the inside? >> i wouldn't se a sin point. i think it was a slow turning for me, being able to watch other men be examples, to see people come in and offer me a new set of tools, and watching certain people in the administrationwho walk with integrity, i think they were aln m that allowed me to really reflect on my life a lot deeper. >> what were some of the tools that the p rehabograms gave

you? >> one is really just the ability to look back, the ability to reflect on moments of my life,dihen 't make the right decision, having the courage to sit in that moment and look at it, we call it sitting in the fire, sitting in the moment and look at how i behaved and what i wanted to do different, and knowing that i could rewrite that. >> you werearoled about two years ago. what has the transition been like for you to life outside prison? >> it's beautiful to be home. i'm so happy to be here. it's been a roller coaster ride, right? not every day is, you know, a great day. but my wors day out here beats my best day ever inside. so i have the ability to change, tonfluence change. that's what drives me, that's aat pulls me every day. >> what some of the challenges you face every day?

>> i think just dealing with my own mindset, right?mi over the triggers, overcoming things that used to getin the way in t past, right? >> what would some of those things be? >> i'm the kind of gu who it was very difficult to ask for help, to ask for support. just havinge strength to know that when something is going on with me, not to be the guy who sits up a says, oh, i'm good, it's all good, but i can actually ask for k help andow that i have a very strong support system out here. >> what motivates you to do this work, to tell these stories and to do outreach and to really be in a situationhere there is some reconciliation and redemption. >> i look at all i hurt.ople that not only just the victims of my crime or the wrongs that i've done, but i look at how i even hurt my own children, how i hurt my own mother, the things that i put them through. and how i m wasted own life.

and never wanting to see another kid who at the age of 13, just because hefo looking somebody to love him, he decides to join a gg, right? that motivation, that pulls me every day. i know i can't go back and rewind the clock for me. inly try toer influence want clock for somebody else. >> what are you up to these days? what are you doing now? >> i am in juvenile facilities, working with young people. i developed a programilhey're ing there. i do media work, i continue tom produce fnd radio. the hope is to stay connected to san que in and the menside who want to tell their stories and help the formerlyin rcerated to continue to tell theirs. >> what's the ggest value for you in making sure their stories are made public? >> the public gets to see a side of life thathey don't get to see. certain media suggests fear.

and that's not who we are. we're people, we're human. we go through things for >> troy williams, thank you for your insights, thank you for being here today. >> thank you. for all of kqed's news coverage, go to kqed.org. we're going to hear "dream of freedom" from an iate who is currently serving 15 years to life. m thuy vu. thanks for watchin ♪ this song is dedicated to everybody incarcerated now ♪ ♪ everybody worldwide, they got me dressed in a papersuit, shackled on a gray goose, looking out the window, wishing i could cuthese chains ♪ ♪ california state tampers with

the evidence to hang you ♪ ♪ d.a.'s coaching the witnesses, no jhnny cochran or dream team to save me ♪ ♪ praying for the man th lost his life in this tragedy ♪ ♪ praying for my son growing up without his daddy ♪ ♪hey say god talks in my dreams, i'm king up trying to remember what iteans ♪ ♪ i had a dream i could buy my way to freedom ♪ ♪ i had a dream i could buy my way to freedom ♪ ♪ i had a dream

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