keys, keys, keys, key-- ohh. for god's sake! ben and karen! no bin bag. brilliant. ( kids shouting ) ben and karen, are you getting ready? we've missed the walking bus! again. gonna have to take the car! shoes, teeth and hair! why can't people just leave-- what are you doing with daddy's computer? i'm taking it to show-and-tell. no, you're not. show-and-tell's on friday, and today's tuesday, so... but they changed it. no, they haven't-- have they? yeah. when did they change it? last wednesday. who changed it? man: problems on the district line! let go. we're gonna put it back. but i really want to take it. no, you can't take it. people take pets!

come outside and put-- ben, come on, look-- can i take this for history week? no, you can't take it. ( static ) turn it off. turn it off. ben, you're just doing my head in now. go and get your shoes. nothing between here and tower hill! what is it this time? the wrong sort of trains? "staff shortages." how can that be? every kid wants to be a train driver. oh, hi, viv, it's sue. yeah, i was just wondering whether you knew if they've changed show-and-tell to tuesday. ( panicky chatter ) n-n-no, it's okay. no need to panic. it's probably just ben making things up again. could you check with josh? great. thank you. boy: mum, it's ten past eight, and i don't want to be late for my first day of big school. don't worry. you'll be fine. ben and karen, are you getting ready? girl: yeah. they haven't changed show-and-tell. thanks. okay, i'll see you later. bye.

why does he lie like that? i don't know. some kids fib as an attention-seeking strategy. he told his teacher i'd died in iraq. yeah, but in a volcano. she was never gonna believe it. but that is hardly the point, is it? what are you doing? no, please don't do that. don't check your emails. but this one's from veronica. especially not one from veronica. if you hadn't checked, you wouldn't know it was there. i just need to read this. there's no time to read it. three days a week you're meant to be working for that woman. oh, no. no. no, veronica, no. i am not having that. no. oh, no, don't reply, because that is fatal. if you reply, she'll reply to your reply and you'll be tempted to reply to her reply and you'll find yourself trapped in that... pandora's circle. girl: daddy. oh, hello. where's my other shoe? i don't know. where did you put it? can you remember? no. what's a hypocrite? well, uh, a hypocr-- if, for example,

i had said, "you mustn't eat all the cake," and then i ate all the cake myself, then i'd be a hypocrite. what's a twat? "twat." it's not a very nice word for children to use, really. where did you hear that? you been watching tricia or something? no, last night when you were arguing with mum. yeah, well, mummies and daddies do argue sometimes. you shout sometimes, don't you? ( exhales ) did you, uh... did you hear any other words? there was some other words that i heard, but i just can't remember them. good. something about "midlife..." something about "pillock..." and... there's "pillock," and another word... i think it's "ponk." and there was one, and it was "tight bum." right, well, probably best not to use those too often.

why don't you, um, go off and find your shoe? what was all that about? look, i'm really-- i'm really sorry about last night. it's just... no, it was me. no--no-- it was me, because i hadn't really thought it through. well, that's true, but it was me. i hadn't. no, it was me. it was me. it's usually me. well... it was mostly me. well, yeah. it was me. tight bum. ponk. ( machine tool whirs ) ben! put that down! it's for show-and-tell. this is not for show-and-tell, because a) you could hurt someone with that, b) it's daddy's, and c) show-and-tell is still on fridays. ♪ a, b, c, d ♪ i, j, h dad: ...driving me nuts. dad: i've warned you about this lying, haven't i, ben? ignore. no one likes little boys who lie. ignore. you know what happened to pinocchio? no one liked-- but he's a cartoon. he's not real.

you've got to stop lying. ♪ q, r, t you have to stop lying, ben, because nobody likes little boys who lie, do they? some people do. russ likes me, nathan likes me, dion likes me. well, we all like you, ben, but the point of the story of pinocchio was that-- but the person who looks after me isn't called geppetto, and i don't live in a little hut in the forest. no, but-- you could if you carry on like-- look, we're going off on a tangent here. why don't you just go and get your schoolbook? go on. can i take your staple gun? you are to go nowhere near my staple gun! ( phone rings ) well, come on! mum: hello? oh, hi, dad. everything okay? no, you don't have to put the bins out today. bin day's friday. no, today's tuesday, dad. no, no--no, no, no, no, no. listen, don't worry, because i get the days of the weeks mixed up,

it's--look, don't get anxious. i-it's fine. dad, i found a letter for you. oh, thanks. right. aren't you gonna look at it? no. uh, it's boring stuff. i'll look at it later. a postcard from auntie angela. we're gonna be late, aren't we? no, we'll be fine. yeah, right. can i get a note saying "jake was late because his family is useless"? dad: ben! ( sobs ) come on, ben! what are you doing? we're gonna get going! karen: i made these pictures for you at school. oh, lovely. that's... a lovely picture of... what is it of? a cow. a cow. killing some people because it doesn't want to be made into food. he's ripping their heads off, and their arms, and shooting them, and...

that one is of... people getting hurt because-- and the cow's killing them because the cow doesn't want to be made into food. because i don't like burgers, so they're made out of cows and pigs and stuff like that. so that's why i draw a picture of a cow-- yes. that makes sense. i'm gonna keep hold of that one. special one. there's these. oh, are they lovely! do you know what i'm gonna do? dad: ben, i told you to stay away from my staple gun, didn't i? darling, go and get your shoe, 'cause i'm gonna look at them all, i'm gonna really look at them all and have a good think about them, especially this one, and you're gonna go and find your shoe. off you go. we need to get to school. it's lovely. it's weird. that kid is taking it right to the edge. try not to have a go at him, he'll have a screaming fit. and we don't have the time.

i wasn't planning on-- my ruler's not transparent, and i need a transparent ruler. ben! i can't hear any movement! this says i need to have a transparent ruler. don't you worry. i know exactly where to find one. for god's sakes! pete. pete. just...just easy. easy. easy what? it's his first day at secondary school, we don't want to make him any more nervous. so just easy does it. i'm not gonna make him nervous. don't do the over-cheerful thing or the bouncy walk or calling him "jakester" or "squire" or "mate-o-roony." just--just easy does it. just try and be a bit more natural but less self-conscious. have you seen my keys? no. i left them here this morning. sorry i can't help you. i'm concentrating on not being self-conscious. ben! have you been hiding my keys again? karen? seen my keys? no!!! dad: jake?

one transparent... ruler. there you go, squire. you got everything? yeah, i think so. mum, we need to get going. yeah, well, it would be a lot easier to get going if somebody hadn't moved the carkeys. but as somebody's very helpfully moved them-- ( keys jingle in pocket ) found 'em. let's go. where were they? doesn't matter. ben! sorry about all the chaos, jake. are you excited? excited? well, first day of big school, you're with the big boys now. they won't be bigger than me. of course they won't. well, there's not gonna be many smaller than me. well, tim green's starting. he's smaller than you. but he's got dwarfism. i know. he's still smaller than you. why doesn't jake go to the school that you teach? why doesn't jake go to the school that i teach in? it's so i don't get hurt. well, there is that, i suppose. some of the kids at daddy's school

tend to be a bit, um... silly. silly with weapons. especially if you're related to a teacher. but anyway, that is big school. no one's gonna be silly with weapons at your school. is a fork a weapon? a fork? how would you use a fork as a weapon? hmm. you could stab like that. come on. come on. get your wings off. time to get ready. oh, no. you're not doing it again. veronica's really pushing her luck this time, because she knows that martin deals with compliance, she knows that. it will take ten seconds. it will not take ten seconds. jake: i'm gonna run outside by the car now. ( humming ) aaah! aaah! that's just a piece of the vacuum cleaner. no, it isn't. it's my gun. my gun can kill anything, especially fairies. put it back! it can destroy a planet. but look. all it is is a tube.

just a tube going round and round and round and then coming out that end. that's where you put the bullets in. this gun is more powerful than anything. that could definitely kill a fairy. no, it can't, because fairies are magical, and they'll just kill you before you kill them. how? do they have a gun? do they have anything that can kill-- they fly down your throat and turn your heart into a pumpkin and then your blood stops running and then you die. that's not possible. yes, and also, they go inside and then with the mini big axes they chop your bones in half and so you can't move and just collapse. you're just being silly now. i'm not! we really don't have time for this. i'm sorry. come on, guys! jake: now we're definitely gonna be late! and you see, it isn't fair on your son. done. out-the-door-time, everybody. come on. wagons roll.

wrong shoes. wrong shoes on wrong feet. we'll sort it out in the car. jake: we're gonna be late! oh, no, you're not itching your head again. it's not nits again, is it? let's have a look. oh, god. no, you're fine. off you go. come on, guys! karen: are you sure i haven't got nits? rrarrrrr! give me the drill. no! give me-- give me the drill. give me the drill. give me my drill. drop it. give me the drill. ( inhales ) don't scream. don't scream. can you just sit down in your seat properly? put your bottom in the seat and sit down. jake: it's now eight-thirteen! all right, look, you can take the drill in the car as long as you promise to leave it there when we get to school, okay? um... no. give me the drill. no. come on, give me the-- i need the dri-- give the drill--right. drop it and come now or we'll just leave you here on your own.

right. you can stay here on your own... all day with nothing to do. let's see how you like that. i'll have lots to do. bye, ben. ben: bye! ( sighs ) well, where's-- oh, no. you haven't tried the "we're leaving you behind" ploy. we're on a deadline! don't worry. he will be here in a sec. trust me. okay.

( cell phone rings ) hello? oh, hi, lou. "bring your granny to school day"? no, i don't think so. oh, ben told brittany, did he? look, ben, this is jake's first day at big school, so it's a big day for him. so we don't want any shouting or screaming. so give me the drill. give me the drill. give me the drill. give me the drill. i'll give you a five if you give me the drill. jake: yes, yes, yes. mum: no, that's the school caretaker, sweetheart. george bush is the president of the united states. dad: in you go. how did you do that? you know. help him with the seatbelt, will you, jake? you're gonna like this school, jake.

you know, it is a really good school. for every seven kids that try to get in, only one is accepted. not that that means you're under any pressure. no, you've just got to relax and be yourself. absolutely. the most important thing is that you enjoy it. and if anybody asks you where you live, you give 'em granddad's address. ( starts car ) mum: i'm really sorry, veronica, it-it's my fault. i should never have shown ben how to reply to an email. he keeps, um... yeah. yeah, he does know words like that. and that. no, i don't think he has ever met you, so i don't know why he mentioned your--your-- yo, dude. don't do that. how was your first day at school? all right. how's your form teacher? all right.

good. glad we sorted all that out. hiya. everything okay? yep. jake has been talking my ears off about his first day at school-- yak yak yak yak yak. mum: right. i popped in on your dad on the way home. did you? thanks. had he remembered to eat? yeah. and i've put a big sign on his fridge saying, "don't forget to eat." that's a good idea. maybe i should have just stuck it on the tv because he only goes to the fridge when he's remembered to eat, anyway. or on the toilet, maybe. he has to go to the toilet. no, no, he's okay. he's doing fine. good. trousers on the right way around? trousers on the right way around. karen: mum! so, um... ben sent an email pretending to be you? well, he-- mum! she's got nits. i'm halfway through. oh, bloody hell. it's these parents, isn't it? they know their kids have got them, and then they just merrily pack them off to school. i know. i know.

dad: this the remains of the spag bol, jake? oh, never mind. ah, the old "what i did on the holidays" composition, eh? don't think our english department do that. don't think year seven can spell "carjacking." actually, do you think your teachers really want to know about our...wing mirror-- well, you know, eventual- lack-of-wing-mirror incident? why not? that's what we did on the holidays, wasn't it? yeah, but it's not exactly "road rage," is it? well, there was a road, and there was rage, wasn't there? yeah, but i don't think i really want people to know about that, jake. you wouldn't want me to put lots of stories about you up on youtube, would you? you wouldn't know how to do that. do you think i could keep a nit for a pet? because it's not very big. well, no, you can't have a nit for a pet. just one. but it wouldn't be much good for a pet, would it? you can't really play with a nit, can you?

you could play... like..."i spy." "i spy"? yeah. but they can't talk, can they? they can... in nit language. in nit language? and what do they say? they say small things. small things? oh, look at this. ooh. disgusting creatures. you can't have one as a pet. well, first off, "road rage" is two words, it's not one, you don't spell "psychopathic" like that, and i can't remember your mother saying that. that, yep... and that, but not... that. and actually, while we're about it, ( phone rings ) i-- ( ringing ) why isn't the phone in the cradle? why doesn't anybody put the phone in the cradle?

( ringing ) easy enough, isn't it? it's always loose. ( ringing ) ( ringing ) ahh. ( ringing ) ( ringing ) ( ringing ) hello? yep, that's me. uh, no, london electricity provide my gas. or is it london gas provide my electricity? d'you know, i'm sorry, i can't really remember. oh, and he's picked up the phone to a cold caller. classic schoolboy error. shhh. classic mistake, dad. i mean, obviously i would like to pay less for my energy. don't get involved, dad. this is stupid. shhh! they call up six o'clock at night every night and-- i know what i'm doing. no, you don't. get on with that. sorry, could you say that again? i missed the bit about units. karen: what can i get

as a pet, then? we really can't have pets at the moment, darling. why can't we get a giraffe? a giraffe? we could keep it outside. well, no, because giraffes are a bit big, aren't they, darling? what about, then, a...lion? a lion. yeah. well, that might be a little bit on the dangerous side, my lovely. what about a, um... puffin? a puffin?! you're well lucky, you don't have to wear a uniform. it's weird. psst. it's okay-- ( both mouthing words ) i'm sorry, i gotta go, mate. my dad's making a stupid face at me. get on with your homework. what? i am. no, you're not, you're listening to your ipod, you're msn'ing, and you're watching television.

so, i can do stuff. i'm a kid. i can multi-task. well, no, you can't, actually, because i read an article in the new scientist that said even though they do it all the time, teenagers' brains are not suited to multi-tasking. whereas men in their mid-forties, like me, actually are, surprisingly... surprisingly what? sorry, there was something on the tv. tell you what, you do your homework, i'll do mine. how's that? why can't i keep a nit in my little hair? because they'll all make babies and then it will be like a little town in my hair. you can't have a... town in my hair. no, you can't have a nit town in your hair. oh, that is unbelievable. unbelievable. melanie watts has confused queen elizabeth i and queen elizabeth ii.

she must have typed the wrong queen number into google. your first day at school okay, then? yeah. hmm. the virgin queen has got four children now. hmm. oh. one of them's a helicopter pilot. dad! dad! mm-hmm? would bullets kill a fairy? yep, you could kill a fairy with bullets. would a machine gun kill a fairy? yeah, you kill pretty well everything with a machine gun. would a bazooka kill a fairy? yeah, a big bazooka. that would get 'em. dad: wha--? sorry. ben! just pick it up and put it on the shelf. you're lucky your mum didn't see that. ben: what about an atom bomb? dad: atom bomb would kill everything, pretty well-- fairies, elves... ben: can i watch little britain? dad: no. prison break? the sopranos? no.

where is the dinosaur book? it's here, but you can't have it. why? because it's one of my days. i wrote it all down at the back. there are your days, and today's not any of your days. tv: the wildebeest seem little concerned... what's this? attenborough. that wildebeest is such an idiot. he's just seen his mate being torn to pieces by a crocodile, and then he's drinking from exactly the same place. it's amazing what some animals will do to get on the telly. so today went well, then? yeah, fine. how did tim green get on? anybody mention the dwarfism thing? not really, but some boy started singing "hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go." that's not very nice. i know, but it's a school, dad. that's what happens. what else is on? nothing. come on, we've got 47 channels.

there must be something half-decent. ( changing channels ) ( crowd cheering ) woman: now more celebrity gossip... this is one of my days, so you can't have it! i've got it. give it back! give it back! ( changing channels ) woman: ...the death of princess diana... no, you're right. we'll stick with attenborough. my money is on the cheetah. oh, no, dad. you know the impala's gonna escape. no, cheetah's the fastest land mammal. it's not gonna get away. but it's more agile, it can move quicker. the impala would have to be on a motor bike. come on. no, the impala's more agile, though-- ( phone rings ) come on, my spotty friend. come on, you impala! jake: all the way! all the way round the tree! hello? jake: dad, he escaped! y-y-yes, hello. yes, i did get it. yeah, i know it needs sorting out,

but i'm seeing you tomorrow, so-- no, it--look, this really isn't a very good time to call, so-- yes. yes, i will see you tomorrow. who was that? cold caller. there's an email from angela. impala won, dad. ( thud upstairs ) oh, bloody hell... ( ben and karen arguing) i told you the impala would win. you said the cheetah. no, i said the impala. ( kids shouting ) mum: what's going on here? karen, what's happening? he's got my dinosaur book! but that's just sharing. look, karen! upstairs. off you go. he's-- ignore him. he's just being silly. off you go. but it's my dino-- ignore him, karen. that's my-- let's go. okay, benny, don't get too comfortable. it's bedtime, yeah? how do you know we're not a character from somebody's dream

or from a storybook? how do we know we're not a character from somebody's dream? well, i can't imagine anyone having a dream this dull, can you? i remember the time when i had a dream that karen was walking to the kitchen and she drank some milk, and then i woke up. that's almost more dull than this, isn't it, in fact? yes. yeah. what was going on, anyway, with you and karen? she started it. she hit me with the baseball bat. ben, d'you know, we-- we have got to have a chat about you making things up. 'cause you're always making things up. like what? well, like you telling your friend sammy that i was a trained assassin. and now you've been sending emails pretending to be mummy. no, i haven't. you've been sending emails to mummy's friend veronica. i haven't! yes, you have. don't deny it. have not! listen, this is the last time i'm going to say this. you have got to stop making things up. pete. i have not! don't make me cross. i know you have.

you've been sending emails pete. to mummy's friend veronica. i haven't! yes, you have. have not! pete! and now mummy is cross and veronica is particularly cross because she didn't want to get that-- peter!!! ben, i just need to borrow daddy for a minute. it wasn't him. it was jake? no...it was me who sent the email. because veronica sent me an email that was full of the most unreasonable demands, so i fired something pretty explosive back, and then she rang me up in a total funk, and i was worried that she might sack me. how can we stop him behaving like some sort of, you know, junior jeffrey archer

if you cannot even set an example? well... he doesn't need to know. i'm sorry. i just lost it. like you did in the road rage. oh, here we go. you are so pompous! if you could just make a bit more of an effort, if you could exercise just a modicum of self-control, then you wouldn't end up having to lie your way out of trouble. when am i gonna have that five-pound note you promised me for getting out of the house this morning? now, what have i just told you about not lying? he's getting worse. i think we worry too much. there are children in africa who are starving. do you think we over-parent or do we under-parent? (deep voice): glory to sparta! i can't believe that you were trying to keep this quiet. aaah! aaah! stop going on about bloody angela! surprise!