that boy has stolen your mobile phone off you, hasn't he? don't do anything. i can handle it. please. and she said that wasn't her problem, and i said, "well, it is now," and then i resigned. she's serious, isn't she, about sticking around and looking after your dad. don't talk to any journalists, under any circumstances. "i don't know why i should apologize," says race row teacher. okay, are you ready, ben? mm-hmm. you hold the bat the way i told you. come on. okay, let's play table tennis. ( ball bounces ) right, i tell you what, i'll serve, shall i? okay, here we go. are you ready? mm-hmm. goal! one-nil to me. i told you to stop nagging me, and you wouldn't stop. you just ignored me and carried on nagging me, so you... i said this time and time again that i'm going to leave home, and now i really am.

excellent, where are you going? i'm going...to spain, in a beach, or maybe greenland... mm-hmm. or...or dorking. dorking? how will you be getting there? train. right. have you got enough money? hippo's got the money. hippo's got the money, and got your tickets all sorted? pusscat has. excellent! well, that seems to be all, uh, all in order, then. i hope you have a lovely time. come on, ben, you're not losing by many. let's play. no, i'm not playing. ben, it is very important in sport not just to walk off when you start losing. what does wayne rooney do when he's losing? he kicks people. not always. and he never just walks off... of his own volition. ( clatter ) ben!

look, i've packed you some food and your favorite jumper, so i hope you have a lovely time. i'm really, really, really not coming back, and i'm serious. i know. i'm definitely not coming back. i know. bye! mum, what's going on? don't worry. she's left home before. what she does is, she goes round the corner, she waits a bit, and then she comes back. right so, then... no, no, no, she'll only go 10 yards 'cause she's afraid of the main road. it's fine. she's emptied her money box. yeah, i know. that's all part of it, you see. she'll be just round this corner, look. come on. look. over here. come away from the road! hello. oh, veronica. hi. yep. mm-hmm. uh-huh.

yes, so what you're basically saying is that i can have my job back as long as i cringe and grovel. mm-hmm. well, yeah, i know i sometimes say things i don't mean, so let me make this clear... you can take your stupid job and place it up the aforementioned location with considerable vigor. so stick it up her arse? yes, thank you, jake. yeah. can i crack the eggs? please. i'm the best egg cracker in the world. well, it's, um... i can crack eggs like a robot that's created to crack eggs. yeah, all right, then. i'll go to bed extra early. that's a very good deal. you be careful. i will. mum's letting you cook? yeah. she's doing the main and the pudding. i'm doing the starter. i mean, we've got guests coming, and mum's letting you cook... oi! anyway, you seem more cheerful. yeah. school, okay? i got this back. oh, well done.

and that boy preston, he just gave it back to you, did he? it's cool, okay? i remember at school that the bullying stopped when i showed them that i just wasn't frightened of them. and when that new boy started, the boy with the stutter. "peter the repeater," they called him. well "paracetamol peter" after the suicide attempt. i mean, the main thing is, you know, you just want to show them that you're not scared. it is just this one boy, preston, is it? dad, just leave it, okay? ( siren in distance ) there you are. i told you i was good at cracking eggs. thank you. that's a... few little bits of shell in the bowl there. and you've used all the eggs. splendid. when we go to india, will there still be blu-tack? well, we haven't definitely decided-- how do you know about india? did you tell her? no. she just knows stuff. it's going to be great, though, isn't it, karen?

'cause we're going to take you out of school, and we're going to spend some time traveling around, aren't we? yeah, that's right. it's definitely on our "to do" list. if you're going to take me out of school, then who's going to teach me? well, i will. but i need a teacher. but i'm a teacher. that's what i do. a proper one. i am a proper teacher. that's what i do. i'm a real teacher. what do you think i do when i go to work? i teach at a big school for big children. very big children, enormous children. and i'm not that big, am i? and if you teach for big children, then you... then you... teach big things that i might not even know yet. i might not even know what they mean yet. ahem. yeah, but i know all the little things as well to teach you. when we go to india, can we go around shooting people? and whipping them with ropes?

oh, no, no, no. you're thinking-- "indians" is what you mean. you're thinking of the wrong kind of indians. there are indians, like ravi and kuj, who come from india, and then there are indians you're thinking of... wah wah wah wah! indians, who live in america. mum, what can i do? ben got to crack eggs. jesus. aah. ben and eggs...why? well... mum! you can count the plates in the dining room. angela only eats free-range organic chicken, doesn't she? ( inaudible response ) i'm glad you invited her, though. yeah, yeah, i know. i have been a bit hard on her. i mean, it's not an easy thing to come and look after dad. i spoke to him this morning-- daddy. hmm? you've put the forks the wrong way around.

have i? what on the table? you put them like that, and they're supposed to go like that. and what will happen if it do do it wrong? will the planet earth disappear into a black hole? actually some scientists think that might happen. if the particle accelerator in switzerland recreates the big bang, then it forms a huge black hole, and the whole solar system could be sucked into it. well, that'll play havoc with house prices. is absolutely everything made out of atoms? yep, everything. am i made out of atoms? yeah. everything is. are shadows? that's an interesting one. um, well, shadows are an absence of light, so i suppose... are dreams? well, dreams are an electrical impulse that passes through the brain, so i suppose they could be made of particles that can cluster to form-- are trinny and susannah? now, that one i can answer. they are made out of polyfilla.

and paraquat. exactly. now... come on. we've got to get you up to the bed. karen: are atoms made out of atoms? pete: i'm going to pass that one over to your mother. sue: oh, i wasn't the one saying everything was made out of atoms. but the schools are so good there. ooh. thank you, thank you so much. can i have some beer? uh, no. can i have some gin and tonic? no. ( doorbell rings ) karen, can you open the door for auntie angela, please? sorry. he gets a bit overexcited when we have guests. they all do, don't worry. you've got lovely kids, really. ( whispering ) our jay kept bothering us about trying alcohol, so we gave him some, and now he doesn't ask anymore. ben, come over here. you can have a little bit of gin, okay? okay, if you're sure you want to try it. you sure you want to, yeah?

( laughter ) can i have some more? ( laughter ) i think it's time for bed, don't you? why am i not allowed to stay up like you grownups? because you're little, and you have to get your sleep. ( doorbell ringing ) jake: i'll get it! hi, aunt angela. angela: hiya. well, thank you very much for inviting us. i'm so sorry. i thought karen was going to let you in. she wouldn't let me in until i guessed the password. what was it? i don't know. she wouldn't let me in. ( laughter ) karen! no, it's ok. i don't mind from my favorite niece in the whole wide world. how many nieces do you have? well, one, but even if i had a hundred, you'd still be my favorite. that's just silly because you wouldn't know what the other ones ( hiccup ) would be like. have you got hiccups? yes. so would you like me to read you a bedtime story or something? i don't want ( hiccup ) a story. let her read you a story. you'll enjoy it.

( hiccup ) but i don't want you to read a story to me. well, why don't we all move on through? ravi: well, thank you. kuj: thanks. up the stairs to bed. i'll come and check on you. that was hard work. and then the headmaster rang up dad again. oh, but the really stupid thing is that now dad has to read out his statement in front of the entire school, and then he has to go on a racial awareness course. oh, yes, we saw that article in the local paper. "we know him," we said. to be honest, most of what they wrote was just plain wrong. you know how journalists just twist everything you say. not if you don't speak to them, they don't. well, i know you're not allowed to say this, but the turkish people, they are super sensitive. remember that café in izmir. well, yes, but it might have been better not to have asked for greek coffee. but turkey's a magical place. i love it. in fact, you should go there when you take off with the kids. kuj: so let me get this right. you are giving up your jobs to travel the world with your family, yes? yeah, yeah, that's always been pete's plan, and now it's turned into reality.

yeah, that's right. it's certainly on the agenda... quite high. so, peter, do you still need to appease this fat boy and his father? well, it's really just a question of references... yeah, but we could manage without them if we had to... well, nobody would really take me very seriously if i didn't... it's like you say, angela. you've got to seize the day and not let the little things hold you back. in fact, it's purely down to angela that we're able to go on the trip because she's left her life in america behind to look after our dad. oh. yes, of course, 'cause he's got... he's got early dementia. the most difficult bit is that he gets obsessed with stupid things. mind you, i do that. oh, yeah, you shout at davina mccall. kuj: ravi does that. ( laughter ) sue: oh, hello. hiya. i'm scared. are you? what of? dinosaurs. they're extinct. vampires? mm, don't exist. um, burglars? and they definitely exist

'cause ross got burgled a few days ago. sorry, everyone. come on. can i have a taste of your wine? no. can i watch little britain? no, you can't. can i watch anything? this is fantastic food, by the way. delicious chicken. it's organic. you can taste the difference. kuj: mmm. ravi: ah. with factory farmed birds, they get so stressed, they actually release chemicals into the flesh. you can taste it. right. well, that's interesting. i never knew that. the doors are locked. the windows are locked. burglars can't get in, okay? what if they come down the chimney? nobody can come down the chimney. santa can. he's bigger than most burglars. yeah, but santa's not... around--round, is he, at this time of year. maybe demons can. but fairies do exist. yeah, fairies do, but fairies are very unlikely to tie us up and rob us in our beds, you know, so... but if a fairies can get in, definitely demons can get in. no. and little gremlins.

what about, um, goblins? goblins can't come down. don't exist. ...gremlin. they don't exist. yes, but then who makes little presents for santa to bring to all the little children? well, elves. elves. elves. will you please go back to bed? what about if a badger came down? badgers exist, but they're very unlikely to be burgling us. you should be in bed. no, because i'm scared just like ben. don't do the door. what about crazy bat thingy from doctor who? i've got to go. i've got to go downstairs. what about a big ginormous tarantula, creeping, and then it comes onto the bed and kills us with its ginormous... ( imitates claws crushing ) things. rajasthan is probably my, ooh, second favorite indian state after kerala, but ahead of tamil nadu and west bengal. so what part of india are you from?

pakistan. well, my family... way back. but ravi's family's indian. oh, so which parts of india do you recommend? i've never been to india. all the disease and crime. and i'm not very good with poverty. have you got many relatives still there? yes, there's that as well. ( laughter ) i've shut the bathroom window in case we're raided by gun-toting pixies. why shouldn't pixies have guns? everybody else does. i was thinking of getting an ak47 myself, just to win the respect of 5j. ( laughter ) ( sighs ) isn't this nice? adult conversation and wine and... my grownup son at the table and... and wine and... i'll get the pudding. i'll help. yeah. thank you. so how are you doing, jake? you tired?

no, no. i'm wide awake. i'll get the plates. dad's far worse than i thought. yeah, i know. i did say... i woke up at 3:00 this morning, and he was in the garden putting bottles into boxes, and i couldn't get him back in, and... and then he got all upset, and... i just can't handle this the way you do. anyway, so... i'm heading off back to america. ravi: ...this friend of mine who's actually related to-- oh, that looks spectacular. doesn't it just? fingermarks. ben's been at it. well, you can have that bit. oh, no, i've seen where he's put his fingers. angela, could i have a word with you in the kitchen, please? oh, i'm just freshening up everyone's drinks. why don't i come and help? i'm just been sitting here like lord... i'd prefer angela. does it matter? yes, it matters. well, like i said, i'm kind of in the middle of something here. well, why don't i... no, no, no, sit down, because, look, angela's finished "refreshing" the drinks now,

and she's going to come into the kitchen and help me with... with the sauce. sauce? i'd rather just... angela, you have a choice. you can either come into the kitchen and "help me with the sauce," or you can "help me with the sauce" out here in front of everyone. ( clock ticking ) looks like you're the...sauce lady. sue? is-- everything is under control. ahem. sue: every bloody time you let everyone down! god knows why i believed you... angela: you are so judgmental! because you are crap! you've always been crap, crap, crap! listening to you, it makes me so glad i've got a life.

so, ravi, tell me about your job, it sounds fascinating. yes, the company... ( women arguing ) decided they needed one full-time accountant in house. ( arguing continues ) ahem... and what's your office like? ( arguing continues ) is it nice? ( stammers ) it's open plan, isn't it? open plan? ravi: yes. ( arguing continues ) actually, dad, i am a bit tired. i'll go to bed. good idea. night, night good night. night. ( arguing continues ) fully open plan or... partitions? partitions, yeah. ...selfish bitch who uses her neuroticism as an excuse! listen to yourself! god! look at you, a 44-year-old free spirit

with a rucksack full of self-help books and an addiction to tofu. and a moustache. who's a bitch now? you are a mean, small-minded suburban bitch! well, it's better than a menopausal hippy chick bitch! ( dog barking in background ) hi, sweetheart. um... auntie angela and i, we were just playing a game, and the game is who can shout the silliest and rudest thing. bucket head! dog pants! would you like to have a go? well, i think i've had enough of that "game" now. i haven't. big potto needs a biscuit. you can't just do things like this and think you're going to get away with it.

big potto and mini potto need a biscuit. no, they don't. they're bloody toy hippopotami...sis. just... unless you want to continue this in there. ( jar bleating ) here you go, darling. off you go. i'll be up shortly. you shouldn't take it out on her. don't cozy up to her, because despite all your presents, she still doesn't like you. angela: you have poisoned her against me. sue: oh, no, no, no, she's worked that out herself because she's very clever. oh, she obviously takes after me. oh, you shut your face! no, you shut your face! so you can see over the top of the... yes, i mean, if you're standing, not if you're... not if you're sitting. sitting at your desk. ahem. sort of, um... part partitions. ( laughter )

yeah. ( women not arguing ) that's a bit calmer. ahem. sue: queen smug is calling me smug, you... it's amazing the strong opinions that sauce can provoke. ( laughter ) ...playing the victim again. do you want a smack in the mouth? oh, yeah, here we go. bring on the threats. i mean it, do you want a smacking?! bring it on! bring it on! sue! what?! maybe you... two of you... she is buggering off back to america. now, we've gathered that. we gathered quite a lot of things. why are you all shouting? you woke me up. well, that's a good question ben. why are we all shouting? you say i'm not allowed to shout. you're absolutely right. it is not fair. it's not fair people shouting the whole way through dinner when we've got guests. ben: it's unfair. shh, now... mummy is going to put you back to bed. you're going to put him back to bed, aren't you, mummy?

yes. this way. why am i not allowed to shout? well, because... you're just not. can i shout like this?! no, you can't shout like that... can i shout like this?! no! you're on your way to bed. can i watch little britain? no! so the light came on, and, uh, i didn't know what it was, i just thought that's probably very expensive, and... so there we were stuck on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, but when the breakdown truck arrived, as luck would have it, it turned out to be the alternator, so... gosh, we'd better get back. better go, yeah. we couldn't get a babysitter, so her sister had to come from ewell. from ewell. oh, that's so nice... a sister who helps with the family. will she still be there when you get back, or will she have gone off somewhere to find herself or something? well, that was lovely. thank you. we must have you over again soon.

oh, another dinner party. how will you cope with all the excitement? oh, are you going, too, angela? will we be see you before you leave the country? my plane leaves tomorrow morning. tomorrow? what, just like that? and what about your dad? do you know, even by your cowardly standards, that really takes the biscuit. pete... she comes here every couple of years, and she... just see ravi and kuj out. i'm sorry. no. no. so will you tell dad about your decision? yes, of course i will. right. so i'll be around there tomorrow night to tell him that you're not coming back. sue, you've got to learn to trust people. ( door closes ) excuse me. come on, let's not part enemies.

angela... it wasn't organic chicken. ( door opens and slams shut ) ( phone ringing ) hello? oh, dad. yeah. no, no, don't worry. she's just left. she'll be with you in about 20 minutes. it went really well. yeah. pudding didn't turn out quite as i expected, but--but, no, angela was on her usual terrific form. no, no, no. no, everything's fine. everything's fine, yes. yeah, yeah, no, it is great having her around, isn't it? no, she'll be with you in 20 minutes, dad. and when she gets there, could you give her a message from me?

could you tell her that she ... no. no, it's not important. yeah. no, you just, um... you just sit down and have a cup of tea and make the most of her. yeah, yeah. and you, dad. yeah. night-night. ( footsteps ) hi, sweetie. have you been crying? oh, just a little bit. did you have a fight with auntie angela? yeah. did you punch her? yeah. really?!

yeah. where did you punch her? on the nose. did she have a nose bleed? no. did you kick her? no, no, no. we just had... we just had a little argument, that's all. did you hurt her at all? no. here you go, made you a cup of tea. oh, thanks. come on, shove up. you can say, "i told you so," if you like. well, i knew she'd go back to being angela. you said she was on prozac. can you shout that loud on prozac? when are we going to india? yeah, well, we won't be able to do that now. well, that was never really going to happen, was it? apart from inside daddy's head. what, inside my head-- we will go. we'll go when the time's right. i want to be chased by a tiger and make one of those flat-headed snakes come out of the bowl. well, we could probably arrange that. we could do that anywhere. we don't have to go to india for that. we could do that here. we could certainly arrange for you

to be chased by a tiger. hi, guys. hiya. are dinner parties always like that? well, they tend to be when your auntie angela comes round, yeah. i'm gonna go get some milk 'cause i can't sleep properly. are you worried about something? school or...? hey, dad, i told you that's all sorted. well, it has been since i've made friends with connor. connor? well, yeah, he's huge. almost as big as you dad. making friends with the big kid, eh? that's smart. so preston's not bothering you anymore? no, no. not since connor beat him up in the changing rooms. no. really. that's so cool, jake. he got the big kid to beat him up. yeah. we can't condone that. no, we can't condone that, no. it's resourceful, though, isn't it? but wrong. well, it's wrong, yeah. it's very wrong. mind you, that kid preston, he had it coming, didn't he? pete! it's wrong. you can't meet violence with violence.

not often, no... okay, never... rarely. ( sighs ) we're going to have to speak to him. yeah, but not now, eh? has all the shouting stopped? i'm sorry i shouted at you. that was very wrong of me, wasn't it? yes, that was very wrong of you. you won't leave home again, will you? not till morning. ( feet stomping ) oh, look out, here come the other two. can we watch little britain? have a guess. yes. have another guess. i think we should all go up to bed together because it is school tomorrow. no. not until dad does his thing. what thing? your thing! oh, yeah. do it, dad! no. you must be... come on, do it, please. pretty please! please with a cherry on top? all right, i'll do my thing, but on one condition... and that is, as soon as i've done it, we all go straight up to bed, okay? okay. no argument. go on, dad. here we go.

let's all cozy up. go get 'em. come on, dad. are you ready? ( imitates a dinosaur ) ( chuckling ) dad! ( shrieking ) you got the... ( indistinct )

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