( horns honking ) i really need a wee! i'm bursting for the toilet! well, i'm sorry. you're gonna have to hold on. ( truck engine rumbles ) radio announcer: there's a 7-mile tail-back on the southbound a3 near new malden. well, get away! why does he sound so happy? he sounds like he's gloating. sue, chill. this is karen's treat. treat? after school? an urban farm down the a3? have i learned nothing after all these years? ben, are you making rude hand signals at the driver behind? no, he's making them at me. he's not doing anything! i'll tell you what-- let's all see... who can tell the biggest lie. what?

it's a strategy. i got it off mum-net. it sort of downgrades the lying and makes it less attractive. it's a game, dad. i'm a toilet! right. i'm a magical witch, and i'm 100,000 years old, and at night, i sprout wings and i fly above the owls and the bats... and i leap over the moon-- jake, your go. i have the deadly ebola virus, and we're all gonna die in the next 24 to 48 hours. nice. karen. your go. i like auntie angela. well, that's-- that's lovely, sweetheart. um, anyway, let's get on with the game. that was part of the game. i'm a toilet too. no, you're not. it was part of the game. jake, have another go. my middle name is elizabeth. i'm 36 years old. i drive a peugeot.

( cell phone beeping ) hiya. yeah, look, i'm running behind. the headmaster's meant to be here about 15 minutes ago, but apparently a fight's broken out in one of the citizenship classes, so i've no idea when i'm gonna be there. well, you'll probably get there before us. no, we'd have been fine. it's just angela was late, and now we've caught the start of the rush hour. you're not allowed to talk on the phone. what? in case i swerve off the road at incredible speed? you might do, you never know! i'm just on the phone to daddy-- you've already been stopped once by the police. this time, you might even go to jail, i read in a book, if you do it too many times. look, i'm gonna have to go before karen shops me. okay, good luck. thank you. bye. that's better. i'm sorry i was late, but it was very hard for both of us to get out of the door. many things had to be locked up, many times. you need to leave more time, because dad likes his routines.

maybe he's got too used to them. people need to lighten up... and break the rules sometimes. karen: i need to wee! no, you don't! you're just copying me! no, i need it more than you! you both have to hold on! i smell burning! ben: i'm desperate! oh, god. 'cause this thing does overheat in traffic. there was once this type of car in america, and, um, it kept catching fire, and that stopped the electric door things working, and, um, these families were burnt alive inside. great. right. okay. well, i'm gonna turn off the child locks. i was playing the game. what? it was a lie. i was playing the game. oh, dad! you got us good and proper! hey! ( laughing ) dad won the game, everyone! i need to wee! don't panic. um... okay, okay. use that. but, look, these have got holes in it so you don't suffocate. he'll just go on the carpet. there's this! brilliant! can you give it to ben, please? no, i need it. can you just give it to ben, please, 'cause he needs it. but it's my birthday,

and i need it more than him, so i should get it! i need it more than you! ( horn honking ) what are you bloody hooting for? we haven't moved for half an hour! you aren't allowed to say that! i didn't say anything. yes, you did! you said the... something word. shh. shh. shush, now. shush. give me that bag, jake. you don't want to use that. it's got holes in it. i know, but i'm gonna put this-- hold on, because i've got a really very good idea. keep holding! pass that over, will you? can you climb over and help him? help him? how? well, hold it. hold what? the box! otherwise, it'll go everywhere! no, i... i'd have to take my seatbelt off. well, live a little! go on! we all know how much you like to break the rules! ( horn honks ) if you do that one more time, i'm gonna...! okay. now, you're gonna have to--

i'm not weeing in a box! ( horn honks ) that's really very helpful. thank you, you... hole! you said-- i did not say anything of the kind. sorry to, uh, to keep you, peter. no problem. okay, you can relax. i really don't think this is gonna be a problem. good. now, the first thing i'd like to get on record is that everything that happens inside this building is child-centered. it's a school. exactly. and so the welfare of the children is paramount, in accordance with best practice, obviously. now, then, this remark of yours that kemal found offensive. that was a joke. about his weight issues. well, it was about him constantly eating in class. there was a religious dimension. the joke involved ramadan. i honestly don't think that he found it offensive. i think he's just making trouble. i mean, we all have to put up with a bit of teasing in our lives, don't we?

my priority, obviously, is for all to move towards a managed outcome. i presume that's what you'd like, as well. yes. that's... that's what i'd like. a... managed outcome. these are $200 designer trousers, and he's peed on them. what are designer clothes? traffic's moving up ahead. i know, dad. they're clothes that cost more because they've got somebody else's name on them. surely clothes that aren't designer clothes, they're still designed, aren't they? traffic is moving. i'm just waiting for angela to get her belt on. i mean, they can't just appear, can they? ( cell phone rings ) jake, can you answer that, please? ( horn honks ) you do that again, and i'll...! angela: okay. seatbelt on. can you please take the box from him? because ben and a box full of urine is not a good combination. it's veronica. well, tell her i'll call her back. ( horn honks ) oh, you...! give it to me slowly. very, very slowly.

where's the lid? there is none. oh, god, there's no lid. okay. she-- she says it's urgent. i work three days a week, and thursday is not one of them. she says she works three days a week, and thursday's not one of them. ( horn honks ) right, chummy, right! go, mum! kill! punch him! punch him! oh, mum, please don't! sue, where are you going? nowhere, dad. no, no, veronica, no one's fighting. ben's just had to pee in a tupperware box, and we can't find the lid for the urine... jake! just tell her i'll ring her back! look, she'll ring you back, okay? i need a wee now! ohh. so do i. you want me to submit a written apology. no, no, no. no. not an apology. a statement of regret. a statement of regret. you don't say sorry for what you said, but you express regret for any hurt that may have been caused by... what you said.

i-it's standard. anyway, if you could just arrange to let me have it asap, that might be, uh, prudent, given that kemal's father is, uh, you know... a potential problem. why shall i back down? oh, i don't see it as backing down. it's... regretting. that seems extraordinarily one-sided. i mean, i've been getting anonymous texts on this, some of them obscene. one of them extraordinarily obscene. well... we all have to put up with a bit of teasing in life, don't we? anyway, look... thanks for being a team player on this one. oh, and, by the way, don't talk to any journalists, under any circumstances. okay, big fella? ( clicks tongue twice ) ( sheep baaing ) you just go right in. perfect. lovely. thank you. you all enjoy your day. thank you.

oh, well. nearly time to go home. well, he went back four times to check the oven wasn't still on. look, i've been dealing with this for a couple of years. ben, can you come out of there, please? yeah, well, i'm dealing with it now. i've got a game plan for when i've weaned him off all those drugs. which he needs. well, i can give him supplements, which i know all about. i can have a whole regime of, you know, mental gymnastics. with me staying there, i can help him beat this thing. ohh! ben: stranger! stranger! stranger! stranger! stranger! all i said was... ...don't rock the displays. i'm really sorry, it's just that they teach them this in school to stop them being abducted. it's okay. it's-- it's not the first time. ben, put that down and come with me. but you said we could have a toy. you can have a toy, on the way out, if you've been good, and for £3 or less. so many rules. do you understand? well, i'm not stupid. ben: can i have it? no!

there. do you like that one? yeah. karen, have you ever thought that if your nose runs and your feet smell, you could be upside-down? ( exasperated sigh ) you've told me that joke so many times before, granddad. what? why do you keep saying the same thing? um... it's because i'm old. well, mummy always says the same thing. is that because she's old? what does she say to you? she says, um, grow up. stop being silly. she said that to you? no. she says that to dad. oh, well. ( chuckles ) look. let's have a look at that one over there. ( children laughing ) so, how are you going to manage with you here and your boyfriend back in arizona? there are phones, there are planes,

there are vibrators. uh-oh. now i've shocked her. no, you haven't shocked me. i'm just not sure that you've thought it through properly. sue, let go. just-- just count to 10 and let go. i mean, you can't keep looking after dad. you've got enough on your plate with the kids. what does that mean? nothing. they're great kids. they've just got issues. what issues? ben: you're rubbish! have you ever wondered whether ben's got some kind of syndrome? think we've put that rabbit off his food. what does it feel like to be old? is it nice? beats being dead. well, what if you die and then you go to heaven, and then you're really happy because you've gone to heaven and you get everything that you want? yeah, well, i'll let you know. how?

well... i could phone you up. i doubt there'd be a phone in heaven. e-mail. when you die, do you think that you'll get dug up by foxes? that's what happened to my hamster. shall we go and look at the goats? the deer are better. oh, my goodness, yes. so, ben, these animals aren't toys. you've got to hold them really gently, and you've got to treat them with respect. who do you think would win if... a rabbit fought a sheep? well... rabbits and sheep aren't really known for fighting each other. but if. um, well, i suppose the sheep, 'cause it's bigger. if a hundred rabbits fought a sheep. they'd probably nibble it to death. who would win... if...

a thousand rabbits fought four giant anteaters and a brachiosaurus? the anteaters' team, because they've got a dinosaur. true. at last! what happened? i have to write to kemal's parents and express, um, regret. regret? "i regret that your son "is a thick, 15-stone eating machine "who farts his way through my letters. "i regret that your family seem to have had "their sense of humor surgically removed. "i regret that i ever thought that teenagers might prefer history to ringtones." i'm sorry. rant over. ready to enjoy karen's treats. ( laughter ) your dad and angela seem to be getting along. oh, yeah, no, angela's doing brilliantly. ben: mum. so far, she's only made us late. mum. lectured me about how to look after dad. mum. and now she's taking him for stupidly long walks... mum, you're hurting the rabbit.

you're squeezing it too hard. ohh. well. well, um, well done for noticing, ben. why don't you go and... check out the sheep-racing? okay. see? because of angela, this rabbit nearly got injured. it's hardly angela's-- what? nothing. there you go. be quick. she thinks ben has got a syndrome. well, a little git syndrome, maybe. but if she thinks that after one day, then... maybe she's right. people think all naughty children have a syndrome these days, don't they? it's just so the parents can pretend it's not their fault. so ben's our fault? i didn't mean that. anyway, he can't be our fault, 'cause the other two are fine. yeah. she said jake's a depressive. good god, she didn't, did she? oh, look, i shouldn't have said anything. no, but if she thinks that after just one day...!

i still think he's being... he's not being bullied. what a pair we are, listening to what angela thinks! blimey, we'll be feng shui-ing the compost heap soon. was the meeting really grim? go to school, take a beating. it's like being 11 again. ( indistinct announcer speaking over p.a. ) woman: come on! ( applause ) but when i tried to explain, giselle only told butch what i said because she knew that trent's relationship with amber threatened him and me, he just completely freaked. in the end, he was shouting so loud, the hotel had to call the police. anyway, he's flown back home. you won't tell anyone i've told you all of this, will you, dad? dad? god! look at the size of that pig!

it's a very big pig. we could catch bird flu from feeding these ducks. well, from--? no, no, you couldn't. you'd have to live in very close proximity to a duck to get bird flu from it. we could, if these ducks, you know, caught it off some wild geese from hungary who were infected with it, and then we inhaled some of their fece dust, or whatever. i personally am not planning on inhaling any geese feces dust, are you? not really part of the normal farm visit, is it? three p.m., feed the rabbits. four p.m., ride the tractors. five p.m., inhale some dried hungarian geese feces. it's not on offer. we could have a word with them, if you like. is that what's been worrying you, bird flu? worried? why are you so worried that i'm always worried about things? i'm not worried that you're worried about things.

it's part of being a parent. i'm just naturally worried. come on. is it bad to worry? sometimes. ben: you really, really...! ben! stop it! you okay, dad? you look exhausted. i haven't had a long walk like that in ages. ( chuckling happily ) those pigs, eh, angela? we're gonna get on like a house on fire, aren't we, dad? or a car on fire! i'm just gonna go to the loo. oh, it... "car on fire." you see, a little bit of exercise, and he really sharpens up mentally. he okay? yeah, he's fine. he's just worried about the extinction of humankind. bird flu. i just saw a robin sneeze. no, you didn't. and i also saw a blackbird with a temperature. how do you know it had a temperature? 'cause it was sweating. karen: but a bird can't sweat. that's ridiculous. ben: yes, it can. jake: all i was saying is that we could catch a lethal pathogen.

"lethal pathogen"? where do you get all this stuff? channel 4. 10 most deadliest diseases. when did you watch that? last night, with mum. bird flu came third behind ebola and drug-resistant bubonic plague. karen, it's your birthday, so you can go first. i'll give you your cookie now, shall i? in england, we call them biscuits. do we? right. okay. do you know, if angela's living with your dad, we could really think about the family going traveling. don't go too far! but we could, couldn't we? there was a program on tv about a chef who took his kids out of school for a year, and they all traveled round india and china, all on their own. on their own with a camera crew. it's a great idea. travel's the best thing for kids. and dysentery and intestinal parasites, they're the best things for kids as well, are they? bird flu's big in china. there wouldn't be any point in going and having to break off a week into the trip. why would we have to break off a week into...? when angela rings and says she's heading back to america. that's right, stereotype me. well, you didn't hang around when mum died.

i needed space to cry. i feel things. and i don't? funny thing, isn't it, how people grieve in different ways. god, we're lucky with this weather. ben: she is so fat! shush! but she is! but you can't say it, ben. she must know that she's fat, because she looks in the bathroom mirror and then she sees a fat lady... if she can get in the bathroom door. pete! but you-- you mustn't say it, because if she hears it, it might make her really sad. it's like if someone has funny hair, or... or one leg... you can't say, "here come paul and heather." although they're unlikely to be seen together. sorry. no. look, your mum's right. you always have to think of people's feelings. ( quietly ) can i say she's so fat very quietly? 'suppose so. ( loudly ) can i say she's very fat...? shh, shh, shh! no!

and what about...?! no! no! it's racism! no! racism is what dad does. ben, your dad is absolutely not racist. i've taught hundreds of muslim kids. i mean, suliman akbar was the first kid from our school to read history at oxford. racism is when you, um, when you don't like somebody because of the color of their skin or the country they come from, and it's really wrong. unless it's the japanese. actually, it's any race. dad, you're really rude about the americans. oh, well, yeah. americans. they're the other exception. oh, great. along with the swiss. and the japanese. so it's the americans, the swiss, and the japanese? and the germans. pete! i'm a big, fat japanese. okay, can we just drop this, all right? is auntie angela american? no! crisp, anyone? ( happy chatter ) jake, would you rather be a pig or a rabbit?

a pig. i wouldn't want all those kids picking me up. dad says that he's worried that you're a bully. he's not worried that i'm a bully, he's worried that i'm being bullied. to be honest, i'm getting rather fed up with your questions. i know how to stop it, though. ( cell phone beeps ) oh, bloody hell! what is it? it's another disgusting text. from kemal? probably. he's not using his own mobile. you can't trace the calls. it's like the website. you know, you can't trace it. well, he's not that stupid, then, is he? no, he's not stupid. it's... what website? oh. you know, the... it's probably best to-- what's on it? um... there's... sort of a cartoon of you, of you with animals. only it doesn't look like you. no one would know it was you if you didn't have your name on the axe.

what axe? the one in your head. god. i'll bet it's that bloody kemal again. you know, he thinks he's bloody invulnerable because his dad's on the council. his dad's on the council? it's not going to affect anything. think how it would look if the head of the education committee-- the head of the education committee! if anything, it makes it harder for him to discipline me. right. right. thanks for the help with the packing up, angela. dad and i are just off for a quick look at the sow with a litter. come on, dad. ( cell phone beeping ) jeez, look at that one. ben: she is so fat! mum: ben, stop it! fifteen. sixteen. ( low grumble ) you know, you may think that tiger woods is good, but he has never had to hit a ball through a cow's arse.

you've been worrying about that website, haven't you? i've been showing you up in front of your friends. no, they all think it's kind of cool. do they? nick thinks it's like having a dad on tv. nick? sprake. he's one of the gang in my class. there's a whole load of us. we love family guy... and hate chelsea. you're in a gang? yeah. that's nice. i was in a gang, once. well, it was cubs. seventeen. hi, karen. i found a necklace i bought in greece. would you like to have it? you don't have to say thank you. why do you smile so much? well, i smile because i'm a happy person. you don't want me to stop being a happy person, do you?

twenty. twenty-one. ( cash registers whirring ) ben! get down! can i have this? no, no, i said £3 or less. but this is cool. even if it is cool... it's-- it's £3 or less. i only came 'cause you said we could get a toy. can i have this? well, it's... ohh... you said that i could have something under £10. well, i know, but, look, it's got over a hundred parts, all of which i shall be picking up every evening. i don't think i'll play with them every evening, only some. that's unfair. she gets to spend under £10. i have to spend under stupid old £3.

that's because she's got her birthday money! come on, your mum's right. no more money, ben. you never give me any money on my birthday. ben! hey, guys! you can have £10 each from auntie angela! yay! jake, you want £10? yeah, thanks. um... where's granddad? oh, he's-- um... i thought he should have a moment's quiet before we all drove home. he's just having a little sit-down. i don't think he likes it when people crowd him. do you want me to help you look for him? can i have this? that's not suitable for children your age. in fact, it's not for sale. it belongs to the man fixing the fridge over there. you need to take it back. angela! angela, where are you? it's okay, dad, we're here. i thought you'd gone. no, no. i thought you were with angela. i-- you lost him. oh, sorry! was it a mental gymnastics exercise? first time you look after him, and you lose him!

you've lost him before. oh, yeah, go on. take her side. ben: i want this! maybe you should have married her, and then you could be wandering around india, catching intestinal parasites together. this is what i want! you can't have it. you really don't want me around, do you? you want to go on being saint sue, sacrificing yourself, caring for dad. well, someone has to. no, no, they don't. you're overprotective. i'm not an invalid. i'm fine with angela. dad: you can't have it. come on. okay. if that's what you want. give me the-- no arguing. why can't i have it? you're breaking the-- you can't have it. i want it. take your hands off it. right. stranger! stranger! stranger! i'm not a stranger. i'm his dad. come on. it's just a thing he does. come on, ben. come on, ben. he-- he really is his dad. there isn't much physical resemblance. stranger! stranger! come on! stranger, stranger! stranger!

ben, it's not funny. come on, ben. come on, ben. i'm not called ben! what's that? where did you get it? um... from playing. playing what? a big boys' game. but let's not tell anyone, so keep it as our little secret? ( groans softly ) do you know... that was possibly the worst family outing ever? well, apart from the bird sanctuary. ohh. that incredibly rare duck. ex-duck.

then of course there was st. paul's cathedral. projectile vomiting in the whispering gallery. i'm sorry i snapped earlier. it was angela, and i took it out on you. it's okay. they're lovely when they're asleep, aren't they? do you know jan says that now theirs are all teenagers, they look back on their being this age as the best bit, so i suppose we ought to enjoy it. make the most... he's got a rabbit. your ben's dad, aren't you? whatever story he has told you, it will be a lie. what's a nazi? the school said they would deal with it. i'm gonna go in there tomorrow-- no, please, dad, don't. please, dad, please. you're going to break his heart, because for some reason he loves you. do you believe in god? um...