karen: you're... ...slimy, disgusting cat sick! oh, you cheeky beasts. ben: you're a big, slimy, oven glove! you're germs from a fly! i've never been so insulted. your hair! you're all stinky brain juice from a diseased cave troll. you are a dead warthog's burp. you're elephant poo that's stinky and yucky-- all right, enough with the poo stuff. you are dead elephant's diarrhea. thank you. you're--you're-- all right, now. enough of that. ( all shouting ) enough with the poo jokes. --disgusting, horrible-- stop it. i know. let's play fortunately-unfortunately. i'll start. fortunately, the sun was shining.

unfortunately, i don't like burgers. you said you liked burgers! when did i say that? when you wouldn't eat your fish. i mean, what do you like? pudding. you can't just eat puddings. you can if you're a vegetarian. vegetarians eat up all their vegetables. the clue's in the word. this isn't my bowl! you have your bowl. special bowl, special spoon, special cup-- nice burgers! thank you, deion! now, why can't i have children like you? could i have some lager? red stripe if you have it. red stripe. my dad gives it to me. ben: can i have some, too? now, weren't we playing fortunately-unfortunately? hmm? yeah, i think we were. can i start? no, i'll start. fortunately, the dragon who came to stay was friendly. unfortunately, the dragon who came to stay had diarrhea. ohh. deion: fortunately,

( phone rings ) he rushed to the toilet before he pooped his pants. karen: unfortunately, ( ringing ) he-he left, and... ( ringing ) mum. ah. thank you. hello? hmm. just put it down. otto's dad had that. when he picked up the phone, they always hung up. turns out his wife was cheating on him. can you not do that at the table, please? i'm revising. you're msn'ing! about homework. what? "hello, barney, i'm not doing my homework"? "hi, jake, neither am i." sarcasm. no. not. ( phone rings ) it's your mobile. i know it's my mobile. kids: ring! ring! ring! ring! very funny. shush. uh... jake: stop it, you guys, that's really annoying and childish. kids: ring, ring, ring... ohh. jesus.

hi, veronica. ( other phone rings ) oh, hang on a minute. karen: you kicked me! ( ringing ) hello? oh, hi, dad. jake, can you talk to your granddad for a minute, please? sorry, veronica. hi, granddad. yep. no, you only have to say i live with you if anyone from my school comes round. yep. yeah. no. i'm at big school now. hmm. yeah. no, no, it's jake. you kicked me! mum: i'll email it later. yes, this evening. yes, i'm sure you will still be there. yeah. okay, bye. wouldn't need to stay in the office till ten o'clock if you had any friends or a life or a... chin. he wants to know when auntie angela's back. don't we all? hi, dad. no, i'm sorry, she hasn't seen fit to tell us when she'll be dropping by.

karen: you kicked me! ben: no, i didn't! no, i don't know when she's coming back. you started it! i'm sorry, dad, i'm gonna have to ring you back later. karen and ben! now just stop it! mum: ben, stop! ( cell phone rings ) ben, you see? you did like it! well done! and well done to you too, deion. you've done very well. karen, eat up. don't like it. deion: who's angela? angela's our auntie. mum's older sister. she lives in america. comes round every now and then. then mum turns all creepy and weird. i do not get creepy and weird. every time she comes round she has a different color hair and a different boyfriend. this one's called trent. i'm really looking forward to meeting him. sarcasm! what? sarcasm. saying the opposite of what you mean. sorry i'm late. what happened? oh, a meeting. what about?

boring curriculum stuff. oh, right. there you go. thanks. no. family dinner, remember? oh, yeah. of course. how was school? the girl in 5j has posted some bits of dead badgers to the prime minister. what, to protest against the badger cull? probably 'cause she was bored. still, i'm sure our new head will now introduce a not-posting- bits-of-dead-badgers- to-prime-ministers target. my dad put a dead rat in my bed and he said i've wet it, but i hadn't. this is deion. hi, deion. he didn't put a dead rat into your bed. he does things when he's drunk. he throws bricks at me and he fights policemen. nice tea, ben's mum. that's-- that's okay.

we've finished, mum. can we get down? all right. not till everyone's-- okay. not until-- well, go on, then. karen, i want you to finish that. i don't like it! and also, it's not in my special bowl. mum: ohh... i'm not eating anything that's not in my bowl. so, how was school? ( grunts ) make any friends? it's the second day, dad. make any enemies? try not to worry about this bullying thing. there's no reason he should be bullied. there's no reason why i was bullied. your dad said it was because you were effeminate. not effeminate-- sensitive. and jake's sensitive. they'd have him for breakfast at my school. they'd have mike tyson for breakfast at your school. karen: do i have to go to the school that you...go to when i'm older? no, no, sweetheart. we'll commit fraud and say you live at granddad's. why do you have to go to the school that you go to?

what, to teach there? yeah. hmm. well... is it because you've been naughty? no, i chose to do it. why? well, that was a long time ago when daddy was young and he thought he could get quite rough children to learn to love history. daddy was wrong. now go on, eat your peas. i'm not eating out of it because it's not my bowl. what's that? what's what? what's that down there? ( sighs ) ben's dinner. oh, he's good. okay, here is the deal. you eat half the burger, okay? and all these vegetables. i'm only eating two things of-- one--like, um,

one piece of broccoli and then another piece of broccoli. i'm not eating any of the other two. no, no, no, no, no. you've gotta eat all these peas. i'm just eating-- like, one corn and another corn. no negotiations. you're gonna eat all that food. okay? that's it. i'm not-- you're eating everything. (deep voice) glory to sparta! ( ringing ) aaah! aaah! ( kids screaming upstairs ) okay, five spoonfuls. five spoonfuls. n-o. no. i'm not eating any more than two. four. four mouthfuls. nope, i'm not-- that's two times two. come on. four. no, i'm just eating two things. three? one and a half! there are children in africa who are starving, they would love to eat all this stuff. why don't you just send it to them?

go buy an envelope and send it to them. 'cause you can't put this in an envelope, can you? it'd all get crushed, you'd get sort of soup. you could put each thing in some, like, plastic bag, and then you could put it in the thing and then send it. i am not gonna put a burger in a bubble wrap. just eat this. ( thudding, screaming upstairs ) dad: what are they doing up there? deion's mum should be here soon. is she eating up? she's banging on about how that's not her bowl. well, it isn't her bowl, because i dropped hers this morning. and i had to drive all the way to ikea to get her one that was identical, but it is identical. well, then, how does she know? don't know. she must have... powers? is that ben's bag? no, it's deion's. right. god, his writing's much better than ben's. and his pictures.

and his maths! what is wrong with that school? what do you make of him? he's a bit odd, isn't he? i mean, all that stuff about the dead rat and the bricks... just don't get involved. but-- kids take the tiniest thing and they blow it out of proportion. daddy, i've had one spoonful. can i get down? yeah. all right. can someone get pusscat from the car? okay. ( phone rings ) oh, veronica, you-- hello? mm-hmm? ( moos ) hey. no, you're not having a biscuit. why not? mum said i could have one. yeah, but that was before you hid all your tea over there, wasn't it? i didn't hide all my tea over there. so who did hide all your tea over there? deion. well, you're not exactly famous for telling the truth, are you, ben? well, look at this. no fibs for a whole week. one whole week. mum: bloody veronica. she hates anyone who's had children.

she looks on it as slacking. ben's just been showing me his chart. he's very proud of it. he's been putting his own stars on again, hasn't he? i put them up there. karen: i saw him make a tower to get the stickers and put them on the chart, and also i saw him cut a centipede in two with scissors. it's really not nice to tell tales on your brother. so, was it ben who threw the quiche on tim and suki's conservatory roof? yes. and was it ben who buried the-- pete. can i have biscuit? yes. but it's not a reward, it's, um... it's a biscuit. thank you. he swore blind the quiche thing wasn't him. this is getting even more out of control. what does doctor internet say? ohh! why do you always assume that i've been on the--

okay. well, there's this woman in new zealand and she's doing this blog, and she's got a son who's a bit like ben, and...it's fairly reassuring. because? because he's slightly worse than ben. so, of the five billion people on earth, we know that one lies more than ben. d'you know, in some ways i would rather my child was best. another one from angela? yeah, postcard. her favorite method of communication. said she'll be passing through in a couple of days. with the emphasis on "passing through." there'll be the usual one-day royal visit where she shows off her sun tan and tells me that what i'm cooking is full of poison. and then she'll piss off, and dad won't even get a-- oh. bin night. there.

ben: we're in big trouble when you leave. this toilet roll's gonna go in a minute. what have you been doing?! look, mummy, it's a mummy! ohh, god. deion, look, your mummy's gonna-- your real mummy's gonna be here in a minute. take your loo roll and go and try and get some of that off he can't walk. before she comes. ben, i need to have a chat with you. now, just--ben, listen to me. i didn't do it. what? the, um... broken toilet roll holder. ben. yeah? have you ever heard of the story called "the boy who cried wolf"? yeah, it's about a boy who has some sheep and he says that a wolf is attacking his sheep. yes. nobody believes him, and he gets munched up. yeah. and it's a story all about what? but if you're gonna speak to me about lying, there are no wolves around here. we're in london, don't forget.

yeah. but the reason i'm talking about-- they've got wolves back in scotland. yeah, thanks, deion. ben, no one will like you if you lie. 'cause you tell lies a lot. ( ray gun noises ) stop doing that while i'm talking. in fact, give it to me. look, listen to me. listen. you must not lie. what i do is sarcasm. ben-- sarcasm is saying the opposite of what you mean. that's what dad said. no, what you do, it's-- ( ray gun noises ) what you do is, you tell lies. no, i don't. look, the upshot is, you tell lies. and what you're saying is, is if you do something like you say, "no, i didn't throw quiche onto the conservatory roof," and really you did throw quiche onto the conservatory-- you're saying that's sarcasm, are you? yep. ohh, brilliant. sarcasm. yeah, yeah, that's sarcasm. ben: deion, where are you? mum: ben, i haven't finished yet! come back here, please!

deion, i have to speak to ben for a bit longer. ben, will you please come back here? it's tough starting secondary school, eh, jake? i was, um... i was thinking about when i started secondary school. there were a couple of boys who picked on me. yeah, 'cause you were effeminate. no, not because i was-- dad, what's all this about you being a racist? what? where did you hear that? uh, well, susan bentley's brother goes to your school, and he reckons you're in trouble for being a racist or something. look, some-- some stupid parent has made some stupid complaint, but that absolutely does not make me a racist. okay, jake? okay. i mean, it has to be said, you do shout at ainsley harriott rather a lot when he's on the tv. everyone does that. i shout at vanessa feltz,

trinny and susannah... davina mccall... hugh edwards. i-- it does not make me a racist. if anyone is a racist, it is the parent who is bringing this stupid complaint. jake, do you think you ought to go and finish your homework? do i have to? mm-hmm. what racist complaint? it was that kid kemal again. the fat turkish kid? yeah. he was stuffing his face, as per usual, in lessons, munching his way through a bag of crisps, and i said to him, purely frivolously, "you could do with ramadan lasting all year round, couldn't you, kemal?" it was quite witty, really. and now his dad has said that i singled him out because of his religion, and apparently i've traumatized him about his weight. which is down to a glandular disorder it seems, which presumably compels him to thrust pies down his throat. and that was it.

the governors won't take it seriously. the governors?! he wrote to the l.e.a., so it has to go to the governors. but they'll just kick it into the long grass. i can't believe that you were trying to keep this quiet. i was gonna tell you when it was over. brilliant. so now i've got two members of my family lying to me! i didn't want to worry you. ( thudding, screaming upstairs ) we should be sharing these things, pete. i know, i know. you're right. um... what? there was... an incident that was vaguely similar last year. how similar? similar in that it was another completely baseless complaint. and it went to the governors. ohh! i mean, you just can't make jokes these days. i mean, that joke had no racial aspect, it was just an unfortunate coincidence

that she was pregnant. now, let me get this straight. the school is investigating whether you are racist. but i am not a racist. i am not racially prejudiced in any shape or form. would you like some juice, deion? hmm? ( toy helicopter whirring loudly ) do you want to play? do you want a toy? okay, i'll have that one. i'm worried about bullying. why are you worried about bullying? i pushed maisie. oh, you're worried you're a bully. how many times did you push maisie? once. and then what happened? she pushed me back, and then we played a game called "spy dudes." what's "spy dudes"? it's where you have to follow a teacher around, and without them noticing, and--and, um, and then find out things about their life.

did you find anything out? i found out that one of the teacher's husband had ge-- gout. what's gout? i'm not that sure. look, when the last complaint thing flared up, it was just after your mum had died and i thought you had enough on your plate. but after that, you could have told me then. yeah, but after that you got involved in that argument with angela. ( toy helicopter whirring ) ben! we're trying to have a-- ( sighs ) ( sighs ) ben: sorry. hey, deion! i found something really cool! she left you to sort out the will, and she wanted that second funeral. oh, god, yeah, when she was going through her druid phase. i was surprised she didn't just want to dig mum up and leave her on the mountaintops for the vultures to eat. but this whole kemal racist complaint thing is absurd. yeah, well, nothing will come of it. of course not. it'll just-- fizzle out.

just blow over. 'course it will. ben: karen, look what i found in the bin! it's your bowl! no, it's not! ben! karen: what is it? nothing! jake, can you try not to leave the lights on? you're the one that's worried by global warming. it's not global warming you want to worry about, it's the carbon bloom. carbon bloom? when the tundra melts and all the peat releases the carbon dioxide trapped in it, then it goes into the earth's atmosphere, and the temperature shoots up by about ten degrees in a couple of days. right. and then what happens? everyone dies. excellent. in the meantime, i'll turn the bloody lights out. what's this? karen's birthday list. "hamma beads, blutack... donkey." ( mooing ) oh, hi, deion. your mum will be here soon. it won't be mum. she's in prison. she's in prison?

i saw her in the playground last week. she's in prison for trying to kill the headmaster. oh, right. okay. and how did she do that, exactly? with a deadly ray gun. well, let's hope that she'll escape from prison and pick you up really soon. ben: deion, where are you? well, that all makes sense, doesn't it? what? where it's all coming from, the lying, because ben really looks up to deion. well, there are classes, i suppose, where there's a culture of lying, especially amongst boys. at least we haven't raised a sociopath. d'you know, i thought when we had a third child, it would get easier. i thought i'd get better at the dad thing. i think that we worry too much. it's important not to fall into the trap of over-parenting. more internet? no... it's a book. a book. do you think we over-parent, or do we under-parent? both, i think. often at the same time. ( doorbell rings ) ah, good. deion's mum. i can't wait to get them all into bed

and then just collapse. trick or treat. what? trick or treat. it's september. halloween isn't till the end of october. we're away then, so... okay, deion, did you bring anything with you? coat? book bag? shoes? there's my shoes. no, those are my shoes. let's pop you up on here. here's the other shoe. yes, ben? how many buckets of water could fill an elephant? i don't really know, ben. if it was one that you could open the back and pour water in, how long would it take? um... would it take, um-- would it take longer with custard? okay, that's it. off we go. you're okay, deion. but you haven't answered my question. what was your question? how many buckets of water will it take to fill an elephant? four thousand, six hundred and fifteen. how long would that take?

seven hours, twenty-two minutes. are you sure? could be quicker if you use a hose. false alarm. trick or treaters. what, in september? god, i hate all that american stuff. god, so do i. it's like when angela comes back with all that "sidewalk" and "cookie" crap. i mean, she's english! oh, no, no, sorry. she's a citizen of the world. yeah, well-- i know what's gonna happen. she's gonna drop by, she's gonna give dad half an hour of her precious time, and then she's gonna bugger off to find herself-- again. i mean, she-- can you stop going on about bloody angela?! i didn't mean to snap at you, it's just that when you go off on one about angela, that's quite a lot of the day gone. ( phone rings ) ( ringing ) hello? oh, hi. oh, no. okay. uh, i'll bring him out. no, no, that's fine. it's your mum, she can't park. she's probably on the run from the police.

the police thing isn't true. really? and my-dad-throwing-the-brick thing isn't true. isn't it? ben told me to say that stuff. ( sighs ) bye-bye, ben's mum. thank you for having me. deion, you got everything? yes. mum, can you get pusscat from the car?! did mummy put you on the naughty step? yes, that's right. what did you do? i told her not to go on about something. hmm. hey, you're not allowed to leave the naughty step until mummy says. i got clearance from the parole board. ( door closes ) "ben told me to say that stuff." i know. i'll tell you something else-- pusscat isn't in the car. ohh, god! i had to whip out to boots, and karen had pusscat,

but i think she must have dropped her while we were waiting. then go to boots! go. boots. now. but it's closed. we're just gonna have to bluff like mad. but she's in the car... and we've lost the car keys. that's good. ( doorbell rings ) deion must have left something behind. surprise! too right it's a surprise. why didn't you ring? oh, god, here we go. because then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? hey, honey! oh! how are you? mwah! guys, where are you? it's auntie angela! it's their bedtime. try not to get them-- and she's got presents! --excited. angela: where are you all? who loves auntie angela? me, me, me, me, me, me! oh, you've got a bad back? i know this wonderful reiki guy. he's a friend of trent. i'll give you his number. there you go. hmm. and, um, this is for ben.

they're seeds, and you can make pictures with them. they're from bulgaria. say thank you, ben. oh, no, that's cool, you don't have to bother with all that stuff with me. well, in this house, you do have to bother with all that stuff. so...ben? but it's seeds. yes, but you have to say thank you for presents even if they're seeds. don't you? uh, yeah. for all presents. say thank you. thank you. now, jake... this is for you. thank you. and karen, look what i've got for you! look! it's a dream catcher. isn't it beautiful? it's made by the native americans, and it catches your dreams and keeps them safe forever. i had a dream about weasels eating me last night, and i don't want that one again. well, no, it wouldn't keep a dream like that. it only keeps the nice ones. how does it know which ones are the good dreams and which ones are the bad dreams? that's a very, very good question.

it knows which are the good dreams because it can see you smiling in your sleep. what if you're smiling, but it's a bad dream? um... uh.... and it catches that one and you have it again? it's more magical than that. how does it-- say thank you, karen. thank you. so, nice to see you. yeah. right. well, i'll go and make you a bed up. oh, i'm not staying. no, of course you're not staying. dad has been ringing every day for a week to try and find out when you're coming, and you know how anxious he gets now with his-- and you're just gonna drop in and say, "hello! goodbye!" and then run away again as per usual. it's just not-- i'm staying with dad. pardon? i'm gonna stay with dad. i've left the states for good to stay with him. i did a lot of thinking while i was on holiday, and you're right, it's my turn.

and dad's not gonna live forever. i want to spend some time with him. well, that's great. thank you. isn't it? yeah, it--that-- that really is great. to angela. to angela. with me staying there, i can help him beat this thing. first time you look after him, and you lose him! ben: stranger! stranger! i'm not a stranger, i'm his dad. don't talk to any journalists under any circumstances.