you're just gonna drop in and say "hello, good-bye" and then run away again as per usual. i'm staying with dad. what's all this about you being a racist? you want me to submit a written apology. not an apology, a statement of regret. ben, you must not lie. i'm not called ben! don't talk to any journalists, under any circumstances. okay, everyone, how are we doing? ben, have you got your stuff? karen? ( garbage disposal rattling ) oh, bloody hell. has someone been putting forks down here again? i've got a headache. ah, well, a brisk walk to school, that's the best thing for a headache. i got a tummy ache. oh, that's a shame. you always get a tummy ache on a wednesday, don't you? it looks like a...

like a mangled... pair of scissors. i think i've got a few viruses that makes me to ill to go to school. no, you're fine. i'm not fine! i might be sick. karen! karen: i can't find my other shoe! i really am quite poorly. karen, where did you last see them? karen: and also i can't find my hairbrush to brush my hair. sue; well, where did you last see it? ( coughs ) nasty little cough you've got there, ben. now get your swimming stuff, it's wednesday. there's one thing i can't do, and it's definitely swimming. could you send them a note? yep, i can send them a note saying "ben is pretending to be ill." but what if i really am ill? i might die. yeah, we'd be very upset, but we'd learn to live with it. now come on, get your swimming stuff. off you go. you okay, jake? yeah, i'm fine. good, good. look, this, uh, this bullying thing at school, it's just the one kid doing it, is it?

look, dad, i don't want to talk about it now. yeah, but you have to talk-- dad, just chill, okay? ( phone rings ) i am chilled. it's just-- hello? oh, hi, veronica. sue: karen! she's sort of in the middle of something at the moment. karen: it's mine! give it back! is it? sue, it's veronica. can i call her back? can she call you back, veronica? no, you can't apparently. oh, hi, veronica. yeah. yeah, i did get it. it's just a bit hectic here today. yeah, well, did it have to be today only? yeah, it does have to be today. okay, right. who is veronica? veronica's a lady your mommy works for part time... 16 days a week. all right, bye. go on, get your shoes on. one day they're gonna find that woman dead in a lay-by with her blackberry shoved down her throat.

i just tried to chat with jake about the bullying thing. he told me to chill. well, the school seem to be reasonably well across it. how can you tell? you know, i was bullied for ages, and the school did nothing about it. yeah, but that was 30 years ago, and bullying was part of the curriculum then. they're much hotter about it now. there's very little to be gained from just wading in. i'm not wading in. i'm just trying to check-- what are you doing? i've just stacked that. i know, but if you put the bowls there and the mugs there and the glasses there, they clean better. where does it say that bowls have to go there? ( phone rings ) it's just a fact. can somebody else get that please? and if it's for me, can you take a message? no! what are you doing?! pete: i'm putting the bowl there. sue: yes, but the glasses go there. hello? hello, auntie angela. good. is your hair really that color? would you like me to print out your letter of apology--

sorry-- statement of regret? no. no, i'm still drafting it. the head can wait another day. it doesn't read as very regretful, does it? and just signing it "your respectful servant," that sounds sarcastic. good. okay, wagons roll! i don't know-- all this fuss over one comment about one chubby boy. yeah, that's what that journalist said. journalist? i thought the head said that you weren't supposed to speak to anyone. well, i didn't talk to him, did i? he asked me some questions, and i refused to comment. but that's talking to him. what if he prints it? he's not gonna print anything. i haven't given him anything to print. which paper was it? the local rag. the one that's totally free, and yet somehow you still feel cheated. i think i've got bovine t.b. i might give it to the whole school if i-- ( crash ) if i go swimming. have you put your homework in your book bag? the homework you did for mrs. baxter.

ben, you said you'd done it! i know, but i haven't. ( phone rings ) why? oh, god. do you know the really stupid thing about lying, ben? it's pointless. oh, hi, veronica. yeah, no, i haven't managed to make a start on it yet. the truth comes out-- always, every time. no, it doesn't. it does. what about murderers? they lie. some don't get caught. no, they always catch them. you're always saying the police are useless. how can they catch murderers if they're useless? this--this isn't about murderers, ben, it is about you, isn't it? oh, come on, dad, we really don't have time for this. what about batman? does he lie? yeah, but only to protect his secret identity. it's not the same... type of lie. oh, come on! sue: karen, come on. karen, it's school time now, out the door. you see, what batman did wasn't really lying, was it?

it was just being economical with the truth. no, he wasn't. he lied. i'm not saying that i can't do it, veronica. i'm just saying it's gonna be a very heavy day. yeah, but he didn't lie about his homework, did he? you are going to have an equally heavy day, but-- no, he doesn't lie. charming! she hung up on me! i could murder her! ben: dad says you'll definitely get caught. sue: is everybody happy? ben: i'm going to be sick. sue: no, you're not. ben: here it comes. ( ben gagging ) sue: and don't force it. pete: you're not gonna be sick, ben. ben: yes, i am. pete: if you are, you're gonna be sick in your book bag. ( phone rings ) hello? oh, hi, veronica. daddy! hello. whoa! ( grunts ) up you come. is it true that those people really took pictures of fairies? what people? some people did take pictures of fairies, yeah, but it was about 100 years ago, and then they all turned out to be faked in the end.

why couldn't they find any real fairies to photograph? well, no... no, real fairies are very hard to spot, aren't they? have you ever seen one? i have. i saw two. i saw a real fairy with the tooth fairy, 'cause she was having a new job, and so the other tooth fairy was bringing her around to see and show what they do. that would be a fairy on work experience, wouldn't it? you're very lucky to see that second fairy, 'cause normally they'd just be doing the photocopying or something. who faked those photos? well, actually, it was some little girls, and you know what happened? everybody got very excited, and then they found out that it was a trick... because the truth will out, ben. you see? always. how was school? the nurse sent me home. what? i said i was ill.

she rang mommy, and mommy came and picked me up. so you went to the nurse, and you said you were unwell, and the nurse just sent you home straight away, just like that? yeah, she's new. right. well, if you're so very ill, you'd better go and have a lie down. yeah, i'm just gonna lie down on my bed and watch little britain on the internet. no, you're not. you are not to watch little britain on the internet. i mean it, ben, you're not going on the internet. man on radio: it's 5:27... stop telling me the time! ( turns off radio ) are you okay? yeah, i'm dandy. so the nurse sent him home, did she? yeah, at quarter past ten, dozy cow. he's been driving me nuts all day, veronica's been driving me nuts, the computer's been driving me nuts, and now this is driving me nuts. apart from that, how was your day? oh...middling. how's jake? don't know, he's not back yet. he's a bit late, isn't he? is he? i suppose he is.

well, the traffic's horrendous. he's probably stuck on a bus or something. yeah, that'll be it. i spoke to frank morrison today. who's frank morrison? he's head of i.t. do you want me to do that? is that a genuine offer or are you just saying that? the second one. anyway, frank morrison, he's got grown-up kids now, but he said that when they were little, he took them out of school for a year, and they went around the world traveling. he said it was brilliant, and there was no problem whatsoever about it. do you think foxes go to heaven? why do you ask? because i saw a dead fox in the playing ground at school. well, i suppose it depends on what kind of life they've lived, doesn't it? i don't suppose the foxes that rip open our bin bags are going to heaven. all i'm saying is the morrison family-- the money will run out. it wouldn't have to, i mean, because i could work-- do you believe in god? well... um... i don't know. i often ask myself the same question. i--i want a... i want a clear answer.

do you believe in god? well, i think people should be able to believe whatever they want to believe, really. i know. i know that, but i want to know what you believe. do you believe in god? right, well, um... okay, i think probably... um, you know, when--when i think about it, that there must be some kind of-- ( doorbell rings ) that'll be jake. forgotten his keys again. mommy, do you believe in god? mommy's unblocking the sink, darling. ( car alarm sounding ) hello. oh, hi, angela. i just came around to drop these off-- the spare keys to dad's place. well, come and have a cup of tea. um, well, i can't stop. hi, auntie angela! hiya, ben. are you okay? i've got a bug. oh, well, you look quite healthy. yes, that's one of the symptoms apparently. ah. have you got any chocolate? uh... pete: it'll be tea time soon. sue: not at this rate, it won't.

hiya. isn't life too short to be doing that? make yourself useful, ange. get rid of that, will you? do you believe in god, auntie angela? well, yes, i suppose i do, in a way. i mean, i suppose that i believe that god is everywhere, in everything. he's in the sky and in the sea and in-- i'm so sorry, angela. that was so rude. karen! no, no, no, she's fine. leave her. i had no idea i was so boring. ( chuckles ) how are you getting on then? with your dad. yeah, good, fine. i'm getting used to his foibles. he's started sorting through the loft over and over again. that's a symptom, actually. i don't think everything he does can be a symptom. i think that's probably not the way to approach it. ( door closes ) ah, there he is. hi, jake, man, how was school? all right. any problems? no. good. your auntie angela's here.

hi, auntie angela. hiya. hi, darling, how was your day? all right. all right's all right, isn't it? what's for tea? i thought i'd send out, to be honest. can we have chinese? you're a bit late back. oh, yeah, traffic was bad. i said it would be that, but, you know, next time you're running a bit late, just give us a ring on the old moby, eh? yeah, sorry. no, that's all right, darling. you're fine. next time. i'm a bit tired, so i'm gonna switch my brain off. he seems fine. why? is he having problems? no. no, no, just normal boy stuff. karen: give it! it's mine! your turn. why don't i have a crack at the sink? your turn. go, now. it's mine! give it now! what are you two-- she started it! i haven't even asked who started it. but he called me a bad word! he called me lezza, which i don't like. he called me a lezza, which i really don't like, and a toss piece. i especially don't like lezza.

for your information, lezza isn't a bad word. it is a bad word, ben. it is very, very unkind, and you don't even know what it means. i do. a lezza is a lady who likes-- hey! i don't want anymore going on. yes, but he kicked me. did you kick her? but i thought she had knee protectors on. how could you think that she's wearing knee protectors? look, you can see her knees, can't you? there are no protectors, and anyway, even if you did-- he charged at me with a frisbee, and it hit me! frisbee's are not-- frisbees are more sharp, because they have a sharp end here, and also they hurt when you do that. ow. ben, you sit there, and you on the stairs. now i am going downstairs, and you two are going to stay 10 feet apart from each other, okay? now, do you think you can do that? pete: good. karen: he called me a lezza. ben: she touched me with a fairy wand. pete: for god's sake, stop! karen, ben, stop!

i mean, he hadn't wanted me physically for ages, and you kid yourself, don't you? that it's all okay, and then you find out you've been lied to, and then the scales fall from your eyes, and you realize that every relationship is a lie. yeah. sorry, jake. ( sniffles ) it's just come pouring out. i suppose i sensed it was over, but it's still a shock, isn't it? i know, yeah. yeah, no, well, no-- veronica, you see, technically-- no, no, no, no, i can-- i can absolutely track down the printer for you. it's just-- ben: how far is 10 feet? yeah, no, it's just that it might-- it might not be in-- just be friends! ten feet apart! angela: the worst part is that you feel so stupid.

i mean, you actually feel ashamed. it's ridiculous, isn't it? ( crying ) you okay, angela? oh, it was so silly, pete. jake and i were just chatting, and then it all came pouring out of me. i mean, i've been wanting to tell someone. tell them what? trent and me... well, there is no trent and me. oh. ( clears throat ) right, i see. trent needs more space. right. but angela says that's just code for seeing somebody else. ( crying ) yes, i--i know, veronica. i'm sure that roger is being a complete git, which--which makes more-- yes, and i will do what you want me to do. it's just that if you keep ringing up every half an hour to see whether i've done it yet, it's going to be a bit slower.

do you-- do you get what i mean? excuse me a minute, veronica. what are you after? brandy. angela's crying. trent's ditched her. told you! sue, your sister is crying. oh, yeah, right. sorry. i really thought he was the one. ( sniffles ) has granddad died? no, darling, granddad's fine. it's just something not very nice happened to auntie angela, and she's being a bit silly, that's all. ( sniffles ) oh. do you want to stay and eat with us, ange? angela: and you know, if i'm honest,

we'd been struggling for a while. yeah, there were quite a few issues, weren't there, auntie? and trent and i are a both a bit-- a bit volatile, so it was like fire meets fire, and that just makes, you know, more fire. i tell you, you two are so lucky. what do you mean by that? well, you're both so... solid. well, i can be fiery. i can be quite fiery. it's just that i've learnt how to control it. ( chuckles ) what? nothing. i got another bottle of wine. you didn't exactly control it when you shouted at that traffic warden, did you? what's a nazi? a nazi is a very unpleasant person who believes... very unpleasant things. what things do they believe? well... nazi's think that they are better than other people. and they didn't like anyone who was different.

they didn't like people who were jewish, and they didn't like-- so you called that traffic warden a nazi for all those things that he believed. well, no. he... i was feeling very angry and very wrongly, very wrongly, i called him-- a nazi rat bag. oh, not this again. i mean, i was exaggerating a little bit, and i felt cross-- the nazis were a group of germans who chased everybody with machine guns, and they were led by adi hitler. adi hitler? ( all laugh ) only to his mates then, i guess. hermy and joe joe. karen: what's a rat bag? it's a bag where you put rats in. no, it isn't. it's a rat, and you use its tail for the handle for the bag, and you put things inside it,

and that keeps it, and that's a rat bag. you mean, like a handbag? yeah. want to get your mother a versace rat bag? maybe it's an airbag for a rat. what? if a rat was driving a car or something? yeah. that could be useful for wind in the willows. can i ask you a question? what? are you eating or are you knitting? both. oh, okay. well, i'd better be making tracks. i don't want dad to worry. well, he won't be. he knows you're here, i phoned him. yeah, but i don't like leaving him alone. all right then. angela: thank you, guys. you've really cheered me up. bye-bye. bye. nice to see you. thank you, my love. oh, good luck with the plumbing. oh, that's defeated me. i'm gonna get a nice polish man out in the morning. you know, trent and me... i think perhaps it's a blessing. i mean, if i was still with him, i'd never have come home, and this feels so right for me now. it feels so...

permanent. well, that's good. mmm, and trent's loss is our gain. thank you. hey, jake come look at this! it's ben. ben hasn't got red hair. yeah, but his head's on fire. oh. i know that face. well, admit it, you see she's serious, isn't she? about sticking around and looking after your dad, and she's coping really well, which means that the burden is taken off your shoulders and also means that we are free... as soon as we sell the children to angelina jolie. and you have to learn how to accept good news. yeah, i suppose so. ugh! yuck!

yes? can we help you? yes. i'm--i'm feeling poorly. in what way, poorly? i'm beneath the weather. in what way, beneath the weather? i've got toothache, backache, headache, face ache... excellent. why is it excellent? not excellent, bad. i might be too ill to go to school tomorrow. maybe i need some medicine. no, my darling, i know what you need. what do i need? acting lessons. up you go. karen, bath! bath time! ♪ are you okay? fine. fancy a kick about? do you mind if we don't right now? no, that's fine. so today was all right, was it? yeah, fine. ( phone beeps ) oh, by the way, i've got a new mobile phone, so i need to load the number into yours.

we can do that later, can't we? we can do it now. come on, it won't take a minute. where's your mobile? i haven't got it. you've lost your mobile phone? no, i haven't lost it. i know where it is. well, where is it? ( sighs ) someone's got it. that boy has stolen your mobile phone off you, hasn't he? no, it's not stealing. i know where it is. i've heard enough of this. the school said they would deal with it. i'm gonna go in there tomorrow-- dad, don't, please. dad, please. dad, please don't. just don't do anything. i can handle it, please. it has to be sorted out, jake. yeah, i know. it's just... just what? every time you try to sort things out, nearly every time you make it worse. i'm sorry, but it's the truth. sue: here we go then. ( clears throat )

"you're my lunch." "'you're my lunch,' roared the hungry alligator. "'i'll eat half of you now and save the rest till later.'" no, no, no, no, no, you don't read it like that. read it how daddy reads it, like--like in different voices. i've only just started. wait and see what i give you. but that's not how the alligator speaks. yes, but it is-- what daddy does is he does... "you're my lunch," and he does different sorts-- is it a welsh alligator? no, he does-- "'you're my lunch,' roared the hungry alligator." no, because he doesn't do that. he does it in a different sort-- okay, then i will. just--just give me a chance, 'cause i haven't got very far in yet, have i? let's see if i can rise to daddy's lofty heights. but daddy does it in a really-- well, perhaps we should get daddy. daddy's very busy at the moment,

because daddy's downstairs watching the television, so i'm up here reading the story, and if you would like me to read percy the puffin, then this is how it's going to be. "'you're my lunch,' roared the hungry alligator. "'i'll eat half of you now and save the rest till later.' "'well, you can't eat me,' said charlie." daddy does them like... "no, not me, you can't eat me," then he's like... ( high-pitched voice ) "no, not me, you can't eat me!" does he? does he? good old daddy. "'oh, bother!' said the hungry alligator." mom, veronica's on the phone! sue: can you tell her i'll call her back? she says she's gonna call you back. pillock. pillock. git. vanessa feltz. okay? yeah, i'm fine. at what age do your children start thinking of you as incompetent? oh, i don't know. three, two.

better go and ring the witch. pratt. you know nothing about the weather. ben: i feel sick! i've given you a bowl! oh, hi, veronica. it's sue. yeah, look, um... i've managed to track down a supplier for this printer, and i can put in an order tomorrow, and i can get a 12% discount on anything over 10 and 17% discount on anything over 50. so how many do you reckon we're going to need? one. right, so this isn't for all the offices. this is for you at home. no one cares. no one cares. dad, do you know you talked to a reporter yesterday? mm-hmm. did he ask you why the school wanted you to apologize?

yeah, but i didn't give him an answer. i just said, "i don't know." i just told him he'd be better off asking the school, something non-committal like that. "'i don't know why i should apologize,' says race row teacher." yep, the thing is i presumed the printer was part of the office refit, rather than for your own personal use, and so that sort of begs the question whether me chasing after it all day was in fact the best use of my time. "anti-islamic jibe"? i made a joke at the expense of a fat kid who happened to be turkish. your head told you not to talk to the papers, didn't he? "under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever" is what he actually said. then that's just a huge cock up then, isn't it? it is the mother of all cock-ups. the journalist has just twisted everything i said. well, they are known for that, aren't they?

well, still, it is only the local rag. your headmaster might not even see it. he is gonna go absolutely-- well, that went as well as could be expected. eh? well, i just put down a marker for veronica. i told her that she wasn't respecting the fact that i was part-time. she said that she was, and i said that all her phone calls and e-mails at all the hours god sends were interfering with my family life, and she said that wasn't her problem, and i said, "well, it is now," and then i resigned. that was the marker you put down? yeah. your resignation? yeah. it's great, isn't it? only i didn't use the word resignation. i used lots of shorter words. all right, jake, shouldn't you be doing your homework? no, i wanna watch this. i think we should have a drink to celebrate. i mean, we don't need the money that she's giving me, do we? we can cope financially, as long as you're pulling in a wage. and you know what? i've been thinking, and i think we should do that world trip idea of yours. i've got to stop seeing bear-traps everywhere.

we could rent this house out while we're away, and you could teach while we're on the road. i mean, it's easy. you just need to get a reference from the school. yay! i'm free! um, mom-- ( phone rings ) i bet that will be veronica begging me to reconsider. i bet it isn't. ♪ i said this time and time again that i'm going to leave home, and now i really am. isn't this nice? wine, and my grown up son at the table... and wine. i woke up at 3:00 this morning, and he was in the garden putting bottles into boxes. you can't just do things like this and think you're going to get away with it! sue, is-- everything's under control. ♪