granddad: are we late? i don't want to miss the plane home. we're not late, are we? sue: don't worry, dad. it's fine. we're not late. we're early. granddad: yes, well, that way we avoid our usual last minute panic, don't we? i'll get the trolley. okay, but remember they are not built for speed. you could have crippled that poor woman at gatwick. oh, i did shout, "look out, lady, i can't stop." so how early are we, mommy? well, let's ask daddy, shall we? exactly how early are we, daddy? well, we're a bit early. but how early? nice and early. daddy likes to allow plenty of time. that's right, in case there's bad traffic. bad traffic on a small island on a sunday in a catholic country? ( grunts ) look at those policemen. they've got guns. that is so cool. there is nothing cool about guns, ben. they are horrible things.

they kill people. that's why they're cool. young people make a lot of gun crime. it's a tragedy in our inner city. what? the man on telly said that-- the one with the desk. ( attempting welsh accent ) the one that speaks like that. fiona bruce. kids, you stay with granddad for a sec. it won't be long. have you ever fired a gun, granddad? oh, yeah, in korea. have you ever seen anybody get shot? oh, yeah. what, in korea? no, in a pub in aldershot. do you think it's safe to let your dad go back to his own house next week? he seems to have gone downhill a bit. well, he always gets more disorientated when his biorhythms are out of kilter. yeah, but on the holiday, he was wandering off and-- he wasn't that bad. sue, i found him on the dual carriageway. yeah, but that's because he's in a strange environment. our flight isn't even up there. twice i found him in someone else's room. yeah, but they all looked the same. that's an easy mistake to make. he had a bath in one of them. those people were very reasonable about it.

oh, there it is! t549. two-hour delay. oh, no... yep, with the three hours leeway you built in, that's five hours in an airport with kids. that's five weeks in real time. well... they can do some coloring. all right, well, it looks like we've got a bit of a wait. mommy's just working out where we check the bags in, and then that leaves us free to explore. ( man speaking on pa ) daddy, what's that man keep saying? oh, he's just telling us not to leave our bags unattended. now then-- but why does he keep saying it? well, because the airport people, you see, they don't want people just to wander off and leave their bags. that's why he's saying it. why? because there are some bad people who... very tiny, tiny, tiny number of--of bad people

who might want to... damage the planes. what, like graffiti? no, a bit worse than that. anyway, who wants an ice cream? me, but what's that got to do with bags? because that's where they hide their bombs. bombs?! the bad people have bombs?! we are talking about a fantastically tiny number of bad people. the world is full of nice people. anyway, it's nothing to worry-- oh, look! look at that policeman with the dog. what kind of dog is that, do you think? why does he bring his dog to work? to sniff out the-- companionship. well, guess what? check-in isn't even open yet. you all right, karen? yeah, she's on top form, aren't you, eh? actually, i'm not on top form. i'm thinking about all the bad people with the bombs. oh, right, so someone's got on to the topic of bombs, have they? it's all these incessant announcements, isn't it?

darling, the thing to remember is this. the naughty people who've got the bombs, well, they are a fantastically tiny, tiny number. isn't that right, granddad? yeah, yeah. mind you, it only takes one. karen: what do you mean, it only takes one? sue: he doesn't mean anything. ( groans ) how much longer till we leave? six hours. but it was four hours a few minutes ago. yeah, it was two, then four, and now it's six. they're working their way through the two times table. well, it's quite complicated, because they believe that their religion tells them to do it so that they can get into heaven. is this muslims? no, not just-- it's not just muslims, no. what other religions have blown up planes? well, uh... the...

well, it is mostly muslims, yes, but it's just a tiny, tiny group of muslims that do bad things, uh, because they think god is telling them to do it. that's silly. why would god tell them to blow up planes? well... exactly. god could do it much "easilier" than they could. he can do whatever he wants. he's god. well, yes, yes. let's continue. no, i won't, and anyway, i don't know the spanish for "can my son have a go with your machine gun?" and you won't find it in the phrasebook. oh, god! what's up? jake's texting jo, and jo isn't texting back. well, maybe there's a problem with her phone or something. or maybe jo doesn't want a boyfriend who's ugly. shut it! ( both yelling ) pete: stop! stop! um... ( man speaking on pa ) that man... when that man keeps saying "please report any suspicious behavior," what is sus-- suspicious behavior?

well, it's when someone's acting oddly, or they look very nervous, or they, i don't know, sweating a lot. of if they're carrying a bomb. yeah, that--that would qualify as suspicious behavior. okay. "oh, no, because--" that man's sweating. ( whispering ) yes, but he's hot. he's just hot. i saw a lady buy a chocolate bar and then not eat it, and i saw a man that was-- that was holding his hands behind his back for a very long time, and i saw a lady. she was looking at a sign with very small eyes. and i think those things are suspicious. just go and see if our flight's up now. go on. it really hacks me off, you know. we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. we're just friends. well, that's terrific.

yeah, because that means that you're not making the mistake i made, because i over-invested in one friend... who happened to be a girl. it's rather silly really. i used to give her all my refreshers. they were like a little packet of sweets that had letters on them, and i used to secretly rearrange the order of the letters so that they spelt out "i love you." mind you, i had to buy a lot of packets to get the right letters. how old were you? sixtee-- six. that man's still sweating. a... a... a... airplane? not that i see any. nope, it's not airplane. alsatian? nope, not alsatian. ak-47? no. a...

( mumbling ) all right, i give up. it's air. air?! you can't see air! you can! um, what about all that fog and mist that we had on holiday? that was air. yeah, sadly. and when it's a very hot day, you can see the sun coming in and all those dotty bits of air. that's dust. yes, but what makes it float? air does! all right, something beginning with... "t." who's this? "oh, jo. i love you, jo." shut up, you little idiot! i've had enough! boys, boys... don't touch me! oh! pete: boys! sorry. i am so sorry. don't worry. we didn't mean it. thank you. yeah, well, this is precisely how accidents happen. i am so sorry. it's fine, honestly. boys will be boys. i'm sure we've met before. were you at the hotel? no. we met on the way out... at gatwick.

i didn't have the stick then. ah... the ramp lady. i am--i am so-- please, it's fine. well, at least let us get you another coffee. no, honestly, i'm all right. no, no. jake. jake, go and get this lady another coffee, you know, by way of apology. i'm worried about the floor. careful. all right, i give up. it's time. karen, you can't see time. you can, because otherwise why would people say "have you seen the time"? yes, but that's a manner of speaking. you can't actually see the time. but why would they say it? because... because if a person looked and they saw the time, they'd say, "yes, i did, i have seen the time." yes, but i can't see your i spy of time, can i? you can't see time. you can feel time passing, especially playing this game. did you get that lady her coffee? yeah, and i got one for me as well. you got yourself a coffee? yeah, a double espresso.

a double ex-- you're the one who's telling me you like to try new things all the time. yeah, but i meant, you know, vegetables and stuff, not stimulants. you've never had caffeine before. all right, don't get in a state. i only drank half of it. oh. oh, okay. ben drank the other half. you let ben drink a double espresso? it tasted horrible to begin with, but then i added five spoonfuls of sugar, and now i feel all zingy, zangy, zongy! zingy, zangy, zongy? i feel light lightning! oh, my god. ( plane taking off ) ( man speaking on pa ) ( dog barking ) man: hey! as we had a bit of time to kill... to put it mildly, um... i did a rough calculation, and this is our debt at the end of the year.

bloody hell. and that's assuming i get the job i'm going for next week, and that's the figure if i don't. bloody hell! i mean, it's my fault. i should have stayed on top of things. i should never have booked this holiday. that was ridiculous. it's... it's my fault. clearly, it's my fault. oh, well, thanks for trying to make me feel better. pete, can you say something?! bloody hell. apart from "bloody hell"? jesus. i mean, this is without additional things, isn't it? like if we have to have the roof done or if we have to find somewhere for your dad to-- to what? well, you know, if he... yeah, well, he's going home soon, isn't he? once the fire damage is fixed. yeah. yeah, you're probably right.

bloody hell. ( sighs ) ( boys screaming ) pete: stop playing with the trolleys! marmalade? no. millionaire? nope. mop? nope. okay, i give up. what is it? muslim! no, karen! shh! keep your voice down! but he is a muslim! i know, buy you can't just-- and it begins with "m." you can't just point at people and shout out their religions. it's not nice. well, he must know that he's a muslim. look, it... it's quite complicated, because it's not easy being a muslim at the moment, and imagine if you saw a jewish person, you wouldn't point at them and shout out "oh, look, there's a...jewish person," because it wouldn't be right, would it? no, it wouldn't be right, because jewish person doesn't begin with an "m." don't you know how to play this game?

muslim. both: shh! that's brilliant! i never would've got that. ( woman speaking on pa ) ( makes shooting sound ) okay, karen, you see, what you have to understand is that the world is full of good people. well, all right then, out of ten people, how many people would be good? nine. and sometimes ten, because it really depends on which ten people you choose in the first place. okay, it's probably not best to get bogged down in the numbers. basically, most people in the world are good, but there are some people-- a tiny number-- who believe that everyone in the whole world should believe what they believe, and they've decided that anyone who doesn't have the same ideas or beliefs is an enemy, and they are allowed... to kill them. so they're like fantastically bossy people. that's it exactly-- fantastically bossy people.

who like explosives. hmm... al qaeda in a nutshell-- fantastically bossy people who like explosives. ready? you're out again! we won't be long, dad. boys! can you come here now, because it'll be our turn in a second. i seem to have spent all my life standing in line, while some other bugger pushes in. ( screams ) ♪ what's that dreadful noise? oh, it's muzak. what? muzak. muzak? muzak. no, no, no, sue, it's pronounced mu-sic. no dad, it's... it doesn't matter. look, we'll be moving soon. well, if there are so many good people and so less bad people, why don't the good people just kill the bad people? yes, but if... if the good people just killed all the bad people, then they wouldn't be good anymore, would they?

well, that is a point, but they could put all the bad people in big pit and make them kill each other. have you been reading the daily mail again? can i hold the trolley? yes, you can, as long as you're careful and you don't play with it. there's no such word as muzak. no, dad, it's... it doesn't matter. oh! oh, my god! granddad: what? what have you done? i am so sorry? are you okay? what did i tell you, ben? i'm really sorry. is your--oh. don't worry, i'm fine. i'm so sorry. how are we going to stop the person from being bad? you can't teach them. you can't play with them, because they'll just be bad at playing. you have to kill them. well, you could lock them up. oh, no, you couldn't lock them up, because they'll break out because they're so bad. they'll break out. they'll do... breaking-out thingies. you can't have the good people killing the bad people, because that's--that's... that's just as bad. well... you could...

put all the bad people in a black room, strap knives to their chests, and make them walk around. when they bump into each other, they'll be-- the knife will be going into the other person's chest, and they'll die. you see, you'd have to-- you can't let the bad people stab the bad people, because as a good person, you would feel morally obliged to stop that sort of... slaughter. hmm... well, you could take all the bad people and say, "you're going to fly off the edge of the cliff because you can fly," and then they'll be like, "all right," and then-- but then you're lie-- you're lying to the bad people then, aren't you? well, yes, but... they'll be dead. next, please. so, ben, that's the game, okay? the one who can mention the most explosives is the winner. did you pack the bags yourselves? no.

then who did? search me. i did. have you got any of the items on this chart? none except the semtex. oh, yes, semtex joke-- first one today. sorry. how many bags? uh, four. do you know how long it's likely to be? only i just want to know whether i should feed them or not. personally, i won't be requiring any food, mother... though my friend dinah might. i'm sorry, they're a bit-- dynamite. they had a double espresso. you give your kids double espressos? oh, no, no, we don't give them, they bought them. before we realized-- yeah, i mean if we'd known, then we wouldn't have... we would have... stopped. stopped them. stopped them doing it. here are your boarding passes. oh be careful with that bag, won't you? that's the one with the hand grenades in. okay, listen, for your information, saying something like that is actually a criminal offense. come on, he's just a kid! what's a criminal offense? what's happening? in america, he could get five years for that. he's just mucking about. airport security is not an environment for mucking about, okay? if he does it again, he could end up having to face the music. next, please. there. see, sue? mu-sic. "ic."

okay, boys, now give the gentleman your passport, but no wisecracks, because i don't wanna wake up in guantanamo bay. give the man your passport. come on, come on. thank you. off you go. afternoon. is there a problem? dad's a terrorist! shh! ( chuckles ) that's, uh, that's my son. he's had a double espresso. are they going to put daddy in jail? no, they're not! granddad: what's keeping pete so long? sue: formalities, dad. just formalities.

no, thank you, and, uh, you have a nice day yourself. pete... it's nice to see the spirit of general franco lives on. pete! well, talk about bad manners. don't get involved! they outrank you, and they've got the guns! a smile costs nothing, you know. sue: walk away! ( beeping ) everybody's looking at us, mommy. yes, i know, darling. whose bag is this, please? oh, god, that's ben's bag, isn't it? this is your bag? it's my son's bag, yes. is this about the knife? we have had enough of that little joke, ben, thank you very much. yes, it is about the knife. did you know he had the knife? no, i didn't know he had the knife... or the fish skeleton... or the doll's head with the little hermit crab in it.

i mean, it was obviously just stuff he'd picked up off the beach. there was no need for them to stand there waving their arms about. anyway, it was only a butter knife. he was hardly going to spread the pilot to death. could we talk about something else? at least jake seems to have hit the wall at last. ben seems the same, though. nearly halfway through the trenches. i don't think that caffeine makes any difference to the way he behaves. lives his whole life in a naturally caffeinated state. take that! ( makes explosion sound ) mommy, that man's acting suspiciously again. i don't think he is, darling. well, he looks all funny and nervous and sweaty. well, that's because you've been staring at him for the last half an hour. and why don't you carry on with your drawing. let's have a look at what you've done. what are you drawing? you've been drawing him. yes... in case the police need a description of him

after the plane's blown up. he's riding a zebra. yeah, because it's a bit boring just-- just having him standing there. why don't you draw him with another zebra... or a team of zebras. oh, for god's sake, this is getting on my tits! how much longer, for god's sake?! shouldn't be long now, frank. i wanna get back to my own house and sleep in my own bed. well, you might not be able to go straight back. i'm not an invalid! i know that. i proved that with the arm-wrestling. well... and the star-jumps. time for a slash. sue: do you know where it is? of course. i reckon this must be the worst half-term break we've ever had. well, maybe the trip to longleat. oh, god, yes. the monkey in the car... all those injections you had to have. god, she must have had her phone stolen or something.

i know, why don't we all play a game of "cheat." yeah, come on. now, karen, remember, this game is called "cheat" because it's all about cheating. you are allowed to cheat. all about cheating. yes, i know it's all about cheating! good. but there are still rules. let's just play, shall we? it's this way, apparently. two sixes. three sevens. three kings. cheat! can we play this game without cheating? oh, look, we've been over this! it's "cheat," that's the name of the game. "cheat"! i've won! i've won! you've got to cheat when you play "cheat," otherwise you'd just be putting cards down and telling the truth about them, and that'd be called... "truth." that sounds like a better game. can we play that instead? it's not real. oh, please, because you need rules. karen... like don't run with scissors, because otherwise there'd be-- but-- there'd be a whole hospital with people,

and--and they've got scissors stuck in their face. okay, game over. come on, give me your cards. actually, i think our plane may just have landed, so we ought to get ready. have you got the boarding passes? yes. how many more times? where are our seats? well, we've got two groups of three... a couple of rows apart. right, so it should probably go me, your dad, and jake, and you sitting with the two little ones, yeah? like it was on the way out. was that the formulation on the way out? yeah, i think it was. yeah, i was more thinking you and ben and karen, because that's fairer on dad, because he likes things calm. yeah. but he--he likes to talk about football, doesn't he? so possibly it should be me, your dad, and jake. or you, dad, and ben. or me, your dad, and karen. look, just cut the crap. you're sitting next to ben. why? because i sat next to him on the way out. i had him for an hour in a pedelo. that's nothing! five hundred yards off the coast! ah, dear...

this brings back memories. yeah? yeah. when i was little and it snowed, me and my dad would go out and piss in the snow together to make rude words. your dad ever done that with you? um... i don't think so. no, no, you see? parents just don't make the time to do that stuff with their kids nowadays. it is your turn to sit next to ben. but-- end of story. of course, we could go me, you, jake... and karen, ben, granddad... or would that be unfair on your dad? nah, i think that'd probably be okay. 'cause a lot of stuff washes over him, doesn't it? yeah, that's true. ( woman over pa ) flight t549 is now boarding. oh, hallelujah! that is us. right, right. wagons roll. let's get ready, everyone, please. we've got plenty of time. indeed, we have got plenty of time. that's right. as long as we don't leave everything to the last minute,

so come on, karen, ben, get your stuff together. we might as well wait till this queue's died down. yeah, but they said passengers with small children, so we can board. but we don't have any small children. yes, we have, sweetheart. we've got you, and we've got ben. we're not small! i'm the second biggest in the class! maisie warburton is much smaller than me! you'd call her small, but we're not small! karen... and anyway, can a small child do this? ( groans ) ben! no hitting! anyway, i'm not going to get on the plane until it's time for big children to get on. well, it's all irrelevant anyway, because we've got to wait till jake and granddad get back. yeah, but we can get ready. so don't panic. i'm not panicking. i'm just getting ready, 'cause it takes us so long to get-- ooh! ( crash ) i am so sorry! dad attacked that lady. i thought you said no hitting. i didn't hit her, it was-- i am so sorry. i just didn't see you there. you need to watch what you're doing, dad. that's precisely how accidents happen. sue: are you sure you're okay? look, at least let me replace your bottles. no, no, just stay away from me, all of you. please!

right, here we are. absolutely last in the queue. hello. happy now? boarding passes, please. sue, she needs our boarding passes. yes, hold your horses. sue, boarding passes. yes, it's fine. relax. oh, god, you can't have lost them. you haven't lost the boarding passes. it's fine. it's fine. it will all be fine. i'm sorry to hurry you, madam, but the pilot's very anxious to be on the move. it's okay. it's okay. they're in here somewhere. does this mean i get to miss school tomorrow? no, don't worry, we're just having our usual last-minute panic. yes, that's not fantastically helpful, my darling. well, i asked you if you had the boarding passes, and you said, "yes, i have got the boarding passes." yes, because i did have them. excuse me, we only have a very narrow window, and there's a lot of chaos at air traffic control... sue, they only have a very narrow window. i know, because she's just said that. i heard her.

i know, i did as well. sorry about this. this happens a lot. we need the boarding passes. i'm looking for them. if you could just stop nagging me, i could have a look in the bag for them. i'm really not supposed to be doing this, but i'll print you off a duplicate set of boarding passes, because the pilot says he's closing the door in 45 seconds. oh, you angel! thank you so much. i'm so sorry about this. she is so sorry about this. six boarding passes. thank you. and you've got 30 seconds. come on, everybody! chop-chop, let's go! go, quickly! come on! run, run, run, run! sue? sue? ♪ is it the same babysitter as last time? no. why not? you know why not. no! myself! it's me! i'll stab myself!

you've embarrassed me, and you've embarrassed yourselves. ben, do not shave your head! are you saying that you think he only offered me the job because he fancied me? don't be ridiculous. we don't think that you can really go home. mommy said that she was going to hunt you down and kill you like dogs. ♪