mr. brockman? his arm's not broken. he'll just have a bit of a bruise. so, can i see him now, then? the doctor would just like a couple more minutes with ben. ah, okay. i notice that he's been to casualty four times in the last 14 months. i know. he got a bit upset today that someone was sitting in his seat. and the accident today? yeah, i've already explained. i'm just finding it hard to picture the moment before he fell, him hanging upside down by his feet from the banisters. he was playing his vampire bat game. his vampire bat game. yeah. karen, it is after 7:00, and this project has to be in tomorrow. rhinos are boring. well, you chose them.

yes, but i wanted to do it on rabbits. but rabbits aren't endangered. well, neither are rhinoceroses. they just say that so that they get attention. well, look, whatever your personal feelings about rhinoceros... ses is, you have to do this project. you could do it. oh, no. i got five gold stars on my brazil project. yes, and i got four and 3/4 of those stars. we can do it together. okay. we'll do it together. or... i'll just be watching telly as we do it together. no! so, the one in april, you had hold of his ankles, and you were swinging him round and round. and the table was closer than i thought. and he'd probably grown a bit since the last time i did it. and the occasion in may, the stitches? look, that was the time when he climbed the crockery cupboard and it fell on him. ask ben! no, don't-- don't ask ben,

because ben is prone to exaggeration. well, more than that. so, you've never killed a man just to watch him die. ( sighs ) oh, not that again. it's just sometimes we see children with repeated injuries-- i know, i know, you have to-- you have to check it out, but, just for your information, so far ben has accidentally broken my nose, cracked two of my ribs, catapulted a sharpened chopstick deep into my buttock, and pushed a peanut into my ear while i was asleep, just to see what happens. but i have never, ever hurt him... except when i swung him round and banged his head on the table. ( car alarm blaring ) ben! pajamas and teeth! yeah? and, please, can you just use toothpaste this time! do you know, i could strangle him. although, according to their records, i've probably already tried that.

there is a bear in the microwave. yeah, it's like a hot water bottle. it's full of grain. karen's feeling poorly. well, that's probably a case of "my brother's getting more attention than me" -itis. jake: oh, mum? granddad called. oh, did he? how's he doing? yeah, he's fine. he says he really likes the home, but next time you go, could you bring him a panasonic remote. a remote? ( microwave beeps ) yeah, he says it'll give him dominance in the tv room. i'm feeling sick, you know! you'd better go to bed, then. why has she got hot bear? i'm the one that's ill! i've been in hospital. they said you were fine. i was not fine. i had bruises and a pattern of unexplained injuries. they are not unexplained injuries! all you've got is a few little bruises on your arm. well, i'm ill, so i should get hot bear. i'm iller. i'm iller. ( slap ) hey, hey, stop it. oh, no. if you were both so poorly, then you'd both have to go to bed quickly. so, come on. off you go. but it-- but it's worse when i lie flat. then sleep in a cupboard. come on. up you go. ( phone ringing )

( sighs ) - ben: give it! - karen: no! - sue: hello? oh, hello, tyson. "ooh, hello, tyson." oh, thanks! that's-- that's brilliant. "ooh, that's brilliant. "ooh, you're brilliant, tyson." that's great. thank you. okay. "ooh, that's great." well, um, we'll see you monday, then. all right, thanks, tyson. bye-bye. bye. bye. that was tyson. oh, was it? mm. he's given us a couple of days off. he's taking his daughter to paris. paris, eh? all right for some. she's got cystic fibrosis. all right, sorry. ( shouting ) next door's at it again. god, those poor kids. they've gone to stay with her mother. i thought barbara had kicked him out. i think... she's taken him back again. big mistake. not necessarily. there are always two sides to every story. he was screwing his p.a. and his boss at the same time!

what, literally at the same time? jake, just-- i knew there was something dodgy about him, just to look at him. what, you knew just by looking at him that he was gonna-- yeah, creepy. just, you need antennae. and you have those, do you? yeah. i mean, let's be honest. women have miles better antennae than men. well, barbara's weren't too hot, were they? where'd she get those, argos? well, obviously not all-- or maybe her antenna was broken. replaced it with a coat hanger. ( shouting continues ) ( phone ringing ) are you okay? yeah, i'm okay. hi, jo. so, karen's finally started her project, has she? yeah. how much of it has she done? oh, you know... quite a bit. she, uh, wrote the word "africa." oh, here we go. everybody does it. i mean, helena's mum obviously did her clouded leopard project for her. i mean, helena can barely hold a pencil, let alone construct a scale model of the karakorum mountains.

so, was that jo? mm. so, you're still friends, then? that's good. yeah, why wouldn't we be? no reason. no. so, what did she want? she just wanted me to say that she was round here if her dad rings. w-well, where is she? you didn't ask? didn't sound like i want to know. duh. but you know you shouldn't lie-- if i know it, then there's no need for you to tell me. well, how do we play that one? that-- do we phone her dad, or... oh, god knows. oh, this is a complicated age, isn't it? i'm programmed to kiss sore knees and push swings. i feel like i need retraining. are you sure you're okay? ( sighs ) at the hospital, they wrote down everything ben told them, including the fact that i wanted to shoot your boss because he fancies you. well, i haven't spoken to him about tyson.

well, where's he getting it, then? he's obviously picking up on the fact that you're jealous. maybe he's picking up on the fact that you-- i like tyson, yes, i've said that, but he thinks that you want to shoot him, so who is he getting the weird signal from? but-- but-- why are you talking about tyson again? what do you mean, again? don't you know what again means? it means, like, the time before. you're always talking about him. see? especially you. how can you not like somebody you've never met? good point, karen. yes, you should definitely hate people you know. ye-- oh. like miss braebrook. but you love miss braebrook! she's the reason you're christian. not anymore. that's all rubbish. i think rubbish is a bit harsh. i don't believe in god anymore. i'm a satanist. i-i think you-- that's an atheist. satanists... do things to goats. i don't care. it's not good to be a christian, because you have to pray for an hour,

then you have to get up, have some milk, and sleep for three hours-- i don't think there's anything about drinking milk, is there? there is something about drinking milk! i've been a christian! you can't-- you can't-- see, the thing is, you can't just describe things as rubbish, because you have to treat everybody's views, whatever they believe, with equal respect. what, even idiots? well... even people who want to stab you in the eye with a pencil? even people who want to blow up-- come on, now. look, you should be in bed. off you go. something's obviously happened with miss braebrook. perhaps-- ( shouting continues ) oh, god, they're off again. martin: okay, i did sleep with them, but it didn't mean anything! "okay, i did sleep with them, but it didn't mean anything"? oh, dear. if that's the best he can do, we're in for a long night. ( thunder rumbling ) ( shouting continues )

ben: i can't sleep! they're making too much noise again next door! well, put a pillow on your head! actually, no. don't-- don't do that. jake: i'll put a pillow over his head. thank you, jake. now, everybody, go to sleep. i did turn the telly off, didn't i? ( mumbles ) i thought i did. i thought i did. ( mumbles ) one of us must've. no, i'll check it. it's no good. ( sighs ) ( water trickling ) karen, it's half past 11:00. what are you doing? writing a letter. who to? gordon brown. can i look? all right. well, that's not very nice, what you said about miss braebrook. well, she shouted at me for talking

when it wasn't even me that was talking. it was maisie that was talking. so i wrote her a note. was that note at all like this note? with the observations about her... weight? um, yes. but... she ignored it, which is very rude, so i'm writing a letter to gordon brown to tell him to fire her and put her in jail! ( siren wailing ) ( shouting continues ) ben, eavesdropping is wrong. come on, we've spoken about it. come on. but you eavesdrop on i'm a celebrity. yes, that's because it's on the telly, and you're allowed to eavesdrop people when they're being filmed by a camera. he was being filmed by a camera. what? she filmed him with a camera secretly. i heard him shout it just now. really? god, that is... none of our business. come on. the thing is, karen, i think miss braebrook made an honest mistake, and anyone can make an honest mistake, can't they? yes, but then they need to be punished.

punished? yes. but you can't just go round punishing people. that's revenge, isn't it? yes, but i made an honest mistake pushing ben down the stairs, and you punished me. yes, but i wasn't sure that was an honest mistake, really, karen. was it? yes, it was. an honest mistake. but that's just revenge, karen, and revenge isn't a good thing. well, it is a quite good thing because they'll know never to do it again. ( thunder rumbling ) what's a slapper? a, um... oh, we're gonna have to visit that one in the morning. but what is one? we'll talk about it if you remind me in the morning. is it a bit like a happy slapper? eh... yeah. that's it. night night. see? all the shouting's stopped. lightweights. loud, no stamina. yeah, but...

i mean, you certainly shouldn't keep lists of people who've upset you. have you been looking at my lists? no, i heard about them. who's on that, then? people like ben and mummy and jake. well, what have they done? and granddad. that's going to upset him, isn't it? yes. no, no, no. that is wrong, karen. you shouldn't keep a list of people you want to punish, and you shouldn't take revenge on people, because that is a bad th-- wh-- what are you doing? writing. "daddy"? yes. well, why have you put my name down there? no reason. just to practice spelling it. ( phone ringing ) hello? oh, hi. yeah. um, hang on.

she's, uh, she's here. i'll just hand you over. is it about dad? no, it's rosie from... work? hello? come on, you. come on. up you go. karen: ( resignedly ) all right, then. what are you doing down here? this is getting like piccadilly circus. you are meant to be asleep. just go upstairs. asleep? you got to be joking. what's wrong with this family? we probably need a psychiatrist on that one. will you-- no, no, no, no. come on. up you go. god, what's the point? i'll get no sleep, and i've got double maths tomorrow. yeah, well, i have an important meeting with the headmaster, so... and the phone never stops ringing! yes, well, at least jo's dad didn't phone up, checking up on her alibi, did he? jake? well, her dad phoned me on my mobile... a while back. yeah, but you didn't tell him that she was...? ( raggedly ) look, don't worry. she's home, safe and sound now, so, no problem, is there?

look, if you were a friend, she wouldn't use you like that. dad, she's not bloody using me! ( sighs ) look, jake, when i was young, there was a girl i really, really liked-- dad, every time you want to explain something to me, you just tell me some lame story of your childhood which is incomprehensible crap. yes-- jake! you won't bloody believe what jake's gone and done. are you all right? well... no, not really. you know rosie from work? she went back to the office. the landlord was there changing the locks. apparently, tyson's done a runner. he's left tons of unpaid bills. he-- he goes round, he sets up fake businesses, and then he rips people off for as much as he possibly can, and then he buggers off! oh. i'm sorry. oh, i feel so stupid. look... you had no way of knowing.

no, i suppose not. but you did. sorry? well, you kept looking him up on the internet. well, yeah, as i-- as i-- what else did you find out? well, nothing, you know, of any-- what else? he was once investigated by a consumer watchdog program, but he was never prosecuted. why didn't you warn me?! well, because if i had, you would've accused me of being jealous. don't be ridiculous! ridiculous? you would've accused me of being jealous, so i just decided i would stand back and-- and let me fall flat on my face so you could have a bloody good gloat! i'm not gloating. yes, you are. there's a little voice inside your head going, "whoo-hoo! i was right!" pete! you should have warned me! if you recall, i think i did say that he was probably too good to be true,

but, no, you decided to ignore that, because you want to listen to the little magic antennae that only women have! you pompous, supercilious... - i'm not pompous! - ...twat! - ( knocking on door ) hi, sweetheart. it's thundering. i know. can i go out in it? no. not at this time of night, no. i'll put my wellies on, and my mac, if you like. please? it's my favorite thing. ben, you can't go outside into a thunderstorm in the middle of the night. why? because thousands of years of experience have taught mankind that it's not a good idea to run around outside in thunderstorms. but lightning never strikes twice. it hasn't struck once. we've been through this, ben. that wasn't lightning. that was the mains. you pushed the toasting fork into the socket. now, come on. up you go. bedtime. up you go.

where were we? magic antenna. oh, yeah. you sanctimonious-- ( thunder rumbles, car alarm blares ) stupid tossers with their bloody stupid car alarms that only go off--! that's ours, isn't it! ( growls ) ( door opens ) ben: brilliant! how come he gets to go out and play in it? ben, go to sleep. ( car alarm chirps ) ( wood creaking ) ( shouting continues ) mm. ( shouting intensifies ) aw, i don't believe it! it's 20 past 3:00! i haven't slept a wink. well, neither have i. hey, it's not a competition. i didn't say it was. it's just that i've got that important meeting with the head in the morning.

i have important things to do, too! well, you haven't got any work to go to. oh, that is-- martin: bitch, shut up! ( thud, shattering ) bloody hell, what was that? i don't know. we can't just do nothing. what if they're asleep? asleep? after all that? do you know, it really would be better if it was you-- yeah, but what if he comes to the door? then it'd be better if it was you, because then you can talk to him man to man. oh, right. right. "hi, martin. how's the wife-beating go--?" shh! pete. do you know, statistically, men are more likely to be confrontational with other men, so-- please! ( doorbell rings ) that's why they use women bouncers in a lot of clubs now. it's because-- ( whispering ) hi, barbara. i'm so sorry, pete. we've been keeping you awake

with our caterwauling, haven't we? no, we were just wondering, is everything... okay? absolutely! oh! look! these came over the fence. i think they're karen's. yeah, sort of ben's rigged up a-- barbara, you-- you seem to have a bit of a scratch on your hand. oh, pete. you're not seriously gonna make me explain that, are you? barbara, shall we call the police? god, no, sue! we're working things out, just a little noisily, that's all. sorry, i've got to go. i've got some brownies in the oven. there's definitely something going on next door. i'd ring the police, but i just don't trust myself anymore. i mean, if i can't see through a lying bastard like tyson... come on. don't be so hard on yourself. he was obviously a very good con man. yeah, he was charming, he was funny, he was... exciting to be with.

you don't get excitement at home anymore? hey, where's this coming from? come on, be honest. do you get excited when i walk through the door? well, i'm usually... draining sprouts or... pete, come on. it's gotta be different after 17 years. not this different. you know, before kids, we just to bunk off. we used to have sex in the middle of the day. yeah, sometimes with each other. no, seriously, where has the excitement gone? well, there's still excitement. how much? what? what percentage is there of the original excitement that was there when we first met? oh, pete, you don't want me to put a figure on that, do you? yeah. really. please. 35%. it's less than that, isn't it? well-- no, you upped it

to make me feel better, and you still only got 35%! look, it is a well-known fact that you lose 10% of excitement per decade, plus 15% with every child, so that's the way it is. that's a tapir. oh? you're sticking a tapir into karen's rhino project. oh, sod it. i'll draw a horn on it. ( sighs ) i am so tired. oh, come on, let's see if we can get a bit of sleep. ( beeping ) what's that noise? our alarm clock. ooh! you can see why they call it the dangerous book for boys. eh? karen's just whacked ben with it. so, how do i look? you look like someone who is about to become the new head of history. yeah, let's hope all that ass licking and falsifying statistics pays off, eh? now, you're clear on the sort of things

you should say to the head? uh... syllabus synchronicity. child-centered excellence. 360 degree education. yeah, i'm not sure 360 degrees is enough. i was thinking of going for 420 degrees. exactly the sort of thing-- i know. i know. i know. no attempt at humor. episode one: the phantom menace. beginning. hah! kra! hah! rrw! boosh! hah! kra! obi wan kenobi has to... fight... a... gigantic nine-tailed scythe-tailed grasshopper! hah! and so, suzie, now we're going to give you the tummy you've always wanted. start the operation. so, you may feel a little bit of pain, but only a bit. because we're going to take all your fat out and put it in a bowl

in case anybody else wants to get fat. then we can put the fat in them. now. so, mum has no job. so, financially, dad, we need you not to muck this one up, don't we? so, no pressure, then. any calls from jo this morning? yeah. she asked me to cover for her tonight. oh, brilliant. and you said... no. you said no? i told her to get billy to do it. right, but basically you put your foot down! hey, well done, jakester, mate. thanks, fart face. don't call me fart face. well, don't call me jakester-mate, then. fart face. thwah! thwah! he chops off my hand.

now-- grah! phew! and now... ( panting ) episode two! right. come on, karen, you have to put your name on this project. can't you do that? no, you have to. it's your work. you-- karen, your-- you ha-- ( feet pounding on stairs ) okay. ( ben continues making sound effects ) ( school bell rings ) he's not the kind of boy we want in this school. he's got oppositional defiance disorder... and a pit bull. sorry, peter, now, you know amelia, our head of governors. she very much wants to meet you. hello. the car alarm goes off every time it rains, and i live in england, so-- no, don't put me on hold. ( doorbell ringing )

mrs. brockman? this is about tyson, isn't it? so, uh, if our aspiration is-- is a 360 degree education, then it's important to understand the past as well as the present. and we must never forget the future. absolutely. mark tells me you're responsible for this draft prospectus. yes, i am, yeah. how, uh... 93% exam pass rate across the whole school. how did you come up with this figure? well... 93% of our students have achieved an exam pass... of some sort... or its equivalent... at some point. but i notice year nine's results aren't included. no, um. well, we thought that, uh, year nine was a bit of an anomaly. an anomaly, well, that's one word for it. this whole prospectus is full of exaggeration,

falsification, and downright lying. yes, we're very disappointed, peter. but you said, "be flexible with the figures so as to achieve a positive outcome." within the parameters of complete transparency. no, you didn't say that. anyway, this will be redrafted, amelia. but obviously the buck stops with me, and needless to say, as senior education provider here, i accept full and complete responsibility... for peter's incompetence. hi. i'm back... in the middle of the afternoon like the mad, exciting bastard i really am. mr. brockman. i'm police constable smith. i'm investigating a case of domestic assault. domestic as--? oh, for god's sake, look, this is ridiculous!

he--he likes to be swung around by his ankles, only on this occasion i inadvertently happened to smash his head against-- no, no. no, no, no, no. no. pete. no. it's the assault next door. oh. yes, uh. of-- of course. well, we did wonder, didn't we, whether we should... call the police. is she badly hurt? she's fine... but he's in the hospital. cracked skull. she decked him with a frying pan. frying pan? sounds a bit tom and jerry, i know, but it's all too common, i'm afraid. never used to be that serious, but now everyone round here seems to have le creuset, so... well, here are our numbers, anyway. oh, thanks. you might be contacted. i'm not sure. um, who was this who got his head smashed against a... oh, that was my son. he was fine. it happens all the time. right.

"it happens all the time?" i'm sorry. i haven't slept. so, are you the new head of history, or... still stuck in the same job? possibly neither. look, i really don't want to talk about it. i've bunked off! i am rolling back the years to the time when we used to go to bed in the middle of the afternoon. so, let's go to bed. okay. y-you do just mean sleeping, don't you? oh, god, yeah.