karen: well, ben did it first. well, if ben stuck his head in the oven, would you do that? no, because if ben's head would be in the oven, there wouldn't be room for mine. karen! and besides, i couldn't possibly get my head in the oven without cutting my head off, and then i'd be dead, so i couldn't close the door. do you think you could stop being so cheeky? do you think you could stop asking stupid questions? do-- pete, can you talk to her? why me? because she listens to you. no, she doesn't. yes, she does. all right. karen. don't talk back to your mother. there, see? well, you didn't try very-- ( thumping; crash ) ben, what have you broken?

ben: karen did it! karen's down here. well... she did it earlier, and it's only just dropped off. sue: oh, god. right. if i get up there and find a huge mess when we're all trying to get out of the house... this is crap. today's contestants... so is that. oh, my god. that really is crap. good god almighty. what's the woman doing? why-- why is she staring at the contents of that bloke's toilet? that's dr. gillian mckeith, granddad. eh? that's what she does. she looks down people's toilets. oh, yeah, we had a bloke like that in the army. well, the good news is he's developing a real passion for medieval history... and the bad news is he's made a trebuchet with which he is launching tennis balls at the lamp. impressive. you look smart! i've got a bad feeling about this interview. i just don't think i'm his kind of person. well, tyson says that you can be any kind of person that you want to be.

tyson's an idiot. well, he's the best boss i ever had, and i think what he's trying to say is it's all about self-belief. mentally, i just don't think i'm ready. well, okay. come on. let's have a quick rehearsal. i'll be the, um, the headmaster, and you be you. come on. ah, pete, come in. sit down. not there. there. what are you doing? i'm just getting into it. oh, for... now, peter, give me three reason why i should appoint you as our new head of history. okay. one. i want the chance to create the next generation of winners. good. very good. total bollocks, but it's very good. number two, i have a passion for my subject, and, three, i'm very ambitious. that's good! just one tip, though. don't lean back away from him when you say it because it looks a big negative. i read it in that, uh, body language book. you don't want to believe everything you read in the toilet.

i wish that people would scrape their plates before they put them in the dishwasher, 'cause it's this stuff that means i have to call out nick the plumber and listen to him banging on about his villa in umbria and his... bloody olive grove. sue, you've got a dollop of, uh... ( car alarm blaring ) not again! that bloody alarm! a leaf's probably landed on the bonnet. bollocks! bollocks! bollocking bollocks! ( alarm stops ) hi, sue! kids: hello, sue! hello, sue! hi, barbara! hi, kids. how's things? good. all biked up, i see. yeah, martin and i just decided it was time to stop copping out and taking them to school in the car. so it's on your bikes! yeah, we're going to start doing that. really? great! yeah, we just have to get ben's bike out of the pond.

here's a good fact for you. did you know ants can survive in a microwave? right. because the waves are big, and the ant is small, so the waves go over the ant. and that means ants can survive in a microwave. really? yeah, but woodlice can't. right. oh, my god. ben! ben: it's science! it is not science. it is-- roasting insects! pete: ben, come here! you're a slag! "i am having my s-- my daughter's boyfriend's baby." pete: ben... no more experiments with the microwave. fine. are you gonna watch me play football this afternoon at school? yeah, as long as you don't embarrass me with all that diving again. well, it has been a while since you picked me up from school.

yeah, well, for a while it hasn't really been advisable. why? because all the kids at your school are scared of me, and we both know why that is, don't we? do we? ben, you told them that i'd killed a man. oh, yeah, sorry. um, that wasn't my fault. well, that's not-- that's 'cause ross was boasting about his dad, 'cause he says his dad's a champion at archery... ooh. and his dad eats really, really, really hot curries. so why-- so, i said that you'd strangled a man with your bare hands, and that shut him up. why would you-- but it's all right now, because mrs. pearson got up in assembly and explained that you weren't a murderer. you must've been very proud. have you really never killed anyone? not yet. and it'll be good practice for the sponsored cycle for bangladesh that we're all doing. that's a great idea. have a lovely day. yep. will do. bye! bye! kids: bye, sue.

right. was that barbara? yes, sweetheart. i like barbara. do you? that's nice. everybody likes barbara. she's lovely. always lovely and calm. yeah, lovely and calm. and i think she's a bit like a princess because she's so pretty, and her hair's always perfect. permanently perfect. why are there never any pens in this house? you've got some jam on your head. what? jam. on your head. oh, n-- karen, go and get your shoes on. ( clicks rapidly ) all right, jakester? yeah. are you all right? yeah, i was just, uh, checking some e-mails, see whether any needed action. so you weren't checking up on mum's new boss, again, then? yeah, well, it was... just a misunderstanding. i, uh, i was, you know, researching some unrelated topics on the computer,

and i just happened to stumble across some stuff about tyson, that's all. yeah, do you want another go at that? look, i-- you might've told me i had jam on my head. well, i-- i just spent the last couple of minutes talking to barbara looking like a... victoria sponge. did barbara point it out, then? nah, she'd be too nice to do that. yes, barbara's far too nice. why do none of the pens in this house ever write? okay. i'm outta here. we're all gonna be out for a while, so i need to write dad a note. i need to remind him not to get involved with any strangers coming to the door selling things. god knows what i'm gonna do with 13 pairs of oven gloves. look, sue, about your dad. i know. i know we're gonna have to make a decision. it's just... checking out those nursing homes. i mean, he's still pretty lively, isn't he? he could stay with us for a while yet, couldn't he?

well... i mean, our granddad lived with us when we were little. he had the same thing. they just didn't have a name for it then. but we managed. i don't know. this is really starting to get to me. ( scribbling ) i just feel so guilty. about what? oh, nothing, darling. it's about the jam on your forehead, isn't it? no. come on, get your shoes on and let's get ready to go to school. ( karen humming and slapping her feet ) i never hear her coming. no. neither do i. early reports seem to indicate that... jake: it's me! ( door slams ) sue: good day? jake: fine. hi, granddad, you all right? this is terrible. what is? there's been three train crashes, all of them in kent. no, granddad, that's rolling news. eh? news 24. it's when they show the same stories

over and over again, so there's really only been one train crash in kent, but you've seen it three times. oh. oh. thought it was a bit of a coincidence. when's daddy going to be home? i want to show him my picture. oh, that's nice. what is it? this is satan, this is jesus, and this is a zebra. and this is satan trying to persuade jesus to jump off the end-- edge of the cliff. well, that's lovely. who told you that story? miss braebrook. and-- and she says that, um, satan's everywhere, not just in hell hurting people. a-and miss braebrook teaches you r.e., does she? no, numeracy. well, uh, mcdonald's might be a viable sponsor

for our metal detector, and, um... yeah, and in design terms, they could maybe echo the golden arches. yes, absolutely. okay. yeah. bye. bye. peter. let me say first that i was very pleasantly surprised that you're putting yourself forward for this head of department post, because, to be perfectly up front with you, i wasn't sure you had enough self-belief to do this. i actually have quite high levels of self-belief. good. that's good. now, the last couple of years have been a bit of a learning curve for you, haven't they? we've talked about the dangers of using irony with parents, especially when they're making a complaint... and work for the daily mail. but that's all in the past,

and the past is the past. so, now, peter, i want you to give me nine good reasons why you should get this job. nine? yep. off you go, champ. that's just miss braebrook's opinion. it doesn't necessarily mean she's right. are you calling miss braebrook a liar? i'm just thinking... even most christians probably don't believe in a hell where people get hurt. they're the sort of people that will be going to hell. that's what miss braebrook says. i think you'll find satan's not real. but then if he wasn't alive, then how would people know how to draw him? no one's ever seen satan. i've never seen satan. he doesn't exist. miss braebrook has. she said that when she was just getting ready to bed, and she took her tablet and everything, satan appeared, and he was-- he was sitting on her wardrobe

looking down at her, and... do you think that you could point miss braebrook out to me in the playground tomorrow? and nine... i've worked at this school for quite a while now... so i know where everything is. okay. okay, thank you for that. now, peter, let me tell you what i'm looking for-- commitment, your commitment to our raft of rolling initiatives going forward. are you with me? ye-- absolutely. good. good. well, in that case, uh, you see, i've been busy evolving the new school prospectus, and i had asked mr. bentley to process these statistics for me, but i'm not sure he's presented the figures in the most positive, uh, formulation, so i was wondering whether you would like

to have a crack at it for me, as a way of demonstrating your commitment. uh, what exactly wasn't positive enough about mr. bentley's formulation? well, uh... ooh, it's just a little thing, but, for instance, in the exam results section, i'm not sure there's any point factoring in year nine. i think we're all aware that that particular year is something of a... an anomaly. an anomaly. yeah. actually, when you come to go through it all in detail, you may well find there are quite a few... anomalies that could do with... ironing out. right. sue: karen, what are you doing? karen: i'm having a wee! can you try not to pee like a boy again, please?

mum. yep? granddad's memory's just gonna keep getting worse, isn't it? i'm afraid so, yeah. do you think he'll get to a stage when he won't be able to remember who we are? nah. he'll always remember us. who could forget us? okay, put your dirty things in the laundry. i'm not listening to a word you say! oof. hello. can i write my christmas list? well, yeah, i suppose so. do you know, i'm been thinking. it might be a good idea not to ask father christmas for quite so many presents as last year. got heavy for the reindeer. well, then, how many can i have? oh, i don't know. four? four?! well, you know, baby jesus only got four,

didn't he-- the gold, the frankincense, the myrrh, and the little lamb? then can i have a little lan-- lamb? do you know, santa doesn't deliver livestock. they tend to panic in the chimneys. we've still got money trouble, then? what does money trouble have to do with santa bringing me my presents? yes, jake, how could that have anything to do with father christmas and the presents he brings? get a grip, mate. sue: hiya! good day? pete: no. i'm shattered. how was your interview? well, i'm definitely in with a chance, according to the head, because i am a team player. oh, but that's great, isn't it? how was work? oh, it was fun, yeah. tyson took us all out for a fancy lunch. spontaneously? yeah. that's nice. what's that? that is a draft school prospectus. the head's asked me to reformulate bits of it.

well, why you? because alistair campbell isn't available and goebbels is dead. well, hang on. ( heavy footsteps ) oh, hi. how was your game? ( cracks ) are you okay? ask him! the referee didn't show. they asked if a parent would volunteer. i, uh, stepped up to the plate, and, well, the match wasn't without its controversial moments. and to cut a long story short... he sent me off! yes, i did. that's right. he sent off his own son! well, i couldn't show him any favoritism. that would've weakened my authority. oh, pete. i'm sorry, sue, three times i warned him about diving. the third time, it would've made even reynaldo blush. he left me no wiggle room. my mates all think you're an idiot. yes, i know that. they expressed that opinion quite forcibly. mind you, they won't be doing that again in a hurry.

why not? 'cause he sent them off, too, all of them. you sent off the whole team? you can't give in to mass dissent, sue. that is the start of the slippery slope. it's nothing to do with slippery slopes! you were in a bad mood since the moment you arrived, you stupid pillock! you're stupid! stupid pillock! you see, that is the kind of thing i have to put up with. you sent off an entire team of eight-year-olds. they have to understand that actions have consequences. sent the goalie off twice. what, little ashley? for foul language and then threatening behavior. you see, they just copy what they see their favorite star doing on the television. i reckon ashley is probably a joey barton fan. anyway, i-- if anyone's going out, could they get me a bottle of mackeson's?

only i think i need the iron. uh, yeah, okay, frank. ( phone ringing ) hello. oh, hi, ashley. ben's upstairs. shall i-- oh, okay. wants to talk to you. ( clears throat ) hello, ashley. have you phoned to apologize? no, that is where you are wrong, actually, ashley. you can get two red cards in the same game. ( whispers ) pete! well, then, your dad knows the rules about as well as you do. pete. you may think i am a rubbish referee, ashley, but i personally don't think you're much cop as a goalkeeper. pete! am i? ( clears throat ) well, just for the record, ashley, i think you're a bit of a tosser, as well. pete! god. you cannot back down in the face of that stuff, sue. that is where neville chamberlain went wrong. he's not neville chamberlain; he's eight. he's not neville chamberlain in that analogy; he's fascism.

he's eight. you cannot let them get away with it. he's eight. he's eight. ashley is fascism. oh, hello. is that strictly come dancing? uh, we-- we would like to vote for anton and kerry, please. again, yes. thank you very much. thank you, brucie. that was brucie? yeah. he sends you his very best wishes. when you dialed it, you didn't press green, i don't think. no, i did, or i wouldn't have got brucie. no, you didn't. ben, don't put the saucepan in the dishwasher. it won't fit! bet i can make it fit! just take it out and wash it up nicely. i don't know why you're making such a fuss. barbara's children next door have a washing-up rota. yeah? is that right. and they do their own sewing. yeah, okay, i don't think comparisons are useful. how was this lunch of yours, then? did tyson take you in his sports car?

he's got a sports car, has he? it's a porsche 911 turbo. it's wicked. i've had a ride in it. well, tyson took him for a spin round the block when he dropped that stuff off the other day. i see. doesn't sound really safe, does it? our son being whizzed around in a sports car by a stranger. well, it's got seatbelts, and tyson's not a stranger. no. you've known him for all of two weeks. ben: that car's cool. tyson's cool. why can't you be cool, dad? daddy is cool. no, he isn't. yes, he is. he fixed my scooter! that's not cool. cool is when you can go to the arcade while people think you're at school because you put a dummy in there-- no, cool means those cars that have seats in the boot so that you can look out-- you're talking rubbish. well, you're not cool. you've got hair like a girl. aah! sue: all right! ( whining )

all right! all right! congratulations, ben, because you've now done such a bad job, i am almost certainly never gonna ask you to do it again, which is probably part of your evil master plan. can i watch telly? yes. but you'll have to negotiate with granddad. can we watch something? ah, in a minute, when i finish watching this. whoo! karen: what is this? uh, it's about the '60s. the beatles! oh, yeah, the beatles. who's your favorite beatle, d'you think? ringo starr. why? he's called ringo starr! karen: who are they? they're the hippies. ( disgustedly ) hippies. oh, that's horrible! hippies being shot. ( laughing ) yes! it's horrible! a hippy's being shot. 'cause he tried to stop the war and he got shot. what a stupid hippy, running off to an army man, saying, "stop being in the war, you idiot." i am 1,000 years old. karen: no, you're not!

i knew all the great people in history. okay, wh-- fine. karen: what were all the names of king henry the eighth's wifes? frank: yeah, there was a couple of catherines. bertha big-bottom. ( laughing ) queen fatty knickers. ( laughing ) queen bonkers and queen derek. that was funny. big henry, yeah, i knew him. ben: and the way you said it was funny. ben only has odd socks. i swear, he must eat one of every pair just to wind me up. there you go. thank you. listen, about your dad. i've been thinking. if you want him to stay here with us, then that is fine. i'll go with whatever you decide. oh, no! don't say that. why? because i've only just convinced myself that you were right. but you got me thinking with that stuff about your granddad living with you, and...

people did that. i know, but he's going to need constant supervision. he's going to need a proper routine. well, we can't both be right. that would destroy the universe. ( door opens ) oh, get a room. actually, this is a room that has a door that was closed. yeah, i didn't realize it was your love nest. it's not a love-- where's djibouti? well, why are you asking us? is the internet down again? yeah, but where is it? south of france. south america. it's a country, it's not a city. a region of france. no, it isn't in france. it's not in south america, is it? brilliant. how come i get lumbered with the thick parents? ( door slams ) look, we don't need to panic about your dad. we don't need to make a decision now. well, i think we have, haven't we? come on. are you sure? no, but let's do it before i chicken out.

dad, you know ashley's dad, who you were so rude about to ashley on the phone? i wasn't rude about him. i was honest. well, he's a paratrooper. right. yeah. no, he is. yeah, he's just come back from fighting the taliban. yeah, but i'll be all right, because thanks to you, he probably thinks i'm a killer. no, i told ashley you worked in a cake shop. a cake shop? yeah. why on earth? don't get involved. karen, do you think it's time you ought to be starting bath and bedtime? but i'm watching strictly come dancing, which-- which i missed last saturday when you said, "let's go to the museum." karen! but granddad was--! mummy and i need to have a quick word with granddad about grown-up stuff, so come on, up you go. is it about how to make a baby? no. up you go. 'cause i can tell you that.

yes, we know that. you told us yesterday. in fact, you told most of sainsbury's. she reminds me of you when you were that age. listen, frank, we need to talk to you about your, uh, accommodation. accommodation? you see, dad, the thing is, is you have certain needs and requirements, and you will continue to have certain needs and requirements, and increasingly, as time goes by... the thing is, frank, we're not sure that this house really best meets those requirements, and we were wondering whether possibly... a residential home of some sort might be better suited to them.

you're saying i should go into a home? on balance, frank, yeah. oh, thank god! i've been worried so much about how i was gonna break it to you. i can't live here. there's too much noise and confusion. i don't know how you two stand it, to be honest. mind you, don't get me wrong, your kids are lovely, lovely and sweet, good in very short bursts. it's just that i can't handle them on a permanent basis, that's all. no, no, you-- you-- you find me a nice home. well, sue's already found one that's quite nice. perhaps we could take you to look at it. is it full of rich, sex-starved old women? oh... honestly. you're a terror. exclusively. ( chuckles ) ( doorbell ringing )

are you sure that you're all right with this, frank? you're not saying this just to let us off the hook? nah, don't be silly. it's for the best. right. oh, barbara! are you all right? yeah! i'm fine. just having one of those days. well, do you want to come in? no, i'm fine. you know the spare key you've got to our place? yes. well, could you replace it with this one? i've had to have the locks changed. oh, right. okay. oh, and, um, if i'm not in and martin calls asking to borrow the spare, um, could you not give it to him? just tell him i didn't give you one. all right.

thanks. yes! he was playing his vampire bat game. his vampire bat game? choom! you have to treat everybody's views with equal respect. what, even idiots? aah! bkkk! barbara, shall we call the police? god, no, sue! aah! yes, we're very disappointed, peter. they said you were fine. i have bruises and a pattern of unexplained injuries. mrs. brockman?