he chang my cebook status toben ed last tuesday," d i dn't. looki dot care who starteit. hocan u not care who stard it u're history teacher. yes,ut-- history isabou who started it. wellthat's-- i've dided don't want to ba veanymore, i want to be aastraut. girls can't be astrauts. what?! i thk they can, ben. , th can't, ause they can't throw. i thk they can, ben. whwould an astronaut ed tknow how to throw?can't, well, what if there's giant alien jellyfish tack anyw, gis can throw. terestingly, there evince that the way the femeshoulder ih does make itiffilt for girls to tow aall hard. ow! at s a hard throw. karen!w! and so's that! karen, i've toldou bore, no throwing frt atad! jake, cod yocheck whether thmilkn's been yet, please? why me? causyou drink most oit. well, i'm drdful sorry to inconvenice y.

i'll just ave me, shall i? ay. get the mi on your way out. be here's one. the are loads of aliens ming towards you, ha a jelin? why uld an astrot for the spe olpics. ( rls laughs ) what if one givebirtto a baby, and then the babsbouncing, ttinall the important tton like the force field, anthenhen the captain es or to turn on the ckuporce field, herips over the little cd whicm and the baby together? anthenhen the captain where's he got to th that milk?field, hiya. mum:any me this month woulbe gat. oh, ght. milk wh if the ship was beg atcked by all these b metrites, d all the women uld doing is sitting in t toilet, crying, gog, waahhh!

at's bit of an unfair ereope. no, it's not we, a ereotype is when soone s the wrong idea aut pple. foinstance, someone y fe that women are al siy-girly-girls who uniortant things, wheas, in fact, ere e a lot of strong who complely pve that stereotype ong. d'yosee? have you gotny bon? like, for stan, why did you dire at question to me and not yourathe because you're nee. righ well... ( doorbell rgs ) never fear, i'm not. i just wanted to g. oh? it abo the speed bumps. is, indeed.

it's just lett from the hospita instructio abo my colonoscopy. that's aoboty. oh. mi lyo said ben could witone of those. they've nnedem...sadly. sohat are you having ok, i'm-- where they film ur iides. film your side hmm. but your insides e inour insides, how can they film the with a camera. inour sides? yes. with a camera. are you sure u'veot this right? we hen'teally quite decidewhate-- ov theishes of local resents anothequeson. are you in fav people dying

becae ambulances are ing peded in their pgres no, i'm not in forof people dyi, i'm against that, 's jt-- i'll shoyou some statistics. let me just... yes, but how does th camera e yournsides? well... it's a speci tincamera yes, but how es it get inside ! well, they--theyut i- it'sot funny, ben.tom?! it is! who'gonnwork the camera? is there gonnae so tiny, tiny midgedoct that has to up your bottom, too? no, karen. is there gonnae so tiny, tinthe's midget. wille be able to wat it ve on telly? you won't be able towatcit live. is that 'cause it's sky and we don't have sk that is--ohh! no, there is no conoscopy channel...yet.

what if you do o of ur massive, giganc dafarts ohh, god! whilit's in you, stop it now, y two what happens i mething goes wrong... .and you can't geit o of there? stuck? furthermore, the evation of the sed bps is tlve centimeters, ich patently absurd. th's bause of the new lits a the top of palmersn gre. i d warn them. anyway, let me showou se more-- acally, now's not a eat me. wee goa-- understood. saturday morng cos. bad timing. i shall leave yoalon thanks. and come back is ening. could be lik bibrother. yeah. "day 4 andaddy's tummy is fl ofarrots."

if you're ddleged and you have tmy tuble-- will the cera be searching r caer? ben, shut !it's okay, . it's fine, he can a tha cancer. cancercanc, cancer. the is a difference betwnnot bet it's not funnyben. jade's dad's got canr-- it's oka jak looki amonfident that i've t go- there are millions oftomach-related ailment itill turn out to bone them, believe me prablyurn out to do withy nees or something. n: w would your nervebe b? it's harto wk out, isn't it? pudownhe carving fork. just looki at the shape of it. poin, if you used this as javelin, you'd ablto impale two alns aonce, ben-- as lg ashey're standingext each other

now put it ay-- and they're prettyhin and they're standi sti. y are boys so aggssiv why do you see evethin as a weapon? because boys can thr, and girl. ys a brilliant! kare shuup! ow! she's throwing frt again, mum! ogling frank and jn's daughter kelly. oh, yeah? e onwith the legs? the one wi e honors degree fr oxfd. ohyeah. honely, the boys' attitude twome 's mieval. besees women solely astaf jake snds s whole time watchi theussycat dolls with a faclikehis. well, he's a boy he's thirteen. ( kids shouting ) oh, d. what on earth goi on in here?! ju stoit! ben, no hiing! mum: there is no ne to ght! ben:heres, actually. when we men were cemen we used to fighttheravemen

so they didn't ste r pet brontosauruses. and b) that is utr ruish. u never see your dadstting ? no'cau he'd lose. mum rig. real men don'figh that's right. ey're man enough conol themselves. exactly. syou o just cool it. ok, waing up's done, and ll s you about one. wait a mute, what do you mean"s ? where are you going? th is a bit of a visl cl. , yore not playing teis. yes, i am. you're not playing nnishis morning, you'ren ki patrol. noi'm playing tennis i've done the washinup. but i've got a cofe moing with jilly a suznah. yeah, but... i'playing tennis. nce en? what do yomeansince when? this ia lostanding arrangemen no, , no. it's not othe lendar, d yoknow the rule, if is noon the calendar, itoesn officially exist. th's the rule. yeah, knowbut-- it's not a fly sctioned, bona fide mmitnt.

ye and that's-- and at'she rule, it's notn thcalendar. s- but isis the calendar. whe?! where? ere! "p-ton." "p-ten it's short for teis. how am i spose to decode that? i haven't got annigmmachine. hy should you be appntice?" ecau i am a winner! on'tven know the meing the word loser! "and i've never,ver, ever failed at anying ecau i am a winner! on'tven know the my entire life!"oser! now,ho'sext? he's a panda and shs de!" e ru is it has to be othe lendar and written in sometng resembling english. earl p-ten stands f pettennis.

becaustherisn't room, the x isoo small, and ha of is taken up withhe relation thatt is national weavi day in canada. oh, i see. so this allbout my calendar-bung slls? r my name'm sayi is, and thwordtennis." yeahbecae most of the box tak up with the words "sue, coffee morng." is that what that ys? how am i suppose to decipher that scra? that's perfectly legle. you t yo tennis there thisorni, didn't you? i did not. i put tha on the calendar st..uesday. well, i don't rememb seeing it. just becau youidn't see it doest me it doesn't exist. am good at everything "i don'tare! nd fwers give me hay ver! "youe fid! nd you two, you' jusa pair of clowns! you're fed!" all i'sayi is, as commitmen go,

a nnisatch trumps a coee mning, surely. how do you workhat e out? yore lting down two. t, , fo- also if i don't rn u the boys can't hava mah, whereas if you dot tu up, i n't lieve this. also, i really nd . i have had an extremel ressful week at work. you'vehad stressful week wor! i'veeen working on te-sas-- but you had a night ou thursday, didn't you? that was pentsvening! i spent hoursittg around waiting toe to that it's eat at ben's so keen theztecs but has to stop carving se to the desks. ye but this tennis court ispecifically booked r th morning, wheas ur coffee morning uld rescheduled. okinthese courts-- theye li gold dust. soou'rsaying that your soal le if more importanthanine. noi'm t-- i'm not sayi tha

yes, you are. yore sayt fo menlaying tennis is morimpoant than three wom ving a coffee morning. well, it i what? a ffee morning isn'compitive, it's not likwho n drink the frothit coees. but tennis is men fighng for victory. and that's more impoant. we, i n't know where he g thafrom. can't we get somne i to look after them five minutes' notice? what about old what's-r-na? the old lady up e ro. jo?! she won't do it! her ctors told her shemustt do it again. oh, yeah. thers on one way to resolvehis. her ctors told her wee gonna have to to fort. all right.mustt do it again. tails, i get my coffeeorni, heads, you getour nnis. ay. okay? it's best ouof tee. what?! best out of the.it. it's always st o of three. what's this oke'name? nce.e just moved in opsiterankie, so frankie rop himn last minute. why d bob pull out?

what a pillock! ye... double-booked himself wi his wife on kids patr. what a pilck. lae: oy, ready? ce! out! abo that much. fifteen-ve. ren: hi, dad! hiya! sorry! rry, everyone. i'm sorry, pete, t melanie just called d her car's broken dow so i'm gonna have take jake, plus dean, us luke, to football. soou'vgotta look afterhesewo. can't someone se? i've tried everybody. nest. gotta go, 'cause le andean will be at o pla. but i'm meant to be aying tennis! w do keep them entertned? i broughtoysor them. ben! told you not toringhis! they'll be fine! th is t a practical arraemen they can he a ttle game on onef the spare courts,

how am supsed to-- , she's good. ght,ids, here we go. i've got se spare rackets . thks, . rick. you knowrank, don't you? anthat's lance. "lce"?hat is so cool, i ntedo call myself "smita" but dad said thereoulde too much paperrk. da youust play a nice ge the, see how long u cakeep that up. are ready? fifteen-love. karen, what aryou ing? ll, en professional nnisomen play tennis, every time thehit e ball they yell aah! and thenhey t down and eat a nana well, venus llia might, but it'sery stracting, so if u ca- why dotheyake that noise? not ke a rock or somhingade of osmium, the heaviest malknown to ma.

are we gonna ay tnis or not? yeahsorr fifteen-love. this isbori. look, do se dring or something i've got an id.ben, whyb our ball boy? you ow, like at wimbdon. okay! d karen, you can beur uire. don'think that's a veryood ea. is that the ewho's in charge? e tes to get a bit-- at's right, you' theef. u sht, "foul!" okay! wait! ay. look, boys. chk the out.

mum: soy abt that, boys, i had to drop off beand ren. did you see the? ( chuckles ) morng, mrs. brockman. hi, ys. out! out?! ye. well, what does r umre say? i shall have to nsulhawkeye. whoooooo! in! no, sweeeart it wasn't. we, yeah, it was, beuse bounced here. and don't ca me sweetheart. thumpi's word is finallanc look, i'm telling uit w. u're a bad loser! and u'reoo competitive! d: it really doesn't mter. let's play a let but i'm the umpire! kan--- i get to choos at we do. book him whoa! whoa.. ben, what are you doin

a mexican wave. oa.. you can't do a mecan wave with jusone rson. yes, you canyou st have to keep runng rnd the court. be dot. actually, i think e ba probably was in, lce. yes, you canyou st have to keep runng rnd the court. rty-thirty to you. thanks f theift, mrs. brockma no, ve gotta go playootbl. this won't take mome. jake, doou kw what the objectifatioof women is? foreign lm? no, its not a foreigfilm it whea woman is seen ju as object or commodity... by men. for inance if a pretty girl wks b and someone says,"didou see tho" ther than "did youee h?" i sabbreviating.

what you know, i said "thos as opposed to "tho gir." girls. ir ogirls. ch le you would say... "wat outor those cars." i thk you might have cfuseme with a gullible iot. mine! yes! s! game to-- out! what?! thatas out. d that's a point toaddy team. oh, fo- and another pon to daddy's team r balanguage. i didn't swear! you re going to. ah, u were gonna say-- ben! she can't dock pnts like that. justgnorher. i'm threfee! karen! n't argue with me. you' already been booked. again, i tught that probably did lo out e ba was miles off. at bke's blind! ben!

deuce its, tn. gis ke to be admired. they like to be adred,es, t as a person, not a sual object. doesritney spears wa tha look, jake, all i'sayi is, i dot want you growing up in the kind of man who lks to a woman witht loing at their face. yoaresuch a hypocrit a whattar sign are you? pisc. 's pbably just a bad dafor sces. mind you, daddy'playg rubbish, and he's canr. an wgot on with it, plea? s. sry. advaage . set point. i not a hypocrite! yes,ou are. i'veeard the way you anyourriends have been lkinabout that new buder ross the street. well-- hodid you hear that? all giggling ancracking jokes aboutt.

yeah, well, at w melanie, that wast me and coue, when you were rang h arse out of ten, you were reecng--asdrop? and b) it was differen cause.... he didn't kn were looking at him. and b) it was differen that's not the poi!the - cause.... thpoin is, i'm late. see u later. it landed... here. e? we. but saw it, and it wasood. why belie he believe me becau my eyes are good, cause i'm young. and your eyes are mo smaller and a bit wrinier, karen-- and you cat se because you're qte d. this is bloo joke!

racket abument twpoints to daddy's team one for raet asement, and anotr foswearing. is is ridiculous. thers obviously something ing on here. i've h fouperfectly good pois caed out. yeah, by-- how doou elain that? maybe it'sometng to do with youstarign. karen-- are you a pisces or a you a cancer...? wh?! let's just plaa le you can fir serve. ben: why do ey ne a star sign afr a sease, like "cancer you mind? 's oy a word. there's nothg to be afraid of. ben- i an, i'm just saying it thank you. canc! cancer! cancercanc! cancer! oh, comen.this is out or eh he's obviously pling nd games. he's nine he knows what h. like her. shsees what she wants to se that's rich.

you calling a cat? , yeah. i am llinyou a cheat. nce,t's all right. lee it oh yeah, come. rick. i'm ady. rick. lance. rick- ( shouting, grunng ) get off me! lance! ck! ( shouting, grting ck! jesus! ha hha hha ha ha ha ha ha karen: i thinthe rld is unfair toomen solutely. i think u'reight. because women catgrow musta. do you want to ow aeard? well, i mit wa to be a tugboatapta or a..

an ayallah well, you'd make a ry gd ayatollah. but men can do things m can. women can have bies. yes, but'd rher have a mustae than, and you can't do that th a baby. aaaaah! ow! be ve told you not to re tt in the house! don't shoot things at pple! can i gr a brd when i'm older, i'sureou can grow a beard.it'e ackbrd used to put firerks it, and caerinwheels, why did heave- and the sparklers d thmatches and 'll be like... ( exosionoises )... the'd be an element danr in that. i thk that might raise a f health & safety issues if you h really long beard ke bckbeard, it be really cool beuse u could put littlenima in there, so wnever you had an emy wking up to you, a little ferret woulpop out of d anbite him. and then igoesthwuk!

tv:brinon the wall! ( owd eering ) ring on the wall"? likehis. nessa feltz being t by real wall, thatoulde entertainment. it'sot every day you get tt stuck in a rlly tight lycra coume. so it's entertnmen dad, just face i at? people who can'tevenork oute ey he to be to get through larghole in the wall? and the p isnly 50 centimeterside, then it's ju, yoknow, physics, i't i they're not gonna fit roug i'm t acpting that that is ysic jake. maybe it's not physi. i couldnf at to call it. 'cause you watch tomany programs like thi oh bri on the wall. brinon..arly death. whatlse is on? dad, d't cnge it-- ( changechanl ) what's that? dr. who. that. it's the "making ofdr. o." same thing

or yououldave a chameleon whh los like part of youreards well. or you cou hava scorpion, and it scuttleout and goes like thatand en it goe. so y would fill your beard wi attack animals? don'put at in your gun, 'cause that's a ngers missile. at happens if your hai ows really, really lon ke down to your feet, and it srts tacking you and corollg you? sigh) what is wronwith "making of" progra, da because tevisi is like a pork pie fanttic, but you don't wan know what goes in the buyou just-- i'm gonnsee what else is on. ( changes channe)why do you alws angehe channel when something gd co on? ohh, spooks. that's a good ow awell. it's not reastic r on a train. kare i drawed somepiures of . rit.

theye of you playing nnis lovely. and this is th man biting your friend'snee, onlyhat'not actually whate sa. , i know. he actuly id-- what's tt upn the sky? at's a dragon. he's comin arrest all of you.righ m: ce on, karen, timeor b. all right, all rht. don't bang on. i wasn't... nginon. "real men n't ght... they're man enou to control themselves. i didn't fight,i wa restraining. n says you gave this bkea c. thatas a.. accidental collion.. whe was restraining em.

thatas a.. that's pathetic. . accidental collion.. wh are you watching? , it's simon cowell beg ru to a mentally ill rson ohrigh i tried having a wor with jake about his attitude wardwomen, and i'm-- i'm so depressed theay everybody just aomatally ( doorbell rings ) slotthemselves intohesestupid sexual sreotes. ck apromised. ve aually got a copy ofhat e council laughablcallheir "traffic calng pgram." wod you like me to ta youhrough it? that gonna be too technica r my girly brain. it for you, darling!

karen: you're... ...slimy, disgusting cat sick! oh, you cheeky beasts. ben: you're a big, slimy, oven glove! you're germs from a fly! i've never been so insulted. your hair! you're all stinky brain juice from a diseased cave troll. you are a dead warthog's burp.