sue: s i td darrin's mum, isten, your son is threyears older than karen and clearly he's been tang advantage of herpling , and i thinthate should give tho car back to her. shsaidt ha to ve the cards back causit was a swapsieso-rend. but i said, h, ah, now, aren said that she d caed time out," and she id tt karen hadn't lked e time out. mean, how ridiculo is at? nce when do you havetoock t i know! i know. 's madness. were reenaing the running of the blsat pamplo. and quite a lot e girls got trampled, di't they? it was oya pretend trample. we didn't actulystep on them. a letter about it. orh

'causee we like, and we we chging with our horns well, diyou help them up? no, ausee're bulls. you dot ha hands. so, i said, "youboy' got to give those rds back to karen." and she said "her her dead body." so, said, "that can berrand." she said, "technally she could go to e poce, beuse at was a form ofssau." yeah. yeah. , ben, just write e no saying sorry, like mrs. baong id. and i'll me17 photocopi. sue: unclean? she? ke that stupid mk of mum ems pretty fired upat t mom. yeah. i haven't seen h this angry since she loed at that e on gooe eah... d spotted ben onhe rf. yeah, well-- it youfault mummy's cros for getting drunk an kissing another woman whh wa't mummy. can weust op the-- and you broke your weing promises.

d i'm pretty sure e ofhem was not ssin other women. we, kiing wasn't specifilly- e vicar's going be rious. wellno, t yet. wellyou don't know who e vir was. can nd out. karen, you've t toet ready for your ccert off you go. ther happy now? i mean, am sorry, okay?" followed by ts o exclamation mark is not the most acio of apologies. t it's good. you' goto learn that you are responsib for your own actions. but am i? well...y, yoare. most of at im i get from my ges, rht? whicis you. anthe rest of what i i get from mynvironment, which is you , whichever way yolookt it, everything i do isown you. nothat's not-- includg al the naughty bits. he's got a poi the.

, ja, he has not got a int ere. karen: is daddy coming my concert? nodaddy's got to stahere because he didn't ornize a babysitter ke hpromised. i'm 13. weon'teed a babysitter well, legall youo. you're supsed have a grown-up wh yo or, failg th, your father. lo, su.. obviouy i ow that i'm to blam i just think it's portt for the children that wcan solve our disputesn a- in a cmand measured way. what? d you... fay he you ow wt it's like when y're at drunk. your bodwave your brain good-by anyourody is a lot less ssy than your brain. yeah, probab i spose i did fancy he but, tn, iancied every woman tharoom. you ncieevery woman in theoom?

no. no, that at came out wrong. wh--what i meant to s u tosser, pete. ...a you allowed to bak pmises if you'rdrun well, i n't- for instce, could maisy's dadsa, "i'm sorry cam within a mile ofmai, but d ha a lot of beer." no, no, i don't thkhe could. no. was the fit ti you kissed mummy-- no, no, i don't thkhe could. no. re you drunk? yes. yes, i was. t no- i was drunk e fit time i kissed he but en..ater, i wasn't dru at l, but, the that might happen withhe other person at you kissed. no, becae th really was a miste, ken. that's-- then evethin could've been a stak . ben: what's this?

it's the news,en. what'shat? it's about singea levels. se that's why we shodn'tove. it's breal cool, 'cause then,ike, in 15 20 ars' time, we have a riverside oper, and i'd be able toitin my bedroh and d be able to get sff o like like barracudasand ranhas and s. i'm just tryin to watch this. and i'd tmuch longer hair and really long, scragg bea. ani'd lk to a pineapple. whs th man wearing a dres it's not dre, and it's the pop 's his robe. because the pe wrs barbed wire pant and kills ybodwho knows that jes hadhildren. th wasust a film, thatou wen't supposed toatchnyway. herivearound in big blaclimoines and he knows kg fu and en tre's the pope's reay,really cool mat, who are, le,albino monks, and they are aassi. when you're drk, do you se?

no. yeah, well, he'sa caoon elephan. lookyou' still not ready foyouroncert. off you go. ( sighs ) he wearsarbewire pants, and heills i'sure he actually esn' yes, he does. can e he's wearing the otrwise, why would hehavehat exn on h fac dot betupid. it's the prime . um...angela somee orther. who's that woman th t black thing over h hea that's the burkha, ben she wears 'cause she's a muslim. do boys we 'em 'causeou cld, like, text und the- i'm t listening, ben. no o's ltening, ben. d yocould watch starars episodes on a portable d pler, and the teache uldn't notice. and you could be onhe ltop. i'd ve a burkha. ( changechanls ) ohh, god it'sust special kind of ss-- a french kiss. i'm ner gog to france if thedo tt there.

no, hebvioly just likes her ite bit. the ly rson i came in hereasto watch the tv. well, th is what's on tv. ifyodon't- 'cse you're gay-- awa we've got 100 ch--i'm not gay! ja: ifou don't want to tch , ( indistinct argng ) list, sue-- ay. let's st dp it, just answer mehis-we? i thought we wer dropping it. en you were snoggingthatoman, at we you thinking? i' told you-- i wadrun no, i mean literallywhatere you? i think th is bit of a blind aey. you? i don't. i happ to ink it's a very imptantlley. ile you were playingtong hockey with a wanwho was, at best, passg acquaintance, what exactly were y feeng? i don't know. i suppei . flattered? u kn, flattered that s wand me. well, you st'vbeen giving off a snal. now, tt isotal-- heo, darling. all right? well, actuallyno.

i'm rvou about the concert. oh, don't be nvous sweetheart. yoll bfine. i ha playing the triang because i' gothis note at the en d itoes "di-i-ing" all my n. and that's a big sponbility.never e. yeah, well, yoll ball right. ando you know why? because you are star so, go get rea, st. go on. goodirl. i was not givi a signal, okay? i s drk. i was-- was unk. i've seen you do pallg things when youe drk. that not relevant. i ve seen you flasyourreasts at a minib full of nuns. oh, not that ain. i was on medication. ve seen you try to rideighland cattle, po into a canal. i waa stent. heckle sphenawking. yes,ut y've never seen me get off th seone else, have you

i was not getting of with her-- do you knowhateally hacks me offpete when a man hacomen to me and i've tught all thosoppounities that i've t pa because i take marage seriously. ye. he of a lot. more times tni can remember. fac only last week, the man fr thearage made a pass me. what man at the rage costa? he's gay. yeah, well, you didn e the look he gave me when he ked if i wanted a fulserve. oh, is iridiculous. and then there's yo mate clive. clive? a pa at yee atour 40th birthday. i wi i h followed him intohe sd now. ( footsts ) well--

n: h anyone got anytng iould use as a gralingook? oh, . his bear grylls game do not want him alinthe north face theedroom cupboard ain. co on, karen!ot want him we're nna late! north face god, she onlsent me a bloody eil. peteben!ot the bear gryllgame ubje: the rules of spsie.. pa one of four?" pe: ben! well, that fst o's rubbish for a art. silly bitch. ben!an y hear me? 1,0-pie? uh-- and then you neverd well, hehoul't keep disappointg yo darling, but at least y hav't had 20 yedoor slams ) be avanche! ( umpi and clatter ) god. ( poce sen blaring )

this makes me the rst man wiout ygen, or even a jumper. wh are you watching? why have you gotths? 's michael mcintyre. it's michael mcintyre. justaiti for the news to co on. ( telephone ringing where's that--whe-- i te tse phones. they're ke nads. th're just-- hell oh,i. 's yr mate clive, dad. oh, yes. my mate cliv dot you want to speato h, then? should i tell him nono. don'u'll call him back? well, shall i tellim y? yeah. tell himi'm the shed.

yeah, soy. hs busy at he's, um-- he's in the shed. alrigh then. ( car alarblarg ) oh, bloo thi. ( blaring ) ( dog rkin) ( alarchir, blaring stops ) blaring ops alm chirps, ( blaring and as i have no saw, i have no other choi than to bite off my frostbien ts. h! o! heh heh!hat'fun.

( blaring ) ( kicks, bringtops ) theryou are. look, da at w mum on the phone d she says you've t toeep calm. keep cal she said, "tell dad hem evething's gonna be oy, w do i need to keepalm? karen's been knk. ohmy god. it's oka serusly. because she's in e hoital, and you ch d she's not allowed e inhe hpital. bushe says everythi's oy. don't worry, stayalm,nd she'll give ua ri-- yeah, but she's be--she's been-- shsaidhe main thing was stacalm. ah, get that bit, jake i'm sorry, jake. didn mean to snap. mum sa kar's okay, and she wouldn ve said that if it sn'true. ah, t-- don't worry.

at'soing on? it'sum-- it's ken. e's had a bit ofn acdent. she's goneown to the hospital? yes. yeah e same hospital that i ways get taken to? ah. thone th the nurse who says shod have a loyalty rd? ye you did put the haset back on the cradle, di't you? yes, dad. but you'vegot, and i' getou a cup of tea. ( sighs ) so, ren's definitely ok, th? yeah, that's at m says. although it l a bit vague at t momt. have you got athin we can use as a de cam? only i neesomeing to use as a de cam, so can hollow out itinsis, where its guts ud toe, from the fezincold winds of the dert ght. ( doorbe rin ) not now, ben, ease jake: i'll get i was snow loosened theorning sun. it was furniture loosed by you

with a lonpiecof-- ( indiincthatter ) hello, it's me-- abt t. yeah. you could call back-- tl uld u like to have a lo at artist's impressi of what these nstrities would actual loolike? not really, no. ght.kay. um, so, can asse your support? i'm not entirely ear as to your ext potion. ah, yes. we, leme see. i would y, u having been hitby apeeding car-- yodon'actually know that. i would say, on lanc , that my exact potion is that, in orr to slow down all the, u shrivel-cockedjere clarkson wan-

who seem to feel that anspeed restriction isn abuse of their bac hun right to driveike pillock, woulbe in favor of spe bum. d-- i'd also be in favorfrocket-pro. and, as a further trfic-calming measure, dad-- targeted to disappea upheir stupid, complant ltle arses! there. thaentirely clear? thank you ry mh for dropping by. sue. ohhiyawhat are you doing re? waiting at hom s getting to me. how ishe? she's fine. shs in there. they'rgonn send her home soon it's just a fesmal cuts and bruises and they'rgivi her a tetanus ja oh, no.no, e forbad. oh.

yeah, i'm fine. o's looking aftethe ys? kelly. sowhat-- else what happene i an, what speed was e cadoing? ohi don't know. 20. e second she was my de. the clhe ibang on. everything goes to sw motion. d yojust stand there,elpls, and e wot thing is knowinit w my fault. it wasn't your fault it was. it wastupi i got distracted was-- you werehat? i s aring with darrin' m... about the swapsies thg.

don'we, ? 's aot steeper than it oks. when you tnk aut how many cartwheshe did... till hittinghat eep slowed him dow and thenhereas that time that ben decided topendhe day being a rat, and i failed note him chewing throh the wires. he fw rit across the room. he quite enjoyedhat. ye. kelly: okay,oys, what should we watch any movies on? let's have aook. kelly, can i ask youa estio? , you can't, ben. u shld've been in bed as ag that sometimes,whenen and women, they put theirongu in each other's mohs?

verymmature. he, lly,ou know when you'rewaitssinp where you're waiess in, well, wh somody is rude to your th annoy you, you gob in their food ( chuckles ) yway, ben... kellye's doing her ph.d.msh. that right i'm doing a ph.d. in pchology, yeah. what psychology? is it e sty of psychos? well, we study... evybody. including pshos? um, yeah. so, who's the stpsycho psycho you' ever studied? well, cannibal rial killers n't really my area of eertise. i specialize in cld pchology. w they think? yeah. but you can't llfor sure at ty're thinking. meanfor instance... yocan'tell what i'm thiing right now, can you

but i could kean educated guess based on ththings you say. and yod bemazed how easily y canell what someone'shinkg from their bodlangge, especially theands gasps ) drag me hel , noit's a 15. you n't watch that, cayou,en? nobut neither can jake. 's 13. i thoughyou id you were 16. no. said i'd be ... eventually. justn a ar or-- or three. and then there wathe me do you rembethat? yeah. yeahthatoast guard was veryumorss, wasn't he? all that stuffbout the cost of helicoers. what'm saying is, n't rry yourself about e acdent,

eerslove. d, aa psychologist, uld you steal my memor so the gorillathght it, and then he turned u at my school and made miss hallay te another month f scol because of h ners? could you dohat? could you implant memy to a gorilla? . i think you're cousinme with a mad scieist. will anybody ever able to do that? and bivalent concept. i mean, does memyreally exist? rsonly, i think it's jt a oryeah, i think thata. we tell oursels. okay, re'snother question forou. rsonly, i think it's jt a orno, it's way pastyo. we tell oursels. st one! y isade om o genes and our enronmt, then are wreal to blame for what do?

well, that's a brillntquestion,e and our enronmt, quite a few neoscitists arstarting to questionwhetr theg asree will. and if that's true, people can't really amed for their actions so, aryou re you don't want yr mu toome and sit with you? m sure. shs being really annong athe moment, ying, "oh, karen, i'm sorry. oh, i ble mylf." it'soingy head in. sie daddy kissed thatomann the lips. right. do you kno my brother ben? com to this hospital lot does he have curlhair yes. maged to get a sproutstucup eac? yep,hat's him. this jab is stto protect you against a nastlitt germ called tetan. will it hurt?

just tiny little bit. d nofor long. and not for long.bit, yeah. just a tiny litt bit and not for long. are you okay? ye i'm just trying to rember exay at y said. right. kelly is a psycholist studying psychology. so, she does not kw whh betweea vaire and a gorillwho inks it's a schoooy. no, it oka let me think. um, so, the golla o thinks he's a scolbo rsus vampire. yeah. and does theoril have anyone else th h? dinour who has the mi of pig. ( laug ) rlly? a dinosaur wit e mind of a pig? what i-okay, that's enough. it wayast your bedtime i can't go to be why not? i'm worried abtmy little si. i'm very aious look at my body ngua. thats pathetic. you' obvusly not worried out r. yes, i am! ok, ok!

ben, jake'righ you need to go tbed so i don't get in trble. e fil question. but- please? all right, the can you wrtle? a brave littleirl like you. how do you kwi'm br? ll, u got knocked downy a r and you didn't makea fu about i. tually, i did. i ream. we, i think that youe bre. but yohaveo way of knowing th i'mrave. yeah, all rit,fair enough. no, this will hurt litt bit. foreyou said it wouldurt a tiny littleit. dii? wl, a tiny bit. yes,his ll hurt a tiny bit but whatf yosay that it willurt a tiny bit, d it hurts a lot? whatill happen then? sorry, what doou mn? youay it will hurt a ty bi anit hts a lot, whdo ialk to? whdo y talk to? yes, y mushave a system.

because it's allgointo be fine. buthe man on wahdog says, "alws colain to the mostenioofficial and ke a wtten log of your coersaon." does he? weon'teed to worry about y ofhat because th wil all be fine. all rht? weon'teed to worry about y ofhat okay. "just a tiny lite bi and not for long ( grunti andcreaming ) laughing ) ( grting continues ) the winner of ra in a cage is me! wh! whoo! yep, y win now it's jake's turn at? jake tur to wrestle kelly noi'm not wrestling lly. ye, i ink that's enoughrestng. me o wrestle her. no. ut u ben. does kelly sca you no, kelldoesot scare me. jak scared of kelly ♪no! yes, you a!shut up, be! boys! i'm t gog to wrestle! why n't you wrestle? t's st calm down. for gos sa, ben, i do not wanto ks kelly!

i saidwrese". right. okieokie well, um... it's getting late. rhaps you should th b um... heading to bed yeah, i thinthat probably best. ( car alarblarg ) is that our car arm? yep. listen, sue. am rlly-- fr theottom of my heart- deeply, deeply, sierely sorry... abt the kiss. what kiss? ( sighs ) ank you.

something like thi happens, you realize th the things that you thgt st don't matter. it's just o drks having a kiss. happs evy second, all ov theorld, and coun forothing against a feti together, does i hmm? no, that's-- that rig. but do it again, and ll rip your balls off. dersod. , the she is. hang on, i'dette check all your arm d legs. was she all right wi the injection? e wafine. e's a very confidentlit? yes. yesshe . very intereste in the law. i know. sorrabouthat. wh i g home, i want to my 1,000-piece sahara jigsawuzzl like you and me it together. okay. en s did the injectio it felt bruisey.

s. y. at's supposed to hpen. if you'lexcu me. bye-by kar. bye. all ght, missy. home iis. thatas aig adventure. still, i'm glad ttle girl's okay. ah. me on. kan: ddy, you know the n whknocked me over? ah? s helbanian? no, ren, he wasn't albanian. how long wilhe b going to jail fo 's n gonna go to jai darng. , nobut, mummy, you mu nev do that.