from los angeles, i am tavis smiley. phnom tonight a conversation with oscar-nominated actor ryan o'neal and now you're your he wrote a memoir detailing his relationship with farrah fawcett. we are glad you joined us. a conversation with ryan o'neal is coming of right now a. luther king boulevard. know. it's not just a street or boulevard, but a place where walmart stands together with your community to make every day better. pbs station from viewers like you. thank you.

tavis: pleased to welcome ryan o'neal. the author has written a personal book about his longtime relationship with actress farrah fawcett. is called "both of us: my life with farrah." the obvious question is why. why a book, why so personal? >> i do not know why did its. i kept all these journals, so the story was close, and it was a way to stay close to her. i was not done with her yet. i thought we were interrupted,

so i was looking for ways to stay connected. it >> just ways to stay connected, or was the book therapeutic? >> it has not been therapeutic, because i have been on a tour trying to sell it, and i have had rough interviews with people wanting to know what kind of father i was and why my children are all of it did. ed.are all addictiv it was rough. has it been therapeutic? not yet. tavis: i am not going to talk about that now since you just expressed how tired you were of those questions, but what you make of the media fascination with the fact that is hollywood family does have such travail

with drug addiction? is that a legitimate question? does it make you uncomfortable? >> yes, it makes me uncomfortable. i do not know how to answer it. they look for the downside of a man rather than anything of quality, and it is hard to explain my children. they are not children anymore. they are adults, and they veer and into their own world commo there is only so much i can do about that your good >> do you think -- i can do about that. tavis: do you think your relationship with farrah gotten away of you being a father? >> i was preoccupied with her, to say the least, and my voice

adored her. not my daughter. new -- my boys adored her.not my daughter. eventually, i gave up trying and lost her. tavis: if time does nothing else it allows us to see things in the rearview mirror we could not see a close. are there any reflections you and why you not alw lost her over this other woman? >> she is a woman. i have never been able to figure them out. i would have loved it to be different. get it was not. tavis: i am curious as to how of father navigates feeling like or

having the media throw up in your face when you have not been such a good father. we are weeks away from father's day. that? you navigate fas >> not very well. they dominate you in the media. did you do not know what they want to ask, and i do not have answers. tavis: beyond the meteor, how have you navigated that personally? >> gone into hiding, because it .s safer purit tavis: does that help? do?t does hiding zer

.> nothing pyridi tavis: what i am trying to get at is how you come to terms with that. >> i have not. >> that is a fair question. tavis: are you ok with that? >> i have to be. tavis: you do not have to be ok with that. >> i have to quit trying. tavis: that answer strikes me as strange. if it is an honest answer i can accept that. you recall the first time you laid eyes on farrah fawcett?

i remember the first time i saw her. >> i saw her when she and her boyfriend came to my house for a birthday party i was having for my ex-wife, and i had my back surgically fused, so i was wearing a brace, and lee and farrah came into my house and i was trying to change my clothes because of race was -- because the brace was uncomfortable, and he had a new girlfriend. she was lovely. she was about 20 years old, and i did not see her for many years, and lee and i went to his house to play racquetball, and

she met us in the driveway, and she smiled, and it was heavenly. the heavens opened. she was beautiful. she had become a great beauty and was so warm and caring and was just wonderful, and we sat around and drank a little bit, and i could see their marriage was over, and they talk about it being over, and that triggered something in me. tavis: you talk in the book about the difficulty of these boat tours. -- book tours. you hear over dinner that their marriages basically over.

what gives you the right to move in on that? >> i do not have a right. good he was leaving to go to canada to make a few, and he said, take her to dinner. she is lonely. i said really? he said, i can always see tatum , which i found a strange thing to say, but i did not call her. i felt uncomfortable. i thought it was presumptions. cooder,ome music gianby ry and he was playing. she had commented about how interesting he was in the music,

so i called and asked if she would like to see him, and she said okay. we never separated from that moment on. we never left these others aside for 18 years. tavis: beyond your being handsome and her being stunning to look at, i love the cover of so anyone who sees the two of you together can see the extent it -- the affected duty -- the aesthetic beauty. beyond her looks what is it that attracted you to her? >> it did not hurt. i was mesmerized by her beauty because there was an inner beauty that was even more powerful than her looks, which

were just natural. she was just a natural. her mother was part indian, so andre was a touch of fathat, we found ways to get over that and have relationships. we did not load get ourselves as two -- did not look at ourselves as two beauties. tavis: beyond the beauty, what is the heart? >> you have to find ways to keep it exciting, and she had never really thought about acting. she had been moved by agents and in charlie's angels and she came to life on that show, but when i met her she was thinking she would like to try to be a more

serious actress, not count on her looks or hair, but to do parts were none of those things are applied, and i thought that was a terrific idea, so i was able to encourage her to find roles where she is a victim and has to pull herself up emotionally. i noticed she could read the scene and no a scene after reading it once, no the dialogue. that is pretty good. once you have the words you can try all kinds of different things. we were a team, and i really admired what she did. it strengthened my love of her. tavis: the flip side is there was a part where you felt

little -- was not envy, but a little jealousy or envy that your career have stalled and hers was still moving. >> i did not mind the part when hers was still moving, but mine has stalled, and that was troubling for me, and i suppose she felt that, tried to help me, but nothing is perfect. our love was imperfect but close. good >> the reason i want to talk to you, you can turn on any tv station. the reason i want to talk to you is because out of the interviews i saw i could not come to terms with what motivates you when you get up, and i ask because you said earlier you have been and

in perfect father. you were in an imperfect relationship with farrah fawcett. i am trying to figure out what motivates brian o'neill. >> is depressing. i am curious about what motivates you. >> i have a nice dog. i brought my dog. i do not have answers like that. i wish i did. tavis: when you wake up every morning, what are you here for? >> i wake up and look at the beach, and it is beautiful, but i have seen the for 40 years. i do not have any clue as to what drives me. tavis: how old are you? >> 71. tavis: at what point do you think you might be more

introspective and? >> soon. i have to go and have a treatment for my cancer, a very painful one, so i am trying to stay alive, but why i am not sure. tavis: how does one lose his beloved to cancer and have to battle cancer himself? but sneered and confusing. -- it was weird and confusing. we have different cancers. mine is treatable. i have a skin cancer as well. i want to know what those odds are, but that is a trifecta. tavis: that says something about you that you could be battling

three different answers -- cancers, but you are still here. i will take you up on that. if you have survived the parental challenges, if you have survived losing your beloved, clearly there is something left for you to do. >> it is what state has in store -- what fate has in store. i stay alive hoping i can prove myself, continually try to prove myself. tavis: how did you get into acting? how did this start? >> i was living in germany with

my parents. my father was a writer, and the producer of a series of live in a building, and my mother wrote a letter and sign my name, and it was a series about the vikings. i am 6 feet and blond and could use a job, so he sent me to the studio, and i got in a job as a stand in, so that is where it started. i did sword fights and falls and things like that. >> how did hollywood work out for euayou. >> i was trying to do stunts, but i was getting her to. -- getting hurt. lee was a good athlete.

we used to play robert blake's team. an interesting man. i have known him for a long time. i thought maybe i should try acting. it looks easier than sentunts. they use to set me on fire and threw me off the sides of viking ships. tavis: you really have survived. how did farrah fawcett change your relationship with lee? >> it ended. other restaurant he said does a bottle of wine. he is a good guy.

tavis: how many years had passed before about bottle of wine? >> two. it was my turn. he had his. tavis: that sounds flippant. >> i am flippant. that is one of my charms. tavis: i know there are countless people watching this program who have had to endure losing a loved one to cancer, and i do not know if there is anything more excruciating than watching someone go through that process except going through the process. how you put into words what that process was like? >> for a while we pretended it was not happening.

we did not talk in terms of the end. she was a survivor. it was in the cards that she would survive this, and there was a sudden realization that maybe she would not. the interesting thing for me was that i got closer to her because of her ways -- her poise was so magnificent. it was eating away. it was terribly painful, yet she was cavalier, so it would not affect us.

she never wanted to see us down, so she tried to pretend everything would be ok, and i look at this and thought, she is a hero in my eyes. it is like you discovered something new about her, something enriching, and she was slipping through my fingers, and i had done this in the movies. of losinged the part his woman to cancer. do not do it. that is all i can save. tavis: i feel the pain of you having to relive that moment in this conversation.

watching howanw courageous she was has made you more courageous, or has it scared to you more? >> i am not afraid, because the worst but will happen is i will join her, if her mother is not around. the is part of the deal, and we have a son, a troubled son, and i have to be there for him. he cannot lose us both right now, and that is what i thrived as his father and mother, everything he needs to pass this awful disease, and i will.

tavis: i want you to know it took you almost 30 minutes, but you answered that question. >> it was slow. i am irish. tavis: before our time runs out, what do you make of the strangeness of farrah fawcett and michael jackson on the same day? >> i knew michael. i thought he was a wonderful boy. he was a magnificent kid, and i love when he would come over. he came over all the time. they would talk on the phone for hours, and i would ask what it was like, and i thought he was a

champion, and for him to go like that, i just thought it was a dirty trick, because when you watch his documentary and know that they were injecting him to put him to sleep, but you would not see that in the documentary footage. you saw a man full of life and full of talent, and they all came up to a level for him. is bizarre. you know farrah was a funny woman. i asked about her once.

she said, that this because it hides me. i cannot see people looking at me. i think she was relieved when michael took the play away and she could slide in quietly. i am sure that is what she thought. tavis: the new book by ryan o'neal is called "both of us: my life with farrah." i know these conversations can be painful. thank you. i appreciate it. >> thank you. >> keep the faith. >> for more information on today's show, visit tavis smiley at pbs.org. tavis: hi, i'm tavis smiley. join me next time for a conversation with will allen plus dev patel.

that is next time. we will see you then. >> every community has a martin luther king boulevard. it's the cornerstone we all know. it's not just a street or boulevard, but a place where walmart stands together with your community to make every day better. >> and by contributions to your pbs station from viewers like you. thank you. >> be more. pbs. >> be more. pbs.