( electronic toy trilling ) ( children giggling ) ( heavy footfalls ) it's 6:25! how come they actually wake up early on the weekend? ( running footsteps approach ) uh-oh. daddy? ( feigns snoring ) karen: i think they're asleep. ben: i think they're awake. aaaahhhh! ohh! jesus! you lunatic! don't say "jesus"! well, don't use my-- me-- as a trampoline. no, no, ben. go to your own bed. go on. you can't lie in bed all morning. it's 25 past six! can't you go downstairs and play a game or something? i'm hungry. well, go and get breakfast. okay, i'll make some omelets. no! no!

why? the last time you made omelets, you left the kitchen floor like a sort of... eggie skating rink. well, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. no, that is true, but-- just don't make omelets, right? dad is gonna cook you something when he gets up. okay. i'll finish my experiment. oh, i don't like the sound of that. daddy, why did your friend jonty die? well... he, uh... he had a heart attack, sweetheart. did he know it was going to happen? well, no. i expect it was a bit of a surprise. did his heart explode? well, kind of... but not really, no. did blood come out of his mouth? did he go... rrraaaaaggghhh? did he go like... ( ghastly gasping ) ( thud ) who wants to watch telly? me! both: yay! ( loud, running footfalls ) well, maybe we should be getting up. eh? well, it seems daft, just lying around here.

does it? seems very sensible to me. yeah, but we should try and live every minute of every day. right. well... i'm gonna live these few minutes... with my eyes closed. ( indistinct television announcer ) ben: why does granddad get the big tv? 'cause he's the guest. when's he leaving? when they repair the fire damage to his kitchen. how did he set fire to his kitchen? well, he was heating some beans in the microwave, but he forgot to take them out of the tin. and then he went outside to tidy his shed, and he realized that someone's house was on fire. and when he ran back inside to call the fire brigade, he realized it was his. there you go. eggie bread. "thank you." i wanted omelet. i asked you a minute ago if you wanted eggie bread,

and you said yes. didn't he? cheese. cheese what? cheese omelet. i am not doing omelets! god, the manners in this house! shh! i'm trying to listen! right. that is it. i am turning the tv off. what? why? it's going off. no more telly for the rest of the day. ( loud complaints ) dad: no. i'm sorry. i don't care. that's enough. sorry. no more telly for the rest of the day. but it's educational! it is not educational. but i want to watch spongebob squarepants. no, i'm sorry. it's not gonna happen. no more tv. but spongebob's educational because it tells you how to make crabby patties, and it tells you what's going on in the sea. there are lots of programs for under the sea. watch my chops teaches you...! ( laughing ) about what? what is watch my chops? i'm glad you find all this so amusing, ben, because actually i don't. it teaches you about, um, how to look after a talking dog. no, it's not-- it's not--

studies show tv stimulates the brain. no, it doesn't, or we wouldn't all be watching it with this face. come on. there must be better things we can do with our lives. ( loud complaining ) let them watch the end of it. nice one, mum! have you got the paper? thank you for your support. well, at least stop texting during breakfast. why? because you're always texting. did you not listen during our family discussion about saving money? this is a free text. on my tariff, i get 10 free texts a month. yeah, but if you don't send this text, then you get another free text later. then you pay for one text less. yes, but i have to send at least 100 texts to get the 10 free ones. oops! caught me in my nightie. oops! just saving the planet. the kids insist. you know what they're like. what are you up to today? oh, you know, just... vegging.

oh, lucky you. martin and i have to take the kids on this charity walk, and then, on the cycle back, we've got to pick up a friend so they can be a proper string quartet. then we've got to finish making our puppet theater, and i've promised they can watch the sound of music tonight. we let them watch tv on sundays, as a special treat. we ban all tv on a sunday. really? mmm. yeah, so we can do things together. you know, as a family. oh, that's a brilliant-- cheerio! bye. hang on, hang on. look. if you only sent, say, 80 texts, and you didn't get the 10 free ones, that would still be cheaper than sending 110. yes, but i've already sent a hundred, so it'd be really dumb not to use the 10 free ones. it'd be like burning money. no, no, you have already burnt the money. what you're talking about is getting some money as a reward for burning money. what the hell are you on about? i'm trying to expl-- right. no more television today. mum! mum!

your father is right. is he? mum, what do you think you're doing? some families actually do things together on a sunday. hey! no, no, no. that includes all computers and games. we are not going to be screen slaves today. yeah. we'll make our own entertainment. like what? karen: it's gonna be boring. we'll play a board game. we don't want to play any board games. yeah, board games are for babies. i want to watch the tv! all right. if you don't want to do that, you can all do your homework. come on, everyone. go upstairs, get dressed. we'll meet back here for game-playing. by the way, i don't have to do any homework. why? because the headmaster said that i look a bit peaky, and maybe i should take a few days off. i think that has to be the worst lie i have ever heard you tell. no, that was "karen's easter egg got eaten by aliens."

no, this is better, just for sheer audacity. i'm not lying this time. not that i lie a lot, but i'm not lying this time. mum: ben, can you go and get dressed, please? dad: "next door's dog drew those words on my wall." ben: nah, the alien definitely tops that one. dad: or "the goldfish broke the vase"? that was a classic. i got the ace, so i should start. buyou cheated...! ( indistinct arguing ) we only cut the cards to see who was gonna go first. granddad: karen should go first, 'cause she's a girl. dad: come on, then, karen. mum: okay, you start, karen. and no cheating, ben. what are we gonna do with granddad when we go on holiday? um, he's staying here. but he burnt his house down. yeah, but he's lived there many years, and he's only done it once. once last week, yeah. yesterday, he told me the same story three times. you know, the one with the shrapnel and the maxims. granddad's on some really strong painkillers at the moment because of his burnt hand, but when he's off those painkillers, he's gonna be back to his sharp self, isn't he? karen: when we go on holiday, um, can i take all my cuddlies and cats?

karen, granddad isn't gonna burn the house down! but i don't want my toys in a big, gooey pile, all melted up. listen, granddad, he's just next door. he might be able to hear. but he's deaf. he's not that deaf. ( loudly ) granddad, you're an idiot! dad: ben! ben, please! he is deaf! ben, he is sitting there! what if he heard you? um, jo's outside. jo texted you to say that she was outside? there's this wonderful new invention. it's called the doorbell. shut up, dad. hi, jo! jo: hi, sue. ( footfalls ) karen: it's your go. they're going straight up to his room! they're 12. ( yelling ) it's your go! okay! actually, it's ben's-- oh, for--! ben, come on. you know the rule today.

i'm not watching the tv. granddad is. i just happen to be here. granddad seems to be watching jackass. ben's just showing me something. it's just a lot of idiots getting hurt, frank. well, so is what granddad was watching. that was a documentary about the somme, ben! it's exactly the same. just a lot of pictures of people getting hurt. the somme was a battle, a real battle. real people. not-- it wasn't like this. well, this is real as well. they are real crocodiles, dad. you can't compare them, ben. the people who gave their lives at the somme weren't doing it just to get on television. how do you know? because they didn't have television. why is there a documentary on it if the television wasn't invented then? look, come on, leave your granddad in peace. come on, get out! ( indistinct shouting on television ) i'll turn it back for you, frank. no, no, no, leave it. this bloke's just put scorpions in his jock strap.

shouldn't really be doing this. i've got screen ban. oh, the whole "computer rots your brain" thing. my parents went through that. who's avatar number one? that's my mum. who's number two? that's her toy boy. shall we give them triplets? yeah. two white and one black. ( knock at door ) computer. hello. just thought you might like some biscuits. not for me. i'm watching my weight. so... what are you two up to this morning, then? just chilling. chillin'. all right, then. well, happy chilling... and i'll just... i'll just be...

( indistinct shouting on television ) jake and jo were acting really weird when i went up earlier. you're sure you weren't weird? they're only... twelve. i know. do you think it's time that you had the father-son talk with jake? it's a bit early, isn't it? i mean... ooh. what? i keep getting this sort of chest pain. it's probably just indigestion, isn't it? yeah, everybody our age has chest pain. well, that's what they said to jonty. actually, that's what i said to jonty. i just think that the dad-son talk is a really important part of growing up. yeah, well, i never had one. well, yes, and... go on. i just think you should talk to him. you'll do it really well. oh, okay. ( granddad laughing, coughing ) you all right, dad? this fella has just stuffed a rocket up his backside

and lit it! ( laughing ) bloody idiot. dad: on your marks, get set, go. you find it in australia, and it jumps. a kangaroo. yes, um... i don't know what that is. i don't know what that is. it flies, and it has the word "dragon" in... that's cheating. no, that's fine. you're not allowed to say any words in it. um, it's a type of dog that looks a bit like a cloud. it's puffy. a poodle. yes, um... his name is bob and he's a builder. oh. ( chuckles ) bob the builder! yes! time's up! um, let...! time! time, time, time, time! mum: and... begin. um, something smelly, covers a baby's bottom... and their private bits. dad: nappy. correct. "their private bits"? aah! tarzan. correct. you're cheating. you can't do that! it is a word game, after all. what mummy cooks our dinner in.

microwave. correct. i do not! i home cook, take great care over your--! and the time's up! an elaborate... time's up! okay! stop it, karen. it's just for fun. fun. ( arguing continues ) fun. come on. ( arguing continues ) stop. let's just play nicely. come on, because it's-- we're having a really nice time. dad: come on. person who does this a lot. prime minister. gordon brown. bit more enthusiasm. just read 'em a bit faster... he used to be black, and played with children. ben: michael jackson! yeah. "he used to be black and played with children"? what, like hoopla and...? fat gold guy. goldfinger. david dickinson. he's like a god. who is he? buddha. the divine inspiration for hundreds of millions of people-- "fat gold guy." he's a liar. tony blair. his nose gets big. tony blair. rock, paper, scissors. velociraptor! come on! ben, can you just please...? it's paper, it's rock, or it's scissors. that's it.

three things in the repertoire-- rock, paper, scissors. ...paper, scissors. nuclear bomb! right. karen wins. no! please, both of you, stop. okay, shall we play something else? so, what's this game you want to play? it's called dinosaur-teddy-robot. dad: what do we do? mum: what are the rules? well... robot kills dinosaur, dinosaur kills teddy, and teddy kills robot, because the dinosaur can eat the teddy, the teddy can deactivate the robot, and the robot can laser the dinosaur. sounds so complicated. but it's good. good, mind. you hide them under the table, and then we say, "teddy, robot, dino," and then you lift up either a teddy, a dinosaur, or a robot. quite an exciting game, isn't it? okay, dinosaur, teddy, robot! um... zambia? is the right answer. well done, jake.

can i be the question-asker? please, please? mum: go ahead. how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? it's a stupid question! it doesn't even have any answer. ben: yes, it does! it's seven! no, it isn't! yes, it is! no, it isn't! why don't we... why don't we take them up the park with their bikes? oh, must we? come on! family sunday. next door do it. they do it all the time! that's their kids, isn't it? who always say thank you, and play musical instruments we've never heard of, and don't eat insects. we can't compete with that. well, who's competing? i'm not competing. i know that. you think i'm competing. no, of course not, because it would be pointless. pointless? you think it would be pointless for me to compete with barbara. no, i'm not saying-- i'm not saying you couldn't compete. i'm saying that the act of competing would be pointless, because she is...

let's take the kids up the park, but not on bikes this time. i'm not having ben take out another old lady. okay, kids, we're going up the park. woodchucks can't even chuck wood. then why are they called woodchucks? ben, woodchucks are the same as groundhogs. you know, like the film groundhog day? you've seen that, haven't you? seen it? i think i'm in it. come on. can you get the wellies? dad: come on, you lot. right, dad. do you fancy getting dressed and coming to the park with us? no. okay. ( electronic toy trilling ) oh! write my mobile number down here, and i'll put the phone right next to you, okay? it's just here, okay? why? where are you going? we're going to the park, dad. ( groans softly ) when did you last take your painkillers? i'm not sure. well, i can work it out. where are they? um... ah. well, you haven't taken one today, dad. you haven't taken one for the last four days.

oh, haven't i? well, it's not a problem. you can take one now. no. i don't really like them. they can make you feel a bit confused. right. can i take this? ben, for the last time, you cannot take my hedge trimmer up the park! the british sunday afternoon up the park-- get soaking wet and get your shoes covered in dog... mum: dad, we're back! come on, karen, don't lag behind! shoes off at the door! ow! off, please. mum: karen, come on! leave the puddle alone! ben: can we watch tv? mum: no! karen: boring! so, jake... you're 12 now, and i thought that now might be as good a time as any to have, um... have a little chat about certain...

physical changes... no! no, dad, don't do this! you don't even know what i'm gonna say. yes, i do. well, what? look, we've covered it all in school. well, fair enough. anyway, i had a long chat with granddad about it. granddad? what did he say? he just gave me loads of advice. what kind of advice? he said always look at the mothers. why? 'cause women often end up looking like their mothers. he said he wished he'd taken a better look at grand's mum. did he? anyway, he, um, was probably thinking of the longer term. in the shorter term, you might find yourself developing, um, feelings, um... dad, i'm-- i'm 12, you know. what is it with your generation, you old people? you're always obsessed with drugs and sex. all i'm trying to do is set you on the right path. i won't be having sex till i'm 14, 15,

hopefully. well, i'm not sure that's a very good-- you know, there are-- there are legal issues, and there are... stds? yes. but there are other things you need to think about, like unwanted... pregnancy? ...pregnancy, yeah. anyway, i know about it, dad. just... don't go on about it. okay. cool. what? it's cool. why go on about it? you can't say "cool," dad, at your age. i can't say "cool"? yeah, you're too old. what, me, a member of the generation that first used the word "cool," is no longer allowed to say "cool"? yeah, there's, like, a limit where you stop saying words like that. when you get to your age, you can say words like "bingo," not "cool." "bingo"? i'm not a fighter pilot from the second world war. so what sort of words am i allowed to use? "zounds"? "forsooth"? hang on. i think the riddle man is at the door!

i'm not old! you're closer to old than-- by what measure am i old? by the measure of age. statistically, i'm not even halfway through my life. dad, how many 92-year-olds do you know? yeah, look, we seem to have gone off on a bit of a tangent, here. i don't know what's going on inside your tiny brain, dad. oh. got a man in nigeria who's had some financial good fortune. another one from the government, apologizing for losing more of my personal details. what you looking at? um... just having a bit of a sort. can i have a look? oh. it's my mum, on her 60th birthday. do you remember? it's not a great photo. it's not great, no. come and look at this, from ben's headmaster. ( electronic toy trilling ) "ben has been looking a little peaky, "and it might be a good idea if he took a couple of days off school."

so he was telling the truth. why would the headmaster suggest that our son take... hang on. it's ofsted next week, isn't it? oh, bloody cheek! they're trying to keep ben away from the ofsted inspectors! oh, that is not right. no! understandable, but morally... pete, it is wrong! how can you defend that? when we were ofsteded... the headmaster sent 4j on a trip to the isle of wight. poor ben. he's always the scapegoat. do you remember when the inspectors came to the nursery, and he got blamed for all that? well, he peed on the inspector's shoes. she asked him what he'd learnt today, and he'd just learnt to wee on his own, and he was really proud of it. anyway, i'm not having him home tomorrow. it'd be murder. i'll just pretend i didn't get the e-mail. ( loud thumping ) what is he doing up there? you worry too much about that boy. when i was his age, i was off on me own, cycling to margate. he's only 7. donkeys on the beach,

girls in their summer frocks. and there was this pickpocket on the pier, and they caught him and beat him to a pulp. anyway, he's not 7, he's 12, isn't he? no, that's jake. you see, as kids grow up, they just want to bugger off. you love them just the same, but they don't-- they don't really love you back. the older they get, the more it turns into one-way traffic. just the way it is. blimey. where'd that come from? mum, you know your bottles of perfume? yes, i know my bottles of perfume. well, there might have been an accident involving them. oh. that's all right. you'll be growing up soon, only want to do this with girls. girls? that's disgusting! yeah. that's my boy. off you go. don't go near the mess. i'll clear it up later.

what are you doing? it's an international. oh, no. no tv. it's family sunday. for the kids, yeah, but it doesn't apply to the adults, does it? well, yes it does, because if you watch that, it undermines our whole ban. but england are playing. but you hate england. you said they're a bunch of overpaid, girly tossers. capello's experimenting with 4-3-3. what's that? four girlie tossers, with three girlie tossers in front... you're just being silly now. all right, i'll compromise. if any of the kids come in, i'll turn it off. hello, darling. look, my tooth's really wobbly. oh. it's gonna come out soon, isn't it? yeah. anyway, i want to play. right. i want to play... for granddad. ohh... you see, granddad's quite tired at the moment, darling, but i know who would like to hear you play, and that's the birds in the garden, because they'll think that you're a bird, just like them.

no, they wouldn't! i want to play for either you or granddad. granddad's in there, but what we would really like is for you to play to us. absolutely. this is called "some of the angels," and i-- and i composed it myself. ( playing shrilly ) what's that noise? that was karen, playing her lovely recorder, frank. but it's awful! karen: old, old man! karen! granddad was only joking. have i upset her? i'm sorry. dad, it's fine. i think we over-praise her a bit. i didn't mean to. it's fine. listen, dad, you know what you mentioned a few moments ago about children buggering off, and...

well, if that was about me, then i just wanted to say that i didn't-- i didn't mean to make you feel abandoned. i was 17, and i just wanted to... you know... and... and i'm sorry if... ( sighs ) i'm just sorry. i said what about children doing what? well, it doesn't matter. do you want a cup of tea? yeah, i don't mind if i do. she's fine. i told her that as you get older, nice music sounds nasty. and vice versa, which is why he likes celine dion. actually, i didn't-- i didn't say that last bit. i just made that up right now. sue, do you think i'm getting more moles? hang on. i'll get out last year's mole map. 'cause apparently you should check them every couple of months. do you think you ought to leave that self-diagnosis website alone for a bit, 'cause the next thing you know,

you'll be back in front of the mirror comparing your bollocks again, and i think that scarred jake for life. well, we told him not to just come in like that. by the way, did you manage to have that chat with him? yeah. yeah. go well? yeah, good. good. ben: can we watch tv yet? no. you know, the time they're little, they're-- it's such a short part of our lives, and you're right, we should make the most of every minute. i'm gonna get them down to play more games. kids! dad: ...41. 42. 43. the whole landing smells of perfume, by the way. 44. i bet mrs. stepford's wonder children next door wouldn't think of mixing earwax and perfume to make a candle. 45. they lack the originality.

46. and the intellectual curiosity. 47. not that anyone's competing, of course. 48. both: 49. 50! ready or not, here we come! do you know, i don't think i've ever felt this knackered at the end of a sunday... except maybe when the pedalo got caught by that riptide off guernsey. you know i said i was gonna live every minute of every day? yeah. i think i might live every other minute of every other day, with the odd tea break. you're not even looking for us! yes, we are. we're checking out the kitchen. ben, they're not even looking for us! what? that is so lazy! what are you doing in here? you're making it much too easy for us.

you should be hiding! what the hell? you made me play this stupid game. oh, come on! if you agree to play a game with somebody, you can't just blow off! punting off? all right, okay! all right, okay. family sunday. you were promised a game of hide-and-seek, so that's what you shall have. you go and hide, and dad and me will-- sod it! go and watch the television! yes! yes! whoo-hoo! mum: that's five hours in an airport with kids. that's five weeks in real time. you let ben drink a double espresso? ohh! ben! in america, he could get five years for that. passengers with small children can board. but we don't have any small children! everybody's looking at us, mummy. yes, i know, darling.