ben, karen! for the last time, they are not light sabers! they are toilet brushes! put them back! sue: it's us! god almighty, they have 500 presents, and they're dueling with... ( sighs ) jake, are you all right? you look a bit-- yeah, i think you should sit down. he's gone into shock. w-what happened? the sales are always like that. oh, yeah. it's just like rugby, but played by old ladies. oh, did you get that cd player? yeah, well, mum had the last one in her hand, and then some old bitch snatched it. jake, you-- sorry, it's my fault. i shouldn't have called her that. sue-- what? it's 11:00 in the morning. oh, yeah. huh! but it's christmas. it's all right. ben: pwow! mummy, i've made my new years' resolutions. oh, good. "i will not poke my fingers in the butter." i didn't know you did that, but good. "i will not chew my duvet." excellent. "i will not call people 'idiots.'" very good. "mummy will stop nagging me." yeah-- no, hang on.

you can't make resolutions for other people. "mummy will stop giving me cabbage." no, no. you make resolutions for yourself. dad? you know our burglars? mm-hmm? i don't... really think of them as "our" burglars. i'm really surprised they didn't take my lucky pig skull. hmm. who wouldn't want that? yeah, well, exactly. i mean, what were they thinking? maybe they've already got one. i think it would be worth £30,000 on ebay. most cars don't even cost that, do they? well, we only got £50 for our car on ebay. yeah, well, we said we wouldn't talk about that, didn't we? that man was very annoyed. karen, i will make new years' resolutions, but i will choose my own. but your resolutions are rubbish. they're all stuff like, "i will eat less biscuits so i get more thin." biscuit? or "i will learn italian." kar-- but what we really need is for you to stop nagging. don't be so rude! see? like then. you're nagging. ( groans ) i do not nag. you may learn italian,

but then you could just nag in italian. can you stop banging on about me learning italian? ( sighs ) well-- anyway, how many resolutions have you got there? uh, 48. and how many are for you? some. three. idiots. ben can't understand why the burglars didn't take his piece of chewing gum that was spat out cesc fabregas. i'm quite surprised they didn't take jake's ipod, because it was just sitting here on the counter. i think the mess may have worked in our favor there. it's a bit odd they took the cd player and none of the cds. oh, come on, anyone who likes phil collins is gonna be way too old and feeble to get over our gate. there's oasis. and coldplay. that came out last year. you have no idea, do you? well, anyway, they could've taken the cds and sold them. yeah, like anyone buys cds nowadays. well, some people do. some people acquire their music legally. here we go. that downloading you do, that is basically theft. yeah, but everyone else does it. just because everyone else does it doesn't make it okay!

i knew you were gonna say that. all right, now, i've downloaded the claim form online. amazingly, i've found some receipts, and our total loss is... £302.59. right. what's the excess? it's going to be £300, isn't it? uh... yep. thank you, father christmas. i can't get it out from behind the radiator. yeah, yeah. it's that yellow dinosaur auntie jean gave him. it's really stuck. i'll have another go with a skewer in a moment. i think it's his arm that's stuck. i'll have another go with a skewer in a moment. ow! can't get it out! all right... somebody, please! you shouldn't be trying to rescue ben's stupid dinosaur. you should be trying to rescue rusty. he's not a toy; he's a living hamster. well, let's hope so. stuck really tight! if you got it in, you must be able to get it out. just ease, ease it out! karen: i was supposed to be looking after him.

he's a class hamster, and i had a duty of care. yeah, well, he's stuck under the floor. i'm not gonna rip up all the floorboards-- i bet you'd rip the floorboards up if ben was stuck under there. well... we did. but what if a puppy was trapped? well, then, i might rip the floor up, but i'm not-- but how about a porpoise? it's very unlikely-- yeah, but if a porpoise was stuck. okay, karen. i promise that if a porpoise is ever trapped under the floor, i will rescue it. i'm going to write that down. sue: car keys, car keys. karen: no, this is my tent! ( ben growls ) i must be headed off to get dad soon. you haven't forgotten jane's coming at 1:00? i just wish you'd mentioned it to me before you invited her to lunch, that's all. well, little alexa's spending christmas with her dad, and so jane's on her own, and... i don't think she's got any friends. yeah, well, there's a reason for that. oh, it'll be fine. it'll be good! it'll be like the christmases i remember. i'll be open house, people dropping in,

lots of noise. noise of jane moaning. pete! well, i'm sorry, but, you know, she'll come round here and she will bang on about her terrible life and her horrible ex-husband-- what is it with you and christmas? she's my friend, and-- it's bad enough having to see our families without seeing friends, as well. ben's not allowed in. he's not a proper asylum seeker. and also, he's not wearing any pants under his trousers. ben, put some pants on! what is it with adults and pants? so, how many christmas presents broken now? um, six by noon on boxing day. i think we've beaten last year's record. so, we're gonna put in a claim for £2.59? well, it's not worth putting in, obviously. no. unless... unless? well, unless... oh, unless. i mean, there are loads of items, you know, in the past, that we never claimed for.

there was that video camera that got reversed over and that ring of mine that got swallowed. yeah, we could've put in claims for those, and we didn't. i mean-- ben: you're just being deliberately annoying! if we were to... add on the occasional item, that would be okay, wouldn't it? yeah, oh, yeah, that would be fine. ben: two questions. one, if you didn't go to the toilet for months and years, would you explode? yes. and two, why do they call it boxing day? because you end up knee-deep in boxes. did you put your underpants on? i couldn't find any. maybe the robbers stole them. ben, the robbers did not steal your underpants. not even drug-addled morons would steal your underpants. they could've been stolen by robbers who had a baby. ben-- and they needed something to give to their baby. ben, they have your name in them. yeah, but they could name their baby after me so it would have the right name. so, they named their baby after the name in your pants? yeah. ( whirring ) j-just leave that.

leave the electrics alone! we don't want to end up in casualty on boxing day. they could be strange creatures from another planet... oh, the aliens again... and they think that clothes are food, so-- what, they're gonna eat your pants? well, maybe! go and put some pants on. sue: right, let's get moving. i don't want dad to get agitated or anxious. oh, god. what? oh, i keep thinking about that documentary. sue... the old peoples' home where everybody's mistreated, and that statistic about how many old people die within the first year of being put into a-- listen, you did the right thing by your dad. you checked that place out really thoroughly, didn't you? he hasn't said anything, has he? no, he's okay. he did have that run-in with the russian carer. she overreacted. your dad's generation, they're just not politically correct, are they? and he's right, she does look a bit like stalin.

the moustache doesn't help. ( running footsteps, crashing ) ben: mum, i think the robbers might've broken your bedside lamp! oh-- oh, just leave it! now, what've you put about the back gate being open? because that would make the claim invalid, wouldn't it? it wasn't me. well, i put that they forced it open. which they... sort of did. except by using the handle and turning. but it is quite stiff, so they might well have had to do that forcibly. but as long as everybody knows it wasn't me. yes, yes, yes. we know. actually, darling, if a man comes and asks if the gate was left unlocked, it wasn't. but it was. well, yes. but don't say it was unlocked. but it was. just say it wasn't. so, you want me to lie. so, you're always saying, "oh, don't lie,"

but now you're saying do lie. now you're saying, "karen, lie." well, how about you just don't say anything? but what if he asks me? he won't. but what if he does? then just say, "i don't know." but i do know! you told me it was unlocked. we could've made a mistake. or you could've lied. because you're lying to the insurance man now, so you could be always lying. well, uh-- so, i'll just say that mummy and daddy said the gate was locked, but they are big, fat liars. well, that was christmassy. will they come back? will the burglars come back? what, the burglars could come back? uh, no, karen. of course not. no one's saying that. the burglars aren't-- but they could hit us with their iron bars w-when we're asleep. no one's gonna hit you with anything, and anyway, robbers just want to take your stuff.

they don't want to hurt you. what about the vikings? vikings? yeah, the vikings. they would rob you and hurt you. well, actually, historians now think that the vikings weren't nearly as violent as-- can we not worry about the history here? what about the thuggies? they would rob you and they would steal your kids for slaves... ben! and then they'd burn your house down. ben! they'd just, like, pin you to a table ben! and di-di-di-dit-it-dit all over you so you were like little pieces of meat. then they'd bury you under their palace. there aren't people like that round now. yeah, but what about the things that are now, like there was that group of mexican women... ben. who would, like, invite you round to their house for smoothies. obviously in mexico. they'd drug you. ben! and they hurt somebody, 'cause there were those two wrestling dwarves who came round to-- wrestling dwarves. ...women's houses, and she gave them her smoothies... ben! b-- and they drunk them, 'cause they were so small and they had the dwarving illness... none of this family... it affected their system, and they just died. ...are dwarf wrestlers. can you stop him? where are you learning this stuff? i think it was in r.e. listen, karen, you don't have to worry

about robbers coming back. and in the unlikely event that they did, they would only come when people were out. you said they were stupid and take drugs, and if they were stupid and take drugs, they wouldn't be able to know if the light was on in our house or if the light was on in their head. pete: hey, hey, hey. come on. listen, you. come here. you... have absolutely nothing to worry about, okay? okay. yeah, i promise you as your dad that those robbers are never, ever coming back. okay. okay? off you go. bet you they do come back, though. ( whispers ) pete! rob and jane got turned over four times-- shush! and they've got an alsatian. no, you can't, ben, because a) that experiment is way too complicated for your new chemistry set, and b) that's probably how swine flu started.

oh! there's water coming out of it now. oh... god. well, i definitely can't turn the valve off that way. i've dropped the barbecue tongs. oh, for--! ben, your dinosaur doesn't look much like a dinosaur anymore. karen, shut up! he looks more like a, um, a jellyfish that's been in a fire. if you won't shut up, i'm gonna throw this radiator-- okay, everyone, keep calm! dad, turn the thing off! ben... ( grunting, thumping ) banging your head against the wall is not keeping calm! jake: mum, everyone downloads for free. if you want me to be the only kid in the world who pays for his music, then, you know, maybe i should get more pocket money. come off it, jake. listen, titch, it's just-- hey! you're only a few millimeters taller than me. yeah, but from here on in, you're just gonna keep getting shorter. oi. look, i'm saying, daddy, you shouldn't have really got any presents, because you don't believe in god and jesus and all that stuff.

it's okay for you to get loads, is it? well, obviously, 'cause i'm a christian! well, you are at christmas. what? nothing. look, i can see it. i can see it. ben, you get ready to flick, and, karen, when i say grab, grab, okay? so, flick and grab! i've got it! that's the barbecue tongs out. what about my dinosaur? well, i'll have another try later. i've got a whole lunch to-- but it was my favorite dinosaur! okay, okay, look. calm down. it's my favorite toy! listen, both of you, why don't you just go and relax in front of the telly? well, okay. whoo-hoo, yeah! ( ben yelling ) ( sighs ) karen, i said you could both go and watch the telly. i think my arm is stuck. of course it is. ow! and, when dad buys his oasis cds, he's just sort of giving money to the gallaghers, isn't he? and noel has said in the past that he used to spend all his money on drugs and stuff. so, you're basically just giving money to drug barons

who are likely to spend that money on guns and then go and kill bloody peasants. how moral is that, mum? how moral is that? well, that's all very ingenious, jake, but in the end the fact remains that illegal downloading is just theft. what, like fiddling the insurance company? eh-- uh-- what are you watching? well, it was some really cool pictures of an earthquake, but now it's just some stupid men in suits coming on and saying sorry. yeah, this is rubbish! ah, it's a review of the year. 2009, the year of the apology. who are those three? they're bankers. they're apologizing to the country. what for? well, they lost a lot of our money... so then we had to give them even more of our money to replace our money that they lost. but they're idiots. they should be fired. well, he is... and was. that's sir fred goodwin. he was fired? then what happened to him? we... gave him more of our money. oh, there's gordon brown!

boo! get him off. is he saying sorry? no, that would take too long. jake: in terms of the morality of it-- it's not about morality. it's about insurance. they're two entirely different concepts. ( sighs ) yes. so, you're saying it's okay to fiddle the insurance company. but, mum, it's really no different from my downloads, is it? well, yes, it is, actually. basically what you're doing is just theft. well, everyone else does it. "just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it okay." dad! ( knocking ) dad? dad! who are those funny little men? one of them looks like yoda, and the other one looks like he pingping. "funny little men"? those are the gurkhas. they're very fierce soldiers. and who's tha-- the big one? the big one with the blonde hair and the teeth? is she a gurkha, as well? joanna lume-ley. that's what it says, anyway. lumley.

no, lume-ley. lumley. but it says there-- joanna lume-ley. i'm sure there's no need to worry. often they just fall asleep-- dad? are you sure he's not in one of the communal--? very sure. look, let's not get worried. no, i am worried. and as someone in charge of an old folks' home who's just lost an old... folk, i think you should be worried! well, it's possible he's popped out. popped out? no, lume-ley. lumley. lume-ley! i have to talk to your teachers. ( changes channel ) ooh, high noon! i love this. it's brilliant. no, it's not. you made us watch it last christmas. it's rubbish. that sheriff only has to kill three men. what kind of film is that? well, it's a good film! a hero should have to kill more than three people. just imagine how short the matrix 2 would be if keanu reeves only had to kill three people instead of 167, not counting that man who flies off the back of the lorry,

'cause he might've survived. yeah, but this-- ( doorbell ringing ) i'll get it. ah, who's that gonna be? maybe it's jane. what, an hour early? i haven't seen any comets or... horses eating their young, so there is no way that-- jane: hi-oh! ( train whistle blowing ) oh, my god. this is from this morning. nothing there. nothing there. i knew a home was a mistake. it's fine. ah! found him. that's good. he's with mack. ( chuckles ) i wonder where they've got to this time. this time? they've probably toddled off to the pub. how did they get past the keypads on the doors? ( sighs ) i wish i knew. so you're saying that there's a particular pub that they go to? well, they're probably not up to finding a particular pub, but if they wander around long enough, they come across a pub in the end. ( phone rings ) hello?

oh, hello. hi. yeah. ( car alarm ringing ) so, i thought it would just be silly to go home, come back out again. i hope being early is not a problem. ( chuckles ) oh, good grief, no. no, it's, uh, it's a nice surprise. ( chuckles ) so... your present to us is a goat. yeah! the desert is encroaching on sub-saharan villages, and for them, a goat makes a huge difference. so, it's a present to the sub-saharans. well, no, it's yours, but it's them who get to use it, and... you can enjoy that! but that's not-- i think it's a terrific gift. jane, why don't you take the kids and go and play some games in the living room? oh, god, no, pete! i'll keep you company. you don't want to be left on your own. right. ( crunching ) ( sighs ) seven. i was just so upset when i heard about your burglary.

it's horrible, isn't it? you think they're gonna come back and murder you in your bed. yeah, but that won't happen, will it? well, if they've got keys. you could walk through the door and find some knife-wielding psychopath waiting to stab you. yeah, but they-- they haven't got our keys. they didn't take our keys, so we've got nothing to worry about. have we? oh! no. sorry. you've got nothing to worry about, that's for sure. that's right. but it is such a violation, isn't it? you just wanna go out and kill the people who did it. are you allowed to do that? no! ( scrabbling ) oh, my god. oh! ben, i've told you, go easy with the dismembered hand! aah! the hand of doom is ripping my face off! i've gotta get it off before-- so, it's definitely my goat. yeah! actually, karen, if you don't mind...

all right, then. i'd like to see my goat. i'm just gonna... could i go to sub-sahara or something? well, i don't think-- or could it come to me for the weekend? well, i-i think the cost of transporting a goat on a plane... so, it's going to grow up, have baby goats, grow old, and then die without me even ever seeing it. we can talk about it later. it's a very ugly goat, as well. no, you can't shoot burglars. so, only the police can shoot burglars? no, they can't. so, when they catch burglars, they can only whack them with a big stick? no, ben, the police can't whack burglars with a big stick. i think winnie is the wrong name for a goat, because goats don't whinny. horses whinny. goats go "baa," like sheep, but a bit different. let's, um-- is this actually a photograph of my goat, or is it just a goat? uh, i-i don't know.

so, maybe i won't even ever get to see a photo of my goat? shall we go downstairs? so, it's not actually a present to me. it's a present to some sub-saharans. all right! all right, it's a christmas present to some sub-saharans. right, then. i'm fine with that. i've got loads of christmas presents, anyway. ( sighs ) ben: can soldiers shoot people? yep. i'm gonna be a soldier and shoot burglars. no, no, no. if you're a soldier, you still can't shoot burglars. so, how can you stop burglars if you can't shoot them? well, you-- you could get an aye-aye. a what? you know, little brazilian little bush baby things. the aye-ayes are really, really cool creatures and there's a myth that says when you look an aye-aye in the eye, you die. look, i've got to concentrate on this. so you could have an aye-aye hiding, and then when he opens the door, the aye-aye would just go-- i'll put the aye-aye thing to the neighborhood watch. can you set wild dogs on burglars? no. electrocuted door knobs to make their-- no! dig traps in the garden? no, ben, you cannot dig tr--

you've dug another trap in the garden, haven't you? ( men laughing ) dad! hey! hello, love! what a coincidence! no, dad, it's not a coincidence! we've been searching high and low for you. we've even had the police out looking for you! really? yes. you're meant to be coming to us for lunch. am i? yes, granddad, it's boxing day. oh, well, i find it a bit tricky keeping track of the days, so, to be honest, i don't really bother. oh! where are my manners! uh, this is mack. mack, this is my daughter sue and my grandson ben. jake. jake. ( heavy scots accent ) "ha! whare ye gaun, ye crowlin' ferlie!" been erster champ the tatties. robbie burns! he can't remember bugger-all, but he can remember all that. their old clothes looked as good as new. don't understand everything he says. right, well. look, we'll drop mack back at the home, and then we'll take you onto ours, okay? did you understand what i just said, dad?

yeah, you're dropping mack back at colditz. so we'll-- why do you call it colditz? eh? you called it colditz. why did you call it colditz? what? come on, mum, let's go. he called it colditz. fine. we escaped from colditz! see, they keep calling it colditz! i know, mum, but we've got to get mack back to the home. we're late already. let's just go. you're right. okay, come on, you two. then when married men find out you're a single mum, ( chuckles ) they just hit on you all the time! do they? mm. is there anything i can do to help, pete? no, you're fine. just tell me if there is. no, you're fine. ( children screaming ) it's lovely being surrounded by kids at christmas. yeah, it's lovely. of course, my little alexa's with her father. his lawyer threatened me. what kind of a dad does that? i tell you, pete, he is such a-- kids! who wants to watch a dvd? you and jane can watch a nice dvd while we're waiting for the others to arrive. yeah! let's watch a dvd! all right, let's see what we've got here. yay!

gladiator. groundhog day. slice of ham. christmas carol, how 'bout that? i love that! oh, no, not the christmas carol! i can't watch that! well, why not? it's because of bob scratchit. he's an idiot. why? the scrooge has been horrible to him for thousands and thousands of years, and n-now, he just-- and now he buys them one goose, and-- and suddenly it's, "oh, well, "do come in, mr. scrooge. oh, thank you, mr. scrooge." the cratchits can see that scrooge has changed. one day of niceness doesn't make up for thousands of days of horribleness. no, but-- if hitler said, "oh, sorry, i bombed loads of people, but i promise that i'll be good for the rest of my life," and then he bought everybody a goose, would we let him off? well, i think if hitler had-- doesn't have to be christmas carol. sue: okay, dad, i'll just get mack back inside

and explain to the staff that you're coming home for lunch with us, okay? oh! mack's coming home to lunch with us. that's lovely. cheers, sue. no. no, dad, mack is having his lunch here, so, you hop out of the car, mack, and let-- no, dad, you don't need to get out of the car, because you're coming on to ours. right. so, you stay in the car, and mack, you hop out, and i'll take you back inside. where are you taking mack? inside. i just said that. i'm sorry, but you were muttering. come on, mack. for god's sake, dad! no, granddad, get in the car. you're staying with me. come on, mack. we can watch the football tonight, granddad, fullham and chelsea. i-i grew up watching chelsea. i used to stand under-- under the big bovril sign, yeah, i know. had some great players in those days... roy bentley, eric parsons, frankie bluntstone, reggie kray...

no, that's not right. reggie... bet the lunches are lively here. are they? too lively. too much yakking. always have my lunch with frank in his room, always. together. always. right, well, i'm afraid we've borrowed him today. still, he'll be back-- come on, mack. in we go. for god's sake! sorry, he's-- he's faster than he looks. are you okay, pete? is there anything else i can do to help? no, you're-- no, you're fine. uh, everything's under control. why don't you go back in and watch some more dvds? oh, no, kids got bored. now they're watching the christmas edition of world's weirdest bodies. oh, god. well, sue will be back soon. ( cell text tones ring ) oh, know who that's from. alexa? no, her dad. he likes to send me these nasty little messages. take a look. go on.

no, i don't mind. really. oh, that is nasty. that is-- that is-- that is really nasty. he sent me three on christmas day, all gloating that he had alexa. ( sighing ) i wasn't... always like this, you know? i used to be a moderately together sort of person, well, compared to this. you're looking at what happens when all the confidence gets kicked out of a person. sorry. i'll leave you to it. no, no, no, stay. let's-- let's chat. dad, come quick! there's a woman with a head like a pumpkin. there's not much christmas spirit in that, is there? oh, my god. oh, my god, she's horrible! she's so horrendous! i mean-- oh, come on. come on. it is rather unkind, watching this kind of--

my god, look at that. look at her face! i bet she's popular on halloween. no, come on. ( turns tv off ) why? what's wrong with you? that was really interesting! you can't just turn it off. the baby jesus was not born in a... stable so we could sit around watching pumpkin-headed women. or dwarves with massive breasts in the wrong places. come on, let's do something festive. i know. games! is his name peter? no. no. then what is his name? ah, clever. have i ever murdered anybody? yep. wait. yeah! am i known for sort of... um, you know, for being sort of troubled? is he, um, a historical figure? hopefully soon. yeah. does my name begin with an "s"? are you looking through the paper? do i have some sort of eating disorder? osama bin laden.

well done! finally! somebody cool. someone cool? how can you think-- one, he has a gun. two, he likes to blow things up. three, he's got a really cool beard. since when was that cool? four, he's had a hiding place for ages, and five, he sings "numa numa" really well on youtube. well, he was-- he's not cool, is he? he's a terrorist. he blew up the twin towers. you're not very cool. some people think you are. sue: hi! it's us! they are here! okay, everyone. lunch in minus five. hi, frank, happy christmas. hi, granddad! happy boxing day, granddad! granddad, do you want to play "who am i"? um, i think that's probably not a very granddad-friendly game, ben. but why don't you sit down, frank? right. jake: do you remember jane, granddad? no. jane: oh! ( laughs ) hello. granddad, i did this picture for you. oh, yeah? this is you. th-that's your unicorn. mm-hmm. and you're fighting osama bin laden, voldemort, and that's the creepy one that sits next to simon cowell, and i can't remember her name.

how is everything? jane! did you get here all right? yeah. actually, i was an hour early. ( whispers ) sorry! no, it's been fine. and you were right. it's nice to do something for people who are on their own at christmas. uh-huh. yeah, um, this is mack. jane: hiya! he's gonna be joining us for lunch. ( says something heavily scots ) is he albanian? uh, no. no, darling. he's from scotland. right, who's for a drink? mack: a wee johnny walker would be nice. jane: i'll get that. frank: cheers, mack. look. karen has done me this lovely drawing. that horse has got a javelin coming out his head. no, it's a unicorn! that's a horse, right? and that's his head. this is a unicorn, and what do you mean, "heed"? head. head. head. this is "head." ah, head. head. what language are you speaking? i'm speaking-- i'm speaking english here! sorry! what could i do? the poor man has no one. i couldn't leave him there on his own. they called it colditz!

what do you mean, "a wee bit"? a tiny bit. a tiny bit? aye, a tiny bit. why'd you say "wee," then? wee is the same thing as tiny. a tiny wee bit is even wee-er than a wee bit. then you're getting to tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, till you disappear and so you have ne'en. ne'en? ne'en! so, do you want me to talk like you, then? well, no, i'm not saying i want you to, but why don't you? but why should i? i talk like this all the time. so, mack... do you like football? aye, i used to play inside right for st. mirren. who's st. mirren? a football team. what's an inside right? at chelsea, i used to stand under the great big bovril sign. inside right what? inside right is just inside the outside right, just ahead of the right half. is this football we're talking about? frank: they had some great players in those days. roy bentley, frankie bluntstone, reggie... reggie, uh, dixon. no, he played the organ. so, what's for first course, chef? well, my specialty, hamster soup.

what?! it's a joke, karen. there are some things you don't joke about. we're not going to declare a national day of mourning for one lost hamster. perhaps it'll find its way back. well, i doubt it. i mean, they're not a very bright animal. yeah, well, hamsters can store food in its cheeks. i bet you can't do that. depends which cheeks you're talking about. peter! maybe the burglar took the hamster. for his lunch. can't say that! you're the one who let him out! all right! all right! that's enough hamster-based-- what's this about a burglary? oh, it's nothing to worry about, dad. it was just a minor break-in. nothing much was taken. yeah, just over £300 worth... and going up all the time. pete, he keeps banging on about the insurance thing. we're going to have to do something. mack: you could do with stronger locks on these doors. bolts top and bottom. a mortise deadlock, that's what you need. something that'll give ye a wee bit of resistance. you, uh, you seem very knowledgeable, mack. aye, well, for ten years i was a security consultant. oh, yeah? and for 20 years before that, i was a burglar. this looks tasty.

did he just say he was a burglar? yep. okay, everyone, this looks lovely. jane: well done, chef. yeah, let's tuck in. ben: i'm starving! excuse me, um, are we not going to say grace? ooh. well, we--we we don't usually... we're not really religious, you see. mack, because-- we don't... it's not something... i just thought we've all got our health and all this lovely food, when there's loads of people out there wi' nothing. yeah, i suppose you're right. some hae meat and cannae eat, and some hae none that want it, but we hae meat and we can eat, so let the lord be thank it. very nice. yes, very nice. amen. karen: i didn't understand a word of that. jane: roaring? jake: king kong! frank-- frankenstein. it's got four syllables. he's really fat. we give up. um, i don't know. i give up.

it's impossible. it's shrek! i thought you said it was four syllables. four syllables. it is! sh-r-ek-uh. shrek. oh, my god. no, sh-- well, it's-- drown, swim! drowning bunny! jane: stag. jake: zombie! ben: drowning deer! drowning stag. drowning-- drowning fish. pigeon. drowning. finding nemo! we give up. what is it? just tell us. it's an inconvenient truth. the icebergs are melting, and a polar bear is drowning. okay, third word. tv, okay. dinosaur! dead. hit the dead! kill the dead. slap-- slap the dead. strangle-- swat the dead. shoot the dead! what's he doing? smack the dead! annoy the dead! kick the dead! waking the dead! jake: there! aaah! finally! my turn, my turn! ( jane laughing ) you ready? it's a book. karen: uh, old man with a stick shouting. angry blind man.

you're right, this is definitely what christmas is about, isn't it, throwing open your home to family and friends and ex-burglars. jane: a lion, uh-- mm! with an animal... old man and his dog. jake: and it's definitely a book? what book do you think ben is doing? elephant? ellie the elephant. i've got this terrible feeling he's doing the bible... all of the bible. rabbit! kangaroo! jumping! i think that's noah and the ark... jane: hunchback! yeah, you see? there are the crabs going in two by two. top up? musician. flute? trumpet! miles davis. ah, he's got to joshua and the battle of jericho. i'm not looking forward to sodom and gomorrah. ( all chatter ) ( doorbell ringing ) there you go, returned safe and sound and looking forward to his lunch, one lost dad. uh, that's not my dad. what? we found my dad. i did ring the station. did no one tell you?

i asked you specifically if you were frank, father of sue brockman, and you said, "yes, i am." yep, i'm frank. but you told me-- oh, for-- i'm telling you, sometimes there is a case for police brutality. i'm starving. well, i suppose i could take him along to crisis at christmas, but i was there earlier, and they were really struggling, though what would be handy is if someone were to just take him in and give him some lunch as a gesture of seasonal goodwill. well... sorry, we're a bit goodwilled out. we've already got a full house, i'm afraid. ah, right. okay. come on, you. try the harrisons at number 27. they're christians. peter! well, that'll teach them to keep shoving leaflets through our letterbox. just off to the bog. oh, dad, um, you know this home where you're living? what, colditz? yeah. why do you keep calling it colditz? is there something wrong with it? is it horrible?

no, i like it. so why do you keep calling it colditz? well, for a laugh. for a laugh? yeah, it's a joke. colditz. you need to relax and see the funny side of things, sue. it's always been your problem. but i-- reggie matthews! that was him! yeah, goalie, chelsea and england! yeah, reg matthews. jane: zombie! leper! karen: baddie with arms in-front of him? ah. he's got as far as lazarus. jane: mummy, mummy ii. karen: what is it? oh, jake, could we have a little word about something? oh, for-- look, it was ben who downloaded it. no, no, it's not about... whatever that turns out to be. it's about our insurance claim for the robbery. oh. and we know that you think that we're guilty of double standards. and we have taken that on board. and so we've decided we're not going to make a false claim. okay. cheers, guys.

do you think he bought that? yeah, kids are so gullible. drink? mm. pete: everyone ready? ♪ that's for to take my sister to the picture show ♪ ♪ bang bang bang went frankie's gun ♪ ♪ he shot me down ♪ lucille ♪ bang bang bang went frankie's gun ♪ ♪ he shot me down ♪ lucille ♪ shot me down, shot me down, shot me down ♪ ♪ shot me down, shot me down, shot me down ♪ ( humming along ) ( in macho tone ) lucille! ( laughing )

♪ he shot me down, he shot me down ♪ ♪ he shot me down sha-na-na! ♪ sha-na-na, sha-na-na, sha-na-na ♪ karen: now can we sing along to "sex on fire"?

that's going to cool you down, isn't it? - i love it, i do. - rupert maas: do you? what do you love most about this completely wonderful painting? ( woman giggles ) the way you can see through to the valley beyond, this "hoosh," that rainbow, that boat and its tiny tender, and the waterfall and-- where do you want me to stop? well, 'cause it just goes-- it just goes on forever, doesn't it? the detail of it-- it's extraordinary. you can completely lose yourself in this. everywhere you look, there's another extraordinary-- almost cataclysmic vision of weather. you've got the clouds parting here to allow a wisp of cloud over that distant and almost horrific jagged edge of cliff. you've got this amazing mist driving up this valley here, and out of it coming this splintering, scintillating waterfall, down to this unbelievable, cool, placid,

calm loch with a great big ship in it so far down. and then, over here, i love this vertiginous bit here, this rock, just-- isn't it extraordinary? you want to sort of push it over the edge and yet you know it's massive, and vast along with the rest of this huge landscape. and then this wonderful rainbow in that mist, and just look at it. and it goes on forever. i mean, there-- it's magical. you can dream of trolls living in here. you can-- you can think what you like about it. but overall, it's-- it's a symphony of different weather conditions, isn't it? absolutely. quite quite lovely. so, it's by alfred william hunt, and we can see the bottom right there. and it's signed. and it's dated 1869, which has-- has got to be the heyday of this artist's career. yeah. now he was a very interesting chap-- born in liverpool. he's a liverpool artist. - woman: right. - yeah. but he went to oxford and was a very well-educated man. and really he was a scholar and a poet.

and i think that that tells you quite a lot about the way he's seeing this landscape. because he's seeing it poetically. i mean, this is a series of beautiful stanzas of poetry about the weather, the landscape, and the magnificent mountains. i can't tell you how modern this picture would have been for 1869. if you'd gone into the exhibition where this was shown, and seen it, you would have gone, "wow, that's new. i've never seen anything like that before." and it's because he's looking forward-- he's a modernist, really. he's looking forward, finding a new way of expressing his emotion and his-- his reaction to the landscape. anyway, wonderful painting, completely wonderful painting, and what's more, you know, not known to academia. you know, this is a lost masterpiece. - there's been an exhibition, just literally-- - don't tell 'em. - what? "don't tell 'em?" - don't tell anyone! don't tell anyone. okay, it'll be our secret. but it's been-- it's been lost. it's been lost for hundreds of years. i mean, you knew were it was, but-- and maybe one or two others. but there's been an exhibition

in the ashmolean museum just earlier this year of this artist's work, and they didn't know anything about it-- nothing. they knew it existed, but they didn't know it still existed, where it was. how did it get into your family? grandfather used to drive ships around the place, and when he came back from america, he was very rich. - aha, there's money in ships. - aha! money in ships-- there can be. and he bought lots of pictures and things that he liked. and then when he died, it sort of came down in the family to us. and it's been on your walls ever since? - yes. - how wonderful. - ever had it valued? - no. - maas: not at all? - woman: probate value. - and what was that? - about £5,000. £5,000-ish? yeah yeah. well, i can imagine how that would be. now i think probably a picture this good, this rare of this date by this artist-- at least £40,000. oh christ.

is there a doctor in the house? ah... and the rest-- i mean, that is conservative. that is conservative. it is that good. i think if-- if two people got carried away, i can see it doing £60,000... easily. it's really really beautiful. i might be able to buy that cottage then. that would be nice.

i saw them on tv saturday night and by now i gather you like john.

they're all nice though, but of course, john's my boy." john's whose boy? uh, mimi's boy. - aunt mimi? - yes. john's-- john's famous, very strict-- he used to say, "and very forthright" auntie... - yes. - ...mimi smith. where'd you get her address from? i think it was in one of the newspapers that came to our house. so, i thought "well, why not? she can't but refuse." how fantastic. and it ends up here's ringo's address. so she-- she was-- she was gaily giving-- giving the boys' addresses out... - yes. - ...left, right and center. well, i think i might have asked for that as well-- - this is terrif-- - --very politely, of course. of-- of course. i can imagine you were a polite young girl at age 12 or 13. and what was the reaction when you actually got a reply to your letter? i was beside myself, absolutely-- um, well, trembling and all-- all in amazement. and, uh, yes.

it was very very exciting. i can imagine. and then-- i mean, it wasn't just one isolated letter from mimi. i mean, we've got more here. and this is dated 1964. "dear jane, looking through john's old rubbish. his room was always full of things that all boys seem to collect. i found this old string, here we go. it has been here for years. i think he has more expensive ones these days, but this one belongs to his art college days. i thought you might like it." to get one of john lennon's guitar strings, - i mean-- - i know, that was pretty-- pretty extraordinary. and this one ends up with-- you asked for paul's address. and here's paul-- paul mccartney's address. this isn't doing my reputation-- oh, i'm sure you've grown out of it now. and i can't believe you're still the same girl that you were when you were 12 or 13. oh, actually, this is... - this is her, isn't it? aunt mimi-- - yes. yes. - looking like a woman not to mess with. - yes, exactly. she does look a bit stern there, doesn't she? - i particularly like the hat. - yes. very fetching. but in this letter...

she says "yes, i saw the beatles on 'lucky stars.'" da-da-da-dum. "that hair, it was the very limit of the absolute end. i couldn't contain myself not one minute more, and promptly phoned him. and a good old sea-time battle royal followed, no holds barred and two receivers were banged down." so she didn't approve of the hair, then? why didn't the correspondence go on? uh, john lennon got involved with yoko ono. - mm-hmm. - and aunt mimi was fairly disapproving of that, and i was picking that up in the letters. so, i was kind of-- my loyalty was towards john. and i thought, you know, well, "she's not approving of him, but if yoko ono's all right for him, then... that's all right by me." so, the letters just gradually dwindled and... ended. there's something here that would speak to anybody who's a beatles fan. and this little group i could easily see in auction

fetching well into four figures. but... it's not that, is it? - no. - it's you looking at these - and remembering when you were 12. - mmm. a great collection. i wish it was mine. thank you for being so enthusiastic about them. - it's lovely. - hard not to be. fine little piece of english furniture, but the smallest i've seen for a long time. - it's lovely, isn't it? - yeah. what an absolute little treasure. it is perfectly to scale. and covered with-- well, there's burr walnut veneers, straight walnut the rest of the time and then this marvelous top. when i looked at the top, - it's got a great color, hasn't it? - man: yes. it's-- it's that sort of lovely patina that you would expect to see on an 18th-century piece. but the rest of it, i'm afraid-- i'm gonna close this up. we're gonna have a look at a drawer. - the rest of it is not as old as that. - man: oh. this is 1920. it's the revival.

it was made as a gift - for the bride... - i see. ...traditionally. rather than apprentice pieces, this was made by a model maker to emulate the big piece. and this was presented to her on the day of the wedding. and then when they went home there was the big piece in the sitting room, or in the library, wherever it was meant to be. and it is a writing bureau. so that's what it would be. now, people like maples, uh, harris lebus, were making marvelous quality furniture in the georgian style at that time. and it's now becoming collectable. so, any family history at all, or-- no no, i've only had it in my possession about a year. oh, lovely. when i say "lovely," what i mean is, it's nice that these things are coming on the market and you can still buy them. - we bought it because it was so pretty. - yes. now the-- the model itself comes from the george ii period-- 1720 to 1745. you'd expect to see that, particularly with that pediment at the top,

then the little shell carved in it and the burr walnut. now... bearing in mind that it is 1920 and not 1740, its value today would be in the sort of £1,000-1,200 range. mm-hmm. - i'm pleased i bought it. - you're glad you bought it? i'm pleased i bought it, yes. well, that's good. and it's certainly something to keep. i mean, that's an antique of the future. a case that looks like this is usually a case that looks something like that. and indeed there is, and a particularly nice one at that. - can you tell me something about this? - i can tell you i found it in a sewing box. but i was particularly interested because it had the picture of this nice cathedral on it. yes, well, that's a pretty rare feature. and this is, of course, a visiting-card case. let's just get rid of that. beautifully engraved there, and all the rest of this is engine turned. opening it up,

we see... the hallmark's made in birmingham in 1852 by nathaniel mills, who's the most famous maker - of snuffboxes, vinaigrettes, card cases. - oh, really? and this of course is a lady's card case because this is the size of a lady's visiting card, and this is the size of a gentleman's visiting card-- - rather more insignificant. i don't quite know why. - ( laughing ) - but that's how it used to be. - yes. well, it was really quite a lucky find. really? 'cause i nearly didn't bring it. well, i'm glad you did. these card cases are very collectible. and the more unusual the subject, the more desirable and valuable, dare i say? - yes yes. - --the card case is. in this case, if you manage to get two collectors competing to buy this, i think it could fetch anything up to £2,000. really? well, my idea is to sell it

and give the money to the cathedral campaign. i think that would be a very good idea. i think i might let the cathedral try and sell it. - definitely to secure your place in heaven. - oh, good. two rather badly damaged pieces of porcelain-- and i'm gonna start off with a valuation. i know that's not the usual way. the valuation is that they are - practically worthless. - i'm not surprised. but that's not why we're looking at them. you tell me. well, my father picked them up during the war when he was in hiroshima. they went to pick survivors and prisoners of war up. he went into hiroshima and picked these pots up just outside hiroshima, about six miles off of the center. - what was your father doing there? - he was in the medical corps. and that was his job in the army. - did he talk about what he saw? - not at all, no. - it must have affected him. - i think it did.

yes, it did affect him. he hardly went out of norfolk once he got home. yes, so that did affect him. but he didn't ever talk about what he saw. he used to have these pots and show 'em to people, - but that was it. - when he showed them to people, did he explain? - did he say anything? - not really. no, very little. he may not have said anything about these pieces, - but he clearly treasured them. - oh, yes yes. and they're obviously regarded as deeply significant objects. yes, i think. for me, looking at something like this sums up the whole business of why we make the show we make. because objects in themselves are not necessarily valuable or of interest, but it's the stories that they can tell. and your father may not have spoken about hiroshima, but these bowls do. and you say that he picked them up six miles outside the center... six miles outside.

well, i, as a ceramic historian, know a little bit about the technology of ceramics. and i know that to fire a glaze onto a piece of porcelain, you have to take the kiln temperature up to 1,300° centigrade or more. this little bowl, which was a very modest piece of japanese porcelain, made probably in the 1930s, and decorated with its usual swing and flair, was glazed at around that temperature, 1,300°. and then of course, a few years later when the bomb was exploded over hiroshima, this went through a second firing. - that's how hot it got. - yeah. the temperature, even six miles outside hiroshima, went up to 1,300° centigrade and over. and that's why you have these globules of glaze, as the thing began to run for the second time. and that's very eloquent.

that's far more eloquent than somebody telling you this is what happens when an atomic bomb goes off. we're looking at a little piece of fossilized history, which when you begin to look into it, tells you just how horrific a nuclear bomb going off is. if we look at this sooted glaze, again the same thing has happened. you can just make out a faded rose in the design there. this is pretty typical of a modest piece of staffordshire pottery that had been in this japanese cupboard in the 1930s. well, that is quite amazing. so when you bring two ordinary... destroyed, frankly, ugly little broken pots, they are worth nothing. but when we look into them, we can give you another valuation, which is that they are priceless. which is amazing they survived a boat trip to australia

and then back. in all my years of the "roadshow," the symphonion music box is probably my favorite. ( playing music ) it's lovely to look at, it's functional, it's practical-- you can actually use it and listen to wonderful wonderful music, because the tone is so good-- it's gone up in value and it's going up in value, so those three criteria, it meets. apart from that, it is so rare. this is the rolls-royce of musical boxes. i suppose in our whole 28 years, we certainly haven't seen anything as grand and wonderful as this symphonion. it's particularly rare because of its two disks. he has, i believe, a big collection of musical boxes,

so he knows his stuff. and yet he still had it very underinsured. probably about £1,000... - what? - ...something like that. i don't believe it. i haven't seen-- i haven't seen another one for sale, - so i've got no-- - no? --no comparison. i have to say that one came up for auction recently and that made at auction £20,000. ow. it's like christmas. ( ticking, chiming )