tavis: good evening. from los angeles, i am tavis tonight a conversation with dwight gooden. he stumbled badly becoming addicted to alcohol and drugs. now sober, he talks of out how he overcame his challenges. a conversation with dwight gooden is coming up right now. ♪

>> and by contributions to your pbs station from viewers like you. thank you. tavis: dwight gooden had what many considered a charmed career. he was named rookie of the year and 11 of the most prestigious awards in all baseball, the cy young award. he was struggling with drug and alcohol addiction. he is clean and sober now, but the road back was not easy.

he has written a powerful new text about what he learned along the way. its title, as it should become "doc: a memoir." it's my pleasure to have you. want to start with one of the many stories in this book that just grab you. i read a lot of books and talk with a lot of authors and sometimes what is missing in these books, believe it or not, are just powerful narratives, powerful stories. you did a great job in this book at being authentic and being honest and just telling stories. one of the stories they grab me -- they grabbed me in this text. i will cry if i tell the story. but it's the story of the day you were on the mound for the yankees and you are flirting with a no-hitter. but prior to the game starting, you had been told that your father was dying. he was in the hospital.

and you had to make a decision whether to play a small or go see her dying -- play baseball or go see her dying father. >> it was a situation where my father had been struggling with his kidneys. he had been on dialysis for 12 years. he needed emergency heart surgery. we didn't know where he was at hearing the day of the game i was supposed to pitch, i had permission to go home to be with my father. the morning i got up, was looking in the mirror and i thought of all the times he spent with me on the playground, teaching me about mechanics, teaching me about responsibility, teaching me about jobs and how responsible is come first. i had this thing come over me. i thought, he probably wants me to pitch. power greater than myself that carried me

through that game. i had to call it joe torre, the manager at that time, to telnet i was coming coming to pitch. he told me go be with your dad. then i had to call my mom. that conversation didn't go too well because she thought i should be home with my dad. we want you here. all the family members are at the hospital. i ended up having to hang up the phone with her because she was pressing me and making me feel guilty. on my drive to the ballpark, it was in a thing where i felt guilty or anything. i felt good. most of my stars come even though many i played, i would get nervous before us darted, this time i was happy. i was reminiscing. i is was my dad in the backyard and in the ballpark -- i visualized my dad in the backyard and in the ballpark. said,rre came in and he

are you sure you're all right to pitch? i said, i'm fine. i was standing in the walkway wondering if i made the right decision. is he going to be ok? will he be able to watch the game tonight? well i be up to pitch good? at the start of that season, i did not start out to good. i looked up to the scoreboard to see who seattle had coming up. i saw no runs, no hits, no wearers. -- no errors. at that point, my heart starts to pound. [laughter] i got totally locked in. i said, i am going as hard as i can for as long as i can. i walked the first two guys in that inning. joe torre came in and said how are you doing? i said, it doesn't matter. i'm not coming out. [laughter] then i threw the worst pitch all night.

he popped it out. the game is over and i am pumping my fists. i remember the years i was out of baseball. did my father see the game? i have all of the emotions going through me. i called my mom on the phone. he was resting. at that point when i got there in the morning, he was on life support. the doctor told me that he did see the game and they, at the last moment, he had a wet tear on his i. -- his eye. the last game i dad saw me pitch was that the hitter. it gives me goosebumps thinking about it. that will always be precious in my heart. story,when i read that i know everybody and their mother was to talk to you.

i don't want to have the same kind of conversation that everybody else does. your troubles in your travails. you talk about it in the book and people know about that. i'm struck by, of all the persons you did to point that you did support, your fans, your family, your friends, your self -- when i read that story, i wondered if the one person you had disappointed the most with the addiction was your father or whether or not i'm wrong about that. >> you are right on with that. i'm glad you bring it in. , i1987 -- when i was raised was raised to take responsibility for the decisions i made. in 1987, when i tested positive for the first time for cocaine, the drive home -- i lived 30 minutes from the complex -- i try to figure how i would tell

this to my parents. i was the youngest of five kids. my parents had me at a later age. i mother was kind of worried that something was going on even before then. i walked in i told them that i was suspended. if i go to rehab, they won't suspend me here i. , remember my mom said, it's ok we will get you the help you need. my father didn't say word. i know i crushed him. tavis: he didn't say a word. , iby him dropping his head knew i hurt him, but i never get to hear from him. i knew i had crushed and that at that time. i think he is the one i heard the most. the most.rt tavis: this is my personal ax to sports fans, as

canknow better than i do, be the impetus to push you to a no-hitter because they are screaming and they are yelling. you have all of yankee stadium and not just in yankee stadium -- everybody is pulling for dr. pull off this no-hitter. so fans can be a source of inspiration. but they can also be the most unforgiving people in the world, as you well know playing in new york city. one team in new york is enough. i love the big apple. but what i could never understand but i really came to get it better when i had to wrestle with the members and my family -- i am the oldest of 10. i have two siblings who have been addicted to crack. one of them goes on and off for years. we put them into rehab and try to get him help, but one of them has been off for a while.

this goes on with one of my brothers. something that has always upset me about fans is that they are mad at you because you're not on the mound winning games for their team and they blame you for it as if they don't understand it is an addiction. if dwight gooden could control this, he wouldn't be doing it very if my brother or sister could control it, they would be doing it. it is an addiction. it is not an excuse because you made that choice is. -- you may bad choices. but tell me about how people have been unforgiving when you have been wrestling with an addiction. >> they have no knowledge of it or it could be a situation where they are in denial with their own problems her. they look at it as a weakness.

camei went to rehab and out and made the same mistakes, i was accountable for that. i know the lifestyle changes that need to be made. at the beginning, it was very tough with people pointing fingers. you hurt my team or the media's writing all of this negative stuff. you threw away your career and you could have been this type of player. i was a people pleaser growing up. i got to a point where, you know what, i can live for them. i have to live for myself. i have a family, but i have to do this for myself first. if i'm willing to get clean and stay clean and change my surroundings, it will make those around me better and make them healthier. part of me doing the book was coming clean because i found out from so many times a beating myself down and going through so many struggles where keeping those secrets would make me sick.

beingic figure comfortable for the first time in 2011. this book is to hopefully help others. playing baseball and listening i can do half of that in my recovery by helping others. i will feel like my mission is conquest. >> back to my brother and sister, one of the things that i spent a lot of time doing over the years is to try to better understand why. i know it is an addiction, but why they made those choices. i am still not sure after all of these years that i quite get it. on why youent time made those choices? like anything else in life, he few can understand the why, there may be a chance to you can stay clean on the other side. >> you are right at that. i am still learning about myself even at my age now.

i was always told you are great and you are this in your that, but now you are dealing with a life issue, a disease. i talked with people who have more clean time than me and they are still trying to dissect this. why did it happen and where did it start? for me, it started at a young age pricking my dad's beer and liking it. i have -- at a young age drinking i guess beer and liking it. i have an addictive personality. once you get a date to to it, knowing that your medicine for that disease is going to meetings and having ace on surrendering people know how i feel is almost like you have cancer. your treatment is chemo. -for addicts, the treatment is going to meetings, changing the whole lifestyle. what kept me strong, my problem,

i wanted to keep the lifestyle. i had to accept who i am. i am not responsible for the disease i have, but i am accountable for my recovery. tavis: you have talked about this. you have been clean how long now? >> in march, two years. tavis: i have been doing this show for 10 years. as a part of this 10-year celebration, i have been asked a lot of questions about the 10 years, the ups and the dears -- the ups and the downs, questions about this 10-year journey. i was in a conversation the someone asked me about the moment that for me the

most in 10 years of doing the show. the moment you hurt me the most was having held the barge, the great singer -- having el de barge, the great singer. he sat in that chair and he was clean and sober. he had a new record out and it was climbing the charts. he was booked in all of the award shows. he was back and he was clean. satame on the show and he in a very chair and he told me he was clean and told me what he wanted to do. i kid you not. it was not even a year and he had crashed and burned again. it is a disease. when i heard about that, i just cried. i was so hoping that he would pull through that. what makes you so confident that you can stay this way the rest of your life?

>> i can be in the same position that he was if i let my guard down. this disease does not take a day off. i have been struggling with this for 20 years. i cannot take a day off. if i continue to do the things i do today tomorrow, i will be successful. i can't promise that i will stay clean and that i was stay with my sponsor and recognize my triggers and be honest with my true feelings -- you get to a point where you get sick and tired of living like that. i get some clean time and then i am comfortable and think that i can do this on my own but i get the same results. i have begun enough to say that. this is part of my life. everything starts with my recovery and god first. then everything takes place. otherwise, it is just a matter of time before i go down that road.

so i have to start out every day thanking god and then everything else comes after that. tavis: for all of the success you have had, it is amazing. de all the drama that el barge had with drugs, he is prolific with the hits he had as a songwriter and performer. the same thing with. good and -- with doc gooden. you were prolific. it speaks to how great you were even though you were addicted or enough time. how you,hat to ask with all the success you had, how do you not eat yourself up for the additional success that you could have had had you stayed clean? do you beat yourself up about that? >> i used to be myself up about that a lot.

, the the 1986 season expectations from the media became my expectations. if i had only three strikeouts, the first question is what happened? so then i go out and get 10 strikeouts. i lost the job -- i lost the fun. his job is supposed to be fun. if i hadn't been high, i could 300 wins.ad i got to a place where i said, when i was a kid, i never thought about any awards or the world series. nobody could have said that they could get me to be those things that i would be at 10 years old. so who am i to be myself up for this third i won every award any pitcher could possibly win i got in the mets hall of fame.

did and do asat i an excuse to destroy myself again. i have to celebrate those things i did do. tavis: had to baseball fans treat you these days when they see you? >> i wouldn't say it was as good as it was in the early 80s, but better than i expected. , now that is i had have come out with this book and i talked with schools and share my story, i think a respect you more as a person and that is all i can ask for. for you, aside from the awards and the owners, -- and the honors, what was the most fun for you? .e know the award you had in

>> being able to pitch and having my parents there watching me. for my dead, that was his dream and became my dream -- for my dad, that was his g-man it became my dream. perhaps my most enjoyable season where at shea stadium, at home, it almost felt like being in a concert and everybody is there to see you. i felt like it was my night. i wanted to go out and just totally dominate. i met so many of my idols when i was a kid. playing with the yankees as well. even though when you are with the mets, you're supposed to hate the yankees. but sharing their history is

some of my fondest moments. tavis: you mentioned one player who was an awfully good player, he gary sheffield. couple of other players you mentioned in the book. you can mention what you want to about the. -- about them. there is a story in the book that is somewhat funny to me. [laughter] tois sad what has happened lenny and he is incarcerated and it is sad. prior to going to rehab, i saw him in new york city and we had dinner together. there is a picture of myself and a couple of other people going to rehab. i hadn't talked to anybody. he said, you don't have to go to that place. there are going to will brainwash you.

a couple of weeks later, i was contacted about rehab. i was struggling with my diction. -- with my addiction. i talked with my older kids and to my mom about it because it would sure -- because i would share some dark moments. my mom said, i am all for it. i guess lenny found out through a mutual friend. when he got back to la, he had a couple of friends came on- site and one of the counselors said that lenny dykes is here to see you. we could have him as -- we could have him arrested. he came in and said, gear bag. weird -- get your bag. we are getting out of here. [laughter] tavis: he came to break you out at celebrity rehab. and i talked to dr. drew. he is incarcerated now. let lenny had some mental issues.

i wish he could have more help them being incarcerated. he was just trying to be a friend. we go way back to the minor leagues. fact: they missed the that some of these people have mental issues. it is more important to get that help them to lock them up but that is for another show. another person is darryl strawberry. i raise him because, fair or unfair, there are so many comparisons made. >> i think a lot of comparisons are right there. you have two young by players coming up at an early age with a lot of success and had of the same problems off the field. our relationship has been like brothers, a love-hate relationship. where we loveeek each other and we have a week or we have difficulties. -- where we have difficulties. we have known each other long enough to know that we are both

better than that. we should discuss things among ourselves when there's a problem rather than starting rumors or answering to rumors. i have a lot of respect for him. i wish them good health deep down, we both love each other. your dad is gone. your mom is still here. >> yes, what keeps her going is her grandkids and me staying healthy. i made a promise to myself, as long as my mom is here, she won't see me doing drugs and alcohol again. tavis: a proper commitment. i am honored to have you on this program. , he i logged onto the show said, thank you for having me. i said, no, it's the least i can do for letting me see you which. the book is called "doc: a memoir" by dwight gooden.

.ll the best are you sur, sir keep the faith. >> for more information on today's show, visit tavis smiley at pbs.org. tavis: hi, i'm tavis smiley. join me next time for a .onversation with richard hope ♪ it's a beautiful day and i can't stop myself from smiling ♪ ♪ i know there's no denying ♪

♪ >> and by contributions to your pbs station from viewers like you. thank you. >> be more. pbs.

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