>> the bay area has a tradition of diversity and tolerance but one of the least understood and misjudged segments of the society is the trance gender community. >> don't even know how to have a normal conversation with people who have known me for years. >> the challenges of being transgender straight ahead on "equal time." >> san jose state university you're watching "equal time" exploring new issues each week giving equal time to competing points of view. >> hello from the campus of san jose state university and welcome to this edition of "equal time." i'm your host journalism school

director bob rucker. imagine growing up as a man but always wishing you were a woman. or picture the turmoil of a little girl convinced she should have been a boy. these are the conflicts people face before making the decision to change 3awwzxñtheir gender. ashley report. >> i feel -- disconnected from myself. i don't even know how to have a normal conversation with people who have known me for years. >> this is a story about a group of human beings who have gone through what many consider a different life. >> just because we are different doesn't make us bad. >> it wasn't always easy to be different for caleb. >> it was so uncomfortable and

i started writing letters to family members telling them i just couldn't do this any more. and i didn't want to cause them pain but the pain i was feeling was just so great that i didn't know how to go on -- i didn't know what to do. >> caleb grew up as leah a beautiful blond california girl who first came out as a lesbian and realized that wasn't the whole story. >> to speak the words out loud and tell people that i'm caleb, nottoli uh, was the most challenging thing i've ever done -- the most terrifying thing i could imagine doing is to say out loud i'm trance gender. >> but the truth in-e insurances gated the process into freedom. leah under went testosterone injection -- impacting the body from energy levels, to mood, to

appetitage she decided to under go a vasectomy. >> i didn't like my self in the mirror or how bb>-wi felt when people called me by my name. >> after all the pain and suffering, caleb embraces his identity today. >> i am pleased to say i did see this as a blessing and i'm proud of who i am and i'm grateful i have been given this journey and it has taught me to be a more loving compassion at human being. and help others. >> i can honestly feel like this is the final frontier for the battle of social justice -- human right. >> when we come back we'll show you some of the resources available to transgender people in the bay area when "equal time" returns.

>> welcome back. a person who under goes treatment to become a member of the opposite sex needs support, the community -- all play an

important part. continuing coverage. >> i am mom to caleb zander who we started out 30 years together. >> when she found out about caleb's vasectomy it was in an abrupt way. >> i was with 8,000 happy people enjoying stand up and i got a text message saying that the surgery is done and everything went well and i cried. i cried i sobbed >> it took her a while but eventually she came to appreciate caleb's fortitude to become who he is. >> it must take a tremendous

amount of courage to go forth on a path like this. >> you don't know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. >> after our intervetchier east sent a voice memo because she wanted us to remember their relationship this way. >> what it all comes down to, i guess, is happiness. what do all parents really want the most for their children -- we just want them to have a happy life. >> some trance gender people say they felt different from as early as they can remember. >> absolutely i was born into the wrong body -- without a doubt. >> with that feeling, came the struggle of fitting into the culture gender -- they live outside society's very small box and is not easy or simple. >> looking aten genner air vance matters in the sense people have expectations of what a man needs to be or what

or a woman. >> many do not want to transition because of the amount of fear that is attached to it. >> if anything was difficult it would probably be related to my fear of being different separation in the world that i honestly think is one of the major issues that keeps us from moving forward and progressing as a society. it is going to take a whole review structuring of how we view ourselves on the record each other. >> they say in finding ones self freedom follows. >> taking a break from performing so i can retrain my voice while it starts changing and work up to that and everything. so here we go

>> yet even with this new found freedom, people on the outside acceptance. >> someone had to tell me something was wrong with me and it was like -- i don't think there's anything wrong with me -- this is everything that is right with me. i love life and i love to share my joy with with others to and good vibes to their life. my body is the way it is supposed to be. it is brave for anyone to step outside the bounds of society and go with what they want to do -- with what they need to do to feel alive. >> but even if they speak out to try to spread understanding, there are setbacks. this march an arizona

-- i feel it is a fundamental right to pee in peace. >> i don't know why the world is structured the way it is -- male and female bathrooms -- what do you do in a bathroom. >> there's nothing wrong with it -- it's okay to be who you are. this is not an easy journey but it is worth it to be true to yourself and live an agenetic life. >> when we come back we will sit with a panel of experts searching for solutions when "equal time" continues

>> welcome back to this edition of "equal time." our focus today is hetro normality and understanding the trance gender culture. let's meet our guest. >> my name is carol dolly president of trance gender san francisco and board member of trance march and i'm an audio engineer for stage hand crew in san francisco. >> i'm james -- i'm an out trance man in santa cruise.

>> i'm jamie -- vice president of san francisco -- educator and activity from san francisco, california. >> i'm ashley mad began -- graduate at san jose state university and i'm a reporter for "equal time." >> we thank you all for being here. this is long over due. what does trance gender lifestyle culture mean and what concerns do you have in the community. mean to you. >> i am going towards the norm ative gender presentation -- it is who i am. but it doesn't mean that i am the norm for everyone. it really is an individual thing. the transgender community and that is its investigateth and a little bit of its difficulties,

that is, it's a broad and diverse definition and as a community we have learned to be a lot more accepting and understanding of the differences because they are important to each individual. >> an understanding of who you are. >> i think the public is getting there where we understand the lives of the trance people -- the lives of the trance communities. it is necessary to make more of a buffier indication of transgender -- within the transgender community there are transgender people of phzvscolo with hearing deficits -- white -- hispanic transgender -- upper class, working class communities -- different experiences. there's also a difference between trance males and trance females and how all these play in. number one, we are here, we

have been here and we're successful and we're growing to that idea to address your question of people kind of understanding that there's nothing wrong with us. we're not someone that -- whose lives should be degraded -- or that we should be degraded. we're people and we're successful and we're organizing. >> can you share your life experience with the audience -- in a sense -- we need to understand what made you who you are. how do you define your self. >> i absolutely define my self as a man. i don't necessarily always fit into the trance male ideal in the sense that i'm incredibly norm ative. i have incredibly norm ative values. i have just always been masculine. i tried to pretend i would be feminine and it was horrible. it didn't work out well at all.

>> did it scare you that people weren't understanding who you were. >> not really scary -- i was angry about it. i didn't know what it was until i was about 15 and i started realizing i was in the wrong gender. >> was that injure experience carol. >> i always knew. the issue was really what i would lose if i actually went ahead and did this. and the fear of losing family, friends, career, everything. and also what we knew about the transgender community and what was livable. i started looking at if i do this how will i live. back in the day the only role model you saw in the trance gender community were fetish ors and that wasn't what i thought life should be so i held back for a very long time but as i started watching the community grow and come out and be more public and seeing more

people live authentic real lives hold down jobs and be happy -- that's when i realized it could be done -- that's what i did. >> as the trance community grows our lives get better and i think that ñykug0jfilters dow regional cities. have trance health coverage. we have trance people appointed to city commissions. we are very visible in the city with the law center, power initiative -- tgsf -- a lot of for the betterment and for the visibility of us and it gets better. however, there is that real fear that still exists even in san francisco -- going out and breaking the idea of people's ideas of the gender binary. there's male and female to a

lot of people's ideas and within this umbrella of transgender you have trueness non conforming people -- people going against a gender norm and that makes a lot of people very uncomfortable for reasons maybe they are dealing with their own internal drama -- how they are feeling in their sexuality or their ideas of how they want to present themselves and it can hurt. >> the whole idea for this program is information. >> i appreciate you are having this program because we need to show people that there are proud people who are employed and successful. >> ashley why did you want to do this. zsaying

gender binary system -- what is gender -- it is a story that needs to be told -- a story of acceptance -- i find it fascinating. i am really excited to be here and be doing this. you were talking with the cowyi binary -- about the binary system. what is one where you see change in terms of acceptance. >> there's a number of land mark cases that just happened that gave people protection -- trance gender people -- we have state bathroom laws in san francisco and in california. california has been cutting edge with the help of people who organize for political change -- a lot of state representatives and board of supervisors. we have real legislative change happening in the world that is

protecting us. i say protecting us because there is still a real threat of when you don't conform to the binery. the threat -- me -- personally -- going outside and fearing, i may die through assault today -- or murder -- verbal threats that absorb -- me particularly -- whether walking out into the world. there's a real threat of physical violence that i think is changing with our visibility with someone on america's top model -- bono -- there's real change happen. >> has it been your experience the concern about danger. >> absolutely. i live in west oakland and interestingly enough 3]sm8i fee safer in west oakland in an african-american community than i do in white society

they know what i -- that i understand what it is like for them to be judged a second ay i look that people on the phone -- service people who decide based on their understanding of gender -- norm ative gender -- that i'm just a gay guy in dress -- and continue to refer to me as he or sir. usually in a public season -s setting do i let him continue to misgender me or what i should do -- it is combative. normally what we see in the media is we are either gay men in drag or straight men

dressing up and being pettish -- fetish -- sexual imaginary and sexual preference and activity but gender and trance sexualism have nothing to do with my sex life. it is all about who i am. >> what you are presenting is wonderful. let me ask james -- when we have new people looking at this program thinking i might be able to relate. i may want to contact some of these organizations but i'm fearful. can i trust them. did you go through something like that. >> i did. there was a group in santa cruise -- it was around when i considered it is time to start the transition. i reached out to a guy in the group. my original plans were to take off and transition somewhere else and come back and try and az;ú

meeting other people it was a lot easier to have the support network and have people who have my back. i talked to my parents and siblings. >> then you get to the point where you make a decision about what you are going to do next. >> it is a long process. it is a process. there's so much voluntary offed. people will be watching this right now and they will be listening to this and maybe some of them are still closeted, not out -- just transitioning but the point is you need to reach out to somebody and there's a lot of organizations that will help you. >> what about the money aspect. >> it is very expensive. if you choose to have certain surgeries -- a lot of them currently are not covered by medical plans -- it is a lot of out of the pocket expense --

facial surgeries, takal shaves, maybe nose jobs -- a lot of surgical costs. as well as you might need a whole new ward robe -- you may have lost your job or been kicked out -- you be trying to survive -- where you are going to get your food -- but for someone who has jobs that can provide medical -- there is still clothes and make up. >> you said something important -- families, understanding the child. how do you talk to a family to help them understand this individual wants to do this and they need your love and support. >> it is rough. i have a daughter who i basically put off the decision to transition until she was 18 which i did

when i did, i was deathly afraid that my daughter would reject me and it is -- but the thing about being trance sexual and embracing your self that no matter how much you are going to lose you know you have to do it the thing too, is that everything that you fear is mostly in your head and the proof of your family's true love you will find out when you come up you really do >> is that true for you too >> yeah it got to a point that i didn't care if i was going to lose anything. it became more important for me to be true to my self the way that i reasoned it in my mind is that if all else fails i will always have my self and i might as well love my self. >> on that note -- just a broad question, did you have a moment of knowing -- like a moment in

your life that you just knew and what was that experience like for you -- or was it a series of moments. >> when i knew it was time to turn. >> yeah when you knew. >> i set up a consultation with a doctor to start looking at hormones and we had the initial consultation, i had blood work done and i came in another time to discuss when i would like to start and she showed me the paper of changes i could expect and risks i could anticipate and for me to sign it and it was right when i was looking at the paper -- i hadn't told my mom yet it was just -- i'm starting right now. this is what is going to happen. so it was when i signed the paper work >> i had been struggling with it for a long time denying i was a woman in a man's body and

tried to convince my self i was just a guy who liked to dress up. and i just could never make that happen and there was litter hal -- literally one point of going back to being a cross dressing male and the realization that i could not go back to that. it is just so gut wrenching and relieving at the same time -- just accepting the fact, i can't deny it any more. i played a mind game with my self -- i need to answer this question )2qffam i a cross dres male or trance sexual -- the truth is i knew it. >> i think all of us have in our own lives some moment of truth -- what was your moment of truth like. >> for me i knew how i felt but

i wasn't able to understand it for a very long time. i think what trance people call transition qz"r3by-- it happens time. but a common thread among every trance sexual person who transitions is that this is our own option really. it is this option or an option that is not such a great option for those that want to enjoy life and percent eff ear and strive for who they really are. and that diagnose we had of gender disorder -- it is now under going gender disforria -- is the diagnose now. the idea is we don't have a disorder but the idea -- i context the feeling of a woman born in a man's body and how that really feels.

when you look in a mirror and how that feels -- when you feel ave one other option. the courage it takes when i see an out trance person -- the courage to get where all of us are right now -- such a sense of pride for me and my community. but there was a point in my life -- am i going to transition and live my authentic life or am i not going to continue. >> the thing i think about people -- they are very curious in life. sometimes they are afraid to go up to someone. would students feel like they can talk about this with someone or with they just hold back. how would you describe that. >> i think it depends on your sense of openness and your

sense of education in terms of knowing. >> quickly -- that's okay -- it is okay for people to ask questions very quickly. >> i think it is okay for people to ask questions and definitely but no one has the right to ask what's in your pants or an uncomfortable person -- we have a right to say i appreciate your question but i won't answer that. >> i want to thank you for joining us. come back for another edition of "equal time"

♪ [male #1] we are on a roadtrip. [female #1] to stop off at different cities. [male #2] and talk to inspiring people. [female #1] did you have this space in mind, ever? [bob] no, not at al. i didn't have space in mind until i start building it. but i've always wanted to build a fantasy world. [male #2] more and more in this conversation, i'm getting content with not knowing exactly where i am in my life. [male #3] i figure if you're not lost, you're not much of an explorer. [male #4] commit, and then figure it out. because you cant get anywhere uns you commit to something. [female narrator #1] roadtrip nation would like to thank the college board for supporting this series. the college board: connect to college success. [male narrator #1] this public television series is supported by the university of phoenix foundation.