>> funding for "to the contrary" provided by: the cornell douglas foundation committed to encouraging stewardship of the environment, land conservation, watershed protection and eliminating harmful chemicals. additional funding provided by: the colcom foundation. the wallace genetic foundation the e. rhodes and leona b. carpenter foundation. and by the charles a. frueauff foundation. >> this week on "to the contrary" first some startling discoveries

about men and rape. then, parents give adoptive children to strangers online. behind the headlines: having only one child may have many advantages. hello, i'm bonnie erbe. welcome to "to the contrary," a discussion of news and social trends from diverse perspectives. i first, global rape concerns. across the globe concerned citizens are calling on judicial systems to do more to stop rape. in india the death penalty for four men convicted this week of brutally beating and raping a woman on a bus. she died two weeks later. as a result of the inter national uproar that

followed, the indian government passed a law approving the death penalty. in the u.s., a naval academy case drew indignation after defense attorneys asked the victim vulgar sexual questions. and a judge in montana was criticized and apologized for saying an underage rape victim was fully in control of her situation. this week comes a shocking u.n. survey of men and rape in asia. almost one in four men in six asian or asian-pacific countries admitted to raping one or more women, about half, while they were still teenagers. many men surveyed said they believed they had a right to control women's bodies. rates of rape are much higher in violence- and war-torn societies such as papua new guinea where civil war raged for more than a decade. so kim gandy is the asian study applicable to men in the united states?

>> in terms of nrs,ewer u.s. men commit rape. but of those who do rape the vast majority of themre repeat rapists committing dozens even hundreds in a lifetime. >> one of the biggest distinction between united states and those asian pacific and african an middle eastern countries is that women in those countries are still treated as property. where as here in the states women have empowerment. >> i think the biggest issue to take away there is still violence against women regardless of the economic status of the country whether you're third world or developed it's still an issue. >> this is an issue of gender because over there i feel their culture says i can do that because she dressed a certain way or she's a woman she's lesser than me. >> also a lot of these -- let's go through the survey country by country because there were six countries the worst was 66% of men said that they had raped

someone, usually a partner. and somebody while they were still teenagers the men were still teenagers. was papua new guinea w a war zone for ten years when the people who are now answering those questions would have been children. but i wonder about places like washington, d.c., chicago, new york city, places with a lot of gun violence. would those kinds -- would that spur that kind of violence would that spur that thinking among american men? >> we do know that rape is a crime of power and control and violence. it's not a sexual crime. whenever you have extraordinary level of violence it's likely to increase sexual violence as well as domestic violence. >> i thought it was interesting that the study they didn't use the term "rape" i guess hen they interviewed the men they talked about, have you forced yourself

on women. >> they didn't use the term rape. >> and they were -- yeah, i think that in their minds unfortunately in those countries men believe it's okay because they had the power. >> i think we should take pause see what is happening within our own military brass the whole legislation that has been put forward saying we need to protect women in the military because it is a problem. and we can have in our high echelons of power where people are -- women are feeling vulnerable that means something that hour society actually needs to address and address it seriously. >> part of this, too, part of this discussion is about judicial systems how they respond you picked up the perfect example of changing senator gillebrand wants to move the prosecutorial powers away from the chain of command and give them to specialists in the jag who are trained to do these kinds of things. do we need more from our judicial system to protect super

bowl. >> the laws are on the books, it's a matter of enforcement. we need to make sure that women feel not afraid to come forward, that is part of the problem. they are afraid if they come forward they're going to be retaliation, retribution from the fern who did it to me or go to the system where i'm note going to get the respect and have my case tried properly. there are number of things that need to be looked at not necessarily changing the laws but making sure they're enforced properly. >> and you're an asian-american, your perspective on this is really important to me. >> my home of india is such a change as to what happened this past december. almost a year ago, the judicial system over there has come out saying these more men are sentenced to death for a men who took parcel in a gang rape are now meeting a sentence of death that means something over there. judicial reform is happening here we're lucky that we make great strides in india it certainly concerning that people would still say, gosh, political move that this judge came down

that these four men deserve death. it's a great thing, developments over there, sad as they are there is change happening. >> do you think india is -- i can't and china -- india was not part of the survey, are coming along economically to the point where they're rivals with the united states to become the world's econo power why are we not seeing more advancement in terms of cultural values about women. >> with the economic freedom you would think there would be greater power in the hands of women. those are who working in the workforce and greater numbers in countries like india and china a great thing to see. but these are culturally embedded norms that is going to take a long time to cake, going to take generations to change. it's change certainly with folks like my parents who i am grated here and seen a different system, certain things are just not being representable what they did to that girl to india. she had a male friend with her.

>> her fiance. >> she was taken advantage of with a rod. >> then this week, this past week a 7-year-old -- she did die from her injuries. we certainly have the death penalty should india now passed it that shocked the conscience in india, should we be using the death penalty for rape? >> we don't have the death penalty for rape in this country any longer. >> we did? >> absolutely. >> when? >> when i was a prosecutor in louisiana we had death penalty for rape. it was overturned by the supreme court. but in this case it was a rape that ended in murder. >> so. this was a murder. >> exactly. but absent murder should we go back to having rape -- obviously the supreme court has it --

should states still be trying to pass death penalty for rape? >> i think what we need to do have broader conversation with the public and basically making sure there there is safe environment for women to come out that the victim isn't the one that is put on trial. when you go deep in to immigrant communities they will most oftentimes whether they're asian, latino, what have you women and children won't report cases of abuse because they're afraid to call the authorities because they don't have any protection against the law. when you look at what happened in india the reason that this went to trial so quickly and that they were -- wasn't because india but it was international incident. and by shedding light on that injustice that vocalization that happened online so quickly all of a sudden put a light on what was happening, it was one of many unfortunately cases. but more importantly the government realized theyed that to modernize themselves they want to compete globally.

>> all right. let us know what you think. please follow me on twitter @bonnieerbe. from rape to adoption. an investigation this week by nbc news and reuters reveals a sordid but apparently growing practice of adoptive parents using the internet to re-home children they've adopted in the u.s. but more often overseas whom they regret adopting. yes, we said "re-homing,"--a term usually used by pet owners seeking new homes for their pets. the investigation found there is little if any oversight and many times children are left with abusive adults who use the adoption as a way to claim tax deductions or other government benefits. the adoptive parents say without post-adoption services this is their only way out of a bad situation. some of the website groups, on yahoo for example, have been taken down, but not all of them. so, maria teresa kumar, how can

you adopt a child from a foreign country, some of them were u.s. adoptions, and then just pass it off when the adoption doesn't work out? >> not only pass it off but pass off under the radar without any government oversight. of what happens to this child. with some of the background that i was reading i was surprised that one of the adoptive parents, they don't come with a pan wall. well, we know that. but -- >> that's a line when cher said to her daughter, you didn't come with a book. you didn't come with instructions. >> shocking, parenthood doesn't. if anything, when you put a child in to a home it means that parents need to be screened more vigorously and be matched up properly with a child the fact that we're not doing that we're failing thee kids. >> this is absolutely despicable. coming from someone who is an

adopte, the monitoring needs to happen but the problem is when you internationally adopt versus locally or domestically adopt the rules are different. once you bring that child in to the state the international country wipes the hands, they're done there. is no way to monitor. we don't know as society who is bringing what child in until they start going to school and get registered for shots and things. it's horrible. i don't know necessarily if we need more rules we need to monitoring, but we need to find some type of system where when these kids leave the countries that we know that they're safe not being traded. >> i think we need more resources, even more rules because it's not just adoptive parents that have problem with kids that are out of control for whatever reason, usually mental health reason. don't know ha to do with them or

how to deal with. there really aren't resources either for adoptive parents or natural parents where there are kids who need mental health assistance and there aren't enough resources. >> and countries like china, guatemala and russia started pulling back on u.s. adoptions, others have a lot of the stans, afghanistan, et cetera, years ago started pulling back. but usually a lot of these kids that come from foreign countries have been in foreanages which is something we don't do here we put them in foster care. that's an avenue for trouble a. lot of the russian kids apparently, the parents couldn't take care of them because there was a huge problem with alcoholism. is it really such a good idea to allow foreign adoptions? >> i really think restricting foreign adoptions isn't fair f. folks desire to have a child from another part of the world by all means see that we have

the freedom. we shouldn't punish everyone for some bad actor. i agree, resources need to be there. whether you're adopting from domestically or from abroad i think there should be thinlice s say adoptive foster parents to do their job as parents better. it helps society, helps all of us. >> by the way this reuters nbc news investigation found 261 cases of this over five years. 50 children a year still way too much. on the other hand there are tens of thousands of international adoptions in this country every year. >> what i found interesting is the fact that the money that spent to bring children from international adoption is quite costly. it can be anywhere from $25,000. i think russia $50,000 at this low end. my question, my wondering if you spending that much resources on bringing the child when you bring the child here you find

that there are problems why aren't you willing to give the resource as parent to fix the problem. there's a disconnect. my concern these people want a baby, but then when it's not perfect, i can't handle it, we need to address that issue that as you said resources and showing parents that they can have the help they need. >> but adoptive age enensees do they have more of burred tone pre-inform americans to go overseas because they can't find children here adopting a child here to frequently much more expensive than that. do they have duty to say, look, this kid -- the birth mother was alcoholic and that's why he/she was given up you have to deal with x, z. >> the less problems that they will have or connection to make a choice have resources they need in order to address the issues. what was shocking was that this router report when they confronted one of these adoption agencies they had no idea this

was happening. to me that is a bit shocking that means that you don't understand the underground environment, the black market that is being created that they are very much a part of. >> so, what's the solution to that? should the adoption agencies be required to stay in touch with the family ten years out? >> i think that if you're doing a trans-- not be completely calculated. but if you're doing a transaction of $50,000 you have incentive to have the child being properly being taken care of making sure that the parents have resources whether it's in the community or what have you to make sure adjusting properly. while you can blame a lot on the child it could also be the parents that maybe weren't ready for the process as well. >> all right. behind the headlines: only children. children without siblings are sometimes thought to be egotistical, bossy, or lonely. but a new book argues having one child can be a good thing. >> i was amazed at how much erroneous information there is

out there. and also how much i think that erroneous information tends to >> an only child is a fairly new concept in human history. as society has evolved, the birthrate has sharply declined. now, the average family has two children. one quarter have only one child. just more than two decades ago that figure was a mere 10% of families. some couples have one child as an environmental statement. some are experienced about the cost of raising children. others believe one child is better for parents and for the child >> only children do tend to have higher achievement motivation, and they tend to not be as lonely as people think. we tend to have higher intelligence. i say we because i'm an only child and i'm sure i really sound like one saying "we have

higher intelligence," but you know, the precocious bit is true. >> this could result from greater parental attention and resources focused on one child. sandler says due to social policies, parents have little time and energy to raise many children. >> i did a lot of reporting in europe when i was researching the book and it is amazing to go over there and listen to people talk about their lives, which you know, parenting is still hard over there. but when you have great daycare until six o'clock in the evening and health care covered, and decent college paid for, it's a very, very different struggle. a lot of women said this is too tough, i'm not doing this, and basically went on birth strike. and lawmakers paid attention and said we have to reconcile this conflict between parenting and work or no one is going to want to be a parent.

despite policy differences americans still do not see single child families as the optimal structure. many people are afraid that an only child will grow up to be lonely. an ohio state university study found that only children had more trouble finding friends in kindergarten. but sandler cites research that alone time may be in fact comforting for only children. >> when we see a child alone, assume that there's an experience of loneliness. it's a visceral response we tend to have. we tend not to think, "oh, you could be perfectly happy alone." you could be enjoying your time on your own. it's interesting that we always equate being alone with loneliness when for a lot of people solitude is a very, very valuable experience. >> whether correct or incorrect, stigma towards having only one child remains. >> all i'm trying to do is put some better information out there and help people not vilify

this choice quite as much. >> do they vilify it, darlene kennedy. >> i think sometimes they do. i grew up as an only child, that being said i had an extended family, cows ins, friends, things like that. there's nothing wrong with being an only child she didn't kiss cuss it on tape but one of the concerns or problems that i ran across as only child dealing with aged parents. mother who died of terminal cancer, father who hat alzheimer's i had no one to turn to say i need help with mom and dad. there are issues that are concerns for only children, but the other side of that is, i'm glad that my parents didn't say, well, we got to adopt another kid so you're not alone when we die. that's just the wrong attitude. >> when you think about what is the biggest thing, stress. not enough time and attention from the parents.

too much work, having to get done. it really makes more sense unless one or both parents are going to stay home full time to have an only child, to have one child. >> i remember well when i was pregnant with my second child, friends saying, well, one is one and two is ten. never truer words were spoken. i think i'm only one here who doesn't have a child. i think when it comes my time what's happening that i'm concerned about my career i'm thinking to myself how am i going to juggle it. i've seen my mom do it, i'm one of three. it was great way to grow up then again i look at myself i'm like, can i even handle one? i may go childless, i may have one. the days of lonely only are over. women can do what they want if it's too much stress don't do it. just not something you want, don't do it. just don't listen to society on this one.

>> i am a mother of one. i'm about to have two. that was shocking for me. >> sorry. >> i've heard it. one of those moments where it's a very personal decision. but i do think that what the author pointed out is that the support system that they do have from europe in order to make sure that the parent is successful, to make sure that the children also getting the type of nutrition whether it's school and education so that family as unit is surviving that more than surviving they are giving back to the economy. those are really tough questions that we don't like to have around the table when we're talking about what it means of having extended family. the more that we look at what other countries are doing i think we can learn from them. >> europe, first of all, just one difference. europe because women are having fewer children, it's an aging society. we with igratn arewin we don't have many children, our fertility rate is low but because of immigration a

million, two million, sometimes three million a year including illegal immigration we are -- >> that's the -- >> i'm glad that you bring that up. if you were to take out immigrants and their children we'd have declining population very similar to europe. one of the reasons that europe is at economic stand still they don't have young workers, that productivity that they need. and immigrants here actually do. in between 2000 and 2010 close to 90% of all births were actually hispanics. and basically saying they are the next generation of americans but are we making sure that we're providing them with the education and access that other generations have enjoyed. that's a different topic. >> what about the fact that it's called -- you were an only child, you had an only child. why not just say one child. >> society i think sometimes we need to back off a little bit with the labeling and stigma.

i commend women who make the decision, i won't have children, i don't want to have children, whatever the case may be whether where as other people want to have children. that should be their choice. we shouldn't say well you are not a good woman or good wife because you haven't brought children in. that's not what makes you who you are. that family an example in any way? >> i don't know that i would use -- we all know what happened there in the oval office. you have a point there. chelsea has turned out well adjusted. the first family focused were able to go out get their dream. i think chelsea was able to achieve her's. the thing is that we have technology now. we have so much in the world around us to make us feel comforted. that lobely only child again is

not -- he or she is no locker lonely you have so many parenting things in place. parenting only hams at home. but you have things in society to make one feel that they can go out and feel as an individual even if you're one of three like me o be a very group type person where you like big family and cousins. >> all right. that's it for this edition of "to the contrary." please follow me on twitter at bonnie erbe and at to the contrary and visit our website. pbs.org/tothecontrary where the discussion continues. whether you agree or think, to the contrary, please join us next time.

>> funding for "to the contrary" provided by: the cornell douglas foundation committed to encouraging stewardship of the environment, land conservation, watershed protection and eliminating harmful chemicals. additional funding provided by: the colcom foundation. the wallace genetic foundation the e. rhodes and leona b. carpenter foundation. and by the charles a. frueauff foundation. for a transcript or to see an online version of this episode of "to the contrary" please visit our pbs website at www.pbs.org/tothecontrary.