don't keep talking about it, that's all. if you can't talk intelligent about the thing, then don't talk about it at all! nice dinner. all i know is, what's right is right. daddy, shh! don't shush me. i'm talking to your mother here. this whole thing is your mother's fault. you understand that, edith? this is your fault. oh, daddy, how could it be ma's fault? because the kitchen is her department. she's responsible for everything that goes on in the kitchen. ain't that right, edith? yeah, that's right, archie. that's why it's your fault that the refrigerator's busted. but i wasn't anywhere near it when it broke. that's my whole point, edith. you should have been near it to keep an eye on it. and you, meathead, what the hell kind of a restaurant is this you brung us into? one of them everything-you-can- throw-up-for-60 joints? archie, this happens to be a nice french restaurant. ugh.

ugh. the gay "paree," ma. edith: oh! aw, gay, gay, gay. what'd you do, bring us into a fag hangout? daddy, it's gay as in "happy." i know that. we thought you'd like this place. what would make you think that? it's cheap. funny. come on, daddy, relax and enjoy it. how can i relax and enjoy anything after what happened tonight? it's still got me shaking, edith. look at that. oh, my. i could have been hurt back there at the house. maybe i could have been killed. from what? from that guy back there with the knife. i never saw a guy with a knife. you never saw no guy with a knife? then the part of your brain that works your eyes is burnt out. i'm telling you that guy had a knife. i'm telling you he didn't. wait a minute. you can't both be right. one of you has got to be wrong. yeah, him. yeah, him. all i know is, i come home tonight expecting a nice, quiet, peaceful evening.

mad at the world. you're telling me when i came in the door tonight, i was mad at the world? that's right. i remember exactly what happened. gloria and i were sitting on the couch and you came storming through the door. [slams] [growling] [roaring] hi, arch. hi, daddy. [roaring] get away from gloria! archie: you're hurting her. i just had my arm around her. you're all over her all the time. if the cops ever want your fingerprints, all they got to do is process her! i'm sorry if our behavior aggravates you. we won't do it anymore. that's right, daddy. we mean no disrespect. [roaring] you don't know what you mean! where's your mother? edith! edith! hello, archie! how was your day? [roaring] oh, that's nice. [roaring] supper on the table.

where's the supper on the table?! supper on the table! supper on the table! but, archie, we're gonna eat out tonight. no, we ain't gonna eat out tonight! daddy, there isn't any supper. why ain't there no supper on the table? all the food is spoiled. the refrigerator's on the blink again. the refrigerator's on the blink again? it ain't got no right to be on the blink again. it's only 15 years old! if it's on the blink again, it's your fault! you're opening it and closing it all the time to feed your face! you dumb, meatheaded, unemployed, oversexed pinko professor of polack, you! those are not very kind things to say... but i'll try to do better. i'll try to do better too, daddy. archie: oh, you got to tell lies a whole lot better than that, meathead, if you expect anybody to believe you. now, i'll tell youse all the way it was with me tonight.

feeling good, happy as a clam, expecting to spend a nice, quiet evening in the bosom of my family. good evening, everybody. hello, michael. hello, gloria. both: hello. oh, kissing again, huh? that's nice. i believe young people should kiss every chance they get. where's your mother? edith, dear. oh, edith, dear. edith: yeah, what is it? may i know what we're having for supper tonight? nothing! oh, did she say nothing? the refrigerator's broken. oh, the refrigerator's broken. ain't that a shame?

out of that old box. hey! hey! what kind of a dirty crack is that? what did i say, michael? you insulted my husband! well, i hope not. you're saying i'm the one that broke the refrigerator! well, i'm not the only one that uses it, you know! i'm not the only one who eats around here, you know! you eat 10 times as much as i do, so don't go making dirty cracks like that! michael's right, daddy. he's right! he's always right! did you hear me? he's always right! well, of course he is. he's a college boy. i think you two are taking me up wrong. i realize that there are four people using the refrigerator in this house, and one of them's a student who's doing brainwork and needs all the food he can eat, and he's welcome to it. it's delightful to have a student in the house. michael: you never said that.

around the house"? you didn't say that at all, daddy. oh, and i suppose you never picked on that repairman and his uncle tom of a helper? uncle tom? what's uncle tom? archie, an uncle tom is a black guy who lets guys like you walk all over him, which is exactly what you did from the minute they came in! the doorbell rang, and you said... [howling] i'll get that! get away from the door! mr. bunker? that's right, and don't stand there lounging out on the stoop. i ain't paying you for that. come on in and start work. right you are, mr. bunker. come on in, jack. what? who are you? i's the repairman's helper, sir. you're a helper, huh? what do you do, help run up the bills? yassah! yassah! oh, yassah, yassah, yassah, yassah!

it's a beautiful night, ain't it, sir? no, it's lousy. the icebox is broke. all right, what time you got starting here? uh, 6:11. i'm sympathizing my watch with yours. you know what i mean? you mean, you're worried you won't get a fair shake on the time? i mean, there ain't no use in your trying to stretch out the job, because i know exactly when you begun. okay, mr. bunker. got the tools, jack? tools? oh, yeah, the tools! i'll go get them outs the truck whilst you sizing up the job. aw, look at this. it's going to take all night long. it's going to cost me an arm and a leg here! he forgot the tools because between his left ear and his right ear, they forgot to put his brains! that's not a very nice thing to say, archie. you don't like the things i say? then pack your bags and am-scray! michael, please don't irritate daddy like that. you're right, gloria.

i apologize. can't we be friends? archie: hold it there. what do you mean, hold it? this here story you're telling is cockeyed. them two repair guys at the house is the exact opposite of what you say, and i ought to know. i was the first guy that seen them. [doorbell rings] oh, i'll get that, edith, darling. don't disturb yourself. are you bunker? yes, i am, and whom are you, may i ask? i come to fix your icebox. oh, how nice of you to come so quick. won't you step inside? come on in, jack. oh, you got a helper with you, huh?

beautiful. your dreams evolve, and with committed support, they thrive. american family insurance. hey dad! how 'bout this one? what's it rated? t nice try. hey. try this one. and i think your dad will go for it. for more info, there's a rating search app. and you can set parental controls at home alright thanks. i'll check that out. let's see if you can beat your old man at this one. game on.

[female narrator] check the ratings. because some games are for kids. some aren't.

i know what i know. that guy was one of them black-power mau-maus armed to the teeth. come on, arch, he wasn't armed. he was armed. he had a knife a foot long. it was as sharp as a razor. you're lying. i ain't lying. i know what i seen, and i can also see right inside them guys. i know what i'm talking about, but what's the sense in talking to you? you don't believe nothing i say. you don't believe nothing unless you read it in one of them pinko left-wing magazines. you're the one who's wrong. you're wrong about everything that happened tonight. i ain't wrong! shh! i was just like a perfect gentleman. i opened up that door, and that colored guy walked in and stepped all over me. hey, what you trying to do, man, freeze a dude to death out here? oh, no, i'm sorry. i know it gets cold out there on the stoop. come right in. please, come right in. uh, now, let me see, gentlemen, is the time, what, 6:30? what do you mean, 6:30?

you're trying to do us out of 20 minutes' time. no, no, i beg your pardon. my watch is fast. oh, sure. you hear that, jackie? they're all alike. all trying to get something for nothing. well, he gets nothing from us, man. you best tell the dude this house call gonna cost him 32 bills, for openers. and 16 bucks for every five minutes after the half-hour. very reasonable. glad you see it our way. you got the tools, jackie? oh, yeah, i'll go get the tools. [muttering] and i'm going to take my time getting them. oh, sure, sure. no rush, no rush at all there. no rush at all. well, while we're waiting, i might as well make myself comfortable. oh, certainly, certainly. sit down. take a load off your feet here, i always say. and your helper's pretty smart too. you know, never take the tools off the truck until you're ready to work. hey, what kind of a racial crack is that?

yes, you did, and don't do it again. michael, i hate to disagree with you, but i don't think i made no racial crack. don't you yell at my husband like that! now, edith, edith, that's a father's job. now, let me take over here. aw, don't cry, honey. i made you feel bad, huh? what'd i do to you? you want to know what you did? i'll tell you what you did. you yelled at my husband, you monster! oh... gee, i'm awful sorry i upset your husband. how can i make it up to you? you tell him you're sorry! all right, i'll do that right now. wait here. gee, michael, i'm awful sorry, and i apologize. okay, but watch it! i will. did you hear what he said? you watch it! i will. all right, i'm going upstairs to get ready now, so you can take us to our favorite restaurant!

well, edith, don't you think it's about time we should be showing our guest here where to start work? jack: hey, hey, hey! you trying to rush us? no, no, no, no, no, no! take all the time in the world. come on, jack, let's get it over with. my wife pulled the refrigerator out from the wall there to make it easy for you. hey, hey! whoa! gee. in there. hey! will you look at this antique? an old freeze king. must have delivered that in a horse and wagon. hey, whitey! did it come in a horse and wagon? i love to be kidded by youse guys, but, uh... do you think maybe you could start working on the refrigerator there? what did you say? i don't remember. michael: of course you don't remember, because it was nothing like that. you were very rough on those guys.

and what's the thanks i get? the colored guy threatens me with a knife. he never threatened you. that uncle tom didn't even have a knife. before it broke down, was the light working, mrs. bunker? well, off and on. how do you mean? well, on when i opened the door... and off when i closed it. edith, edith, get away from here, will you? pal, whenever you talk to her, you're going to lose money, because i'm deducting all conversation time here! [chewing loudly] what is that noise i hear? the noise of an apple. what are you doing eating an apple on working time? oh, mr. bunker, we ain't had a meal break all day. please, let me eat.

oh, i didn't mean nothing. i just trying to get along. give me a hand here, will you, jack? oh, yeah. excuse me, sir. look out! what you doing there with the fruit? you appled all over my shirt! oh, uh, i sorry, sir. hey, you nut! you ain't supposed to touch a white person'slothes with a white person in them. archie: i never said no such thing. you're crazy. you're letting your imagination run rancid. i don't see what's so wrong with the man wanting to eat an apple. the man wasn't really hungry. don't you understand? he was just doing that to waste time. now, if youse will all listen to me, i'll tell you the way it really went. [chewing] what's that noise i hear? ah, having a little snack for yourself, huh? yeah, i'm having a little snack, and, uh, you don't mind if i have

no. eat, eat, eat. jack, it looks like a simple wire job. man, you called us just in time. you got to watch out for them old raggedy wires, you know, because you touch them and, like, zzt! you a fried man, man. yeah, well, uh, do you have to keep waving that thing around? hey, don't be telling me what to do, man. no, no, no, i'll leave everything up to you. you know what, man? this chump here tightens my jaws. oh, uh-- what? oh, nothing, except, no, no, it was just a little apple on my shirt, which is always nice. and what is that supposed to mean? ah... forget it, pal. let's get the job done and blow. oh, no, man. you know something? you irritate me.

and i'll learn how to improve myself. michael: you're crazy! you are crazy! you never talked that rational in your life. i don't talk rational because i make sense. ma, you were there. did jack really pull a knife on daddy? well, kind of yes and no. of course he didn't. of course he did! did not! wait a minute. i want to find out from ma what really happened. oh, jeez, that's all we need, a dingbat's-eye view. go on, ma. well, now, let's see. i remember jack was eating an apple, and he wanted to know if archie wanted some. you want a piece of my apple, mr. bunker? no, i hate apple pieces. and don't be waving that shiv around there, will you? that's dangerous. what, this little thing? that's right, that little thing.

they killed sid caesar with a bunch of them. you're eating an apple on the job, anyhow. we got to eat on the run in this job, mr. bunker. we've been so busy today, we haven't en had time to go to the john. oh, well, stay busy, because you can't use our john. it's broke. oh, archie, i was just upstairs-- [mouthing] shut up! jack, will you give me a hand here? yeah, sure. excuse me, sir. hey, watch where you're going. look what you done there. you got apple all over the front of my shirt. oh, i'm very sorry, sir. i was just trying to get by. sorry don't help me, boy. now i got to change the shirt. hey, i don't like that. you don't like what? you called me boy. i'm not a boy. i'm a man. well, all right, you're a man. i'm a man too. jeez, i don't go around making a point of it.

yeah, well, all right-- hey, listen! i got an idea. i don't think you guys have to work on this job anymore. why don't you just pack up your tools, and you can go? well, we're almost finished. all we have to do is fix the loose wire. no, no, no, no, i got a better idea. just let it hang there. just let it hang. pack up your tools and leave. you mean you want us to go? you want me to spell it out for you? l-e-e-v. leave. okay, it's your money, mr. bunker. pack it up, jack. right. i still have to charge you for a house call, $18. oh, sure, sure, well, i expected that. here we are, one, two, three, and eight, and 10 is 18, all set. goodbye, lady, and good luck. bye, ma'am. bye, and thank you. archie: yeah, thanks a million. arch, what are you thanking them for? you just spent 18 bucks for nothing. for nothing? no, no. for that 18 bucks, he showed me where the loose wire is here. see? that's all i have to know.

by fixing up that loose wire myself, huh? arch, i don't know. i don't think you should do that. will you keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open, and maybe you'll learn something. michael: i don't think you should have done that. and now it's going to cost you even more when another repairman has to come tomorrow. don't blame me, little girl. it ain't my fault. it's your mother's fault. and you, edith, that story you was telling here. that ain't the truth. oh, yeah, honest, archie. that's the way it really happened. oh, wait a second, ma, not quite. remember, jack didn't really have a knife. what are you talking about? he had a big switchblade, one of them harlem gang knives. did he, ma? well, i guess your father knows what they call them. you're damn right i know.

i picked it up. jack must have dropped it when he was picking up his tools. yeah, here it is. that's the terrible switchblade? archie, when we was kids, i think we called this a pen knife. that's a switchblade, huh? look at that thing. it couldn't even cut butter. hey, michael, you said that there was no knife. did i say that? yeah, that's what you said. yeah, you did. you're as bad as daddy. you're as bad as me. wait a second, wait a second. all right, so i got the knives mixed up, but the way you talk about it, it was a machete. i didn't say nothing about a machete. don't be bringing the spics into this here. [all arguing]

boy, the way glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

[sighs] what's the matter, mike? i don't know. something's missing. not enough salt? not enough archie. it's too quiet around here. michael, don't tell me you like arguing with daddy. i didn't say i like it. it's just that i'm used to it. my body is used to it. when archie's here, i eat better. well, don't worry, mike. he's only working overtime tonight. tomorrow he'll be home at his regular time, and i'm sure he'll get in a nice argument with you. get away from me, all of youse. hi, daddy. edith: hello, archie. i don't have time for that. i'll get your dinner. i ain't got no time for that neither, edith. it's all ready. i ain't got no time, edith. i just got time to get myself a cheese sandwich and a can of beer, that's all. but it won't take long.

i ain't even got time to go up to the toilet. oh. well, if you got to go, you better pay your little visit now. i can wait, edith, if only you don't talk about it. but, archie, you know how you are. you'll get halfway to the subway, and you'll have to come running back. that's how you missed mrs. defendorpher's funeral. remember? i'm telling you, this rushing around is killing me. oh, why don't you skip tonight? i can't do that, edith. i'm way behind already. jeez, oh, look at this here! every hunk of cheese in a piece of cellophane. they'll be doing this next with sardines! i'll do it. this job could mean an awful lot to us, this new job. yeah, i know, archie, but even if you don't get it-- don't say that, will you? look at me, work hard all my life, and what have i got to show for it?

a thousand bucks a year extra for the two of us. oh, archie, money ain't that important. oh... not to rockefeller it ain't, because he's got it. what about me here? oh, no, edith, a little extra dough, i can get you all them extra things that you like, you know? but, archie, i don't need nothing. you're gonna get them whether you need them or not! and besides... it's hard work i do out there on that loading platform out in the cold all the time. dispatcher's job, now, there's something else. all the dispatcher does is push a pencil across a desk all day long. another thing, how do i know the boss ain't going to go out there on that loading dock and replace me with a younger guy someday? oh, archie, that ain't gonna happen to you. oh, people always say that. "that ain't gonna happen to you." then the first thing, you turn around-- you know what i just tasted going down? no. cellophane off the cheese. thanks a million!

and i want you to know i'm proud of you, and mike and gloria will be proud of you too. did you tell them about this? oh, no, no. you did! you told them the secret, right? no, no, archie, they don't know. if you don't believe me, ask them. i will. you dingbat, you almost had me do it. what's the big rush, daddy? the big rush, little girl, is that i'm going bowling. that's the rush. archie, don't you think you'd better pay your little visit upstairs? no, i don't want to pay the little visit upstairs. ma, what's going on with daddy? nothing. i think it's something. well, he don't want to be late. it's an important bowling tournament. another tournament? that's where daddy said he was going last week. oh.

bowling, rained out? ma, are you keeping something from us? no. gloria: come on, ma. doesn't it bother you that daddy's going out all these nights? mm, no. it's a nice change. ma... well, it's like bette davis used to say, "who wants a man hanging around the house all the time, anyway? not me. ha-ha, ha-ha." i'm going in there. wait a second, gloria, wait a second. isn't it obvious your mother doesn't want to talk about it? she'll tell us when she's good and ready. i can't wait till then. gloria! gloria: come on, michael! ma... hi, uh, we just came in to say that we're late for the movies. we gotta go. goodbye. goodbye. so long. michael, i want to find out what's going on around here. gloria, if your mother doesn't want to tell us, that is her privilege.

when archie's not home. now, please, don't be so nosy. let's go. all right, i'm coming, i'm coming. hey, michael, look what daddy left under my hat, his bowling ball. ma! yeah? what is it? oh. how could daddy go bowling without this? maybe he's the referee. ma! there's no referee in bowling. oh, gloria, i'm sorry, but i promised archie i wouldn't tell you. but, ma, that was before we found the bowling ball, so if you tell us something that we already know, that's not breaking a promise. oh, yeah. all right, i'll tell you.

we already know that, ma. come on. gloria, you must never tell archie i told you. well, you see, there's this dispatcher's job down at the plant that he wants to get. what's that got to do with his going out nights? oh, archie never wanted you two to know this. you see, he had to leave school to get a job and help his family, so he never graduated. oh, i see. you see what? archie's going back to high school. oh, my, i'm glad i didn't have to tell you. [toilet flushes] [toilet flushes] who's that, ma? sounds like archie. he left five minutes ago. he never made it to the subway. archie... all right, edith, get out of my way! i'm in a hurry. and you, meathead,

what are you doing with my bowling ball? uh... gloria gave it to me. you told them. edith: no, archie, i didn't. yes, you did. you told them the secret about me going to high school. i can tell by the bowling ball. daddy, ma didn't want to say anything, but i pried it out of her. she shouldn't have told youse. besides, i think what you're doing is wonderful. yeah, arch, we're all proud of you. aw... hey, just so you didn't graduate high school, that's nothing to be ashamed of. as a matter of fact, that was a great thing that you did. there are not many guys who would quit school

[daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us shshthought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment.

oh. i'm sorry. must've been doing it unconsciously. both: that's the way you do everything. that's right. don't make no more noise. [whistling "bill bailey, won't you please come home?"] hey, ted weems, there. [whistles end of song quickly] listen, if i flunk my history exam,

can't you study someplace else? arch, this is the only place in the house where there's enough room for all my stuff. all right, then study. keep quiet. don't bother me, huh? i-- i'm sorry. hmm. "manifest destiny." what? nothing. i'm talking to myself, here. oh. i said, uh, manifest destiny. would you like to know what it means? hey, edith. that'll be the day, i have to ask you. yeah? oh, my two students. remember the other day,

manifest destiny? yeah, manifest destiny. i had the meaning in my head, but it flew out, and now i can't find it no place in the book. what did i say that it meant? well, maybe mike knows. mike, do you know what manifest destiny means? yeah. well, what does it mean? are you asking me a question? your mother-in-law asked you a question. you going to answer her or not? sure, ma. manifest destiny was the doctrine that asserted the inevitability of united states' domination of the north american continent. you know she can't understand language like that. can't you explain it to her in easy words? it means that we had the right to take over other people's territory,

there you are, edith. it's what i said. now, do me a favor. get that history quiz book over there and come back and start asking me them test questions we didn't finish. yeah, sure, archie. hurry up. arch, uh, when you were talking with ma the other day about manifest destiny, uh, did you mention the fact that it was just another name for american imperialism? huh? that's right. it was just an excuse to rip off other people's land. that's the way we stole texas from mexico. listen, subversive... the u.s. of a. never stole nothing from nobody. the mexicans was only too glad to give us texas after we beat the hell out of them in a war. here it is. well, come on, ask me some questions. i got no time here. arch, uh, do you mind if i listen to your answers? i love science fiction. listen, you. just get away from my study table, huh?

i gotta take a test later on tonight. now, will you take yourself out of here? all right. edith, sit down and start. yeah, i'll sit over here, so you can't peek at the answers. come on, will you? ask. now, answer true or false. president mckinley started the spanish-american war despite the fact that spain had already agreed to all our demands. that's false. oh... i'm sorry, archie. it's true. it ain't true. no american president never started a war over that. that's what the book says. aw...look at that! you see what i got to do to pass this test? i got to lie. all right, i'll put it down, though. mckinley... all right, true. get it over with. next question.

was a national disgrace? treatment of the american indian... national disgrace, uh... well, uh, geronimo? no. come on, it had to be some indian that said that. who? president kennedy. aw, that's a lie! kennedy never said that, or maybe he said it, but he didn't mean it. he-- he maybe said it when he was running for office. he was trying to get the indian vote, which he never got anyhow. how do you know? because, meathead, the indians don't vote. archie, the indians were given the vote in 1924. i ain't talking about that. i'm saying that they don't use their vote, like a fellow told me. they sell all their horses for booze, and then they can't ride into town. that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard! that ain't stupid! that's the truth!

after all we done for them. all wee done for them? arch! let me tell you something about this country and the american indians and all we've done for them! we lied to them, we cheated them, and then we drove them off their land without paying for it! hold it! then what-- what are you talking about, their land? they never had no land! they couldn't read or write. how could sitting bull sign a lease? all the indians ever did was ride around scalping wagon trains. archie, what would you do if somebody cheated you out of your land? well, i wouldn't scalp the guy. i'd hire myself a lawyer. i don't believe it! what? where are you going? how do you deal with this lunacy? help me! what are you yelling about? i ain't talking about the polacks. i'm talking about the indians. [screaming]

and stay home and take care of that guy. come on, edith, i got a lot of history to learn, so let's get on with it. oh, i almost forgot. i got something for you. what? i can't tell you. it's a surprise. oh, hurry up, edith, huh? [groaning] hiya, daddy. oh, hi, there, little girl. aw, jeez, look at this one. in that year, the eye-talian, marconi, invented radio. imagine them telling me a lie like that and the rca building staring me in the face every day. you working hard? i certainly am, little girl. there. what are you doing with those little pieces of paper? i'm writing down the answers to my history questions. oh, gee, daddy, it looks like crib notes. bingo. are you going to use those crib notes on your exam? certainly, i'm going to use them. i'm going to have them right here in this pocket in case i need them. daddy, that's cheating! what do you mean, cheating?

to give something to somebody else and you don't give it. that's cheating. now, me, i'm taking a test. i'm supposed to give them the right answers. that's what i'm going to give them. i ain't cheating them. but, daddy, you're cheating yourself! no, no, i get a diploma out of it. you're not being honest with yourself. i certainly am, little girl. i sat down and i asked myself a question. i said, "can you pass this history exam without them little pieces of paper?" and i gave myself an honest answer. "no, you couldn't." what's wrong with you? you been talking to your father? michael, do you know what daddy's doing? he is preparing crib notes to cheat on his exam. well, that doesn't surprise me.

what did you do here? i pasted them-- you pasted them on there, yeah! but how am i going to use them? i can't get them off now. now you can study them on the subway. who told you to do that? nobody. i thought of it all by myself. from now on, edith, when a thought starts coming at you, duck, huh? ma! daddy's coming. michael, you better get up. ma, you got the letter? yeah, right here. i don't know if i want to be in the room when he opens the letter. i mean, what if he failed? well, that's the point, michael. if he did fail, we have to try and cheer him up. gloria, i don't think my being here is going to cheer him up. i think you should both go upstairs and wait, and i'll let you know as soon as he opens it. good idea, good idea.

what's the matter with you? archie, this came for you today. it's from the school. it may be about your test. don't shove it at me, edith. don't you want to open it? let me take off my hat and coat first, huh? can you do that? from the school, huh? yeah. give it to me. i guess it's the test result, all right. yeah. i can't open it. you open it for me, edith. well, give me the envelope. yeah, here's the envelope. oh, my...

well, read it, will you? who's the winner, me or the school? archie, you are! you passed! yeah? let me see the paper. oh, mike, gloria, he passed! hey, hey, i did? i did? we got a dispatcher in the family! hey, all right! congratulations! way to go! [phone rings] that's great! i'll get it! i passed it there! see, daddy, you did it all on your own. you didn't even need to cheat. that's right. i gambled a little, though, tossing a nickel on the true-and-falsies. hey, arch, it's stretch cunningham. oh, good old stretch. give me the phone. wait'll he hears the news. hiya, stretch, archie here. hold it, there, hold it. before you talk any more, you got to show a little respect when you're talking to a high school graduate, class of '73. yeah, i got it.

well, when did that happen? oh, yeah. yeah. yeah, goodbye, stretch. uh, by the way, uh, thanks for nothing. what's the matter, daddy? well, the matter is, uh, looks like i've been studying the wrong subject. instead of studying american history, i guess i should've been studying the theory of relativity. what are you talking about? relativity, meathead. the boss' nephew got the dispatcher's job. oh, daddy. that's too bad, arch. how could they do that to him? ah, well, that's the way things are.

captioning made possible by u.s. department of education,phillips petroleum,alcoa foundation coca-cola foundation, rockwell international, and sony corporation what would we do, baby without us what would we do, baby without us and there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through what would we do, baby without us