[ theme music ] >> oh, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you! thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. you are very nice. oh, come on. thank you. thank you. very nice. thank you. that is very nice of you. >> whoo! [ laughter ] >> isn't this better than looking at your dashboard statue of me? [ laughter ] >> come on, it's not necessary for you to stand during the whole hour. please sit down. boy, what a great audience. >> terrific. >> in a good mood, yeah. we have a good show for you tonight. before we start i just saw an announcement. the sports desk. the philadelphia phillies just named george burns

[ laughter ] >> pretty good game last night. >> yeah, good game. >> 1-1 now. some of the philadelphia players are a little long in the tooth, aren't they? some of the guys are so old they have forgotten where to scratch. [ laughter ] >> umm... [ laughter ] >> i lived in new york 17 years, and i cannot get used to baseball in los angeles, even though the dodgers are out here. remember you would go to yankee stadium? you go to ebbets field? new york fans -- we've got great baseball, but new york fans are crazed. >> yeah. >> it's too laid back out here. back in new york, they yell "charge!" out here, you say, "hey, go with your feelings." [ laughter ] >> there was a scandal in last night's ball game. pete rose's hit was taken away when they found 18 inches

[ laughter ] >> i guess the next game is tomorrow in philadelphia. the city of -- city of brotherly love. [ cheers and applause ] >> the game is listed in tv guide in philadelphia as the old and the restless. [ laughter ] >> that's what they did in philadelphia. [ laughter ] >> another late report in the news room. john houseman was just caught eating at burger king wearing a groucho marx nose and mustache. [ laughter ] >> i keep driving by mcdonalds looking for john houseman. have you seen those commercials? the three-piece suit walking through the golden arches. "i eat here." [ laughter ] >> last night i mentioned something in the paper yesterday. there is a town in northern california, chico, california. [ applause ] >> you know about chico? how big of town is chico? i don't know. >> about 5,000. >> about 5,000?

anyway, they passed a law in chico -- if you set off a nuclear bomb in town -- this is true -- you get six months in jail and a $500 fine. [ laughter ] >> people thought i was making that up. but it's absolutely true. if you set one off in burbank, you get a reward. [ laughter ] >> well, i have some exciting political news. john andersson will announce his candidacy in a few weeks. [ laughter ] >> he's-he's already been called the spoiler for harold stasen. [ laughter ] >> george mcgovern heard about andersson's running for president and said, "that guy is living in a dream world." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i tell ya -- we live in a great country where any man can

[ laughter ] >> james watt who has created more controversy, a lot of republicans in congress are calling for the resignation of james watt. [ applause ] >> they say he is a liability. watt says he is not going to resign, matter of fact he's on vacation on his ranch in california. you can spot watt's ranch if you drive by. [ laughter ] >> you have a joke i don't know about? [ laughter ] >> there's a sign at the furthest end of his parking lot that says "crippled parking here." [ laughter ] [ booing ] >> sure. well, i agree with you. he shouldn't have a sign like that. [ laughter ] >> i never thought i would see the day that walt disney production would do this. they are having financial problems. and to recoup their losses, you know what they're doing?

their first film with nudity. i cannot believe that. it was in the paper. is that true? >> yes, it's true. >> walt disney must be spinning like a lathe in his grave. [ laughter ] >> not only that, but they have a cartoon out called "mickey and goofy decorate a loft in san francisco." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> actually if you think about it, disney has paved the way for screen nudity. donald duck has gone bottomless since 1933. [ laughter ] those of you who live in los angeles and have a home have the opportunity to rent out your home for the olympics. have you heard about what people are getting for their homes? something like 10 or 20,000 dollars a week. yeah. you can rent your home out to somebody from another country. but apparently they have had some problems. and there is a meeting at the mayor's office because people have sent in deposits and they have been lost or something,

you should ask yourself and the prospective people who rent your home. for example, never runt -- never runt? [ laughter ] >> never rent to anyone who asks if your trash compactor will take camel dung. [ laughter ] >> these are just a few... [ laughter ] >> never rent to a -- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> never rent to anyone who calls your backyard ground zero. that's bad. [ laughter ] >> and never rent to anyone who picks up and makes a long distance phone call and asks for mulamar baby. [ laughter ] >> maybe three of those were too many. >> right. [ laughter ] >> i hate to finish the monologue on a sad note. but it is kind of sad. >> how sad is it?

earl s. tupper the father of tupperware died today. he was 76 years old. lived in costa rica. i didn't know that's where the name came from -- earl tupper. he succumbed yesterday. and he was -- [ laughter ] >> don't say it. >> he was laid to rest last night in a -- >> don't say it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> in a 6-foot plastic container with a snap lid on it. [ laughter ] >> no, i don't mean to make light of it. it's kind of sad that he passed away. earl was working on his latest invention, tupper underwear. [ laughter ] >> which are plastic briefs to keep your buns warm. [ laughter ] >> anyway, we have an exciting show tonight, and along with one of the -- i am a great fan of bob newhart. have been for many, many years.

[ cheers and applause ] >> a really fine young actor who is one of the stars of a show that unfortunately the networks saw fit not to keep on the air. the show was called "paper chase." his name is james stephens. he is here. [ applause ] >> and we have the chief of police of a small town in oklahoma. his name is ronnie porter. he has been in the news lately because the town does not have a police car, and they are having trouble apprehending people. they have one, but apparently it doesn't -- [ laughter ] >> it's not working too well. and it's been in the national news, so we invited chief porter here to explain his plight to us, and later on, as a special surprise, all of the democratic candidates running for president will be out here and do a cone-head sketch. [ laughter ] >> it sounds like a great show.

[ cheers and applause ] >> we'll be back, thank you.

>> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> hello there. [ cheers and applause ] >> what is going on?

[ cheers and applause ] >> were you serving drinks outside or something? >> no. [ laughter ] >> i think they are so happy that we have started our 22nd year. >> when did he start that? >> two nights ago. >> we did? >> yes, this is the third night. >> monday we had our anniversary show and we showed a lot of highlights and tapes. we didn't show everything in that program. >> well, you couldn't in a two-hour show. [ laughter ] >> i'm just trying to help you set it up, that's all. >> did i take a pause, there? >> no, no. >> all i said was we didn't show everything, and before i could take a breath, you said, "well, we couldn't in two hours." >> well, could we? [ laughter ] >> no, we had to eliminate a lot of things that people wanted to see, and maybe next year, if we show up next year, we'll have some of those things. >> okay. >> anyway some of the things we didn't show you -- there were other highlights which i have been keeping in the tonight show scrapbook

[ laughter ] >> well, what would i call it? >> that's a good name for it. >> what else would i call it? >> johnny's book. [ laughter ] >> what? >> johnny's book. >> no, it's the tonight show scrapbook. and if you watch the monitor i'll show you some of the highlights that we didn't show you monday night. set it up and then do it. [ laughter ] >> one of my personal highlights was the night the late george jessel came on and showed where al jolson bit him after he insulted al's mammy. [ laughter ] >> that wasn't one of the big highlights. [ laughter ] >> did you watch the monitor on that? [ laughter ] >> that helps. >> you might have been looking here and therefore they didn't see the picture. that's probably what it was. you may have caught the wedding of tiny tim on our show back in 1969, but what you didn't see after the program was when our producer, fred de cordova, took advantage of the minister being here and

the late andy devine. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> fred de cordova, right there. this is one of the worst magic acts we ever booked on the show. baby huey deanny. [ laughter ] >> seen here making his female assistant's timex disappear in his neck fat. [ laughter ] >> one of the worst acts ever. through the years, people on our show have won a lot of different awards. but i think the most memorable moment may have been last year when doc was presented with this award, the gay emmy. [ laughter ] >> no, no. come on. i didn't mean anything by that. that's silliness. [ laughter ] >> i don't like that one. [ laughter ] >> you had it in the scrapbook and you don't like it. [ laughter ] >> maybe another one

all right. >> this is one of our talent coordinators. her name sherl thing. this is taken the morning after she discovered mr. t -- sherl is describing why she wants mr. t to be on the show. [ laughter ] 'cause he's got this big hairdo. she loves that big mohawk hairdo. here you see the security guards escorting a man off the premises, as they have every night for the last 21 years. he has been pouring kitty litter into the parking space and making obscene sand sculptures. [ laughter ] >> let me take a look at these. i'm going to save you some time. [ laughter ] >> we are going to be finished early. [ laughter ]

all right. now, every night -- most people don't know this, i make a little extra money after the show by having my two ex-neighbors from nebraska let their pigs loose in the audience to root for change that people have dropped in their seats. [ laughter ] >> you're not sure on that one. you'll remember this. one of the most unusual acts -- we featured her on the show in 1964. this matronly lady went through the change of life while the band played the theme from bonanza. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> you always hear people when they have a television show talk about the people behind the scenes you don't see on camera. you have heard of that, right? well, this man is not behind -- this man is under the scenes. for 21 years he has

[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> no, no, no, no. [ laughter ] >> no, no, no, no. no, no. oh, no, no, no. >> and you threw some away? >> and i threw the others away. [ laughter ] >> no, it's -- [ laughter ] >> you have to take a glance at these pictures. >> oh, that's awful. the joke was to be because he didn't have a place to live. [ laughter ] >> that is terrible. [ laughter ] >> i have got to study these longer. [ laughter ] >> okay. this man, has been sitting in a camp chair in the parking lot after every show for 21 years, and annoying female members of our audience by asking them to guess what he is hiding under his zorro hat.

get rid of him. i remember one night ed snuck backstage during a dog act and tried to make a deal with a st. bernard. [ laughter ] >> ed said if he could chug his barrel, ed would let him suck the apple stains off of his tie. remember that? [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> every night during their dinner break, a little-known fact, the band calls up a weird restaurant in west hollywood and orders mannequin parts to go. [ laughter ] >> here, you see the restaurant delivering their order one night last week: a bucket of boobs. that is the most ridiculous joke we have ever done on this show. [ applause ] >> okay, louis? okay. [ laughter ] >> weird joke. we have with us bob newhart will be out, james stephens from "the paper chase," and ronnie porter, who is the chief of police

i think it's weleetka. >> weleetka. >> weleetka, oklahoma. okay.

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> thank you, doc. we are back. bob newhart will be out in a while. james stephens. [ applause ] >> the reason we have this next gentlemen on because he has been getting quite a bit of space around the country in newspapers because he is the chief of police in a small town in oklahoma called weleetka, and he has been having problems with his police car. we thought he might be an interesting guest, so we invited him to come here and explain what is going on down there. would you welcome chief of police, ronnie porter. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> chief, it's good to meet you. >> glad to be here. >> we met backstage. you were coming through, and you looked a little chagrin because somebody said you were going to go into the makeup room,

you wanted to be made up or not. >> oh, yeah. >> we have to do that for television. it's nice to meet you. >> glad to be here. everybody wants to tell johnny "hi." >> yeah? >> so i just had them write their name on there, so i have about 22 feet of tape that says "hi, johnny." >> is that right? are you putting me on? can i take a look? >> yes. >> we won't read them all. all from weleetka? >> weleetka. >> weleetka, i'm sorry. weleetka. >> you were right. >> i was right the first time. i said weleetka, and you corrected me. where is weleetka? >> weleetka is 89 miles east of oklahoma city. >> right. >> and about 60 miles south and west of tulsa. >> right. how long have you been chief of police there? >> about six months. >> about six months. now, i understand you have a small police force. >> right. >> how many officers total? >> we have four men. we had one part-time, but he had to cut back on the budget. so we just have four men. [ laughter ] >> that's a small police force. >> i want to make you an honorary policeman, on one condition. >> yeah? >> you use your own car,

[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> okay. well, i'm honored. thank you, chief of police of weleetka. tell me what the problem is. when did you first notice you had problems with the police car? >> when i took over, we had a '75 and a '76 plymouth. >> uh-huh. >> both of 'em was highway patrol cars. >> mmm-hmm. >> the '75 was a backup unit, and it was supposed to be in worse shape than our '76. so the 76 was using about three quarts of oil a day, and if you go over 35 miles an hour it shimmies. [ laughter ] >> three quarts of oil a day? and what would happen when you go 35 miles -- >> you go over 35 miles an hour, you put people's lives in jeopardy because it shimmies. >> shimmies. [ laughter ] >> and there's no industry there, so our budget is down to zero. >> right. >> and just like in anything, you have to have money to keep things going. >> yeah. >> you build a home and run out of money, you're gonna have to stop building that home. >> and it's pretty hard -- it's a small city, isn't it?

>> twelve hundred people. and, i suppose, to raise money to get a new police car is just not in the budget. >> no, it's not. >> have you had problems -- occasionally you have to try to chase somebody. >> well, you do have a few that try to outrun you. most of the people that know you don't got no wheels, they are going to outrun you. [ laughter ] >> and i guess we're telling the whole nation that you have no wheels down there. [ laughter ] >> we do have a car now. really -- i had a gospel singing to raise money for the police department. >> a benefit. >> i had a nationwide -- or statewide, rather, throughout many papers and radio that we're going to have gospel singing to try to raise money. >> good idea. >> i had several newspapers, state and local, to put it in there as a news item, where i could get a lot of people down, and i had about eight or ten gospel singers

and the singing was august 20th. we had about 150 people come out to it, and i got about $150 to $250 in donations to the police department, but i had a news reporter come down to cover the story... and it wasn't too good of a success, so he took pictures of my wore out police car and put it on the front page of "tulsa world," which is the state newspaper. >> right. >> had it covered there and had negotiated press, and then paul harvey called me and he talked about it. and i had a radio station in kansas city -- >> you are getting a lot of press. have you got a new car yet? >> well, that's what i'm trying to say. [ laughter ] >> excuse me, chief. i hate to be interrogated by you, chief. [ laughter ] >> a radio station -- a radio station in kansas city picked it up on the wire, and they had a little fun

they thought it was funny. and then johnny dolen who is a disk jockey, i understand he is no longer working with them. [ laughter ] >> what happened to johnny? >> well, i believe he got fired. >> oh. >> yeah. it was just one of them things. [ laughter ] >> anyhow, he got ahold of it. he told me it was funny. and then he wanted to know the serious problem. and he helped me and he got ahold of the blue ridge mazda company in kansas city. they donated a '73 pontiac with 65,000 miles on it. >> that's not bad. >> it's really a good car. but at 10 years old, it is lucky to be running 3 hours let alone 24 hours a day. >> so you're really not up to where you want to be. >> no sir, no. >> okay, we're going to take a break and come right back and talk about this more. >> all right.

[ music ] [ applause ] >> this is the city, weleetka, oklahoma, i work here. i'm a cop. oh, excuse me. [ laughter ] >> we're talking with chief of police of weleetka, ronnie porter. so you got a '63 now. >> '73. >> '73. >> yeah. >> with the old car did you ever pull anybody over at all? >> oh, yeah. yes, we could stop 'em. the only thing was, if you went too fast, you put everybody's life in danger, because of a bad car. >> somebody told me you stopped a local citizen, and while you were talking to her, the car started smoking. >> yes sir, a wire shorted out. upon making contact with her, i looked back, and the red light's going and

got back and took care of my fire. [ laughter ] >> so you got a real problem there, haven't you? >> yes, sir. >> yeah, you should have a good police car. is there much crime in weleetka at all? >> well, it's not a whole lot of crime, but, johnny, it is just like any other small town, you have to cope with anything that happens. and we have the same crime you have out here, we just don't have it as often. >> yeah. that's probably true. do you have a large jail? >> well, it's not large. it's a very small jail. we have to take them to county a lot of times and put them in the county jail. >> what is the most unusual case since you have been at weleetka that has happened? most exciting case? >> oh -- >> outside of the lady you stopped and your car caught on fire. [ laughter ] >> well, i had been a chief for about a week. whenever our police car was vandalized -- >> on top of that,

[ laughter ] >> you have enough trouble, you mean they pick on the car too? >> well, you are not the most liked person, you know. >> yeah, of course. >> i had been chief about a week. our police car was vandalized. busted the windshield out of it, cut all four tires, which was fairly new tires. [ laughter ] i had 'em apprehended -- i was home in bed about midnight. my patrolman called me, i went out and had them apprehended within about three hours. >> they slashed your tires and broke your windshield. >> yes, sir. >> what kind of punishment would you mete out for that? >> it is a misdemeanor, also they are paying back for the car. >> well, they should. they should pay back for the car. are you from weleetka yourself? >> no, sir, i'm not. i've been there about a year. i'm from wewoka, oklahoma. [ laughter ] >> these are all indian names, right? >> yes, sir. >> how far is that?

>> do you commute? >> i live in weleetka. i have my family, father, sister and bothers they still live in wewoka. >> that's good. i had something i was gonna ask, and i forgot what it was. [ laughter ] >> do you have any vice problems there at all? i mean -- you know. [ laughter ] >> i don't understand. >> well, i mean, vice problems, like gambling or sexual misbehavior or -- i don't know that's a big problem in big cities -- [ laughter ] >> oh, i'm sure they probably are. for gambling, no. >> no gambling. >> like i said we -- we do have drug problems, and things like this. there is a lot of problems that we have that i haven't encountered yet, and a lot of them that i'll probably be surprised when i do, because it is a small town. [ laughter ] >> but we do have the same problems --