- well, this is some morning.@ harry von zell thinks i'm not handling him right in a show, blanche came up with that tired fish story, and gracie let my eggs get cold. aside from that, i haven't got an open joke to do some monologue. (canned laughter) harry really makes me mad. why don't people mind their own business and stop telling other people how to run theirs? people who butt into things they know nothing about really aggravate me.

the other day while i was telling him how to fill my tooth. (canned laughter) now von zell wants to be romantic. is he conceited! he thinks he looks like he did 15 years ago. wait a minute, i've seen von zell 15 years ago, and if he thinks he looks like that, he's not conceited. (canned laughter) not that harry is bad looking. he's not, but he's not handsome, either. he's like tapioca pudding, nice, but not exciting. (canned laughter) and also a little lumpy. (canned laughter) but everybody likes to give advice. and when they give it to an expert, no wonder he loses his temper and tells the other person to keep quiet. like this doctor i knew who was taking care of this woman who was going to have her fourth child. no matter what he wanted to do, she made a different suggestion, so he finally lost his temper and he says, "madam, how many babies have you delivered?" and she said, "doctor, how many babies have you had?" he kept quiet and listened to the expert.

and i know one fellow who couldn't help it. he told everybody what to do. tailors how to make a suit, mechanics how to tune a motor. once an electrician walked into his house to fix the short circuit, and he said "that's where the trouble is" and stuck his finger in the socket. (canned laughter) now he's either telling somebody how to play a harp or showing somebody how to shovel coal. (canned laughter) you get advice from all sources. when gracie and i first started to do our vaudeville act, everybody made suggestions how to improve it. but gracie didn't listen to them, and i'm glad she didn't. she'd have been very unhappy working alone. (canned laughter) but there's one thing i do that people don't fool around with. they might advise me how to produce a show or how to time a joke, but nobody tells me how to sleep. not to, yes, but how to? no. (canned laughter) - george really said that after i left?

he's finally realized he doesn't belong in show business. - what a pity he reached such an obvious conclusion so much later than everyone else! (canned laughter) - you mean you knew all along he was unhappy when he was telling jokes? - no, but i was aware of my own unhappiness. - oh, well then you're just the man who can help him. i'll send him over here, and will you try to figure out the kind of work he's really fitted for? i don't want him to waste his life in a business he hates! - i will do my utmost to prevent him squandering further time as a round peg in a square hole. - oh, good, i want him to be a square peg in a square hole, just like you! (canned laughter) - let's name some professions, maybe we'll find one to fit george. - very well. - uh.... he's spent a lot of time in banks taking gracie's money there. (canned laughter) maybe he could be a bank clerk! - he hasn't sufficient mentality for that. (canned laughter) perhaps he might become a furniture mover.

door-to-door salesman? - that requires personality. (canned laughter) a plumber? - carpenter? - a janitor. (canned laughter) - ditch digger. - well that brings us right back to where we started. he hasn't sufficient mentality for that. (canned laughter) (cheerful music) - how do you do. - how do you do? - i'm dr. craigmore, the psychologist. i'm here to see mr. burns. are you his mother? - well, that depends on which mr. burns you mean. if you mean george burns, he's too old to be my son. in fact, my family says he's too old to be my husband. but come on in! (canned laughter) - i meant ronald burns. - oh, well that's better. he's not too old to be my son. in fact, he is my son! so that would make him just the right age. (canned laughter) - well, is he home? i have the results of his aptitude test. - oh, no, he isn't, but i'm dying

won't you sit down? - thank you. his tests indicate that he should follow the theatrical profession. - oh, an actor! oh, well i hope he'll be happier than his father is. - oh, is his father an actor? - he's been an actor all his life, and the most miserable one you've ever seen. - that's too bad! but it's never too late to change one's profession. - really? - why, yes! as i told your son, i had a case where a man had been a dentist for 20 years, but after his aptitude test he found happiness as a farmer. - oh, well, that would never work for george. if he had to be a dentist for 20 years before he could become a farmer, well, he wouldn't live to enjoy his happiness! (canned laughter) - uh, perhaps i'd better talk to your husband. (canned laughter) - oh, well i'll go get him. (doorbell rings) oh, (laughs) excuse me.

- oh, i'll go upstairs and get him. - i have to talk to him again. - yes, alright. oh, harry, i want you to meet dr. craigmore. he's a psychologist. and doctor, this is harry von zell, my husband's hired hand. (canned laughter) excuse me for interrupting you, dear, but dr. craigmore is downstairs waiting to give you your aptitude test, and you'll love farming. (canned laughter) - uh, dr. who? - dr. craigmore. - and i'll love farming? - farming, yes. - tell dr. craigmore i'll be right down. - alright. oh, and did i do something for you! i saved you 20 years as a dentist. (canned laughter) - i'm going to turn on my television set. (book thuds) i want to catch up with you people and know what's going on, too. - so, doctor, while you're giving mr. burns his aptitude test, i'd appreciate it if you'd casually mention that you've seen the television show, and that you think

- oh, well that's not ethical, i'm only concerned with mr. burns's future! - i'm concerned with mine! - but mr. von zell, i-- - here, here, supposing i stay here and help you bring it up? - but mr. von zell, you can't stay here! an aptitude test is very confidential. - alright, then i'll hide in the closet. (canned laughter) and i'll be listening to what you say about me. - very smart. (canned laughter) - how strange can a household be?

(canned laughter) - oh, how do you do? - how do you do. - this is rather a delicate matter, i hope you don't mind if i speak freely? - well why not, there's nobody around to hear us. it's just between the both of us! - uh, yes, that's true. (canned laughter) now, mr. burns, it's never too late to do the things for which we are best suited.

- i am here to do my utmost to help you find the right road. - would you repeat that last line? - i beg your pardon? - repeat that last line, and say it just the way you said it. - i'm here to do my utmost to help you find the right road! - it's unbelievable. what a reading. but, then again, you must have had theatrical experience. - well, (laughs) in our college play i had a small part, and everyone said i was excellent. oh, mr. burns, that was 20 years ago! - well, it's never too late to do the things you're best suited for! - actor? - you not only have the voice, but you also have the looks, and talent like that shouldn't be wasted. - well, i haven't been too happy in my profession.

i'm thinking of replacing my announcer. (canned laughter) - television show? - i know you can do it. would you read that line for me just once more? (canned laughter) - i'm here to do my utmost to help you find the right road. - well, that's it. see, i not only need a man who has a fine speaking voice like yours to do the announcing, but he's also got to be good-looking enough to get the girl. (canned laughter) the man i've got is very unattractive. (canned laughter) - mr. burns, this is a flattering opportunity, and i'm very anxious to have a chance at it. - well, you'll take harry von zell's place. d'you ever see von zell? - yes, i, i've met him. - what do you think of his looks? (canned laughter) - well, just between us, i don't-- - why are we whispering? there's nobody here. (canned laughter)

his, uh, his nose, uh-- - a little broad, i think. - uh, yes, uh, but his eyes! - closely set. - uh, yes, uh, around the waist-- - (indistinct) unit. (canned laughter) - well uh, as you said, he's very, very unattractive. (canned laughter) - doctor, i go along with that extra "very" you just threw in. - oh, dr. craigmore! how did my tests come out? - fine, my boy. you're going in the most wonderful profession in all the world, acting. - oh, wonderful! i'll be right with you, i've got to hang my coat up. - sh! (money crinkles) (canned laughter) - is he getting enough air in there? - looked a little sick to me. (canned laughter) who? - the fellow who just checked your coat. (canned laughter) - well, did you finish with the aptitude test? - yes, we have, and your husband helped me

- you helped him? - he's going to be an actor. - yes! thank you very much for the opportunity, mr. burns. i uh, well, i may need a little more training, so if i hurry i'll just have time to register at the pasadena playhouse! goodbye! - but dr. craigmore, what about my aptitude test? - i'm in a new profession, boy. (canned laughter) i'm here to do my utmost.... (canned laughter) - he wants to be an actor and ronnie's going to be an actor and i love show business. why do you insist on being a farmer? (canned laughter) - ok, you've made me change my mind. - well, i only did it to make me happy! - you have made me happy. (kissing smack) - aw! (giggles) you see, i'm glad you took that aptitude test. now you can still be an actor! you'd be a very unhappy farmer.

- you know, gracie, i've been so busy that i forgot to spray the closet for moths. imagine me being a farmer. (canned laughter) (scoffs) i've been in show business all my life! i'll always be. i'm glad you and ronnie like show business. everybody i know likes show business. everybody in the world. there must be thousands of (indistinct) - george! - harry, what are you doing in here? - uh, in-in, uh, look never mind that, but look, you can't let that fellow have my job! you think he did a reading on that line? listen to this. (draws in a deep breath) i am here to do my utmost to help you find the right road. (sneezes) (canned laughter) - harry, look. (laughs) i'll speak to the writers, and next week you get the girl. - oh, george! - you might not be attractive, but at least your moth proof. - that i am. (canned laughter)

- goodnight! - you know, george-- - out, out!

(applause) - thank you. - thank you. - thank you very much. now gracie, let's pick someone in your family to talk about. - alright, how about my cousin casey allen, the railroad man? - casey allen, that sounds like a real interesting character.

- his name was casey allen? - yes, he started out as a conductor, and his train went from san fransisco to los angeles, and on his very first day he got into a big argument with a lady passenger. she wouldn't buy a ticket for cleveland! - well, why.... why should she? cleveland is in ohio! - well, maybe now, but that day cleveland was right there on the train sitting on his mother's lap! (canned laughter) - oh, "cleveland" was a little boy's name. - yes, and she wouldn't buy him a ticket because he was underage. she said he was so young he couldn't even speak yet. - oh, and casey wouldn't believe her? - well, not at first, but cleveland talked him into it. (canned laughter) - well if the kid couldn't speak, how could he talk casey into it? - then they made casey an engineer. - just in time, too. (canned laughter) - they were always on time, except when a cow was standing on the tracks. - oh, that sort of delayed them? - well, for two hours. - oh, for two hours. - the cow was very heavy, and they couldn't move her,

- oh, what'd he do? - milked her. - milked her! that was a good solution. - mm-hmm, and the cow must've liked the way he did it, because the next day she was back on the track again! - back on the track again? (canned laughter) well, gracie, i guess he was a very good milker. - well, george, when you're an engineer and you pull that whistle all day you're bound to be. (canned laughter) - yeah, well that fellow was really a pro. did he like being an engineer? - well, he did till they put him on that run that went through the desert. - oh, that was sort of dry and hot and i guess he didn't enjoy that. - well, he solved that problem. - oh, he did, huh? - yes, he always put a hand full of mexican jumping beans inside his hat. - mexican jumping beans? - yes, when they hopped up and down on his skull it sounded like rain on the roof and it cooled him off! - oh, it cooled him off? (canned laughter) - i'm assuming i never met this casey allen. - no, he was really something, george. in his overalls and his bandana around his neck, he was very handsome. except for his broken nose. - oh, he had a broken nose? - yes, well af-- - how did he get that?

- oh, that's, right after the first run his nose was broken? - yes, well you know how engineers lean out of the cab to see where the train is going? - yes. - well, he passed another train, and the other engineer was also leaning out! - say goodnight. - goodnight! - goodnight. (laughter and applause) (relaxed music) -here you are, boys. gee, you two really look beat. -you know, i'm certainly glad those exams are over with. you know, i've never been bushed in my whole life. - good thing we got a week to rest up in. hey, what are you gonna do in your vacation? - oh, for the first few days, nothing. for the rest of it, less than that! - yeah, my plans exactly. i'm gonna have breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, and dinner in bed,. - i'm gonna do the same thing if i wake up. - hey bro, let's not talk. let's just rest. - good plan.

- oh, hi joyce! - joyce! hi there, sit down right next to me there. - thanks, but i can't stay long. i just came in to look for mildred. - oh, well i think she's... - you want the next dance? - i hear you two kids have something cooking. - yes, we're gonna drive to palms springs together. we're gonna spend our vacation there. - hey, mildred! hi there! - sit down, sit down right next to me here. you sure you don't want me at another table? (whispering) it's lonesome over here oh, by the way, we just heard about your trip down to palm springs. - yes, we're staying at the desert hacienda. then helen, patty, fran, gloria, and felice are joining us later. - seven of you! - oh, practically the whole sorority. we're gonna have a ball! - now, isn't that a coincidence? you know that's where rob and i are gonna stay. we're gonna spend our vacation at the desert hacienda, too. - huh? oh, yeah sure, that's where we're gonna stay alright. - that's just wonderful. you know all the rest of the boys here, they're simply exhausted from their exams. - exhausted? well, we're raring to go.

- horseback riding, swimming, - girls. - mountain climbing, hiking. - girls. - girls. - we'd better get going. - oh say, what are you girls paying down there? - 65 dollars for the week, meals included. - now, isn't that a coincidence? that's what we're paying. - yeah, very reasonable. - we'll see you in palm springs. - sure. - drive carefully. - bye bye. - we'll see you down there. - where are we gonna get $65? - i don't know, but we better get it somewhere. - i'm a little short. - how much are you short? - 63 dollars. - you're better off than me, i need 67. - 67? - sure, i owe you two. - that's the two i was counting on. - see ya down there! - ronnie'll be home ananminute now. thanks for helping me fix his lunch. - oh, it was nothing, honey. say, this is the end of the term, isn't it? - uh hmm. - how did ronnie do in his examinations? - oh, just wonderful. he took every one of them. (doorbell) (audience laughing) oh, excuse me. hello, harry. - (whispering) hello gracie, i came over to see george.

- i've got laryngitis. - well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. a lot of people have it. just talk right up. - what happened to you? - i woke up this morning and all of a sudden my voice was gone. - well, you better take care of it. - i have, i made an appointment to get my throat painted this afternoon. - oh harry, i wouldn't fool around with painters. i'd go see a doctor. (audience laughs) - good point. gracie, would you tell george, please, i'll be alright in time for the show. it's just a cold. - [gracie] yeah. - you know something, harry? you don't need a doctor. why don't you go home and drink a glass of warm milk, after a hot bath? - oh, look, she means alright, harry. but after you drink a hot bath, you wouldn't have any room for the milk. (audience laughs) - oh, hi mr. von zell. - hi ronnie, i've got laryngitis. i can hardly talk. - that's too bad. mr. von zell, do you think you could lend me $65? - and my ears are even worse.

- hi, mother. - hello, ronnie. - boy, were those exams rugged. you know, ralph and i studied like dogs. we're bushed, just beat. you know, if we could go to palm springs for a week and recuperate, that would save our lives. - well, why don't you go, ronnie? - well, we'd love to, if we could dig up $65. - well, when i was your age and needed money, i went to my mother. - that's a wonderful idea, ronnie. why don't you go to blanche's mother? (audience laughs) - no, gracie, that wouldn't do. see, my mother's up in seattle. what about you? - well that won't work, either. my mother is in san francisco. (audience laughs) so i guess, ronnie, you'll have to get the money from me. - [blanche] yeah. - well, thank you, mother! a week in palm springs, that's just what i need. i'll do nothing but rest. - where you gonna stay? - [ronnie] at the desert hacienda.

- the girls? oh, then i better go with you! oh i know girls, they'll never let you rest. they'll want you to go swimming, and dancing, and moonlight riding, and those are the last things you want. look, your father and i will go down with you. and, don't worry, ronnie. i'll shoo all those girls away. - well, if you and george are going, that'll be fun. i'll make harry take me. - [gracie] oh wonderful! - you mean you're all going to palm springs with me? - yes. - yes. to shoo the girls away? - yes. - yes. - excuse me. -[gracie] oh, ronnie, your soup! oh, the poor boy's so tired, he didn't even finish his lunch. - you know, gracie, our one problem is how can we get harry and george to take us to palm springs? - yeah, who's going to talk them into it? - my mother can't do it, she's up in seattle. - and mine's in san francisco, so i guess it's up to us.

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- nah, always got time for a little talk. what's new? - well, i'm in trouble because of mother. - what else is new? (audience laughs) - are you gonna joke? - not if you're not gonna laugh. - what's the problem? - well, i'll level with you. now, ralph and i are supposed to go to palm springs. mother insists on coming along.

going down there, and you know how it is. - no, but i know how it was. (audience laughs) how many chicks are gonna be down there? - seven. - seven chicks and just you and ralph? - yeah, you might call it our own little gold mine in the sky. - well, you and ralph put in a hard term, and you're entitled to three and a half chicks apiece. ok, ronnie, your mother and i are not going to palm springs. - thanks, dad! - [gracie] george! - now remember, no palm springs. - [george] no palm springs. yes, dear? - oh mother, i was just talking to dad. - leave him to me, i'll tell him he needs a rest. george, i just came up to tell you... why are you winking, dear, ronnie and i are up to something. (audience laughs) - i wasn't winking, my right eyelid fell down.

oooh, i just noticed something. i don't know what it is, but you need a rest. you don't look too good. - and i just noticed something. that you look wonderful. - see, maybe if we...i do? - i've never seen you look prettier. - oh, really? -yeah, that sparkle in your eyes, and the glow in your cheeks. - well. - you know, gracie, you look as young today as you did the day i married you. - you know george, you're not making this easy for me. (audience laughs) especially when you tell me the truth like that. but, i have to think of ronnie. let me see, where was i? - george, you need your rest. - oh yes, george you need a rest. - that's where you were. -yeah, you don't look too good. - look gracie, i can save you a lot of trouble. i feel fine and we're not going to palm springs. - oh well, all right. so, you think i look wonderful, huh? - i think you look beautiful. - thanks. - i thought you were thinking of ronnie? - well, i am, but a girl has to think

(coughs loudly) - what caused that? - well, it's very hard for people to know how sick they are unless somebody else catches it. (coughs) - i see. - but, if you don't want to go to palm (coughs) springs, you can just forget it. (coughs) - look, gracie, stop coughing. we're not going to palm springs. (coughs) (audience laughs) - what if a doctor tells you you had to go? would you go then? - i'd even go to altoona. - well, i don't want to lose any time, would you be willing to go to palm springs and have a doctor look at you there? - no, but i'll tell ronnie that you tried. - well thank you, george burns. - poor ronnie, gracie can't seem to get the idea

it was natural when he was a kid and she went to the barber shop with him and cried all during his first haircut. but, he was pretty upset when she did it again three years ago and cried all during his first shave. (audience laughs) she's always worried about ronnie. like last year, when he was thinking of joining a fraternity and she didn't know whether it was the right thing for him so she said, "i'm going to join it first and see how good it is." i said, "gracie, a fraternity is a club for boys." she said, "well sure, you don't think i'd let ronnie join a girl's club." (audience laughs) but, i did talk her into giving ronnie a little more freedom. remember his first big date, he wanted to borrow the car, so i talked to gracie and we decided to let him have it. and then the kid really spent a wonderful evening with this girl. in fact, the only thing that spoiled it was some nosy cop. he had no right to make such a fuss because of a little necking in the back seat.

in mulholland drive and we felt a little romantic. (audience laughs) it would have been nice to go to palm springs and rest for a few days, i love that place. minute i get there, i go to my room, put on my swimming trunks, turn on the sun lamp and relax. i know the sun is shining outside, but when i pay $35 a day for a room, i don't want to leave it. once, they talked me into playing tennis. that's a young man's game. you know, you play singles until you're 25, and from 25 to 35, you play doubles. and, i don't want to tell you exactly how old i am, but when i played there were 28 men on the court. (audience laughs) on my side of the net. naturally, we lost. you know how the loser's supposed to jump over the net and congratulate the winner? we sent him a wire. (audience laughs)

i did that once and enjoyed it, but it was in my dream. i dreamt that i went fishing with gina lollobrigida. and we were alone on this little island. it was really great. i caught a six pound fish, she's a fine cook. i even lie about my dreams.

- so, george refused to go to palm springs. [daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment. that's when the bad feelings started to go away. - yeah, i don't know how he did it, but he outsmarted me some way. - gracie, i have it, i have it. i think i know a way to make harry so anxious to go that he'll force george to go, too! - what is it? - this letter. - well, it's just a circular from a department store.

(laughing) - hello, dear. hello, gracie. - hi, harry. oh, blanche, don't show him that letter from roger. it'll spoil his lunch. - a letter from roger? - now, harry, first have your lunch. - it's spoiled, already. - he'll only be here a week, now have your lunch. - lunch? i'm sorry i had breakfast. -now harry, don't get excited. he won't be here until tomorrow morning. - oooh, that scalawag! he pilfers my money, he wears my clothes, he addresses me as "dum dum," and he consumes more food than a swarm of locusts. and, those are only some of his more lovable qualities. - all right, harry, so you have to put up with roger for seven days - everybody has their problems. look at gracie, she wants to go to palm springs for a week. but, george won't go. - palm springs, a haven of refuge from your fraternal parasite.

- oh, but what about your lunch? - i'll eat it in the car. - [blanche] now, i won't go if gracie can't go! - then, i will force george to take gracie. - how? are you going to play some kind of a trick on him? - oh, certainly not. george is far from brilliant, but only a person completely lacking in intelligence is ever deceived by trickery. - you're so right. - dad, have you crossed me up? - what? - well, mother has your things packed, her things packed, and she says you're taking her to palm springs. - look ronnie, stop worrying. we're not going to palm springs. - yeah, but she's positive you are. - then she must have some little trick working. wonder what her secret weapon is? - george. we must go to palm springs. - the new guided missile. (audience laughs) - i need you to pull the fuse. - i will. - excuse me, mr. morton. - why must we go to palm springs?

he was coming to visit us tomorrow. - really? - i might never have known if gracie hadn't blurted out, "don't show him that letter from roger, blanche, "it might spoil his lunch." - sit down, harry, of course we'll go to palm springs. - oh bless you, george. - yes, we'll have a nice week. we'll have a good rest, we'll stop at the racquet club, i know charlie barrett will give us a rate. instead of $50 a day, i'm sure he'll bring it down to $45 a person. for you and blanche, it will be $90. of course, that's just for the room. and then the meals will be $25 per person, and there's green fees, and caddies, and taxis, and incidentals, and tips. the week shouldn't run you over 14 hundred dollars. (audience laughs) where you going, harry? - to have blanche remove our lunch from the car. and put out the welcome mat for roger. - harry, if you don't go to palm springs, i won't go.

- well, that takes care of that little trick. those girls must be up to something else. i think i'll turn on my television set, and see what patience and prudence are cooking up. - i should have known that harry couldn't force george into going. - well, we're not licked yet, blanche. george said himself, if a doctor told him to go to palm springs, he'd go. so, i'll phone a doctor. - but, george isn't sick. - no, but harry von zell is. - harry von zell? - i'll get him over here, and tell a doctor he's george. and, when the doctor sees how sick harry is, he'll give me a certificate. and when george sees the certificate, he'll realize how sick he is and go to palm springs. - that's a nice, simple little plan. i think i'll complicate it a little. i'll be right back.

- (whispering) good afternoon. - well, this sounds like throat trouble, shall we take a look? - all right, well i don't see anything interesting in there. why don't you look at his throat, instead? (audience laughs) - i will, then i'll take his temperature. would you take the cap off this for me, please? now, open your mouth. say "aah," please. - aagh - again, mr. burns. - huh? - no, not "huh" dear, "aah, aah." -now please, mr. burns, "aah." - i'm not.. - time for your temperature! - mother, you haven't given me the 65 dollars. what's going on? - well, ronnie, your father here is pretty sick, but the doctor will make him well. (audience laughs) - father? - oh, now you see doctor how sick he is? even his own son doesn't recognize him. (audience laughs)

i'll get it, and dad, i've never seen you look worse. (doorbell) - my name is george burns. i'm a doctor of medicine. i always say if we can't get laughs, at least we can keep our show believable. (audience laughs) (doorbell) i told you i'd complicate it. - i'm dr. hemoschlagen, is this the burn's residence? ronnie, we're not going to palm springs. - this is the place. is it safe to go up and pack? - get started. - how do you do? i'm dr. hemoschlagen, which is the patient? must be you, you look very sick. - oh no, i'm fine, - - we are not going to palm springs. - i am sick. - go home and lie down.

then you must be the patient. you even look sicker. - but, i'm a doctor. - then you should know better, go home and go to bed. - i will. i never should have gottten up this morning. - my, my, my, how long have you been dead? (audience laughs) - i'm the patient. - oh you're the patient! well, how are your eyes? - fine. your nose? - good. - your mouth? - fine. - your ears? - fine. - you hear well? - fine. - good, you're fired. - george? - out. - (mumbling) where did everybody go? - everbody left, mrs. burns. i'm dr. hemoschlagen. the patient is up on his feet so your problem is over. good day, mrs. burns. - oh no, doctor. my problems are not over. - oh? - i need 65 dollars to give my son so he can go away for a week. - mrs. burns, you're a very pretty lady.

and put it on my bill, and your husband will never know the difference. - ah, you're sweet. - please, mrs. burns, your husband might see us. - say, how about you and i going to palm springs? - palm springs? - yeah, and we'll stay at the racquet club. - the what club? - the racquet club. you see, my son is going to stay at the desert hacienda, and we wouldn't want to spoil his fun, would we, george? (audience laughs) - before i take this off, is there anybody out there wanna get vaccinated? (audience laughs)

- thank you, very much. well gracie, what'll it be tonight? - well, we could talk about my cousin filo al the private eye, or my aunt clara. - filo al the private eye - or my aunt clara -that sounds good to me. - or my - no, no, no,no. let's stay with filo al the private eye. have i ever met him? -no, but you will as soon as he's acquitted. - you mean, the private eye is in jail? - well, yeah, they arrested him and this other man for loitering in a bank vault at two o'clock in the morning. (audience laughs) - loitering in a...what where they doing there? - well, it wasn't filo's fault. you see, a jealous wife hired him to follow her husband and report where he went nights. - yeah. - well, how did filo know this man was a bank robber? - tell me, what was filo's method? how did he go about tracking down criminals? - oh, he had a wonderful system. now, for instance if he was looking for a murderer, he put an ad in the paper that said,

"and be able to prove it. "apply to filo al immediately." - and this system worked? - no, but that was the only flaw in it. (audience laughs) - isn't being a private eye sort of a dangerous job? - not for a brave man like filo. - he was real brave, that filo, huh? - once a gangster cornered him and filo just said, "go ahead and shoot, i know you're a bad shot." so, the gangster fired six shots at him. - and was he a bad shot? - oh, he certainly was, he missed filo twice. (audience laughs) - you mean he shot filo four times? - yes. - they send for a doctor? - and a piccolo player. (audience laughs) - and a piccolo player? - yeah, to put his fingers on the holes while filo told the doctor where it hurt. (audience laughs) - i'd like to have you say goodnight now, but we've got one more joke. was filo ever in any other tight spot? - well, once he was searching a man's apartment when the man came home unexpectedly.

and hung himself on a hook so he'd look like an old suit of clothes. - and it worked, huh? - oh, beautifully. cousin filo hung there for a week, and then the man donated him and two other old suits to the salvation army. - now gracie, say goodnight. - goodnight. - goodnight. [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show [military music plays] - men, as the commanding officer of this base, it's my duty-- my most unpleasant duty--to read you a communication from fleet headquarters. believe me, i would rather be attacked by kamikazes. - oh. have we done that well, sir? - "lieutenant commander quinton mchale and crew of p.t. 73, etc., etc., etc.-- - no fair skipping, sir. - you shut up, or i'll skip you down to seaman second class.