performance in the como straits operation. your resourcefulness is daring, and your coolness under fire were in the finest traditions of the united states navy. - thank you. - signed admiral john rogers, etc., etc., etc. - what do you know, we're heroes! - yay! - as you were! personally, i consider you the foulest bunch of break-ins ever to escape hanging on a yardarm. - thank you, sir. thank you. you're all heart, captain. - hmm. dismissed! - bye-bye, captain. bye. - ta-da! hi, betsy. i'm here. - oh, hello, tinker. - for you, beautiful. - oh, tinker, you shouldn't have. - it's ok. i stole them from binghamton's garden. - tinker, i tried to call you.

- but you promised. i got big news. i'm a hero. - you mean you're getting a medal? - well, not a medal, exactly. we got this commendation. wait till you hear this. it's beautiful. "for daring resourcefulness and coolness under fire"-- - tinker, i know it's awful of me, but i simply forgot our date when this fighter pilot came in and-- - fighter pilot? - he's been shot down 5 times. - he's causing us taxpayers a fortune. [door opens] - oh, excuse me, tinker, there he is. - but, betsy, i love you. and once more, i'm daring, resourceful, and cool.

- what do you say, skip? - well, now, let me get this straight. you want me to lend you a $250,000 torpedo boat so tinker here can make time with some nurse? - it's such a small favor to ask. - plus--plus which, i let myself be tied up in some cave on an island?

- just long enough for tinker to rescue you single-handed from this japanese commando. - bonsai! - i'm going to bonsai you in a minute! now, come on, out, out! all of you, out! - oh, come on, skip, this is for tinker. - skipper, i'm crazy in love with betsy. - well, that's too bad! there's a war going on, remember? - yeah, and don't forget, we get paid for clobbering those nips. oh, sorry fuje. - skip, don't you even want to think it over a little? - i thought it over! and if i hear one more peep out of any of you 8-balls about dames and heroes, so help me, and i'm going to--i'll feed you to the sharks! - hey, that ain't bad. then tinker can rescue us from a sea full of sharks, and we-- - gruber! come on, get out. out, out, out, out! get out of here! out, out! come on, you, too.

- betsy, betsy--i can't stand it. i can't stand it! - me, neither. grube, you got to do something. - what can i do? you heard the skipper lower the boom. pick a pea. attention! - as you were, men. - "loose lips sinks ships"-- pretty catchy. - betsy has gorgeous lips. i wonder who's kissing them now. - yeah, well, bum show, tink. listen, if you want to come over to my digs and talk it over man to man-- - with who, sir? - well, we'll find somebody--you know who. i mean with me. crying out loud, some guys have no appreciation around here, you know? a guy goes through a lot of trouble once in a while and-- ow! gee--you better watch it, fuji! you know, the geneva convention works both ways. - fuje, put that stuff back in stock, and keep it neat. - somebody else is taking my place

- grube, you got to help our buddy, before i kill him! - no, no mayhem. - while i'm out trying-- - oh. - to keep from crying-- - hey, where'd he learn to sing, anyway? - quiet, you guys, i'm trying to think! [tinker hums] - will you stop humming? he's trying to think! - i got it! loose lips sinks ships, right? so who says we can't also torpedo a dame? - wait a minute. you harm one hair on my girl's head and i'll-- - now, quiet, tink. - what are you driving at, grube? - yeah, come on. - it's simple. betsy wants a hero, we'll get her one. we'll spread the scuttlebutt around that--that tinker here has been picked for a very dangerous mission from which he won't come back. - what kind of mission? - what kind of mission? there's this new secret weapon--good. and the 73 is going out to test it against the nips. don't that make tink a big hero? - yeah, what happens when betty finds out there's no such mission? - that's the beauty part. she falls for you before we go. - she does?

in the cemetery. - yeah, i know betsy. oh, boy, when she hears i'm taking out this new secret weapon-- - what kind of a weapon? - how do i know? it's a secret. anyway, i wouldn't tell you. i'm sorry, fuje. i didn't mean that. all right, you rumor mongers, what are we waiting for? let's go and start loosening up those lips. - yeah, she's in there--betsy, betsy. - get down. down, boy, down. easy, easy now. - i'll take over now, betsy. - thanks, loretta. pick it up from here. - ok. - all right, guys, all set? - boy, i sure don't envy those guys on the 73. - the 73? what about them? - ain't you heard? they called this ultra special mission. - yeah, they're going to try out some new secret weapon. - secret weapon, huh? - wow. sounds like tinker and all those guys will soon be

- yeah, if they still got necks. - well, shh. remember, this is all top secret, so let's keep it real quiet. - do you think we got through to her? - tink, you're in. - let me see how she's taking it. please, virge? - fire in the main locker. - oh! let's get out of here. whoops, too late. hand salute. - that's right, doris. a secret weapon. but don't let it get around. oh, listen, i got to go now. bye. ryan, wait till you hear this. now, you got to promise to keep it under your hat. it's top secret. - baby, my lips are sealed. - well, the way i heard it, halsey told nimitz. "chester," he says, "there's only one crew can handle this. the good old 73. you see, they're checking out some kind of new weapon. and if it works, baroom!

but don't spread it around, huh? this is top--top secret! they don't even know about this in washington yet. - oh. ensign parker, what's new? - hey, carpenter-- - lieutenant carpenter, please. - look, can you keep a top secret? - why, of course. and that's how it is, sir. - but why mchale and the 73 crew? why? - it was f.d.r.'s idea, i heard, sir. and he talked it over with churchill. - but why wasn't i told anything about this? i didn't get any orders from com fleet. who's in command here? - you, sir, and may i say, doing a darn fine job. - oh, shut up. i'm going to get to the bottom of this. where is mchale? - he's on his way over here, sir. - first, a commendation, and now, this. but i tell you, i'm going to make him talk. i'll worm it out of him if i have to strangle him with my bare hands! [knock on door] - ah. mchale reporting, sir. - oh, quint, old man. - "quint, old man"? - yeah, yeah. have a seat, have a seat.

- what do you mean, what is it i want, quint? i mean, do i always have to want something, hmm? after all, we've served together a long time, huh? - yeah, it sure looks that way--sir. [captain binghamton chuckles] - "sure looks that way"--that's cute, cute. ah, quint, you know what they say about the navy. the navy's like a football team. everybody's in there playing that old game together. nobody's trying to hog the glory, quint. you know, when that halfback-- he gets that ball, and he crashes through that line, he wants to--quint? quint, are you listening to me, quint? - oh, yeah, yes, sir. yes, sir, you go right ahead. it's your football. - "it's my football"--i command that you talk, and that's an order! - talk, sir? - i'm a patient man, mchale. i can be pushed just so far, but i demand to know all about-- - atten-hut! - yes, i demand to know all about your atten-hut! oh, admiral rogers. - yes, good afternoon, gentlemen. mchale, i'm glad you're here. i was just coming over to see you. - oh. - is there anything i can do for you, sir? - yes, there is, captain. how would

- oh, a special assignment, mchale. i'm ready for anything, sir. - good. now, you know admiral walsh over in bangalora. - admiral walsh of special weapons? - that's right. he needs a new refrigerator. - oh, he needs--i-- refrigerator? - yes, see that he gets it. mchale, i want to talk to you. - at your service, sir. - in private. do you mind, captain? - oh, ok. no, sir. it's a pleasure, sir. [door closes] - mchale gets the glory and i get stuck with a refrigerator. carpenter, this is a hard piece of cheese to swallow. - well, perhaps if you tried a little glass of water, sir, it'll make it go down-- - oh, shut up about that water.

why do they make the windows so high? down, elroy, down. - yes, sir. - easy, now. don't hurt me. - no, sir. - and right off the island, huh? - yes, sir. lontiki island, sir. why, that has the best marlin fishing in the whole pacific, sir. - all right, all right. well, the senator will like that. - carry on, carry on. carpenter, the window is shut tight. i can't hear a thing. can you read lips? - no, sir, but i can wiggle my ears. - i'll wiggle your-- - oh, sir, they're coming out, sir! quick! - now, i need hardly say, mchale, that mum's the word. - oh, like they say, sir, "loose lips sink ships." - yeah. oh, captain. you will follow through on that refrigerator now? - oh, yes, sir, like a shot, sir. yes, sir. - good, good. - yeah. mchale, just go to my office.

won't it wait? i want to give this lad dinner on my ship. - the admiral's-- - why not? under the circumstances, it's the least i can do. come on, mchale. - somebody up there hates me. - "i can't tell you when, mom. but it's the day after tomorrow. so if i don't come home, remember, i love you. and take good care of yourself and dad and my india rubber plant. your devoted son, charlie." - boy, that's beautiful. - hold it, now. now, chuck, what is all this? - well, i just wanted you to send it to my mommy. you know, just in case. - just in case? - skip, you don't have to talk. i understand. - understand what?

- chuck, what in blazes are you babbling about? - skip, you can trust me. loose lips sink ships. - but, skip, we didn't do anything. just dropped a little scuttlebutt. - to help me with betsy. and ooh, is it helping! - yeah, it's all over the base. - oh. so that's why mr. parker was so-- - uh-huh. - and binghamton? - uh-huh. - i ought to throw you all in the brig! - but, skipper-- - i told you there was a war going on! you bunch of bilge brain glory hounds! - but it was just a little scuttlebutt. that don't hurt anybody. - uh-huh! - after all, what harm can come from a little rumor?

- parker, i'm going to get it out of you if it's the last thing that i ever do. now, you talk! - i have nothing to say, sir. - parker, do you know that i can have you clapped into irons? i could have you flogged right on up to the fleet. now, i know that the mission is set for tomorrow. now, what orders has mchale received? talk. - no comment. - ensign, do you know the penalty for disobeying a superior officer in time of war? - death, sir. - by a firing squad! now, i am a superior officer, this is a time of war, this is your captain speaking! now, you talk! - charles parker, ensign, usnr. serial number 42-13-402. - parker! - oh, wait--no, it is 401, huh? no, no, it's 402. if my dog tags hadn't rusted, i'd-- - who's going to wait for a firing squad?

- oh, sir-- [airplane flying] it's over mchale's island, sir. it's a reconnaissance plane. - the japanese know, but they won't tell me! parker--he's gone. after him! - yes, sir. - oh, excuse me. urgent message from com fleet, sir. - well, give it to me. if you keep it in your hat all day like-- carpenter, this is it. this is it--it's in code! - yes, sir. [captain binghamton chuckles] - well, what do you want? out, out, out. shifty-looking fella. - it's from admiral rogers, sir. - ah, yes, yes, yes. - "where"-- - where-- - "is"-- - is-- - "admiral walsh's"-- - uh-huh. - "refrigerator?" - refrig--refrigerator? oh, this is a saturday end. - oh, it's only thursday today, sir. - shut up! mchale gets the glory and i get stuck with a refrigerator. get mchale on the phone! - yes, sir. - no, no, no, sir. no, it was just a single nip reconnaissance plane. yes, sir. oh, i have no idea what they were looking for, sir.

- mchale, you're going on a mission immediately. be prepared to shove off in one hour. carpenter, i'm a genius. - yes, sir? - i'm going to send mchale to bangalora with a refrigerator. - oh, but, sir, you can't-- - nobody told me to keep him available. when the orders come through, i'll pick the man to go on the mission. - oh, brilliant, sir, just brilliant. - elroy--and this is going to be a great day in your young life. tomorrow, you sail off into history. - i do, sir? - mm-hmm. you certainly do. i'm going to use you to test that secret weapon against the japanese. - oh, but, sir, i'm not worthy of such an honor, sir. - cut, cut, cut, cut--cut, elroy! we're going to see this through together. - you're coming along, sir? - in spirit, in spirit. - oh, but, sir, that's practically a suicide mission. - well, dead or alive, you're bound to get the medal of honor. - oh, please, sir-- - and, elroy, if you do make it, and you've got all those photographers and reporters clustering around you, i'm going to be at your side.

- well, thank you. i got us a jeep. we'll drive to that lonely beach across the island. - betsy, this is the moment i've been waiting for all my life. - hey, tinker! come on, let's go, buddy, on the double. - on the double, where? - back to the island. - virgil, this is betsy, remember? get lost. - oh, sorry, pal. we got orders. we're shoving off right now. - today? i thought it was tomorrow. - that's right, tomorrow. get lost, please. - but skipper told me to bring you back. - well, i'm--i'm not going! - ok, come-- - i won't go back! i won't! - come on, tinker! come on down! - oh, no! - please? - come on! - get lost, i told you! come on now! - but this is your finest hour! - i thought it was going to be. - oh, sorry, buddy. come on, will you? - betsy, baby! betsy! - farewell, my hero! - well, this thing's heavy. - well, they sure got it covered. - and what's in it, skip? - it says here it's a refrigerator. - and that's exactly what it is, a refrigerator. now, come on, knock it off. - a refrigerator?

- what the devil's in this box? - a refrigerator. - and you dragged me away from betsy for this? - there's something funny going on around here, mr. parker. can we take a little peak? - certainly not. and that's an order. now, you heard the skipper. batten down and shh. - hey, guys, i don't like the looks of this. - yeah. they sure are making a big fuss over just a refrigerator. - hey, grube, do you think this could be some sort of secret weapon? - nah. - well, don't you know what they're saying over at the main base? - what's that? - they say de gaulle wanted those frenchies to test this thing. - you're kidding. - but f.d.r. told him it was earmarked for the 73. - you don't say. i heard it was churchill who--wait a minute. we started that rumor. - even so, where there's smoke, there's fire. - now, listen-- - hey, grube? - yeah, ryan? - remember that crap game when we all went into hock to pay you? - yeah.

- deadbeat ryan is paying up? - all of us, grube. we wouldn't want it on our conscious now. - yeah, that ought to do it, all right, parker. all right, boys, get ready to shove off. - hey, skip, what are we carrying? - yeah, where are we really going? - oh, come on, now. what's eating you guys? - skip, can you tell us the target for tonight? - yes. yes, i can. bangalora. and we're delivering a refrigerator to some admiral. - oh, come on, skip. - give it to us straight. - we can take it. - all right, now, stow it! you heard the skipper! it's a refrigerator. isn't it? - that's right! now, doggone it, stop your jabbering, will you? come on now, you rumor mongers, let's get moving! tinker, start your engines!

enjoying the fringe benefits! - will you get moving, you bunch of 8-balls? come on! gruber, this is the last time i'm going to say it. this is not a secret mission. and that is a refrigerator we're carrying. - skipper, don't you trust us? - oh, this is the living end! now, look, you 8-balls have fallen for your own scuttlebutt! and i've had all i'm going to take from you guys. - hey, bandits at 10:00! there's a pack of them! - hey, there must be hundreds of them! - well, what could they want from us? [gunfire] - does that answer your question? not a secret mission, eh? [gunfire] christy, let's get out of here! - hey, sub off the port side! - that's--that's starboard, you dummy!

- evasive action. - now, how could those nips have found out? - how else? gruber and his big mouth! [gunfire] - boy, loose lips are going to sink a ship, all right. - ours. - all right, virgil, come on, pour it out. get us out of here. - hey, the engines have conked out. we're carrying too heavy a load. - well, dump it over the side! - but, skip-- - come on, you heard me! get this blasted box over the side! on the double! - roger. - but, skip, you can't do that. - who says so? get it over the side, come on! - well, what's f.d.r. going to say? and churchill? [bombs whistling through air] [gunfire] [splash] - all right, there she goes. try the engines now.

- it looks as if they're going after it. - hey, christy, head for that cove. - hey, there's a nip sub in the way. - what? stand by to fire torpedoes! [gunfire] - fire one! fire two! bingo! all right. come on, boy, let's make tracks. - they got it! skip, they got the box! - down! whew.

- i told you, you gooney bird! - hey, how about that? inventing a secret weapon that

- all right, now. all right. our hero. go get her, tink. - betsy, look. it's a bronze star. we sank the sub and--

- don't worry, tinker. you shall return. we'll start some new scuttlebutt. we'll--we'll spread the word for betsy that-- - you were saying, oh, great loose lips? [mumbles] he won't get home in the morning he won't get home-- - hey, hold it down there! you're going to wake up fuji, and he needs his sleep. he works hard enough as it for us. - what sleep? there's a light on in his shack. - shh. come on. - i bet 3,000 yen. i think you bluffing.

uh, i've had enough. i go to bed. good night. - gone. - yeah. while we're out having a blast, why, he's left over here all alone as usual. i wouldn't blame the guy for going stir crazy. - well, skip, i hate to interject, but prisoners of war can't go to parties. - he can't go to a party, but is there anything wrong in us bringing him one? [all agree] - that's a great idea. - why don't we give an authentic japanese tea party with all the trimmings-- authentic costumes, food, the works. - hey, that's great. - that would be fun. - before that greedy little mind of yours starts working, this is gonna be at cost, right? - oh, of course, skip.

- come on. - shhh. this is supposed to be a surprise. you don't want fuji to hear, do you? - yeah, you guys heard the skipper. - now, shh. move out. [loud noise]

- i tell you that i'm having headaches and i keep having nightmares, and you keep taking my blood pressure. - could you be quiet for a minute? - i didn't come here for a physical. i don't want a physical. i just want some of those blue pills. give me some of those blue pills. - blue pills are not going to help you, wally. now, you're past due for a leave. why don't you take a week off and go to new caledonia? - oh, how can i go away and let the base be at the mercy of mchale and his bell- bottomed dillingers? - sir! - ow! look what you did. do you always have to salute? i hate a square, lieutenant. look what you did now. you made it go up. - i'm sorry to interrupt, sir, but i have a theft to report. we just took warehouse inventory, sir, and we are missing 12 parachutes, 2 sides of pork, 10 pounds of tea, and 40 pounds of rice. - oh, i know, you want me to take a leave. i take a leave. do you hear that? do you know what that is? that's mchale. let's go. - now, wait a minute. i'm not through yet. - then you'll have to go with us.

one authentic japanese kimono, made with american know-how. - we got too much parachute, skip. - yeah, maybe you ought to take up a little bit on the ripcord, huh? - hey, crew, can you do something about these sleeves? i hear they're wearing them shorter this year. - complaints, complaints. how can an artiste work under all these pressures? willy, snip it off, will ya? - come on, not with me in it! and i want it hem-stitched. - bah. - hey, chuck, how you doing? - huh? oh, [speaking japanese] skipper-san. - hey, that's terrific, chuck. oh, boy, is fuji gonna be surprised when we spring all this on him. ha ha ha. - parker, where did you learn to speak japanese? - yeah. - in my sleep. - in your sleep? - what? - yeah, i just got these japanese sleep teach records from the states. boy, if we don't win the war pretty soon, i'm going into espionage. - on whose side? - oh, that's pretty funny, sailor. that's insubordination. - all right, all right, ok. hold it, hold it, you samurais. now listen, how does this work, boy? - well, it's pretty simple. you just take one of these records and you put it on the phonograph, and then when you go to sleep at night,

the pillow-- - [recording] good morning. [speaking japanese] how are you today? [speaking japanese] would you call me a taxicab? [speaking japanese] - hey, i like that one. it'd sure come in handy at ebbets field. [speaking japanese] - eh, get lost, you bum! - all right, all right. guys, i gotta study. besides, i'm working on my speech to welcome fuji to our little tea party. i'll just bow and say--[speaking japanese] - what does that mean? - it means, "i have a little bluebird in my pencil box." - listen, we better be keeping an eye out for fuj. - hey, i tell you what. you guys keep going what you're doing, i'm going to take up some, take some rifles up for him to clean. that ought to keep him busy for the rest of the afternoon.

- hi, fuj. - hi, skipper-san. i finished. can go back to camp now? - oh, good, good. oh, no, no, no. i'll take the coconuts back. look, you stay here and clean up these rifles, ok? that's a good boy. - did you see that? what are you doing back here? - oh, i'm sorry [indistinct] ooh! - sounds like we got visitors. head for that cave in the hills. go on. - mchale is out there. he is swapping the enemy rifles for coconuts. this is better than i hoped for. take a look. huh? huh? - [whistling] - i got him this time, carpenter, and you're my witness.

- yes, witness at the court martial. - court martial? - yes, swapping a japanese sailor rifles for coconuts. it's treason. - [whistling] - all right, stick them up! i've got you this time, you traitor. where's the japanese? where is he? - shh, not so loud, sir. you'll disturb the yellow-bellied sap-sucker. [whistling] - don't you get smart with me, mchale, and don't you move. you're under arrest. - arrest, sir? for bird watching? - you're not going to wiggle out of this one, mchale. i saw you trading our rifles to a nip sailor for coconuts, and carpenter here is my witness, right? - well, sir, i got caught on that bush with my gun belt, and i didn't real-- - carpenter! when i ask a direct question, i want a direct answer. - yes, sir. - all right, then. see, you did see him trading the coconuts for the rifles. - no, sir. - how dare you contradict your commanding officer! - ah, sir--

look, there's nobody here but me and that yellow-bellied sap sucker. - then you're both under arrest for treason! keep moving. and that nip is around here somewhere. i want to find him if i had to search the entire area. here, nip. here, nip. - now, now, now. just a second. captain binghamton! - can't you keep your voice down? stop that. - well, anything you say. captain binghamton! - cut that out! that's an order! - yes, sir! - that was the skipper's voice. - i bet he's run into binghamton. - quick, let's get rid of this stuff. [japanese record continues to play] - mr parker, mr.parker, condition red! binghamton's coming! - tashi, tashi! tashi, tashi! - who needs a taxi at this time? let's get out of here. - quiet, carpenter. we're getting near that nest of traitors. [indistinct] - i'll let you have it. - all right, now, men, this is a machine gun.

now, that's a lot of-- that is a lot of rounds. - all right, you bunch of mikado lovers. on your feet. i got you covered. - all right, mikado lovers, on your feet! you heard him. - i got you covered. - right. oh, virgil's not covered. virgil, you better get covered, boy. - no, sir. no tricks. - uh, fellows, the captain here thinks that he saw a japanese sailor on our island. - a japanese sailor, sir, on this island? hah! - yes, a japanese sailor, sir, on this island, hah, and i got your front man here trading him rifles for coconuts. - oh, well, i'm afraid you're mistaken, sir. you see, according to navy regulations, article one, paragraph 21, well, that's strictly against the rules. of course, now, they don't say anything about coconuts. - i'm not gonna wait for any firing squad. i'm gonna let him have it right here! - now, captain, no sense questioning these men. they're all in this thing together. carpenter, i want a squad of marines over here. - but, sir-- - on the double! - yes, sir. - you men, you just freeze. not one of you move! you moved. i saw you move. you moved, you moved!

- here they come. - i tell you, boy, somewhere on this island there is a japanese sailor. he is carrying 3 american rifles, and we are not gonna leave here until we find him. - are you all right, sir? - oh, it's the blasted headaches again. and you're not helping me any. i gotta lie down for a few minutes. i'll take parker's hut. it's got the least chance of being contaminated. - have a good rest, hmm? - hey, my japanese records. i better-- i think i'm gonna forget about it. - have a good rest, he says. here i am surrounded by spies, traitors, japanese.

[snoring] - [recording plays] good morning. [speaking japanese] how are you today? [speaking japanese]

- here comes carpenter with the doctor. this may give us a chance. hey, doc, i'd like to talk to you! come on. - yeah, i got a couple of things to say, too. ow! that's one of them. - i'm sure glad you got here, doc. boy, the boys are sure upset. did carpy tell you? the captain is acting strange. - yeah, carpenter told me something about this charge of treason. - uh-huh. - yeah, binghamton's flipped his lid. - ah, he's gone island-happy. - yeah, doc, you better call the paddy wagon. - all right, here, anyway-- ah, flip, boy. what are you doing here anyway? why, why, why, why? - well, carpenter told me about this treason charge,

exactly what happened between you and mchale? - well, that's an open-and-shut case. i just caught benedict arnold here trading our rifles for coconuts with a japanese sailor. - oh, now, come on, captain, you can't-- - [speaking japanese] and don't you forget that. he said he was out there watching a yellow-bellied sap sucker. of course, that's ridiculous, so i just looked him right in the eye and said to him [speaking japanese]. anyway, there's no doubt that he-- whitmore, are you listening to me? why are you all staring at me? - nothing, captain. i was just wondering, since when do you speak japanese? - japanese? but, are you crazy? i don't speak any japanese! - but you just did, sir. we just heard you. - oh, you just-- this is the most utterly ridic-- carpenter, did you hear me speak any japanese? - i'm afraid so, sir. - there, you see? carpenter-- when i want your opinion, i'll ask for it!

i am going to call comfleet intelligence, and have them send a search team over here, and when i tell them [speaking japanese] well, they'll be right over! - oh, doctor, doctor, can't you-- - no, he can't! i'm still in charge here. and as far as i'm concerned, mchale, you're just [speaking japanese] me speak japanese. that's the most ridic-- what kind of a doctor are you? - well, skip, what do we do? - yeah. - if those intelligence boys show up, fuji's a goner. - yeah, and us with him. - yeah, i know, i know. we've only got one chance. huh, now, you know, carpy and the doc both think that old leadbottom's got a case of the jungle jollies. now, if we can only convince binghamton, maybe he'll call off those intelligence boys. - how do we do that, skip? - oh, questions, always questions. we gotta shake him up good, that's what.

yeah, and i got a few ideas on that subject. come on with me, you bunch of spooks, come on. - able baker to blue leader. able baker to blue leader, over. - blue leader, this is blue leader. come in, able baker. - we're now directly under captain binghamton's window. - ok, men, we are about to begin operation gaslight. - able baker to blue leader.

ready for phase 2 anytime you are. - all right, boys, this is it. ready on the firing line? - ready, skip. - fire one. [whooshing sound] - fire 2. [indistinct noise] - fire 3. [louder noise] - ok, virgil, go!

- batten down the hatches! secure all gear! it's a monsoon! - sir? - snap to it, you idiot! it's a monsoon! the whole island's going to be washed away with-- well, check your rifle or something. don't just stand around there in the middle of a thing like this going on--

- must've been a nightmare. what a dream. i'm in a cold sweat. the bed is in a cold sweat. i'll never get any sleep now. oh, hang it. [snoring] - phase 2 complete. ready for phase 3. - chuck, let's hit it.

- japanese! we're being attacked! there's a pair of japanese out there! japanese! [gunshots] japanese, japanese! ah, i got 'em, i got 'em, i got 'em. i got 2 of them. - 2 of what, sir? - japanese! i tell you this whole island is crawling with japanese! they're gonna sneak up on me, these japanese. i got 'em. they're right-- just a minute, i'll show you the bodies. [muttering] did you see 2 japanese run out of here? - no, sir, i didn't even see the rain. - the guard told us about the monsoon, wally, and now he's-- please give me the rifle, thank you. get back in the bed. - [indistinct] - just a bad dream that you've been having. i'm sure you'll be a lot more comfortable without the hat. - oh, things will look much better in the morning, sir. just, just get to sleep, sir, get to sleep. - ah, sleep. i want to sleep. i'd love to sleep. but i don't dare close my eyes, with all this here-- [snoring]

now we begin our own little sleep teaching class. captain binghamton, captain binghamton, listen carefully. there are japanese on mchale's island. there are japanese on mchale's island. do you hear me? - there are japanese... on mchale's island. - you must go to mchale's island to catch the japanese. - i must go to mchale's island to catch the japanese. - you must leave now. - i must leave now? i must go to mchale's island. there's japanese on mchale's island. i must go to mchale's island. i must go now? yeah, i must go now.

- sir? - i must go to mchale's island. - but, sir-- - i must go now. - but it's 5 a.m., sir. - i must go to mchale's island. i must go now. [gong] - [speaking japanese] - ooh! - [speaking japanese] - [with japanese accent] ah, so, we have unexpected guest. - what's going on here? - [with japanese accent] welcome to imperial japanese naval base. allow me to introduce most unworthy self.

- quintishi makelaka-- you're mchale. - i so solly, but i makelakawa, and this my most humble p.t. boat crew. just completed 50 mission. - there's something wrong here. - ah, [speaking japanese] commander-san. - allow me to introduce most honorable executive officer, chukashito parkermura. - ah, greeting, yankee dog. - yankee do-- this is parker. - oh, i never heard of honorable him. no, i parkermura, yeah. so sorry i late for tea party. i trying to get bluebird out of pencil box. that tough teriyaki.

for honorable guest. - [speaking gibberish] - must remove shoe for tea ceremony. - [speaking gibberish] - what, refuse tea ceremony? insult to descendants of samurai! yankee swine, you die! - please don't get carried away, mr. parker. it's the only head i got! - ah, carpenter! thank goodness you're here. how many marines have you got with you? - well, just this one guard, sir. - just one? it'll have to do. come on, follow me. - but where, sir, where? - where? mchale, mchale is really japanese. the whole island is filled with japanese. we'll spread out. we'll surround them. they're right in the middle of a tea break. - oh, sir. - better follow him, sir. that rifle's loaded! - 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4. - all right, you bunch of nips. get them up.

the boys have them up up as far as they can go, sir. - what's going on here? where's makelakawa and the japanese p.t. boat crew? they were all here. they were wearing kimonos and drinking tea, but-- - uh, japanese kimonos? tea? but captain, it's 5:00 in the morning. we just had reveille, sir, and now it's time for calisthenics. - [babbling incoherently] there were japanese here. parker, you saw it. please, boy, tell me you saw the japanese. - well, sir, there's nobody here but us yankees, but if you want a cup of tea i'll get you one, sir. - no, no, no, no! no, no, no tea! [speaking japanese] [catches himself] i don't speak japa-- why would i say that-- oh, my head. oh, the pains. the pains are coming back. i could die. doctor, i need leave. i needs lots of leave and a little love. please, doctor, please. [speaking japanese] [all cheering] - oh, we did it!

- and now, a toast to our guest of honor. to the honorable takeo fujiwara, known to us all affectionately as our dear friend and prisoner, fuji. [all cheer] - arigato. - i'll be back in a minute, carpenter. i just can't leave for new caledonia without apologizing to mchale for those terrible things i said about him. - fuji [speaking japanese] - oh, mchale, i just want to--

- what happened, sir? you're white as a sheet! what did you see, sir? - nothing, i didn't see anything. i didn't see anything at all. get to new caledonia, quick, quick, quick, quick! come on! o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed uh, hi, wilbur. ed. what are you doing? looking for the tv section. i'm sorry, you can't watch anything now. carol is on the air in just a few minutes. your wife's on television? yep. she's making a speech for the women's voters league.