"will present him with," get this, "a gold model of a tractor." - a tractor, oh no! - well, springfield is the state's leading manufacturer of tractors. - but it sounds so corny! - well perhaps, pardon me. that's it, it's a nice looking trophy, it has an inscription about the fruits of labor and all. - well i'd hate to be the citizen chosen to present it to the governor. - you won't be. they have a list of carefully handpicked candidates to choose from. which is funny, because it's supposed to be a big, democratic gesture (audience laughs) using a typical citizen at random. - wow, the new park is going to have the state's largest rose gardens! - oh, and that reminds me, (sets cup down) guess who's applying for the job of gardener for those gardens? our old friend, frank. - really, how'd you find out? - i ran into him at the city hall yesterday. he was lost and actually looking for the park department. so i directed him and gave him my business card as a reference. - well, he'd be wonderful for the job.

(loud noises) (singing) - gosh, what's that, a wreck? - it's a wreck alright, the one e ank drives. frank we were just talking about you. - buenos d^as, seorita betty, it's so nice to see you. (greeting frank) buenos d^as seora, seor anderson. i've come to tell you the great thing that happened to me. - [betty] you got the rose garden job! - no, i no hear about that yet. but this is even greater! - [margaret] what is it frank, go ahead and tell us. - me, frank, i am going to meet the seor governor. - the governor? - the governor, you? - s^, they sent me the telegraph. i had it here. oh, gracias! (unfolding paper) read it out loud to make sure it's what he say. my landlady, she read it to me, but she don't read much better than me. (audience chuckles) - "mr. frank smith, this is," wait a minute. is that your name, smith?

it was ruiz de garc^a mendoza. but nobody can spell it, so i take u.s.a. name frank! - we know that, but, - [frank] and everybody say, "what is your last name?" and i say, "what is most popular u.s.a. last name?" (jim laughs) and everybody say "smith!" so i take it, so i be popular. (audience laughs) and boy, i sure am getting popular, no? (audience laughs) go ahead, please. - [margaret] well, it's frank's address alright, so it must mean him. - "this is to inform you that your name has been drawn, "to represent, "represent the people of springfield "at the governor's dedication of bradbury park "saturday." - well it has been chosen you! - [kathy] hey mommy, where's my breakfast? frank, hi! hi! - seorita kathy! you're friends with a big man now! un gran hombre, i tell you all about it. - [kathy] sure, come on, let's go in the kitchen. (laughing) - [margaret] good. - so do you know what you have to do with the governor

- just meet him i suppose. i say, "hello, seor gov," and he say, "hello, frank." (family laughs) - [betty] oh no, there's more to it than that, frank. you have to present him with a gold model of a tractor. - [frank] tractor? - yea, you also have to give a little speech. matter of fact, this telegraph says your supposed to meet with the committee this morning at 9:30, to get all your instructions. so you better hurry! - [frank] 9:30? - yea! - [frank] oh i'd better get going pronto! - wait a minute, wait a minute. room 206, city hall. - s^, gracias. - don't forget now. - no, no, seor. (all say goodbye to frank) (jim chuckles) - what a happy guy. - [margaret] i've never seen him so happy. - i'd still love to know how they picked him. (frank singing outside) (jim laughs) and that name slays me, frank smith! (excited music) - well, where's our man frank smith? he was supposed to be here at 9:30.

no one's going to miss out on a big honor like this. - i can't seem to remember which of our candidates was this smith fellow, can you recall, charlie? - not exactly, but we were sure lucky to draw a name like that. frank smith, good solid american name. (loud vehicle outside) newspaper boys liked it. (loud crash outside) - scott, what's happened? - wrecking crew? (jovial music) (audience laughs) - they shouldn't let those transient workers park in the main lot, makes the place look like grapes of wrath. (audience laughs) better call smith. (picks up telephone) elsie, do we have a telephone number for frank smith? what, he's here? oh good, send him right in. (hangs up telephone) now, let me see, where's that speech he's going to give? - it's over here by the sofa.

- buenos d^as, seores. - uh, pedro. (closes door) - buenos d^as. - yes, whatever it is you want, could you come back later, we're busy now. - gracias, but she say you wanted to see me. i'm frank smith. (whimsical music) (audience laughs) - you? you're frank smith? - s^, frank smith, u.s.a.

(audience laughs) oh, this little tractor i'm going to give to seor gov? - three months of careful planning. (audience laughs) (trumpet music) three long months. (audience laughs) (door shuts) - [jim] well, charlie garrett, how are you? come in, sit down. - hello, jim. - well, how's the park dedication shaping up? - oh, just great (laughs). - sounds like it's going to be a big affair, the governor and all. - the seor gov you mean? (audience laughs) pretty funny joke you pulled on us, jim. but now how are we going to get rid of him? (audience laughs) - rid of who, what are you talking about? - frank smith. worst of it is, his name's already been printed in the papers. sure, we want to be democratic, draw the name of some plain, average citizen. but this (laughs), this is ridiculous. (audience laughs) - i had nothing to do with this.

- don't know how? - [jim] no. - it was you who slipped him into the line of candidates yesterday. here's your recommend, you can have it back. - well charlie, i (laughs) i admit, i did recommend frank, but-- - [charlie] i can see how you slipped him into the line. but how did you work it that we would draw his name from that box, how did you manage that? - well fate handled that, not me. (jim chuckles) the reason i recommended frank was-- - we know the reason. the thing now is to think up a graceful way of having him withdraw. - withdraw? - certainly. the governor's going to be there, jim. so out steps a representative of the people of springfield to welcome him? and who is it, a broken down tramp! - now wait, charlie, i, i know frank very well. there's not a finer person in this town. he's completely honest. - so he's honest, but he looks like a--

trying to bring a little beauty into the world through his gardening and by trying to make people happy. how many of your other handpicked candidates can match that? - look, jim, a joke is a joke. - i'm not joking. as far as i'm concerned, you couldn't have made a better selection. he's not withdrawing. - but think how he looks, how he talks, he can't even speak english! - now you leave that to me. i'll take full responsibility for him. (sits in chair) he'll look alright, and he'll talk alright. and you'll be as proud to be his friend as i am. - you're actually serious about this, aren't you? - you bet i'm serious. frank smith's name was drawn. and frank smith is going to be your man. (victorious music) (commotion) - ok, frank. here's your speech. and there is the whole town of springfield. (cheering)

- and this will be the gold model of the tractor. - stand up straight, and run through it once. (frank clears throat) (audience chuckles) - hello, seor gov, here is your new tractor. (audience laughs) - (chuckling) oh, no, frank, no, no. - hey, how i going to shake hands with the gov, with my hands all full of this junk? (audience laughs) - don't worry about that, and don't say seor gov. call him governor bradbury. and don't make up your own words, just use the speech the committee wrote for you. - got you. (audience laughs) - governor brodborry, (audience laughs) - no, no, no, no (chuckles). not brodborry, bradbury. - s^. governor broadbrewery. (andersons laugh)

- that's great. - as a representative of the citizens of spring-- - oh no, not "seetizens," citizens. cit, cit. - you told me to stand. (audience laughs) (andersons laugh) - i'm beginning to swing over to charlie garrett's viewpoint. (audience laughs) - how am i doing so far? - great. - as a representa-- - look, frank, why don't you go in the den and work on this? with betty? (audience laughs) (pats his back)

u had a chat with your daughter, what'd you tabout? what time will you be home? who's driving? and who are you going with? be true to yourself baby. are those my shoes? get your homework done first. i am so proud of you. here's something else i'm discussing with my daughters. it's the connection between cervical cancer and some types of hpv,

a virus that causes cervical in thousands of american women each year. and if you're african-american, you may be at higher risk. the good news is that cervical cancer can be prevented through screening. even if they don't ways admit it, our daughters are depending on us. to learn more about the connection between cervicalanr and hpv, talk to your doctor and sit make the connection dot org. make the connection is public education campaign sponsored by the cancer research and prevention foundation and the step up women's network. cervical cancer and hpv, make the connection. that's make the connection dot org. i just made a wild guess! - s^, the pants are muy bueno. - good. - [margaret] here, let me fix your tie. - hey, i sure going to look like something, eh? - you bet, now how does that feel? big enough? - s^, bastante. - whoop. - no, not much good for gardening.

- [jim] don't worry about that. - hey, the seor gov's sure going to be proud of me, eh? - not seor gov, frank, now what are you supposed to say? - governor bradahbury. - that's closer. - gracias. hey, who gave me these clothes, the committee? - [jim] not exactly. - i thought it was them, because they've been so nice. trying to give me a trip and all. - [jim] trip? what trip? - oh, the committee come to me and say, "frank, how you like to make vacations trip, "to yellowstone's national park? "we pay the bills, here's your ticket." - [jim] oh. - and i say, "oh, no, i got to stay here, "and give the tractor to the governor." and they say, "oh, we get somebody else to take your place." but i say, "oh no, this my citizen duty." - good for you, frank, you said the right thing! - they sure must like me. all these things they try to do me.

- yea, they're trying to do you alright, that's for sure. (audience laughs) look, frank, just to be safe, maybe you'd better stay with us until the dedication ceremony on saturday. - stay here? - sure. - oh no, too much bother. - oh no, it's no bother at all. we'll fix up a place for you to sleep in the den. - oh, but i need lots of fresh air. - we can open the window. - all the fresh air you need right here. - i know, you have the camping tent? i sleep in there. - oh no, i wouldn't think of it, frank. - that's ridiculous, why would you sleep in the camping-- - it is good to have the thing settled, gracias. - [bud] the other morning he was up at daybreak, working and singing. - [betty] well i kept him up quite late last night rehearsing. he's getting pretty good now. - i hope so, the ceremony's today. (audience laughs) - i heard some noise last night, i thought the committee was trying to steal him. (betty laughs) - could be, they've been phoning my office the last couple days trying to locate frank. but i think we have it made now. if old frank could only remember his speech. - he will, right after breakfast, we'll put on our full best rehearsal for you. - good.

the mayor has just given the governor the keys to the city. - [jim] yes. - and so i now give you, the man of the people, frank smith! (cheering and clapping) - [jim] bravo, bravissimo! - governor bradbury, as a representative of the city's citizens of springfield, it is my honor to present you with this trophy, which symbolizes the fruits of our labor. (doorbell rings) - [margaret] wait a minute, frank, don't go on. i want to hear the rest of it. - hey, how i am doing, bueno? (family encourages him) - mrs. anderson? - [margaret] hello, mr. garrett. (audience laughs) - let's get you outside. - [frank] but why? - [jim] never mind, go on, frank, go on over there, come on.

we want it to be a surprise. - oh s^, a surprise. - [betty] you stay right here, don't move until we get rid of mr. garrett. - [jim] well, charlie garrett, come on in, good to see you. - [charlie] jim. - how's everything going? - [charlie] you should know. (closes door) ok, jim, we give up, where have you got him hidden? (audience laughs) - [jim] hidden? who? - who, frank smith! don't act so innocent. (audience laughs) time is running out, jim, so i'll have to be blunt. we just plainly do not want that smith, or whatever his real name is, standing out there in front of the governor, disgracing the whole town. - [jim] now wait a minute, charlie-- - [charlie] we have another chap all set to take his place. - how are you going to explain that to the newspapers? - we'll handle that, now look jim-- - charlie, i told you i'd take full responsibility for him. and i guarantee he'll do a good job. - he's been taking speaking lessons night and day. - [betty] and he has a fine new suit. - [kathy] and he looks pretty in it too. - [bud] and he's a darn good guy. - you see what you're up against charlie?

- yea, quite a lobby group. (audience laughs) well, if you refuse to cooperate, all i can say is, he better by george make a decent showing. - he will. - [charlie] because if he doesn't, the whole fiasco'll be on your head. - i'm not worried, and don't you worry either. we'll see you this afternoon at the park, charlie. (opens door) goodbye. - [margaret] goodbye. (closes door) - [bud] boy, we sure told him, didn't we dad? - [kathy] i don't like him! - oh charlie's alright, he's just trying to make this as good as he possibly can. ok, get frank and we'll finish the rehearsal. (all agree) - frank. (dramatic music) frank! frank, come back in the house. we're going to finish the rehearsal. (knocks) frank? (curious music) frank! frank!

father, he's gone! - [margaret] oh, any luck? - not a trace of him. i checked the plant nursery, everywhere. - [margaret] his landlady said she hasn't seen him either. - i can't imagine where he could've gotten to, in that old truck of his in so short a time. i don't suppose bud and the girls had any luck either. - [margaret] oh they're not back yet, but i doubt it. - well, nothing to do now, but go to the park and make charlie garrett happy by telling him he doesn't have to worry about frank smith anymore. oh boy i hate to do it. - [margaret] it's nearly time for the dedication. - come on, we better hurry. (marching band music) - [charlie] gosh, jim, i wish i had know about this. - [steve] three minutes to go, charlie. - ok, steve. jim, i wish you'd let me know this sooner. - i know i should've, charlie, and i'm sorry, but, we were so sure that we'd find frank. - and he was so well prepared.

so luckily i have another fellow standing by to go on. ed, can you tell that chap george morgan to get ready to go on? - dad, dad! (audience laughs) we found him, dad, we found him! - charlie, charlie, frank's here! - he is, well it's-- (audience laughs) ok, now listen, as soon as this band number's over, (crowd applauds) well it's over now. the mayor will present the governor with the key to the city now, and then he'll introduce smith. so get him up there. - [jim] ok.

- [jim] frank, what in the world happened to you? - seor, i must not do this. i no want to disgrace the town. - [jim] you're not going to disgrace anyone. now you just get up there and do your best. come on. - but i don't have the suit. (all tell him he looks fine) - [kathy] go on, go on. - [jim] hurry. - [betty] he's still clutching one of those silly trees he was planting. - [anderson family] go. (jim sighs) - oh, he doesn't have that tractor model he's supposed to give the governor. - oh they probably have that out there. come on, let's see if we can crowd in someplace where we can watch him. (crowd applauds) - and now, we have a special memento for you, governor. which comes right from the hearts of the people of springfield. and here to present it, is a man chosen from our good citizens, mister, frank smith. (crowd applauds)

(clapping) (chatting in crowd) - uh, seor governor bradbury, (chuckling in background) i was supposed to give you a little tractor, and say, it is the "fruit of my labor." i no make tractor. this is what i do. i plant trees, and flowers, to make the world more beautiful. today out along the highway, i have been planting trees,

(beautiful music) and the trees will show them this is a good town, because trees are like people. and the wonderful thing about trees is that all different kinds grow side by side. no one tree say to another, "you no good, don't you grow here." instead, they bow to one another in the wind, and say, "hello, amigo," and it is good. (beautiful music) this is what i have to give, maybe you plant it in your park. gracias.

- thank you, mr. smith. this, this memento has quite profound significance. it, it signifies that you have a city of beauty, and true fellowship. this tree shall indeed be planted in your new park. in fact, mr. smith and i will plant it together. (joyous music) this is an american elm, isn't it? - oh, s^, boy, you sure know your trees, seor gov! (audience laughs) (charlie claps)

(people in crowd whistle and cheer) (orchestral music) - [voiceover] robert young and jane wyatt with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin in father knows best. - mighty good breakfast honey. i may put you on steady. - father, would you take this no good radio back to ebert's radio shop? - i can't now, i have to go to work. - on saturday? - even saturday. i also have to welcome my new neighbor. oh, honey, do you remember walter cameron? - walter cameron? - well, anyway, i knew him in school, a wonderful fellow. his son tom, a young lawyer,

walt wrote and asked me if i'd sort of help the boy without the boy knowing about it. it seems he's, um, pretty independent, doesn't want any favors from his dad's friends. - well, that sounds commendable. - he doesn't know that i was instrumental in him getting this office, hmm. - [betty] oh, it will just take you a second - [jim] sorry princess, i'm late now. - [betty] to take this radio back for me. - [jim] goodbye. (laughter) (door slams) - okay, what's wrong with the radio? - it's disintegrating i think. - oh my goodness, it's brand new, isn't it? - i bought it less than a month ago. i sure got gypped. and there's nothing i hate more than being deceived. - yeah, this is just junk. better take it back. - will you do it for me? - i can't, i got to study all weekend for a physics exam. you can do it. - now i, i, i can't argue with people. they always out talk me and i wind up by getting gypped twice as bad. - well don't let them out talk you. you have to learn to be firm. - tell them that the condensers are bad, the wiring's shot, the part's are cheap, just keep talking and don't let them say anything. - i want to ask for my money.

- or you'll report him to the better business bureau! and then walk out. (laughter) - if i do that, how do i get my money? - don't worry, by now you'll have him scared and they'll get in touch with you and then you got it made. - where'd you say you bought it? - ebert's. oh here's a sales slip. look they even got my name wrong, peggy anderson. that shop. - if i were you betty, i'd go down right now, while you're all steamed up. - yeah, hit with a flat iron while it's hot. (upbeat orchestral music) - i bought this radio here and it's no good. the condensers are shot, the wiring's bad - [man] alright, now wait a minute. - and the parts are cheap and i don't intend to be taken advantage of with junk like this. i bought this on good faith and i want my money back or i will report you to the better business bureau. - to the better business bureau? - here's the sales slip.

- look, mr. ebert's-- - there! now wait a minute. miss. (door slams) (sad orchestra music) - ok sir, i think she'll work alright now. - [mr. ebert] it be 4.50. - heh? oh, oh, fine. 4.50? - what's this? another set that needs fixing? - no, that belongs to a young lady, and i better warn you, she's pretty steamed up. she say's it's no good. - [mr. ebert] oh? - yes, she say's she wants her money back or she'll report you to the better business bureau. - well she's got no claim. look here. it say's right here, in black and white, "no parts or labor guaranteed." - that's mighty small print. - [mr. ebert] they can read. those are just inexpensive sets. i couldn't afford to repair them. i'd go broke. - well, all i can say is you've lost a mighty pretty customer. as a matter in fact, you lost two. - [mr. ebert] now wait! here's what i'll do, i'll sell her another one at cost.

- in fact, i'll make it $10 even. if you want to take one to her. - no, i don't actually know this gi'-- take one to her? yeah, yeah. that's not a bad idea. $10 you say? - yeah, and i'm losing money. i'll get you another one out of the back room. (romantic orchestra music) - peggy anderson. - i certainly don't intend to get stuck again. - no, no, of course you don't. i don't blame you. - you can plug it in there. - fine. now we'll test this one thoroughly. even if it takes all day, and some times it does. - what was wrong with the other one? - well, i, the condensers were over-rectifying the amps so that the kilocycles fulminated the ac onto the dc. that's bad. - i see.

- oh, that's mr. ebert, from the radio shop. - from the radio shop? well, he doesn't know the first thing about a radio. should here that line of double talk he's giving her. that guy's a phony. - oh, he is not. he looked to me like a very nice young man. (radio crackling) you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right? >>no. your insurance rates go through the roof. your perfect record doesn't get you anything. >>anything. perfect! for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident, our claim centers are available to assist you 24/7.

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- tone quality's not so good.

- (radio announcer) are you having trouble getting rid of pests in your home? - oh oh. (soft string music) how'd he know i was here? - (laughing) they have spies all over. - ah, listen, it's brahms' lullaby. isn't that a beautiful thing? - i love it. it's one of my favorites. - [man] really? mine too. of course i'm a brahms man. he was a solid old boy. every time i hear that fourth symphony of his, i hear new things in it. i tell you the symphony that really knocks me out is tchaikovsky sixth. - oh, the path\tique! - [man] the path\tique. - oh, that last movement. - the requiem. - [betty] those sign, soulful crescendos, or whatever they are. - i tell you that part holds me like a big iron claw machine, in suspended, what, suspended sublimity. (both laughing)

- you know what it means? - [man] no. but i do know we like the same music. what else do you like? what books do you read? what do you do for excitement? do you play football or throw the javelin? - no, but i do play tennis. - [man] tennis? no kidding, i play tennis. - have you got the condensers rectifying the ac on the dc? - oh. yes, i think everything is fine. i don't think this own should give you any troubles miss anderson. if you have any trouble, why just call me. (laughter) - you were saying? - oh, just call me, or no, i'll call you in a day or two just to check and see how it's working. - that's very kind of you. mr. ebert. - who?

you know there's something i ought to tell you about that name. - well, there's something i ought to tell you too. i wasn't really going to report you to the better business bureau. i was just mad because i thought you gypped me and i can't stand anyone who deceives me. - oh? - i can overlook many things, but not that. - well, i don't blame you. - what were you going to tell me about the name? - yes, well, just that we try to keep a good name in business, and that's why i'll check with you again, on the radio. - thank you very much. - well it's, it's been wonderful, delivering you a radio (upbeat orchestra music) - you better get these in the mail. - alright. - what about our new neighbor? did young cameron ever show up? - oh yes, he's in his office. i told him that you wanted to meet him. - good. - oh uhm, don't ever mention that

he, uh, wants to make good on his own, not to trade on his dad's reputation. i'm just a stranger to him. incidentally, would you mind taking phone calls for him until he gets squared around. - oh i love to. he's my type. just too bad he's not my age. (laughter) (door knocking) - [mr. cameron] yes. - mr. cameron, may i come in? - oh, yes of course, come in. (dramatic music) - well, i think you'll like springfield mr. cameron. how did you happen to pick this town? - well to be real frank mr. anderson, i was just looking for a place where my dad didn't have any influence. not that i have anything against my dad, he's a great guy. but he's an important attorney in our town. he's a big man, but if i stay there, i'll never be anything but his son.

- i can understand how you feel, and i think you picked a pretty good town. - well, i met some pretty wonderful people already. by he way mr. anderson, you're not by any chance related to a peggy anderson? - peggy, no. i have two daughters, but no peggy's. course there are a lot of andersons in springfield. phonebook has four pages of them. - you know, young cameron appears to be a pretty bright young man. not bad looking either. i thought maybe we should invite him to dinner some evening. as a favor to his father, of course. don't you think so betty? - he's your friend, not mine. (phone rings) - oh, i'll get it. hello? who? yeah, yeah, just a minute. it's a, for miss anderson. it's that guy ebert. i tell ya sis he's a phony. - oh stop saying that. i'll take it in the other room. (laughter) - what's this about a phony? who's ebert? - oh, he's the man that owns the radio shop. betty took that radio back

seems like a very nice boy. - very nice crook to me. - the radio? oh yes, it's still working fine. - i just wanted to make sure. actually there's something else that i wanted to to tell ya. - yes. what is it mr. ebert? - well, ah, i i just wanted to tell ya i'll stand behind that radio even though it has no guarantee. (laughter) - well thank you. yes, good bye. (sighs heavily) - why didn't i tell her? what am i?

- miss thomas? - yes? - you remember that case i told you about a few weeks ago? - the fella who posed as a shop keeper to see a girl? - yes, yes.

- oh. - you see, the only excuse he had to call her was that stupid radio. so he kept phoning, until finally he felt like such a fool, he had to stop. that was a week ago, now. - excuse me, but is this your autobiography? - ok. you're so smart, now tell me would i be making a mistake if i ask her for a date? even though, we never really been introduced, and if she accepts, tell her during the date what a phony i am. - look, don't worry so much about it. just do it. right tonight. - hi miss thomas. good morning mr. cameron. - good morning. - i was just talking about you at home. we decided that you've eaten enough restaurant food now so you might appreciate some home cooking. how about coming to dinner this evening? - well, i'd love to very much mr. anderson. - but he has a date tonight. - oh? - well, as a matter of fact i am sort of planning on it,

- oh sure, we can make it some other time. perhaps tomorrow night? - wonderful! - good. (mischievous music) - anyone call me today? - no, mr. ebert didn't call. you notice now that he's smoothed talked you into not reporting him to the better business bureau he doesn't ever call anymore. - oh, what do you know about it? - i warned you about him. - oh. what are you doing here? - i didn't mean to break it. honest! - break what? - this. - i was just playing it and suddenly it made a funny noise and stopped. i thought maybe bud could fix it. - oh this is wonderful! - huh? - oh honey, don't worry about it. accidents will happen. (betty humming) - hello? i'd like to speak to mr. ebert. - you're speaking to him.

you don't sound the same. do you have a cold? - no i don't. what do you want? - well, this is miss anderson and the radio-- miss anderson. you know the one you delivered the radio to. - lady, i don't know what your talking about. if the radio needs fixing, bring it in. what kind is it? oh, well there's no guarantee with those. all i can do is sell you a new one at cost. - what betty? - mother, bud's right. mr. ebert is a crook. - oh now. - it's true. this radio went bad like the other one, so i called him. he pretended he didn't even know me. he even disguised his voice. oh i thought he was so nice. now i see now, all he was doing was smoothing my ruffled feathers so i wouldn't report him. oh if i ever see that phony again. (phone ringing) - now i just-- - hello?

yes? - the time has come to boldly lay aside all pretense and declare my sinister intentions. would you consider a date with me this evening? - a date?! after the way you just treated me! what kind of a fool do you think i am?! goodbye! (phone slams) (laughter) (laughter drowns out yelling) oh i wish i could get even with him. - why don't you sue him? - i might just do that. - now don't do anything like that. wait until you father gets home and we'll talk it over with him. - besides i told his father i'd look after him. (door slams) - misrepresentation, that's what i'll sue mr. ebert for. hello father. and fraudulent deception. - ah betty, you don't have any basis for a law suit. - but he told me over the phone that he would stand behind that radio guarantee or no. - well i should would like to talk this over with a lawyer. - that would just be a waste of time. now wait a minute. that's not a bad idea! why don't you come down to the office and talk it over with mr. cameron?

- well that's a good idea. i'll do that tomorrow. - well he needs business. - "dear miss peggy anderson "i am an impostor." (door knocking) my client. come in. (dramatic music) - [betty] what are you doing here? are you posing as a lawyer now? - no, this is what i am. look, i'm not mr. ebert. look, i can explain how the whole thing happened. - i've heard all the talk i want from you. i'm going to get a real lawyer and sue under both your names. - miss anderson! - [jim] i get the other copy from the file miss thomas. whoah! - throw that impostor out of here. that's mr. ebert! - ebert? what are you talking about? - [mr. cameron] peggy! - what's going on here?

- why did you tell me that peggy wasn't your daughter? that's the girl. - oh no. (laughing) this is funny. - i walked into the office and there was this man who says he's mr. cameron, but really is mr. ebert. - oh, now betty, i don't understand. how cold mr. cameron be mr. ebert? - well he is. evidently he runs all kinds of rackets. now he's passing himself off as a lawyer. - come in. oh! - you again! - after you left the-- - oh. - betty come back! betty! will you come back here? - look i better not stay. - nonsense, you're staying for dinner. margaret, may i present mr. tom cameron, formerly mr. ebert. - how do you do? - and this is our son bud, who thinks your a crook. honey, i just heard the most incredible story. (door knocking) betty please come out. - [betty] no!

- i better leave. - no, no, this will work out fine. we have her trapped where she'll have to listen. you ah, come over here and sit on these stairs. - stairs? - yes, come on. in case you don't know what's going on this young lawyer has gotten himself into such a mess that he needs a good attorney to defend him. that's me. you and bud and betty are the jury. you are going to judge this man. you better pull up a bench bud so you'll have a place to sit. - really mr. anderson - now all we want you to do is tell the truth. the whole truth

(clears throat) state your name sir. - uh, tom cameron. - business? - attorney! - have a, have you ever used any aliases? - unfortunately yes. once. - what alias? - i can hardly stand to say it. ebert. - why did? - why did you use that alias? - [mr. cameron] well, well it sounds silly i suppose, but i was in ebert's shop getting my radio fixed, when a girl came in and mistook me for the shopkeeper. - [jim] could you describe that girl? - [mr. cameron] the prettiest girl i've ever seen. the moment i saw her, something happened to me. something exciting and wonderful. - why didn't you tell he you uhm,

- she wouldn't give me a chance to talk, and then after she rushed out, well i tried to get ebert to do something about her radio, but all he'd do was sell her another one at cost. so, i bought one. it was the only excuse i could think of to see her again. - so you delivered it as mr. ebert. - [mr. cameron] i'm afraid so. but i did get to see her and it was wonderful. we like the same music, the same everything. - why didn't you tell her who you really were? - well i started to, but then she told me how much she hated anyone that deceived her. so, i didn't dare. i didn't want to risk losing her. - go on. - so then i made all those ridiculous calls about the radio,

of caller her and asking her for a, you know the rest and i better leave. - now sit down, or i'll have to site you for contempt. - jury has to vote now. here are your ballets. how do you judge this uhm, criminal? mark your ballets. (upbeat music) - here's my vote mr. eb-- mr. camereron. (laughter)

well, i don't think your a crook either bud. - now two down and uhm, one to go. - while the other juryman deliberates we better step back into the judges chambers and uhm, see how dinners coming.

- how do you spell "not guilty"? (laughter and applause) (triumphant orchestral music) [ ] well, let's make a long story short. when i found out that the little theatre group was going to put on a home talent play for charity, i decided to try out for it.

i have a better one. really? what is it? talk you outta the idea. that remark, brother dear, will cost you exactly 25 tickets. and he'll take them. it'll also teach me to keep quiet. tell me some more about the play, deirdre. well, instead of doing--um, uh-- a well-known play, they decided to do an original comedy-- oh, you talkin' about the home talent play they're doin', mrs. thompson? i was trying to. uh, mrs. thompson tried out for it, hazel. no kiddin'. i hope you got the best part. i--i have one of the leads. i'm playing a wealthy society matron. oh, that's too bad. sugar? what do you mean, "that's too bad"? well, susie the maid's the best part. [chuckles] naturally, you would think so. well, how do you know so much about it, hazel? well, you remember when danny came here to lunch so he and harold could do their homework together? yes. well, when danny's father came to pick him up, he asked if he could use the phone, and i heard what he was sayin'. who is danny's father? - max denton. - oh.

i know that, hazel. uh, what, uh-- what did mr. denton say about the play? well, i was busy. i--i wasn't listenin' to everything. and besides, it ain't nice to repeat what people say. is it, mr. b? it certainly isn't. uh--what did he say? well, it-- well, it couldn't be a secret, hazel, if he was willing to talk in front of you. well, he just said he was buildin' up susie's part, and that she'd probably steal the play. well! who's going to play susie? well, i dunno, but he was talkin' to mrs. dearborne. emily dearborne? that old-- ah-ah-ah. there is a gentleman present. [chuckles] emily dearborne hasn't done half the work promoting this play that i have. besides, she certainly doesn't have the social position that i do. yeah, she can probably only act. act! hmph! she played lady macbeth once for a pta benefit

i think i'm going to have a little talk with max. well, whatever part you do get, deirdre, we'll be there. we'll bring along some friends, too. oh, well, in that case, you'll need more than the 25 tickets. i'll reserve the last two rows for you. every time i open my mouth, it costs me money. well, mr. b, if mrs. thompson plays susie the maid, it'll be worth it. wait'll you see what happens at the end of the play! oh, boy! it's a real zinger! [chuckles] what happens? oh, well, i don't wanna tell ya. that's a surprise. if you're gonna buy 25 tickets, you'll wanna get your money's worth, don't ya? and, max dear, might i remind you that with my social position in the community, it won't hurt you to see that i'm kept happy... in this, uh... charity play. oh, and i want you to be happy, mrs. thompson. oh, yes, indeed. but the part, as i have rewritten it, calls for somebody with more understanding of the role of a maid. go on. you see, susie has many personalities. she is thoughtful and she is gentle.

until pushed too far. and when she is confronted by an arrogant and demanding guest who barges right into her kitchen, un-announced and unwanted-- why, she even picks up a pie and throws it at him. a maid throws a pie at a guest? [chuckles] right in the last act. well, if she were my maid, i'd fire her. that's ridiculous and unbelievable. mrs. thompson, we are doing a slapstick comedy, not shakespeare. well, you can change the last act to something more dignified. oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! i couldn't! max, dear... may i remind you again that i intend to buy $500 worth of tickets? think i'll change the last act. you're a very wise man. shall we rehearse? yes, by all means. uh--mrs. thompson. now, as the curtain rises, you are discovered. susie is right here on stage, and she is dusting, all right? uh--proceed, please.

acting, mrs. thompson, is being able to convey to the audience what you're doing-- without props. ah. uh--maybe, uh-- we ought to start off with something a little more academic. page 20--ah. here we are. oh, this is an extremely important scene, mrs. thompson. and if i may be permitted to show you how it goes. hmm?

your susie is here! uh--oh, uh, mrs. dearborne, i-- max. dear, dear, max. - hello, deidre. - hello, emily. i'm delighted with the changes, max.

uh, mrs. dearborne, i-- she is the most wonderful character. and that wonderful last scene! where that great, big business typhoon comes-- tycoon. uh--tycoon-- comes barging into dinner, insulting everyone... emily, i am playing susie. and you are playing the society leader, mrs. van alterklein. oh, dear! after all the practicing i've done? why, i even vacuumed the drawing room today, and polished the hippo white! then all is not lost. why, i've been throwing myself into that role. you will be lovely as mrs. van alterklein. you can throw yourself into that. very well, max. [deep voice] mrs. van alterklein i shall be. fine. now, ladies, may we rehearse? all right, now, mrs. dearborne, you make your entrance through the door here.

chairs for a door! oh, it's so theatre! [clears throat] yes. um, over here, mrs. thompson. that's it. now... act, uh, one, scene two. now... susie is vacuuming. this is a very busy day for her. an important man is coming to dinner, and your employer, mrs. van alterklein, is expected at home at any moment, and she wants the house to be clean! all right? all right, let's get ready, now. all right...vacuum! [hums] what are you doing, mrs. thompson? i am vacuuming! oh. excuse me. doorbell, mrs. dearborne. oh, i'm very good with chimes, max. then chime, by all means. bong bong bong! now, smooth your apron, susie. that's it, now straighten your cap. and a smile. a warm, friendly smile. bong bong bong!

well, i was just coming in on cue. one "bong" will do, mrs. dearborne. bong! scene. [sighs] somehow, mrs. thompson, i don't believe you have quite the right attitude for susie. [laughs] what's so funny, emily? you being a maid, deirdre. it's hysterical! well, i haven't had much experience in a menial capacity, emily. that's true, mrs. thompson. but if you're going to play susie convincingly, you're going to have to think like a maid. feel like a maid. perhaps hazel could help us. hazel? she could coach you! hazel? coach me? ha! oh, but of course, that's impossible. why is it impossible? well, hazel's far too busy a person to take time-- she's not so busy. she's only a maid. well, if you feel you know her well enough to ask her-- ask her? i shall demand that she coach me. who? me, mrs. thompson?

[laughs] oh, boy, that i've gotta see. hazel, for heaven sakes, what are you doing to the patio? oh, i was just gettin' the stage set, so to speak, for you to rehearse bein' a maid. what do you wanna do first? scrub the patio, or dust the screens, or clean the windows? hazel, mr. denton just suggested that i get some technical points from you for my part. i'm not going to do your work for you. i'll just sit here and study my lines, look up once in a while, and observe. i wouldn't sit there if i was you. well, i'm certainly not going to stand up. well, okay, but i did a little paintin' there this mornin'. honestly, hazel, sometimes you can be very annoying. [chuckles] ain't it the truth? well, let's start off with somethin' real simple, like cleanin' the windows. now, first, you hold the spray bottle up to the window, and then you push the plunger and squirt the detergent, and then dry. i don't think it takes a college education

oh, all right, then, you squirt and i'll dry. oh, first i oughta tell you one thing-- hazel, i believe i can handle this complicated procedure. [gasps] oh! did it get on ya, mrs. thompson? you did that on purpose. well, that was the little somethin' i wanted to tell you about. you know, you always gotta be sure that that white dot is pointed toward the window, not you. here, you better put on this uniform, 'cause if it happens again, you and that mink is liable to get soaked. and anyway, that'll help put you in the mood. all right, i suppose i might as well see how i look. i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery all is love is love ow!

[howling]

you know, uh, i'd like to order a hamburger, but i'm afraid to ask for it. oh, well, why don't you order the suppressed beef petite? what's that? hamburger. [chuckle] what comes with it? finger bowl with a lemon wedge.

oh, you know, housekeepin' can be fun, if you just got the right attitude. for instance, just dustin' these big law books of mr. b's makes me feel smart. oh, hazel, don't make a project out of something so simple. oh, well, if you don't know how a maid feels and acts in real life, how you gonna act like one on the stage? besides, mr. denton said you is to get the full course if you wanna get that part. all right, all right. it's easier to dust than to argue with you. all right, mrs. thompson, what do you wanna start with? assaults and batteries? or manslaughter and misconduct? [chuckles] that's the way. uh, that will be all. uh-oh. who is it? e.j. mcclaine, the big oil tycoon.

he's got so many oil wells, he uses them for trading stamps. george, weren't you supposed to do some legal work for him? i was, but he's a very difficult man to pin down. darling, why don't you invite him over to our table? it isn't wrong to do a little business over lunch. well, i tried that approach, but the only thing that happens is i talk, he eats, and i get stuck with the check. well, you'll just have to learn how to outfumble him. no, it can't be done. he's an expert on the slow draw. [chuckles] there's only one thing he likes better than money, and that's good food. well, darling, why don't you bring him home for dinner sometime? i'm sure hazel could please him. dorothy, no one can please him. he's a difficult, temperamental, spoiled man who's only happy when he's making someone else miserable. i've only seen him laugh once. that's when a waiter slipped and spilled a pitcher of ice water down a lady's back. oh, well, darling, that could be funny.

oh, that isn't funny. well, george, who'd want a man like that for a client anyway? just about every attorney in town. including me. if you bend your knees a little, your back won't hurt so much, mrs. thompson. oh, while you're over there, will you give a little swoosh under the table? harold dropped a honey and peanut butter sandwich there this mornin'. and, say, you better watch this. you know, you gotta bake that pie at the end of the last act. oh, hazel, that scene is being rewritten. oh, you mean you ain't throwin' the pie at the big tycoon? that's right, i ain't. oh, that's the funniest thing in the play. have you ever thrown a pie at someone? no... but i been tempted to a couple of times. well, it's ridiculous and it's unbelievable. well, it ain't supposed to be for real, mrs. thompson.

that people used to go see and love. you're just up on that stage, you know, to make people laugh and forget their troubles. by throwing a pie? sure. that's why people laugh. seein' somebody do somethin' they ain't got the nerve to do themselves. [chuckles] mr. mcclaine is leaving, george. hmm. i wonder who he's going to zero in on to pick up his check today. but--don't you want coffee, mr. mcclaine? oh, i see a friend of mine across the room. mr. baxter. i'll have my coffee with him. - oh. - oh, and, uh-- you can bring the check over there, please. yes, sir. there, don't that look good, mrs. thompson? well, why bake a pie when you can buy one? well, for the same reason as a composer likes to write a song, or an artist likes to paint a picture.

that's why. um, i understand you're quite a gourmet, mr. mcclaine. love food. all kinds. you know what i've been trying to find? good spaghetti and meatballs. not easy, you know. and i've been all over the world. the only place that's come close to pleasing me is a little chop suey joint in hong kong. spaghetti in honk kong? well, the chef was an exchange student from brooklyn. well, i--i know a place much closer than that. you do? where? where? our house. we think we have the best cook in the whole world. well, baxter, you've been holding out on me, huh? [chuckles] well, now let's get upstairs, and make the beds and do a little laundry. oh, hazel. you go right ahead. frankly, i'm exhausted. oh, well, why don't you sneak into the den and get 40 winks? i promised mrs. chalmers i'd come over and babysit for her

spaghetti and meatballs! say, now, that sounds good. how 'bout inviting me tonight? well, uh--uh-- perhaps tomorrow night would be better, mr. mcclaine. well, it's tonight or never, baxter. tomorrow i'll be in san francisco. oh, well, i'm sure it'll be all right. george, hazel can handle it. good, i'll be there at, uh--6:00. i'd better call hazel. we can call from the office. uh-- here's the address. your check, mr. mcclaine. oh, well... well, i--i seem to have forgotten my glasses. here, mr. mcclaine, let me read it. well, baxter, thanks for wanting to pick up my check. thanks! thanks very much. well, he's also an expert on the quick getaway. well, i'll just add this to his legal fee. that is, if he likes hazel's spaghetti. i guess all this actin' was too much for ya. oh... [sighs]

oh, you're gonna be fine. you just ain't used to all this. you want me to fix ya a spot of tea? no, thanks, hazel. if i want some tea, i'll fix it myself. you must be tired, too. you know somethin', mrs. thompson? that's the nicest thing you ever said to me. [ ] [phone rings] [rings] well, i guess hazel must have stepped out for a few minutes. oh, well, that's all right, george. you and i can stop by the market

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see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. [ ] hazel? i don't understand where she is, george. it's 4:00. well, maybe she quit. one day with my sister could do that, you know. i'll go over to mrs. chalmers'. maybe she's over there. [doorbell rings] [rings] well--mr. mcclaine, aren't you a little early? oh, a couple of hours. i thought maybe you and i could check on some of these legal contracts. good way to work up an appetite for some of that spaghetti, huh? well... [chuckles] if we don't find our maid, you may have to go back to hong kong for that spaghetti. if you don't find your maid, i may have to go to hong kong for a lawyer. [chuckles awkwardly] let me take your hat.

this is the perfect maid? hazel! hello, george. oh, no. "george." oh, so she calls you george. who are you? i happen to be a guest, and i've been invited for a spaghetti dinner. well, don't look at me. i'm not the cook. what? no, no, no, she isn't. this is my sister. your sister? using your sister for your maid. and i am not a maid. she's just practicing to be one. well, she's not going to practice cooking on me! and if this is an example of the way you run your home-- [doorbell rings] now, just a minute, mr. whatever-your-name-is... - mcclaine. mcclaine. - e. j. mcclaine. [sighs] oh, good day, mr. baxter. i just stopped by to see how our aspiring actress-- who do you think you are, busting in here demanding this, demanding that? i was invited here! furthermore, no one talks to me like that.

deirdre: don't you shout at me! i'll shout if i want to! uh--mr. denton, we're a little upset here. well, now, mr. baxter. your sister displays more spirit than i realized she was capable of. well, if you'll excuse me-- tell me, who is that actor rehearsing with mrs. thompson? - actor? - he's great! - he's no actor. - no? well, he certainly is convincing for an amateur. hazel! dorothy! if you were my maid, sister or no sister, i'd fire you immediately! if you were my guest, i'd--i'd-- ooh! bravo, mrs. thompson! you will be superb as susie! and you, sir-- congratulations. a magnificent performance. [gasps] mr. mcclaine! what happened? your maid, baxter-- your jewel of a maid just clobbered me with a pie. that's what happened. marvelous. simply marvelous.

oh, i can't, mrs. thompson. you just ruined my dessert for dinner. how 'bout that, mr. mcclaine? you get a spaghetti dinner, a good lawyer, and a part in a play, all in one day. talent will out, hazel. [chuckles] mmm. best spaghetti sauce i ever tasted. wait till you've tried one of hazel's pies, mr. mcclaine. i've had one of hazel's pies, son. [chuckles] which reminds me-- you got your checkbook with you, mr. mcclaine? checkbook? you're not gonna charge me to eat here, are you? no, but if you're going to be in that play for charity, don't you think you oughta buy some seats? oh, well, i'll take a couple of seats. a couple of seats? just a minute. don't you think you oughta make it a couple of rows, mr. mcclaine? mmm. uh--i'll take five rows. how's that?

[chuckles] everything all right, hazel? everything's just ginger peachy, mr. b. [ ] [ ] [ ] now i'm telling you, i will not see him. i refuse to budge from this room

george, you can't refuse to talk to him! who can't? the last time he was here, i told him i'd never loan him another dime. well, i'll admit some of his schemes don't work out, but i admire a man that dreams big. fred: george! oh, george! you hear that? that's his prologue. "georgie-porgie, i have an idea that'll make us both millionaires." hazel, i want you to go downstairs and tell him that i can't see him. tell him i'm-- well, tell him i'm in the shower. me, tell a lie? hazel, this is no time for your george washington heroics. just tell him i'm in the shower. but that's a lie. you ain't in the shower. all right, if it'll ease your conscience, i'll stand in the shower. well, he's standing in the shower. all right, mr. b. if that's the way you want it, i'll tell him you're standin' in the shower. with all your clothes on. never mind!

hello, fred. hi, georgie-porgie! fred, if you call me "georgie-porgie" one more time-- george, i have an idea that's going to make us both millionaires! meanwhile, you'd like to borrow $100. - huh? - well, that's why you're here, isn't it? you want to borrow $100. well, no. actually, i'll need $200 or $300. it'll only be a loan, of course. i'll pay it back, you see, when-- when? you see--huh? when will you pay it back? well, you see-- when have you ever paid anything back? george, you seem kinda cross. if you had a bad day at the office, maybe i'd better come back tomorrow. no, no, no, no. wait a minute. wait a minute. fred-- do you know what this is? newspaper. what section is this? want ads. well, what part of the want ads? job opportunities. look very carefully.

isn't it wonderful how this country's boomin'? just why i feel this is the right time to make a fortune. this idea of mine, why, it'll be-- these companies are offering jobs to men who aren't too lazy to do an honest day's work. yes, there's a manpower shortage around here right now. that'll be a problem for us. but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. fred, the only bridge i want you to cross is from here to outside the house. you did have a bad day at the office. i have a bad day every time you come to town. here, take this with you. i hate to do this to you, fred, but i'm gonna let you have it right between the eyes. i'm not loaning you any more money. - understand? - um... now, if you were trying to hold down a cent job, i'd do anything in the world to help you. i'll always help any man who's trying to help himself. but i'm trying to help myself. i am. yes, but to my money. now, just forget about it, because the bank is closed. [chuckles] fred... you know, you could be a real credit to the human race, if you wanted to be.

you have some of my blood in you veins. heh... the only thing that worries me is that i have some of yours in me! dorothy: george! hello, dorothy. hello, fred. thanks, hazel, for the sandwiches. oh, don't mention it. good-bye, all. uh--uh, fred... here, uh-- i'll give you some money. bye, george. now, why did i have to be so doggone mean about it? george, now don't. why did i have to make that snide remark about having some of his blood in me? you hurt yourself more than you hurt him, didn't you? well... anyway, i straightened him out once and for all,

[ ] he's right. he's absolutely right. hi, cousin fred! well, hello there, cousin harold! i didn't know you were in town. are you gonna stay with us a couple months again? no, i think i'll stay in a hotel this time. aw, i wish you'd stay with us again, and so does hazel. we like to hear your stories. thanks, harold, but i don't think your dad's so keen on 'em. you know, your dad's done mighty well for himself. he lives in a fine neighborhood. everybody's so rich and prosperous. dad says we're not rich. he says he's always one jump ahead of the poor house. it's a rich neighborhood compared to a lot of other people. the men's wives have furs and diamonds, and maids-- [chuckles] and even the maids look prosperous. they're not as prosperous as hazel. oh?

well, good for hazel. she kisses 'em every night and puts 'em in her foot locker. [laughs] [chuckles] that sounds like hazel. well, i'm a baxter, too. i have baxter blood in my veins. i may be a little late gettin' started on prosperity,

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[ ] mm-hmm. i saw your employment ad in the paper about an hour ago. it looked better than the others, so i hurried right over. well, our firm is in the process of a multimillion-dollar expansion, and we're desperately in need of men. whatever you have to offer, i'm your man. well, for one thing, we need a servo engineer... capable of analyzing and evaluating feedback control requirements. a man with a working knowledge of operational calculus... and analog computer simulation.

well... [clears throat] we also need a dynamicist. uh--i beg your pardon? a dynamicist. one who can apply the principles of kinetics and kinematics to expected mechanical vibration in proposed design. oh, heh. are you interested? well, no. i don't want to take a job away from a younger man who may have a family. no engineering experience, eh? [sighs] no, sir. uh--i'm sorry to have taken up your time. now, wait a minute, mr...baxter. frederick baxter. i know a george baxter. are you by any chance related to him? he's an attorney. he's a cousin, but i'm not using him as a reference. any job i get, i want to get on my own merits. i like that. i really do. sit down, mr. baxter.

[wind whistling] [yawns] i can't sleep. can't even close my eyes. [door rattling] boy.

my pocketbook! i never leave my pocketbook on the floor! my money! my money's gone! my bonds! my bonds! burglars! mr. b! mr. b, mr. b! mr. b! mr. b!

harold! george, what's the matter? what is it? i don't know. it's hazel. she's cracked up. cracked up? well, i woke up to find her ransacking the dresser, then she just ran out of here with my wallet. - burglars! burglars! - [gasps] harold's all right. oh, i forgot to check missy's fur coat in the closet. oh! the fur coat's gone! the silverware! it's true, george, my coat's gone! oh, darling, now don't cry. it's covered by insurance. i only wore it twice! silverware's safe, but they got some of your clothes, mr. b,

hazel, may i have my wallet? oh, yeah, i forgot i had it. they not only took all your money, they took all your credit cards. oh, brother, that's gonna mean a mess of trouble, notifying all those companies. but at least most of the things were covered by insurance. are my bonds covered? you mean to-- they took your bonds?! hazel, didn't i tell you to let me put them in my safe deposit box? no, no, don't touch anything! no, no, not until the police get here. and how am i gonna call the police if i can't pick up the phone? but there may be fingerprints! don't touch a thing. oh, nonsense. hazel, why don't you look around the house

[rotary dial clicking] what's the matter, george? what is it? - a note. - a note?! who from? - evidently, the burglars. - [gasps] "george, if you call the police, you will be sorry." george! he called you george!

this is just to pay you back for what you did to me. you know what i mean." is it signed? don't be silly, of course it isn't signed. - well, who's it from? - well, how do i know who it's from? what did you do to somebody? i didn't do anything to anybody. well, he must know you. he called you "george." this is just some burglar's trick to start a person's conscience working, and to give himself time to get away. but how did he know your name was george? what do you mean how? he has all my credit cards, hasn't he? george, you don't suppose-- certainly not. well, don't snap at me. don't even think of such a thing. how do you know what i'm thinking? because i was thinking the same thing. what are you thinking? well, i'm not thinking anymore, it's unthinkable. but after all, cousin fred is a baxter. and a baxter is incapable of a thing like that.

this isn't even cousin fred's handwriting. we could convince the police of that in a second. - how? - well, we'll compare this with the letters he wrote asking for money. george, he's never written you asking for money. oh, you're right. he always wired collect. well, we'll compare this with the ious. you didn't save his ious, george, you thought they were worthless. oh. well, believe me, darling, cousin fred didn't do this. he is absolutely innocent. will you stop acting as if you're trying to convince yourself? [exhales heavily] oh, a thing like this could develop into a very unpleasant scandal. i think it's better if we don't call the police. darling, how are you going to collect the insurance if you don't report the theft? no, we won't call the police until i can locate cousin fred to find out where he was last night. [chuckles] those burglars sure are amateurs. - look what they missed, my eiffel tower. - oh, hallelujah.

the lieutenant himself is coming over. mr. baxter, you and your wife were alone in the house? no, our son was in his room, but they didn't go in there. do you mind if i talk with your son? - he may have heard something. - well, certainly. darling, would you tell harold to come downstairs? of course, dear. you and your wife and your son were the only ones in the house. no, hazel, our housekeeper, was in her room. i'd like her to come in here, too. lieutenant, i think you'd make faster progress if she doesn't. i've been in the force for 23 years. i think i know what i'm doing. lieutenant, i've known hazel for 12 years, and i don't think you do know what you're doing. however, i will call her. hazel, would you please come in here? oh, i'm here already. i thought maybe the officer'd like some coffee and sweet roll. thank you. that's very considerate of you. not really, i just wanted to know what was going on. ain't this something? boy! that burglar going through my foot locker looking for bonds, and me asleep in the bed, not even knowing he was there.

but now, i'm just wondering whether he was handsome. mr. baxter, about this note the burglar left-- note? i didn't know he wrote any notes. - you didn't tell me, mr. b. - hazel, please! do you mind if i have a look at it? i'm beginning to see what you mean. i knew you would. "this is just to pay you back for what you did to me." oh, that don't mean nothing. the burglar just wrote that so's he'd have a chance to get away. that's what i figure. mr. b hasn't got an enemy in the world. he's the best-loved man in town. hazel, why don't you go back in the kitchen and polish my halo? oh, i don't mean to embarrass you, mr. b, by saying how perfect you are. you got your faults. like yesterday, when you threw your cousin outta the house. oh? you didn't mention that to me. well-- i asked if you'd quarreled with anyone lately. well--

you can just forget it, because cousin fred is a baxter, and they don't come any "honest-er" than that. suppose you tell me about that quarrel. dad, mother said you wanted to talk to me. it was a professional burglar that did it. who else would think to look in my foot locker for bonds? nobody even knew i had 'em. i knew they were there! oh, we ain't thinking of putting the finger to you, sport. did you mention those bonds to anyone else? - no, sir, i never told anybody! - good, son. uh, except cousin fred. who?! cousin fred. when? - yesterday afternoon. - why? he was talking about what a rich neighborhood this was, and how the women had furs and diamonds. so i told him how hazel was richer than all the other women. oh, come on, sport, you ain't had your breakfast yet. no, just a moment. i wanna hear this. what else did he say? only he was a little late getting started on prosperity,

i understand your position, mr. baxter. i wonder if you really do. man in your position, a relative suspected of burglary, but you realize we have to pick him up for questioning. yes, i know. it's your job. - hazel? - hmm? i'm sorry. oh, that's all right, sport. when i said that, i didn't know i'd be getting cousin fred into trouble. no, and i guess your cousin fred didn't know he'd be getting into trouble when he said it, either. but i didn't lie. i told the truth. i know you did. i wouldn't do anything to hurt him. i love him. me too. hazel? hmm? do you think he did it?

of course he didn't! i'm absolutely certain. i'm positive. i think. do you have a picture of your cousin? no, we don't. he's never stood still long enough to take one. any place where we might find his fingerprints? oh, yes.

trying to convince myself he's innocent, but-- good morning, hazel! good morning, cousin harold. [cousin fred chuckles] how do i look? new suit, new tie. new hat. new cuff links. cuff links? oh, silver. no, your dad never had any like them. i opened a charge account on the strength of my new job. - job? - yes, job! doesn't sound like me, does it?

i knew cousin george was right, hazel. i've wasted a lot of years chasing rainbows. but now, i found a job i really like. where's cousin george? i want to tell him the good news. no! oh, he'll be might proud of me. oh, yes, i'm sure he'll be, but why don't you have something to eat first? look, i got these terrific sweet rolls. - thanks. - go on, sit down. put some butter on 'em. [phone rings] baxter residence. huh? when? hold on a minute, will you? be right back! well, off-hand, i don't know of any identifying marks. mr. b, mr. b! hazel, please don't interrupt. they got him! who? cousin fred? no, no, the man that took our stuff. he was trying to use one of your credit cards when they caught him. and the police is on the phone. i'd better take that call. use the phone in the hall, please. he had all our stuff in his car! i'll see that it's returned, mr. baxter.

he's in the kitchen. - cousin fred? - yeah, and guess what? he's got a job! fred got a job? yup, he says you'll be real proud of him now. well, i-- i'm not so proud of myself, after all the things i suspected him of doing. oh, no, george, i was the one that put those dreadful thoughts in your mind. no, darling, that's what i'm so ashamed of. even before i saw the burglar's note, i thought of fred. instead of trying to find the best in him, i've always thought of the worst. well, i ain't exactly patting myself on the back for being a loyal friend. he was always very sweet to me, and i turned on him without a second's hesitation. what disgusts me is that i wasn't even thinking of him. i was thinking of myself. pure pride and self-interest. i didn't want anything like that associated with my good name. it's gonna be real difficult to get that off my conscience. well, maybe we can try. - how? - well, i mean, like doing something real nice for him.

we'll do something real nice. maybe we'll take him out to dinner or something. don't you worry, mr. b, i'll think of something. george, whatever we do, we must never, never let fred know that we suspected him. fred, i can't tell you how happy i am that you have this job. i just came by to tell you about it and pick up my suitcase. - i'll have to find myself a room somewhere-- - room? you got a room, our guest room. and you're welcome to stay just as long as you like. ain't he, mr. b? yes, yes, of course. of course. and mr. b wants to take you to the country club to lunch today. don't you, mr. b? oh, yes. i, uh, i've been looking forward to it. and if you want to play golf, he'll arrange for a guest card. and you can use his clubs. oh, and mr. b is gonna drive you to work and home till you get a car. ain't ya, mr. b? i don't know how to thank you, cousin george. come on, come on up to your room.

giving him my golf clubs! me driving him to and from work! mr. b, now that we're doing something nice for him, we're all gonna feel better, ain't we? [music] oh, it's so nice to have a mockingbird around. i love them. it couldn't have happened at a better time, eloise. that little mocker is going to get me elected president