mr. timberlake is really retiring this year, is he? after 17 years. huh. that's something else that bird will do, help me get timberlake behind me. oh. so that's why you invited him over here today to see the nest. what else? if i can get clarence timberlake's endorsement, that elkins woman won't get one vote. oh, you slick politician. hi, mr. wilson. boy, that sure is a swell picture of you in the paper. "first mockingbird of the season." that's terrific. and there he is, right up in my tree. so could me and tommy buy your tent today so we could sleep out in our backyard in it. oh, well, sometime, dennis, but not today. you see, it's packed under a lot of stuff up in the attic and i--oops. listen to that. boy, that's swell, mr. wilson.

hail to thee, blithe spirit. mister timberlake oh, wilson, you are to be congratulated. the first mockingbird of spring has chosen to live with you. oh, yes, i am fortunate, mr. timberlake. there's his nest, mr. timberlake. right up there, see? i'll--i'll show him, dennis. i'll show him. what a splendid nest. an excellent location. he'll be safe from all harm. oh, i assure you, no harm will come to him in my yard. i'll be extremely vigilant as any candidate for your high office should be. well spoken, wilson. i'm sure that if you are elected, you'll be a staunch guardian for our little feathered friends. oh, i will. i certainly will. and i'm sure that mrs. elkins, too, will do her best if elected. oh, well. she will try, i suppose. but it will be extremely difficult for a woman to fill your shoes. well, mr. timberlake.

hello, mrs. elkins. and mr. wilson, dennis. hi, mrs. elkins. is there something we can do for you, mrs. elkins? no, thank you. i just wanted to tell mr. timberlake that when i'm elected president of our society, i'll follow his policies toward our dear little birds exactly. that is so comforting to hear, mrs. elkins. well, mr. timberlake knows how i feel, and when i'm elected-- did you see mr. wilson's mockingbird? it's right up there. yes, it's lovely, but not mr. wilson's bird, dear. the birds belong to all of us who love them. indeed, they do. yes, indeed. and they're so exquisitely sensitive to love and affection too. absolutely, mr. timberlake. now, you take that bird there. he could just as well have built his nest in mrs. elkins' yard, but he knew where he was loved the most. here. now, mrs. elkins, by weeks end, there'll be dozens of them in town and i'm sure that you'll have nests in your backyard too. well, of course, i will.

your little, old cat tinkerbell sure loves birds all right. she's always chasing them. mrs. elkins, you have a cat? yes, i do, mr. timberlake, but i'm getting rid of it. i've already made arrangements to give it away. a wise decision. well, i must be running along. it's been so nice, wilson. must you rush off? we've hardly had time-- i'll walk out for you, mr. timberlake. and mr. wilson, when i'm elected, i'll put you on a committee. well, we'll see who's elected. let's just say, may the best man win? no, mr. wilson, may the best woman win. morning, john. isn't this a beautiful day?

boy, oh, boy. you writers really have the life, sleeping till 9:00 in the morning. i wish i could do that. as a matter of fact, i hardly slept at all; laid awake all night listening to that mockingbird. you mean, you stayed awake just to listen to it? boy, you must love it. i don't love it at all. and i didn't stay awake. i was kept. forget it. boy, is he grouchy? well, i hope you sleep better tonight, john. [bird chirping] oh, shut up and let me sleep. was i snoring, dear? oh. no, no, eloise. i'm sorry to wake you up, but that bird is driving me out of my--

i made a little surprise for you. i thought it might make you feel better. hmmm, my favorite cake. hmmm, well, i have a little surprise, too, for that confounded mockingbird. firecrackers. leftover from the fourth of july. if there's one thing birds hate more than anything else, it's noise. dennis: mr. wilson. we've got a surprise for you, mr. wilson. yeah, surprise. we've been digging it all morning. in my backyard. and look what we've got for your mockingbird? worms. oh, fine.

we'll leave them right here, mr. wilson. now that little mockingbird will never have to leave this yard again. not even to eat. oh, for crying out loud. here birdie, birdie, birdie, birdie. chee-chee-chee-chee-chee. oh, brother, what a narrow escape. dennis almost caught me lighting the firecracker. oh, fine. i just had time to put them out and shove them in my sweater. in your sweater? oh, john, you should-- eloise, i told you i put it out first. you don't think i'm silly enough to--to-- it's still lit. i guess he isn't hungry yet. the worms are still here.

oh, dennis, i'm glad you are here. say, how would you, boys, like to make a quarter a piece? okay. swell. good. well, you know that big new drugstore? you mean the one across the railroad tracks? on the other side of town? that's the one. well, they have a special kind of hair tonic. i--i wrote it down. i want you to get a bottle for me. there you are, and here is a quarter for you and you. thanks, mr. wilson. thanks, mr. wilson. it's a pretty long trip, but we'll hurry. no, no. don't hurry. no. it will take you about an hour, but take your time. don't hurry. okay. come on, tommy. well, you won't keep me awake tonight loud-mouth. in about five minutes, you'll think a war's started down here. jeepers, mr. wilson, what are you doing? please, please don't interrupt me. i'm busy, dennis.

you forgot to give us the money to pay for the hair tonic. and what are you making all the noise for, mr. wilson? you'll scare the mockingbird away. yeah, birds get scared of noise. oh, well, not mockingbirds, dennis. they--they don't mind noise at all. they don't? oh, no, they don't. as a matter of fact, some crows were bothering our mocker so i frightened them away. boy, you sure did. no crows up there now. well, you two boys run along and play. what about your hair tonic? oh, i changed my mind. forget it. boy, he sure has flipped. you know, eloise, i believe that beating on that pan actually drove that raucous bird away. we haven't heard a single chirp all evening. what a relief. now, we can leave the window open and get a goodnight sleep.

goodnight, dear. oh, no. we've gotta keep some of that noise out. i'll see who it is. oh, good morning, mrs. elkins-- good morning, mrs. wilson. --mrs. dudley. good morning. may we see mr. wilson for a minute? why, yes, of course. come right on in. dear, mrs. elkins and mrs. dudley to see you. good morning, mr. wilson. well, what do you want now? it's not a very cheerful greeting, i must say. i don't feel very cheerful. john is terribly tired. our mockingbird kept him awake all night? really? oh, you must hate that bird, mr. wilson. oh, not at all.

its singing didn't keep me awake. well, i have a touch of indigestion. oh, too bad. would you ladies care for some coffee? no, thanks. we won't be staying long. would you make some for me, dear? oh, of course. well, very cheerfully, what do you want? well, i would like to set up my tape recorder here and record the song of spring's first mockingbird. for the club's archives. well, of all the nerve. i see through your little scheme. you want to record my mockingbird, play it at the club next week to get you more votes. well, just forget it, mrs. elkins. very well, mr. wilson. but when the other members learn that you have deprived them of such a wonderful record, they certainly won't elect you president. come on, mabel. confound it. wait a minute. you've got me over a barrel, haven't you? what a crude remark. all right. set up your recorder. i know when i'm licked.

we'll put it near the door so that the cord will reach the tree. well, put it anywhere. hand me the cord, mabel. all right. there. now, that will do the trick. now, when the bird starts to sing you turn it on here. and we'll go out and put the microphone near its nest. hi, mrs. elkins. well, hello, boys. hi. hi, mr. wilson. me and tommy thought you might let us have your tent now. dennis, i told you it's up in the attic under a pile of junk. it would take me all day to get it out. maybe it's on top of the junk. couldn't you look? all right. all right. i will look. anything to keep you quiet. boy, he sure is grouchy today. oh, his bark's worse than his bite. anyhow, i think it is. he's never really bit me. hey, what's this thing? hmm, well, that's a tape recorder.

you mean it makes records and stuff? sure, if you turn it on. what turns it on? this little gimmick here. i hear you told mr. timberlake that you're going to give your cat away. yes. i told him that. is it making a record of us now? i don't think so. there's supposed to be another gimmick you're supposed to talk into. dennis, i couldn't find-- do you have to monkey with everything you see? this is not to be turned on until the mockingbird sings. i'm sorry, mr. wilson. what about the tent? well, i couldn't find it. so it must be buried. now, run along boys. okay. let's go over to your house, tommy. okay. let's. so long, mr. wilson.

pancakes and eggs. bacon and sausage. coffee and oj, and a killer price. that's a win, win, win, win, win. denny's grand slam slugger, part of the 2, 4, 6, 8 value menu. denny's. welcome to america's diner. well, i see mrs. elkins and her chum have flown off on their brooms. i saw them leave. well, i guess, it's safe to go and get that bird's nest out of the tree. oh, what about dennis and tommy?

well, they're going over to tommy's house. now, the coast is clear. moving day for our feathered friend. hi, mr. wilson. what you doing? dennis, i thought you've gone to tommy's house? we're on our way now. we just stopped at my house to get some cookies. yeah. we can't make a trip like that without something to eat. is that the mockingbird's nest you're throwing away? oh, yes. yes, it is. the wind blew it out of the tree. wind? i don't feel any wind. well, it was a high wind. but, don't worry. i'll build it another nest. better than this one. how can a man build a rd's nest? only birds know how to do that. oh, i can do it, tommy. i've made such a close study of them. i understand them. i--i think the way they do. yeah. he's got, sort of, a birdbrain. haven't you, mr. wilson?

goodbye, boys. bye, mr. wilson. mr. wilson sure loves birds. not many men would build a nest for one. i guess not. hi, mrs. elkins. hi, mrs. dudley. hello, dear boys. hi, dennis. hi, tommy. guess what mr. wilson is gonna do? he's gonna build a nest for his mockingbird. build a nest? yeah. with his own hands. because the wind blew the old one out of the tree. are you sure about this, dennis? sure, i'm sure. i just saw him throw the old one in the trashcan. well, thank you very much for telling me, dennis. you're welcome, mrs. elkins. come on, tommy. bye, mrs. dudley. bye. mabel, we've got him. the wind didn't blow that nest down. there wasn't any wind. you think he took it down himself? of course. his wife said that bird has been keeping him awake at night. so he's getting rid of it. well, this should make you the next president of the club. right. i'll call mr. timberlake and tell him to meet us at the wilson house as soon as he can.

then, it's true, wilson. you actually tore down the nest of an innocent little bird? yes, i did, mr. timberlake. there's no use lying about it. this is dreadful. to think that i'd hear such an admission from the lips of a man with whom i've spent so many happy hours in the woods watching the yellow-bellied sapsuckers sucking sap. he had us all fooled, mr. timberlake. he never did care for birds. mrs. elkins, you may have me where you want me, but you cannot say that i do not care for birds. it was lack of sleep and exhaustion that drove me to do what i did. i can understand that. once a woodpecker tap, tap, tap on the drainpipe outside my bedroom window night after night until i was sorely tempted to-- well, never mind. that was a long time ago. i've outgrown that. well, i'm glad you understand. yes, but under the circumstances, i don't see how i can support you

in my opinion, he should be forced to resign. well, that's a little drastic perhaps but-- hi, mr. wilson. i--oh, i didn't know you had company. that's all right, dennis. well, i brought you some straw to put in the bird's nest you're building. he isn't building a nest, dennis. he never intended to build a nest. mr. wilson doesn't like birds. sure, he does, mrs. elkins. mr. wilson loves birds. mr. timberlake, will you please set the boy straight. it's a shame for him to have faith in a hypocrite. well, he was only pretending. you're wrong about him not loving birds, mr. timberlake. one time i was gonna take an egg out of a nest and he balled the heck out of me. uh, shall we go, mr. timberlake? all of this prattle is a waste of time. and another time, i found a baby sparrow on the ground. mr. wilson kept it in a shoebox and fed it with an eye dropper until it was big enough to fly. that's most commendable, young man. but-- and how about this? he got a tape recorder so he can make a record of the mockingbird singing.

well, anyhow, mr. wilson is the one who's gonna make the record and i bet, he's got some real good songs. listen, mr. timberlake. mrs. dudley: i hear you told mr. timberlake you're going to give your cat away. mrs. elkins: yes. i told him that. why, that's your voice, mrs. elkins. mrs. dudley: did you mean it? mrs. elkins: of course, not. you know i've always been a cat lover. frankly, i have no use for birds. this must be some horrible joke. i'll turn it off. please, i'd like to hear the rest of it. mrs. dudley: then why do you want to be president of the bird watchers club? mrs. elkins: for publicity, mabel. next year, i plan to run for the city council. the more offices i get elected to, the more times i get my name and picture in the paper, the better chance i'll have. mrs. dudley: oh. aren't you the smart one? mrs. elkins: smart enough to fool old timberlake. [laughs] well, we've got the microphone up. let's go. i think i've heard enough. i--i never said that. it must be some fake. yes. he did it.

dennis turned on the machine when you were hanging up that microphone. you are caught in your own trap, mrs. elkins. i would suggest, mrs. elkins, that if anyone resigns from the club it should be you. all right. i will. come on, mabel. who needs you and your silly birds? boy, i never expected to make a record like that. as far as i'm concerned, it's tops on the hit parade. i never should have listened to that woman, wilson. you made an honest confession, but she tried to bamboozle me. then you don't want me to resign? of course, not. this lad has made me realize that you are a true bird lover despite your one mistake. and i intend to support you wholeheartedly for the presidency of the club. isn't that swell, mr. wilson? furthermore, i'd like you to join me on a little field trip tomorrow, just the two of us. i think i know where we can find

i'll be there, mr. timberlake. i'll phone you this evening. oh, wonderful. now-- i'll let myself out. oh, oh, fine. oh, you certainly came through for me, dennis. you want me to help you build the birdhouse now? well, i've changed my mind about that. i'll miss the song of our little feathered friend, but i can't build a nest that would be a real home for it. and i guess it wouldn't be easy. i'll tell you what i am going to do. i'm going to find that tent for you and tommy if i had to tear this whole house apart, and i'll set it up in your yard for you myself. oh, boy. that's swell, mr. wilson. would you like to sleep in it with us tonight? oh, well, i don't want to leave my wife alone. hmm. then we better skip it.

things worked out nicely for you today, didn't they, dear? perfect. no nest, no mockingbird, and i'll still be president of the club. thanks to dennis.

bless his little heart. if i wasn't so tired, i'd go over and see that he's tucked in to his little tent. what on earth is that? it sounds like 20 mockingbirds singing at once. i think it sounds like 50 of them. don't they sound beautiful, tommy? yeah, keen. i bet good, old mr. wilson is tickled to death. he sure ought to be. great christopher. hi, mr. wilson. isn't that a swell surprise we made for you? you made that for me? yeah. you said you couldn't build them a real home so we did. it's a regular apartment house. and we filled it full of worms and birdseed. tommy: and birds moved in from everywhere. dennis: now, you'll have a whole bunch of mockingbirds dennis: singing for you every night.

jeepers, tommy, he's so choked up he can't even talk. [music] there are a few more questions i'd like to ask about the camera. now according to your brochure, it says that the camera will take any telephoto lens up to-- mrs. wilson: john. i'll call you back. john, i was wondering if you'd like--

what? don't move. well, john, what's the matter? nothing. nothing. i just want to look at you. eloise, sometimes i forget what a handsome woman you are. why, thank you, dear. you know, eloise, it's a shame but i don't have one good photograph of you. oh. so you've decided to buy that camera after all. well, yeah. john, you promised me you wouldn't. it's too expensive. now, eloise, photography is the finest hobby there is. well, i never said it wasn't. i never said gem polishing wasn't a good hobby when you bought that outfit that's gathering dust down the cellar, did i? well, no, but-- and i didn't object at all when you started collecting stamps, did i? well, no, but-- or coins, or first editions. those are an investment.

but that-- and i didn't say a word when you decided to take up oil painting, although i should have. oh, and your life just wasn't complete till you found out how much fun it was to build ships in bottles. but what happened to the ship? well, i haven't had a chance to put one in there. oh, that's right. the tropical fish took too much of your time. you know, dear, it seems to me that you found the perfect hobby, collecting hobbies. well, i've just been trying to find one that i really liked. and now you think it's going to be photography. well, yes. dear, we can't afford that camera. yes, we can. you know that money we have in the bank? that's our vacation fund. well, if we go on a vacation, we should have a camera. if you buy the camera, we can't go on a vacation. look, if you want it so badly, why don't you sell something, like your first editions? eloise, those are an investment. well, it seems to me, dear,

why are you selling your comic books, dennis? my dad said i had to get rid of them. you want to buy some, seymour? how much is this one? three cents. will you trust me for it? sorry, seymour. this sale is strictly cash and carry. i never carry that much cash. how much do you carry? well, i got this juice in pop bottle. come on over here. these are two cents. are there any adventures of bat boy? bat boy? i never heard of that comic. it's about this boy that flies like a bat. he's got webbed armpits. seymour. he got the idea from his brother, duck boy. he's got webbed feet. seymour, the only thing i have that sounds like bat boy

he flies through the air with this little helicopter strapped to his back. boy, how corny can you get? john. eloise, you slammed the door in my face. i'm so sorry. i didn't know you were out there. put it down.

well, i'm only trying to call-- no telephone calls. but, john-- how can i get an answer to my ad if you're going to be gabbing on the phone with your friends? oh, is it in the paper already? yes, krinkie had did it as a special favor for me. there, see? "for sale, magnificent collection "of rare first editions. call reasonable john wilson." reasonable john wilson? that sounds like a used car salesman. well-- oh, that should read, "call," period, "reasonable," period, "john wilson." john wilson what? "john wilson," exclamation point. well, you always put that in an ad to indicate that it's urgent. and it is. i want that camera. no personal calls during business hours. oh, all right, reasonable john wilson.

how's it going, son? oh, pretty good, dad. i've gotten rid of three comics so far. well, that's a good start. how much have you made? nothing. i traded three of mine for six of these. dennis, the idea is to get rid of them. they're not going back in your room. your mother and i just finished thinning it out. dad, you're not throwing away my good tire pump, are you? now, dennis-- please, dad, it's valuable, can't i keep it? well, all right. thanks. dennis, dennis. will you please be quiet? i'm trying to read. dad, you're disturbing my costumers. no, dennis, i haven't received a single telephone call yet. maybe you ought to put up a sign like i did. i've taken in seven cents so far. dennis, i would have to get at least $220 for those. $220? i don't want mrs. wilson to know

don't touch that. i just wanted to look at it. i've never seen books that are worth that much. well, it won't be worth anything if you get your grubby little hands on them. they're first editions. are they all worth a lot of money? well, no, but if you happen to have a first edition of mark twain, or edgar allan poe, or hemingway. hemingway?

[music] "hemisphere hemingway, interplanetary space pilot." it must be a first edition. see? he's still using his old spaceship without the atomic power. oh, dennis, for heaven's sake, that doesn't make it a first edition. well, how about this one? oh.

dennis, get those off my desk. but, mr. wilson-- [telephone ringing] the phone. john, the phone's ringing. i know, i know, i know. here you are, mr. wilson. oh, thank you. hello-- mr. wilson, you knocked over the vase. oh, for heaven's sake, dennis. mr. wilson: hello? hello? hello? is that "reasonable john wilson?" oh, that should read, "reasonable," period, "john wilson," exclamation point. well, mr. wilson, my name is dewey. i'm in town visiting my brother-in-law for the day and i happened to see your ad. i'm a book collector and i wondered what first editions you have for sale? well, i have a list right here on my desk.

the list, where is the list? where is it? is this what you're looking for? oh yes, thank you. hello. i have-- hello, i have "graph stains" by theodore chiller, "the slender shaft" by-- yes. uh-huh, i see. yeah. well, mr. wilson, that sounds like a very desirable collection. how much are you asking for it? well, how much are you offering? well, i'd say from your description, of course i'll have to examine the books first. i would be willing to pay-- $250? gee, now you can get that camera. well, i'd have to think it over, mr. dewey. well, i don't want to pressure you, mr. wilson. but i'm only going to be in town another couple of hours.

fine. then if i don't hear from you, say, in another couple of hours, i'll assume you're not interested. my phone number? oh, it--555-- oh, just a minute, i'll write that down. yeah. all right now, what is it? five, five, five--yeah. all right. got it. yeah. i'll call you back in a little while. oh, boy. $250. why didn't you take it? well, if i jumped at his offer, he might get suspicious and think that the books aren't worth that much. that's just good business. i better get back to my business. you do that. eloise, eloise, eloise. eloise. eloise. eloise.

well, that's wonderful, dear. dewey who? mr. dewey, the man who answered the ad. oh, him. yeah. and eloise, brace yourself. he offered me 250 smackeroos. 250? oh john, that's more than you paid for them. you see, i told you those were an investment. of course, you accepted. well, i didn't want to seem too anxious, so i told him i'd think it over and call him back. bye, mr. wilson. bye, dennis. john, don't you think it's taking a chance asking mr. dewey to wait? of course not. now, i know exactly what i'm doing. how long are you going to make him wait? oh, i think i'll let him stew for about 10 minutes. it's only four minutes. i know.

the comic books. the number. dennis. [doorbell ringing] i'm coming. i'm coming. quick, where is dennis? well, mr. wilson, what's the matter? nothing. nothing. is he here? no, he isn't. well, do you know where he went? i've got to find him. no, we don't. what kind of a parent are you? letting your child wander around, you don't even know where he is. now, see here, john. he must be in the neighborhood somewhere, mr. wilson. he piled all of his comic books on his wagon and said he was going to try to sell them. comic books? yes, he said you gave him a great idea about how to make a lot of money out of them. an idea?

now, look at this one. don't touch it, tommy. why not? it's a first edition. it's very valuable. who says so? mr. wilson. i heard a man offer him $250 for his collection. wow. i didn't even know he read comics. he doesn't. he collects first editions and that's what this is. how about it, tommy, do you wanna buy it? well, a quarter is a lot of money. consider it an investment. someday you'll be able to sell it at a profit. okay. here you are. all right, mr. dewey, i'll give him your message. eloise. john, john, where did you go? over to the mitchell's. i've got to go and look for dennis. now, if mr. dewey calls, you tell him that i-- dear, he was just on the phone. what? he says there are two books in your collection that he's particularly anxious to buy and he's raised his offer to $300. 300? he wants you to call him right back. oh, boy. i--what's the number? i don't know. you don't know? didn't you ask? no. why?

i didn't say that. well, dear, you were going to call him back so i assumed that you knew it. eloise, with dennis around, it isn't safe to assume anything. oh. i've got to talk to him. i'm sorry, mr. wilson. i haven't seen him since he stopped by here to sell me a comic book. comic book? yes, sir. "hemisphere hemingway." hemingway. that's the one, i think. don't touch it. it's a first edition. i just want to look at it. but it's very valuable. all right, all right, i'll buy it from you. what do you want for it? nickel? nope. dime? nope. how much? fifty cents. fifty cents? all right, all right, we have a deal. oh, drat, that's not the one. well, it's yours, you bought it.

thanks. boy, dennis sure was right. first editions are a great investment. goodbye. fifty cents? yeah, and then he went over to seymour's house and bought one from him for 75 cents. and he gave margaret a dollar for two of 'em. wow. not in that one. it's not in any of these. we've been through them three times. maybe you missed one of the places where dennis sold them. no, i don't think so. 'cause i went to seymour, margaret, tommy, florence, freddy. i didn't miss any of them. oh, i've got to find that telephone number. i know you do, dear, but how? mr. wilson: well, i'll just keep on buying comic books, that's how. mrs. wilson: but that'll cost a lot of money. mr. wilson: well, i've gone this far,

yeah, freddy, he's buying up all the comic books in town. business is zoomin'. call up everybody you know. yeah, joey, i'm tellin' you the truth. he's gonna buy 'em like crazy. okay, you better hurry up. okay, seymour, you're next. how many have you got, seymour? six of 'em. that's 60 cents. these are 50 cents apiece, they're first editions. ten cents each, that's my price. take it or leave it. i'll leave it. seymour, just a minute. i just want to look through them. how much will you charge me just to look through them? fifty cents apiece.

how about 15 cents just look to look at them? well, okay. oh, good. keep your grubby hands off of them. i'll turn the page. that's the last one, mr. wilson. look at all that. no telephone number. no money either. dennis, why did you have to-- oh, nevermind. i don't want to take up photography anyhow. it's too expensive. i'm sorry. i thought i'd find the number in one of those. what are you gonna do with all of them, mr. wilson? i don't know. can i have them? well, if you promise to clear 'em all out of here. oh, boy, thanks. do you like some coffee, dear? no, thank you. how about you, dennis? some milk and cookies? no, ma'am.

hey, mr. wilson. what? the telephone number. dennis, where did-- mom said it was all right for me to take a sandwich with me if i wrapped it up and-- dennis, at last i can call, i hope i'm not too late. [doorbell ringing] i'll get it. whoever it is, we're not buying any more comic books. yes? excuse me, my name's dewey. oh, mr. dewey. yes, is mr. wilson home? there's no answer. that stupid dewey must have left town. john-- i was only 15 minutes late in calling. you'd think that idiot would have waited. john, this is mr. dewey. oh, i was calling you. so i heard. i'm sorry, i'm a little upset, all these comic books.

oh no, those are dennis'. your son? my next-door neighbor. well, how are you, dennis? fine, thank you, mr. dewey. and now, mr. dewey, about my first editions-- my, you've got a mighty fine collection here, dennis. about my first editions-- you know, i collect these things too. you do? about my first editions? yeah, i have a feeling that one day first editions of things like "hemisphere hemingway" are gonna be very valuable. would you like to buy some? i've got a lot of first editions. dennis, mr. dewey came to talk to me about my first editions. that's right, i just wanted to let you know that i shan't be able to buy them. what? you see, while i was waiting for you to call me back, i went out for a walk. i passed by this camera store. well, i just couldn't resist it.

are you a camera nut too? no, just a plain nut. well, you see, i've spent all my hobby budget on the camera, but gee, if i'd known you had these comic books-- you mean you would've bought 'em? why, yes. and mr. wilson's first editions too? yeah, if i could've made a good deal. mr. dewey, i think it's just possible that you can.

[music] dennis, don't put your greasy finger on the lens. and don't force the shutter release. dennis, don't-- don't worry, mr. wilson. i won't hurt our camera. our camera? yes, sir. mr. dewey traded it for your first editions

yes, but-- oh, go play in your own yard. --some more. well, now-- wait a minute, mr. wilson, i just wanna take a couple of more pictures and then you can use our camera for a while. what do you want to take a picture of that junk for? well, the next time my mom and dad make me clean up my room and they ask, "dennis, don't you ever throw anything away?" i'm gonna whip out this picture and show it to 'em. oh, all right, go ahead. all right, now, let's have that. i'm not through yet. i just have a few more to take. a few more? yes, sir. and here they come now. come on. we'll line up in back of here. see?

boy, 10 cents apiece, this is better than selling comic books. dennis, you'll have that worn off out-- come on over here, tommy. oh, for pete's sake. he's not gonna take your picture. you're too fat.

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bristol-myers squibb thanks the patients and physicians who participated in the opdivo clinical trial. - say dear, have you seen my.. - hi dear. - hi, listen, have you seen my car key? - it's on the dresser. - no, no it's not, i've looked all over for it. - well where's the one you keep hidden?

i lost the old one last week. (audience laughs) - now look dear... - mom, i've got to have a coconut cake. hi dad. - good morning, have you seen my car key? - huh-uh. - a coconut cake? - yea mom, we are having a cake sale at school and i signed you up for coconut cake. - well dear, i guess i could get one today at the bakery and then you could take it tomorrow. - gee mom, you can't do that, it's got to be baked at home. (audience laughs) - dear, dear come on, sit down and have your coffee. beaver look, i'll see what i can do. - thanks mom. bye mom. - bye honey. (door closes) - dear, are you sure you haven't seen my car key? - i saw it on the dresser. - dad, um, say dad, would you please sign this? - have you seen my car key? - huh uh, if you just sign this right down there. - what is this? - oh, it's just something saying you'll take an ad in the school yearbook. - well wait a minute, how much does it cost? - well, for ten bucks you can get a whole full page and for two dollars you can be an anonymous friend. (audience laughs) - i'll think it over. - but dad...

it's my car key. (audience laughs) - uh, say mom, would you like to buy an ad in the yearbook? - oh no wally, that's your father's department. well, you want ad for the yearbook, beaver has a cake sale. sounds like the local school system's pretty active. - yea, and we're having class elections too. - oh, you one of the promising young candidates? - cut it out mom. (audience laughs) - you have no political ambitions, huh? - nah, that kind of junk is for the swingers. (audience laughs) so long mom, so long dad. - bye wally. - ward, what in the world's a swinger? (audience laughs) - well, i think in my day they called them big time operators. (audience laughs) - oh yes. isn't that what you were trying to be when i first met you? (audience laughs) - alright, well i'd say that so far our homeroom has an excellent list of candidates to submit to the sophomore class.

so i think it will be an interesting race. and now we're ready for nominations for president. - [hyatt] yes fran? - mr. hyatt, i nominate lumpy, uh, clarence rutherford for president. (audience laughs) - clarence rutherford? are there any seconds to that nomination? - i second the nomination. - well, all right. - [hyatt] clarence rutherford. (audience laughs) - any more nominations? - haskell? - mr. hyatt, i should like to nominate wallace cleaver. (audience laughs) - i second the nomination of wallace cleaver. - [hyatt] all right, wallace cleaver. - now, with one or two notable exceptions, i think we have a very fine list of candidates to submit to the sophomore class. now the elections will be on friday, and i hope all your campaigning will not interfere with your normal school work.

- mr. hyatt, rutherford was a member of the sophomore class last year, doesn't that disqualify him for this year? (audience laughs) - well no, not technically. just because he's making the sophomore class his permanent home, we can't hold that against him. (audience laughs) - alright, now if you'll turn to pages 134 through 138. - boy, that is... my pal, my buddy. what a dirty trick. never again, never again. boy if i had him right here i'd- (audience laughs) and after all i've done for him. nobody else in the world will talk to him. i'll talk to him. boy, and how's he repay me? just tell me how. - wally! - oh wally, that's the cake i baked for beaver's school!

- you can have a cookie if you want to. how did the nominations turn out at school? - terrible, i got nominated for class president. - well that's wonderful, we've never had a president in the family before. - that's it mom, go ahead, make it worse. (audience laughs) - hey, what are you doing with my sweater on? - gee wally, i just wanted to see what i would look like when i got in high school. - yeah, well take it off before you slob it up or something. (audience laughs) - gee wally, what's the matter with you? - that crummy eddie haskell did me a dirty trick. - what kind of dirty trick? - he went and nominated me for class president. (audience laughs) - gee wally, i'd like you to be president. - how come? - well, then i could go to school and say, my brother is the president.

(audience laughs) - why should i go to all the trouble of being class president, just to make you a big shot? (audience laughs) - okay, okay. (audience laughs) (knocking on door) - come in eddie. - good afternoon mrs. cleaver. - good afternoon. - is wallylyome? - yes, he's up in his room. - the reason i didn't come over here earlier is, i have a job after school now. i'm working for my father. - oh, really? - yes, he's training me to take over his business someday. like mr. rockefeller did with his sons. (audience laughs) - that's fine, eddie. - we own a garage, you know. - hey wally. - [wally] hi eddie. - hello eddie. - hi ya squirt, what's new in kindergarten? (audience laughs) - how's it goin' mr. president? - ah, cut it out, will ya, eddie. what did you go and nominate me for? - what do you mean?

chance to win as those other creeps. (audience laughs) - thanks a lot. - listen wally, i'd like to see you be class president. you've got letters in three sports, the teachers like ya, and i heard mary ellen rogers say that she thought you looked like lloyd bridges. (audience laughs) - what are you doin' eddie, giving me the business? - look, i'm leveling with you. i'm not saying you've got the greatest personality in the world, but even if you are a little weird you got more on the ball than the lump. (audience laughs) get with it kid, your country needs you. (audience laughs) - boy, that eddie. - yeah, hey beav, if i was in your class and, i was running for president, would you vote for me? (audience laughs)

even if you are my brother. i better go wash up now. - so students, i am happy to have the honor- nah. what are you looking at? - hi dear - oh hi! is this all the mail? - uh-huh. ward, guess what? wally's been nominated president of the sophomore class. - well good. - he says it's terrible. - why would he say that? seems to me that's something to be proud of. - i know dear, and i think you should tell him that. - well if he is going to take that attitude, i guess we can't force him. (doorbell rings) - i'll get it dear. oh, good evening, fred.

- [june] it's fred rutherford, dear. mr. c is in the den. - in that case i'll beard the lion. in his den, you know. (audience laughs) - hello fred. - i noticed this folder lying on your desk this evening after you left the office. i glanced through it saw it was highly confidential. - um, thanks fred. - didn't think you wanted it lying around for prying eyes. (audience laughs) - well i certainly appreciate your taking the trouble of going through my private papers. - oh, not at all. say, my boy clarence mentioned to me today that he's running for the president of the sophomore class. - oh, i thought your boy was a junior. - no, we held him back a year. don't want to rush him just because he's above average. (audience laughs) - yea, sure, fred. - i understand your boy wally is running against clarence. tough break for your boy. - well, i don't think wally is particularly interested in the elections, fred. - yes, i imagine it sort of took the wind out of his sails when he came up against clarence.

well, i've got to scoot. gwendolyn and i are having dinner with the andersons. he's president of the trust company. he's had his eye on me for a long time. - oh, is that so? what have you been up to, fred? - well, i... oh, good night ward. - good night fred. - is fred gone? - yeah. - oh, then will you tell the boys supper's ready? - yeah. say june, you know i think i'll really have a talk with wally tonight at supper. - what about dear? - what about? well imagine a boy without enough gumption to want to be class president. - gumption? well for lands sakes, granny.

(silverware scratching on plate) - oh wally, are we flying tonight? - no dad, we're cutting our meat. - well just pull your elbows in.

and then when he laughs you yell at him! (audience laughs) - what am i doing wrong now, dad? - oh, uh, oh, nothing, nothing. i understand you were nominated for class president and that you are not in the least interested. - yeah, i'd feel creepy running for stuff. - [ward] well, that's fine, i guess, wally. but i think in school social activities you should be a leader and not just a follower. - yea but, gee dad, i don't know how to go about it. i don't even know half the guys in the sophomore class. - so you don't know half the guys in the class. what do you do about it? look, you're in school. here comes a student you don't know. you walk right up to him and you say, "how do you do? my name is wally cleaver, i'm running for class president, and i'd appreciate your vote." (audience laughs) - gee dad, you're real funny tonight. (audience laughs) - [june] i don't think your father was trying to be funny, beaver.

you gonna to try for this thing and be proud of yourself on election day or are you going to just slouch around and be a nothing on election day? - yeah, yeah, i guess i'm going to try it dad. - of course you are! i don't know how important heredity is, but i was president of my fraternity in college. - yeah, it might not be so bad being class president. - what's gumption? (audience laughs) - if you boys are ready, you can get your desserts. - ok, come on wally. - wally, what's a fraternity? - it's a thing they got in college where guys can hang around and goof off. (audience laughs) - dad was president of one of them? - yeah, i guess so. - [eddie] hey wally! before we go home you want to go over to the gym, shoot some baskets? - nah, if i'm running for class president,

- gee, yesterday you were against it. - well yeah, but a guy just can't sit back. he's got to be aggressive. - you're going to be aggressive? this i've got to see. (audience laughs) - excuse me, excuse me, i'm wally cleaver and i'm running for sophomore president. i'd sure appreciate your vote. - but wally, you don't have to introduce yourself to me, i've known you since grammar school. (audience laughs) - oh, yeah, sorry frances. uh, i uh, i already knew her. - yeah, but you're doing all right, go man, go! - hey, excuse me, excuse me, i'm wally cleaver and i'm running for sophomore president. i would sure appreciate your vote. - yeah, yeah, sure cleaver. i've seen you around. - yeah well, so long. (audience laughs)

- say- - excuse me, i'm wally cleaver and i'm running for the sophomore president and i- - hey, this character is only a freshman. don't go being nice to people who can't help ya. (audience laughs) - beat it, buster. (audience laughs) hey guys, now don't forget, when elections come, cleaver for president. cleaver? yeah, go on. - now you're operating! - here, let me get that for ya. cleaver for president? yeah, well, i sure would appreciate that. say, i'm wally cleaver and i'm running for the sophomore class president, see, and i'd sure appreciate a vote. - what are you cleaver, a wise guy? (audience laughs) - hi, lumpy. - hey, what do you suppose has happened to cleaver? - i don't know. - he's always been so natural.

all of a sudden he's making like a big wheel. - you know, i'd rather vote for lumpy rutherford. at least he's always been a creep. (audience laughs) - hi mom, i'm home. - hi there beaver, how was the cake sale at school? - it was real neat mom, our class sold six cakes and two dozen cookies. angela valentine brought a baked alaskan. and your cake got a dollar seventy five! - well, it sounds like the cake sale was pretty successful. - all except for larry mondello. ms. landers had to send him to the principal's office. - what for? - for eating up his whole cake on the way to school. (audience laughs) - where's wally? - honey, i think he's in the living room phoning. - thanks mom. - yea, well listen julius, if you get frank and kenny to vote for me for president, eddie and i will vote for you for treasurer. yea julius, that's the way you've got to do business. give a little to get a little. - [wally] yea, and i know a couple of girls

well sure they'll vote for ya julius, they've never heard of ya. (audience laughs) yeah, ok pal, it's a deal. - boy wally, you're sure not acting like wally. - this is the way to get votes, beaver. - oh, hi fellas. - hi dad. - hi dad. - your mother told me you were in here making calls, wally. - yeah dad, i'm lining up votes. so far i've got 13 for sures and five maybes. - cleaver for president. - yeah dad, i got eddie to paint 'em, except he made my name too small. (audience laughs) - well beaver, your brother is really swinging, isn't he? - yeah, dad. and yesterday he wanted to be a tree surgeon. - well wally, i guess this is all fine. i just hope you are not pressing too hard though. - but gee dad, i've gotta. there's a lot of sharp guys running. and you ought to see that lumpy.

treating all the guys to sodas. eddie says lumpy's got his old man backing him. (audience laughs) i mean, his father. - yeah well, look, wally... (phone rings) - excuse me. cleaver here. oh, hiya walter. listen pal, i know thompson is a good friend of yours, but uh, i've done you a lot of favors so how about loosening up with a vote, huh? - keep up the good work. - [wally] come on walter, look at all the things i've done for you. look, remember last summer... - beaver, your brother is quite the politician, isn't he? - yeah dad, once at my school i was the playground monitor. - playground monitor, what's that? - well at recess you show the new kids where the washrooms are. (audience laughs) - hi dear, you're home early. - yeah, well, today's election day. how did wally make out? - he lost.

lumpy didn't win, did he? - no, wally told me the president of the sophomore class is somebody called the horse. - well, i would rather see him lose to the horse than to the lump. - why'd you have a feeling he'd lose? - oh the way he was going at it. you know, making deals and hanging up posters, and giving everybody the glad hand. - dear, i thought that's the way you told him to act. - i did. he shouldn't have listened to me. - well, he might have lost anyway. - yeah, but at least he would've had the satisfaction of losing with his own personality. i acted like the typical father, didn't i? - well dear, he's up in his room, why don't you go up and see if you can repair the damage? - yeah, i guess i should. dear, when i get all wound up like this, why don't you stop me? - well look ward, if you hadn't urged him last year he never would have made the track team.

whole personality to run the 100 yard dash. (audience laughs) - heck dad, i'm not sore at ya. - i wouldn't blame you if ya were, wally. i'm afraid i made you look pretty silly with all my advice. - yeah, i guess a lot of the kids did think i was kinda creepy. but heck dad, i'll live. - well anyway son, i'm sorry. i really gave you a bum steer. - how come you gave him a bad steer, dad? - oh, i guess it's just all part of being a father, beaver. your boy makes the football team and you visualize him scoring touchdowns all over the place. he gets an a in mathematics and you see him as an atomic scientist landing on the moon, maybe even picture him marrying the banker's daughter. - gee dad, i thought only kids had goofy deams like that. - no beaver. nope, parents have their share too. see, as you grow older, you come to realize

are just not going to come true. so you begin to dream through your children. - you mean mr. rutherford dreams through lumpy? (audience laughs) - of course he does. i don't guess there's a father around anywhere who doesn't want things to be a little better for his children than they were for him. - okay guys? - okay dad. - you know wally, when i grow up, to make dad happy, i just might land on the moon. and marry the banker's daughter. (audience laughs) - cut it out beaver. - well, i might.

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boy, did you let me down, after i went out on a limb and nominated you and everything. - okay, so i lost. the horse will make a better president anyway. - what are you trying to be wiseguy? a good loser, or somethin'? (audience laughs) - well, he will. - hi guys. - hi lumpy. - congratulations wally, it's pretty good getting 52 votes. - yeah, it would look pretty good to a guy who got nine. (audience laughs) - eddie, would you like a punch in the nose?

- it's not funny. my dad made a big deal out of it. he's not even speaking to me for losing. - [eddie] i wish my pop would stop speaking to me. it would sure cut down on all the screaming and yelling around my house. (audience laughs) - did your dad get all shook up about you losing? - no, he even said it was kind of his own fault. - cut it out wally, no dad would ever say that in a million years. (audience laughs) - okay, you guys can believe what you want. (bell rings)

starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont, tony dow, and jerry mathers

- dum-de-dum-dum, dum-de-dum-bum, oh my darling clementine.

- hello, mister. - you must be ward cleaver's boy. - yeah, i'm mrs. cleaver's boy, too. are you a friend of mine? - [man] you might say that. matter of fact, the day you were born you cost me a dollar. - how'd i do that? - well, i was working in the machine shop then and i took this silver dollar and i drilled a hole in it. then i stuck a white ribbon through it and i give it to your father. that's how come you cost me a dollar. - oh, yeah. i still got it. i thought an angel drilled that hole in there. - no, no, no, i did that myself. weren't any angels mixed up in it. well, now, if your father's home, i wonder if i might possibly talk to him. - well, sure. i'll tell him you're here. - oh my darling, oh my darling ... - [beaver] hey, dad! - what is it, beaver? - there's a man outside who wants to possibly talk to you. - [june] who is it? - he didn't say his name, but he's the man who gave me the dollar with the hole in it for being born. (audience laughing)

i haven't seen him in years. - andy hadlock? - [ward] now, don't worry, dear. i'm just going to talk to him. - ward, every time that ... - [ward] beaver, why don't you run on outside and tell him i'll be right there. - yes, sir. - well, all right, dear, but please be careful. now don't get involved. - my father's coming out, but he's just going to talk to you. - well, hello there, andy. - hello, mr. cleaver. well, i sure admire your place here. you sure been doing fine. - well, thank you, andy. how've you been doing? - well, i've been doing fine, too, mostly. - i could show you the dollar, if you want. i'm not allowed to spend it. (audience laughing) - [andy] glad you kept it, boy. mr. cleaver, i've just been noticing your trim here. it could use a coat of paint, don't you think? - oh, i think we can get through another season. sure good to see you though, andy. - i could do the whole job in a couple of,

yes, indeed. cost you the same as the other house, even though this is a larger place. - well, i don't know, andy. - here's a nice color that i painted the johnson trim. you can call mr. johnson and he'll tell you i did a nice job. real, real dependable. - here's a nice color, dad. green. - that's mr. martin's garage. you can call him, too, if you like. i'm right in between jobs now. i could use the work. - gee, it's real neat having the samples right on yourself. couldn't he do it, dad? - look, uh, look, andy, i'd like to help you, you know that, but what about your trouble? - oh, i haven't had that five or six months, give or take a day. - all right. when could you start? - well, i can get my brushes and i can start right after lunch. if you're worried about my trouble,

- no, i'll take your word for it, andy. - i appreciate that, mr. cleaver, i really do. well, i'll be seeing you, young fellow. - i'll be seeing you, too, andy. dad, what kind of trouble has andy got? - oh, it's nothing, beaver. - that's good 'cause i thought his trouble might be spilling paint on himself. (audience laughing) - hey, mom, i forgot to ask you. did mary ellen rogers call this afternoon? - no, no one called. - she's just doing that to get me sore. - [june] seems to me she's not doing anything. - yeah, that's what i mean. - well, dear, it looks to me as though andy's doing a very nice job on the house. - yeah, so far. - [wally] hey, what color are you having it painted? i wouldn't want to come home some night and go in the wrong house. ha, ha. - ha, ha. we're just painting the trim, wally. - we got a really neat guy doing it.

and he's going show me how to tie a monkey's fist. - a monkey's fist? - i don't know what it is, but it sure sounds neat. - i think i remember andy. when i was a little kid, he used to come around to the other house and work around. then all of a sudden he didn't come anymore. is that the same andy? - yes, wally, that's the same andy. dear, did you speak to andy about you-know-what? - [ward] yes, i did, dear, and he assured me he hadn't you-know-whated in the last six months. - andy's got troubles. - yeah? what kind of trouble? - never mind, wally. - ward, there's just one thing, i'll not have any of that around the boys. - why don't you fellows take your plates out to the kitchen now? - yes, sir. - [beaver] yes, sir.

do you think andy's got? - i don't know, but it must be something pretty neat if they don't want him to do it around us. (audience laughing) - dear, i have nothing against andy. it's just that i hope he doesn't start drinking on the job again. - well, so do i, but he says he's all right now and, well, i think the least we can do is to try to help him help himself. - well, i suppose so, dear. that green he's using, do you think it's the right color? - looked just great on his sweater. (audience laughing) - well, beaver, i've been a ship so it was cold before, but not as cold as this. why, it was so cold that the flames in the galley stove froze stiff. - boy, oh, boy! - [andy] yes, yes indeed. yeah, we had to thaw them out with a blowtorch before we could heat up our chow. - gee, andy, you must have been just about everywhere in the whole world. - every place there is, and a few that there ain't. - andy, are you really going to make me a monkey's hand?

yeah, i've been working on that for two nights now. - [june] beaver! it's time to come in now. - guess my mother wants me. - yes, you better go on in, son. always do what your mother tells you. - [beaver] be right in, mom! you know, andy, mom and dad said you got troubles, but i don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. (audience laughing) (pensive music) - oh, there you are. i have some milk and cookies for you. have you been talking to andy? - yeah, mom. he's a neat guy.

- well, i think he may be kidding you a little bit. - yeah, maybe, but he's kidding me 'cause i'm a friend of his, not just 'cause i'm a kid. (audience laughing) - [june] come on. - hi, beav. - hi, wally. - hey, what are you doing? - andy must have gone home early today so i'm putting his paint away for him. hey, wally, look. he made me the monkey's fist. - boy, that sure is a lot of knot. - he was a real sailor on a ship that was in the war and got hit by bullets and sunk, and other guys rescued him. - no fooling? what war was that? - i don't know. he was going so good, i didn't want to stop him. - yeah, he sure is a neat guy all right. - hey, wally, what's this? i found it in the bushes.

it could be turpentine. - didn't smell like turpentine. - hey, i know what this is. it's whiskey. - smell's awful. - well, all whiskey smells awful. - then why do people drink it? - [wally] well, it's like when grownups have a party. they drink it to have a good time. - gee, if it's a party, don't they have a good time anyway? - well, grownups have a harder time having a good time than kids do. (audience laughing) - how do you think it got in the bushes? - i don't know. maybe somebody threw it there coming home from a party. - hey, are you sure andy didn't tell you what war he was in? - uh-uh, but he said during the fight, an airplane flew over and it had top and bottom wings on it. - oh, that must have been world war i. they had more wings on our planes in that war than in any other war they ever had. (audience laughing) - is wally still on the phone? - yes. he's talking to mary ellen rogers.

what's he saying? - he's explaining why he's not speaking to her. (audience laughing) - hey, you know, i think andy's doing a pretty good job, huh? - yes, but he went home early today. he was gone when i came home from shopping. - he's not so young anymore. that's pretty tiring work. - i suppose so. ward, do you think we ought to tell the boys about andy's drinking problem? - oh, he's always been harmless. he's such a hero to beaver i hate to disillusion him without any reason. hey, did you see that knot he tied for beaver, the monkey's fist? - yeah, what did they use those for? - oh, well, when the ship's coming in to the dock, why, the monkey's fist is on the end of the heaving line. you see, that's all coiled up and you just let her go, and the heaving line's attached to the hawser and down on the dock you have a ...

(audience laughing)lot of times, being a teenager means living with labels.

and the ones you give yourself. but what happens when you're labeled as someone you're t? "stop!" wearing a label you don't want... or find yourself labeling other people? it can be so frustrating... sad...lonely. if you're feeling overwhelmed by problems at school... "watch it!" at home, or anywhere else, you don't need labels. you need people who will listen. who can help you take control, help you heal, help you win. you need to call the girls and boys town national hotline. (tdd# 1-800-448-1433) 24/7, they're here with help and hope when you need it most. the girls and boys town national hotline. change your label. change your life.

(audience laughing) - hi, andy. - you all by yourself, beaver? - uh-huh. did you want something? - well, i tell you, i've been working out there, and i, i kind of got a little shaky. - oh, yeah? well i got shaky one time in a school play when i had to hug a girl. you haven't been hugging any girls, have you, andy?

(audience laughing) (sad music) say, beaver, i hate to ask you this, but ... i wonder if you can get me a drink? - sure. well, it's a clean glass. (audience laughing) - it sure is. son, what i was thinking of was something with a little more flavor to it. - oh, sure. we got some real neat honolulu punch. - [andy] now just a minute, son. here's what ... this is the way it is. i got all that trim out there to finish painting, and i want to do a good job for your father, and, well, it's hot out there and i don't think i could make it on honolulu punch. - oh. well, what could you make it on, andy?

does your father ... would he have a little bit of whiskey around? - no, i don't think so. - he don't. - no, but once my uncle billy sent my father a bottle, and it was all wrapped up and it had brandy in it. - that's about what i'm talking about, beaver. could you get it for me, seeing as you're my friend? - well, sure. at christmastime my father pours it over cake. do you want me to pour it over cake for you? - don't bother about that, beaver. i think it'll be all right the way it is. - there you are. - oh, thank you, beaver. i'll just take this outside so i'll have it there in case i get shaky again.

say, beaver, i hope you're not disappointed in old andy. - gee whiz, no, andy. lots of people don't like cake. (audience laughing) - it's all right, andy. andy, you don't have to apologize, i understand. no, no, i wouldn't worry about the rest of the painting. we'll get someone else to finish up. it's all right, andy. you just take it easy and get yourself a good rest. all right. goodbye, andy. - how is he? - oh, he's very apologetic. you know, i really think he means well. - i'm certainly glad beaver wasn't around to see him in this condition. - i think andy is, too. that seems to be his main concern. - i put the paint away, dad, and i got the brushes soaking. - okay, thanks, wally. - [june] wally, when your brother comes home, say as little about this as possible.

i won't tell him andy was drinking. if he asks where andy is, i'll just tell him that he, uh ... well, he tripped over a log or something, and they had to take him to the hospital to have an operation. - wally, i think it would be better if you just said nothing at all. - well, okay, dad. - well, i better get supper started. - dear. thanks for not saying i told you so. - it was a real effort, but i managed. (audience laughing) - oh, well hi, beaver. - hello, dad. hello, mom. where's andy? - oh, well, andy went home a little early today. - gee, he was going to tell me some more stories about the war. now i'll have to wait until tomorrow. - i'm afraid he won't be back tomorrow, beaver. andy's been working pretty hard and he needs a little rest. (sad music)

- beav, why don't you just run on upstairs, now, like a good boy? - there's always something wrong when i have to run upstairs like a good boy. - come on, hurry up, beaver. supper will be ready soon. - yes, mom. - come on, wally, you can tell me. - gee, i told them i wouldn't say much about it. - well, you can tell me a little about it. (audience laughing) - well, andy had a little trouble with a ladder. - what kind of trouble? - he, uh, kind of fell off it. - how can he do that? he was a sailor on a ship and he used to climb masts and everything. - well, he was drinking. - drinking what? - whiskey, what do you think? - oh. - yeah, that's his trouble that mom and dad were talking about.

- right away, dad. (sad music) - wally, is brandy like whiskey? - sure it is, now will you stop asking questions. i told you enough already. - well, are we all enjoying our supper? - well, i know i am. it's just wonderful, dear. - yeah, mom, it's real delicious. - dad, it was too bad about andy today. - oh? - yeah, about him drinking whiskey and falling off the ladder and stuff. - wally, i thought we weren't going to say anything about this to your brother. - well, we weren't, mom, but he kind of dragged it out of me. you know how he does. - well, beaver, it certainly is too bad about andy, because he was trying very hard to overcome

chance of making it, too, if someone hadn't sold him that first drink today and got him started again. (sad music) - dad. nobody sold it to him, i gave it to him. - you gave him what? - i gave him that bottle of stuff from uncle billy that you pour on the cake. - oh, boy, beaver. - yeah, well he came in and said he felt shaky and i gave it to him. - well, beaver, don't you know that's the worst thing you could possibly have done? don't you know that's what got andy started all over again? - well, gee, dad, the way you and mom were talking about troubles and you-know-whats and spelling out stuff, how could i know something was wrong when i didn't even know what you were talking about? - heck yeah. i'm in high school and i didn't know what was wrong until you were helping andy in the car. - but, boys, we were just trying to protect you from things like this. - you know something, dear?

we can't ever really protect anyone by hiding the truth from them. - well, i wouldn't have given andy anything if i thought it would have hurt him. - i know you wouldn't, beaver. and i'm sure if we'd just let you know from the beginning what was going on, you could have handled the situation when it came up, huh, boy? - well, sure, dad. i know what to do if i know stuff. - heck yeah. you and mom shouldn't be ascared to tell us things. somebody's got to tell a guy about all the bad junk in the world. - well, wally, i just hope it's always

- hi, mom. - hello, wally. - hey, you know, mom, the house looks pretty crummy with just half the trim painted.

- well, wally, i think you should be willing to do things around the house without always asking to be paid. after all, this is your home as well as ours. - you know, mom, i guess it doesn't look so bad after all. (audience laughing) - did you see your brother on the way home? - yeah, he was over by lake avenue walking in the mud. - well, did you tell him to get out of the mud? - of course not. why should i spoil his fun? that's for grownups to do. (audience laughing) - [beaver] oh my darling, oh my darling clementine. (humming) - [andy] hello, there, beaver. - hello, andy. are you feeling better today? - yeah, yeah, i've been feeling pretty good. beaver, i've sort of been hoping that i'd run into you. - you have? - yeah. did they find out that you were the one that, that helped me yesterday?

and they were pretty mad at me, too. - oh, i'm sorry about that, beaver. i really am. 'cause you were my friend. - well, then, how come you did it? - beaver, i've been hurting people all my life. i still don't know how come i do it. now, you take the authorities, i can't hurt them. andy's become just another old bum to them by now. - but you're not a bum, andy. you're a real neat guy. - that's because you're my friend, and you like me. but you see, a fellow can't hurt the ones who don't care. he can hurt just the ones who love him. - well, my brother says people drink to be happy, but you sure don't look happy. - no, i'm not, beaver. but, you know, running into a little fellow like you,

- i taught you something? - yeah. an empty life and an empty bottle go pretty much together. beaver, you tell your father i'll be back first thing tomorrow, and i'll finish up that trim, huh? - okay, andy. - [andy] all right, beaver. - oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling clementine.

okay, i've got it all worked out. what's that? in case i'm not here when it's time to go to the hospital. what's wrong with calling a cab? oh, it's too unreliable. they might not have one available, or the driver might have a hard time finding the address. the first one you call is mr. letkins next door. he's almost always home now that his wife is visiting her mother. if by some chance, he's not there, call mrs. grand down the block. let the phone ring because she spends a lot of time out in her rose garden. now, if she's out, you try the henrys, then the goodalls, the harpers, and the cushmans. by the time i make all those calls, it may be too late to get to the hospital.

any more of that chocolate cake left? i'm sorry, sweetheart, we finished the last of it at dinner. i could eat another piece myself. [ ding! ] honey, when you go to the doctor tomorrow for your checkup -- i thought you said there's no more chocolate cake. there wasn't. what's that, chopped liver? darrin, i don't know where it came from. you don't? how about... absolutely not. if i had, i would have zapped it a la mode. then where did it come from? i don't know. maybe mother sent it to me as gift. you want half? oh, i wouldn't dream of it. after all, you're eating for two.

well, that's good. you put on a little more weight. i'll be losing some in a little while -- about seven or eight pounds, wouldn't you say? oh, incidentally, i'm out of my pills. it's a little late to start worrying about that, isn't it?

oh, sorry. [ chuckles ] i'll give you another prescription. darrin made arrangements with the neighbors to drive me to the hospital in case he wasn't home. oh, he'll be home. none of my babies is ever born until after i've gone to bed -- usually around 3:00 a.m. by the way, what are you hoping for? a honeydew melon. that's odd. most people want a boy or a girl. oh. oh, i'm sorry. i just can't seem to keep my mind off food. i get these terrible cravings. well, it is a little unusual this late, but it's probably psychological because you didn't gain as much weight as we expected. i guess so. well, it's nothing to worry about. i had one patient who was on her way to the hospital, and she stopped off to buy a bag of apples. i've been thinking about apples, too... ...but candied ones.

[ chuckles ] i had it in my purse. care for a bite? no, thank you. with my wife, it was chop suey. she couldn't get enough of it. oh, chop suey. say, that sounds good. [ ding! ] uh, let me have that prescription back, will you, samantha? i'd like to increase the dosage. prescription? yeah. oh. what do you got in that purse?

[ chuckles ] well, if your druggist can't read it, he can always eat it. yoo-hoo. hi, sweetheart. hi, honey. how did it go at the doctor's? oh, fine, just fine. he said it could be any day now. i've got another neighbor to add to that list. you have enough names on that list now to fill madison square garden. i'm just being cautious. what's in here? just a little leftover chop suey. [ groans ] don't they put it in cartons anymore? darrin, i might as well tell you. ever since yesterday, when i get a craving for food, i get it. this is certainly the time when you should indulge yourself. no, no, no, sweetheart. you don't understand. i mean, when i get a craving, i don't go to it. it comes to me.

that's the first sensible thing you've ever said. i wish you wouldn't do that. when did these cravings start, samantha? yesterday. sam, what are you gonna do? let's look at the bright side. if i suddenly get a craving for something in the middle of the night, you don't have to go out and get it for me. this is nothing to kid about. what we have to do is get dr. bombay. hurry, please, because larry's coming over. we're gonna work on the paxton account. while you're waiting for bombay, maybe it might be a good idea if you went upstairs and took a nap. i'm not sleepy. now, sam, what are we gonna say if larry's here, and you suddenly get a yen for -- i don't know -- shish kebab? ooh, i haven't had shish kebab in ages. [ ding! ] [ gasps ] sam, there's only one thing to do. call the fire department? how do you know this isn't something serious? [ doorbell rings ]

[ tinkles ] how can i get rid of it? try eating it. hi, larry. hi, darrin. samantha. endora. hi, larry. mr. tate. how nice to see you. thank you. sam, you look positively radiant. thank you, larry. and that shish kebab doesn't look bad either. [ laughter ] uh, well, i suddenly got this craving for shish kebab, and darrin was sweet enough to get it for me. with louise, it was pizza. with me, it was hummingbird wings. [ chuckles ] i think i'll go upstairs and take a nap. you want to be looking your best for this afternoon. oh, larry, about that cocktail party -- i don't know whether we can make it. what are you talking about? you know the only reason i'm having the cocktail party is so we can pitch our ideas to paxton. you remember him, don't you, sam? how could i forget him?

you made a big hit with him. larry, i know how badly you want his account. i'll be there, but i'm not sure whether sam can make it. darrin, i don't want to hurt your feelings, but if only one of you can make it, i'd rather have sam. i always said you were a man of taste and judgment. thank you. well, we better get cracking on that presentation. uh, yes, i've got the stuff in the den. will you get ahold of that quack, bombay? i'll have you know he's our most prominent witch doctor. do you have to call him that? yes. darrin. that dr. bombay has no sense of responsibility. if he's going away, why doesn't he leave another doctor on call? because you silly boy, i happen to be irreplaceable! well, it's about time. hope you realize the sacrifice i made by coming here. i was about to plunge my pennant in the peak. well, what's the trouble?

what could be more normal? look at you. would you let her finish? when she has these cravings, the food comes to her. well, what's the problem? sounds rather convenient to me. well, it can be rather awkward, dr. bombay. if it happens in front of mortals, what will they say? nothing, if you turn them into monkeys. [ laughs ] can you do anything about it or not? i'll have to examine her first. sit down, my dear. here. here. here we are. let's see. pardon me. darrin: what are you going to do? check her blood pressure, of course. yeah. yes. that's normal. just take your pulse. right shoe off. uh, yes. yes, well, perfectly obvious to me. what is it? you're pregnant.

you didn't tell me you had another man on the case. dr. bombay, please be serious. we're late for a very important cocktail party. is there a cure? of course. [ tambourine jangling ] what's that for? nothing, but i love the sound. sam, this is ridiculous. it's also extremely painful. dr. bombay, please. oh, very well. but i should think considering how far i've come, you wouldn't begrudge me a little levity. give her the cure, and then you can laugh yourself sick. look close. [ exhales sharply ] [ sneezes ] [ coughs ] that's all? well, i could have worn a black hood and used a steaming caldron, but you said you were in a hurry. don't you think we should test it,

bombay never bombs out. just the same. sweetheart, what do you feel like eating right now? well, i could go for a corned-beef sandwich. thank you, dr. bombay. i'm sorry if i was a little huffy. come on, sweetheart. get your mother to babysit, and then we can go. just one moment. what about my fee? oh, well, what do you want? i want your soul. what? he's rather a square, isn't he? ah, well, ta-ta. [ ding! ] uh, sam when dr. anton takes your blood pressure, h-how does he do it? the normal way. then why doesn't bombay do it that way? oh, sweetheart, he just likes to be showy. i'll admit he's a little bit difficult, but he's the only witch doctor we have.

i really could go for a corned-beef sandwich. sam? sam?! corned-beef sandwich, please. make it lean with lots of mustard.

[ ding! ] oh! hello, sweetheart. are you all righgh yeah, just fine, fine. i called larry and told him we wouldn't be there. how did he take it? with his usual good grace. he said if you could you better be having the baby. i hope you told him that -- that's not exactly what he said. but to calm him down, i sort of, uh -- well, i implied that maybe we were going to the hospital. darrin stephens, you're worse than larry.

oh, i heard. i heard. that silly old goose reversed the spell. darrin? hmm? maybe you weren't lying. about what? about going to the hospital. oh, samantha. you mean this is really -- this is the time?! i'll get your bag! oh, samantha. mother, will you call dr. anton? his number's on that book on the television set. and get in touch with dr. bombay. [ siren wailing ] uh-oh, i told you you shouldn't go so fast. i know. don't worry. every cop understands about pregnant women. oops, i'm getting hungry again. well, get your mind off of it. think about something else. think about, uh, baseball. right, baseball. uh, baseball. um, um, pitchers, catchers, scorecards.

scorecards, home runs, hot dogs. [ ding! ] may i see your license? oh, certainly. i know i was exceeding the speed limit. you see, my wife is going to have a baby. is that so? yes, and i've got to get her to the hospital. well, where is she -- in the glove compartment? oh, no. sam? sam? [ chuckling ] your wife's name is sam? yes. and sam is having a baby? that's right. okay, lucille, this is really gonna cost you. admitting, please. no relish this time -- just lots of mustard. hello? is there a mr. darrin stephens there? may i speak with thank you. hello. sam, where are you?! i'm at shea stadium. what?!

the dodgers are playing the mets. sweetheart, you neve thinking about baseball. sam, what's going on?! well, the bases are loaded, there are two outs, and willie davis is up. sam, i mean are you okay? oh, mm-hmm, yes, i'm fine, just fine. good, now, will you get over here as fast as you can? i don't care what the score is! will you hurry? mm-hmm, as soon as i finish my hot dog. [ crowd murmuring ] hold on! sam, sam, hello? h-h-hello, sam? darrin, you know why it's so quiet here? no. why? willie davis just hit a grand-slam home run. oh, boy.

um, okay. bye. [ knock on door ] yes? i'm sorry, darrin. you'll have to wait outside. i just wanted to tell samantha that the person that we were expecting to arrive hasn't. oh, don't you worry, sweetheart. he'll be here. just be patient. you know, this is getting to be quite a bore. shh! do you know what you put us through by reversing that spell? well, you can't win them all, dear boy. however, i think i can straighten her out. this her room? no, you can't go in there looking like that. you've got to look more professional. for your information, clothes do not make the doctor. however, if it will make you happy... [ ding! ] hmm, that's interesting. what is it? well, it's nothing to be alarmed at,

yes? hello, samantha. how are you? bombay is the name. medicine's my game. dr. bombay i-i-is a friend of the family. i don't understand. nothing to concern yourself about, my dear chap. my practice doesn't compete with yours. i'm here as a consultant. so, if you'll kindly step aside... i beg your pardon. dr. bombay, i think perhaps you ought to wait outside. if you don't mind. very well, if you're going to get huffy. these mortal doctors certainly are thin-skinned. wouldn't let me anywhere near her. oh, well, i'll go back when he leaves. that might be too late. i don't want my baby born at a hot-dog stand. dr. bombay just misunderstood. i only wanted him to well, i understand. anyway, as i was saying, it's nothing to be alarmed about. it's just that -- [ ding! ] well, i've got some rather interesting news about your baby.

this time, in addition to the medication, i think i will add a little whammy. onus, maximus, reebus, quills. cure this patient of her ills. food won't come, and food won't go. she'll be fine... ho, ho, ho. [ sneezes ] oh, uh, dr. anton, you're looking a little pale. are you all right? no. i'm getting a checkup first thing tomorrow. what are you doing here? we just had to see her once more before she had the baby. oh, well, there's plenty of time for that. hmm? well, according to my examination,

for a while? how long a while? well, it's nothing unusual. it's just a little false alarm. [ chuckling ] you do all this research on a perfect car then smash it into a tree. your insurance company raises your rates. maybe you should have done more research on them. for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. just one of the many features that comes standard with our base policy. call for a free quote today. see car insurance in a whole new light.

i'll just wait at the desk until sam comes down. i'm sorry we put you to all this trouble, doctor. oh, don't apologize. it happens. and, uh, forgive me if i offended you, doctor. i didn't realize you were a friend of the family. actually, i'm only a friend of half the family. i see. well...goodbye. goodbye, dr. bombay. don't think i don't appreciate what you did, because i don't. someday, you're going to make a beautiful artichoke.

darrin, have i got great news for you. when i told paxton the baby was being born today, do you know what he did? no, what? he told me that in honor of the baby being born on the day we were honoring him, he was awarding us his account! oh, but, larry -- you didn't even tell me whether it's a boy or a girl. not that it matters to paxt-- sam, they're not letting you go home already? didn't darrin tell you? it's not that i haven't tried. tell me what? it was a false alarm. oh. you look more disappointed than i feel. oh, paxton was gonna give us his account in honor of the new baby. oh, well, what makes you think he won't feel the same way when it is born? he'll be sober by then. unless... sam, how would you feel about spending the night here?

i'll bring paxton around to see you and the new baby. what new baby? you mean to tell me in a place like this, we can't borrow -- listen, that's a $2 million account! -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com we're all set. the car is in the driveway with the motor open and the door running. oh, that's good. how do you feel? oh, i feel fine. the important thing is not to panic. you're not the first woman to have a baby, and you won't be the last. yes, sweetheart, and it's not even my first baby. oh! dr. anton. we forgot to call dr. anton. no, i called him before i woke you up. he's meeting us at the hospital. oh, good. tabitha! who's gonna stay with tabitha? esmerelda. i yoo-hooed for her.

well, in that case, we took care of everything. yes, we did. darrin? sweetheart, get in the car. we're wasting time. just one quick question. what? shouldn't i drive? in your condition? i was thinking about your condition. don't be silly. i'll drive.

maternity? how did you guess? we're mr. and mrs. darrin stephens. my wife is a patient of dr. anton. oh, yes, mr. stephens. doctor called us. if you'll just fill out this admissions form for us, i'll set the red tape in motion. [ ding! ] samantha, my dearest! daddy. well, the hallowed moment has arrived. i thought we agreed not to let anyone know until after the baby was born. i would have you know, you earthbound clod, that i am not just anyone. i was attending an interplanetary banquet in my honor, when across the cosmos, i felt the vibrations of incipient maternity. swell. they're coming down for you now, mrs. stephens. thank you. nurse, i am mrs. stephens' father,

fine. you can sit in the waiting room with mr. stephens. couldn't he wait down here? why? he is her husband. i know, but i hate crowds. this is painfully monotonous. then why don't you leave? mr. stephens? yes? dr. anton wanted me to give you a happy message. is it a witch or a warlock?! i beg your pardon? a boy or a girl? a boy -- a handsome, healthy, 7-pound boy. we'll show him to you soon. how's my wife? she's just fine. you can see her soon, too. a boy. it's a boy! congratulations. congratulations.

not yet, but soon. that's not fair. i was here first. my dear sir, this is a hospital, not a delicatessen. cigars for everyone. [ ding! ] how did he do that? he's a professional magician. the hand is quicker than the eye. [ laughs ] you know? mrs. hourgan! when a father gives you a cigar, you're supposed to save it for your husband. rockabye baby, on the treetop mr. stephens?

[ ding! ] where did it go? you swallowed it. he's terrific. a son. i have a son. what's more important, i have a grandson. ralph: are they all so small? would you like yours to be elongated? maurice, you've seen the baby. why don't you just run along? i wish to see his mother. sorry. the father only. the recovery room is down the hall to the right. see you later, pal. you can see him through the glass in the nursery.

yes, sir? why did you put him in the second row? because the first row was taken. then do some rearranging. that child is my grandson. i want him front and center. we place all our children first come, first serve, but they all get equal attention. but i want the stephens child to have special attention. why? because he's a very special baby. isn't that apparent? grandpa, all babies are special. excuse me. "grandpa, all babies are special." grandpa will change that. precious package full of grace, incandescent and so new, whatever mortal sees your face

[ ding! ] greetings. greetings. have you seen the stephens boy? well, i'm not sure. now, which one is he? need you ask? front and center. [ ding! ] why, that's the most beautiful baby i've ever seen in my life. you're merely being tactful. oh, no. no, i mean it. helen, have you seen the stephens boy? sure. i helped deliver him. [ ding! ] but i didn't notice how gorgeous he was. well, ladies, don't you have enough work?

that's funny. i just -- [ ding! ] that's the most magnificent baby i've seen in 20 years of nursing. that's better. a task well done. [ ding! ] mrs. hourgan, i just saw a man disappear into thin air. so what? look at the stephens boy.

u had a chat with your daughter, what'd you tabout? what time will you be home? who's driving? and who are you going with? be true to yourself baby. are those my shoes? get your homework done first. i am so proud of you. here's something else i'm discussing with my daughters. it's the connection between cervical cancer and some types of hpv, the human papillomavirus. a virus that causes cervical in thousands

and if you're african-american, you may be at higher risk. the good news is that cervical cancer can be prevented through screening. even if they don't ways admit it, our daughters are depending on us. to learn more about the connection between cervicalanr and hpv, talk to your doctor and sit make the connection dot org. make the connection is public education campaign sponsored by the cancer research and prevention foundation and the step up women's network. cervical cancer and hpv, make the connection. that's make the connection dot org. [ knock on door ] come in. mrs. stephens, i'm mrs. goodall, day supervisor. and i just want to tell you i think your son is fantastic. you do? thank you. i'm mad about him. so are we. uh, by the way, a mr. tate is here to see you. oh, thank you. [ door closes ]

that's because he has a very special father. and a very, very special mother. well, i'll go show larry the, uh, future president. [ door opens, closes ] [ all murmuring ] which one is he? front row, center. excuse me, fellas. i'd like to see the stephens baby. so would we. wait your turn. who are they? i don't know. look at the shape of his head. perfect! which one is yours? over there -- "paikowski girl." which one is yours? second row -- "johnson boy."

yeah. [ ding! ] and i know why. that's the most magnificent baby i've ever seen. well, he is kind of cute. kind of cute? he's superb! he's so superb, i'd like to adopt him. larry, don't be ridiculous. darrin, that baby of yours does something to me. i've got to have him. but you already have a son. i'll trade you. larry, are you all right? i guess i always was a sucker for a baby. take me to samantha. i want to pay tribute to her. samantha. sam, there are times when the mere word "congratulations" is totally inadequate. oh! [ chuckles ] oh, they're lovely.

well, thank you. and not 1/10 so lovely as your son. you like him? he loves him. and so does everyone who sees him. so let's get down to business. oh, does sam know we need a campaign for berkeley? no, she doesn't. why not? because i haven't told her. sam, we represent berkeley baby foods. the product needs an image, and you just gave birth to him. we're gonna put your son's picture on every label, on newspaper and magazine ads, on national billboards, and on prime-time network television. well, i'm very flattered, larry, but -- larry, let's get something straight. our baby is not doing any commercials. darrin, i have an instinct. your son is going to be the most famous child since shirley temple. larry, i'm very flattered, but -- and the wealthiest. i'll try again.

i agree with darrin. i don't want our son to do commercials. kids, don't make a snap decision. talk it over, while i round up a movie crew to make a test commercial. bye-bye! sam, don't you think larry is kind of overreacting? i think the whole hospital is overreacting. the head obstetrician was in here just a few minutes ago. he wanted to know if we would permit the hospital to commission a mural of our son for the lobby. what? as an inspiration to others. sam, has your mother done something sneaky? no. mother promised she'd hang up her sneakers until we got the baby home from the hospital. then it's got to be your father. [ ding! ] good day, children. what, as they say, is new? you tell us.

what's wrong with that? they want to paint a mural of him in the lobby. smashing notion! i think it's a terrible notion. aren't you proud of your own child? oh, daddy, for heaven sakes. of course we are. i mean, it's natural that we would think he's the greatest thing that ever happened, but it isn't natural for strangers to think so. it is now. then you admit it. you tossed around some of your voodoo. let us say i gave the natural an assist from the supernatural. you cast a spell to make whoever sees our baby fall in love with him. indeed i did. well, we demand that you uncast it immediately. samantha, one more word out of himand i'm leaving! this is no time to upset daddy. say you're sorry. sorry. that's the word! [ ding! ] daddy? oh, daddy, come back here. okay, fellas, right this way. just a second. who authorized this?

it's a screen test starring the stephens baby. the stephens baby? in that case, regulations suspended. thank you. come on, fellas. [ ding! ] samantha... your father is a very stubborn man. he refuses to undo his deed. now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to take another peek at my grandson. we'll go with you. i want to see what's going on out there. honey, are you allowed to get up? dr. anton said if i felt like it, i can, and i feel like it. excuse me, fellas. i'm trying to line up a shot. bob, why haven't you come to see me? i've been looking at the baby. oh. then i forgive you. he's really great. what do you mean, "he"? our baby's a girl. how dare you look at someone else's baby!

[ ding! ] oh... i see what you mean. oh, darrin, this is terrible. i know. oh, i think it's delightful. all right, fellas. here's your mark. sam, darrin -- oh, nice to see you, endora. what's he doing? he's shooting a commercial. of my grandchild? samantha, are you going to permit your son to be exploited by mortals? well, i don't want to, mother, but -- [ camera rolling ] you know, there's a point. daddy is making our son famous. do you know what's going to happen? what? come here. well, when the witches' council finds out -- the witches' council, who wants my marriage to get as little publicity as possible --

that they are gonna call the warlock shakespearean society and have him expelled. [ ding! ] samantha, this is blackmail. yes, i know. you gonna pay it? something is rotten in the state of denmark. for it cannot be, but i am pigeon-livered and lack gall to make oppression bitter. very well put. are you gonna pay the blackmail? yes. the magic from my spell be flown. from this moment, to each his own. yeah, that's a pretty good-looking kid... [ ding! ] but look at our little angel. she's really beautiful! cut. cut. darrin, why did you bring a movie crew to the hospital?

daddy! how's my daughter... and my granddaughter? we're both fine. mr. berkeley, i guess you're wondering why we have all this equipment at the hospital. i wasn't wondering, but i guess you want to tell me something. well, it's just that, uh, stephens had this idea, and i doubt that -- mr. berkeley, i'm mrs. stephens. darrin and i just had a baby, too. well, congratulations. thank you. sweetheart, why don't you tell him your idea? oh, well, i... mr. berkeley, when darrin saw your granddaughter, he got the idea that she would be the perfect image for berkeley baby food. really? that's right, and i approved the idea. and with no thought to the expense, we hired a movie crew to test her. tate, stephens, you're on the ball. especially tate. i'll take a look at the test and give you my objective opinion of how beautiful she is. fine, mr. berkeley.

we'll take another close-up of mr. berkeley's granddaughter. do you remember the night samantha was born? oh, shall i ever forget? it was a traumatic experience for me. for you? well, i bet. the eve of the metaphysical meditatum and barbecue. no, it was not, maurice. it was the eve of the galactic rejuvenation and dinner dance. i flew to your bedside from jupiter. no, you flew to my bedside from venus. jupiter. venus. look at them --

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mommy, i missed you. i missed you, too. sweetheart, here is your new baby brother. [ cooing ] how do you like him? he's very nice. how long is he gonna stay here? forever. we discussed that, remember? even if he doesn't become a warlock? even if he doesn't become a warlock. but i bet he will. i bet he won't. [ ding! ] [ rattling ] very funny, endora. i didn't do it. samantha? uh, no. n-neither did i. mother, can a warlock start that young? well, i never heard of it. but, of course, his heredity is exceptional. on your side, of course. i did it. it's my being-born present.

[ chuckles ] yes... ...and no. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com [laughs] yeah. ah! you're pretty good, you know that? what are you doing? who's winning? [grunts]