e e way glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

that reminds me, they gotta defrost. i better go get them. which way you going? the kitchen ain't that way. well, they ain't in our kitchen. they're in louise jefferson's kitchen. why? because i asked her to put the hot dogs in her freezer because ours was full. oh, now, edith, are we gonna have them footlongs for supper? sure! i'm going right away. oh, hi, gloria. i'll be right back. hi, gloria. how are you? hi, michael. hey, what's the matter? don't i get a kiss? uh, i've got on fresh lipstick. oh. did you get my library books? no, i didn't. what is this? i got no kiss. i got no books. got no brains. do you mind? gloria, what's the matter? nothing's the matter. nothing's the matter? you come in here. you ignore me to my face. you didn't bring my library books. you tell me there's nothing the matter? i think there's something the matter. nothing's the matter. if nothing's the matter, will you shut up over there?

this is between gloria and me. anything under my four walls is also between me. daddy, it's got nothing to do with you. gloria, don't you realize, without those books, i'm gonna look like an idiot in class? imagine the meathead worrying about that. i know you never worry about it. you want to start up with me, huh? yeah, i want to start right now. will you two stop it? it's bad enough it's like a jungle on the streets. do i have to come home to one? gloria, what is the matter with you? you're acting strange. you look different. hey, that's not your sweater. that's right, it's trudy's. it's also trudy's skirt. well, where are your own clothes? they got dirty. how did they get dirty? they got dirty from dirt. dirt makes clothes dirty. i mean, you don't expect them to get clean, do you? i expect a rational answer. that's what i expect. oh, for crying out loud, gloria, tell him how your clothes got dirty, huh? oh, will you stop hounding me? i ain't hounding you. gloria, what is going on? you're both hounding me! i'm not hounding you! i'm just-- i'm back! [arguing]

let's talk about something important, huh? did you get the footlong hot dogs? the jeffersons ain't home, but i left a note on their door. now, listen, edith, i got my mouth all set for them footlongs tonight. we gonna have them? if they read the note. what did you say in the note? i said, "emergency, we need hot dogs. p.s. please read fast." [groans] ma, ma, could i please see you in the kitchen? oh, sure, gloria. i hope louise jefferson reads that note. archie's gonna be awful mad if he don't get his footlong hot dogs. ma... ma, i have to talk to you. all right, i'm all ears. well, i can't start talking just like that! oh, all right. would you like some coffee? no, ma, thanks. this reminds me of the time

we used to talk a lot in the kitchen, remember? and i used to teach you how to make gingerbread men. ma... they're, uh... they're putting up a new apartment building where the old rialto theater was. the rialto. that's where archie and me saw the best years of our lives-- fredric march and myrna loy. ma, i... i was walking past the construction site today. yeah? whenever i walk past a construction site, i like to look through the peepholes in the fence to watch the men working. one time there was somebody on the other side, looking out.

well, i'm just talking until you're ready. well, i'm ready! well, all right, go ahead! well... i don't like walking by there because the workers are always whistling and making comments. so i told michael about it once, and he said, "don't walk by there anymore." well, it's saturday. nobody's working. so i thought i'd save myself a few steps, and then it happened. it happened so fa-- gloria, did i tell you mabel hefner bought a new sofa? it happened so fast... it's all green velvet... i didn't know what was happening. with little brass buttons on the corner. i didn't even see the man coming at me. he jumped out from behind. he grabbed me, and he pulled me behind the fence and he--

i don't understand this. i mean, gloria comes home. she doesn't want to kiss me. that never happened before. maybe she finally took a good look at you. you know, you're e most sensitive man i know. ah, come on. what's the big deal about a kiss, anyway? outside a couple of wet lips, what does it get you? you get to be my age, you'll learn that there's more to marriage than just kissing. like what? like making a living. michael, gloria is all right, so don't get upset when she tells you. upset? when she tells me what? gloria? honey, tell me, what's the matter? michael, a man grabbed me down at the construction site. you got mugged. mugged? who got mugged? she did. gloria got mugged? no, arch, glorie didn't get mugged.

no! who the hell got mugged? will you please stay out of this? i want to find out what's going on. no, i ain't gonna stay out of it. you say somebody got mugged. who got mugged? i thought gloria did. did you? gloria, what happened, honey? i was attacked. huh? you mean "attacked" attacked? yeah, and she was very lucky. what? what the hell is lucky about that? oh, no, i didn't mean-- i fainted. that's what was lucky. you, you fainted? yes, yes, and... and when i did he, he must have got scared and ran away because... well, maybe because he thought i was dead. i, i don't know. i was so frightened, you see, and, well, he dragged me behind the wood there,

well, he put a scarf or something in my mouth so that i couldn't scream and then i felt my clothes tearing and his hands on me, and then i passed out and when i came to, i-- he was gone. that's all right. that's all right. that's all right. [sobbing] you okay now? yes, michael, i'm okay. he didn't--? no, he didn't! okay, okay, okay. well, thank god for that. [doorbell buzzes] i'll get it. wait a minute, ma. i want to first go put my own clothes on, and... i'll come with you. ma, no matter who it is, please don't say anything about what happened. no, i won't. why is she afraid to say anything about it? i mean, as long as the guy didn't get her, she got nothing to be ashamed of. [doorbell buzz] go on with your daughter there. i'll answer the bell. yeah, hi, mr. bunker.

yeah, we just got home and read mrs. bunker's note. oh, yeah, well, where's the footlong hot dogs? well, see, mom was defrosting the freezer and she took them out, and wilma ate them. wilma? who's wilma? our dog. the dog ate a dozen footlong hot dogs? yeah, she's laying in the kitchen. she can't get up. lionel, what the hell are we going to have for supper here? well, mom felt real bad, so she said you cod have these tv dinners. oh, jeez, i wish wilma ate the tv dinners. oh, no, she won't touch ravioli. edith: archie, who was that at the door? oh, that was lionel. wilma the dog ate the footlong hot dogs i've been craving all day long. take these. thanks a lot, edith.

my supper is attacked by a neighbor's dog, my daughter's attacked walking the streets. what the hell am i sitting here for? let me call the cops. no, no, i don't think gloria wants to tell the police about it now. what do you mean, she don't want to tell the policebout it? that guy might still be lurking around the neighborhood

guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do you know him? c'mon donovan, do it like i taught ya. love the new tattoo, sara. let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new?

family, friends... see ya later, sara. even not-so-friendly people. thank you, mrs. stivic. that's a pretty good description of the guy. i got a hunch this is a person we know. there, edith, you hear what the officer says? maybe the police know this person. well, what happens now? well, they find him and arrest him, right? well, apprehending a suspect is one thing. convicting him is something else. let me tell you something: forty thousand arrests in this country for rape last year, and less than 10 percent convictions. well, this guy will make 11%. why don't we get more convictions?

now you take your case, for instance. lawyer gets you up on top of that witness stand, and he might ask you something like, um, do you often walk past that building site? no, michael told me not to. why? did he know you were seeing this man? i wasn't seeing him. i saw him for the first time today when he jumped me. oh, you saw this man today after your husband told you to stay away from the building site? well, it's saturday. i thought it'd be all right-- you didn't have to walk on that side of the street, did you? even a chicken can cross the road if he wants to get on the other side. hey, hey, that's very true. well, what about it? you didn't have to walk on that side of the street, did you? you don't have to make insinuations like that. listen, i ain't making insinuations. i'm just trying to tell you what these lawyers do. some of those guys do anything to get their clients off. that's how they earn a living. by sending rapists back onto the streets? that's right, and some of our judges and juries give them a little help too, you know. i was on a jury once, a murder trial.

the detective ain't interested in no ren-emiscences of yours. go make coffee, huh? oh, sure, archie. excuse me. officer, what other questions might a lawyer ask gloria? well, like, do you go out with other men? no. you don't have no men friends? that's not what you asked me. of course i have some men friends. what's wrong with that? most of them are my friends too. oh, like who? oh, like, guys from school-- lionel, szabo. szabo? oh, forget szabo, he don't count. he's only a hungarian. the guy is a painter. a housepainter? oh, no, he don't paint that good. he's a portrait painter. gloria posed for him. posed for him, huh, gloria? yes. oh, now, come on, let's not get into this, huh? daddy, there's nothing wrong with what i did. i posed for szabo in the nude. oh, shush! oh, you're a nude model, huh, gloria?

i posed for szabo because he's our friend. sure, sure, sure. you were just being friendly. i'd say being nude, alone in a studio with a painter was being very, very friendly. were you being friendly when you passed that building site? what do you think you're trying to do? i'm just trying to show your wife what to expect when she gets on that witness stand. yeah, that's all. and wait till you see what the da says to the rape guy when he gets him on the witness stand, right? wrong. the accused is not required to appear on the stand. i don't believe it. but the victim, she has to take the stand! this is like a nightmare. [doorbell buzzes] i'll get that. oh, you got some visitors. no, no, stay right where you are. i'll get rid of them. oh, hi there, jefferson. hi, bunker. uh, jefferson, look, uh, we got something important going here, so do you mind? oh, that's all right. i won't take long. i'll just be in and out. let's have the last part first, huh? [laughs] ah, bunker, bunker, you got a great sense of humor for a white man. look, my sister is very upset over the tragedy that your hot dogs suffered

so if you'll just tell me where to go... oh... for the hot dogs, i mean... i'll be very glad to buy you a whole new batch of footlongs. footlong hot dogs? no kidding. say, i haven't tasted them in years. where do you get them? oh, the only place around here is hinklemeyer's, over on northern boulevard. wait a minute, let me get this down. hinklemeyer's, northern boulevard. can we forget the damn hot dogs? what's the matter with you? the man likes the hot dogs. hey, listen, i'll tell you what i'll do: i'll drop the hot dogs off on my way back. wait, would you mind getting me some too? that's a five-dollar bill i give you there. how many do you want? just get me a couple of feet, unless they're cheaper by the yard. [officer and charlie laugh] i feel like the straight man in a white minstrel show. what's the matter with that guy? oh, don't pay no attention to him. he's one of them colored guys

to make fun of us regular people. listen, tell us, what else goes on in the courtroom? wait a minute. i don't think i want to go on with this. once you get into court, you'll have no choice. they're gonna ask you questions like, "what clothes were you wearing when you enticed that poor guy on the building site?" entice? i didn't entice-- were you wearing a tight sweater? no. mini-skirt? it was short, but it's not a mini. you get a kick out of guys whistling at you? no. you enjoy egging them on? no! like today? no! yes, you do. no! no! all right. all right, that's enough. that's enough. gloria-- just leave me alone, michael! look, i know you're trying to help, but don't you think you came down on her a little too hard? ma, i don't think i can go through with all those questions in court. gloria, all day today i've been smelling rockaway beach. what? i remember lots of things through the smell. archie used to say, "edith, your memory's in your nose and the rest of your brain is in your little finger." ma, what about rockaway beach?

with a couple of wrong numbers that elsie argyle got to know from working the switchboard. oh, at first it was kind of fun. one of the boys could bend his thumbs all the way back until they touched his wrists. elsie got him. ma, i know you're trying to make a point here somewhere. sit down, gloria. me and my date was coming out of the penny arcade where we'd been playing the pinball machines, and he took me aside and he said, "how'd you like a malted under the boardwalk?" a little voice inside of me said, "no!" but on the outside i said, "okay." oh, ma. well, i don't have to tell you

just a wrong number, grabbing at me and pushing me down. just like what happened to me today. yeah, only with sand. ma, what happened? he didn't-- oh, no. i ran from him like crazy. but how did you get away from him? well, my father taught me two things. one was, never order hamburger in a drug store and the other was something about knees. oh, ma. gloria, i never told no one about this before, because in my time, we was too scared to talk open.

because over the years, i've often wondered how many other girls that man got under the boardwalk... and how many didn't get away. detective: listen, who knows with juries? sometimes they take a look at a cute dame like your wife and figure she asked for it. maybe they're right. what do you mean, "maybe they're right"? i mean, a smart lawyer is going to do everything he can to make her look bad. take that posing in the nude your wife done. now, you tell me that's all right. maybe it is. but that's all a smart lawyer got to hear. hear that, meathead? that's your fault. you let her go bare in front of that hungarian. you want that to come out in court? you want to put your wife through that? of course not, but what alternatives do we have? we don't need no what-do-you-call, alternative. all we need is something else to do. michael. gloria, look. no, uh, michael, i have to tell you something. i've decided to do whatever i have to do to catch that man.

good? everything you've said has gone against taking this thing into court. wait a minute, i never said that. you just asked me what was going to happen to her in court, and i told you. now if you're asking me what to do as a police officer, i say make the complaint and follow through with it all the way. well, we're going to. no, no, no, we're not going to. that's right, we're not going to. well, what about all this talk to me about my duty to the community? listen, little girl-- will you just stay out of this? let me handle it. ask her about her duty to herself. ask her about her duty to her family. ask her if she wants to be in the papers. will you please--? talk, then! gloria, i don't want you getting up on that witness stand and getting smeared like you were some kind of a tramp. yeah, you want to look like some kind of a tramp? archie, please! look, are you reporting it or not? no, no, we're not reporting it. thank you very much, officer. but, michael, i-- gloria! i know what's best for my wife. look, i ain't got all day here. we ain't going to report it there, officer. i want to thank you for coming over so fast. okay. there is one other thing. yeah? you know that colored guy that was here before? yeah. you know him pretty good?

is he really coming back with those footlong hot dogs? yeah, he'll be back with them okay. you know, i gave him five bucks. oh, no, don't worry about that. he's one of the good ones. oh, good. have him drop them over at the precinct for me, will you? hey, i'll drop them off there myself. thanks a million. thanks for coming. michael... michael, are you sure we're doing the right thing? no, i'm not sure we're doing the right thing, gloria. i don't know what the right thing is. i know i'm trying to do the right thing for you! you should have heard some of the things that guy said. some of those things will make your flesh stand on end. but daddy, that maniac is still out there on the streets somewhere, and so are a lot of innocent girls! what about them? let them bring him into court if they want to! i ain't responsible for all the girls in new york. gloria, all i care about is you. that's right, and that's what he should, care about his own wife. and the women under his roof. all right, arch. i said it, okay? well, i want to say it again. it's everybody for himself in this world.

"you're on your own." don't expect... don't expect nothing from nobody, especially the government. you should sit down and ask yourself, "what can i do for myself?" and find out what you can do for yourself, go out and do it for yourself. the more people done that, this be a better country in which to live in. do for your own, take care of your own. that's the rule. that's what we done here today.

[ ] announcer: all in the family was recorded on tape

boy, the way glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

hidey-ho, everybody! hello, archie. how was your day?

oh, did something good happen? no, edith, i mean, nothing good happened. i mean, this is new york. if nothing bad happens, it's a great day, right? like i got on the subway this morning, and... it went. then the second miracle of the day was when the oil from your tuna fish sandwich didn't leak through onto my twinkies. then to top off the whole day, i won a buck bet from stretch cunningham. how did you do that? wait till you hear. we was all sitting around at lunchtime talking, see, and i says to stretch, "hey, i was watching a bowling tournament. i see a guy, he bowled 301." stretch says, "that can't be." i says, "oh, no? you wanna bet? put your money where your mouth is." so the dumb sucker bets me a buck. he hollers, "hey, arch, you lost. "in bowling, 300 is a perfect game. how could a guy bowl 301?" i says, "did you ever see a guy bowl 300 and lose?" you get it, huh? oh, yeah.

no, no, no, edith, y-y-you-- you can only bowl 300, see? then you didn't tell stretch the truth, because you said the man bowled 301. no, i didn't mean "one" one. i meant him, the guy, won. then why didn't you explain that to stretch? because then he wouldn't have bet with me, edith. you see, in bowling, you got 10 frames there. see, i mean, you're supposed to get a certain... each frame you get a... i mean, if you get 30 from each frame... ah, forget it! you don't understand bowling. no, arch, what she doesn't understand is larceny. was i talking to you? edith, what's for supper? oh, something special. it's gloria's birthday. it's gloria's birthday again? that's right, arch.

i still ain't talking to you. just think, archie, our little girl is 23 years old. it just seems like yesterday when i was changing her diaper. do you remember how you used to play peek-a-boo with gloria? oh, oh, forget that, huh? oh, mike, gloria just loved that game. she used to make archie play it with her all the time. do we have to get into this? archie used to crawl around on his hands and knees, and then he'd come up from under the crib and say, "peek-a-boo, i see you." [laughing] and gloria would laugh and laugh. wasn't you on your way to the kitchen? oh! oh, don't tell gloria anything about her birthday. i wanna surprise her.

"peek-a-boo, i see you"? somehow i just can't picture you doing that. well, try picturing this... [blows raspberry] hi, everybody. oh, hi, gloria. how are you? hmm. you look a little down. you have a rough day today? no, but i got a rotten headache. it's that time of the month again. oh, hey, hey, hey there, little girl, huh? try talking delicate in front of your father. oh, hi, gloria. hi, ma. mike, would you clear your books off the table? sure, ma. gloria, maybe you ought to lie down for a while. no, i'll just sit here. what's the matter? nothing serious, ma. just that time of the month. hey, do i have to hear about this? oh, daddy, it's a normal human function.

gloria, maybe your father would rather hear, "it's mother nature come to call." all right, if you got to talk about it, that would be a little nicer, more ladylike, yeah. well, why do i have to be ladylike? i mean, what's there to be ashamed of? would you believe there's a girl who works with me who says, "i just got a visit from my friend"? all right, that's kind of nice too. oh, remember mrs. carmody, the one who had 11 children? she used to call it "the blessing." now, that is enough of this!

you don't hear men complaining about their problems, do you? that's because men don't have any problems compared to women. and that's god's will, so forget it. you mean god's mistake. hey, hey. hey, god don't make no mistakes. that's how he got to be god. don't be blaming nothing on god that youse women brung on yourselves. what? yes, that's right! you don't believe me, read your bible. read your story of adam and eve there. i mean, adam and eve, they had it pretty soft out in paradise. they had no problems. they didn't even know they was naked. but eve, she wasn't satisfied with that, see? and then one day, against direct orders, she made poor adam eat that apple. god got sore. he told them, "get your clothes on and get the hell out of here." that's why that eve was cursed, and that's why they call it... what do you call it?

well, there you have it, gloria, direct from the reverend archie bunker: the true story of menstruation. shush... with that kind of a word! oh, daddy, there's nothing wrong with that word. you know something? it's your kind of male chauvinist thinking that's made women feel guilty for thousands of years. what are you talking about? i'm the kind of a guy that always looked up to women. i always put them up there on a puh-destal. well, we don't want to be up on a "puh-destal." we want to be treated like equals. you can't be treated like equals because you ain't. you're the weaker sex, and we got to protect you and learn youse things. he just proved everything germaine greer said. i don't even know the guy. who is he? arch, germaine greer is a woman, and she wrote a book on women's rights. it's called the female eunuch. ah, there ain't no such thing as that. oh, yes, there is. that's what men have made of women. there can't be no such thing as a female eunuch,

you ain't got that in the first place. arch, germaine greer was just using the term figuratively. she meant that women have been mentally castrated. shush! what are you shushing me for now? he's upset because you used the word "castrated." if you know the word upsets me, why are you using it again? oh, daddy, anything about sex upsets you because you're narrow-minded and puritanical! hey, watch that! and what's more, you're just plain stupid! do you hear the way you are talking to your father? gloria, can i see you in the kitchen? all right, ma, but i meant every single word i said. oh, no, she didn't. yes, i did. why don't you two sit down... [whispers] and get ready for the cake. gloria, i don't think you should talk to your father that way. i know you ain't feeling good, but he's your father. yeah, but that doesn't make him right and when he's wrong, i'm going to tell him so. but you didn't tell him he was wrong, you told him he was stupid.

oh, gloria, you ought to have more respect for your father. ma, didn't you hear the things he was saying about women out there? and that includes me... and you too, ma! but that ain't no way to argue. i get mad at your father lots of times, but i don't call him stupid. i know. you don't do anything. oh, yes, i do. what? i come into the kitchen and i make myself a cup of tea. well, what good does that do? well, i go back in, and archie forgot what we was arguing about, so i won, only he don't know it. ma, you're just giving in to him. not really. yes, you are! daddy always gets his way! not always. oh, ma, you let him walk all over you. he's turned you into a doormat! [gasps] a doormat?!

your whole life revolves around daddy. that ain't true! ma, you ain't got a life of your own. gloria, i do... ma, marriage is supposed to be a partnership. well, you're not a half, not even a quarter. you're a nothing, a zero! gloria! and even if you stood up to him 10 times as much as you do, 10 times nothing is still nothing! what's going on out there? where's dinner? is that all you ever think about, dinner? when i'm sitting at the dinner table, yeah, i think about dinner! now, go ask your mother where it is. no, i'm not going in there again. gloria, are you all right? yes. well, i heard a joke today. would anybody else care to hear it? uh, yeah, yeah. i'd like to hear it. i love a good joke. all right, this here scotchman, he invites a pal of his to dinner.

"ring the bell with your elbow and i'll answer the door for you." the guy says, "why i got to ring the bell with my elbow?" the scotchman says, "you ain't coming empty-handed, are you?" [laughs] [forces laughter] ha... ha. nothing from you, huh? the meathead laughed. i don't think he even got it. hey, oh! look what's coming here! oh, happy birthday! surprise! here we are, here we are. happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday, dear gloria happy birthday to you oh, ma...

u had a chat with your daughter, what'd you tabout? what time will you be home? who's driving? and who are you going with? be true to yourself baby. are those my shoes? get your homework done first. i am so proud of you. here's something else i'm discussing with my daughters. it's the connection between cervical cancer and some types of hpv, the human papillomavirus. a virus that causes cervical in thousands of american women each year. and if you're african-american, you may be at higher risk. the good news is that cervical cancer can be prevented through screening. even if they don't ways admit it, our daughters are depending on us. to learn more about the connection between cervicalanr and hpv, talk to your doctor and sit make the connection dot org. make the connection is public education campaign sponsored by the cancer research and prevention foundation and the step up women's network.

make the connection.

[sighs dramatically] hey, edith... not now, archie. i ain't in the mood. for what? for nothing. go back to sleep. how can i sleep with all the noise you're making here? you're heaving enough sighs to blow up an inner tube. i'm sorry, archie, but i just can't sleep. well, why don't you get it off your chest? what happened between you and gloria? i can't talk about it, archie.

to help you with the problem? oh, yeah. [gently] well, then just tell me what the problem is. [rudely] i'll tell you "forget it," and we'll both go to sleep! i don't understand you. why can't you tell me? i mean, isn't that what a husband's for, to talk things over with? a husband's also for shutting up when his wife doesn't feel like talking. i'm gonna ignore that last remark, because i know you only said it because you're not feeling well and you really didn't mean it. oh, shut up, michael. now, that one you meant. that "shut up" i didn't like at all, gloria, and we're gonna get to the bottom of this. we're not going to sleep. you tell me why you got into a fight with your mother! because i love her. what? i felt i had to tell her the truth about herself. oh, and because of that, now she's not speaking to you? [mocking michael] yes. oh, come on, gloria. what are you trying to tell me? i know your mother. i've been living with her for over two years. she's a marvelous woman. are you saying i'm not? no, no, i'm not saying that, but, uh... [mocking michael] "but, uh" what? but, uh...

but you're not like your mother. well, thank god for that. you're like your father. what? gloria, you have a very, very quick temper. sometimes you're given to some very nasty remarks. okay, michael, so you don't like the way i talk. what else don't you like about me? nothing, nothing. some of your nasty remarks are very cute. oh, ho... okay... i got a nasty temper. what else is wrong with me? gloria, this is no time to stand here and make a list of all your faults. oh! i got so many faults you can't list them, huh? i must be a real mess. is that what you're saying, michael? is that what you're saying? [bellowing] will you calm down? you'll wake up the whole house! archie, i don't think you should listen like that. this is the best way. you can hear better through a glass. i mean, what they're saying is private.

but anything that leaks through my wall into my room, i can listen to. i was right. i was right. when you talk like that, you're just as boneheaded as your father! hey! i heard that! hey, you stop listening in there! what was that? i said, "stop listening!" [screams] archie, does it hurt? certainly it hurts! serves you right for listening. you can stop listening now. the fight is over. the fight might be over between you and him, but not between him and me. how dares he call me a bonehead? and how did you hear that? did you have your hot little ear pressed against the wall? no! he listened with this glass. give me that. well, i have one final thing to say to you. get away from me. [yelling] good night!

excuse me. you! you! what? what? [screams] he made more sense when he was coming through the glass. all right, gloria, get off the couch and come back upstairs. let's go. leave me alone. gloria, i'm in no mood for games. i'm your husband. get off the couch and come back upstairs. get lost. all right. all right. i can see you're acting like a child. that's right, you're acting like a child. i'm not acting like a child! i'm going to have to treat you like one. you're coming back upstairs. let's go! oh, archie, look, it's all right. they made up. you hit me! oh, michael... you hit me across the face. oh, i didn't mean... you hit me! you hit me! did you see that?

stop it, daddy. michael, are you all right? no, no, i'm not all right! i'm not all right! a person who gets hit across the face is never all right! you hit me! stop saying that! what do you want me to say, gloria? "thank you very much," and then turn the other cheek? yeah, go ahead. i'd love to see a replay. will you stay out of this! mike, would you like me to get you a cold towel for your face? [laughing] you see that? there's the difference between you and your mother, gloria. you hit me, and she worries about me. oh, michael, stop being such a crybaby. i didn't hit you that hard. that's not the point, gloria. that's not the point at all! ma, let me ask you a question. did you ever hit archie? oh, no! oh, you're damn right she didn't. yeah, you see that? she never hit your father. and if anyone ever deserved to be hit... hey, hey, hey, hey! i felt like hitting him once... when you lost your whole paycheck in that poker game. yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, but you didn't. oh, i couldn't hit you while you was crying. aw!

that's because you was drunk. aw! lay off, will you? them things are supposed to be private. that's a strange word coming from a man who just had a glass in his ear. come on, let's get this over with, huh? why don't you two make up? ask him. well, you're willing to make up? fine, i forgive you! oh, thank you, michael. i'm sleeping on the couch. what is the matter with you now? i said i forgive you! you forgive me? you pick me up like a child and drag me upstairs against my will, and you forgive me? gloria, if you understood one iota about the psychology of the male ego... don't you talk down to me! i'm not talking down to you, you're just being stupid! oh, now i'm being stupid, huh? but i'm smart enough to bring home the paycheck. oh! oh, that's a great shot! she got him there! oh! oh! there it is. there it is! now it's out in the open, isn't it? that's what's really bugging you, isn't it? you want to be the man of the family.

all right, let's go all the way. take my pants! leave them pants on! well, i didn't say that. i didn't say anything like that. here come the pants! [edith squeals] hey, hey, hey, hey! michael, what are you so uptight about? are you afraid you lost your pants already? if they're lost, i didn't lose them. you took 'em! and what kind of a man lets his pants be taken away from him? oh, are you saying what i think you're trying to say? i'm trying to find out exactly what you're trying to say! i'm saying take my pants! i don't want 'em! i say stop it! you two sit over there. go on. sit down and listen to your mother. and you listen too. [grumbling] all right. well, hurry up, will you? i'm tired. now... when i was a little girl, my mother and father got into a terrible fight that started just because there wasn't enough maple syrup for my father's pancakes. ma, what we're arguing about here is a little bit more important than maple syrup.

they didn't talk to each other for three whole weeks, and even after they made up, things was never the same between them. so before you two start saying things to each other that you'll never take back, stop and think how much you really mean to each other. now, i know maple syrup is just a little thing, but would you rather break up over something bigger? gloria... michael... i'm sorry. i'm sorry. wanna go upstairs? yeah. ma... i'm sorry i called you a nothing. you're really something.

happy birthday. oh... thank you, ma. good night. archie, did you hear that? yeah, yeah, yeah. do you think i'm something? you, edith, are something else.

hello. i'm jerry mathers. i was the beaver in "leave it to beaver." a few years later, i was a type 2 diabetic. but i'm not anymore. diabetes causes neuropathy, blindness, and amputation. at its worst, it can kill you. today i want you to have a look at an amazing breakthrough that has stopped diabetes in its tracks for over 200,000 people just like you and me. now you can do the same thing, because it's all spelled out in a very special system called the diabetes solution kit. i urge you to try this all-natural, done-for-you program so you can finally live independent

i'm jerry mathers, and if i can do it, you can do it, too.