[ theme music ] >> here's johnny! [ cheers and applause ]

>> hello! [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you very much. isn't that nice? oh, thank you. you are really good. why don't you vote yourself a pay raise. this is a good crowd. [ laughter ] >> you are in a good mood tonight. we have got a good show. i'm -- by the way i'm johnny carson and i start with geraldo rivera leaves off. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> by the way if it will help the ratings this month, i'm nude under these clothes. [ laughter ] >> could you leave it? today was the day -- did you ever think the day would come when we would plug geraldo rivera on this show. he did his famous nude show today. how many of you saw it? nobody saw the show.

they showed nudist volleyball. nude swimming, and nude fishing. [ laughter ] >> nude fishing. [ laughter ] >> that's -- that puts a whole new twist to the phrase that's a keeper. [ laughter ] >> and at the end of the show, geraldo rivera took off his clothes, and if you missed it, it was a lot like seeing his al capone show. there was nothing there to see. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> we'll hear from geraldo. phil donohue said, he said you won't catch me resorting to things like that for ratings. then phil did that interview -- he had the siamese twin hookers on today. [ laughter ] >> weird stuff. we will not lower ourselves to

standards are already there. [ laughter ] >> how many of you know it's groundhog day today? [ applause ] >> yeah, i guess the most famous groundhog is punxsutawney phil. [ applause ] >> in los angeles. it's a little bit different. if the ground hog sees his shadow. it means another six weeks of this brutal 72 degrees weather. and in west hollywood today, the groundhog came out of his hole, saw another ground hog, invited him underground for a decaf espresso. [ laughter ] >> were any of you out at the coast last night? did you feel the earthquake? yeah, i live at malibu. they had another one last night. about a 3.6 earthquake. and people were pretty unhappy, except for madonna and sean penn. they live out there, and they are splitting up. and the earthquake divided

[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> have you heard president bush on television lately? he has got a terrible cold and it's getting worse. today he ordered mentholated pork rinds. [ laughter ] >> apparently bush knew he was coming down with something, he had a stuffy head and could only see 600 points of light. [ laughter ] >> where did that did that come from you and peter? thank you peter. the staff knows how to suck up. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> he has only been president what 15 days. and literally today he could not speak, and he was using hand signals to communicate. when he held up three fingers,

if he held up two fingers, it meant i'll consider it. and if he held up one finger, it meant look, everybody, i'm a bull. [ laughter ] >> i knew that wasn't going to work, but i was into it and couldn't get out. when dramatizing a joke, you go with it. you don't hear much about our former president. eight years you are the most powerful leader in the entire world, and all of a sudden you are a private citizen. yesterday, i understand just out of habit, he had a red phone installed with a direct line to domino's pizza. [ laughter ] >> the former president walked out and his five gardners played hail to the chief on

>> how many of you know who diane sawyer is? [ applause ] >> she is leaving cbs, i guess to go to abc. now their biggest sex symbol left is andy rooney. andy said did you ever notice how this network is falling apart, how is that? [ laughter ] >> when you are really working you go for choreographed jokes or impressions. [ laughter ] >> dancing is next, folks. [ applause ] >> how many of you are a little bit upset that congress is thinking of voting itself a 50% pay raise. [ cheers and applause ] >> you see, it's a thing -- congress thought the public was for it, because they are getting a lot of telegrams

[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> man, can you imagine after the job they have done, they want a raise that's what they called hoots bah. that's like libyan pilots believing that floating in the ocean entitles them to bonus mileage. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ music ] [ cheers and applause ] >> okay. okay. i guess after the next joke, i'm down to flashing. [ laughter ] >> geraldo has set some

dan quail, our vice president left today on a tour of latin america. he is visiting all of the countries there friendly to the united states. he'll be back this afternoon. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> hey, we got a good show, jay leno is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> i can see him back there saying boy, he is fighting for his life isn't he? other comedians sit back and go, gee that's too bad. jay is here. a youngster, one of the stars of the wonder years, his name is fred savage, fred is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> and you like magic? [ applause ] >> good! what are they going to say? they got in for nothing. no, we don't like magic, and we're leaving, where are you going to go?

a very talented magician is here, brian gillis. we'll be right back.

[ music ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] [ laughter ] >> you didn't feel the earthquake? >> i did not feel it. >> a pretty good jolt. i guess about 3.5. about five or six seconds, but things were moving. they keep saying the big one is coming, and what drives people nuts out here. they say when can this happen? well, we figure it could be

the next 50 years. [ laughter ] >> you want to stand in the doorway until you are 106 waiting for this thing to happen? [ laughter ] >> this came to us, it's a kind of spooky. bobby from texas, and donna corely, donna corely wrote to the houston post to point out the impressionist painter died in 1926, and here is a blowup of the stamp, and she thought it looked like somebody familiar. >> sure it. [ laughter ] >> is that weird? now look at that. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> that's funny. oh. >> i have no jokes for this, but she passed away about the year i was born. i was painting all of this time and didn't know it. spooky.

>> i should tell you who is on tonight. jay leno is here, fred savage, magician brian gillis. of all of the commercials you have seen what is the most memorable. they gave the slogans with the names of the products missing. and then they had to fill in the product. slogan with the highest recognition name was please don't squeeze -- >> charmin. >> isn't that amazing? but companies, folks, this is what we call the setup. [ laughter ] >> the comedy to ensue. >> we hope. [ laughter ] >> if everything works out right. >> that's right. most people don't know this, and

[ laughter ] >> most companies don't hit on the exact slogan the very first time. they experiment, and it doesn't work, and some other company picks it up. nbc has had a few slogans. proud as a peacock. >> right. >> the next year was our pride is showing. [ laughter ] >> those are those little promos they use on nbc. just watch us now. >> yep. >> remember three years ago, be there. >> be there. >> yeah. and the next year it was we were there, where were you. [ laughter ] >> then they went to let's all be there. last year it was come home to nbc. >> right. >> and this year -- i bet you don't even know it. come home something. >> come home to the best. all righty, it's a little known fact -- [ laughter ] >> when an ad agency comes up

around until they find the right buyer. some of the slogans used were rejected by other advertisers. so i'm going to try some of these out on you, and then i'll tell you what the original -- >> being an announcer, i should know these. >> that's right. that's right. [ laughter ] >> i'll give you some well-known slogans and then you try to guess -- >> okay. >> do you think i'm over setting this up? >> you are laying it on a little thick. >> all right. snatch crackle and pop. >> that's easy rice crispy. >> no it was used before by roseanne barr's celebrity pantyhose. [ laughter ] >> snap crackle and pop and then they gave it to -- [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> let's try another one of these.

in this in a moment. you may have to dig deeply. all of my men wear it or they wear nothing at all. >> english leather. >> no, ready whip. [ laughter ] >> here is one, make a run for the border. >> taco bell. >> no, the los angeles busboy's union. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> the quicker picker upper. >> that's easy, bounty towels. >> no. >> no? >> no. >> i haven't got one right yet. >> and don't. now they are going to forget the set up. the quicker picker upper. >> bounty towels. >> no gary hart's campaign slogan. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> this one i wouldn't have known, plop plop fizz fizz. >> alka-seltzer. >> no a recruiting slogan for the libyan air force.

[ applause ] >> so good you'll want a second cup. >> that's yuban coffee. >> no, not originally. in that was the cross your heart bra originally had that. [ laughter ] >> how about no more tears. >> johnson's baby shampoo. >> no, that's the new jim and tammy show. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> they are back on. did you know they are back on? >> yeah. >> they are back on broadcasting from some friend's house. how about cleans like a white tornado. >> ajax cleaners. >> metamucil. [ laughter ] >> we're everywhere you want to be. >> eastern airlines. >> close.

[ laughter ] >> oh. >> why fool around with anyone else? now think of that. that's rather new. >> that's -- wait a minute now. federal express. >> no the jimmy swagart ministries. [ laughter ] >> what was that, fred? >> i think ed is stupid, he hasn't gotten one of them right. [ laughter ] >> here is one, takes the worry out of being close. >> ban deodorant. >> smith and wesson. [ laughter ] >> that was a bad one to finish on. should we try one more? >> sure. >> we have just one more. [ applause ]

audience that couldn't get in. where is the beef? >> wendy's? >> no, that's today's episode of geraldo. [ laughter ] [ applause ]

with jay leno. to help preserve our environment. i got involved. i boosted tourism in my farm community by by painting 55 barn quilts. i got involved. i enjoy gardening and love delivering a fresh supply of

i got involved. young volunteers have a winning spirit that we think middle and high school students: ask your school principal about applying for a prudential spirit of community award. volunteer! [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> hold it. okay. okay, folks. of jay leno. the, first time he was on this show, he cracked me up, and of course he guest hosts here on monday night and the time i'm off. jay is going to be in columbus, ohio, february 17th, and on february 6th, he'll be back here sitting at this desk, which will be kind of crowded, but i think i'm on that night. no, not true. would you welcome jay leno.

[ music ] >> tough crowd. [ laughter ] >> that was very funny when you said about the comics watching -- >> is that not true. what is your reaction when you go to see somebody. >> it is true. it's like nature. you ever see a group of animals and one animal is injured and all of the other animals come over and try to eat it. [ laughter ] >> that's the nice thing about show people, they have the same instinct, he is down, get him. >> i have seen some comedians sit there like -- boy, that's pretty good. >> it's kind of fun if you see somebody who is not really bombing, but they have that great joke and it doesn't work as well, and you needle them. it's not fun to see somebody go down the tubes -- well, maybe it's fun once in a while.

of your first appearance. >> oh, yeah, the blackmail tape. >> yeah. you were wearing a suit at that time. you looked like an italian elf. >> i borrowed it from your wife -- i had no suit. >> literally didn't have a suit, couldn't afford one. now you look real nice. >> things are going good. >> i don't want to get too personal, but how do you spending your money? >> i actually bought a brand new cadillac. >> you are kidding? >> yeah. it was fun. cadillac salesmen are different. he said we have two interiors, the regular interior or the interior of the elegance. [ laughter ] >> actually -- actually i got my dad a new car. i did something to my dad when i was 16. i'm a big car

>> yeah. >> when i was 16 years old, my dad is not really a car guy. we would buy the ford galaxy, the four-door. and i remember i was 16 years old, and i'm just waiting to get my license, and it's the longest year of your life. we went to buy a car, and i remember saying can i help pick the car. and my father said we're just getting a basic car. and my mother said he is getting older, let me pick something. so my father said i just want a galaxy. and i said dad can i ask the guy about the engine and stuff. and he said fine. fine. i sit down and i said we want the 475, duel quads, the muffler delete package. i had the prom that year,

[ laughter ] >> so my father comes in, and i got the thing checked off. 425 horse isn't that a lot -- well, dad there's four of us, we're going to be going uphills. [ laughter ] >> so about eight weeks later the car comes in. and my father, oh, it looks beautiful. where are the hubcaps. those are the racing wheels. my father got in the car and turned the key, hum ga! and my father said there's a no muffler, and he guy said that's what your ordered. and he puts the car in gear, steps on the gas -- goes tearing out of the room. he didn't speak to me for about a week, but about a month later, i see on his desk a speeding ticket, 110 miles an hour.

[ applause ] >> made out to -- >> made out to him. >> to him. oh, that's marvelous. your dad was conservative. my dad was conservative. >> my dad was always every product we ever bought fill out the warranty card, make a copy for our files. in a case there's a fire. 1968 i'm a senior in high school. a saturday afternoon, and my dad said i need to get a new toilet seat, let's go to the hardware store. he says i want the best toilet seat, so the guy sells us an american standard with a 20-year guarantee. i'm home in july. all right. i go into my parents bathroom, i'm using the john,

it breaks at the hinge. i said dad the toilet seat broke. what do you mean it broke? i have a 20-year guarantee on that thing. he comes out with a piece of paper it looks like the magna carta, it is written in long hand, the year of our lord, 1900 -- [ laughter ] >> he said i didn't hang on to this for 20 years -- i'm carrying this rotted toilet seat down main street, and people are just getting out of my way. is mr. harrington here? he died in '75. his son comes out. and he says i want a new one. my dad shows him the warranty, 92 days left on the warranty. the guy had to honor it, gave us another toilet seat good to the year 2008. my father puts it in my name. this is my inheritance. it goes to me.

[ applause ] >> that is marvelous. we're going to come back and fine out if you have picked up any of your dad's traits.

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to discover your personalized, proven solution, call or go online now. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> oh, yeah. playing a toe-tapping song. you were talking about your folks, it's true, though, as you get older you find yourself with all of the silly things you talk about your folks doing, picking up on those traits and doing it yourself. >> i'm turning into my dad. i can't believe i did this the other day. i'm sitting in traffic on hollywood boulevard. this girl walks across the street, 17, 18, tight mini skirt, bare mid-drift, and i actually said how did she get out of the house

i sound like my father? [ laughter ] >> i should be staring at her rear end, i say how did she get out of the house dressed like that. >> it happens. >> it happens. >> now you are playing good clubs. you have your choice of where you work, but in the early years, comics play a lot of strange places -- >> they didn't have comedy clubs when i started, so i mostly worked strip clubs, which was okay. the strangest place -- i worked at a place called the mine shaft. and you paid five bucks to get in, and for another five bucks you got a hat with a light on it. [ laughter ] >> now there were no lights in the club. there was no spotlight, so the guys would just stare at the girls with the hats, and you could look at whatever part of the girl you wanted to look at, and i would be standing in