- goodnight. - goodnight. (applause) - [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show were - all right, you men. we are here in a french port. - right. - we are here for one reason and one reason alone. and it's not for the reason you're thinking. i have been ordered to attend a top-level staff meeting because i know the navy. and i know how the navy operates. i also know how you pirates operate! so, you're confined to your boat. - confined to the boat? you can't do that, captain. my men deserve a liberty. - oh, knock it off, mchale, the only reason i came on this garbage cow was because it was the only boat available.

i will be back in 6 hours. exactly 1400. in the mean time, you can occupy yourselves scrubbing that tub, and that's an order. - yes, sir. - what a dirty deal. - that no good fink. he can't do this to us. - after 14 months of fighting with the japanese you'd think they'd give us a couple of hours off to wrestle with the french. - oh, sir, i already had my new target for the night lined up, my pen pal fifi. what a bum break. - some navy. hey, skip, where do you go to resign? - all right, all right, cool it, will ya? - yeah, the skipper's right. you can't disobey a direct order. - that's correct. when an officer of the navy gives you an order, you don't question it, you obey it. now, binghamton gave me an order. and i'm going to give you swabs one. commencing right now you got 3 hours liberty. now get out of here and stay out of trouble. - skip, you can't do that. [cheers]

[laughter] - come on, you guys. have a heart, you guys, i haven't got time to have a drink. my pen pal fifi is waiting. - so, let her wait. you got to have a drink with your buddies. - ah, let him go. any trader that would rather be with girls can leave. - well, hello there. - viva la france. [indistinct] - fifi, here i come. - hey, come on back, you guys. - let them go, christy, baby, i'll dig us up a couple of girls. - yeah...4 queens. - girls. - i see you have a deck of cards. perhaps we could while away a few hours with a game of cards, eh? - bonjour, bonjour, porque not? how about a few hands of poker? - poker, what is that? - you've never played... [french accent] poker? - no. - a le vu a seat. oh, you'll love it.

- now... - hey, chuck, we got 3 hours until the boys get back. what do you feel like doing? - oh, i don't know, skip. what do you feel like doing? - oh, i don't know, but you name it and i'll do it. so, what do you feel like doing? - oh, i don't know. what do you feel like doing? - i don't know. what do you feel like doing? - i don't know. - well, one of us has got to think of something. - yeah, hey, i got an idea. why don't we give each other haircuts? - oh, i've had enough of this. look, i'm going to go ashore. i'm worried about the boys and a little checking won't hurt. i'll see ya. - ok, skip. you go ahead, i'll stay here. - ha ha ha. i've got 3 queens. - is that good?

full house. - a full medal? does that beat 2 pair? - i'm afraid so, mon a me. - 2 pair of aces? - 2 pair of aces? - ha ha ha. don't tell me, i have won. this is what must be how you say, beginner's luck, huh? ha ha ha. this is good. - ah, frenchy, you old buzzard, you're still dealing from the bottom of the deck, huh? - ho ho ho, mchale, mchale. - on with all that kissing, will ya? - hey, skip, you know this loving crook? - yeah, yeah, big french and i are old friends. - the best. i give my shirt off my back to my friend mchale. - sure, sure, because it's usually my shirt. will ya? this character and i shipped out together before the war, ha ha. but i got to admit though, we really shook up the 7 seas. ha ha ha.

- mchale, these are your boys? - yeah, they're part of my p.t. boat crew. - p.t. oh, i am so sorry, gentlemen, all bets are off, i did not know you were friends of mchale's. i only take money from strangers, mchale? - all right, all right. - i ask all the questions that rest on my brain. - ha ha ha ha. - bon a me? this p.t. boat you have it with you on the island? - yeah, it's tied up...yeah. and get that look out of your eyes. the last time you looked at me like that my watch ended up hanging in a hop shop in singapore. - mchale, is that any way to talk about a man who saved your life when you fell over board in the zamboanga? - i didn't fall. i was pushed. - the important thing is that you were saved. now you will repay that favor. and all i want you to do is lend me your p.t. boat. >> lend you--ha ha ha. come on, will ya, frenchy? - there is a shipment of [indistinct]

of sucarra. - what about your boat? - unfortunately, the police have it, a minor infringement of shipping regulations. - sure, like a rum-running smuggling piracy on the high seas. ha ha ha. - oh, mchale, you always make with the joke, huh? but forget about my boat. what about yours? - well, you can forget about my boat, too. say, haven't you heard? there's a war on. remember? boom, boom. - yes, yes, i remember. i read something about it. all right, forget about the boats. let's have a drink together, for old time sakes, huh? - now you're talking, pal. [laughter] - ah, it looks as though i lose the argument, huh? but as you americans say, it is not if you win or lose, but how you play the game. - hey, gruber, it's skip! come on.

- [grunting] - gendarme, gendarme! come quickly to the cafe. an american sailor is attacking 3 poor frenchmen. [whistle blowing] [yelling] - wait a minute, guys. this is a mistake. we've been framed. well, you can't do this to me, sir. i'm an officer in the united states navy. - lock them up! - hold on now. you can't lock me up, sir, i'm leaving port here in a couple of hours. i got to dig up the rest of my crew. - perhaps i can help you monsieur, voila. - oh, no! hey! i thought i told you

now what in blazes are you doing here? - well, i come here every season. - what are we doing here? those mademoiselles turned out to be engaged. - what are you doing here? - oh, never mind. now, look, chief, you can't keep us here. - lock up. - wait a minute, wait just a minute. i know my rights and i know we're entitled to make one phone call before you lock us up. - you're absolutely right, my apology to you. what is the name of your commanding officer? - well, uh, uh, forget it. - that's all we need, old lead bottom finding out we're in the clink. - we're dead. d-e-d-d-d, dead. - oh, quiet you, 8 balls. let me think, will ya? i need to try and figure a way to get us out of here before binghamton gets back. - parker, will you shut up and listen to what i'm saying. - oh, yes, sir, i heard everything you had to say. what--what were you saying? - i said are you and mchale keeping that gang of pirates

are they scrubbing the boat? - well, uh, yes, sir, yes, sir, we're busy as bees here. yes, sir, we were just working our heads off. all right, tote those crates, lift those bails. - what crates, what bails? - huh? well, all right, men, let's get to work. willy, more water there! yes, mr. parker. you hear him? ok, tinker, swing that mop. yes, mr. parker. tinker. you hear him? ok, gruber, more rags! - parker, have you been drinking? - i've been inhaling some g.i. soap, sir, but it's pretty strong, yoknow. - now look, you numbskull, i've got to get back to that meeting. we're going to wind up ahead of schedule. so, i want you to tell mchale that he's to have that bills barge shining in 1 hour because we're going to sail then. and that's all. - yes, sir, yes, sir, roger, over and out.

he must have hung up. walk, don't run. now let's see, if i were commander mchale, and i were in a french port, where would i go? [muttering] no, i could never face mother. - eh, pardon, this is commander mchale's p.t. boat, no? - oh, yes, yes. - and you are the only one here, yes? - uh, no, i mean, yeah, yeah. - well, your commander mchale, he has just been arrested. - oh, no. - oh, yes. i am his friend big frenchy, i tried to help him but nobody pays attention to a man like me. but you, the minute i look at you, i can see you are a man of action, yes? - oh, no, yeah, yes and no. - i can see it in the eyes and that bold neck and those powerful shoulders.

you call him, uh, john wayne. - john...john wayne? well, look, partner, this is no time for talk, this is time for action. - ah. - i forgot. i can't leave the boat. - you go right ahead. as a friend of commander mchale, i will watch the boat for you. the police station is right that way. - i don't know, that's against regulations. - did you ever see john wayne worry about regulations when a friend was in trouble? - watch the boat.

- i demand the release of commander mchale, united states navy. - and who are you? - i'm ensign wayne. i mean, john parker. chuck parker, my name is chuck. - hey, chuck. - oh, hi, skip. don't worry, i'll have you out of here in no time. now look, mon chief, i'm sure we can straighten this whole thing out. after all, we're great friends of maurice chevalier. now look, if you'll just let commander mchale go-- - let him go! commander mchale is being held for disorderly conduct, disturbance of peace, destroying private property and hitting a frenchman. - he hit a frenchman? he hit a frenchman. now look, after all, if he did all those things, i'm sure he's sorry. now look, i'm sure we can make it up to you boys somehow. - are you trying to bribe an officer of the law? - bribe an--

you see, we have to be out of port in less than an hour. - arrest this man. throw him in with the others. - you can't arrest john wayne. - i can arrest who i want. i'm the boss of this bastille. - skip, we got to get out of here. captain binghamton called. - binghamton? - yeah, he's leaving ahead of schedule. as a matter of fact, in exactly 49 minutes. [grumbling] - all right, all right, don't panic. - yeah, well, what's he going to say when he comes back and finds that we're not there? oh, boy. it's a good thing i got big frenchy watching the boat. - yeah, now listen, you guys... big who, watching what? - your friend big frenchy. he volunteered to watch the boat while i was out helping you. - oh, no, now you can panic. we got to get a hold of virgil. maybe he can raise the dough. hey, any of you guys know fifi's number? - save your nickel, skip, they're putting virgil through now. person to person. - virgil, what happened to you? - i was picked up for speeding, skip.

- i didn't have a car, i was running from her. - oh, you make big promises in the letter, virgil, but the promises are all lies. - lies, talk about lying, what about that phony picture you sent me, fifi? - huh? that's fifi? - papa, he doesn't want to marry me. - papa? he's her papa? - don't cry, my pretty. don't cry. - gendarme, throw him in with the others. lock him up. - well, now just a minute, chief, i think there's been a slight misunderstanding. yes, you see, this young man wasn't running away from your charming daughter. no, he was running into town for a tuxedo for the wedding. yes, he's very much in love with your fifi.

a military wedding complete with 21 gun salute. isn't that right, lover boy? - yeah, sarge, great. - yes, so, that's all settled. now you love 2 birds get together, huh? - ooh, virgil, virgil. - and now papa, if you'll let us out, we would like to go arrange for the ceremony. - gendarme, let out these troublemakers from this place. - whoo-hoo! [excited chatter] - bon appetit. - i knew it. the boat's gone. that back-stabbing barnacle scraper. - boy, is he in trouble. - is he in trouble? - well, sure, skip, according to paragraph 11, section 15 in the navy manual, why, a civilian can't operate a navy vessel, especially during time of war. - oh, will you stop, will ya, chuck?

we'll all be civilians in alcatraz. - i wonder what john wayne would do at a time like this. - he usually jumps on a horse. - will you guys be quiet, for heaven's sakes? i'm trying to think. now, let's see, by this time french out to be half-way to sucarra. and unless we can get started--bingo! there's our solution, boys. come on. frenchy swiped our boat, so we'll just swipe his. - hey, yeah, we'll paint a 73 on it and binghamton will never know the difference. it won't work. - we got to take off after frenchy and the 73. and that's how we're going. but first of all, fellas, we got to take care of those gendarmes. commander mchale of the united states navy. i have just received word of japanese action at sucarra and i'm commandeering this boat, government orders.

- step aside, buster. this is united stated navy. - didn't you hear? united states navy. - let's make contact in the pacific, sir. rendezvous is at 1300. - right. - how is mack? - fine, fine, just got a new hat. - board the boat. board the boat. - monsieur, i... - admiral nimitz sends his regrets. he cannot join us on this mission. he says keep your powder dry. - good old chester. - just a minute here, commander. - mchale, of the united states navy. now, don't interfere with invasion operations. - sir, british reinforcements are on the way. churchill sends you this. - stonewall jackson sends his best. - stonewall-- board the boats! start the engine. - but monsieur-- - give the orders not to start until after we leave. bye. - stonewall jackson? - wait for me! - it's all right, he's one of us. it's president roosevelt's special messenger. i'll see you get the [indistinct]

- ok, tink, cut your engines. - hey, skip, why are we sneaking up like this anyway? i mean, after all we're the good guys. why don't we just fire a shot across their bough? - with what, sling shots? there's no guns on this old tub. we'll have to go out and get those french hijackers with our bare hands. - oh, really? well, you don't have to worry then, skip. good thing i kept up my judo. hyah! hyah! - all right, all right, save it for later, will you, slugger? - hey, skipper, look, there's our boat. let's take them. - wait, wait a minute, chuck. - [speaking in japanese] - oh, man, we're really dead. - yeah, now the nips have our boat. - yeah, and us with no weapons. - hey, boys, let's go back to

- are we running, skip? - yeah, but we're coming right back. we're going to make a little japanese salad with some french dressing. come on. - japanese salad with french dressing? i thought they used teriyaki sauce. - [speaking in japanese] - [men singing in french] - [speaking in french accent] ah, mon amis! [speaking broken french] - who are you and what is going on here? i do not understand all this french talk. - you see, we are french. we are nutto. we love everybody. [laughter] you must have had the unhappy childhood.

who are you? - we are happy french sailors. we love everybody. ha ha ha. but these pigs we hate. yeah, collaborate with the americans for free p.t. boat ride. sacre bleu. - sacre bleu. - monsieur mchale to you, swine. ixnay on the mchale-ay. - what? - what he says is that he is a filthy turncoat, yeah. curse on the mother's goat. - hate these filthy turncoats, yes. you, we like. them, we hate. you like, them hate. isn't that right? - oui, oui. like, hate. like, hate. - like, hate. - i insist you stop. - well, anything you say, monsieur. we stop.

hey, mon amis? - then we like you--hey! - hyah, hyah, hyah! - hey, that's great, skip, what style of judo was that? - american style, it's called a shot in the head. - a shot in the head. i'll have to remember that. - all right, boys. all right, let's get these prisoners on board. let's go. we got to get moving. - oh, mchale, mon amis. i am so happy to see you. my chin took quite a beating, but you saved frenchy's life. - yeah, well, that makes us even for zamboanga. yeah, you stealing our p.t. boat, of all the low-down stupid tricks. - you like me, i can tell. how frenchy could ever have stolen any thing from a man like you, i do not know. you, i like. me, i hate. - come on, will ya? don't start that all over again.

frenchy, your boat is on the other side of the island. let's not just say au revoir. let's say bye-bye, bye-bye. - bye-bye, my friend. - boy, he sure likes you, skip. i guarantee ya, after what he's been through today he's going to go straight. - friend? that french frog just stole my wallet! hey, you!

- well, hi, captain, sorry we're a little late, sir. - not a little late, mchale, when i'm through with you, you'll be so finished, you won't even be able to sail a boat across a bathtub. i've got a list of charges against you that's going to

- oh? - are you ready for this? - yes, sir. - 1, direct disobedience of order. 2, absence without leave. 3, dereliction of duty. 4, stealing a french vessel. 5, assault and battery on french citizens. - well, now those are 5 good charges, - sir, yes, sir. - yes, they are. - but if i may say so, i have a good answer for each of them, sir. - what are you talking about? what, what, what? - well, now, uh, prisoners! front and center. there you are, sir. 5 of them. count them. - mchale, i don't believe you. you're trying to pull something on me again. now, who are these people you've got made up to look japanese?

[laughter] - hey, why don't ya come with us, hap? there are enough nurses to go around. - nah, that romantic jazz ain't for me. i'm not the type. - what do you mean you're not the type? you're a sailor, aren't ya? - come on, grube. those nurses don't even look at me when they're giving me a shot. - oh, relax, hap. that's because they're on duty, but when you're alone with them, under the stars, and they see that love light gleaming in your eyes, kid... - virge, the only light i ever put in a girl's eye is the glare from this... have a ball tonight, you guys. i'm going to wash up and hit the sack. - boy, you know, i feel kinda sorry for old hap. a guy can't be a loner and like it. - well, that's life, huh? sorry, rita baby. i'm cheating on you tonight! got myself a live one. - mr. bell, you are going to be running the gig for me, are you not?

- sorry, skipper. i was just making myself irresistible. - irresistible! - hey, skip, can we catch a ride? - hold it! hold it! hold it! you bunch of corn-fed casanovas. what is this, another raid on the nurses' quarters? - now wait a minute, you guys know it's against regulations for enlisted men to fraternize with the nurses. - mr. parker! - well, check that. you don't exactly fraternize with a female. well, you now, know binghamton's new rule. the next enlisted man he catches with an nurse goes right in the brig! - mr. parker is absolutely right. you'd be breaking regulations and defying captain binghamton's authority. so, what are we waiting for? let's go! [all yelling]

- ok, boys! [all yelling] - shh! shh! shh! shh! look at that character, would you? sleeping like a baby. - poor guy. doesn't know what he missed! - yeah, what about that new redhead in ward 3? wow! now i know what they mean by socialized medicine! - ok, you guys! - shh! - hey, which one of you put the grab on my calendar? - what calendar? - you know what calendar! - shh! you know what calendar. the one that had betty grable on it! - well, don't look at me, skip. [all talking at once] - who needs a betty grable calendar?

this month. she's gone! hey, someone swiped all my pin-ups! - hey, where's my alice faye? - they're all missing, skip! - skipper-son, i am reporting violation of geneva conventions! - what is it, fuj? - somebody swipe my shirley yamaguchi! - skip, happy was the only one here. - oh, come on. what are you talking about? why, happy would be the last one in the world to... - [grunting] - hey, skip, look! here they are! - well, i'm a son of a war-like sea serpent! - shh! he's getting up! - but his eyes are still closed! - holy toledo! he's walking in his sleep!

- hey, skip, he's going into mr. parker's hut! - now he swiped a pin-up from mr. parker! - hey, what's going on here? he took a snapshot of my mother right off the wall! - your mother? - yeah, the one in her bikini! - hey, wait a minute. wait a minute. hold it! hold it, you guys! i hear it's dangerous to wake up a sleepwalker suddenly. that poor guy, look at him. hey, what happened tonight anyway? why wasn't he with you guys? - same as every night, skip. he's afraid of anyone that wears skirts. - yeah, he's got an idea dames don't like him because he's an egg head. not smart like one, just bald like one. - i didn't realize it's that bad. he's really cracking up. - it's a rough situation, skip. - what can we do about it, skip?

i'm no head shrinker, but first of all, i'd say we have to build up his confidence and then we'll get him a date with a real girl so he won't go chasing them in his sleep. - affirmative, skip. hap's problem is purely psychological. i can tell. i did a lot of work with a navy psychiatrist when i first joined up. - you did? - oh, yeah. yeah! i didn't exactly work with him. he kinda worked with me. he'd ask me a lot of questions and we'd all... - now, fellas, here's what we do. now... - hey, guys, look! there's a picture of happy in here! - in a movie magazine? - you've got to be kidding! - ok, wise guy, see for yourself. - well, i'll be. now, wait a minute! that's not happy! that's cary grant! - sure looks like hap! - oh, cut it out, you guys!

you're putting me on. - on the level, hap. you look enough like him to be his brother. - oh, come on, grube. - you don't believe me, eh? ok, we'll try it out on a disinterested bystander. - mr. parker! - hi, you guys! i was just passing by. - we want your unbiased opinion. take a look at happy and tell us what movie star does he remind you of? - hey! cary grant! - oh, come on now, mr. parker! looks like you guys are working around for sick leave. - where are you going, hap? - i'm going someplace where i can take a snooze in peace. i don't know what makes me so tired today. - he ought to be tired. he was walking all night. - hi, skip. - hi! well? - i don't know if he bought it, skip. we sure gave it the hard sell. - it was all right for openers. after all, hap is only human.

it'll sprout. it'll sprout, boys. - it'd be better for him if a little hair would sprout! - ship's ahoy! - old lead bottom! - ah! - morning, captain! - all right, mchale, muster your crew. i want to talk to them. get them in here on the double. - yes, sir. all right, all you guys, come here on the double, now! let's go! all right, front and center. - there are you, captain. - sergeant, the evidence. huh? mchale, one of your amorous beach boys lost this last night in a raid on the nurses' quarters. it's a court martial offense. - captain, what makes you think it was one of my boys? - you're a funny man, mchale. what other crew even loosely attached to the navy wears hawaiian shirts? sergeant, do you recognize the culprit? - sorry, sir. it was night and i only saw him from behind. - attention, about face! ahem! sir, now we have nothing to hide.

are you going to hand over the guilty man, or aren't you? - enemy plane, coming in low! - hey, air raid! hit the shelter! come on, boys, let's go! come on, captain, let's go. - no way, mchale! you're not going to wiggle off the hook by staging a phony air raid. i know an enemy plane when i hear one! - all right, i hear one! [explosions] - jumping torpedoes! - oh, no! - happy's sleepwalking again! - sleepwalking! why, he'll draw enemy fire to us. - he showed them where we were! he showed them where we were! this man showed them--stop that! what's the matter with you?

look at him! he's still asleep! how long has this been going on? - well, we just found out last night, sir. we came back-- - no, no, no! seaman haines is all right, sir. yes, sir. he's just a little tired. you see, we were on night maneuvers last night. - yes, i heard about that from the shore patrol. a man like that is a menace. there's no place for a sleepwalker in a combat zone. - but--but captain! - now you butt out, mchale. there's going to be a hospital ship saturday. i want that man checked out by a navy psychiatrist, and that's an order. - all clear, sir. - very well! - but, captain, you can't ship out happy just for a little sleepwalking! - you want to bet? he's not the only going to be shipped out if you don't keep these men away from my nurses! - what a war! - that poor hap! we gotta break him of this sleepwalking habit by saturday or he's a goner! - only one way to do it, skip.

feel wanted. - now, that won't be easy. hap won't go near a gal. you know, feeling like he does about his bald noggin. - i don't know why he should. i don't have any trouble with the women and i'm getting a little on the naked side topside. - yeah, yeah, but there must be some way. - all right. gangway. - excuse me, sir. captain forgot the evidence. - geronimo! - humph! - well, boys, we've lined up hap's hair. now all we need is a gal! - i think you're on firm psychological ground, commander. your man feels rejected by the opposite sex. this has brought on a trauma, which in turn triggered the sleepwalking. now, we counter the trauma with a pleasant experience and a cure is highly feasible. - gee, i love that kind of talk. - well, that's kinda the idea, nancy.

- i'd be glad to help, but do you think just having a date with me will cure him? - it's got to! or it's bye-bye happy when that hospital ship pulls in on saturday morning. - well, i'll do my best. it sounds like a pretty big job to take on alone. - oh, you won't have to go it alone, my dear. i have a tremendous interest in this case. so, if mr. parker will escort me, we'll make it a double date. purely in the interest of science, of course. - you and me? well, i'm pretty busy. - you wouldn't want to see happy shipped out? of course you don't. right? right! - it's a date. come on! - ha ha ha! ok, lieutenant. oh, and thanks for the pills. oh, you got a minute? i want you to meet one of my boys, here. this is lieutenant ann wright, seaman happy haines. - glad to meet you. - yeah. - well, i have to be running along. - bye now. - bye-bye.

- ha ha ha! come on, come on, come on. oh, happy, you're a smash! you know, i got another lover boy on my hands. you know what she says? she says you look a little like cary grant! - did she say that? - yeah. hey, maybe the guys weren't ribbing me after all, huh? - hey, would you like a date with her? - a date? oh, i don't know, skip, well... - you got it! ha ha ha! you can make it a double header with mr. parker here, he's got a date with a cute chick, huh, chuck? - you mean the--oh, yeah, yeah. she's real sharp, real sexy! [whistles] - oh, no, skip. it won't work. - now what's wrong? - you forgot about this. from here up i sure ain't no cary grant. - yeah. well, don't you worry about that, hap.

- aah! what's the matter with you?

- huh? - there it is. a gift from the boys! - that sure makes a difference! - hey, there go all my gals! - yes, sir! we have a new glamour boy of pt 73! - you look just like sansui hiragana.

- that's japanese cary grant! - ohh. judy, judy, judy! - yes, sir, hap. tonight's the night. that doll of a lieutenant is going to flip her stripes! - look at that. - hey, you guys! condition red. binghamton's coming. - and i going. lots of luck, cary! - ah. hi, captain! what are you doing? - commander, would you hold this for me, please? - the lieutenant is posting an official notice for the edification of your cutthroats. - he knows you're bald. you'd better ditch the wig. - "official notice. nurses' quarters are off limits to all "enlisted personnel. "violators will be shot on sight by order of captain wallace b. binghamton." - this is an official notice to you salt water romeos that my marine guards are going to be using live ammunition. - you're all heart, captain. - [all talking at once]

- what's that? - it's another one of those pesky critters, sir! stand back! they're dangerous! - get it! get it! - get it now! [all talking at once] - got it, sir! - you've got what? what is that? wh-what is that? what, what, what? - jungle chipmunk, sir. they're as big a ponies in this climate. i'll dispose of it. - come on, carpenter. let's get out here. this isn't a naval base. it's a zoo! - but sir, you forgot something. [whispering] - i know, i know. quit buzzing in my ear! what's the matter with you? - if any of you raunchy romeos have got any ideas about sneaking the nurses over here, well, you just forget it, because from now on the nurses are confined to their quarters accept on a written pass signed by me! huh? ha ha ha.

- skip, that not fair. he can't do that to us. - he's really got us boxed in this time. - we can't get to the nurses, and they can't get to us. - tough luck, hap old boy. looks like our--i mean, your dates are off. - no, no, now, wait a minute. huh? i think i got an angle. hey, virge, you're pretty big with the girls around here. now, where do you take 'em on a date when you don't want to get caught? - well, now that's a professional secret, skip. - come on, give, you swab! this is for happy! - all right, skip, my number one rendezvous is the fire shack down by the ammunition dump. a lot of privacy and no one goes there unless there's a fire. - ahh. well, that's it then, hap! hey, grube, let me have that hair piece, boy! hey, boy, it's going to be a hot time in the old fire shack tonight! - sure is hot today! - not half as hot as it's going to be for the guy that stole my wig!

- ok, girls, it's all clear. tinker's keeping him busy. heh. well, good luck, girls. and, remember, you'll have to turn it on for happy. boy, you really got a shy one there. this way. [music playing] - well, it's refreshment time. now, you two sit right down here. come on, happy. and we'll go get some ice. - well, don't ya think we ought to... - why don't you sit over here, happy? - well, i-- i don't want to crowd you. - ensign, this is a crisis. - well, i know. i tried to tell you there's no ice in here! - no! i mean seaman haines! - oh. - at this rate we'll never dissipate his trauma. you and i will just have to show them the way.

- nothing real obvious, of course, just a mad embrace or two. - yeah, what? wait a minute, lieutenant. why, you can't expect an ensign of the united states navy to neck in front of enlisted personnel? - just pull yourself together, ensign. this is purely scientific. there's absolutely no emotion involved. like this. - oh, well, that's not bad. - you see? purely platonic. but perhaps it will stimulate seaman haines enough to overcome his inhibitions. now, let's see if you've got it. - right. yeah. [muttering] - i thought they went for ice. - captain, sir! - what's the matter with you? you know i'm not a well man. don't be sneaking-- what do you want? - sorry, sir. but 2 nurses are reported missing from their quarters. - i knew it! i knew mchale was up to something. get my jeep. we'll search the island. well, don't just stand there. move, move, move! - look, lieutenant. you can't do this. you ought to read your manual. besides, you said it was for science!

overpower me. show them the way! - oh, uh, hey, you don't have to. they're already there! - gee, i never thought it would be like this. it's even better than just dreaming about it. - oh, i think you're just wonderful, happy. - well, now you know the awful truth, and you don't have to say anything. i know. i'm repulsive. - oh, stop it, happy. you're sweet and gentle and i like you. this doesn't make any difference. - do ya mean it? - of course! - hey, hap, did you hear that? she's like ya just the way you are, bald as an old door knob. - well, case dismissed. - well, i don't need that wig after all, do i, ann? - well, i...let me use it!

well, we'll stay here off the ammo dump until the party's over, then we'll pick 'em up! ha ha ha. holy jumping kamikazes. the captain! he's coming down the road to the shack. - oh, what a spot! - we'll never get them out of there now, skip! - if the captain walks in to that love nest, he'll blow his top and the ammunition dump with it! - what did you say? - i said, if the captain walks into the-- - that's what i thought you said. boys, it's our only chance! willy, break out the smoke grenades. you boys, man the 50s. - you're not going to blow up the ammo dump, are ya? - well, of course not. but we've got to make it look that way. come on, don't just stand there! move! move! - hey, hap, why don't we go outside and get a little air? it's getting kinda warm in here, isn't it? - come back here, you darling ensign, you! - hey! - it's captain binghamton. - oh, no! we're dead! - grab that stuff and get in the storage room. - come on, girls!

- did you hear a noise in here, carpenter? - i'm not sure, sir, but... watch out, sir! watch out! it's one of those jungle chipmunks, sir, watch out, stand back, sir. - watch what you're doing! - but, sir! i got it, sir. - wait! wait! wait! wait a minute! - but, sir, look out! - i'm sorry, sir. but i could've sworn it was one of those jungle chipmunks. - oh, jungle--any nitwit can see that's a toupee. now, will you forget about this stupid thing and let's find those nurses! go look in the storage room! what happened here? the chipmunk's on fire! - fire! - fire! - fire! fire in the ammunition dump! fire! - that's the skipper's voice. he'll get us out of this! - fire! fire in the ammunition room! don't go out there, sir! it's a sea of flames!

- it's a good thing i saw the smoke from the boat, sir. here! here! get one of these, sir! - what is it? - quick! hurry up there. oh, there goes the small ar ammo! - oh, sir. it's hitting the .50 caliber ammunition! - here, hit the deck, sir! hit the deck. hit the deck before the big stuff blows! keep down there, sir. it's gonna blow any minute! stay right down there, sir! stay down. stay down. - mchale? - yeah? - who are those people? - don't worry about that, sir. they're volunteers, sir. stay down! volunteers. - get down, captain, it's gonna blow! stay right down there, now, sir. here ya go. [all talking at once] - what's that, mchale? oh. the big ammo just went off, sir. yes, sir. oh, gruber! gruber? how's it going out there? - all clear, sir! i got the blaze under control. - well done, gruber! well done, men!

here you go! there. how about that? huh? - mchale, you saved my life. when i think of all the nasty things that i've said about you and then you're running off into a blazing inferno to save me, well... - you don't have to cry, captain. - well, i don't care. it kind gets a fella. let's go outside and see what's damaged. - there you go, captain. - that doesn't help. - that was just for your protection, sir, yes, sir. in case there are sparks outside or something. yes, sir. - a pleasure, mchale. - hold on to my hand, sir. there we go. there we go, sir.

- hey, skip, shouldn't happy be out by now? - yeah, that head shrinker's had him under observation all night! - relax, boys. here he comes. - hey! and he's walking tall! - commander, it is my pleasure to report the navy psychiatrist has found seaman haines fit for duty! - that's wonderful! welcome home, old buddy. - thanks, skip. hey, ya know that doctor is really a kook! he sat up all night just watching me snore! - yeah, it seems he had some strange idea that happy walked in his sleep. - walked in his sleep? that's ridiculous. - hey, look, i'll see you guys later, huh? if it's ok with you, skip, i got a date with ann. - sure, go right ahead, lover boy! - thanks, skip. - we found a new rendezvous. it's underneath the old water tower. - oh? - come on, chucky, you adorable little chubbins, you. - oh, well, i can't leave the ship. skip, tell her i can't leave the ship. nancy, control yourself!