[music] what time do you think you'll get home tomorrow night, dear? oh, not until 8:00, honey. don't wait up for me. boy, i sure wish i could go on a business trip. couldn't i go with you, dad? i don't think you'd enjoy it very much, son. besides, you'd better stay here and take my place while i'm gone. take your place? well, yes, sort of act as my deputy. you mean, like matt dillon has? well, that's the general idea. think you can handle it? i sure can, mr. mitchell. you don't have to give it the long branch treatment. but seriously, son, you are getting old enough now to sort of fill in for me and take care of things

well, i'll sure try, dad. is there any special man job i can do? well let's see, i--i told mr. wilson i'd help him wash his car. gee, he usually pays me for that. well, not when you're grown up, you do things like that just to be a good neighbor. oh. well, i guess it's time to get going. i'll carry your suitcase down for you. okay, son. he certainly was impressed with the idea of taking your place. well, you let him think he is; it'll give him a sense of responsibility. hey, dad? here you are, dad. i carried it part way with only one hand. well, that shows i know how to pick a man. would you like me to bring you a glass of milk before you go? milk? yeah, one for the road. one for the--dennis, where on earth did you get that? i woke up one night when dad and some other men were playing cards and i heard him say that-- never mind, dennis. i think i better be going now. bye, dear. men don't kiss each other, dad.

goodbye, son. see you soon. bye, dad. have a nice trip. gee, i miss him already. well, so do i but we'll manage. now why don't you come on in and help me with the breakfast dishes? oh, i can't do that, mom. i'm taking dad's place, so i have to do what he does after breakfast. [music] hmm, the stock market looks sort of shaky today. it's so nice to have a man around the house. [music] hi, mom. you want me to soak the burgers or something? no, dear, we're having stew for lunch and i'd like you to peel the potatoes. gee, mom, men don't do things like that.

yeah, but you take the knife away from him because you say he peels them too deep. you don't want them peeled that way, do you? [doorbell ringing] dennis, would you get the door for me? i have something on the stove. okay, mom. oh, hi, mr. wilson, come on in. hello, dennis. are your parent's home? my mom is, but my dad's out of town on business. come on in and sit down. thank you. i'm taking my dad's place, so i'll help you wash your car like he was going to do. well that's very kind of you, but i drove downtown this morning and had it done at the service station. oh, well, you just let me know if there's anything else you need another man for. hello, mr. wilson. well, alice. dennis tells me you're a business widow. only until tomorrow night, thank goodness. oh, well, i have a little surprise for you. do you remember my telling you about a book i was having published, my first book? yes, and we're so thrilled for you. is that it?

and i autographed one for you and henry. "the land we love," by john wilson. oh, thank you. well, i hope you enjoy it. it's a collection of my magazine articles on american history. i know we'll enjoy it. and here's a personal copy for you too, dennis. boy, mr. wilson, it feels great, not nearly as heavy as my arithmetic book. i know how proud you must be, mr. wilson, and i hope the book makes a lot of money for you. oh, i won't get any money myself. you know, i was very well paid for the original articles and i decided that i would turn over the book royalties to the red cross. what a fine thing to do. i'll certainly tell all my friends what a generous man you are. oh no, no. please don't. i know i've always been very quick to toot my own horn, but i think so much of the red cross that i'd rather do this without fanfare. i understand.

i'm going down to the local bookstore and try and arrange for a good window display. oh, i'm sure mr. jessup will give you one. he's a rather fussy sort of man but very nice. well, i haven't met him but i'll introduce myself. and thank you again for the book, mr. wilson. thank you for mine too. oh, yes of course. goodbye. goodbye. good old mr. wilson, he sure is a nice man, isn't he? he certainly is. hey, now that i'm a man, i think i'll grow a mustache

good morning, mr. jessup? ah, that's right. what can i do for you? my name is john wilson. oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet a real life literary figure. it's a pleasure knowing you.

oh, you bet i am. since you're a local celebrity, i ordered 50 copies. they were delivered just this morning. oh, splendid, splendid. i have a small favor to ask. oh, you just name it, mr. wilson. you're the first author i've ever had in my shop. mr. jessup: a fellow came in once that wrote real clever ads for deodorant. oh, but of course, that don't put him in your class. oh--no. well, what i had in mind was a window display for my book; 50 copies should fill it nicely. oh, that's a fine idea. of course, i couldn't put all 50 of them in, but i could make room for two or three. why so few? oh, well, if i put in any more, i had to take out my display of get-well cards. get-well cards? uh-huh, a greeting card for sick folks. i just got in a lovely selection, like this one.

"having lots of pain from toe to head, "just remember those worthwhile are the ones who wear a smile." isn't that nice? surely you must be joking, mr. jessup. well, i don't see anything funny. you mean you actually prefer to have that-- that drivel in your window, instead of my book? well, it may be drivel to you, but i think cheering up sick people is important. look, i am not against sick people. oh, well, that's good of you. but as a businessman, you should be practical about this. a window display of my books will bring in far more money than you'll ever get out of those cards. oh, people don't measure everything by money, mr. wilson. sick people need more-- you've already explained that. you come in here and ask a favor and then end up by telling me how to run my business. well, i'll be doing you a favor too. i'm willing to stay here and autograph books for anyone who buys a copy. i suppose you charge them

of course not. why would i do a thing like that? because apparently, nothing matters to you but making money. that is not true. well, you got mad at me when i said i'd rather sell get-well cards that make sick folks happy. i did no such thing. now, mr. jessup, let's be reasonable about this. it's true, i would like people to buy my book. well, naturally, so you could get rich. no, so they can read the stories it tells about our famous american heroes. oh, your hero is probably benedict arnold; he loved money too. oh, for heaven's sake. oh, i know the kind of man you are, mr. wilson. you think you can lord it over me, come in my shop and give me orders and expect me to bow mr. jessup: and scrape just because you've written a book? that's the kind of man you are. is that so? well, you are the kind of fussy pipsqueak who's headed for bankruptcy because you'd rather sell stupid cards than good literature.

it'll make it easier to send your book back to the publisher. send them back? yes. i refuse to handle anything written by such a cold and heartless person. [music] how much is this get-well card? twenty-six cents. twenty-six cents. twenty-five, 26. it's for you. you must be sick. i can't get over the things that fellow jessup said to me. now, john, you mustn't let it bother you so. but it does bother me. i'm not a cold, heartless man, am i? of course not. you're a good, kind man. a good, kind, sweet man.

i counted so i'm having my books on display on his window. people would have seen them from the street, they'd have come in and ask me to autograph them and they'd have told me what a fine book it is, how well written, and i just said, "well, not really, just careful research." and it would have been such a good thing for the red cross. you haven't forgotten that? oh, that too, of course. a good, kind, sweet, modest man. now, he's going to send them all back and i won't get to autograph a single one. john, would you stop fretting about this. now, dear, why don't you do something to keep busy? something to-- well, to keep your mind off yourself. well, i suppose it might help. oh, i know i'd been meaning to touch up the pickets on the front fence. oh, and i'll pick up that wicket chair out of the garage and spray some paint on it too. we can always use it as lawn furniture. that's a wonderful idea. and i'll fix a pitcher of cold lemonade and put it on the porch for you.

hi, mr. wilson. oh, hello, dennis. did you get all your books in the window at the bookshop? no, mr. jessup won't even sell them. he was most disagreeable. gee, that's too bad. well, i bet you i could have fixed it up if i had gone with you. well, you didn't, so let's not talk about it, all right? okay. can i help you paint the fence? oh, dennis, really i-- but dad always helps you. well, that's a good idea, dennis. you take over, i'll have myself some lemonade. you got lemonade? yes, you do a good job, there'll be some for you too. gee, swell, mr. wilson. the sooner you finish, the sooner you get some. with a spray can, i can go real fast. [music] dennis, , op that. uh-oh.

now i'll have to do the whole fence over again. gee, i didn't mean to make a mess, mr. wilson. well, i hope this would teach you that a boy shouldn't attempt a man's job. i was just doing what dad would have done. i mean, i just wanted to help. dennis, there's only one way you can help me; go home, please. okay, i'll go, mr. wilson. i sure hate to make another man cry. dennis, you've hardly touched your breakfast. i'm not hungry, mom. but you're a man. you should eat a man-sized breakfast. well, i guess i'm not much of a man; not after what i did to mr. wilson's fence yesterday. but that was just an accident, dear. i'm sure mr. wilson isn't very mad. well, he ought to be. i tried to help him like dad would have, but it turned out all wrong. you're still the man in this house. i better go out and see what the kids are doing.

gee, taking dad's place isn't as easy as i thought. it's kind of like putting on his clothes; they'd be too big for me. it takes a man to admit that, dear. yeah? gee, maybe i was giving up too soon. mr. jessup won't sell this book. he's unfair. he's mean to mr. wilson. he's a very naughty man. boo. jessup won't sell this book. he's unfair. now look here, children, i've told you before this isn't doing a bit of good, so why don't you just run along. because we wanna help mr. wilson. and make you treat him fair. justice will prevail. i like to make noise. but you must be getting tired marching around in this heat. wouldn't you rather go to the drug store and have ice cream sodas? well, it is kind of hot, dennis. and i am fatigued.

oh, then please, be my guest. come on, dennis, this isn't much fun anyway. well, go ahead and drink his old sodas if you want. i'm staying right here. i admire your principles, dennis, but you're fighting for a lost cause. you're nutty. you can't buy me off. why are you being so stubborn, young man? because that's what i am, a young man. even you know it. then you refuse to give up this picketing nonsense. i sure do. my dad wouldn't quit helping a friend and i won't quit either. mr. jessup won't sell this book. he's unfair. very well, i tried. mr. jessup won't sell this book. mr. jessup is unfair. he won't sell mr. wilson's book. dennis: it costs 3.95 and it's worth it. great-- dennis. oh hi, mr. wilson. what in the world do you think you're doing? well, i'm picketing mr. jessup; that's how men operate. oh, give me that thing. what's wrong mr. wilson?

i'm behind this that i'm hiring you to-- to drum up trade for me. it's very embarrassing. well, well, well. you know, when jessup called, i couldn't believe it. now, i really can't believe it. hi, sergeant mooney. hello, dennis. you know, you shouldn't be keeping company with this agitator. agitator? hmm. oh, oh, you mean this sign. it doesn't belong to me; it's his. oh, sure. that's why you're carrying it because it doesn't belong to you. oh, for heaven's sake, mooney, you don't think i'd be picketing jessup. look, wilson, i'm just a simple cop. if i see a fellow with a mask and a gun coming out of the bank carrying a satchel full of money, i'd say, "mooney, that fellow robbed the bank." when i see you parading up and down with that sign, i'd say, "mooney, he's picketing." that's the way my mind works. but i just took the sign from dennis. tell him, dennis. that's right, sergeant mooney. don't protect him, son. the next thing you know, he'll have you on top

oh, this whole thing is ridiculous. uh-oh, no, maybe not wilson. maybe this little stunt will sell enough books to pay your fine. a fine? yeah, for picketing without a license. well, i hope you're satisfied, dennis. gee, i didn't mean this to happen, mr. wilson. i was just trying to make up for yesterday when i was trying to be a man. well, get that absurd idea out of your head. you are not a man. you're just a child. and please keep out of my affairs. okay, mr. wilson. okay, wilson, let's go down to headquarters. oh. ah-ah-ah-ah, pick that up. don't try to get rid of the evidence. and if you're a good boy, i'll let you picket in front of the mayor's house. you can carry a sign saying, "the police department is underpaid."

mr. jessup, i wanna talk to you. oh, dear, i hoped you were gone. well, what is it? i got my friend mr. wilson in trouble. so i guess what i was doing outside was a mistake. well, that's much better, and i accept your apology. you are too young to understand. i wanna ask you a question, man to man. all right, ask away. you make money selling books, don't you? it's been my business for many years. then why won't you sell mr. wilson's books if it'll make money for you? because i don't like him. he made fun of my greeting cards, so i don't care to put money in his pocket. oh, he won't make anything. he's gonna give all he gets to the red cross. to the red cross? oh, that can't be true. sure it is. he told me and mom about it. well, then why didn't he tell me? well, i don't know, maybe 'cause you got mad at him so fast he didn't have time to tell you. well, perhaps i was hasty. mr. wilson gets upset real easy

but he's an awful nice man. hmm, and i find that hard to believe, but i suppose it's possible. sure, i bet you hollered right back at him, but you're an awful nice man too. i can tell. well thank you, dennis. you'd like mr. wilson if you knew him like i know him. uh-huh. he gave me this book and he wrote something in it especially for me. can i read to you? oh, well, yes, please do. "these stories of our country's past "are for my friend dennis mitchell, "who represents our future. "while we have boys as eager and honest "and loyal as dennis, "there is nothing to worry about. "we'll be in good hands. "it gives me great pride to know that he thinks of me as his friend." john wilson. doesn't he sound like a nice man? yes, yes, he certainly does. i was wrong and i'm sorry. oh, these are his books that i was sending back.

you mean you're gonna keep 'em? i'm gonna put them all in the window. oh boy, that's swell, mr. jessup. and would you tell mr. wilson that my profit on each one of these books is going to the red cross too, even if it bankrupts me. will you tell him that, dennis? i sure will, mr. jessup. [music]

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call liberty mutual at switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509 call today at see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. [music] ah, dennis, what i have to say, i may say badly. it isn't easy for me to admit that i'm a grouch. you don't have to admit it, mr. wilson. oh, yes i do. i want to thank you for doing this old grouch a great service. i was trying awful hard to be a man and help you like dad would have. believe me, you're a better man than i am. oh no, not better than you, mr. wilson. much better. i let my temper get away from me and jumped all over mr. jessup. then when you sprayed the fence, i let my temper get away again.

but that didn't stop you. no matter how cranky i was, you went right on doing your best to help me. i'm your friend. i hope i can always be as loyal to my friends as you were. believe me, dennis, you're my idea of what a man should be. jeepers. i wonder if dad's clothes would fit me now. well, it didn't look like i was gonna get mr. jessup to sell mr. wilson book, but i kept plugging away and now everything's okay. well, i'm home again. honey, what a wonderful surprise. you're home early, dad. yup. oh, what happened? you said you wouldn't get in until after midnight. well, things went so smoothly i just took off. good for you. everything run smoothly here too? no trouble at all. dennis took your place just like you told him to. good boy. yeah, i like being a man. well, some things i like about it too, son. say, what are we gonna eat? all the way from center city

well, honey, we didn't expect you for dinner. i'm afraid you'll have to go to the market and pick up another steak. well, why me? dennis is still officially head man around here. mr. mitchell: i don't wanna put him out of a job just because i got home a little ahead of schedule. sure, i'll do it. that's the spirit, son. you just tell mr. quigley we want a thick, juicy steak. okay, give me the money. well, dennis, the head of the family pays for the groceries. you can just get it out of your piggy bank. but dad, i've been saving up for a super contest model yo-yo. well yo-yos are for boys, not men like us. oh. dad, i just made a big decision. yes? you know more about being a man than i do. i think i'll just resign and just be your boy again. you think you like that better, huh? well, i guess it does have some advantages.

[music] well, eloise? as i've always said, john, hanging is too good for that picture. oh, no, eloise, aunt emma did give it to us. and after all, i am her favorite relative. well, you're the only relative she still speaks to. well, that makes me her favorite, doesn't it? oh, i hope dennis doesn't come bothering the poor soul while she's here. that's not what's bothering you, john wilson. you're afraid she'll leave her money

well, i must admit i'd feel easier in my mind if we could count on aunt emma leaving us her money. if anything happened to me, what would you be left with? a few thousand in insurance, an old house with a mortgage as big as this living room, and a trunk full of old stories that i haven't been able to sell. you forgot one thing, dear. what's that? i'd also be left with a lifetime of wonderful memories. yes, you would, wouldn't you? but just try eating them sometime when you're hungry. [music] [music] i wonder how aunt emma's doing with her charities. oh, some charities. the east bend bird bat association, the save our chipmunks society, the square dancing club for retired carpenters, the--say, did you buy enough tea? you know what a tea drinker she is.

the english would have to switch to coffee. i still wish i could count on your having aunt emma's money in case i departed unexpectedly. just what makes you so sure that you will depart unexpectedly before i do? statistics show that we, men, usually do. oh, evidently you women nag us to death. now, john wilson, i do not nag. dear, don't you think we ought to call the state? now, eloise, i've told you a dozen times, aunt emma's train doesn't arrive until 10:30. now, i have a memory like an elephant. [doorbell ringing] if that's dennis, tell him i've gone to the north pole for christmas. mrs. wilson: aunt emma. aunt emma. why didn't that silly husband of yours come and meet me? he was busy being nagged. mr. wilson: aunt emma, you're early. the train was two minutes late.

oh, stop pecking me. well, i--i'm sorry, aunt emma. i mean about missing the train. oh, don't apologize. i expected it. oh. where are your bags? oh, some dear little boy is going to bring them up from the curb. uh, excuse me. oh, dennis, i--i'll take those. but i'm doing fine, mr. wilson. dennis, dennis, don't argue. just give it to me. [music] hasn't changed a bit, has he? the clumsiest boy in town. would you like to go up to your room now, aunt emma? no. i think i'll stay here and rest a little while. oh, that's fine, dear. i'll go make you some hot tea. oh, thank you, dear.

hello. notice the picture on the wall, aunt emma? i gave that to you two years ago because i detested it. oh, well, it's one of our favorites. hey, mr. wilson, how come you brought that funny old picture out of the basement? we, uh, we were cleaning down there. how are things with you, john? oh. financially you mean? not good, aunt emma. not good at all. mr. wilson is not even getting air conditioning for his new car. the, uh, the old one's falling apart just like the one-- tommy: dennis. that's tommy. i gotta go now. well, i think we can manage without you. i'll see you later, aunt emma.

he's as bright as a button, isn't he? i prefer zippers myself. uh, you look very well, aunt emma. considering i haven't been embalmed yet. oh, i didn't mean that. my health is fine, john. my lawyer's health is even better. and i haven't decided whether to leave my money to you or to those quaint little charities you're always making fun of. now, will you just let me relax and enjoy myself? [music] attention people with hearing loss. what i'm about to tell you could change your life. does your hearing loss have you feeling left out? are you finding it harder to hear the tv or telephone? are you afraid you might not hear an alarm or intruder? if left untreated, your hearing loss can get significantly worse. a recent johns hopkins study showed that hearing loss can lead to more serious issues, including dementia. it's time to call hearusa

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well, here comes your tea, aunt emma. careful, john, or you'll spill it as you usually do. i haven't spilled anything since i was six years old. dennis: mr. wilson. dennis. you were saying, john? now, look what you've done. i'm sorry, mr. wilson. we're gonna play basketball, and we want you to referee for us. oh, don't be silly. you children don't need a referee.

we cheat. you can even use my whistle if you promise not to get bubblegum in it. dennis, go dribble someplace else. now, wait a minute, john. i'll referee for the children. you, aunt emma? oh, aunt emma, don't be ridiculous. what do you know about basketball? well, i've never played professionally, but i've seen a lot on television. that's okay with me. come on, aunt emma. aunt emma, you are not going. we all have to go sometimes, john. in my case, don't hold your breath. where's aunt emma going? to play basketball. oh, that's-- what? well, actually, she's refereeing and it's all dennis' fault. why? wouldn't he let her play? it's no laughing matter, eloise. i'd better get out there before she breaks some bones. whose?

[music] all right. easy fellas. just--just get me to the couch. i just want to stretch out for a minute. if i don't sit down, i'll fall down. thank you, dennis. thank you, tommy. here's the couch. oh, oh. john, john, what happened? aunt emma flattened him. i was running along minding my own business refereeing when this husband of yours gets in my way. i was standing on the sideline. dennis, tell him. where was he standing? well, i guess his feet were on the sidelines, but mr. wilson's kind of built going forward. does it hurt, dear? it would be easier to say where it doesn't, eloise. oh, well, you just rest there. i'll get a hot towel. oh, you clumsy, clumsy boy. you ought to be ashamed. how do you feel now, mr. wilson? i presume i'll live. thank you, dennis.

you don't look so good to me either, seymour. your eyes are kind of bloodshot, mr. wilson. yeah, and your head's kind of hot. yup, he's going, all right. oh, please. here, dear. ooh, that's hot. john, you act like that's the only head you've got. i better be going home for lunch, dennis. you look awful. oh, you miserable-- jeepers, mr. wilson, maybe we ought to shake your head to make sure nothing's broken inside. thank you, dennis, but right now, i'm happy that it's still attached to my body. it sure was nice of you to referee for us, aunt emma. and i'm glad you didn't get hurt when mr. wilson got in your way. oh, thank you, dennis. uh, dennis, why don't you come visit a crabby old lady sometime? you really want me to?

it does my old bones good to see a bright, athletic little gentleman like you. do you remember what a mess you were at dennis' age? i beg your pardon? come to think of it, you changed remarkably little. well, what are you waiting here for? go on home and get some lunch and come back and visit me. okay. i'll see you all later. goodbye, aunt emma. oh, he's all boy. i like him. i'll call you when lunch is ready, aunt emma. aunt emma: all right, dear. eloise, did you hear what she said? oh, you mean about dennis? oh, i thought she'd like him. eloise, do you suppose aunt emma is so eccentric that she could suddenly become attached to a little boy like dennis and-- john wilson, will you please stop worrying about that money? it isn't about me that i'm worried. i know, dear. but it's silly to worry about me. well, if anything did happen to you,

well, yes, i suppose you-- marry again? eloise, you wouldn't dare? oh. [music] yoo-hoo, aunt emma? i have a surprise for you here. aunt emma? aunt-- oh, hello, dear. what have you there? some of aunt emma's favorite candy. aunt emma? she's next door with dennis, dear. next door with dennis? what's she doing there? well, i don't know. maybe he's throwing her a party. throwing her a party? well, why wasn't i invited? probably because you weren't here. oh.

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ooh ooh... [howling] announcer: for great play ideas, visit www.smallstep.gov. [music] well, who's winning? did you ever see a winner at monopoly look as disgusted as i do? well, aunt emma? don't push me. don't push me.

i guess he's just a chip off the old block. isn't that right, dear? oh, anything you say, dear. and that's what i call "a well-trained wife." a well-trained wife who's going to buy a new hat today. a new hat? dennis: thanks, aunt emma. let me see now. i'll give you a piece of property with two houses on it and then-- there's my apartment house. is that all? and last but not the least, i can give you my farm. aunt emma. john, next time try the door. eloise, are you sure we moved all of my notes out of this desk when we were

imagine aunt emma leaving a diary open for-- for just anyone to see. put it away. oh, that's what i intend to do. listen to this. john. i'm getting fonder and fonder of dear little dennis every day and john is still the clumsiest. he got hit on the head again this afternoon. eloise, she hates me. oh, john. oh, john, nothing. i've got to do something and do it fast or that kid will wind up with aunt emma's money. the way they've been going around together for the last three days, i expect dennis to give her his class pin. but john, dennis is merely being kind to a little old lady. well, that may be so but aunt emma is my little old lady. if dennis wants to be kind to a little old lady, let him find one of his own. dennis: and there's a daddy long legs, and that's a water bug, and there's a dumb old beetle.

simply fascinating. well, how is my favorite aunt doing? oh, hello, john. hi, mr. wilson. hi. are those bugs? of course, not. they are the little people dennis is experimenting with. i can believe it. um, oh dennis, it's nearly 9:00. don't you think-- oh, for heaven's sakes. stop clucking like a nervous housemother. some bug collection, huh? dennis, without a doubt, that is the finest bug collection i have ever seen. have you ever had a bug collection, aunt emma? my dear, i'm sorry to say that a first class bug collection is the one thing that i have missed in my lifetime. oh, that's a shame. hey, there's a pirate movie on television tomorrow night. do you like pirates? well, i've never met any, personally. although, my late husband owned a sword belonging to arman nien, the famous chinese pirate.

it was about this long with real blood on the blade. boy, would i like to see a sword like that. my lawyer has it for safekeeping. he was afraid i'd lose my temper and run somebody through with it. what are those? trading stamps. only 10,000 more books and i can get a yacht. if dennis does get her money, it's unfair to me and those other needy charities of hers. john wilson, just look at you. well-- aunt emma's leaving day after tomorrow. but instead of enjoying her visit, you turned yourself into a nervous wreck over nothing. over nothing? over nothing. for no reason at all, you convinced yourself that aunt emma is going to leave her money to dennis instead of you. and john, you're behaving very badly. [music]

uh, do you mind if i give a kiss? well, if it's something you just gotta do. you're nice, aunt emma, for a woman. oh. that does it. scat, young man, before i get my pirate sword. [music] you know, eloise, you may be right. the idea of aunt emma leaving her loot to dennis is kind of ludicrous, isn't it? here, dear, finish this book for me. all right. let's see. well, at last, you're doing something useful. thank you. incidentally, john, i decided what to do about those charities of mine. you have? i'm bequeathing each one of them a $100 and letting it go at that. are you happier now? well, yes. yes, i am.

good. now, i'm going to my room to write my lawyer about dennis. you see, eloise, it all work-- write her lawyer about dennis? [music] hey, mom. why aren't you asleep, son? i've got a problem. mom, could i get a good hardwearing handkerchief for 68 cents? well, yes. i'd say you could, dear. why? are you expecting a runny nose? no. but aunt emma is leaving for home the day after tomorrow, and i wanna get her a little going-away present. well, that's very thoughtful of you. especially, since 68 cents' don't go on trees for little boys. i don't really wanna get aunt emma any old 68-cent handkerchief. i'm sure aunt emma would like whatever you give her, dear. well, i know what i'd really like to give her. but the trouble is it's mine. and i kinda like it myself.

what would you do, mom, if you were in my shoes? well, i'd say that if you think enough of someone to want to give him or her a gift, the more you like the gift yourself, the more you'll enjoy giving it. yeah. i guess, you're right. and i've got just the gift to enjoy giving to aunt emma. goodnight. goodnight, son. goodnight, dear. you do all this research on a perfect car then smash it into a tree. your insurance company raises your rates. maybe you should have done more research on them. for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. just one of the many features that comes standard with our base policy. call for a free quote today. see car insurance in a whole new light.

hello, dear. hi, mrs. wilson. hi, mr. wilson. yeah. it's you, dennis. hi, dear. hi, aunt emma. oh, what's this? it's a going-away present. apple polisher.

go ahead. open it. oh, shall i? oh, for goodness sake, what is-- your bug collection, and i thought it was something to eat. well, if you're a frog, i guess. why, that's your most treasured possession. i can't accept this. sure you can. you gotta. when you like a person real well, like i do you, you wanna give him something that you like, too, so can enjoy giving it that much more. isn't that right, mr. wilson? that's right, dennis. and everybody knows it's much more fun to give than to receive. isn't that right, mr. wilson? oh, that's right, dennis. i think this is the most wonderful present i've ever had in my life, and i'll never forget you for it. well, i gotta go now and study my arithmetic. goodnight, aunt emma.

all right, dear. goodnight, dear. goodnight, mrs. wilson. goodnight, mr. wilson. goodnight. oh, eloise, i feel terrible. dear, you ought to. now, i think you'd better go in there and talk to her. [music] aunt emma, there's something i-- there's something i-- oh, stop stuttering, john. what is it? aunt emma, i've been thinking. i've been behaving very badly since you've been here and i'm sorry. and i want you to know that i don't want your money. i don't deserve your money. and eloise and i will get along very nicely on what we have. oh, is that so? well, i'm glad you told me. i won't leave you my money as i was planning to.

but that letter to your lawyer about dennis. oh, that. merely instructions to send the child an old pirate sword of mine. then, you weren't going to-- no, john. i wasn't. what am i going to do? i laid awake all night worrying about it. well, you might as well relax, dear. i'm afraid, there's nothing you can do. [doorbell ringing] good morning, mr. wilson. good morning, mrs. wilson. good morning, dear. good morning, aunt emma. aunt emma: oh, good morning, dear. and did you do that arithmetic last night? yes, ma'am. i'm on my way to school now. i'm studying long division. oh, by the way. in a few days, a package is coming for you containing a pirate sword that i was telling you about.

to see it? you're going to get to keep it. to keep it? thanks, aunt emma. wow. did you hear that, mr. wilson? yes, dennis. i think we better get started. as for you, john, you still don't want any of my money, right? that's right. all right, then. i'll leave everything i have to eloise. eloise. oh, john. must you be so clumsy? yes, i'm leaving all my money to eloise. she'll need a nest egg in her old age, having to take care of a clumsy dodo bird like you. aunt emma, that's very generous of you. jeepers, mrs. wilson, if you're gonna get a lot of money, i'll come over and help you count it every night. on account of i'm real good at arithmetic. won't that be fun, mr. wilson?

[music]

- starring barbara billingsley - hugh beaumont - tony dow - and jerry mathers - as the beaver (upbeat flute music) hello. i'm jerry mathers. i was the beaver in "leave it to beaver." a few years later, i was a type 2 diabetic. but i'm not anymore. diabetes causes neuropathy, blindness, and amputation. at its worst, it can kill you. today i want you to have a look at an amazing breakthrough that has stopped diabetes in its tracks for over 200,000 people just like you and me. now you can do the same thing, because it's all spelled out in a very special system called the diabetes solution kit. i urge you to try this all-natural, done-for-you program so you can finally live independent

- hello dear. - hi! what's new? - look, this came for the beaver today. - "master theodore cleaver" you opened his mail! - well when you were in the navy the censors always opened your mail. - well dear, that was war!

(audience laughs) - "mayfield cotillion cordially invites "a series of six dances." - miss prescott is running the dances and they start this saturday afternoon and the boys wear blue suits and white gloves and the little girls are going to be in organdy and they're in the pink room of the hotel. - you sure our beaver belongs in there? they sound like a pretty clean bunch. - larry mondello was the only one of his friends to be invited. - oh. i guess any boys who carry fish bait in their pocket can use a few of the social graces. - oh hi mom, hi dad. - hello wally! - hi wally. say, did you wipe your feet off? - uh-uh. i got my shoes on. (laughs) - oh. - wally, your brother has been invited to the mayfield cotillion dances. - dances? hey, can i be around here when you show him this? - what do you want to be around for? - well, blue suits and white gloves? man, the beaver's going to go right through the ceiling! (audience laughs) - now, wally. - boy, there sure is going to be a lot of yelling

- he was invited and of course he's going to go. - well, ok mom, but on saturday dad, you better be around to drag him. - i'm not going. i don't care what you do to me i'm not going! i don't care if you kill me or give me away to some poor people, i'm not going! - see, i told you he'd blow his top. - never mind wally. now then beaver, do you think for one moment that i'd make you do anything that'd make you unhappy? - sure you would! once when i was a little kid you made me eat eggplant. - look beaver, i'm your mother. do you think i would? - uh-uh, because you told dad i didn't have to eat the eggplant. that means i don't have to go to the cotillion doesn't it? - no, beaver it doesn't mean that. you've been invited to these dances and we think you should go. - beaver i'm sure when you get there you're going to have a very nice time. - well sure beav, when you get to be my age

- that's right beaver, and your friend larry mondello is coming. - no he's not, you're just saying that to make me go. then when i get there larry won't be there. and then they'll shut the doors and they'll lock 'em. and i'll be stuck with all those girls! - look beaver, if you like you can call larry after supper. - oh no he can't. now we've tried to be nice about this and explain very sensibly why you should go to these dances. now it's just one afternoon a week. you're going and we don't want to hear any more about it. - yes, sir. - come on dear, i'll help you with these plates. (sad violin music) - wally, you think when they came back if i started crying it would do any good? - nah, i don't even think it would do you any good

- well hello there! - i hope we're not late mr. cleaver. i wouldn't want to make the boys late for the first dance. - no, beaver is almost ready. - well larry, how nice you look! - say "thank you" larry. - thank you mr. cleaver for saying i look nice. gee ma, you were shoving me all the way up the sidewalk. - now, larry. - beaver, larry's here! - [wally] he'll be right down dad. mom's digging the dirt out of his ears. - thank you wally. well larry, i suppose you had to go through the same thing didn't you? - no, but i had to change my underwear. - larry! - well i did! - well, here we are! - yeah, here we are. - hello mrs. mondello. hello larry. - hello mrs. cleaver. hello beaver. - hello mrs. cleaver. hello theodore.

- where? - you two creeps! - that's enough wally. now then, i want both of you to be very polite today and not make mrs. prescott any trouble. - yes, sir. - yes, sir. - well now if everybody's ready i'll drive you to the hotel. - well gee whiz mom, it's bad enough we gotta go without our mother should drive us. - now larry! - oh, i think it'd be alright if they walked. - well, whatever you say mr. cleaver. - goodbye mrs. cleaver. - goodbye. - goodbye mr. cleaver - goodbye larry. - goodbye mom. - goodbye, so long wally. - [wally] so long beav. - now larry don't spill anything on your clothes! (june sighs) - well, it was quite a struggle but we finally got 'em off.

(clapping) - now, you've all seen the older ones. suppose we younger ones have a try. (slow music playing) - i wish i was dead. - i wish she was. (audience laughs) (snaps fingers)

(snaps fingers) - mr. mondello. - oh. - go ahead kathleen. (snaps fingers) - well, it seems as though we've run out of girls haven't we mr. cleaver? - yeah, should i go sit down? - no, you may ask me for the honor. - oh. may i have the honor? - certainly mr. cleaver!

- i'll say! even the cookies are crummy! boy, just think we've got five more things of these to come to, five whole more saturdays. - not me larry. - what do you mean "not me"? - i'm not coming to another one of these dances as long as i live. i don't care what they do to me, i'm not coming. - yeah, i'm with you beaver, let's shake on it. - never as long as we live. - are you boys enjoying your refreshments?

(upbeat music) - hi dad, what's up? - oh, a light burned out, i'm replacing it. i thought you were spending the day with eddie haskell. - i was, but he got sent up to his room for mumbling at his father.

- his father doesn't know. that's why he sent him to his room. hey, have the fireworks started yet? - what fireworks? - well this is saturday afternoon. beaver is supposed to go to that dance again. - your brother is upstairs getting dressed. there won't be any fuss this week. - yeah, sure dad. - now beaver i've heard enough complaining. you just put that suit on this minute! - uh-uh. i took my bath and i cleaned my ears, but i'm not putting the suit on! - beaver, are you defying me? - uh-uh, i'm just not putting on the suit. - well we'll just get your father up here and see about that. ward! - now then young man, what's the trouble here? - search me dad. i'm just getting ready for dancing school. - hi wally. - hi larry. hey, i thought you guys weren't going to dancing school? - well, we weren't, but my mother called my father

(audience laughs) hey wally, how come they make you wear white gloves in dancing school? - oh, i don't know. i guess they don't want you slobbing up the girls. - hello mrs. cleaver, hello mr. cleaver. hi beaver. - hi larry. - well you fellas better get going. you don't want to be late for the dance. - yes dad. goodbye mom, goodbye dad. - did i make that big a fuss when i had to go to dancing school? - not at all wally. you always used to look forward to it and even come home with ribbons. - boy, i must have been a real square. - hey beaver. - yeah larry? - well let's just let's not go! - gee larry, we can't just let's not go.

didn't we shake hands on it and everything not to go? all we gotta do is ditch it, and they'll think we went! - yeah, but what if a policeman sees two kids walking around in a blue suit? he'll know there's something wrong and he'll start asking us questions. - we don't have to walk around. we can sit behind anderson's barn until it's time to go home! - gee larry, i don't know. - well, look beaver, i even brought bologna sandwiches. one for you and one for me. - there's no bologna in mine. - oh. must have fell out. how 'bout it beaver? - well ok. hey, where'd you get this neat idea, - i thought it up this morning

- i thought you were going to clean out the fireplace. - well i was, but then i got to thinking about it and i decided i liked a fireplace that looked lived in. - i think you're just lazy. - i guess you're right. - i think i'm going to call mrs. prescott at the dancing school. - she won't clean your fireplace for you. - i thought i'd call up and see how beaver's doing. he went out of here so unhappy maybe something's wrong. - oh no dear, i wouldn't do that, he objects enough already. i wouldn't want him singled out for any special attention. - i suppose so. i wish he'd take a happier attitude about it. - oh, i wouldn't worry about it. he probably puts up as much fuss as he does because he thinks its expected of him. right now he's probably foxtrotting madly in the arms of some sultry nine-year-old. - hey, you want another hunk of meat?

- yeah, i think so. (audience laughs) here, half for you and half for me. see? isn't this better than dancing with girls? - anything is better than dancing with girls. - hey look beav. there's a kid on a horse! - hi kid. - hi yourself! - hey kid, are you a boy or a girl? - i'm a girl! you wanna make something of it? - no, we just never saw a girl that looked like you before. - hey, you're all dressed up.

- we know. - is that your horse? - yeah. his name's whiskers. - are those real cowboy boots? - sure! i'm gonna be a cowboy when i grow up! - how can you be a cowboy if you're a girl? - dale evans is a cowboy and she's a girl. - oh, that kind of a cowboy. - yeah! hey, you wanna ride whiskers? - i don't know if we should. - you're not chicken are ya? - of course we're not chicken! go ahead beaver, show her we're not chicken! - you go first and then me. - you both can go together. - gee, that's an awful tall horse.

- hey look beav, i'm a cowboy! come on beaver, there's lots of room up here. - how do you make him go? - come on whiskers. - boy larry, isn't this neat? - yeah beav! - wally, you're cleaning the fireplace! - yeah. dad's making me do it for 50 cents. - well wally, how are we coming? - "how are we coming"? - oh, i'm just teaching the boy the value of a dollar. - he's teaching me the value of 50 cents. (audience laughs) - dear, i just called mrs. mondello and when beaver and larry get back from dancing school i thought we oughta ask larry to stay for supper. - well, i think they're entitled to a little reward.

- thanks a lot kid - that's ok. - if you're really a girl, you're the neatest girl i ever saw. - you guys are ok too, well, so long. - hey larry we got a little dirty. - where? oh there, how do i look now? - you look alright. we better be getting home now. - yeah, that crummy dance should be just about over by now. - you know larry, if i ever get married i'm going to marry a girl with a horse. - yeah, me too. - hey dad, what's community property? - well community property means that your mother owns half of everything i earn or own. - what a gyp! no wonder women get married! - what was that? what are you two talking about? - oh, we were just discussing the exalted position

- yeah mom. you sure got it made. - what have you been telling him? - not a thing dear, not a thing. oh, the doorbell's ringing. - i'll get it dad. - hi wally. - hi wally. - hi. hey larry, you're staying for dinner. hey, where you two guys been? - just to dancing school. - yeah? - hi, dad. - hello mr. cleaver. - well, well. june, fred astaire and gene kelly are home! - is your father making a joke? - yeah, i think so. - well, how was dancing school? - just fine mrs. cleaver! wasn't dancing school just fine beaver? - oh yeah! dancing school was just fine! - beaver, your suit, it's all wrinkled and messed up. - well, they played some pretty fast numbers mrs. cleaver.

(slow music punctuated by trumpets) all right boys, don't you think it'd be a good idea if i called mrs. prescott and had a little talk with her? - oh no sir, i don't think that'd be a good idea at all. mr. cleaver. - all right then, suppose you tell us where you've been today? - yes boys, your father and i would like to know. - well, first of all, we didn't go to dancing school. - yeah, i didn't think you could get that kind of smell from dancing. - well, where were you? - well, you see, we were going to dancing school, but then we decided to eat bologna sandwiches behind anderson's barn and then this kid came along and he was a nice kid and he had a horse

go to dancing school and so we came home and said we'd been to dancing school and that's how come we smell. (audience laughs) - is that right larry? - yes, sir, except the kid that had this horse was a girl. - well this is downright disobedience, i don't know. to pretend that you were going to dancing school and then spend the whole afternoon ruining your clothes riding an old horse! i'm ashamed of you and i'm disappointed! both of you! - dad. - what? - does this mean larry can't stay for supper? - i'll take the extra plate off. - well how are we coming up here? - well i've been working on him for over an hour dad.

- beaver, that was a very sneaky thing you did today. - well i know dad, but dancing school was just awful. i had to get all dressed up and then i had to even dance with the teacher and i just hated the whole thing, but you and mom wouldn't listen to me and you made me go anyway. - well beaver, i'm afraid we're going to have to make you do other things you don't like, but i'm sure you'll thank us for them later. i don't expect you to understand that son, but i do expect you to trust us and do the things we ask with as much good grace as possible. - well sure beav, even when your parents are hitting ya, they're just trying to help. (audience laughs) - yeah, i guess most parents do like their kids a little bit. - i think they like them a lot more than a little bit beaver. (mischievous music) hi, folks. i'm matt mccoy. for people as experienced as you and me... [ tires screech ]

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- hey larry, what happened to you saturday on account of ditching dancing school? - well, first i had to take a bath. - me too. - and then my mom said a lot of stuff about me being an ungrateful son and all that junk, and then i started crying and then she felt sorry for me and gave me supper. - yeah, outside of taking an extra bath i got off pretty easy too. well, i'm going to dancing school next week even if i have to dance with mrs. prescott. - yeah, me too. - you know larry, we oughta go back to anderson's barn someday and meet that girl with that horse again. - no, it wouldn't be any good. well we'd have our regular old dirty clothes on

and even if she did, it wouldn't be any fun again because we wouldn't be ditching anything. - yeah. i guess that's the kinda day you can only have once.

starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont, tony dow, and jerry mathers as the beaver. - no, larry, beaver isn't around here anywhere. you pay your car insurance premium like clockwork. month after month. year after year. then one night, you hydroplane into a ditch. yeah... surprise... your insurance company tells you to pay up again. why pay for insurance if you have to pay even more for using it? if you have liberty mutual deductible fund , you could pay no deductible at all.

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i'll tell him you called. bye. - what that for me? - no, it was larry mondello. it's the second time he's called this morning looking for beaver. - oh. well i haven't seen him since breakfast. i heard a door slam about half an hour ago, but i thought it was you

- beaver's not up in his room, mom. maybe he went across the street again to watch little benji eat snails. - wally, i just had breakfast. - oh. yeah, sure dad. - [june] ward? i wonder why beaver didn't tell us where he was going. - i remember when i was a kid, if you told your folks what you were going to do, it took half the fun out of doing it. (audience laughs) - [boy] ok, beav. raise your right hand. - i, theodore cleaver, promise to be a loyal member of the bloody five. and only go around with other bloody five guys as long as i live. - and not to squeal! - oh yeah, and not to squeal on 'em, even if i get killed for it. - ok, beaver. you're now a genuine member of the club. and where's your 25 cents? - here, harold. - come on, let's go. - it sure was neat of you guys to make me a member.

- oh, sure. hey, when are you guys gonna initiate larry? - we're not askin' larry. this club's just for neat guys. - well i wish you'd take him. - look, i thunk up the bloody five, and if i say larry's not gettin' in it, he's not gettin' in it! - come on. (ripping) - why larry, what are you doing in here? - tearing up a rag. - well you're not going to spend the whole day doing that, are you? - i just might. - did you find out where beaver was? - yeah, i'm pretty sure what he was doin', the rat! - oh stop that, larry! you're making me nervous! - yeah, just about everything i do makes you nervous. - [mrs. mondello] now larry, what happened between you and beaver? - well, harold and some of the other guys at school thought up a club, and they were whisperin',

and joined! that's why the rat wasn't home! - all those boys are going to be very sorry someday when you're head of a big company. (audience laughs) - sure they are. but in the meantime, what am i gonna do on my weekends? (audience laughs) (rips) (rips) - what's that? - oh i uh, drained the bottom of the hot water heater. - what for? - well you have to do that once in a while, they rust out. - oh! when'd you pick up that bit of information? - last year when the old one rusted out. (audience laughs) oh uh, say, did beaver show up yet? - yes, he came home a few minutes ago. - did you tell him to always let us know where he's going? - i did, and he told me that he was going upstairs. don't put that rusty water on my flowers! - ah, it's good for 'em, dear. - boy, beaver! the bloody fives!

- well sure, there's only kids in it. - anyway, why did you go and join a club without your pal larry? - the guys said larry wasn't a neat enough guy. - boy, it sure is a dirty trick to do to him. - i didn't think so this morning. but on the way home i started to think so. - well what are you gonna do if he comes around? - well, maybe if he comes around, he won't say anything. if he doesn't say anything, i won't say anything. and if neither one of us says anything, it'll be all right! (audience laughs) - boy beaver, you're goofy! - [june] beaver? larry's here! - uh-oh. he probably came over to sock ya. - thanks a lot, wally. be right down, mom!

- hey larry, what are you doin' with that paper bag on your head? - oh, i forgot i was still wearin' my secret hood. - what's that funny lookin' thing on your arm? - oh! that's my super secret armband that nobody's supposed to see. (audience laughs) i just came over to tell ya that i can't see ya today on account of we got a big meeting at my house. - you belong to some kind of club? what's the name of it? - the fiends. but i can't tell you any more on account of i already spilled too many secrets and they might put the secret curse on me! - gee! i'll be seeing ya sometime, larry. - oh, i better put on my secret hood, in case there's spies around.

- hey, did larry sock ya? - uh-uh. we didn't even get to talk about him bein' sore at me. - well, what did you talk about? - well larry belongs to the neatest club i ever heard of. - well, tough luck. - boy i'd sure like to be a fiend. - how can you be a fiend when you're already swore yourself up to be a bloody five? - well i'm just gonna have to go over there, and get myself unswored. (audience laughs) - where have you been? - out. i dropped wally off over on grant avenue.

- oh. is marty a boy or a girl? - well judging by the way wally was combing his hair all the way over in the car, i suspect that marty is a girl. - did beaver go with you? - yeah, i let him out at metzger's field. said he was meeting harold and some of the other boys. - is harold the one with the snakes? - no, i think harold's the one whose father went to school with rod cameron.n. (audience laughs) i wonder what's happened with larry. he and beaver are always together. - well he was over this morning with a paper bag on his head and i haven't seen him since. - beaver had a piece of paper in his hand when i let him out at the vacant lot. maybe he drew up a map and they're digging for buried treasure or something. - [harold] i, beaver cleaver, resign myself from the bloody five on account of i don't wanna belong to the blood fives. yours truly, theodore cleaver. - [whitey] gee beaver, you mean you're quittin'? - how come?

- uh-uh. well, i'm makin' myself. - what a crummy trick. after we gave you the secret oath and the password and everything! - yeah. this afternoon i thought up a whole lot of neat stuff for us to do. - come on beaver, don't be a quitter. - [harold] let him go, whitey. he doesn't wanna stay, let him quit. but any bloody five who ever speaks to the beaver again, is gonna be thrown outta the club. - that's all right with me. - that's ok with us, too. now hurry up and beat it! - i'll beat it, but i won't hurry up and beat it. (audience laughs) - boy, what a creep. - yeah, what a creep. - yeah, it's funny though, this morning he was a real neat guy.

- hi dad! - i thought i just let you out over at marty's house. - yeah dad, that's right. he wasn't home, though.

i thought marty was a girl. you were combing your hair all the way over there. - uh-uh. his sister's a girl. but she wasn't home, either. - [june] well hello wally, are you home? - yeah. i thought i'd just kinda hang around the house today. - well this is something. a teenager staying home on a saturday. - well, the way i figure it, when i'm in the army dodging missiles and stuff, this'll give you somethin' to remember me by. - that's very thoughtful, wally. isn't it, ward? - yes. besides, marty's sister isn't home. - uh, i saw beaver hotfootin' it over to larry's. - well he starts out for harold's and winds up at larry's. - yeah, well, you know how kids are. they can't stick to one thing for over ten minutes. (audience laughs) (phone ringing) i'll get it. hello? huh? yeah. yeah, ok. sure.

i'll see ya. - where are you going? - back over to marty's. he just got back. (audience laughs) - well, we had a nice day with our son, didn't we? - look, larry, i already quit the bloody five. you just gotta let me join up with the fiends. - gee, i don't know, beaver. - what do you mean you don't know? at my house you said you were having a big secret club meeting over here today and everything. - i don't know if the other guys would want you to be a fiend. - well, you could at least let 'em look at me and then decide! - well, maybe they wouldn't even want to look at ya! - are you sure you're having a meetin' down in your cellar? it's awful quiet. - well, that's cause it's a secret meetin' and we all talk with secret signals. - listen, larry. either you're gonna join me up

or i'm never gonna speak to you again as long as i live. - all right, beaver. don't get sore. i'll take ya down to the basement. but i'm gonna have to blindfold ya. - how come? - well if the guys didn't take you into the fiends, and you already saw who the fiends were, you'd know too much, and they might have to kill you! - yeah, that's right. (audience laughs) - sit here, beaver. be quiet. i gotta call the secret meeting to order. (clanging) the meeting will now come to order. quiet down you guys by the furnace! (audience laughs) that's better. fellow fiends, this here is beaver cleaver, and i want you should vote on him

stand up beaver, so the fiends can see you. now turn around so the guys in back can see you. ok now sit down. all in favor of makin' beaver a fiend, say aye. all opposed say no. the ayes have it. - i didn't hear anything, larry. - well that's cause they're givin' secret signals, ya dope. ok beav, you're a member. now let's go. - hey larry, well i didn't get to meet the guys. - well, you'll get to meet 'em at the next meeting. it's the rule. - i didn't think there was anybody here, larry. - but gee, beaver!

you've got no club at all! - well you did a rattier thing by joining the bloody fives without me! - they didn't want you in the bloody fives cause you weren't a neat enough guy! - i'm as neat as a guy as you are! - you are not! - i am too! - [mrs. mondello] larry! are you boys fighting down there? - um no, mom. no, we're just playin' a game. - [mrs. mondello] that's fine, but don't make all that noise. - yes, mom. (whispering) rat rat rat rat! - crumb crumb crumb! - rat! - crumb! - rat! - crumb! - rat! - crumb! - rat! - rat! - rat! - crumb! - rat! - crumb! - well i'm sorry to bother you, mrs. mondello, but i thought beaver might still be over there. - oh he left quite a while ago. he and larry had a wonderful time playing in the basement. - i think it's so nice that the two of them are such good friends. you know, beaver just thinks the world of larry. - oh yes. i think if his sister just had some of larry's charm,

(audience laughs) uh, yes. well goodbye, mrs. cleaver. - [mrs. mondello] i just talked to mrs. cleaver, and i told her beaver's on his way home. - i hope that crummy beaver falls in manhole and a big alligator in the sewer eats him up! (audience laughs) - why, larry! - why beaver! i just called larry's house. - that larry's no good! he's a big dumb stupid dope with no brains! and i'm gonna hate him forever. evev when he's big dumb stupid old man! (audience laughs) - [june] why, beaver! - [ward] wally! would you come down here? - [wally] ok dad, i'll be right there! - do you think wally knows what this is all about with larry? - i don't know, but i can't get anywhere with beaver.

and he accused me of being on larry's side. - [wally] did you want me to do something, dad? - no, your father just wants to find out what you know about the trouble between larry and beaver. - oh, uh, well um, i think they're mad at each other. - wally, we know that. we wanna know why they're mad at each other. - well gee dad, i'm goin' to the movies tonight and if i get mixed up in a big beef here, i'm liable to miss the first show. - you're not gonna get mixed up in any big beef. - wally, look. if you know what the trouble is, i wish you'd please tell us. - well, the beaver joined the bloody fives, and they wouldn't take larry. so larry told beaver that he belonged to the fiends. so beaver quit the bloody fives to join the fiends. but larry was only makin' up the fiends, so they got mad at each other, and i didn't have anything to do with it. (audience laughs) - thank you, wally. - well, i'll be home early. i gotta stop by marty's house first. - are you gonna take marty's sister to the movies?

but i can't help it if marty's sister just happens to come along. (audience laughs) well uh, you know how it is. (ward laughs) - ward? i don't like the idea of boys beavers age forming clubs to keep other boys out. - well i don't like it either, dear. and i think i ought to tell him so. but i don't want to go up there and just, you know, make a lecture out of it. - remember when beaver was a little fellow? you used to solve all his problems while you gave him a bath. (ward chuckles) - yeah you can really make contact with your son while you're scrubbing his back. - what takes the place of back scrubbing, dear? - well, i suppose i could just go up there and level with him. but it sounds so corny. beaver, you take your bath? - i wasn't dirty all over, so i just washed my feet in the sink. (audience laughs) - it's been a long time since i gave you a bath.

- come to think of it, it's been a long time since i told you a story. - yeah, i guess there's a lot of things it's been a long time since you did 'em. - well you know, i think i'll tell you one tonight. - well, i guess that'd be ok. - well beav uh, this is a story about something that happened in france. oh, in the olden days. - before you were married to mom? - oh it sure is a long time before that. anyway, there was this big village full of people. and they all worked together, and well they just got along together fine, until one day, a small group of them decided to build a castle. - well, a big castle? - oh yes, it had a drawbridge and towers and a big moat around it. - just like disneyland, huh dad? - yeah. well anyway, the people who built this castle wouldn't let the other people come into it.

so they all started building castles of their own. and the first thing you know, instead of a nice, friendly village, there were six castles. and the people in one castle wouldn't talk to the people in the others. and they wouldn't work together and they wouldn't help each other. they just all stayed behind their big, thick castle walls and kept other people out. - did they yell bad words at each other? - well i suppose they did, beaver. but the day came when they learned their lesson, because an invader came down from the north. and because the people were divided and not banded together, and suspicious of each other, the invader was able to capture all six of those castles, one by one. - is that all, dad? - that's all, beaver.

those castles were like clubs? - yes, i am. beaver, i don't think it was right for you to join a club where the other fellows kept larry out. - but whitey said that was the only reason for havin' a secret club. so you could keep other guys out. - oh no, beaver. that's the worst reason in the world. see, it's all right to band together to help each other, but when people divide up into small groups just to hurt others, sooner or later they're gonna wind up like those people in the castles. - yeah, dad. larry was hurt, so he wanted to hurt me. - well i'm glad you see what it can lead to, beaver. - thanks for telling me this story, dad. even if i did learn somethin'. - goodnight, son. - goodnight, dad. dad? maybe sometime when i'm real dirty, you could help me take a bath again. (audience laughs)

- well, did you explain to him about clubs? - no, i explained to him about castles. - castles? - well sure, you know a better way to get a little guy's attention? - oh. - i wonder what people who live in castles tell tir children to get their interest. - probably stories about levittown. (laughing) - [wally] hey beaver? attention people with hearing loss. what i'm about to tell you could change your life. does your hearing loss have you feeling left out? are you finding it harder to hear the tv or telephone? are you afraid you might not hear an alarm or intruder? if left untreated, your hearing loss can get significantly worse. a recent johns hopkins study showed that hearing loss can lead to more serious issues, including dementia. it's time to call hearusa and get a complete hearing checkup

and, aarp members receive expert advice and can purchase digital hearing aids as low as $795 each. i sure wish i hadn't waited so long. i hear so clearly now. i'm back to myself again. if you call hearusa now you'll even get a risk-free 90-day trial,backed by a 100% satisfaction guarantee. don't wait another minute call this toll-free number

are you still awake? - well sure. what do you think i am, a kid or somethin'? did you like the movie, wally? - nah, that double crossing marty didn't bring his sister. - you should've stayed home. there was a real neat story about castles and people conquering 'em and all that stuff. - yeah? on television? - no, dad told it to me. - well how come? - so i'd know how dumb it is to have clubs for keepin' guys out. - yeah. you know you're not allowed to have clubs like that in high school. - why not? - mr. haller says we don't have enough education to be snobs yet. hey beav? are you gonna make up with larry? - gee, larry and i don't need to do that. tomorrow i'll just say, "hi larry!" and he'll say, "hi beaver!"

and we'll forget all about hatin' each other. - yeah. - [beaver] hey wally? i left the water in the sink if you wanna wash your feet.

darrin: sam, what are you doing? my folks specifically asked that you didn't go to any trouble. after all, you've only been home from the hospital a week. oh, sweetheart, i'm feeling fine, and i'm just making a few little appetizers. i have to serve them something. well, you know how they are. they don't want to feel like they're imposing. [ ding! ] unlike some members of your family, who shall go nameless. samantha my darling, how are you? just fine, mother. it's a pleasure to see you, endora, and it's a shame you can't stay. and how is my adorable new grandson? thriving. and darrin is talking to you. who? oh, i'm sorry, i didn't see you, derwood. thanks, and the name is darrin. that's your problem. now, stop it, both of you. no, it's all right, my dear. i only came to see my grandson and warn you about something. but if that's his attitude... [ ding! ] w-warn us about what?!

he's coming to see his new grandson. when? today. what? and now that i've delivered my message, i think i'll toddle along. i don't want to be around when maurice finds out. finds out what? that you didn't name the baby after him. but we did! frank maurice stephens. oh, samantha, you have a delicious sense of humor. do you think for one second your father will take second billing to anyone? mother... hmm? ...dear... you're the only one who can handle daddy. won't you please stay? are you kidding? my folks are gonna be here in less than an hour. they are? sam. oh, sweetheart, now, don't worry. once daddy arrives, no one will dare pay attention to anything else. you sure know how to relax a guy.

[ ding! ] [ tinkles ] [ ding! ]

oh. [ chuckles ] aw, there's my little beauty.

but he has darrin's eyes. ah, yes, but that will change if we're lucky. [ doorbell rings ] that's my folks. uh, endora, wouldn't you just love to go upstairs and watch tabitha while she's napping? no, i wouldn't miss seeing your mother for the world. that's what i was afraid of. oh. [ door opens ] hi, mom, dad. hello, darling. how are you, dear? samantha, how are you doing? sam, you look fabulous! why, thank you. oh, yes, you would never think, to look at you, that, uh -- oh. you remember my mother. of course. how are you? frank: how nice to see you again. oh, it's a pleasure to see you, too. [ chuckles ] samantha, do you think it's wise to have so many visitors when you've just come home from the hospital? darrin: well, actually, samantha's mother just dropped in unexpectedly. uh-huh.

oh, thank you. come on. come on in. oh, you brought the baby down here! hello, precious. oh, what a darling. [ sighs ] he's the exact replica of you, darrin. he sure is. oh, this is adorable! thank you! just a little token. actually, i'm putting a nice block of stock in little frank's name. who? oh, frank, the baby. well, that's very generous of you, but you really shouldn't. why not? uh... after all, nothing is too good for my namesake. [ chuckling ] oh. would you think it too inquisitive of me if i asked what you brought for the baby? yes. but i'll show it to you anyway. [ ding! ] [ chuckles ]

oh, isn't that sweet. did you grow it yourself, or did you just throw caution to the winds and buy it? for your information, this is no ordinary flower. naturally. the gift of beauty, i give to thee. sweet as this flower shall you be. beauty is yours in mind and sight, from baby's breath to the end of night. aw, mother, that was lovely. thank you. [ chuckles ] i don't understand. oh, well, um, it's an old custom in our family... sort of symbolic. my mother's gift is the hope that the baby will grow up to love beautiful things.

[ thunder rumbling ] sounds like a storm is coming up. you can say that again. uh, mom, dad, come out on the patio. have i got something to show you. what is it? uh, this. i planted this the day the baby was born. well, it's very nice, but why all the urgency? [ thunder rumbling ] samantha my darling, how are you? daddy. daddy, i just want to warn you, darrin's parents are here. well, why are you warning me? you should be warning them. oh, you too, endora. my cup runneth over. excuse me.

y-you've met my father. you remember mr. and mrs. stephens. maurice: how do you do? well, hello, how nice to see you again. samantha, you look just as radiant -- as radiant as a daughter of mine should look. congratulations to you... and, uh, dustbin. you mean darrin. if you insist. ah, there he is. look at that tiny, flickering smile. oh, daddy, babies don't smile when they're less than 2 weeks old. they do if he says so. aren't you going to ask me what i brought as a gift? no. i-i-i mean it isn't polite to ask. oh, do tell us what it is. here we are. [ ding! ] hear these words,

with this flower, i do shed the gift of laughter on thy head. thank you, daddy. if it doesn't fit, you can exchange it. that was very nice. however, it seems that you and endora are hoping that little frank grows up to be a florist. [ laughs ] the acoustics must be faulty in here. for a moment, i thought i heard you call the baby "frank." the baby's name is frank, after my father. b-but his middle name is maurice. [ thunder rumbling ] his middle name, eh? [ sarcastically ] that is very flattering.

daddy, please, we can't afford any more of your enthusiasm. excuse us. w-w-what was that all about? about $150, the way i figure it. actually, it was just some kind of an earth tremor. daddy, it's nothing personal. it's just a mortal custom. the first boy is usually named after the husband or the husband's father. foolish custom, my dear. it's like a bad egg -- it's better to break it than keep it. oh, that's very good, daddy. [ laughs ] i think this calls for an open discussion without the presence of your in-laws. but they just got here. as far as i'm concerned,

oh, daddy, please, be reasonable. this is their first visit since we brought the baby home, and, really, how can i get them to leave? i'm glad you asked that. [ ding! ] ohh! frank. frank, i think it's time for us to go. you getting one of your headaches? i'm getting something. darrin, tell samantha we're leaving. oh, there you are. we have to go, samantha. we have to! oh, what a shame. well, it's been very nice seeing all of you, and i hope sometime we can -- please, frank, let's not dawdle. oh, we'll see you to the car. endora, i don't think you'll find this very entertaining, so if you care to leave... why, maurice, are you telling me to get out? certainly not, my dear. i was merely suggesting, if you have something better to do,

and if i choose not to? endora, how would you like a little trip to mars? oh, it's so dead up there this time of year. yes, but you'll liven it up. well, if you put it that way, i'm off. [ ding! ] [ footsteps approaching ] where's mother? she's just remembered something she'd rather not do. well, now we've got rid of everybody, we can discuss this calmly and rationally. just a minute. i'm beginning to get the picture. did you do something to my mother to make her act that way? why your mother acts the way she does is strictly between her and her maker. you know what i mean. you put a spell on her to get her to leave. i did? didn't you? i did. i don't get it. we waited all week to see the baby, and we weren't there 15 minutes and you wanted to leave. what got into you?

there's nothing more to be said. oh, yeah, well -- apparently, that isn't going to stop you from saying it. daddy... darrin is absolutely right. it wasn't fair for you to do that to his mother. oh, stop this eternal bickering! [ ding! ] where are we going? where do you think? home. but this is ridiculous. i waited all week to see the baby, and all we did was say hello. frank, what's gotten into you? you know why you and darrin clash, don't you? because you're both so much alike. you're both men who refuse to compromise. oh, "how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child"! you dare to compare your father with this papier-m ch\ mortal,

i'll put him where he belongs. [ ding! ] what did you do with him?! darrin: sam! [ gasps ] get me out of here! oh, my stars! don't you worry, sweetheart, i'll have you out of there in five seconds. daddy, i'm going to count to three, and by that time, i want darrin out of there. one...two...three.

hello, samantha, we're back. phyllis wants to apologize for leaving so abruptly.

well, aren't you going to let us in? oh [chuckles] of course, i-i didn't realize that was why you... oh, is your wife gone? gone, but the memory lingers on. where's darrin? huh? oh, well, something came up unexpectedly, and he had to leave. oh. what's that? oh, do you like it? darrin had it done just recently. i-it's something new, yes. it projects your image into a mirror. why, that's sensational! i never saw anything so lifelike. you know, it's the strangest thing. the eyes seem to be following you. oh, well, that's part of the effect. one of my father's inventions.

i didn't know you were interested in photography. i'm a jack-of-all-trades. oh. frank. yes? i just saw him move. oh, phyllis, take a pill. i think you and i should have a little talk. do you know i had just the same idea? i'm always on the lookout for a good investment. let me ask you some questions. now, when did you take out the patent for this process? oh, many, many years ago. i tell you, this is just what i've been looking for. tell me something, frank. uh, by the way, is that short for franklin? no, no, just plain frank. ah, an appellation you have to share with the lowly hot dog. still, it's a good, simple, unadorned name. yeah, well, it suits me. down to the ground.

well, um, he's sort of retired...like mr. stephens. i hope he enjoys it more. ah-choo! look at that. what? darrin's picture. what about it? frank? yes? i want to go home. excuse me. what is it now? i finally got that headache i was expecting. daddy, i want you to get darrin out of there this minute, or i'll -- i, uh... i don't know what. all you have to do is to ask. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] see? thanks... for nothing.

daddy, wait a minute. what suddenly made you decide to give in? i had a nice little talk with your father-in-law, and he volunteered he'd rather not have the baby named after him. sure, you had a nice little talk and put him under a nice little spell. on my word of honor, i swear i did nothing of the sort. your word of what? darrin. why doesn't he want the baby named after him? because he doesn't want the baby called "little frank" all his life. yeah, that always did bug dad. well, it seems we're a united family once more... so to speak. well, before i take off, i'll just go up and kiss little maurice goodbye. actually, as long as we don't have to name the baby frank, there is a name i'm very fond of... adam. that was my great-grandfather's name. adam was your great-grandfather?

adam, huh? adam -- adam stephens. no, no, i don't like it. why not? i don't know, i just don't like it. fine, you've expressed your opinion, and now you can keep out of it, or i'll put you back in that mirror permanently. well, i guess i'm outvoted. first sensible thing you've said today, dolphin. now, i'll just pop up and say goodnight to little adam. [ ding! ] that was very clever of you, sweetheart. i knew if i said i liked the name, he'd hate it just to be disagreeable. you see, you worry too much. everything turned out just fine, didn't it? [ sarcastically ] oh, sure. my mother's home with a nervous breakdown, i almost freeze to death in a mirror, and my father thinks he's gonna make a million dollars with a nonexistent invention. but, for your family, everything turned out fine. sweetheart, the important thing is, everything turned out all right for our family. well, when you put it that way, who can argue?

ah, hi, sam. hi, darrin. how's mom? oh, she's fine. i gave her an ice bag for her head, and she's happy. well, if it isn't my big little girl. hello, sweetie. [ chuckles ] how do you like your new baby brother? fine. we're not gonna change him. she means we're going to keep him. oh. [ chuckles ] isn't that cute. [ chuckles ] hilarious. tabitha, why don't you run upstairs and keep the baby company? i'll be up in a minute. [ chuckling ] yes, good idea. see you later. i just talked to this fella that i know. he is the head of the number-one photo outfit of the country, and i was telling him about this new process that sam's father has invented. yeah, well -- you know, he wouldn't believe me.

what happened to it? that's what i was trying to tell you. tell him, sam. well, um, actually, that's one of the problems with my father's invention. it fades. yeah, fades. he never mentioned that to me. oh, he's very sensitive about that. yeah, sensitive. well, this is very embarrassing. what am i gonna say to this fella? he's the head of the number-one photo outfit of the country. well, um, why don't you just tell him you decided to deal with number two because they try harder? [ chuckles ] hey, that's not a bad idea. no, i'll think of something. [ door closes ]

-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com oh, mommy, it's beautiful. i'll be the most beautiful princess on the whole bl well, i certainly hope so! every other child on the block's a boy. am i going to have a crown? yes, as soon as daddy's shirts come back from the laundry. daddy's shirts? yes, i need the cardboard out of them to make your crown. oh. then i'm gonna get some sparkle paint, and i'll put lots of jewels and things on it. boo! ohh! oh, my goodness! did i scare you? yeah. a witch that looks like that would scare anybody. would i get more treats if i go treat-or-treating as an ugly, old witch? oh, probably. but you and i know that witches don't look like that. they're just the same as everybody else... almost. i don't know why we just don't tell everyone we're witches. then they'll find out what wonderful, nice people we are.

people don't really think there are such things as witches. so we'll just have to keep our little secret, okay? okay. [ ding! ] mommy, can i wear this crown instead of the cardboard one? [ sighs ] mother! [ ding! ] what makes you think i did that? it could have been something she ate. just send it back where it came from. ohh. [ ding! ] i don't see why a granddaughter of mine should have to wear a crown made of shirt cardboard and sparkle paint. don't you worry, sweetheart. you're gonna have a beautiful crown. samantha... samantha, what's the meaning of all this? mother, you know perfectly well that those are halloween costumes -- perfectly harmless and unrealistic. and discriminatory against a minority group. you, of all people!

i think maybe grandmama would like to have a little talk. samantha... will you please explain the meaning of these dunce caps and these hideous masks? well, mother, it's all for a good cause. i'm helping out on the trick-or-treat for unicef committee, and i was just making some of the costumes for the neighborhood kids. oh, that's a tawdry excuse! i know very well who's behind this. it's derwood! he's brainwashed you! easy, mother. darrin will hear you. darrin: i heard her. i heard her. there's more. there's more. i absolutely refuse to let my daughter participate in this barbaric mortal holiday that has maligned our image for centuries! mother, may i remind you that i am perfectly free to do whatever i wish? you took your vows for better or for worse, and you certainly are getting the worst. now, just a minute, endora -- darrin, you must realize that mother tends to get a little upset -- upset?! upset? i'm not upset. i'm incensed!

would participate in depicting your own kind as toothless, old hags with scraggly eyebrows and stringy hair and an evil cackle -- don't forget the wart on the end of a long, crooked nose... ugh! ...that she keeps sticking into everybody else's business. samantha, i will not stand here and be insulted by something that's 90% water. oh -- oh, yeah, well, how about something that's 100% hot air? will you please tell what's-his-name he's finally pushed me too far? she says you've finally -- samantha, will you please tell madame defarge that you happen to be my wife and that tabitha happens to be my daughter, and if we choose to celebrate halloween tomorrow night and every other night of the week, it's our business, and she has nothing to say about it! [ ding! ]

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endora: toothless, old hags, are we, with warts and scraggly eyebrows and stringy hair? [ laughs ] good morning, darrin. good morning. bartenbach's on his way up, so let's give him the glad hand and the big smile. what's the matter with you? nothing, nothing. darrin, there's no reason for you to be glum. i've gone over this presentation from cover to cover, and i want to tell you it's beautiful. thank you very much, larry. i'm glad you liked it. i'm sure bartenbach likes it as much as i do. good, good. darrin, are you all right? no. trouble at home? no. no, it's just... i have this toothache. [ intercom buzzes ]

oh, send him in. send him in. i'm sorry about the tooth, but you know how important this account is, so it's mind over matter, okay, old boy? now, let's give him a big smile. mr. bartenbach, come in! come in! good morning, tate. stephens. good morning. good morning. good to see you again, mr. bartenbach. i don't know what you two have to smile about. it can't have anything to do with this presentation. it's a bummer. that's exactly the word that i was passing along to stephens here when you came in, mr. bartenbach... a bummer. [ mumbling ] don't argue, stephens. mr. bartenbach knows what he wants. i certainly do. suppose you tell us what that is. well, i don't pay mcmann & tate to pick my brain. of course not. i just thought we might expedite.

the alternate presentation. right. i'll go home and start work on those right now. uh, just tell mr. bartenbach what you -- somebody around here better start working on them, or i'm taking my business elsewhere. i'm sure that won't be necessary, mr. bartenbach. mcmann & tate will come through for you. you just leave it to us. betty, i'm going to work at home the rest of the day. yes, sir. [ ding! ]

endora: you didn't think i'd forget the wart on the long, crooked nose she sticks in everybody's business? [ laughs ] [ ding! ] well, samantha? i see you're still determined to perform this treacherous folly. mother, don't over-dramatize. derwood had to learn a lesson, and he's fortunate to have me to teach it to him. what have you done?

why don't you get back to your little hallow and i'll get back to mine. [ ding! ] mother? don't you go too far. sam! [ sighs ] [ gasps ] boy... did you go too far. your mother has gone too far. [ chuckles nervously ] funny. i-i was just saying that. where is she? i'd like to speak to her. [ ding! ] why, derwood, i didn't know you cared. endora, i want you to know that this time i'm fully aware i am responsible for your irascible behavior. [ laughs ] and, endora, i do owe you an apology. for years, mortals have projected witches in... this image. [ laughs ]

well, i-i-i must say i... i don't know what to say. um, you -- you don't have to say anything. just do it. oh, yes. yes, of course. [ ding! ] on the other hand, it was wholly within my province to remind you that you have no business sticking your nose into the affairs of my family. i-i-it's a matter of integrity. he had a point to make. well, he didn't have to make it with my nose. [ ding! ] oh, mother, no. i fully expected that. now if you'll both excuse me, i have some important work to do. oh, samantha, you're married to the most stubborn,

mother, now, please, be reasonable. after all, darrin did apologize. that's an apology?! well...all right. if -- if you get darrin back to normal, i will not go trick-or-treating with tabitha. is that a promise? promise. and you won't give in to any undue influence that derwood might exert upon you? mother, darrin isn't the one that exerts undue influence around here. very well, samantha. i want you to know you've made your mother very happy. ah, well, now you make me very happy. you just get darrin back to normal. my dear, for derwood, that is normal. mother, get with it! [ sighs ] [ ding! ]

well... [ chuckles ]

[daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment.

good morning, mr. stephens. good morning, betty. mr. tate in yet? he certainly is. he's in your office. oh. good morning, larry. i suppose you're anxious about the bartenbach presentations, hmm? right. well, all our worries are over. i worked the rest of yesterday afternoon and most of last night on a new campaign. marvelous. bartenbach is going to love it. i doubt it. for your information, bartenbach's wife is the local chairwoman of the trick-or-treat for unicef committee. she is? well, that's great. samantha happens to be doing a lot of work for that committee. sam was doing a great deal of work for that committee. she just quit.

and he didn't sound pleased. well, now, wait a minute, larry. i have to admit, darrin -- i'm surprised. to think that sam would turn her back on a great cause like this -- all those hungry little kids! i'm sure samantha had a good reason. and i think i know what it is. never mind her reason. what about our client? we stand to lose one of the biggest accounts we've ever had! now, just a minute, larry. all right. i'm sure sam has a good reason for what she i would suggest you find out what it iss and do something about it. [ door closes ] how was i supposed to know that mr. b was the head of the committee? sam, you know it doesn't matter to me about bartenbach. i'm not worried about losing a client. i'm only concerned that you understand you cannot fight my battles for me... but -- ...especially my battles with your mother.

it does to me. and i think in the case of halloween, mother's point of view should be respected. you, tabitha, and i are going trick-or-treating. millions of hungry children are more important than one stubborn witch. oh, boy. [ ding! ] now, mother -- never mind, samantha. dawbin is absolutely right. huh? millions of hungry children are more important, and i am a stubborn witch. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] mnh. all right, samantha, i'm ready to go trick-or-treating.

children: treat-or-treat! woman: oh, hello! here's something for you and something for you, one for you, and there's one for you and one for you and, uh.... and who's your big friend? boy: better watch out! it's a real witch! [ gasps ] happy halloween. oh, yes. well, now wait a minute. i'll get the money for unicef, okay? now, let's fill all the boxes up with the money, huh? there's one for you and one for you and -- and one for the big, bad witch. ah. the big, bad witch thanks you. darrin: come on, kids. bye! bye! bye! mr. and mrs. stephens, your group has collected more than any individual group from this neighborhood in the history of unicef! good! well, thank you, mrs. townsend.

that did it. that did it. tabitha, come on. let's get some cookies. excuse me, michael. mr. stephens, you're the talk of the neighborhood. i can't get over how real your costume is. i mean, it looks like if i pulled your hair, it would really hurt you. oh, it would! it would! my mother stuck it on with glue. and that outfit's giving me an idea. imagine -- a picture of an ugly, old crone of a witch, and underneath it, the caption, "don't look like a witch -- "use bartenbach dental cream, hair tonic, skin lotion, wart remover." harold, i love it. well, stephens, tell me how you love it. mr. bartenbach, i'm not sure that you'd want -- i'm sure, stephens, and we'll get things under way first thing in the morning at your office. i don't think i'll be coming in to the office tomorrow. i've had a rather... strenuous evening.

samantha: "mr. darrin stephens, trick-or-treating "in an authentic witch costume, "proclaimed 'neighborhood father of the month' as his group collects record amount for unicef." i just wish i could... [ sighs ] ...take off my authentic costume between halloweens. have you been trying to get your mother? all morning. mother?! you have to do something about darrin! ohh! "i could change him into a pumpkin. love, mummy." halloween is over, mummy! can't you forget it? [ ding! ] no. mother, you don't realize what you're doing.

and i intend to go right on doing it. do you realize that you have given the witch's image that we hate more publicity than it's had since the salem trials? samantha... if you think you're going to make me back down that easily... [ doorbell rings ] oh, that's probably larry. darrin, wait a minute. haven't you always said that you like to base your campaigns on positive rather than negative concepts? yes. well, then, how about glinda, the good witch of the north? who? [ ding! ] glinda, the good witch of the north! of course! [ doorbell rings ] you're the best witch a man ever had. mother? samantha, you win. i'm bored with all this trivia.

hi, larry, mr. bartenbach. stephens. [ ding! ] darrin? hmm? didn't i just see robin hood? well... [ chuckles ] if you did, you haven't been taking your liver pills. [ laughter ] well, come on in, gentlemen. i've been thinking about mr. bartenbach's campaign, and i decided we should get away from the stereotype witch. i mean, well, who's to say that witches really look like i did last night? who's to say they don't? everyone knows witches have hooked noses, warts, and blacked-out teeth. the old-fashioned witch image is okay for kids, but kids don't do the buying. we should use, as an image, a beautiful witch like, uh -- well, like glinda. who? who?

good witch of the north? and he doesn't want to offend her. gentlemen, may i present the alternate concept -- glinda, the good witch hi, sam. hi, larry. mr. bartenbach. hi, mrs. stephens. sam kindly offered to demonstrate. darrin, who made you an authority on witches? it's...instinct. mr. bartenbach, wouldn't you prefer your product to be associated with this image? darrin, you've got to be crazy... i like it. ...crazy to come up with such a fantastically good idea. i don't know where you get your instincts, but i hope you never lose them. me too.