good times anytime you need a payment good times anytime you need a friend good times anytime you're out from under not getting hassled, not getting hustled keeping your head above water making a wave when you can temporary layoffs good times easy credit rip-offs good times scratching and surviving good times hanging in a chow line good times ain't we lucky we got 'em?

what miss scarlet didn't know was that mr. gardner got back from detroit two days earlier. and, honey, when mr. gardner walked into that house... [ laughs ] like the commercial where the woman says, "my man wears english leather or nothing at all." well, the dude that he caught her in there with was not wearing english leather, baby! [ laughs ] you know where i'm coming from? willona, i told you i had this bus-maintenance report to get out. how do you expect me to concentrate with all this noise? noise? i don't hear any noise. you, willona. i meant you. me, noisy?

"second gear squeaks, especially when that dude stands there wearing nothing at all." if my dispatcher reads this, i'll have a lot of explaining to do. that ain't nothing compared to the explaining mrs. gardner's gonna have to do. if i didn't hate gossip so much -- what?! flo. flo, come here. come here. come here. come here. what is it? do you smell it? [ sniffs ] yeah. something smells like ham...burning. maybe somebody set fire to howard cosell. ma, what's that smell? i don't know, thelma. it's going all through the house. maybe the garbage men are on strike. in this neighborhood? how could you tell? it doesn't even smell like this neighborhood.

i am the sunshine of my life that is why the women hang around me i feel that this is the beginning it smells more like the ending. look here, catfish-face. i'll have you know this is not a smell. this is an aroma, a wafting fragrance. half a million brothers in chicago. some sing. some dance. this one's wafting. that's a new cologne, isn't it, j.j.? oh, yeah, ma. how did you guess? the houseplants are drying up. let me see that mess. [ gags ] ew! [ laughs ] "tenderloin." they call this stuff "tenderloin." do you believe that?

i'll have you know many women get passionate at the smell of food. matter of fact, for another buck-fifty, i could have got myself some "clam chowder." you could have worn some oyster crackers under each arm. son, why don't you take some of your art-class money and buy a decent bottle of cologne? the girls don't want to spend an evening with a man smelling like a tv dinner. i know, ma, but i was desperate. vanessa kind of caught me off guard this time. vanessa? the vanessa blake is back in town? hold it, j.j. who is vanessa blake? well, let me put it to you this way, ma. if she hadn't had to go to new york to visit relatives, she may have been your new daughter-in-law. that's serious. vanessa's different than other girls i go out with, like myrna, the human burner.

matter of fact, m&m's won't even melt in her mouth. wow. i wish i had been here to meet this girl. the sahara desert ain't saying nothing compared to the heat wave they was making last summer. where you gonna take her tonight? last time, he would have taken her to la maison de la concourse. wait a minute. i know that place. it's expensive. mm-hmm. one of the fanciest in chicago. it's a revolving restaurant on top of a skyscraper. yeah, that place is so exclusive, you don't go to the john, it comes around to you. that was in the old days, when i was rolling in the big bucks. well, i certainly hope you've told her that you lost your job since then. well, now, come on. y'all worry too much. but you are gonna tell her, aren't you? of course i'm gonna tell her, thelma. look, me and vanessa don't keep anything from each other. we're real tight. that's how come she love me. [ knock on door ] hey, don't worry about it, ma.

when they created her, they broke the mold. they didn't break the mold. they just took one look and dropped it. [ chuckles ] that's not vanessa. come on. evening, folks. we're up here to unstop the bathtub. at 7:30 in the evening? yeah, bookman, shouldn't you be at home learning how to clone leftovers? [ laughs hysterically ] laughing at your superior is gonna cost you. now i'm docking you 15 minutes pay. hey, bookman, who's your new assistant? this is t.c., everybody. hey, there, t.c. hi. what did i tell you about fraternizing with the tenants? hey, now, she was just saying "hello." what is your problem, booger? booger? [ laughs ] now that's 30 minutes pay.

six months ago, i wrote downtown to ask for a raise. but did i get a raise? no! i got a kid on the federal seeder program that can't tell a screwdriver from a wrench. [ laughs ] now that's an hour. oh, for crying out loud. give her a break. oh, it's all right. he already docked me so much, i think i owe him money. and don't you ever forget it. now let's get busy before i really get upset. [ sniffing ] hey, j.j., you wearing a new cologne or something? oh, yes, it is, bookman. i think it smells fantastic. thank you, bookman. thank you very much. [ laughs ] see, there, ma? j.j., that's bookman. a bath in mayonnaise would please him. you just hang in there, okay, t.c.? yeah, he signs the time sheets, you know? bookman: t.c.! all right! all right...fatso.

get on in here! come on! [ knock on door ] that must be vanessa. hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo. uh, billy dee, the door. oh, yeah. j.j., darling. hoo, hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo. vanessa, my contessa. we've been parted much too long. did you fly here on gossamer wings? no, t.w.a. but, j.j., you were on my mind so much, i saw your face on all the clouds. it rained all the way, huh? uh, over here's my brother-in-law, keith. you remember my old, ugly sister over here, frog-face. well, we were just gonna go bowling. would you guys like to come? oh, no, thank you.

[ laughs ] real class, real class. i tell you, this woman outvogues "vogue," outharper's "harper's" brassiere. that's so cute. i'll see you later, flo. nice seeing you again, vanessa. ciao. hamburger to you, sweetie. uh, vanessa, i'd like you to meet my mother. vanessa, mumsy. hello, vanessa. i've heard so much about you. my, what a beautiful voice. you know, people with full, deep voices just make me tingle all over. [ deep voice ] well, then, why don't we sit down on the couch? well, j.j., we've got so much to talk about. now, tell me, did you ever get that big promotion you were up for? [ stuttering ]

oh, well, yes. genius often goes unrewarded. you know, i was dating this real-estate agent in new york, and he lost a big client. and he had to cancel his order for a maserati and settle for a porsche. poor guy. real tough break. excuse me, vanessa, but would you like a cup of coffee or anything? oh, no, thank you, mrs. evans. i mean, i do like coffee, but hot liquids are just murder on my -- lip gloss. i know. [ chuckles ] she's charming. yes. well, darling, tell me, what are we going to do tonight? well, i figured we'd play it by ear since your lobes are so "wubly." [ laughs ] oh, he's so considerate. [ chuckles politely ] well, in that case, darling,

any suggestions? how about mcdonald's and "hawaii five-o"? [ laughs ] "mcdonald's and 'hawaii five-o.'" oh, j.j., you're such a joker. [ laughs ] but seriously, darling, i was thinking we would have din-din at la maison, and then we could see "the wiz," and then i know of a fabulous after-hours roller disco. roller disco? i don't even have a skate key. [ laughs ] oh, j.j., do stop it. [ chuckles ] uh, listen, vanessa... about la maison, i think j.j. has something he wants to tell you. right, j.j.? uh, yeah. uh, vanessa, about la maison... yes, j.j.?

so? uh, yeah. uh, so we better get down there early if we want to get ourselves a good table. what?! uh, just go wait outside for me. i'll be out there in a moment. [ smooching ] j.j., have you lost your mind? you can't afford la maison. the hatcheck girls there even drive rolls-royces. ma, give me credit for having some common sense. i mean, i got myself into this. i can get myself out of this. by myself, if you don't mind. thank you. ma, could you give me the name of the mildest dish-washing detergent to your hands? try...lip gloss.

franois, i'll have the filet mignon, and i'll start with the escargot. fine. the snails are very plump this year. you would be, too, if all you ate all day was mud. j.j., people are starting to stare. perhaps monsieur would care for more time to decide. yeah. good idea. sacr\ bleu. and "vita blue" to you, too. j.j., do you know how embarrassing this is? now, what's the matter with you? uh, vanessa, my contessa, i, uh... i lost my job.

uh, you see, vanessa, they had to lay me off a couple of months ago. i can't even afford this french restaurant. i can't even afford french toast. i'm sorry i even brought you here. you could have at least told me. uh, i wanted to, but every time i looked into those big lovely eyes, i just didn't have the guts. you've got every right to be mad. mad? oh, j.j., what kind of a woman do you think i am? you mean, you're not upset? i thought you'd really be upset by this whole thing. upset? oh, j.j., i'm a very understanding person. but right now, i have to go and powder my nose. and i will be right back. [ smooching ] ha ha ha. ma, willona, what you all doing here?

we're gonna say that your sister is very sick and you have to come home in a hurry. now, we could tell her the truth -- that you are sick in your head. now, take it easy. y'all take it easy. i talked with vanessa, and everything's under control. she understands everything. matter of fact, she'll be back in a minute. hey, everybody, i want y'all to meet franois. franois, this is my mother, and this is willona. enchant\, mesdames. a c'est boom. will you two be taking the young lady's place? young lady? what young lady? the young lady you brought here. before she left, she told me that you would be dining alone, monsieur. she left? she's gone? of course. i had her personally escorted to a taxi. now, will you be dining alone or will the two ladies be joining you, monsieur? monsieur? monsieur evans? monsieur? oh, keith, i just don't know.

he walks around all day with his head down. i saw him. he looks like a golf club. he says he's swearing off women forever. he even wants to have valentine's day abolished. i said the same thing myself before i met thelma. listen, i'll talk to him. there's nothing to worry about. thank you, keith. both: there's a whole lot to worry about. oh, listen, j.j. son, i know how hard it is to lose someone you really care about. but you'll meet other girls as soon as you take off this outfit. i feel like i'm talking to a guru. j.j., as girl-crcry as you are, how can you let one woman

it's not just vanessa, keith. i mean, when i had a job, girls were coming through the window. now that i'm out of work, i can't even get a cat to rub up against my leg. i tell you, the sultan of swoon is busted like a balloon. j.j., that's not true. it is so, ma. in the old days, cupid used to come and shoot his arrow through my heart. now when he comes in, he just blows me away with a .357 magnum. let me tell you, i'm finished. j.j., everybody strikes out once in a while. i can give you a thousand good reasons why girls would be attracted to you. oh, yeah? name one. i'll give you three. you're tall. you're dark. you're han-- [ clears throat ] and you've got a good sense of humor. keith! right, i need some more words to describe you, j.j. i'm gonna go check it out right now in the dictionary -- some words to describe j.j.

nice try, ma. hey, j.j., guess what. i found a girl who is very interested in you. thelma, i told you before. i don't want to meet any girls. i don't want to see any girls. i don't want to -- who is this girl? t.c. t.c. -- ha. now, isn't this wonderful? that's all i need to add injury to insult -- salt to the wound. thelma, forget it! hi, j.j. how you doing... t.c.? i heard about your little problem, and... well, i'd like to go out with you sometime, if you'd like to.

go get yourself one of those rich sugar daddies like everybody else is. j.j. oh, i'm sorry, t.c. well, at least we gave it a try, huh? aha! so there you are. goofing off, dodging work, out of uniform. your paycheck's gonna look so bad this week, you'll get sympathy cards from the i.r.s. you're lucky i don't fire you for this. good, then you won't have to waste your breath, balloon belly, 'cause i quit! wait a minute. you quit?! that's right, bookman. so you might as well fire me, because i'm not coming back here until you start treating me like a human being. now, look here, t.c. --

so you can just take your job and you can use this on it! hey, okay, okay, okay, teresa. look, you can't quit on me now. i mean, i'll fall behind. i mean, you'll blow my schedule. and you may even have to do a little work. [ chuckles nervously ] look, i'll tell you what. you know that silly little day i docked from your pay? mm-hmm. it's yours. plus coffee breaks? yeah, yeah, coffee breaks. it's a deal. but one thing. i don't share my six-pack of doughnuts with nobody. oh. i'm sorry, mrs. evans. no, no, t.c., there's no need to be sorry. it took a whole lot of heart to stand up to bookman the way you did.

enough heart to take to dinner? like i told you before, i don't have a job. i'm broke. so what? i'm not. you mean, you'd take me to dinner? sure. that is, unless you got something against dating a super's apprentice. or unless you don't mind mcdonald's. oh, i love mcdonald's. matter of fact, mayor mccheese even gave me a key to mcdonaldsville. good. then see you tonight at 8:00? it's a date. [ sighs ] oh, and, thelma... bye. you see that, j.j.? you still got it. yeah. now it's just a matter of how to spread it around.

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