n miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

u're wearing one.

the weather's gone nuts, ma. a whole summer of rain and now in september it decides to get hot. it's lucky mrs. wiedermeyer moved away.

by the heat in queens. where'd she move to, ma? to the bronx. will you tell this guy that if i hear watergate one more time i'm gonna go nuts! mike, if archie hears watergate one more time he's gonna go nuts! i just told him that, you dingbat! now, i need a pen. just go get me a pen. yeah. [belches] thanks. stay away from me. just stay away from me. i don't want to be arguing with no guy who's got a lamb chop for a brain. here. oh, edith, it's so hot in this house. can't you close the windows and the door and turn on the air conditioner? oh, no. we can't do that. the mayor was on the radio, asking everybody to switch off everything electric. why did he say that? i didn't wait to hear why. i switched off the radio.

it's because we have to conserve energy, daddy. otherwise there's gonna be another brownout. well, if i don't get some air, i'm gonna brown out. i'll turn the thing on myself. no, daddy, don't. daddy... i'm turning it on-- as good citizens, we all have to cooperate. oh, i suppose you think that good citizen barney hefner's got his air conditioner turned off. i suppose you think that all good citizens in this block got their air conditioners off. as a matter of fact, i do. good, then turning ours on won't do no harm. get out of there. oh, dad-- i'm gonna turn it on. right here. oh, jeez! [squeals] great work, arch. you made your own power cut. would you like me to call a repairman? no, edith, that's the worst thing you can do on a hot day is call the repairman. he's got you over a barrel where he can pick your pocket. arch, i've got a great idea. why don't you hire one of nixon's plumbers? i am tuning you out, meathead, because i've got something important here to read and to sign and i've got to consecrate on that.

just tell me one thing, archie. do you think nixon knew about watergate and the cover-up? i'm busy. just tell me. do you think he knew? i'm busy. say yes or no. i am b-u-z-y, busy! now get away from me. don't say no more to me. i don't want to hear another word out of either one of youse. not one word. how am i gonna tell you when lunch is ready? you won't have to tell me, edith. i'll know when it's ready because i'll see the meathead racing for the table. now, please, huh, leave me alone. give me air. give me air! both: "whereas we got our fair share of coloreds in this street--" get out of here. edith: what? that's a petition! it ain't a petition. it's a letter from people who live in this street. to who? to some people that we don't want living in this street. oh, arch, what do you want to start this thing up for again?

the jeffersons have been living here for over two years. this letter ain't got nothing to do with the jeffersons. this has got to do with what is coming in next door. do you mean somebody's buying the wiedermeyer house? somebody wants to buy it, edith. but this time we're gonna strike before the iron gets hot, see? what are you talking about? i'm talking about that real estate guy, joe braddock, who comes up to me and says that i ought to be proud because there's a minorority living in the street here. so i says, "sure. i'm proud." he says, "that's good, because another minorority has just put a deposit on the wiedermeyer joint." well, that's terrific. oh, "that's terrific." terrific. everything's terrific if it's a minorority with her. she'd be happy with a hindu and a goat. oh, yeah. it'll be nice to have neighbors again. what do you mean "nice," edith? don't you see what this is? braddock was telling me that another bunch of coloreds is coming on the street. don't you see where that leaves us?

an the new coloreds over here, we'll be sandwiched in between like a white-meat turkey on pumpernickel. you know, you really are paranoid. i ain't paranoid. why are youse all against me? daddy... daddy, didn't the jeffersons teach you anything? you were against them when they moved in, but nothing happened. the sky didn't fall down. well, because the jeffersons are different. how are the jeffersons different? because one colored family is a novelty and two is a ghetto. what?! what?! daddy! are you really gonna take that petition around? i told you this ain't a petition. this is a letter that mcnab wrote and he gave it to me. i'm supposed to sign it and pass it along. you know something, i swear i think you do these things sometimes just to eat my heart out. and that's what you do, you know. little by little, piece by piece, you eat my heart out.

bunker! bunker, i want a word with you. don't bother to try to hide the evidence. i know what you're up to and i want that letter that mcnab is passing around! what letter? well, maybe he means this letter. get out of here, will you? now, listen, jefferson, i ain't got no argument with you. come on, don't cop out to me. i know that you don't want any more blacks in this street. i never said that. you don't have to. you're always against any improvements on the block! listen, this whole thing with this letter, it's a matter of economics, see? remember, i'm on your side in this. oh, now you've really got me worried. listen, think intelligent, huh? if the value of my property goes down, the same thing happens to your property. if you don't want that to happen, then you're gonna join the rest of us neighbors on the block and sign this. i wouldn't sign that piece of paper if i was the last black man on earth, let alone on this block! archie: jefferson, this is for your own good! [hispanic accent] excuse me. archie: oh, hold on. hold on.

what is this? how do you do? can i help you? yes, i am alfredo estrada and this is my wife, maria. oh, i'm edith bunker and this is my husband, archie. come on, edith, just tell them that we ain't buying, no matter what they're selling. oh, no, seor, we are not selling, we are buying. the house, number 702. you're what? the wiedermeyer house? that's terrific! hey, great! welcome! [mocking] "terrific! welcome!" why don't youse two move to calcutta! you see, we are supposed to meet the real estate agent here this morning, but he don't call yet and we don't have the key. they're puerto rican! no, they're swedes! ah, and it is especially nice to see you here, mr., uh... jefferson.

the white family. and i'm very glad to be your new neighbor. hey, bunker. what?

i can't believe it! i can't believe it! the two of you scheming all week together. ah, what are you kicking about? ain't you and your wife always telling me that coloreds and whites ought to work together? not to stop puerto ricans from moving next door! we'll do anything to protect our property on this street. so you lied about the condition of the weidermeyer house? i didn't lie about nothing. that's right, he didn't lie. he just told him he wouldn't buy a house that was riddled with termites.

that house doesn't have termites. i didn't say it did. well, what did you say? i said i wouldn't buy a house that was riddled with termites. boy, that's some kinda truth. you know, you ought to be working for the white house. will you get off of that? the only mistake the white house made was just hiring a couple of screwups. a couple of screwups? that's right, they should've hired japs instead of all them krauts. wait a second. what?! because the japs are better than the krauts at electronics. and if the japs get caught, they do the right thing, they kill themselves. what are you and henry jefferson gonna do when you get caught? what do you mean, "get caught"? we ain't doing nothing crooked. [michael laughing] oh, no? while the estradas are thinking it over, you and henry are trying to find somebody else to buy the house. you don't call that crooked? no!

where does that place henry jefferson? he's number two. why is he number two? because, meathead, there can only be one number one and one number two and life made jefferson number two long before i come along. i suppose that the puerto ricans are number three, then, huh? well, no, not necessarily there, little girl. your puerto ricans could be four. your japs and your chins could be three. 3a, 3b. crazy! he makes me crazy! hey, bunker. hiya there, jefferson. how are you? glad to see you. look at them over there, birds of a feather who cheat puerto ricans together. excuse me, jefferson. [blows raspberry] what did you find out? well, bunker, we're off the hook. braddock sold the house and the puerto ricans are out of it. hey, that's great news, that's great news. look at this, it's nixon and brezhnev all over again. shut up, huh. mr. jefferson, i just can't tell you

don't pay no attention to her. edith! edith: yes! i'm sorry you feel that way, gloria, but in this world a man's gotta look out for number one. right. i thought you were number one, arch. oh, that's only when a black man ain't around, right, bunker? no. no. like i always say, jferson, i mean, what's in a number, huh? yeah, archie? oh, hello, mr. jefferson. hi, edith. sit down. sit down, henry. bring a couple of beers, huh? right away. i hope you know there's such a thing as a fair housing commission in this state. yeah, mr. jefferson. they're the ones who helped you get your house. well, that was fair. that was fair. wait a second. what are you saying, it's not fair for other people to get their houses that way? no. no. nobody said that. all we're saying is puerto ricans ought to stay in puerto rico. we don't go to their country to live. why should they come to ours? puerto rico is part of this country. no, no, no. it ain't a state. they have commonwealth status.

daddy, no, it means that they are citizens. they have a right to move from one part of this country to another just like anybody else. no. i say no. would you say that to a guy who came from texas? if he's a puerto rican, yeah. oh, god! hopeless, hopeless! here you are. here we are. there you are, henry. thanks. hey, good news, edie. good news. the weidermeyer place is sold and to americans. the estradas are americans too. sure. but they've got to stand in line like my people had to. that's right, and many's the time i've seen your people standing in line, jefferson, and it was heartbreaking. hey, let's have a toast to our success. here, huh, what do you say? to us, huh? archie, to us. just us, edith. boy, i never thought i'd see the day when you'd be happy to have another white family on the block. white? who says they're white? are they black?

i don't know if they're black or white. they could be puerto rican. holy cow, did you hear that? jefferson, you'd better go to braddock and find out right away. i'll get to the bottom of this. hurry up there, jefferson. look at that. you can't trust them people. henry wouldn't lie. how can you tell? they never blush or go pale or nothing. yeah. i'd like the number of the fair housing commission, please. what are you doing? i'm not gonna let you get away with this. the estradas had a deposit on that home first. put down that phone. don't tell me-e- [all arguing] archie: give me that phone. give me that phone. give me that-- give me that phone! yah hah hah. ha ha ha ha. oh, look what you've done! hello, there. hello, there. can i help you? well, you're not gonna believe this,

it's a good thing you didn't, because it just broke. she can see that, edith, you know, huh? look out. get out of there, meathead. i've gotta fix the phone now. gotta get this wire here to go into this wire in here, look. would you like me to fix that for you? come on, lady, i ain't got time to fool around. who's fooling around? i can fix it. you fix phones? i can fix anything. look at this. josephine the plumber. archie, maybe she could fix our air conditioner. edith, fixing air conditioners and telephones is men's work. well, why don't i just watch you do it? maybe i can learn something. oh, you wouldn't, because archie can't do things. will you stifle yourself? oh, he can do some things. you mean like pulling the phone apart? yeah, he can do that. will you, edith, huh? but he won't be able to put it together again. watch, you'll see.

with the two of youse breathing down my neck and 110 in the shade out there and you shooting your mouth off about me to a total stranger? oh, i won't be a stranger for long. i'm irene lorenzo. my husband and i are buying the house next door. you're our new neighbor. irene: yes. hey, look at this, you're white. do we get points for that? well, we're the bunkers and this is our daughter, gloria, and her husband, michael stivic. mrs. lorenzo, i don't know if you know this but another family already put a deposit down on that house. hey, shut up. they did not. they did too. they did not. they did too. they did not! they didn't! who are you gonna listen to, lady, him or me? why do i feel that my life is at stake if i say him? man: irene! in here, frank. in here. ice cream for you hello, everybody. may i come in? edith: oh, sure. frank-- this is my husband, frank.

frank: how do you do? here's your ice cream, irene. not now, frank. i think we've got problems with the house. what kind of problems? mr. lorenzo, i'm not sure that the house next door legally belongs to you. will you shut your mouth? don't pay any attention to anything this guy says. he don't even work. whoa. wait a minute. what are you talking about? i put a deposit down on that house. you don't have all the facts, frank. i'm not gonna move out of that house. you don't have all the facts. we're staying in that house. you don't have all the facts, frank. i don't think i have all the facts. now, don't get excited, but if it's true, another family had a deposit on the house first. well, wait a minute, lady. what about your own husband here? he put a deposit too. i don't think we can move in, frank. it just wouldn't be the christian thing to do. what are you talking about? it would be the most christian thing you done in your life. i can prove it to you by the bible. all we're trying to do on this block is separate the white fromhe chaff. wait a minute.

before you tell me that that house next door ain't mine. irene and i weren't born yesterday, you know. we know people, and speaking for myself, i know what a good christian is. isn't he wonderful when he's passionate? irene, it has nothing to do with being passionate. it's a question of looking out for number one. you sure you're number one? get out of here! listen, i wanna welcome youse two people to the neighborhood and to the block. well, archie, if they're welcome now, maybe mrs. lorenzo would fix our phone. oh, yeah, you wanted to fool around with the phone before. yeah, go ahead, go ahead. try and fix it. she can fix nothing. she can fix the phone. huh? she can fix anything. huh. where did you get this lovely toolkit? it was a door prize at one of frank's sales conventions, a toolkit and a set of cookware.

she kept the tools and you kept the cookware? frank is one of the best cooks you'll ever run into. oh, i get it. you work in a restaurant, huh? no. i'm just mad about cooking. oh. yeah. i think i've seen guys like you. hey, bunker, i got the news you wanted to hear. braddock just told me, your new neighbors, they're white. that seems to impress everyone around here. yeah, white, white, white. look at them, white. well, mr. braddock's waiting for you next door. oh, thank you. thank you very much. well, bunker, you got what you wanted. correction, you both got what you wanted, but now the estradas are out in the cold. no, they got what they wanted too. braddock sold them a house over on the next block. hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. you mean to tell me that louse braddock sold them puerto ricans a house in this neighborhood?

that's great! that's great! archie, ain't that nice? ain't that nice? you'll see how nice it is when the whole neighborhood's turned into a smelting pot! and it's all the fault of that guy joe braddock. oh, i know him, a typical out-for-himself irish mick. you don't like the irish? they're all right when they ain't mumbling over their beads or boozing it up. i happen to be irish. huh? i don't like what you just said. i don't like it either. i mumble over my beads too. i'm italian. oh, jeez, i mean, i couldn't tell. irish and italian. look what we got here, edith, a mixed marriage. not mixed. we're both catholics. look, your phone's fixed. frank, i think we'd better go. don't run away. edith's gonna put coffee and cake on the table. get it, get it, get it. i'm sorry, but you know us irish catholics.

and then rush right off to confession. oh, what do you mean "rush"? where's the rush? there's one confession that can't wait. oh, come on, a nice lady like you, what would you have to confess? what i'm thinking about you. [laughing] oh, my, i thought it would cool off at night. oh, edith, look at the cards you've been dealing me. jeez, this ain't a hand, it's a foot. of all the lousy-- archie, no swearing. remember, you promised. no more g-d. who said g-d? you did. i promised you never no more. come on, play cards. do you want the 10 of diamonds? no. all right, i'll take it and i'll throw you the queen. frank: we're having a heat wave a tropical heat wave...

it's... we're having a heat wave a tropical heat wave... i don't want stereo, edith. come on, play the game. you want the queen? yeah. gin. oh, gee! hey! hey, lorenzo! will you cut that racket out over there? we're playing cards here. you just made me blow a hand. frank: luck, be a lady tonight

glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

hot...hot...hot! oh, hi, gloria. hi, gloria. don't get up, michael. i wasn't planning to.

oh, ma, the subway was so hot, so crowded, so jam-packed i wanted to go, "aaargh!" and i did. you did? what happened, gloria? nothing. nobody even turned around. i'm going upstairs to take a shower and i may never come out. quick. somebody say something cold to me. hi, mrs. lorenzo. that's not cold enough, michael! would you like a cold drink? now you're getting warmer! oh, and you wanted me to get colder. oh! it's a joke. i get it! well, come on inside. i've got some nice fresh-made lemonade. don't bother taking it out of the fridge. i'll just crawl right in with it. oh. frank said thanks for the use of the mixer. you know, the motor was heating up, so i overhauled it for you.

oh, you're so handy. how did you ever learn all that? oh. self-defense, edith. self-defense. i just got so sick and tired of being talked down to by repairmen. "lady, you don't understand these things. take my word for it. it's a big job." oh, yeah, i've heard that. well, i got even for all of us. i read a forbidden book. the handyman's guide to home repair. oh, my! and i learned to fix things myself. and every time i turn a screw, i like to think there's some repairman on the other end of it. oh! oh, irene! oooh! [giggling] you know, this may sound silly. i know you're not a movie star or nothing,

edith, thank you! maybe we can exchange autographed pictures later. oh, ha-ha-ha! yeah. listen, you were going to tell me places to shop in the neighborhood. i have a couple of things to pick up. yeah, sit down and i'll tell you! now, the first place to go is ferguson's market. it's right around the corner. but when you go to check out, don't go to agnes on counter two, because if you forget to ask her for green stamps she won't give them to you because she's saving them for her own book. go to sybil gooley on counter one. she's wonderful with green stamps. but you got to watch her on change. oh, not that she's dishonest. it's just that she catches colds all the time and that makes her breathe through her mouth

and she don't count the change right. for fish... for fish, you go to levy's fish market. and for fruits and vegetables, you go to roselli's. his stuff is fresher. only, if the tomatoes are squishy, that means mrs. goldblatt's been there ahead of you. she's a squeezer. well, i guess that's everything. any questions? no. i got it all. now, what was it you wanted to buy? a housecoat and a pair of slippers. edith, have you started cooking dinner yet? no, i was just going-- well, don't. i want to have frank come over and make you a big gourmet dinner right in front of your very eyes. oh, i don't want him to go to all that trouble. it's no trouble at all. and frank will love it. michael: excuse me. oh. just wanted to get something to eat. but, mike, we're going to have dinner pretty soon.

irene, wait! i'll tell you where you can get your housecoat and slippers. at kressler's department store. that's where gloria-- oh, hi, there, girls. i'm going to tell you... if this ain't the hottest day in the last 25 years... where the hell are you? edith? edith! hi, archie. i'll be right back! wait a minute. where are you going, huh? oh, look at this. for once i come home from work and i'm ready to tell her about my day and all she does is... [grumbling] archie: well, if this ain't a beautiful sight for a working man to come home. close the icebox door there, meathead. i want to get something. come on! you're letting all the cold out. i don't know what i want yet. can't you close the door until you can make up your mind?

you ain't got brains enough for that, i'll help you. here. here's something for you right now. this is crisco. what do you care? you eat anything. hiya, daddy! oh, holy cow! get away from me! what do you mean, coming downstairs in front of your father dressed like that? put some clothes on you. i got some clothes on. where? where? here, here. oh! daddy, it's the same thing i wear on the beach. it ain't the same as the beach. the beach is different. why? because the beach has got sand and umbrellas and hot dogs and orange crush. look at you. 24 years old. you don't know the difference between a beach and your own living room? now take that off. okay. not here! go upstairs and put a dress on you. oh, boy, daddy. you know something, you're the kind of person that would put pants on michelangelo's david. i don't care what any other father does with his kid.

[wolf-whistles] oh, thank you, michael. oh, look at this. what kind of a bum would whistle at his own wife? i can't help it, arch. it's the crisco. it turned me on. you are pure filth. at least he says what he's thinking. what's bothering you? besides you, your mother. what's your problem with ma? she ain't here. that's the problem. she probably went next door to talk to mrs. lorenzo. what's the big deal? oh, she's always over there and neglecting her own home here. what's the big attraction over there at lorenzo's? it's simple: ever since the lorenzos moved in, ma has someone to talk to. she's always got somebody to talk to. i know, but now someone's listening. who's she married to, anyway? me or them? you know what, daddy? you're jealous. i ain't jealous. yeah. you're jealous. edith: hi, everybody! i'm back! what? what do you mean, "hello, everybody, i'm back"?

what are you picking on ma for? a minute ago you were missing her. you were, archie? keep quiet, you! look at her. all mouth and belly button there. i told you something. now i give you an order. get upstairs and get some clothes on, and take the polack mark spitz with you. watch it, all right? oh, boy. oh, boy. that's just like you, daddy. we catch you feeling something for ma, and then you got to turn it into a cheap polish joke. oh, forget it, gloria. just get out of here, all right? i just realized what's bothering me. it's not the heat. it's the stupidity. get him away from me. if i wasn't so dog-tired, i'd ve you one of these. [blows raspberry] well? how was your day?

it's too late for that. time to ask me that is when i come in the door and the whole lousy day is fresh on my mind. well, why don't you start with the subway and maybe it'll all come back to you. i don't wanna talk about the subway. i wanna talk about my wife. oh, then you're talking to the right person. why are you spending so much time with the lorenzos? you're neglecting your own house here. look at the table here. ain't no dinner there. the air conditioner over here is still broke. and i come home, wore out after a hard day at work, i'm half-prostate in the heat. archie, why don't we have irene lorenzo take a look at our air conditioner? she's really very good with her hands. yeah, well, i wish she'd use them to choke that husband of hers that's singing night and day over there. he's singing in the middle of the night.

why are you always over there, anyway? why can't you stay here where you belong? archie! you miss me! i miss dinner on the table. you do miss me. oh, archie! coming from you, that's like a real love letter. now that you got your love letter, would you get dinner on the table? dinner! that reminds me. let me tell you about a surprise that's coming. oh, a surprise? i got a surprise i wanna tell you about. oh, no, let me tell you mine first. oh, no, save it. save it, edith. i gotta tell you mine before it happens. edith, edith, this is a surprise for frank lorenzo next door. wait till you see this. the next time he starts singing, i got this for him now. what is that lousy old song he's been singing all week long? sing that for me. you're asking me to sing? just this once. if i can take it, so can you.

go on, go on. all right. we're havin' a heat wave a tropical heat wave... [blaring] that's what he's gonna get the next time he starts singing in the middle of the night. i don't have to yell across the alley or nothing. i'll just give him that-- oh, archie! huh? where did you get that? stretch cunningham loaned it to me. he takes it with him to the ball games all the time. ain't that a beauty? look at that. huh? ha, ha, ha! now, what was the surprise you had for me? well, the-- oh! [blares] oh, put that away. now, the surprise is this-- frank: ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! sound the trumpet! bang the drum! here comes dinner. yum, yum, yum! oh! into the kitchen, irene.

five, four, three, two, one. time to take out our first course. and my first course will be soup, the magnificent, incomparable vichyssoise. oh. ohh! it's ice-cold. i'd better heat it up. no, no, no! please, it's supposed to be served cold. you warm up vichyssoise and it weeps. really? oh, i'd better tell archie about it before he eats it. he ain't never had cold soup before, not on purpose. oh. well, pardon me asking, but, uh, does your husband do a lot of the cooking over your house? he does all of it. he loves it. oh, well, ain't you a little afraid of what people could think? you mean, that i'm a lazy wife?

is that--? is that what you think? oh, no, no. i don't think that. i mean, because i know he's italian. and italians are always bothering women. then there must be a little italian in you. oh, no, no. i-- was you trying to give me a shot there? no, no. i thought i was paying you a compliment. oh, because what you said there, well, i guess i kind of misconscrued it. but if he's got time to do all that cooking and all that, he must be retired, huh?

semi-retired, what does that mean? he drives halfway to work and then comes back again? well, let me ask you this, how is it that you retired to this neighborhood instead of to florida like the rest of the world? oh, we tried florida, st. petersburg. no matter where we went, we always got stuck behind a funeral procession. so frank said as long as we have to face death every day, we might as well come back to new york. jeez, look at the time, and no dinner on the table yet. well, do you want it quick or do you want it good? i want it today. i'll say one thing about edith's cooking, ready or not, it's on the table at 6:00. you don't really like women, do you?

that's how i can say that. that was a shot. [frank singing in italian] oh, gee, there he goes again with that singing. ain't that terrible? i think it's lovely. i think he ought to get himself a monkey. dinner! come to the table. a meal fit for a king. irene, you sit there. frank, you sit here. archie, you sit there. and i'll sit here. you see how i worked it out, archie? boy, girl, boy, girl. now that we know what we are, edith, can we eat? oh, wait a minute. this is just like a holiday meal. don't you think we should say a few words first? yeah, i know just the words to say.

hey, i bet you never heard that kinda grace before, huh? no. and i wish i'd never heard that one. come on, let's eat, everybody, huh? i can't wait to see your faces when you dig in. uh, see what we got here. archie! don't shake my arm. look at this. three blows and all the heat's gone out of it. it's vichyssoise, archie. it's supposed to be cold. the soup is supposed to be cold? yeah. if you warm it up, it cries. well, uh, i'll tell you what--

and he's not eating it. it's a flop! no! no, no, frank. well, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't get excited. look, if it'll make you feel better, i'll keep it over here by me. come on, frank. no. come on, give us a smile. no. come on, irene. come on, come on. come on, irene. stop. there it comes, sweetheart. irene. [both laughing] there it is. look at that beautiful big smile. from ear to shining ear see what she does to me? she's a witch, a witch! for a minute there i thought she was gonna burp you. archie, where are you going? you haven't tasted anything. what are you talking about? the cold soup was a taste thrill. i'll see you in a few moments. oh, but, archie... i told you, he hates it, he hates it. oh, no, no! edith, i don't think archie's very happy about our being here. no. he loves you being here.

when you live with a man long enough, you know what he's thinking, and believe me, i've lived with archie long enough. you see? you see? that's what happens when you cook a gourmet dinner for a man who's not even ready for mcdonald's. oh, i'm sorry, frank. now, snap out of it. hey, i think something else is disturbing you besides the dinner. all right, i'll tell you what's bothering me. do you realize how much time you've been spending with edith? do you realize that this is the first chance i've had to talk to you alone all day? frank, you missed me. i miss you? i miss you? the bathroom faucets are leaking, my electric razor started to whistle again, the floorboards are all loose. sure i miss you. that's the most romantic thing you've said to me since i plugged up the leak in your dishwasher. leave me alone! if i gotta eat a cold dinner,

you're gonna hurt his feelings. he worked so hard. to hell with him. oh, put that down! give me that back here. archie bunker, you listen to me. ever since you've come home here tonight, you've been acting like a little boy. because i'm hungry! and i'm talking! every time i start to make new friends, something always happens between you and them. but i ain't gonna let it happen with frank and irene, because i like them and they like me. they're my friends and i wanna keep them. [whining] what do you want me to do? i want you to go back in there and be nice to them.

oh, thank you, archie. oh, go on, go on. go on. archie! get in there! everybody, we found out what was making archie act queer. different, not queer! it's the heat. he hasn't been himself for days. and until the air conditioner gets-- would you like me to take a look at it? keep away from it. oh, archie, i think our friend should look at it. yeah, well, all right. it's just that, you know, i always figured the first law of nature is that women and machinery don't mix, you know? i mean, why do you think god gave men short hair? so it wouldn't get caught in the machinery. you read my mind. that's not the hardest thing in the world to do. that's another shot.

oh, wonderful, wonderful! [singing in italian] can i ask you something, frank? you gotta sing all the time? frank, why do you have to sing all--? he sings when he's happy. i sing when i'm happy archie, i sing... okay, be happy, frank! be happy and sing! if you wanna be happy, be happy! i'll make everybody happy.