[ theme music ] >> here's johnny! [ cheers and applause ] [ theme music ] >> thank you. thank you very much. wow. thank you very much. thank you.

what a nice -- good crowd. we have a good show for you. i'm johnny carson, the surrogate father of talk show hosts everywhere. [ laughter ] >> boy, you had a green jacket last night, now you have a bright red one. >> we're going through all of the basic colors. >> what tomorrow? puce tomorrow? is puce a color? or is that something you do, i don't know. anyway this is the tonight show. and up until now this is the only birth control device the networks will allow on the air. [ laughter ] >> have you been following that controversy? they want to start advertising, some independent television stations are going to advertise condoms. and it's created a lot of controversy. moral grounds and so forth. the networks are not ready to go along with it yet. how do you feel about it? do you think they should be allowed to do that? [ cheers and applause ] >> i tell you what,

to the commercials. [ laughter ] >> they ask a thousand doctors -- [ laughter ] >> what protection they would use if they were stranded on a dessert island with dean martin's gold diggers. [ laughter ] >> anyway, i don't know if it will happen or not. did you see the cover of news week? do you know who is on the cover of news week magazine? vanna white. >> yo! >> vanna white made the cover of news week, what is happening to news magazines? [ laughter ] >> i got a promotional thing for the national review the other a day. and they said if you subscribe now you will get the george will beef stake calendar. [ laughter ] >> okay. you want your money back? well, we did it,

[ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> i think dolly parton was the first to say that. [ laughter ] >> we won all four in a row, didn't we? we won all four in a row. i'm in a nutty mood tonight. i don't know why. do you think shirley maclaine will ever do commercials for nine lives cat food? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> well, if you have been fol -- [ laughter ] >> if you have been following the news ferdinand marcos -- have you seen his latest attempt to regain control of the philippines. he hasn't giving up. today he established a beach head on gilligan's island. marco says he has established a foothold in the philippines. i think in the same sense as argentina has established a foothold in the falklands. [ laughter ] >> the weirdest thing, did you

the home videotape -- i'm not making it up -- a ferdinand marcos made a home videotape of him doing exercises, to show that he was physically right to have the stamina and he is vigorous enough to rule the philippines the high point was when he bench pressed imelda's american express bill. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> and then -- [ laughter ] >> and then -- [ laughter ] >> and for a finish he cleaned and jerked her entire collection of shoe trees. i mean man. [ laughter ] >> it has been a bad week for marcos, not only did the invasion fail but his exercise video is being outsold by oprah winfrey's workout tape. [ laughter ] >> he won't give up. today he was arrested wearing a white wig, found him in the philippines, claiming he was phil donahue doing a week of shows in manila.

speaking of phil donahue, have the shows he has done in russia been shown back here yet he went to russia and he finished taping a week of shows in the soviet union. and he did his usual hard-hitting shows in the first one he sticks his mic in lennon's face and he said you are stuck in this country, and they won't let you out. how do you feel? lennon is dead. [ laughter ] >> i like that. >> what? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> put up the sail and let's get out of here? [ laughter ] >> anyway, they -- the cultural shock didn't seem to bother donahue, he was able to find over there six transvestite dwarfs, you know. phil was really stretching for shows over there, for themes.

with a granddaughters of carl and chico marx. [ laughter ] >> carl marx is dead too. [ laughter ] >> so is chico. [ laughter ] >> you like this, done you? you really like this? [ laughter ] >> anyway we have got a good show tonight. we really do. later on lateren evangelist, pat robertson will be out here and tell us he doesn't know whether he will run for president because god has him on hold because of oral roberts. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> anyway, tonight, funny funny gentle, mr. george carlin is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> and two pretty women, loving actress susan sullivan who has been with us before. is here tonight.

[ applause ] >> and a young lady who is making her first appearance, she is on it's a living, and appears occasionally on l.a. law, her name is sheryl lee ralph. she is here tonight. so stay where you are, and we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> okay. we are back. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah here we are back with our pre-rehearsed show. [ laughter ] >> some guy in the audience asked if he pre-rehearse. no, we don't. if we have a sketch, we will. but not in front of the audience. >> straight ahead. >> just the crew. which gives you a false reading. because the crew sometimes -- we do the sketch,

and they have seen the sketch. and they are the only ones saving us, so. anyway, we have tonight george carlin, susan sullivan and the sheryl -- did you match any of the american cup -- >> yes, i did. >> they carried our many hours? >> every night, it was on every night. >> all i got to see was the guy doing this. they take it from the bow -- do you understand what a 12-meter yacht is? >> no i do not. >> does any body understand what a 12-meter yacht is? how they determine that? >> i thought it was the length. but apparently that's not -- >> it has nothing to do with the length of the yacht. it's based on some formula, has to do with -- does anybody in the audience know? >> no. >> it has a complicated formula, it has to do with the beam and the deem of the keel, and they take that three times point something -- and nobody understands what they are talking about. >> but mainly we won. >> yes, with we did. yeah. four out of four. >> it's only. >> all right, got to -- i should have done this afternoon. >> it is nice that you do these. 'cause a lot of people don't do this, lots of big celebrities just don't find time,

multi-million dollars star has time to do this kind of work for free. you don't get paid for this, do you? [ laughter ] >> did you think i couldn't set this up. >> i'm just complimenting you. i'm not trying to help you to set it up, they know what it is. it's a public service announcement. >> that's right. you have done them. >> sure. >> for the boy scouts, you get them for the internal revenue went around to celebrities asking them to do public service announcements. to help people to file their income tax on time and all of that -- they sent some over this afternoon, i didn't have time to do them. >> you have been so busy. [ laughter ] >> so if you don't mind they sent over the copy, put it on cue cards. haven't had the time to read them over, so i'm going to do this is unrehearsed. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> so they call this in the business a cold reading. you just come in and you haven't seen the copy, so we'll do this and then go on to the regular show. this is not part of the show. that's a copout. [ laughter ] >> because if this doesn't work,

service -- ain't going to listen to -- okay, so how many of these have we got to do, bob? about three or four? >> you have got five. >> okay. let's go ahead and start. you get a chance -- this is kevin quinn by the way, our stage manager. [ applause ] [ laughter ] >> what am i supposed to do? >> slate them. slate them. >> psa 1, take 1. >> hi, this is johnny carson with a plea to all jewish mothers within the sound of my voice. times have changed and some of the old ways have to change with them. with what we now know about the dangers of cholesterol, how can you in good conscious continue to feed thick fat-laden chicken soup to children with head colds? for a free booklet containing healthier soup alternatives send a stamped envelope to the b'nai broth, [ laughter ] >> yenta, maryland.

[ applause ] >> see i had one little flub in there. but it looks natural. what? okay, kevin. >> psa number 2. take 1. >> are you aware television evangelists like oral roberts who solicits cash donations from the public, face a very serious occupational hazard in handling filthy money. that's true money is loaded with bacteria and germs. this is johnny carson urging that before you send cash to a tv evangelist, you boil those bucks. for more information on cleaning currency, write to oral hygiene, tulsa, oklahoma, 74749. [ cheers ] >> psa number 3, take 1. >> hi, johnny carson with a question for you urban are you unhappy with your city mayor?

been too slow? has he refused to fix your latest parking ticket. well why wait until the next elections, why not get together with good neighbors who feel the same way and overthrow him. now is the time to do it, because there's a good replacement waiting in the wing. i'm talking of course about ferdinand marcos. he's got proven leadership experience and his wife imelda will give a tremendous boost to the local economy. by buying up every pair of ladies shoes in the local area, so why not make marcos your mayor? have some pity, give him a city. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> psa number 4, take 1. >> recently marineland announced that it will soon be closing. unfortunately this will put only hardworking whales out of work. because of their size their options are somewhat limited. whales can't operate a computer keyboard or drive a cab, but there's one job they can do and

your home while you are on vacation. just set one on your front lawn, a burglar is going to think twice before passing your sonny pass a 75 ton mammal with teeth as big as a honda. and they can water your grass with their blow hole. this is johnny carson remaining you southern california home owners this summer hire the humpbacked. [ cheers and applause ] >> our public service announcement. and now, on with our regular show. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> george carlin, susan sullivan, and sheryl lee ralph, and we will have a word from

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> okay.

portion of our show. george carlin is one of the more inventive bizarre comedians around for many years, and he is finally got to the movie business, he is appearing in the few film "outrageous fortune" with bette midler and shelley long which i think just opened all over the country. would you welcome george carlin. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> it has been a long time, you would think i would know this mark by now. how are you, everybody? nice to see you. [ applause ] >> good. that's nice, responsive. that's nice. john i did it again. i ate at the commissary again, and i'm getting to like that place. this is the third time in a row now since i came over here recently. i'm getting to like that place, any restaurant where they serve the individual bottles of kaopectate right at the table. [ laughter ] >> and the menu is different now, the menu has changed

know about the merger? the commissary was taken over by a big conglomerate, the international house of monosodium glutamate. [ laughter ] >> i understand it was an unfriendly takeover the negotiators ate there while they are were going through the deal. what i had tonight very nice, the sweet and sour bat groin. [ laughter ] >> had the wombat cacciatore because i do like the italian food. and they're right up to the times over there, the cajun cuisine is quite the thing there now, they had blackened goldfish. [ laughter ] >> and if you want something nice and light, after the show, the smoked gorilla loaf. [ laughter ] >> and another unusual thing now, i guess it's the influence of the new company, they have an international breakfast. french toast, english muffin, spanish omelet, belgium waffles, swedish pancakes, danish pastries, canadian bacon, and irish coffee.

for a buck. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> yeah, they -- i think they were going to include hungarian goulash, but the chef, horst put his foot down. i don't want to tell you where he put it, but he did. now, i'm a person -- see i don't wait, i don't wait, i know what's happening. [ laughter ] >> i do like eating out. that's a part of my life these days, i like eating out and i'm hard to please. i'm kind of hard to please. i'm -- well, i'm not a complete vegetarian, i'm sort of a semi vegetarian. i will only eat an animal if it was killed in combat. [ laughter ] >> but i do like finding new restaurants -- because i like to tell other people -- you know, tell them about new places i found. here is a tip when you are restaurant hunting -- here is a little tip on how much a restaurant might cost if the word cuisine is in the ad, it's probably high priced place. if it says food, fairly moderate, and of course eats --

for about a dollar. [ laughter ] >> some of the new places i have found over here in the valley, johnny will be interested in this, joey's house of toast. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> they have come up apparently with 400 different ways to serve toast, and my favorite is toast on a bun. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> it's really good. yeah. it's -- it's a little doughy, but otherwise. [ laughter ] >> also another place out here -- this is an unusual restaurant, shorty and bud's restaurant for the unclean. [ laughter ] >> you want to bring your own dishware when you go out to shorty and buds. now on the other end of the spectrum, beverly hills has a new place for anorexics, it's called nothing for me, please. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> it's real nice place, no waiters no silverware, you just sit and talk.

>> now, liking restaurants as much as i do -- i got into the restaurant business for a while, i wasn't that successful with it. it's not easy to be a success in the restaurant business. my first place that i had -- i think i had the wrong concept, all you can eat to go. [ laughter ] >> then i changed it to all you can eat for $500. people didn't like that either. [ laughter ] >> but then i came up with something i thought surely would work, it was a drive-through chili restaurant, it wasn't the same as like jack in the box or something. this one you didn't even slow down, we would just shoot the chili at you from a shotgun. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> yeah. the kids loved it, and the car wash really loved it. [ laughter ] >> but eating out is fun only if you make it fun. you have got to ask for unusual things. ask them do you serve cow feet, stuff like that. ask them if you can get a

wheat lady fingers. get a bowl of artificial flavor and a glass of food coloring. substitute, ask them if you can substitute. say can i substitute something? well, yes. okay, instead of the parsley i would like lobster tail. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> the pepper mill is a lot of fun. the guy is always coming around with a pepper mill, you know what you should say, you want some pepper? yeah, sure, go ahead. let the guy go for about eight or nine minutes, you know? and then say okay that's enough. and then when he is doing someone else, say oh, too much pepper on this. send it back, that's the sign of a sophisticate. tell them say this roast beef taste like ponce deleon's socks. [ laughter ] >> and another thing you want to try and do, ask them for something a little bit off beat like -- say -- just -- you have skim milk? and he'll say gee, i don't know, i have to go back and ask.

yes we have skim milk, say that's okay. i don't like skim milk anyway. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> eating out. good stuff. funny stuff. >> good to be here. >> i was in a restaurant last night where they did the reading where the guy gives the description. that's the in thing, especially out here. >> yes. >> they don't print it for you. >> no. >> today's specials... and they have nine specials and you can't remember the first one after he gets through the second one. why do they do that? why don't they print them out so you can read them? >> well they haven't heard some of my tips. if they listen, you know -- i'll probably get into some of that. helping restaurants out. >> good. we have hooked them now. we'll do this,

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> okay.

[ cheers and applause ] >> good to see you again. >> thank you, good to be here, john. >> yeah, what is new in your life? we'll talk about the movie in a moment, did anything else happened? >> well, i had my tubes tied. [ laughter ] >> didn't even know i had tubes. doctor said hey you have got tubes. i said, hey, tie them. [ laughter ] >> you don't want to go through life with loose tubes. >> yeah, so i got that done. i had strange thing and i got a threatening postcard in the mail. you know, you hear about threatening letters. i got a threatening postcard, it said having a wonderful time, wish you were here, but if you come here i will kill you. [ laughter ] >> also i didn't wash today. i want to announce that i didn't wash today, i'm not dirty yet. [ laughter ] >> yeah, i'm one of those people, if i'm not dirty, hey, i don't wash. [ laughter ] >> so maybe i'll get dirty tomorrow and wash then. [ laughter ] >> had a good super bowl.

>> had a good super bowl. i watch the super bowl alone. i can't stand this group of people watching. i'm alone because i have to get intense, you know. i tape myself up. complete tape for the show get the doctor to come over a little novocain in each knee before i start. and had a good game, had three sacks. well, the pizza delivery man is going to need surgery in the off season. but all i came out with was a hamstring and i'll be ready for spring. >> good way of looking at it. >> yeah, jumped right in the jacuzzi after the game. that's about it, nothing else -- >> what about the movie now? you have been doing this show for almost 20 years. and you have never in your life said, i have a film clip -- >> this is my first film clip. i tried to sneak one on from a cable show, but they don't want to hear that. because cable competes with this, so movies, i figured they gave you a break and yes -- well i try to do a movie every ten years. [ laughter ] >> overexpose sure is not good.

i did "with six you get eggroll" in the late 60's, i did "car wash," and hey, it's time. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> i'm hoping -- actually i'm going to squeeze the time frame down a little bit more. and maybe do it more frequently, but this was a lot of fun, and i'm just proud to have a clip. i don't even care if they show it. i'm just glad that i have a clip. >> you just have it? >> yeah. maybe you can show it in the lobby as they leave today. >> or stills would be nice. >> i have probably said on this show maybe thousands of times, does this film clip need any setting up? >> yes. >> oh, yes, yes. i'm glad you asked that john because this clip is -- what this is -- this is when clark gable and olivia de havilland walked in the room and -- wait this might be another -- this -- oh, this is the later clip -- [ laughter ] >> if this is the one i think it is -- [ laughter ]

they sent over, john. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> but i know -- [ laughter ] >> i know what it is. >> how about that? >> this is when -- the character i'm playing this burn-out hippy from the 60's, frank madras, is cornered by the two girls. bette midler and shelley long, it's called outrageous fortune. when they finally nail him in the desert and tried to convince him to help them -- >> no, sir that is not the clip. >> that's not the clip. [ laughter ] >> that's not the clip they sent. >> oh, then this is the clark gable and olivia -- [ laughter ] >> all right. it is the one i thought. okay, see, even fred can be wrong. yeah, it is that one, and they try to convince my character to help them because they are in a big jam chasing a guy all across the country. >> okay. like i said before, watch the monitors if you want to see this. >> count backwards. >> leave me alone. >> frank, you have to listen. >> no, i don't! >> yes, you do. >> oh. >> oh, god. >> oh. i'm sorry, frank, but this is really important.

just leave me alone. >> we have got to use your phone. >> forget it. you stiffed me for $20. you leave me in drag, you have some maniac with a knife chasing you. these things do not tempt me to want to team up with you guys. [ laughter ] >> what is wrong with my head? >> are you okay? >> no. i think i'm getting sober. >> look -- frank, we're not just jerking you around. some guys are chasing us, because one of them stole a virus that is going to kill and destroy all of the plants and all the trees for thousands of miles, all the way around. we stole it back, so now they are trying to kill us. you get it? >> geez the 60's were good to you weren't they? [ laughter ] >> that's right. think back to the 60's. people did things for each other. >> they were wasted. >> listen, get us to a telephone, all right? i swear to you, you will be showered with money. [ cheers and applause ] >> good clip.

on this picture, and they