- [narrator] appearing on tonight's show were frank - let me see that. "lay down your arms. "you are beaten men. "your families at home have forgotten you. the japanese army is invincible." that's lies! all lies! what kind of way is this to fight a war, you litterbug! - yeah, why don't fight like men with bombs and bullets! - oh, shut up, don't you know when you're well off? - i can't stand it! i can't stand it! i tell ya! - take it easy, grube, don't let it get you down! - i can't help it, how can we have a decent crap game with all this stuff flying around? - well, nice going, boys. i see you almost got this place lookin' shipshape. - hey, skip, why do they keep dropping these things for? - yeah, don't they know we can't read? - mail call! come and get it! [all talking at once] - hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! you're supposed to wait till i call your name! parker!

well, that's the way you're supposed to do it! you wait until the guy calls your--

- hey, skip, you want to try a piece of my wife's fruitcake?

mmm, boy, that's good. hey, fuge, you ought to get the recipe. - yeah. hey, fuge, here. try some. ah, come on. you want some fruitcake, mr. parker? - hey, fellas, you've got to hear this. she says, "dear lester." i wish she wouldn't call me that. "the japanese souvenirs you sent caused a great deal "of excitement, especially the flags. "if you can send more of them, please do as they are selling like hotcakes. love, mumsey." - hey, you guys, get a load of this. - whoo! - that's a girl. - hey, fellas, you want to see a picture of my girl, maioshi? - we've seen that picture a hundred times, fuji, this is a brand new one. - yeah, fuji, take a look at it. - hey, what's wrong with him? - i'll tell you what's wrong with him.

prisoner of war, away from his own people, no mail from home. beginning to get him down. - yeah, and every time we have mail call it gets worse. - i wish there was something we could do, skip. - yeah, if there is only some way we could get a letter through to maioshi. she'd be sure and answer him. - why don't we just go down to the corner and mail it? there's a box there marked local, out of town, enemy. [all talking at once] - all right, all right, hold it. now, tinker may have something there. - thanks, skip. - just exactly where do you guys mail all your letters? - well, at the base post office. - right, and that's exactly where the nips mail theirs, - no kiddin', shouldn't we tell captain binghamton? - look, just supposin' that we have, uh, fuji write a letter to maioshi, huh? and then supposin' we make a little sneak visit over to some japanese held island like, uh, mulakai and, uh, we just drop it in their mail box. - uh, pardon my insubordination, sir, but have you flipped?

- all right, all right, all right, you guys are afraid, why... - ah, wait a minute, no one said we were afraid. - well, i think someone should. - it's a wild idea, but what do you say, fellas, for fuji? - only one thing, skip, let's keep this on the q.t. 'cause if this leaks out they'll have us all up for a gang section 8. - well, then, gang, let's go find him. - all right, all right. - "all my love, fuji." here, skipper son. would you read it to the boys? - oh, now, this is too personal, fuge. - you fellas stick neck out for me. i like you to know how this says. - well, ok, but, uh, my japanese is a little bit rusty. "my dear maioshi, although i am treated very well here,

"war is not a nice thing. "it keeps two people who love each other far apart. oh, my darling, maioshi, how i miss you." - i think i'm allergic to something in here. - uh, i think we've read enough, fuge. - holy mackerel, skip, it's binghamton. he's just outside. - beat it, fuge, come on, boy! go on, boy. - attention! - isn't it amazing, carpenter, how they can stand so straight and be so crooked. at ease. good day, mchale. - uh, good day, sir, is there something we can do for you, sir? - just name it. - don't tempt me. mchale, i hate to admit this, but i need your help. show 'em the leaflet, carpenter. - oh, yes, sir. - oh, is this one of those enemy

- no, that's one that i wrote. i've decided to strike back at those sons of fujiama and i want you to translate that into japanese for me. i'm gonna have it printed up and then i'll have the air force boys drop it on the japanese isla--what are you doing? - oh, uh, i salute you, sir. that's a great idea, great idea. - well, thank you, oh, knock it off. let's get to work. - uh, yes, sir, yes, sir. - what is that, what, what, what, what, what? - what was what, what, what, sir? - let me see your hands. what have you got there? what are you men doing? you men are all going to get 60 days in the brig for playing hide and seek with your commanding officer! where is it? what have you--oh, i can play, too, pass it on. what are you doing? don't be handing me--what is that? - uh, uh, uh... - not that! i brought that in! that other thing! what is that? - oh, um... - mchale, what's going on here? - well, you see, sir. - this is in japanese. - uh, yes, sir, uh, uh... all right, men, he caught us. you see, sir, uh, well, uh, we had

at the nips, sir. it's a propaganda leaflet that the boys and i wrote. - it is? i mean, it is, of course it is. he spent a lot of time on those little figures. - ok, mchale, what does this so-called leaflet of yours say? - oh, uh, you wouldn't want to hear it, sir, it, uh, yours is much better. - read it. - uh, yes, sir. "hello out there in war land." - i wrote that one. read the other one! - oh.q1 uh, well, uh, let this be a warning to you sons of nippon, uh, the stars and stripes will sink the rising sun, so you might as well, uh, give up, because, uh, there's no glory like old glory. we have nothing to fear but fear itself, so, uh, uh, through blood, sweat, and tears we'll fight you on the beaches, we'll fight you in the cities,

and blue! hip, hip! - hooray. - you see, sir, it's pretty bad, isn't it? - carpenter. - sir? - what'd you think of it? - i'm not sure, sir. - i think it's great. - i think it's great. - you do? - yes, i do. it shows a lot of initiative, mchale, in fact, it's better than mine. we'll use yours instead of mine. - but, but, but-- - no, buts, mchale, you do something right, it ought to be acknowledged. come on, carpenter, we'll have copies of this made. mchale, you amaze me. - gee, skip, what are we going to do now? - i don't know, i don't know, but if anybody from headquarters gets a hold of that letter and can read that japanese, it's sayonara, boys, in spades. - captain binghamton? - yeah, what is it, mchale, what? - uh, sir, there's no need to bring those leaflets to the air force, sir. we'll distribute them.

are we gonna pass them out on street corners? - oh, well, no, sir. no, we'll just go to some japanese held island in the dark of the night and tiptoe around and leave our little handbills. drive the nips batty, and best of all, you won't have to share the credit with the fly boys. - will wonders never cease? mchale with two good ideas in one day. don't have to share the credit, huh? - no, sir. - we'll try it, we'll try it. why don't you come up with something once in a while? - bye-bye, captain, bye. - what do you think, fuji? in about two weeks you'll have a letter from maioshi. - skipper son, you sure you want to go through with this? - ah, nah, don't worry about a thing. your letter is as good as mailed, baby, and the only one who will ever see those leaflets is davy jones. - hey, skip, at 12:00 it's binghamton. - what's he want now? go on, beat it, fuge, beat it.

- now, mchale, i'm all ready. let's get--what are you two apes gawking at? didn't you ever see a fighting man before? - are you coming with us, sir? - no, i'm dressed for trick-or-treat. of course, i'm going with you, mchale. i want to make sure i get full credit for this brilliant idea of mine. let's go, let's go, shove off. - his idea? - boy, what are we going to do? now, we can't dump those leaflets overboard. - yeah, not unless we dump binghamton with 'em. - yeah, boy, with that helmet he'd sink like a rock. you can't do that! - all right, men, let's move out! that--that way is east, sir. - i know which way east is. - yes, sir. yes, sir. - hey, skip, i feel kind of bad distributing fuji's love letter like this. it's so personal. - well, try and ditch 'em if you can. if you can't, fuji will understand and, grube,

- but, skip, mom said send more flags. - i'll get you. - what are you doing? - don't forget, sit. they're a lot shorter than we are. - oh, good thinking, gruber. - that's their mailbox, all right. - are you sure? - it's either that or they're voting. - ok, tink, get it over to that mailbox.

- [speaking japanese] - how 'bout that? that's the greatest double play in history, chuck, tinker to tojo to maioshi.

[daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment. that's when the bad feelings started to go away. - it worked, fuji, your letter is on its way. - it's great, fuji, huh? [all talking at once] - boy, i don't know how to thank you all. you made me very happy. - and mumsey's pretty tickled, too. - aha. - oh, sorry, skip, i just couldn't resist it. - i'll resist you. - hey, listen, skip, we've got to decide who's going to double for fuji when we go back for that nip mail call. - oh, it's all decided. i'm going. [all talking at once]

you heroes got in mind? - well, skip, as second in command, i feel it's my responsibility. - to go? - no, to come up with an idea. - hey, i got it. why don't we draw straws? - yeah, that's a good idea, hap! [all talking at once] - all right, ok, so we'll draw straws. here, there we are, now... - the short straw wins, huh, skip? - short straw wins, short straw wins, there we go. there. ok, there we are. good. there you are, chuck, go ahead. - all right. ok, guys, now don't be nervous. - ah, there's one for you. easy now. one for you, oh, no, no, not you. after all, you're prisoner of war. there you are, fellas, ok. all right, let's see who the lucky winner is, now. uh, well, it looks like i got the short one, boys. - oh, no, skip, mr. parker's is shorter. - hey, that's the first time i've ever won anything. - ah, now, look, chuck, i'm going to go anyway because i'm the only one i can speak

- now, wait a minute, skip, i won this fair and baby. that's my square, now. i mean, square--besides, fuji can teach me all the japane i need to know. what do i have to say, fuge? - when they call your name, you just say...[speaking japanese] - oh, that's simple. good doughnuts. tanky a... - oh, now, that settles it. look, i'm going on a mission. - no, now, wait, skip, i got plenty of time to learn it and any nitwit can learn a simple thing like that in two weeks. good doughnuts. - [speaking japanese] - see, he knows it. good doughnuts, good so, uh... goono dono torino, torini... camish, camish, cama. [all talking at once] - it's no use, chuck, you just don't sound like a japanese soldier. - well, at least he looks the part. it's a perfect fit. lucky, i had his size in stock. - ah. - will you guys quit worrying? i'll practice on the boat.

neither rain nor sleet, nor snow shall stay this courier from his appointed rounds. - how 'bout bullets? - yea--why'd you have to bring that up? will you guys quit worryin'. gruber, come on, now, let's go. oh. - parker son, maybe this all too dangerous. - huh? now, look, i drew the short straw and i'm going, now, will you quit worrying? come on, you guys. - tink, turn 'em over. christy, stand by! - good luck, parker son. - huh? oh, yeah. - there. - hey, skip, condition red, here comes binghamton. - oh, for crying out loud! what's he want now? come on, beat it, fuge, beat it. come on, get aboard, fast. - what's all the excitement about? just because binghamton's coming. - look at you. come on. hurry up! hiya, captain.

- yes, sir, just getting ready to shove off, sir. - you sure you don't want me to go with you? - well, it's like i explained to you, sir, we need as much room as possible for your prisoners. - yeah, that's right, extra prisoners could mean an extra stripe. all right, let's get going. - yes, sir. sailor, let's go forward, will ya? let's go left! bye-bye, sir! - good hunting, mchale! you know there's only one thing about this whole operation that bothers me. - what's that, sir? - mchale. - sir, he's being very cooperative. - yeah, but, mchale without an angle is like betty grable without her curves. - sir, i'd hate that to happen to miss grable. she's one of my favorites. when i see her-- - oh, knock it off. let's go have a drink to the success of the mission. - oh, at the officers' club, sir? - no, mchale's hut. i mean, why pay retail when you can

- good lord, this place is a pig sty. i wonder where he keeps his private stock. - oh, i wouldn't know, sir. - you wouldn't know, sir. well, move some of these japanese uniforms. maybe you'll find it. - yes, sir. - japanese uniforms? what are japanese uniforms doing here? - oh, good heavens, sir. i wouldn't know about that. - you wouldn't know anything, would you? i think betty grable just got back in shape. - sir? - i knew that mchale must be in cahoots with the nips. he's the one that suggested going over to that island. - but, sir, that was to distribute the leaflets. - the leaflets that he wrote. carpenter, we need a japanese dictionary. we've got some translating to do. that isn't what mchale read to us, and he was lying. - right, sir. i can't find all of the words in the dictionary, sir, but look at this for yourself. - "my darling, love, in my arms,

that's obviously some kind of a code. i must be the biggest jerk in the navy. - oh, no, sir, i knew a couple of captains who-- - oh, shut up. get me comfleet. i'm going to have a surprise in store for mikado mchale when he gets back. i kiss your toes. what a war. - [speaking japanese] - hey, that's it, chuck. now, you remember what you're going to say? - yeah, i got it, skip, uh, going donuts, uh, leg a... - chuck, there's still time to pull out if you want. - now, don't worry about a thing, skip. [muttering] - go on, go on, go on.

- hey, bingo, maioshi came through. that's fuji's letter. - hey, we did it, skip, we did it. - [speaking japanese] - give me a rock, give me a rock.

- love, lillian. - [yelling in japanese] - i got it. - all right. let's get out of here. - hey, what about my wallet?

- all right, get your lines over! - hey, skip, look. - oh, now, don't worry. you just keep out of sight. i'll handle this, go on. uh, hi, captain, well, sir, we're back. - knock off the small talk, mchale, where are the prisoners? where, where, where? - uh, well, sir, uh, well, we didn't get any prisoners, but i can explain. - uh-huh, you can explain at your court martial. you're under arrest. seize him. - arrest? what for? - espionage. i had that little letter of yours translated. how much are they paying you, you turncoat? that love letter was a code, right? - oh, knock it off, captain, you don't understand. - maybe the man from comfleet will. he's due here--oh, captain martin. guard him. - captain binghamton, sir, this is captain martin of comfleet intelligence. - yes, i know, i know who he is. i've been waiting for you, captain. - well, captain, that leaflet caused quite a stir at headquarters. - i figured it would. - the admiral wants the man responsible for it. - i've got him right here for you, sir, he is commander

- mchale. - how do you do, sir. - congratulations. - congratulations? - ah? congratulations? - certainly, you gave the psychological warfare boys a lesson. don't appeal to the mind, appeal to the heart. 20 nips have already surrendered, carrying that love letter of yours. - uh, uh, they did? 20? it was a love letter. - i'd like to talk to you some more about your ideas, mchale, you've become quite a hero up at comfleet. - oh, thank you very much, sir, just trying to do our part. 20.

- all right, i got one for bell! - here!

- yes, sir. - edwards! - here i am, beautiful. - ensign charles parker! - hey, is there a takiow fujiwara here? - [speaking japanese] - go on, what does it say, fuge? - oh, this is terrible, she went and got married. - married? [all talking at once] - how'd you like that? he went and got a dear fuji letter. - hey, she sent me another picture. - boy, after all we went through and he's more unhappy than ever. - oh, no, i too lucky to be unhappy. - lucky? - look, how fat a girl can get in two years. - look at this, fellas. - sayonara, maioshi! hey, virgil, let me see that picture of your girl!

- well, good luck, mchale. and remember now, the first pt outfit that scores with one of those new torpedoes will read a headline in my weekly news bulletin. - ah, thank you, admiral. boy, that would be a great honor for the boys. - you know, admiral, that is a great little morale builder, that weekly news bulletin. - yes, sir. - i've wanted to put one of those out on taratupa myself. i've had my requisition in for a portable printing press like this for over three months. - really? well, it's a very relaxing hobby. - you know, i was wondering, admiral, inasmuch as you will be out of the office for a few days on an inspection tour and nobody will be using the press anyway, if perhaps i could, uh... - out of the question, binghamton. i wouldn't part with this press if admiral nimitz asked for it. - oh, i'm afraid you'd have to, sir. you see, admiral nimitz outranks you by almost 2 stripes. - well, we'll be running along, admiral, you coming, captain? - in a minute, in a minute, mchale. i'll take one last look here. oh, my. that certainly is a beauty, isn't it, admiral? - yes.

and this is your type font down here. - that's right. - this must be the...oh, the must be the ink injector here. - oh, no, sir, this is the ink injector. that was the ink injector. ohh. got a blotter? - well, bye-bye, sir, bye, admiral, bye.

- how can you call yourself a supply officer? according to these shipping manifests that i hold in my hand, my printing press arrived in taratupa 3 days ago. now, what i want to know is where is it, where, where is it? - captain binghamton, you'll never guess what i found, sir. - shut your blabbermouth! i'm trying to locate my printing press. - ooh, that's just it, sir. you don't have to, i found it in the warehouse, and i brought it right over here, sir. it's right outside the door. - i don't care where it is. i'm talking to--it's outside the door. well, don't just stand there bring, bring, bring, bring. he's bringing it now. as for you, you put yourself on report! - here it is, sir. - be careful, you nit wit. don't break it, don't you see, it says fragile on there? - i'm sorry, sir, i didn't take the time to read what it says. does it say anything else? - yes, it says other end up is what else it says. you can't do anything right. open, open, open. - yes, sir. - i tell you, carpenter, this is a rare day for taratupa. it's not every base has its own private printing press

it's not every officer that has a... has an empty crate. where is it? what is that? - sir, it couldn't just walk off by itself. it must've been stolen, sir. - oh, give the lieutenant an oak leaf cluster. of course, it's been stolen! what i want to know is what numbskull in his right mind would steal a printing press, who, who, who, who? - kwalski sinks nip sub! here you go, mate, that's 20 bucks. - the rush of credit's good. ok, mates, who's next? be a genuine war hero! sink a destroyer for only 10 bucks, cruisers 25 and don't forget the special on capturing nip prisoners, 3 for $5.00. - hey, fellas, stash the press! here comes the skipper. - i knew it was too good to be true. ok, men, that's all for today. next edition, same time tomorrow! scat! get this stuff on. [whistling and humming] - hi, skip, hi. - howdy.

- just getting a little sun. - oh, you wouldn't be trying to put anything over on your own uncle dudley, now would ya? [all talking at once] - what kind of a thing you got going here, boys? - that's eucalyptus. - oh, really? "torpedo man schultz wins distinguished flying cross"? - hey, that's pretty good, especially for a guy in the submarine service. - all right, come out with it, boys. where did you south sea shlockmeisters get a printing press, and i want the truth. - well, you might say, we sort of borrowed it from captain binghamton. - of all the lame- brained stunts! don't you feather merchants realize that binghamton won't take this lying down! he's been waiting for over a year to get this press. this press is going to go back right now. let's go. - have a heart, skip. - don't pull on your commanding officer! - but we had a whole stack of back orders that've already been paid for.

orders and as soon it gets dark, we'll sneak back the press. we promise. - please. - pretty please. - well, all right, you 8-balls, but this is the last time! - he's a beautiful human being. - truly. - truly. - get your hands off me. - but i was just-- - just keep your mouth shut. it's my one chance to get mchale and his press grabbers by surprise. move out.

- that's a beautiful site, isn't it? one of mchale's deadbeats printing his own obituary. all right, stop the presses. you're under arrest. - don't shoot! i surrender! - ha ha. caught you red-handed, didn't i? you're up to your grimy little elbows in it, aren't you? where did you get the printing press, huh, where, where, where? - printing press? - yes, the printing press. - oh, you mean that press. - that one. - oh, i found it on the beach this morning, sir. - did you? i bet it floated up there on a lily pad, ah? all right, horace greeley, out with it. what's your story? - i'm innocent, sir, i never saw that machine before in my life. - yeah, you save that for the brig. all right, sp's, you take this ink-stained wretch away and send out a searching party for the others. - what others? there ain't anybody here but me! - i think he was telling the truth, sir. there isn't anyone else in site and the 73 is gone.

on, we divide and conquer. we'll pick them off one at a time. and just think, my little printing press here put the first nail in mchale's coffin. - oh, that's a brilliant strategy, sir. sir, is there anything i can do to help? - yes, go change your blouse you're a disgrace. [knock knock] - hi, captain. - oh, mchale. well, you're early. i didn't expect you for another, uh, oh, 5 minutes. - oh, yeah, well, i knew you'd be in a hurry to talk this over, sir, so we came right over--yes, sir. now as bell's commanding officer, i want you to know that i'll be more than willing to hand him all the punishment he deserves--yes, sir. - hmm, very generous of you, mchale. uh, what did you have in mind? - well, let's see now. there's confinement to quarters and extra duty, and a cut in his beer ration--yes, sir. - and we'll put him to bed without his supper for 90 days.

- you'll send him to bed without his supper? i'm gonna kill him one of these days, mchale. no deal! i've waited too long to get my hands on one of your delinquents. - no, no, no, now, wait a minute, sir. look, i know you and i don't always see eye to eye, but that's no reason to take it out on tinker. - oh, now calm down, mchale. he's off. i mean, do i look like the sort of a man that would railroad a poor innocent sailor? don't answer that, parker. now, gentlemen, i want to be fair about this and machinist bell is going to have a chance to get his say in tomorrow. the court martial will be at 0900 hours. - court martial? for such a little thing? captain, you've gone way overboard. - little thing? grand larceny, that's what it is. ought to be good for about 20 years. don't get yourself excited, mchale, everything is going to be fair and square. won't it, carpenter? - oh, yes, sir, we are going

captain binghamton is president of the court and i am the trial counselor. - no stones unturned, huh, captain? - well, except for my printing press, which is exhibit "a," a few eyewitnesses, a couple of officers on the court martial board that owe me a couple of months back pay, i would say that i've got a pretty tight case. of course, a lot will depend on machinist bell's defense counsel. won't it? mr. parker? - mr. parker? you mean mr. parker is going to have to defend tinker? well, you can't do this, sir! - oh, can't i? you check the regulations, you check your congressman. it's all within my jurisdiction as president of the court. - yeah, but sir, i mean, your honor, i mean, captain, your honor, sir. well, i don't know anything about law. i mean, i object. - i object, i object. you can't object. you're just in ensign. now get out of here, both of you before i charge you with loitering.

[all talking at once] - did you get admiral rogers on the scramble phone? - no, no, no dice, boys, the admiral's out of his office. he's out on an inspection tour. - it's just our luck. our only chance to save tink and-- - no, it wouldn't have done any good anyway. binghamton's got enough on him to send him up for 20 years. - uh, not if i could get a hold of admiral rogers. if he knew about this court martial, i bet ya tinker'd get off with less than 20 days. - hey, skip. - hiya, counselor, how's it going? - i got it, skip. i found a precedent case that proves that binghamton can't send tinker up for 20 years. [all talking at once] - let's have it. - case of the united states versus seaman first class james mcginnis, portsmouth, 1837. "naval board of inquiry disallowed defense's plead to "sentence seaman mcginnis to 20 years at hard labor, and they hanged him." they hanged him? that's not as good as 20 years. i'll bone up.

well, it's 15 minutes before that court martial starts. hey, willy! - what? - come up here. you contact comfleet yet? - just signed off, skip. admiral rogers still ain't back. but they said they'd give me a message the minute he does show up. - well, chuck, i guess it's up to you. we got to stall that court martial until we can get a hold of admiral rogers. - good luck, mr. parker. - we'll be rooting for you. - so long, skip. - you mean, so long tinker. - relax. maybe the admiral will come through, just like the the skip says. - admiral, schmadmiral, i wouldn't make book on tinker's chances if we wait for him. - well, now do you got a better idea? - it just so happens i already have. it's a thousand to one shot, but i figure we got to settle for any kind of odds we can get. - well, come on, grube, let's hear it. - let's hear it. - come on. - all right, remember that jimmy cagney movie we saw last week? - you mean, the one where the mob switched murder weapons and the case was tossed out of court? - right. now who says we can't do the same thing? - what are you talking about?

and then we ain't got no weapon. - think, thimble brain, think. the only thing binghamton's got to make his case stick is that printing press, exhibit "a." - oh, well, sure, now, where are we going to find another press just like binghamton's? - it just so happens admiral rogers has one right in his office. gents, this is a time for greatness. we either got to think big or let tinker take the rap for us. now, what do you say? - i say it's a 2-hour trip each way, so let's get this floating bathtub cracking. [all cheering] - christy take the wheel. willy, get down there and fire up those engines. comfleet, here we come!

attention!

i've got the champagne chilling. good morning, mathias, good morning, kramer. lovely day for a court martial. - now, remember, chuck, you got to stall till we hear from the admiral. - all right, order, order in the court. the court martial will come to order. - i object. - object to what? we haven't started yet. - oh, well, yes. uh, well, as counsel for the defense, i move that this trial be postponed. - postpone the trial? what'd you--till when, when, when, when? - well, how 'bout easter? you see, the defendant's mother's a school teacher and she can't fly here until vacation time. - mother? vacation time? you tell her to save it and visit her son on the rock pile. now, sit down and shut up! we're ready for you now, elroy. get a load of elroy.

- this court is convened by captain wallace b. binghamton, commander of the united states naval base, taratupa, in the case of the united states versus bell, harrison j., machinist mate, first class, charged with the theft of printing press serial number a-777. furthermore, it is additionally charged-- - don't--don't overplay your part, lieutenant, just call your first witness. we're going to call our first witness now. - will captain wallace binghamton take the stand, please? - oh, that's me. excuse me. - sir, would you state your name, rank and serial number, please? - yes, i would. i'm wallace b. binghamton, i am a captain of the united states naval reserve and let's not waste everybody's time. let's just-- - i object. well, the witness only gave his middle initial, and we're entitled to know his full name.

- i beg your pardon, sir, but counsel for the defense has the right to question, sir. - keep out of this, mchale. the "b" stands for burton. you just stop that or i'll clear the courtroom. don't just stand there like a ninny, you ninny, ask me a question. - yes, sir, sir, would you please tell the board exactly what you saw on the afternoon of january the 11th? - yes, i would. i saw that man using my printing press, which he obviously stole and i say that makes him guilty, right, right, right? - wrong! captain, according to regulations, you can't sentence a man until defense has had its chance to present its side of the case, sir. - absolutely, sir, your honor, captain, captain, your honor, sir. you see, according to article 11, subparagraph 21, it states here-- - all right, get on with it. - yes, sir. no more questions.

- now then, captain binghamton, where were you on the night of june 16th? - june 16th? this is the middle of january, what's that got to do with anything, you numbskull? - he objects, your honor. you can't call him a numbskull. - i'll call him anything i want to call him and one more outburst from you, mchale, i'll have you up for contempt. now, you get on with it, you, you defense counselor, you. - now then, captain binghamton, you--you say you saw the accused with your printing press, but can a man with your eyesight be absolutely positive of what he sees? - of course i'm positive! where are my glasses? what happened to my glasses, where? get me my glasses, you pickpocket! - sir, sir, it's me, elroy. - don't just stand there sputtering, find my glasses. [muttering] i don't have to put up with this sort of-- attention, everybody!

- captain, is that what you're looking for, sir? - oh, mchale. are we the only ones here? - not quite, sir. - maintenance crew to pick up the admiral's printing press. all right, men, step lively and grab it. hup to, hup to. - what's wrong with the press? - oh, time for the 10,000 word check-up. got to rotate the rollers, give her a lube job, change the ink plugs. take care of yourself, i like a man that's alert. - now then, machinist bell, would you tell the court something about your poor, miserable, underprivileged childhood? - oh, it was awful, sir. my father had no job. my mother had no food to cook, which was ok, because we couldn't afford matches to light the fire. then--then came the depression. - can i borrow your hanky, sir? - no!

i've heard enough from the accused. enough? enough? dismissed. - well, sir, i-- - you stand back, ensign, you touch my glasses again and i'll clobber you a good lick. get this sob sister out of here. - yes. come on, let's get out of here. - will the council for the defense call the next witness? or shall we just get on with the sentencing? - oh, no, no, no, we'll call the witness, sir. mr. parker request permission to call lieutenant commander quinton mchale. - refused. - i object. - oh, all right. just don't pay any attention to anything he says. he's a bigger thief than the other thief. - well, i'd watch my language if i were you, sir. why, that statement could be construed as slander. - i object. - what are you objecting about? i was the man who was insulted. i've got a good mind to see my lawyer. - hey, that's a good idea, skip. you ought to--hey, that's me. now, look, skip, it's an open and shut case. i can get you $100,000. - this is the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard of in my life. - how 'bout $50,000? - order, order! - all right, we'll settle out of court for $25,000.

go to your seat! go to your seat. - and i've always found machinist mate bell to be not only loyal and honest, but a dedicated and devoted fighting man. - [sobbing] - but also-- - this is sickening. you're dismissed, mchale. i'll see that your boy scout gets a merit badge right after we're through sentencing him. now, dismissed. let's vote. i say he's guilty. - chuck, we still need time. call lieutenant marshall. - who's lieutenant marshall? - just call lieutenant marshall. - guess what? we're gonna call lieutenant marshall.

- all right, get on with it. introduce your witness. - oh, uh, lieutenant marshall, this is wally binghamton. wally, i'd like you to meet lieutenant marshall. - charmed. i'm--oh, cut that out! oh, i could just scream. - are you sure this thing's gonna work, gruber? - it's got to. how else can we clear the court room to make the switch? virge, are you ready? - all set. - beautiful. all right, men, get ready for battle. willy, you make with the kamikazes. christy, grind out that siren. hap, hit that 50. ok, go.

[gunshots] [siren] - air raid, air raid, everybody take to shelter, let's go! - uh, sir, request permission to recess, until after the war. - hey, fellas, hey, hey, that's funny. i don't see any planes. - you can't see 'em? - you can't see them? you need glasses. hey, see me at sick bay in the morning. let's go, virgil. - ok, grube, let's get the patient out of here.

- hi, skip. - hey, where you been? - out knocking a few holes in the captain's airtight alibi. - what? - order! order in the-- a ten hut! - oh, be seated, gentlemen. excuse the interruption, captain, but after certain urgent communications, i understand that there may be a grave miscarriage of justice going on in here. - miscarriage of justice? well, no, sir. i'm just court martialing a common thief. with one look at the evidence, you'll see i'm right, sir. - permission to address the court, sir. i think i can explain all this, admiral. you see, captain binghamton here is under the mistaken belief that machinist mate bell stole his printing press, when actually it isn't his at all. - i object. what do you mean it isn't mine? you're in contempt. i ought to know my own property when i see it, shouldn't i?

- well, of course, i'm sure. there isn't a chance in the world that this isn't my property. you can see for yourself. it's all here in black and white, property of captain-- [mumbling] - you were saying, captain? - [mumbling] - why, this is my machine! release the prisoner! well, binghamton, if you ask me, we have the wrong thief on trial. - i'm surprised at you, captain. - i'm a little shook up myself. - you better come up with some answers fast or the next court martial you'll hold will be your own. - don't you worry about a thing, sir, if we come up with the right kind of retainer, why, i'm sure mr. parker will be glad to handle your case, sir.

[knock knock] - come in. - good afternoon, captain. captain, i've got a present for you, it's something tinker bell found on the beach this morning. - i'm always wary of sneaks bearing gifts, what is it, what, what, what? - come on, captain, wait a minute, here, come on in, boys, bring her right in here. wait till you see this, sir. huh? - "property of captain binghamton?" that's my printing press. i've got you red-handed right now. you're under arrest. - no, you can't, sir, you see, you have no grounds. tinker's already been acquitted and besides, you can't try a man twice for the same crime. - get out of here, all of you, get out of here. - oh, but--but captain? - out! - remember, sir. blot, don't rub. hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehello.